An independent child or how to become lazy. Books by Anna Bykova. My child enjoys going to kindergarten

I came across this interesting article. Then I found out that there was such a book, but it wasn’t so easy to find it on the Internet. Does anyone have it in electronic form? I would be grateful if you would send me a read

Nurturing independence
or
How to become a “lazy” mom

THE LAZIER WE ARE, THE MORE INDEPENDENT CHILDREN ARE.
I'm a lazy mom! And also selfish and careless.
Do you want to know why?.. Yes because
I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE INDEPENDENT, INITIATIVE AND RESPONSIBLE.

While working in a kindergarten, I observed many examples of parental overprotection.

I especially remember three-year-old Slavik. Mom believed that he must always eat everything, otherwise he would lose weight. I don’t know how he was fed at home, but he came to us with a clear loss of appetite. He mechanically chewed and swallowed everything he was given. Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he doesn’t know how to eat himself yet!”

And so I feed him on the first day and don’t see any
emotions on the face: I bring the spoon, opens my mouth, chews, swallows. I ask: “Do you like porridge?” - "No". But at the same time he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. “Do you want more?” I offer a spoon. “No,” but he chews and swallows anyway. “If you don’t like it, don’t eat it!” Slavik's eyes widened in surprise.
He didn't know it was possible...

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. And then he began to eat what he liked with extras and move away the plate with what he didn’t like.
-He gained independence in choice. And later we stopped feeding him with a spoon, because food is a natural need. AND THE HUNGRY CHILD WILL EAT BY HIMSELF.

I'm a lazy mom! I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time.
Every year I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At one and a half they were already wielding a fork. Another natural need is to relieve yourself. Slavik did it in his pants. His mother told us to take the child to the toilet every 2 hours. “I sit him on the potty myself at home and hold him until he does all the work.” As a result, in the garden a big child was already waiting to be taken to the toilet. Without waiting, I wet my pants and didn’t even realize
remove them, seek help... A week later the problem was solved. “I want to pee!” Slavik proudly announced to the group, heading towards the toilet.

On weekends I like to sleep long. One Saturday I woke up around 11. My son, 2.5 years old, was watching a cartoon while chewing gingerbread. I turned on the TV myself, and found the disk myself. And the eldest, who is 8, was no longer at home. The day before he asked to go to the cinema with a friend and his parents. I'm a lazy mom. I said that I was too lazy to get up so early. And if he wants to go to the cinema, then let him set the alarm clock and get ready. Wow, I didn’t oversleep... Of course, I also set an alarm clock on my phone, listened to how it got ready and closed
door, was waiting for an SMS from a friend’s mother, but for the child this remained behind the scenes.

And I’m also too lazy to check his briefcase, sambo backpack, dry his things after the pool and do homework with him (by the way, he studies without C grades). I’m also too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws it out on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask him to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when their grandmother comes to us. The eldest immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework, warm up his lunch, and pack his briefcase. And he’s even afraid to fall asleep alone in the room - his grandmother should be sitting next to him! And our grandmother is not lazy...
Children are not independent if it benefits adults...
(Anna Bykova, psychologist)

Anna Bykova

Students of the “lazy mother”

From this book you will learn:

How to choose the right school

How to treat grades

How to do homework without tension and stress

How to deal with school bullying

How to confront a teacher if he violates the boundaries of a child’s personality

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Introduction

Autumn is the season of parent-teacher conferences. I learned in kindergarten from my youngest son’s teachers that the MOST IMPORTANT thing now is preparation for school. And at school I learn from my eldest son’s teachers that the MOST IMPORTANT thing now is preparing for the Unified State Exam. And it doesn’t matter how many more years we wait for this moment. Even the head teacher of an elementary school talks about the Unified State Exam at a meeting of parents of future first-graders. Future! That is, children still have a whole year before school, and parents are already afraid of the Unified State Exam. As if nothing more important could happen in eighteen years of life. It’s as if all childhood is a period when you need to prepare for exams. As if there is no future after a poorly passed exam...

Why create such tension? There are already known cases of teenage suicides associated with excitement and anxiety on exam days. Please parents, remain calm. Good mental health is more important than good grades.

In my school childhood there was a real example of a girl prodigy. Phenomenal memory. Quick assimilation of large amounts of information. Her parents were proud and eager; she was transferred from class to class ahead of schedule. She approached her final exams at the age of twelve as a contender for a gold medal. But when taking the last exam, the girl was so worried that she had a nervous breakdown. I don’t know the details, because I was still young at that time. I only know that she was treated for a long time in a psychiatric hospital, and after that she was no longer able to study... I once came to the city of my childhood. My friends and I decided to go skiing. We went to the rental office, and there I saw this prodigy girl. That is, now the lady is already thirty years old. She worked as a cloakroom attendant...

I remembered this sad story when attending a parent meeting at a linguistic gymnasium. Just an informational meeting between the head teacher of a primary school and parents who want to take their children to preparatory courses. There's still a whole year before school. But what tense faces do the parents have... Especially at the moment when the head teacher says that not everyone will enter the gymnasium, that there will be a strict selection based on the results of four tests that the children will write during the year. Six year olds?! Tests?! Yes. And based on the results of each test, there will be individual interviews with parents.

I monitor the reactions of adults. Someone begins to nervously drum their fingers on their knees. Someone starts fiddling with her purse. Someone presses into the back of the chair and slides a little under the desk. Muscle memory responded to the word “control.” Mine too, I wanted to immediately run away from the meeting. That is, first my feet turned in the direction of the door, and then I realized a springy bodily impulse: “I want to escape.” But I stayed. I sat and looked at the tense poses of my parents, listened to the instructions of the head teacher about “be sure to fifteen minutes in advance in order to have time to change your shift”, about “mandatory homework”, and I really wanted to extend the child’s (and myself) carefree childhood for another year... In the end I decided not to take Sasha to preparatory courses. It will be safer for the psyche if he meets with everything that is “strictly obligatory” a year later.

I also had an idea for a new book. Books for parents on how to survive these wonderful school years. Without neuroses, without violence, without a parental inferiority complex, without the need to drink valerian.

The theme of school is close to my heart. I know the school not only from the outside, as a parent of schoolchildren, but also from the inside, as a psychologist whom other parents often turn to for help in solving school problems, and as a teacher who has worked for many years in the public education system. By first education, I am a teacher of mathematics and computer science. After graduating from university, she came to work at a school, teaching computer science in an elementary school. Then she taught computer science and discrete mathematics in college, and was a tutor for first-year students. Over time, a psychological view of the very situation of teaching at school was added to the teaching experience. Honestly, the psychological and pedagogical views on the problems of schoolchildren are very different. Even when raising my own children, different parts of “I” often argue within me. Internal characters: teacher, psychologist, parent. Therefore, in this book I will present not one point of view, but three points of view at once. That is, I will look at situations from the point of view of a teacher, from the point of view of a psychologist and from the point of view of a mother.

The main mission of an adult is to develop a personality capable of succeeding in all aspects of life. Is this possible without titanic efforts? Many people think not. After all, raising a child is a complex process. Therefore, they focus all their attention on the baby. It especially hits mothers. Most of the trouble falls on their shoulders. They have neither desire nor patience left for themselves “beloved”. What to do? Forget about your interests and completely focus on the baby, resignedly waiting for him to become independent? Or maybe try to make it independent today? Is it possible?

Anna Bykova, the author of the essay “An independent child, or how to become a “lazy mother””, which caused a lot of different gossip, confidently declares “yes”. You just need to learn how to behave correctly with your child, switch to a different wavelength that will satisfy not only the interests of the child, but also yours. All. Life will become completely different. Which? Light, positive, bright. Proper upbringing and competent distribution of responsibilities will help to raise a child into a harmonious, holistic personality, free from your care.

Anna Bykova is a practicing psychologist who works with adults and children. She is ready to teach all women to stop being always concerned mothers. After studying the book, you will understand how to manage everything, as you will find a lot of practical advice on the pages. You will understand: being well-groomed, elegant, positive is easy. “An independent child, or how to become a “lazy mother”” talks about how to raise a happy personality, taking into account your interests. After all, a mother’s mission is not to get hung up on the baby’s wishes. It is important to remain a full-fledged person whose life is filled with diverse activities and concerns.

Anna Bykova tried to write the book in simple and understandable language. There are no complex, intricate words and phrases in its vastness. On the contrary, the expanses of the treatise “An independent child, or how to become a “lazy mother”” are permeated with humor. So it will be easy to read. After reviewing the interesting information in detail, begin to apply the recommendations. Your child's life and yours will be significantly transformed.

Reading the book is useful for parents of all ages. After all, the wisest mother will never refuse good advice. After reading the book, you will understand your children better, help them believe in themselves, and teach them to make decisions on their own. Believe me, the child will be grateful for the right to choose. The psychologist is sure of this, and invites everyone to the pages of the work “An independent child, or how to become a “lazy mother”.” If you start reading today, you will understand how to carve out time for yourself tomorrow.

On our literary website you can download Anna Bykova’s book “An Independent Child, or How to Become a “Lazy Mom”” for free in formats suitable for different devices - epub, fb2, txt, rtf. Do you like to read books and always keep up with new releases? We have a large selection of books of various genres: classics, modern fiction, psychological literature and children's publications. In addition, we offer interesting and educational articles for aspiring writers and all those who want to learn how to write beautifully. Each of our visitors will be able to find something useful and exciting for themselves.

Nurturing independence
or
How to become a “lazy” mom

Current page: 1 (book has 11 pages total) [available reading passage: 8 pages]

Anna Bykova
An independent child, or How to become a “lazy mother”

* * *

From this book you will learn:

How to teach a child to fall asleep in his crib, put away toys and get dressed

When is it worth helping a child, and when is it better to refrain from doing so?

How to turn off the perfectionist mom in you and turn on the “lazy mom”

What are the dangers of overprotection and how to avoid it?

What to do if a child says: “I can’t”

How to make a child believe in themselves

What is coaching style education?

Preface

This is a book about simple, but not at all obvious things.

The infantilism of young people has become a real problem today. Today's parents have so much energy that it is enough to live life for their children, participating in all their affairs, making decisions for them, planning their lives, solving their problems. The question is, do the children themselves need this? And isn’t this an escape from your life into the life of a child?

This is a book about how to remember yourself, allow yourself to be more than just a parent, and find a resource for going beyond this life role. The book is about how to get rid of feelings of anxiety and the desire to control everything. How to cultivate the willingness to let your child go into independent life.

A light ironic style and an abundance of examples make the reading process fascinating. This is a book-story, a book-reflection. The author does not indicate: “Do this, this and that,” but encourages thinking, draws analogies, draws attention to different circumstances and possible exceptions to the rules. I think the book can help people suffering from parental perfectionism to get rid of the obsessive and painful feeling of guilt, which in no way contributes to the establishment of harmonious relationships with children.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach your child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy of Psychological Sciences, Doctor of Psychology, Professor

Introduction

The article “Why I’m a Lazy Mom,” published several years ago, still roams the Internet. She went around all the popular parenting forums and communities. I even have a VKontakte group “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom."

The topic of nurturing independence in a child, which I touched upon then, was very vigorously discussed, and now, after publication on some popular resource, disputes constantly arise, people leave hundreds and thousands of comments.

I'm a lazy mom. And also selfish and careless, as it may seem to some. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. This means that the child must be given the opportunity to demonstrate these qualities. And in this case, my laziness acts as a natural brake on excessive parental activity. That activity that manifests itself in the desire to make a child’s life easier by doing everything for him. I contrast a lazy mother with a hypermom - that is, one who has everything “hyper”: hyperactivity, hyperanxiety and hyperprotection.

Part 1
Why am I a lazy mom?

I'm a lazy mom

While working in a kindergarten, I observed many examples of parental overprotection. One three-year-old boy, Slavik, was especially memorable. Anxious parents believed that he was obliged to eat everything at the table. Otherwise he will lose weight. For some reason, in their value system, losing weight was very scary, although Slavik’s height and chubby cheeks did not cause anxiety about being underweight. I don’t know how or what he was fed at home, but he came to kindergarten with a clear loss of appetite. Trained by a strict parental instruction: “You need to eat everything to the end!”, he mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he doesn’t know how to eat himself yet” (!!!).

At three years old, Slavik really didn’t know how to feed himself - he didn’t have that kind of experience. And on the first day of Slavik’s stay in kindergarten, I feed him and observe a complete absence of emotions. I bring a spoon - he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. Another spoon - he opens his mouth again, chews, swallows... I must say that the cook in the kindergarten was not particularly successful with the porridge. The porridge turned out to be “anti-gravity”: if you turn the plate over, then, contrary to the laws of gravity, it remains in it, sticking to the bottom in a dense mass. That day, many children refused to eat porridge, and I understand them perfectly. Slavik ate almost everything.

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens his mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring a spoon.

Opens his mouth, chews, swallows.

– If you don’t like it, don’t eat it! - I say.

Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know it was possible. What you may or may not want. That you can decide for yourself: finish eating or leave. What can you communicate about your desires? And what can you expect: others will take your wishes into account.

There is a wonderful joke about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

- Mom, am I cold?

- No, you're hungry!

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for more when he liked the dish, and calmly moved the plate away if the dish was not his favorite. He gained independence in his choice. And then we stopped feeding him with a spoon, and he began to eat on his own. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat himself.

I'm a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. Every year I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next to them. At the age of one and a half, my children were already using a fork. Of course, before the skill of independent eating was fully formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor, and the child himself after each meal. But this is my conscious choice between “too lazy to learn, I’d rather quickly do everything myself” and “too lazy to do it myself, I’d rather spend the effort on learning.”

Another natural need is to relieve yourself. Slavik relieved himself in his pants. Slavik’s mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment as follows: she asked us to take the child to the toilet by the hour – every two hours. “At home I put him on the potty and hold him until he finishes all his chores.” That is, a three-year-old child expected that in kindergarten, as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to “get things done.” Without waiting for an invitation, he pissed in his pants, and it didn’t even occur to him that he needed to take off his wet pants and change them, and to do this, turn to the teacher for help.

If parents anticipate all the child’s wishes, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.

After a week, the problem of wet pants was solved naturally. “I want to write!” – Slavik proudly announced to the group, heading towards the toilet.

No pedagogical magic. Physiologically, the boy’s body was already mature at that time in order to control the process. Slavik felt when it was time for him to go to the toilet, and even more so he could walk to the toilet. He probably could have started doing this earlier, but at home adults were ahead of him, putting him on the potty even before the child realized his need. But what was appropriate at the age of one or two years was, of course, not worth continuing at three years.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat independently, go to the toilet on their own, dress independently and invent their own activities. They also get used to asking for help if they cannot solve their problems.

I am not at all advocating sending children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that a child is better off at home until he is three or four years old. I’m just talking about reasonable parental behavior, in which the child is not suffocated by overprotection, but is left with space for him to develop.

Once a friend came to visit me with a two-year-old child and stayed overnight. Exactly at 21.00 she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, struggled and was stubborn, but his mother persistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my friend:

“I don’t think he wants to sleep yet.”

(Of course he doesn’t want to. They arrived recently, there is someone to play with, new toys - he’s interested in everything!)

But the friend, with enviable persistence, continued to put him to bed... The confrontation continued for more than an hour, and in the end her child finally fell asleep. Following him, my child fell asleep. It's simple: when you're tired, you climb into your bed and fall asleep.

I'm a lazy mom. I'm too lazy to keep my baby in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

On weekends I like to sleep. On weekdays, my working day begins at 6.45, because at 7.00, when the kindergarten opens, the first child is already standing at the front door, brought by dad rushing to work. Getting up early is cruel for a night owl. And every morning, meditating over a cup of coffee, I reassure my inner night owl that Saturday will give us the opportunity to get some sleep.

One Saturday I woke up around eleven. My two and a half year old son sat and watched a cartoon, chewing gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself (it’s not difficult - just press a button), he also found a DVD with a cartoon himself. He also found kefir and corn flakes. And, judging by the cereal scattered on the floor, the spilled kefir and the dirty plate in the sink, he had a successful breakfast and cleaned up after himself as best he could.

The eldest child (he is 8 years old) was no longer at home. Yesterday he asked to go to the cinema with a friend and his parents. I'm a lazy mom. I told my son that I was too lazy to get up too early on Saturday, because by doing so I would deprive myself of the precious opportunity to sleep that I had been waiting for all week. If he wants to go to the cinema, let him set the alarm clock himself, get up and get ready himself. Wow, I didn’t oversleep...

(In fact, I also set an alarm clock - I set it to vibrate and in my sleep I listened to how my child was getting ready. When the door closed behind him, I began to wait for a text message from my friend’s mother that my child had arrived and everything was fine, but for him it was all left for frame.)

I’m also too lazy to check my briefcase, sambo backpack, and too lazy to dry my son’s things after the pool. I'm also too lazy to do homework with him (unless he asks for help). I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws out the trash on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become lazier...

An amazing metamorphosis happens to children when their grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. My eldest immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework himself, heat his own lunch, make his own sandwich, pack his briefcase himself and leave for school in the morning. And now he’s even afraid to fall asleep alone: his grandmother should be sitting next to him! And our grandmother is not lazy...

Children are not independent if it benefits adults.

The history of the “lazy mom”

“Tell me, are you a lazy mother?” – it was quite unexpected to receive such a question on a social network. What's this? Some kind of promotion? A children's rhyme by Yakov Akim about a poor postman carrying out a mission related to a letter without a specific address came to mind: “Give it to the Incompetent.”

And what should I answer? Make excuses? List all your skills, abilities and responsibilities? Or maybe send me a copy of your work record?

Just in case, let me clarify:

"In terms of?"

And the question is posed differently:

Oh yes, then it’s me...

But initially this was not an article. At one of the many psychological forums, far from the most popular, the topic of infantilism of the younger generation and its causes was raised. And even more broadly – about the inferiority and weakness of this generation. In short, all the laments of the commentators could be reduced to a paraphrased quote from the classic: “After all, there were children in our time!” Or to another classic saying: “Yes, at their age...” After which there were enumerations: “at the age of five I ran to the dairy kitchen to get baby food for my brother,” “at the age of seven I picked up my brother from kindergarten,” “at the age of ten it was my responsibility was to cook dinner for the whole family.”

I remember that I allowed myself to speak ironically about the direct relationship between the behavior of children and the behavior of parents: “If mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for the children, then the children would have to become more independent.” But if you think about it, this is actually true. After all, children have not really become worse over the past decades. They did not become physically weaker and did not lose their ability to work. However, they have fewer opportunities to demonstrate their ability to act independently. Why? Because children's independence has ceased to be a vital need for the family, a need that frees up mother's hands and mother's time to earn their daily bread. Moreover, in the perception of many parents, independence has become synonymous with danger. And children are not just children, but children of their parents, that is, they are part of a family system where all elements are interconnected. When parents' behavior changes, children's behavior changes accordingly. If you do everything for the child, then he will not have incentives for development. And vice versa, if adults stop doing for the child what he can already do, then the child begins to independently realize the emerging needs.

From discussions on the forum, from life examples when laziness was opposed to overprotection, blog entries appeared - just to collect thoughts in a pile. And suddenly an unexpected proposal from the magazine editor: “Do you mind if we publish this as an article?” And then the editor added: “This will be a bomb!”

Indeed, it turned out to be an information bomb. It exploded and worked. My article was quoted on parent forums, posted on blogs and social networks, on popular Internet resources, including foreign ones. For example, when translated into Spanish, Slavik was renamed Sebastian, for some reason the diary was replaced with a portfolio, and my mother (that is, me) in the Spanish version asked me to bring her coffee, not tea, because tea is a very unpopular drink in Spain. And everywhere in the comments heated debates arose: “Is it good or bad to be a lazy mother?” From “this is how children should be raised so that they are ready for life!” to “why then have children at all? To be served?!” But in fact, people were not arguing with each other at all, but rather with their own projections. Everyone projected onto the article some personal story, an example from their childhood, an example from the lives of friends.

Unfortunately, a somewhat truncated version of the article was circulated on the Internet (it was necessary to somehow fit it into a magazine spread), and therefore not everyone understood that it actually did not talk about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children independence. And that I did not mean forced early independence, which arises as a consequence of parental indifference and indifferent attitude towards the child. When in the comments under the article “Why am I a lazy mother” people write: “Both I and I am lazy,” meaning by this “I spend the whole day at the computer/sleeping/on TV, and the child plays by himself,” I feel anxious . I would not like my message to be perceived in this case as an indulgence. It’s good when a child can occupy himself and look after himself, but it’s bad if he’s always on his own. If so, he loses a lot in development. Mom’s “laziness” should be based on concern for children, and not indifference. Therefore, for myself, I chose the path of a “lazy mother”, who is really too lazy to do everything for the children, and do it at their first request. She is lazy - and she teaches children to do everything on their own. Believe me, this is also a difficult path and, perhaps, even more energy-consuming. There was no such thing as true laziness... Of course, it’s easier to quickly wash the dishes yourself than to wipe the water off the floor after a five-year-old child has washed them. And then, when he falls asleep, he will still have to wash the plates, since at first both grease and dishwashing liquid will remain on them. If you let a three-year-old water the flowers, then not everything will work out right away either. A child can knock over a flower, scatter soil, or flood the flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

In the process of raising children, all parents often have to make a choice: do everything quickly themselves or take advantage of the situation and teach the child something. The second option has two bonuses: a) the development of the child and b) freeing up parents’ time later.

And one day, when the child already knows and can do a lot, the mother will be able to afford to be lazy. Now in the literal sense.

Such profitable lack of independence

What a strange conclusion?! Why, if children are not independent, is this beneficial to adults? What are the benefits of a child’s lack of independence?

Oh, you know, the benefit is very simple: adults in this case receive external confirmation of their superior value, importance, and irreplaceability. This may be necessary if there is no inner confidence in your value. And then the phrase “He can’t do anything without me” can be translated as: “I can’t do anything without him, because only he gives me confirmation of my worth.” Dependence on a child forces the child to become dependent. The subconscious builds its own logical chain: “If he can’t do anything on his own, it means he won’t go anywhere, he will always, always be with me, both at 20 and at 40... He will always need me, which means I will never I'll be lonely." Often this is not even realized. At the level of consciousness, the mother may sincerely worry that the child’s life is not going well. But on a subconscious level, she herself models this scenario.

I have met people who have grown physically, but have not become adults and independent. Have not mastered the skill of self-control. They have not acquired the ability to make decisions or take responsibility. I knew schoolchildren whose homework was supervised by their parents until graduation. I have worked with students who do not know why they are studying or what they want in life. Their parents always decided everything for them. I saw capable men whose mothers brought them to see a doctor, because the men themselves were at a loss where to get a coupon and which office to line up for. I know a woman who, at 36 years old, is alone, without her mother, and does not go to the store for clothes.

“Grew up” and “became an adult” are not identical concepts. If I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible, then for this I need to provide them with the opportunity to demonstrate these qualities. And you won’t even have to strain your imagination to artificially create situations that require independence if mom, dad or another supervising adult (for example, grandmother) has interests in addition to the child.

Now I’ll express a seditious thought for most mothers: the child should not come first. For me, I come first. Because if I now devote my life to children, I live exclusively in their interests, then in ten to fifteen years it will be very difficult for me to let them go. How will I live without children? How will I fill the void? How can I resist the temptation to interfere in their lives in order to “make them happy”? And how will they be without me, accustomed to the fact that their mother thinks, does and makes decisions for them?

Therefore, in addition to children, I have myself, there is a beloved man, there is a job, there is a professional party, there are parents, there are friends and there are hobbies - with such a set, not all the child’s wishes are fulfilled instantly.

- Mom, pour me a drink!

“Now, sunshine, I’ll finish the letter and pour you some water.”

- Mom, get me the scissors!

“I can’t move away from the stove right now, otherwise the porridge will burn.” Wait a minute.

The child can wait a little. Or maybe take a glass and pour yourself some water. May drag a stool to the closet to get scissors. My son most often prefers the second option. He does not like to wait - he is looking for a way to get what he wants.

Of course, this does not mean that you should do this with absolutely every child’s request. There are actions that are still difficult for a child to do on his own. There is something that mom can do right now without interrupting other things. For example, if mom is just pouring herself some water. It will be strange if at this moment she refuses to pour water for the child as well. No fanaticism, please.

“Am I independent?”

In fact, the single and most important mission of parents is to teach their child to be independent.

This means:

Think independently;

Make decisions independently;

Satisfy your needs independently;

Plan and act independently;

Evaluate your actions independently.

An independent person knows what he wants and knows how he can achieve it. A self-sufficient person is independent. This doesn't mean he's lonely. This means that he builds relationships with others not on the principles of codependency: “I can’t live without you, and you can’t cope without me,” but on the principles of sympathy: “I can live without you, but I’m pleased to be with you.”

A psychologically mature person is independent. And he prefers to surround himself with the same psychologically mature people. Addicts reach out to addicts to create habitual codependent relationships.

“I haven’t loved my husband for a long time, but I can’t live without him. There will be nowhere to live and nothing to live on. I know that he is cheating on me, but I am ready to put up with it because he supports me. On the other hand, I know that he needs me. He is a complete zero in everyday life, he won’t even fry an egg for himself. He also loves our son very much. And my son loves me very much. He loves me so much that he can’t even sleep without me. He is already 5 years old, but we have never parted. We sleep together and always play together, he prefers to play with me rather than with the guys on the playground...”

What this woman perceives as indicators of very strong love are in fact indicators of dependence. When a child loves to spend time with his mother, this is love. When a five-year-old child cannot spend time without his mother, it is an addiction.

Due to an unsatisfied relationship with her husband, a woman unknowingly attaches a child to herself. And this is by no means a healthy attachment. Not feeling her value to her husband, the woman thus compensates for what is missing at the expense of the child, cultivating her super-value as a mother.

It can be assumed that her child will subsequently have difficulties communicating with peers. This is a direct benefit for the mother: if the child does not communicate well with his peers, it means that he will be forced to communicate exclusively with his mother, and the mother will not feel lonely.

When spouses are connected by warm feelings and not codependency, it is easier for them to let go of the child, because they have something to talk about with each other, something to do without the child. Therefore, it is important to start working on a child’s independence with oneself. And first of all, answer yourself the question: “Am I independent?”

“I want to raise my child to be independent, but my grandparents are preventing me from doing this. I give him a spoon so that he can eat himself, and grandma begins to feed him. I put his clothes on the chair and ask him to get dressed, and his grandmother begins to dress him. I want my son to learn to play independently for a while, but he is not left alone for a minute; first his grandfather and then his grandmother constantly play with him...”

Why are there so many grandparents in this relationship? Why don't they take into account their daughter's opinion?

The explanation is simple. The daughter lives with her parents, on their territory and at their expense. She is not married, does not work, and both her and her grandson are supported by her grandparents. That is, the daughter is not independent. As long as she depends on her parents, they can ignore her wishes. Moreover, they benefit from it. If the daughter grew up to be dependent, they gained the opportunity to have total control over her. Now it is important for them to gain the opportunity to have total control over their grandson.

The opportunity to raise an independent child does not appear until his parents become independent. How do independent parents solve such problems of relationships with grandmothers? Sometimes it is quite categorical: “Dear parents, if you do not respect my principles of education, I will be forced to limit your communication.” Only an independent and independent person can set his own rules. His opinion is listened to. And the opinion of a dependent person can be ignored, because he still has nowhere to go.

If the process of separation from your parents has not yet been completed or you are constantly building codependent relationships, it makes sense to work with a psychologist and undergo a course of personal psychotherapy. Alas, not all problems can be solved by reading books. An outside perspective is often needed.

Lack of independence in a vertical “parent-child” or horizontal “husband-wife” relationship always has some kind of benefit, a hidden need for each participant in the system.

“We have been living together for ten years, and every morning begins with the question: “Liuba, where are my socks?” This is unbearable!

– But you endured this for ten years, and what now brought you to a consultation with a family psychologist?

- We have a son. A wonderful boy, very smart, developing quickly. He started talking early, he is now one and a half years old, and he is already repeating rhymes after me! – The woman’s face glows with joy and pride for her son.

– And what does this have to do with my husband’s socks? Facial expression and intonation change again:

– He repeats after his husband: “Where are my socks”! What an example he sets for his son! Who's going to grow up with us?

- It's clear. Tell me, what do you do when you hear this question from your husband?

- I? I give him socks.

- All ten years?

– Can you imagine how ingrained this reflex is in him? And at your suggestion. Literally. He asks - are you serving? If you want your husband to change his behavior, then first of all you must change yours.

– How can I change it? Should I tell him: “Take care of your own socks”?

– It sounds rough... But what if you come up with a softer option?

– The socks are in the closet in the bedroom, on the second shelf from the bottom, yours are on the left.

– Do your socks always lie in the same place?

“I think after a few reminders your husband will remember where to look for the socks.”

– What should I do with my son so that this question does not arise?

- Likewise. If the socks always lie in the same place, the child will remember this. Simple comments will help: “And our socks are lying here,” instructions will help: “The socks need to be put in place,” requests will help: “Go, bring the socks,” “Please put on the socks.” And you need to be prepared for the fact that the child will put on his socks with the heel up, and maybe unpaired ones. But he will do everything himself.

It so happens that before the birth of a child, a woman willingly plays the role of mother for her husband. “He will die of hunger without me!”, “He won’t find socks without me!” And the husband, with his behavior: “Olya, I didn’t find anything to eat,” plays along with her. In such a game there is always an unconscious need on the part of both partners. But everything can be changed. If desired.