Women's initiative: is it worth taking the first step? Should you propose to a man first? Should you propose first?
For many centuries and millennia, a man should always be the first to talk about his feelings. It was his privilege, and the woman did not encroach on it. But progress works wonders not only in science and technology, but also in human relations.
Now everything is much simpler: whoever is more determined will hold the cards. No one will be surprised by a girl who dares to be the first to confess her love. And the stronger half seems to be gradually getting used to it. But does it really matter who is first if there is a positive result?
We choose, we are chosen...
It is unlikely that you will have to rack your brains at all if the object of your attention: a) is seriously interested in you and b) is a decisive person, so much so that he will completely free you from doubts and worries and will tell you everything you want to hear from him. In this case, you will only have to reciprocate immediately or, if you decide to keep him in suspense, after some time. This option does not require any sophisticated imagination from you. Most likely, the words will come out of your mouth, because you will know that there will be no refusal. And if suddenly a man who is indifferent to you confesses his love to you, do not rush to mock him or offend him with a careless word. Remember that every person deserves to be treated with care. You can tell him something like this: “I’m very pleased to hear this from you. I treat you very well, but, unfortunately, I cannot respond in kind. We can be good friends. I think everything will be fine with you, you will definitely meet your girlfriend.” He, of course, like any person, will be unpleasant to receive a refusal, but the pain will become less acute if he feels attention to himself and hears words of support.
How to approach him first
But suppose he doesn’t know or has no idea about your feelings at all. And you have no idea how he feels towards you. You seem to notice that he is looking in your direction in a special way, but who knows - what if he looks at all the girls that way? And even if your friends say that he has had his eye on you for a long time, you are still at a loss - he is silent like a fish! But living in uncertainty becomes more difficult every day. So you can suffer indefinitely, and then one day see him with another. And then a thought comes to you: maybe, without wasting time, tell him everything honestly? And at the same time, just the thought that they will be said makes my head spin. So you continue to live between desire and fear, on the swing of doubt. To say - not to say?
Why not? In the end, it is better to clarify your prospects as soon as possible than to hang in the clouds for months, or even years, relying on fate. If you have already decided, you are faced with two questions: how to do it? And what to do if you miss?
Option one is absolutely safe.
Send him a note, fax or email. There's a whole carload of advantages. Firstly, if your confession turns out to be inappropriate, the target always has the opportunity to pretend that he never received any letter at all. Everything will become clear to you without words: since he is silent and pretends to be a hose, it means you missed. There are men who prefer to clarify the situation. Such a person will tell you himself that he received the message, but... Here you are also free to do as you wish. If you see that your feelings do not find an answer and for some reason you do not want to demonstrate them anymore, lie: “What are you talking about, I don’t understand anything. Who sent you the letter? I?!!" The rounder your eyes are, the more stupid the subject will feel. By the way, in this situation you have the opportunity to throw the hook again. “Do you really really want to receive a love letter from me?” that's what you can ask with genuine sympathy in your voice and a reassuring look from under your eyelashes. What if it turns out that now he is already dreaming about it?
Option two. Whisper to him about the main thing during the dance.
Slow, of course. No matter what he tells you after hearing this, you will still know the truth. Because you will feel how his body reacted to the message. And that’s not what you were thinking at all. It's a matter of subtle changes in his movements. If the body tenses and barely noticeably moves away, then you have hit the wrong gate. If, on the contrary, it becomes limp, then the person most likely does not know how to react. A sure sign that your feelings are reciprocated: your partner will try to hug you tighter or at least find your hand to squeeze it in a fit of emotion. The bravest one will dare to kiss.
Option three is for girls with strong nerves.
Invite him on a date or to your home and tell him the whole truth right in his eyes. It must be said that the reaction of the object can be the most unpredictable, even if he is head over heels in love with you. What if he decides that this is a guide to action, but he is not ready today? Or just ready, but you meant something completely different. And then, what will you do if he politely says: “Sorry, but I have a girlfriend!” Will you proudly turn around and walk away, secretly wiping away your tears? Or will you tell him, smiling forcefully: “Shall we remain friends?” If you are sure that you will do both well, then go ahead.
Option four. You can, of course, send a friend with the news and give her the task of presenting the whole matter in the best possible way.
Yet again; In this case, you will be protected from having to listen to a polite refusal. She - a friend - will do it for you. And he will bring it to you in his beak. In this case, two out of three people will definitely enjoy it: the man with whom you are in love will enjoy what occupies the imagination of a beautiful girl and he is not the only one who knows about it. And his friend - from enlightenment to secret, from awareness of the importance of his mission and from sweet pity for you: she knows for sure that he doesn’t like you. Well, if something happens, you can ease your suffering by sobbing on the shoulder of a faithful friend. But keep in mind that a friend can play with a broken phone between times and convey something different from what your sweetheart said, or distort his words, and, God forbid, you will still have to clear up the mess she brewed.
In the modern world, people prefer to hide their true emotions and thoughts. We began to talk openly about our sympathy for each other less and less, fearing rejection and ridicule. The most difficult thing is for the fair half of humanity to take the first step, because from time immemorial it has not been customary for a lady to take the initiative. But sometimes you can give up your principles, especially if you are confident of a positive result. Women always ask the question of how to understand that a guy is not indifferent to you. Despite the restraint of most men, it is still possible to determine his attitude towards you.
How to understand that a guy is not indifferent to you? Paying attention to the interlocutor
No person can hide his true feelings and emotions in a personal conversation with the object of veneration. It's no secret that a man in love often behaves stupidly and recklessly. Therefore, you should not be surprised by awkward phrases, strange questions and confused looks. When the girl you like is in close proximity, the level of adrenaline in the blood of a person in love goes through the roof. You may notice hyperactivity on his part, excessive gesticulation during conversations and a slightly elevated tone. When thinking about how to understand that a guy cares, just pay close attention to him. Your views will often intersect, because a man, as a rule, does not have time to orient himself and look away. Take a closer look at his posture when he sits, stands or walks. The body is turned as far as possible in your direction, the shoulders are straightened. And if another man suddenly approaches you, the body is tense, from the outside such people resemble a pouting peacock.
How to understand that a guy is not indifferent to you? Look at the actions
So, the person you like behaves exactly as described above. It's time for the next step. There is no need to directly talk about the presence of sympathy or the desire to start a relationship - such “attacks” only scare men and make them run away without looking back. Be positive, open, but friendly. Then the hunter’s instinct will awaken in the young man, and he himself will want to achieve. During a personal one-on-one conversation, pay attention to his pupils. Scientists consider extended icons to be one of the clearest signs of flirting. It is believed that this is how the body reacts to an object of the opposite sex that it likes. It so happened historically that men, when communicating on the phone, speak briefly, laconically and only to the point. If a guy, being in the status of a friend, calls you for no particular reason, chats about all sorts of trifles, listens to your stories about dresses and other girlish hobbies, there can be no doubt - he is truly passionate about you.
How to understand that a guy is not indifferent to you? Blurring boundaries
Each person has his own personal life, which he carefully protects, allowing only a select few into such an intimate zone. If a man admires a woman and passionately wants to get her, he will subconsciously do everything possible to become indispensable. He solves problems that arise, for example, he arrives immediately, putting aside all his affairs if your car breaks down. When a guy is not indifferent, he is very willing to introduce the lady to his friends, and then to his family. By the way, often a lot depends on the opinions of friends. Any man is flattered that others like his woman.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I recently encountered a problem, I hope for your help. I started communicating with one young man, we walked every day in the same company, and the communication was nothing more than friendly. After some time, I began to notice certain vibes in my direction, it was mutual. But the guy, unfortunately, was indecisive, probably afraid that I was just joking with him, maybe from the outside it looked like that. We corresponded with him, while walking in a common company, he often began to come up to me, hug me, and at the same time made it a joke. He began to take me home, it was clear that he really liked me and he did not deny it. And one evening we decided to talk about us, the problem arose that at the moment we live in different cities (a distance of 180 km, not so much, but still), I study, I come to my hometown 2 times per month. The fact is that he had similar relationships at a distance and in the end nothing worked out, because of this he is afraid to start something, but there is sympathy and desire, after his words it was clear that he wants me to convince him . We talked for a long time, but came to nothing. The next day we kissed, everything started to spin, we didn’t want to tear ourselves away from each other, and another day passed in the same way. On the third day, I decided to find out who we are to each other. We were relaxing, he drank a little, and said that it would be better for us to talk tomorrow. In the end, I just went home, I didn’t want to stay any longer. He wrote messages and began to worry. For myself, I decided to put an end to it, because... a person is indecisive and does not make any decisions, and it’s difficult for me to be in limbo, not knowing who we are to each other. On the last day of my stay in my hometown, we went out for a walk with friends, this young man drove up to us, I decided not to find out anything and not pretend to be an offended girl, I greeted him warmly, but later with my behavior I made it clear that the end had been set . He came up to me, touched me, as if by chance, but the conversation about us never happened. I was still waiting for him to do something, but no. And the next day I left. Now I’m sitting and thinking, maybe something should have been done. I know for sure that he likes me, but he is afraid of something and the problem is indecision. And I really liked him. Should I write to him? Is it worth making another attempt at conversation? Or should I let everything go since he doesn’t do anything? What do you recommend in this case? Thank you in advance!
Psychologist Geronimus Ivan Aleksandrovich answers the question.
Hello Arina!
When a relationship is just beginning, many doubts arise: should I start a relationship with this person? Can I take the initiative myself or is it better to wait for the other person to make the first move?
Do I like this person? does he like me?
In addition, our past experiences influence us. For example, if we had a bad experience in a relationship with a person from another city, we will be afraid to start such a relationship, even if there is no rational basis for this.
A lot is changing in the modern world. And if the traditional role of a man is to look after a woman, and women are to accept (or, conversely, reject) these advances, now many girls are not afraid to take a more active position themselves.
However, the lack of a generally accepted idea of how different genders should behave can also be confusing: should I behave in a traditional way or in a more modern way.
What to do? How to make decisions in such a situation?
There is probably no generally accepted method; everyone has their own. And in this sense, I’m very interested in whether you have had other choice situations in your life in which you successfully managed to make a decision? How did it work out for you?
On the other hand, it is easier to make a choice when you know better what you want.
You might find it helpful to think about the following topics:
Which young man would be best for you?
How does the young man meet your wishes and expectations?
To wait or not to wait for a proposal from a beloved man is almost a Hamlet-like question for many girls who have been in a relationship for more than one year. It would seem that in the modern world, for many, it has long been no longer important for the man to dominate in a couple. However, nowhere will you find articles for men on how to wait for a marriage proposal from a woman. Whether to wait for the cherished proposal if a man is dragging his feet on the initiative, or to take everything into his own hands - we weigh all the pros and cons.
I can't bear to get married
We’ve been a couple for five years now, we’ve been living together for three years, but my boyfriend still doesn’t dare take me as his wife,” my client, 26-year-old Alena, cries. - Self-esteem is falling, I’m very upset that I’m worse than my friends who got married very suddenly? - she continues.
No, not worse. And you shouldn’t compare yourself to others either. It’s just that Alenin, a young man, hasn’t made up his mind yet; he’s afraid to take responsibility for the relationship and for this particular woman. After all, it is very convenient for him that Alena performs all the functions of a wife: she takes care of him and everyday life, spends free time together, sleeps with him, earns money. Another thing is that Alain has recently ceased to be satisfied with this state of affairs. One can understand her: if something happens, Alena will not even be allowed into the hospital to see her common-law husband.
As a family psychologist, I am categorically against civil marriages with a shelf life of more than one year. Why? Let me explain. Firstly, no legal rights - neither to jointly acquired property, nor to business, nor to social status. Secondly, there are no guarantees: what if the man never makes up his mind or changes his mind. Thirdly, time is running out, so you can wait until the follicle reserves are depleted.
Why is it so important to get an offer?
At all times, under any regime, in war or peacetime, most girls are waiting for a marriage proposal from their chosen one. Why? Because it means only one thing - a man chose you among billions of women on Earth, you are the most beautiful, desired and beloved for him, and here and now he made the decision: “We are together in sorrow and in joy, in wealth and poverty, in illness and good health. From now on and forever." After all, he is a man, and his word is law.
I want and I can
Patience is the main feminine quality that was brought up in girls from childhood for many centuries before and after the birth of Christ. In wild tribes, such female initiations are still found today: girls are isolated in separate rooms or hung in hammocks for several months so that they learn an important quality for a woman - to accept her fate and endure. It is important for a woman to be able to wait until the grain thrown into the ground sprouts and starts to sprout, until the man returns from hunting, until the child is born or the porridge is cooked.
True, modern realities are such that men are becoming more and more feminine, and women are becoming more masculine. The traditional women's strategy “the young lady is already lying down and asking,” unfortunately, does not work. Or it works, but with a limited contingent of men. Therefore, sooner or later the question arises: maybe make an offer yourself? Yes, of course, if you are brave and determined.
Why you shouldn't be afraid
Main concerns
Shifting roles. We are afraid that if we propose ourselves, we will end up dragging ourselves to make the most significant decisions as a couple. But no. In relationships, infantile men become even more infantile, regardless of our manifestations, and mature men become even more mature. Please don't think that one snowflake is snow.
"They made me". Girls do not propose to their men, because they are afraid that then the man will remind them all their lives: “Horror, horror, you forced me to marry you.” I’ll tell you a great secret: a man gets married only in one case - if he wants to get married. No other forces will force him. Moreover, no one can force him to do this. Therefore, if a man even remembers this once, this is manipulation. Remember the saying “he who remembers the old is out of sight”, that’s right, it’s just about a similar situation.
Fear of being alone. But this is a more real reason than any far-fetched ones. Sooner or later, we suddenly discover that we are 20+, 30+ or 40+, we want to give birth again, life is so fast, and next to us there is not an ideal man, but our own. On the plus side, it is clear that he is the dearest, you love his smell, the way he laughs and how you ski together in the winter. But this man is not the only man on Earth, and you have a chance to meet another who, after some time, will become your own. And the downsides: if a man never marries you, can you accept it? And if you stay in a relationship in which you are unhappy, why do you need such a relationship?
How to propose to a man
Ultimatum. Many girls propose in the form of an ultimatum - either you marry me or we break up. This makes sense if you are truly ready to leave. Because men are smart and, first of all, read your determination. The advantage of this option is that the tension will decrease.
Not all of us have a tolerance for tension - literally living for years under the sword of Damocles of expectation. By the way, the unknown is very energy-consuming for the psyche and greatly undermines self-confidence. Minus - a man may say that he is not ready for marriage. Then you will have to either really leave, or accept that your ultimatums will no longer work.
Agree on critical deadlines. When you live in a civil marriage, the man gets everything at once. A man’s needs in life together are very simple: sexual satisfaction, a partner for free time, the external attractiveness of his woman, peace and comfort in the home and constant admiration for him. These needs are perfectly satisfied in cohabitation, so the man has no incentive to further develop the relationship.
In this case, a good way to leave the man freedom for initiative, but to define your conditions, is this: if you nevertheless agree to a civil marriage, clearly define the time limits. For example, we live for six months and, if everything suits us, we submit an application to the registry office.
Pick up to return. If you notice that time is passing and there is no offer, you don’t have to threaten to leave and take everything away at once. You can, for example, gradually stop cooking, but not demonstratively, but cunningly. Keep yourself busy with work, hobbies, personal affairs. And in response to complaints, gently and kindly note that if you were married, then yes, you would make cooking a priority.
And when you get married, everything will definitely be the same. And now you simply cannot afford it. Of course, such a trick will not work with every man. But if it’s so important to him that you be a full-time cook, then not getting married is simply unheard of impudence on his part.
And there is also a risk in this method - you may like your new, freer life so much that you yourself will be glad to break out of this relationship, where the man for some reason is sure that he can keep you waiting for so many years, getting everything.
Hello Irina! Do you think a girl should take the first step in a relationship? I like a young man of my age (we are 19), and I think he likes me (or rather, he did - now, as it happens, we hardly communicate). He has a rather complex character, he is an introvert, and I know that he himself will not take the first step. He and I studied on courses together, were good friends, he always came to my aid and communicated with pleasure. You wouldn’t call him indecisive, in general, but in matters of the heart, I know he has little experience, and he keeps all his feelings for someone to himself. He never talked to me about his personal life at all, didn’t talk about himself, didn’t ask me anything. So we communicated like pioneers, and I wasn’t completely sure whether he liked me or not. One way or another, the guy is a good guy, with pronounced literary talent, smart and sympathetic. We study at different universities, we rarely see each other, he doesn’t have a girlfriend now. I’m tempted to talk to him frankly, but, of course, I’m afraid to hear a refusal. And in general, I doubt whether this will be right, maybe we should wait until he wakes up. In general, my thoughts have already begun to get confused, and yet I need to make a decision about whether my behavior should be active or passive. What do you think? Thank you.
Marina, Kyiv, 19 years old
Art psychologist's answer:
Hello, Marina!
If you are sure that “he won’t definitely take the first step himself,” then what’s the point of waiting? You contradict yourself: “In general, I doubt whether this will be right, maybe we should wait until he wakes up.” Sorry, but the question arises, what should he wake up from? Perhaps he is unaware of your desires and lives in peace. I deliberately put two of your contradictory quotes next to each other. Deal with this first. I don’t see anything reprehensible in the fact that modern girls have to take a more active position. I think that you yourself understand this. The problem is different - fear of rejection. And this largely depends on how you act. A frontal attack is unlikely to succeed. Gradually, in a friendly way, start communicating with the person, find common interests, topics for conversation, try to little by little get rid of distant topics, for example, about the weather, study, work, etc., and talk about what is important to you. Make appointments, but ones that would be interesting to him too. What is he interested in, what would he like to watch, etc. And in the process of communication, you will understand whether it makes sense to be more frank.
Sincerely, Fuzeynikova Irina, art psychologist
