The young man threw it away. Cut off all the ends? “A young man left me, I’m looking for consolation, but my friend doesn’t support me Review of consultation

Marinusya

Hello! A young man left me. I am 32 years old, he is 28. We met at work a year and a half ago, he was married, he has a child from this marriage. We began a relationship, at first non-binding flirting, later affection, which grew into stronger feelings. Six months after we met, he broke up with his wife, or rather, she left him after learning about his infidelity. A month later, he rented an apartment and I began to stay with him almost every day. There were several conversations about living together, but it never ended; I was in guest mode. Six months later I became pregnant, at first he said that he didn’t need a child, he was not ready to become a dad again, but there was no talk of abortion on his part, much less on mine. We had a big fight, but after a couple of weeks we started talking again, after some time he offered to move in with him and I moved. When I went on maternity leave, I began to often stay with my mother, because there were conditions for sleeping, walking and preparing for childbirth. A month before the birth, we had a big quarrel, there were attempts to explain ourselves and somehow improve the relationship, mainly on my part, because I felt most of the guilt in the quarrel. After the quarrel, I stayed with my mother. We rarely spoke on the phone. After the birth, he did not come for discharge, the child and I were discharged to his mother, he arrived a week later and said that he was not ready for us to live together and he was better off alone. A week later he brought my things. I have a feeling that I ruined the relationship and left the child without a father, because he has an ambiguous attitude towards the child: he said that he does not consider himself a father, because I registered the child in my last name (this issue was agreed upon with him). And now I don’t know what to do: accept his infrequent visits to the child and put up with it, or cut all the loose ends, because it’s hard for me to communicate with him?

Marinusya, hello! First of all, congratulations on becoming a mother! Who do you have: son or daughter? How long has it been since giving birth? Do I understand correctly that after that big quarrel before the birth, you didn’t really communicate with the child’s father? Have you already issued a birth certificate? Who is recorded as the child's father? Could you explain why it is difficult for you to communicate with this man and why you quarreled on the eve of giving birth?

What would you like to receive as a result of a consultation with a psychologist?

Marinusya

Thank you for your congratulations!) We have a daughter. He also has a daughter from his first marriage, and when the ultrasound showed a girl, he was very happy and said that it would be daddy’s daughter. The birth took place on March 19, discharge after 5 days, now 6 weeks have passed. Yes, that’s right, a month before the birth we had a big quarrel, actually because of nonsense, he was getting ready to go to his parents and told me before leaving (my parents live nearby), and I was preparing a surprise for him for the evening and was offended that he was visiting I didn’t agree with my parents, we remembered some old grievances with each other, my hormones were playing strongly, now I understand that all this was wrong, and yes, after that we rarely called each other and wrote to each other on social networks. I filled out the certificate, there is a dash in the father column. In fact, before giving birth, I said that it would be possible to register the child in my last name, since the marriage was not registered and bureaucratic red tape could be avoided, he remained silent, I decided that this option suits him. And then, after that quarrel, in the process of sorting things out, he said that I had deprived him of parental rights. And after filling out the certificate, he also said that I spat in his soul, putting a dash in it. It is difficult to see and communicate with him, because there is a strong attachment to him. I miss him, I miss communicating with him, I physically miss hugs and kisses. Before giving birth, my thoughts are occupied with others, but now I want his support and attention. Thank you very much for your answer, I want to understand myself and understand how to communicate with him further.

Marinusya, in my opinion, the most important issue now is the paternity of the child. Could you explain why you put a dash? You essentially accepted the status of a single mother, do we understand the situation in the same way? By doing this, you actually renounced the rights to paternity for your daughter, including the material participation of the father. Did you do this consciously? If yes, what is behind this for you? If not, do you agree that this is so?

Marinusya

Yes, Ekaterina, now the most important question is paternity. My dad died when I was 10 years old, and I would really like my child to have a dad. There was no awareness for this: the only reason was bureaucratic issues: for example, it’s easier to take a child abroad, you don’t need to obtain the father’s permission. I had no idea that this could be so important for a young man. Maybe I'm wrong, but I treat the certificate as just a piece of paper, nothing more.

Marinusya, as you saw from your man’s behavior, this may be perceived completely differently. Have you ever discussed this issue with him, explained your motives? Is he even somehow involved in the child? Does it provide financial support to you?

Marinusya

To be honest, I still don’t understand whether this is really so important for him or just an excuse to break up. When I mentioned for the first time that it was possible to register the child under my last name, he did not react at all, he simply remained silent. Later I mentioned that the child would have my last name, I argued, there were no discussions on his part and I said until the very end that the question was open, that is, I did not categorically insist, but I thought that this option suited him. Everything was decided when he arrived after giving birth and said that he was not ready to live together and was better off alone. I asked how we would register the child, but my last name, he said yes. Over the past week I asked only once on social media. Networking like a child. He didn't show himself anymore. Before that, I was interested, but I called or wrote first, I wanted to somehow establish communication with him, I hoped that something could still be returned, of course, without hysterics and clarification of our relationship, for example, I asked him to take the child and me to the clinic. He took the child, did not let go of his arms, and was kind. But on the same day he called and said that his help meant nothing and that he didn’t consider himself a dad because he didn’t live with us. He doesn’t help financially, but I didn’t ask, he said that he would help as much as possible.

This is the question, that after our rare meetings and communication, for another two or three days, memories of our joint past come flooding back to me, a feeling of guilt rolls in that I was unable to save the relationship, I understand that I miss him. And I can’t figure out what’s the best thing to do: break off all communication completely or give him time, maybe he’ll change his attitude towards the child.

Marinusya

Ideally, I would like to create a family, the one we talked about while we lived together, because we had plans and dreams together. But I'm not sure that he needs it. When he brought the things, I asked: maybe it’s worth giving the relationship another chance, he said that now neither I nor he need it, let’s leave everything like this at least for a while. It seems to me that he has another woman or is actively searching. The conclusions were drawn on the basis that he began to take care of himself: he got a fashionable haircut, went in for sports, bought new things.

Marinusya, if this is true, and he is now not interested in restoring your relationship, what option do you see for yourself? Would you like to document his paternity? Is it important for you that your daughter has a father whose name is known and who can be held financially responsible?

Marinusya

There are two options: either break off all communication with him: as you know, out of sight, out of mind; or tolerate infrequent communication and wait for him to return. Of course, I consider the fact that my daughter has a dash on her certificate to be my biggest mistake and, of course, I still had to insist that the child be registered in the father’s last name. It’s a pity, but now nothing can be done: I made an excuse, the answer was that, as always in my repertoire, I first spat in his soul, and then I try to fix something.

Ekaterina, what does “if this is true” mean? Do you think he could be lying?

Marinusya, I do not agree that nothing can be done. You can admit your mistake and ask him to acknowledge paternity. If he refuses, you can claim paternity through the court. The most important thing is whether you want this for yourself and for your daughter. From my point of view, this is a very important question not only about your relationship with a man, but also from the point of view of the future of your child. She will definitely want to know who her father was and she will ask you these questions, and it is possible that she will accuse you of depriving her of the opportunity to communicate with her father. Maintaining a relationship with a man who has lost interest in you is most likely not within your power, but providing your daughter with a father in her life is definitely within your power. In any case, if you do everything in your power, you yourself will be able to look your daughter in the eyes with a clear conscience, and all responsibility for this will not be on you.

If you really, without emotion and for the sake of your unborn child, try to discuss this issue with a man, then I think a lot will become clear to you. When a person admits his mistake and asks for the opportunity to correct it - not even for himself but for the future common child, only a person who avoids responsibility very much will respond with a phrase about “spit in the soul.” If I were you, I would say: “You can consider me anyone and think whatever you want, but you and I simply must take into account the future of our daughter. I was mistaken and I regret it, I ask you not for my own sake, but for her sake, to reconsider your decision.”

By “if this is true,” I meant that he is not behaving so negatively with you for educational reasons, but in fact, he has found or hopes to build a new relationship, and now it is more interesting for him, and therefore becoming an official father is not very convenient.

Marinusya

Ekaterina, thank you very much for the detailed explanation. Let me clarify: but even if a man agrees to reissue the child’s birth certificate, this cannot affect his desire to see and communicate with his daughter. I'm afraid that time will pass and he will never develop an attachment to the child. And then, if my arguments regarding his new relationship are correct, do you think this will prevent him from recognizing the child, did I understand correctly?

Marinusya

Not really. Ekaterina, for me the interests of the child come first, and after our communication with you, I am more inclined to another option.

Marinusya, I agree with you that there are no guarantees that a man will turn towards his daughter. But at the same time, it is quite obvious to me that getting a man to recognize himself as the father of your girl is a feasible task. Although, if he seriously resists this, it can be very unpleasant for you. That's why I'm asking you, do you need this? You wrote correctly at the very beginning: that organizationally it will be easier for you in some ways, for example, you will be able to use help from the state as a single mother, and you will also not have to obtain a man’s consent to travel abroad. In a situation where he explicitly refuses to participate in raising the child, this may be a rational choice. But I draw your attention to the fact that now he blames you for the current state of affairs, and it is possible that he will behave the same way in the future, for example, when his daughter is an adult. Can you explain to her that it was not just your choice? If this risk now seems significant to you, then perhaps it is really worth making an effort to go your part of the way and make efforts to return him to the role of a father (at least at the official level). In this case, all other decisions will already be in his area of ​​​​responsibility.

I understand that the direction of our consultation has deviated somewhat from your initial request to restore an emotional connection with the father of your daughter, but for now I believe that it is impossible not to take this aspect into account.

As for your relationship in general, do you feel the strength to make another attempt to clarify something with a man and indicate to him your wishes to return the relationship or do you think that it is useless?

Marinusya

Ekaterina, thank you very much, I am rereading and rereading our correspondence with you and the situation has opened up for me from a slightly different perspective. You are absolutely right that it is impossible not to take into account the relationship between a man and a child; it turns out to be such a closed triangle. For me, first of all, it became important to take into account the child’s communication with his father. I will not hide that I really wouldn’t want to experience a feeling of guilt in front of the child that she is growing up without a father, but it already exists. But if we consider the issue of my relationship with a man not for the sake of the child, but for the sake of myself, then I still probably would have found strength. Based on previous experience: breaking up a relationship should bring a feeling of freedom and inspiration or something, as if you got rid of something heavy, but now there is no such feeling, there is only a feeling of pain and lack of a loved one nearby.

Marinusya, I understand you and I really sympathize with you. Do I understand correctly that you yourself are not entirely sure whether the man is offended by you and expresses his negative feelings with his distance, or that he has long had a desire to leave the relationship, and he used certain events as a reason for this?

Do you have any mutual friends who could shed light on this issue? Perhaps someone from your circle communicates with him or with those who know him? Could you try to collect more information about how your child’s father lives now?

It also seems important to me to know about his previous marriage: as I understand from your story, your relationship with him began while he was still married, and in a sense, he moved from a relationship with his wife to your relationship without interruption. What do you know about how he separated from his wife? Was he involved in the life of his first daughter? Have you maintained contact with her and your ex-wife? How were property issues resolved? Do you know anything about why he was not satisfied with his marriage, what he himself considered the reason for separating from his wife?

Do the man’s parents know that they have another granddaughter? Were you familiar with them?

Who is helping you now? Whose support can you rely on, who provides for you and your child? Since you met him at work, perhaps there are common colleagues who can help you with information about the man?

Marinusya

No, Ekaterina, I'm not sure. But I think that if a man had long wanted to end the relationship, he would have done it. I am, in principle, an emotional person, and during pregnancy I often became irritated over little things and tears could flow for no apparent reason, and the quarrel that happened between us apparently became his last straw of patience. We only have mutual acquaintances from work, but I don’t think that this will somehow clarify what he is living with now. Exclusively only from his words, because in those rare meetings when we see each other, he willingly talks about his affairs.
Yes, that’s right, our relationship began when he was married, it was just flirting, nothing more: he doubted, then made peace with his wife, then quarreled again and ran to me again. He and his wife separated very hard, with a scandal. The reason for their constant quarrels, which led to divorce, was her frequent hanging out with her friends in clubs, etc. (this is from his words, but I can’t doubt it, because his wife posted photos on social networks and I I saw them). He has a strong attachment to his daughter, he took her for the whole weekend and introduced me to the child almost immediately, at that time the girl was 2 years old, in the summer her ex-wife took her to her parents, where the child still lives, now they only communicate by phone, but regularly. There was no property issue - the apartment was rented, so we went to different apartments.

Marinusya, I feel that it would be very difficult for you to break off a relationship with a man, although you have not only positive feelings for him now. Maybe a frank conversation could help you, in which you would express what you understand about your relationship, admit some mistakes, say about your desire to try to build a relationship again and be good parents to your common child and a good partner for a man? Perhaps it would be important for him to hear this from you? Do you feel ready for such a conversation, even if he cannot give you the desired answer?

Marinusya

I can’t say that he was closed: he showed his dissatisfaction with something, but casually, without conflicts or heated clarifications. As a rule, if I doubted some of his feelings or something confused me, then I initiated the conversations, but he did not shy away from answering and, as a rule, we managed to understand each other. The value of a relationship is the very fact of having a loved one to whom you can turn for advice; he is kind, sympathetic and caring. Parents, like his other relatives, know about our child. I only know my mother. The father is often on the move, relatives live in another city. Now my child and I live with my mother. Financially, I can only rely on myself, because I have small savings.

A frank conversation is certainly a way out, but I’m afraid to seem intrusive, since I already asked him whether his decision to break off the relationship was final and after some time asked for another chance. There was only one answer: now it will be better for both you and me. Although perhaps it was necessary to be more confident: ask for forgiveness, admit mistakes and talk more thoroughly.

Marinusya

Wonderful psychologist! She felt the situation very accurately, examined it in detail and helped resolve it. Thanks a lot!

I recently had an unsuccessful affair with a friend of a friend's husband. We met for a short time, the young man behaved ugly: having lost interest in me, he simply disappeared. I wrote to him on social networks asking for an explanation, but he responded briefly and casually. I was deeply hurt by being treated like a used thing. I told my friend about this, but it seemed to me that she didn’t see anything wrong in his action. This makes me sad. I feel that I have been treated poorly and need support. I would like to discuss this with my friend, but I don’t want to turn her against this young man.

Yanina, 27 years old

You really shouldn’t turn a friend and her husband against their friend. They will be able to understand from their own experience what kind of person he is. They introduced you, but are not responsible for your relationship. Try to focus on your feelings: a short romance that did not develop did not necessarily have to leave a negative mark on your soul. At the beginning, relationships are always very fragile, and their development depends on whether there is enough mutual interest. You both need to be willing to invest more energy, emotion, and time into them.

Obviously, you have failed to move to a closer level of relationship. This can be quite unpleasant if you have opened up more than he has. Perhaps the dating situation itself gave false hope: since this is a person in your circle, you expected more from him than from a random stranger. You are offended and hurt that the relationship did not work out. It is unpleasant when a person suddenly interrupts communication.

Try to understand what in the young man’s behavior from the very beginning indicated the impossibility of developing a relationship. Try to take this experience into account when communicating with others. If you find it difficult to cope with strong emotions, you can write him a detailed letter, telling him about your feelings. It is not necessary to send a letter. Writing a text often helps you better understand your own experiences.

Hello!
I am 35 years old, I live in a small village. I know that no one can help me now, I am writing only to ease my soul at least a little. Everything is banal. For others, it may seem that everything is not so serious and there are many such stories. I was dumped by a young man whom I had been dating for six years. And I shouldn’t have any complaints against him, he never promised to be with me until the grave..
I liked him at first sight. Handsome, smart, versatile, athletic, skillful. In addition, it later turned out that he was noble and decent. He treated his parents with great respect. There are few of them now.
We started dating. True, he does not live in our village, so we met more on weekends, we always spent holidays together. I got more and more used to it. It seemed as if a soul in heaven was soaring and laughing when he was near. I tried as best I could to surround him with care and attention. Everything seemed to be fine, if not for one “but”. From the very beginning, he might not call even once for several days in a row. There were never compliments, beautiful words, or heartfelt conversations. It's like I'm just a friend. When over time she began to hint at this to him, he said, “I’m not like that and I won’t be,” and “what to talk about every day.” I was bored and could even just be silent with him for hours... I was tormented by doubts, whether he really is “not like that” himself, or whether he simply doesn’t love me. Now I don’t know anymore. Against this background, we often quarreled and I was offended. Or rather, I always spoke out, he kept silent, and then I didn’t talk to him. But nothing changed. And all this accumulated. I was worried about this all the time, but I didn’t want to lose him. It seemed that in everything else we suited each other, when we were together, we felt good and interesting together, and I loved him very much.
Last November, he told me that he was tired, that he wanted to make a decision in life, and that we, as he had long ago realized, could not be together. And left. To say that I was shocked is to say nothing. I didn’t eat anything, I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t sit or lie down, it was pure hellish pain. She called, wrote, begged - silence. It’s a shame, because I was once proud, I condemned obsessive girls, but now I didn’t care, as long as I was nearby. The month of hell, the worst month of my life. Then we met one day and persuaded him to “try again.” We met rarely, I understood with my mind that everything was useless, I was terribly worried, but did not show it. Serious problems in gynecology began due to nervousness; now it is not known whether I will have children, and my age is getting older.
Two months ago he left completely. He said it wasn’t even a matter of quarrels, he realized that he needed a different type of girl.
For me now life is over. Without food or sleep, I lost up to 45 kg, tears, hair turned gray in a month. I can’t talk to anyone, do anything, like a living corpse, only this constant terrible pain in my chest and mortal longing for him.
Some women on the site complain that they were left alone with small children after being abandoned. They don’t understand what happiness it is – that there is a child, the meaning of life, that you can take care of, love, and educate. Now I would give anything to have a piece of my loved one...
What is there to live for now? Who needs me now? Yes, I myself won’t be able to love anyone like that again, I know for sure. And there is nothing to distract you in a small village. And I can’t be distracted by anything.
And he will soon have a new wonderful girlfriend, they will love each other and be happy, have a family and children... I understand, it’s not his fault, but it hurts so much.
He also wanted us to remain friends and be able to communicate later. He knows about my condition, calls periodically, and gets to the bottom of it. He even came a couple of times, he’s worried, he says that I’m acting stupid, that all this will go away with time. And after that I feel even worse...
I don't know how to live further.

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Albina, age: 35 / 07/19/2013

Responses:

Hello, dear Albina! I read your story.. I experienced about the same thing.. or not quite experienced it.. I don’t know yet.. I only know that no matter how banal it may sound, but life goes on and it is given to a person only once and if you are literally You can’t force yourself to live fully... the pain won’t go away. Just try to learn to rejoice, just as a baby learns to walk, so now you need to learn to rejoice at every sunrise, not to regret sunsets and what you can’t get back, love yourself, give yourself and those children who may have at least one chance... I don’t know, of course I’m just a person, not even a psychologist, it’s just that your pain is somehow like mine... I know for sure that the pain of the soul can be treated, you just need to try to fill it, this very soul with light, joy, faith.. Living in the past means experiencing this pain again and again... let it go! ENOUGH! To be honest, I would try not to see this person at all, believe me, it will be easier... In any case, everything is in your hands! “The Kingdom of God is within you...” don’t despair, soon, very soon it will get better...

dreamka, age: 32 / 07/20/2013

Albinochka!!! You are so kind, warm, sweet))) Your entire letter is permeated with such warmth.... I sympathize with your misfortune! I cry with you!
I want to hug you and sit quietly next to you. It's a pity that men rarely realize what a treasure is next to them.
There is no point in hoping that the man will return. You won’t be nice by force.... From the outside, it looks like he maintained the relationship with you in reserve, so if he left, then don’t let him come back. While it’s so hard for you, transfer your love and warmth to your loved ones, maybe someone needs it more...
Pray for everyone, forgive him, if people fully realized how much pain they could bring, they wouldn’t do this... And your man didn’t know what he was doing. Forgive him. Perhaps there is pressure on him from the outside, you did not mention his age. You understand, relatives are trying to match, marry, etc. Maybe he didn't have a choice...
Try to think less about him and don’t blame yourself, you are not to blame for what happened... God help you. I will pray for you, everything will come to its senses))))

Tatyana, age: 30 / 07/20/2013

Hello. What can I tell you - hang in there, time heals everything. Just why are you so obsessed with this person that you turned gray after he left, you lived only for him, and at the same time you understood that you had no happiness and harmony. You yourself say that he was quite cold, especially since you only saw each other on weekends, this also alienates people. Now you just need to pull yourself together and wait, time will pass and you will not experience his departure so bitterly, believe me, you have experienced it yourself. By the age of 30, I had also experienced enough breakups, and I know how painful it is to be left alone, without even having children. I don’t have them either, and I also have health problems. But we must fight, as it is said here in one article - life is a war, and whoever leaves it (suicides) is desertion. Therefore, you need to live on, move forward!

Anna2013, age: 30 / 07/20/2013

Dear Albina! I really want to support you, but at the same time help you see that you also need a different type of person. Just like he said about you. Believe me. This can be seen from the outside. And he will. You suffer, so you cannot see it in an elementary rational way, it’s as clear as two or two. But everything speaks about this. At first glance, this person behaves decently, but he also does not understand (perhaps he is pursuing his own goals) that such simplicity is worse than a fool: after all, he said that he needed someone else, broke his heart, what else does he need??? He's visiting, look... Tell him not to come again. And he didn’t tear out the remains of his soul. You really just lay down on the floor. Well, that’s not possible! We must extract grains of feminine dignity from our reserves and stop these meetings by force! What are you doing? Is this possible? You can live without another person. You can't live without yourself. And it is impossible without faith. Everything else is nonsense) and is given in due time. She won't love anyone. Ha! Everyone said this. Or maybe a person will need your love and he will want to become one with you? Or maybe it will be 10 times more suitable for you? What about compliments? This is important for a woman; life is made up of little things. What if you are healed and fall in love MUTUALLY and FOREVER? What if he WANTS a child from you? What if it was simply not your person? This could happen. Don’t let your currently ill selfishness cloud your eyes! Listen to what people tell you!)))

Alena, age: 31 / 07/20/2013

Dear Albina! I understand perfectly everything that you are feeling right now. I went through all this. I am your age, I don’t have any children yet. I won’t write much, but I can tell you unequivocally - there IS life after a breakup! No person is worth such suffering. I personally now feel very sorry for my wasted time on tears, suffering, worries, etc. Moreover, we do not have the right to destroy our own health. The man you describe, for all his positive qualities, is not an idol or an ideal. But an ordinary, and also irresponsible and infantile person. Well, God be with him. Don't follow his life, let him live there with whoever he wants. He doesn't deserve you. Be glad that you will not be watching his throwing and other incomprehensible actions. Let him go - both in your thoughts and in your heart. You are not already 35, but only 35 - and your family and children are still ahead. God does not give us trials that have no meaning and that we cannot endure. Our mistake is that we often cling to unworthy people out of a desire for love, a desire to have a family, etc. We need to wait for our person. And for this, to begin with, become yourself again and not dissolve in anyone. Dry your tears and walk away from this person. Advice from an experienced person - do not continue any friendship with him. In such cases, they don’t become friends. For you it will be masochism. For him, it is a way to satisfy his egoism and assert himself. And don’t say that you won’t love anyone THAT way again. Fall in love - and even more. Man posits, but God disposes. Just start with a good attitude towards yourself - eat, walk, relax, meet loved ones, remember your hobbies, take care of your health and appearance. It hurts now. But... It will pass. Return to yourself. Do not allow despair and despondency. I went through all of this exactly the same way. And happy. Everything will be fine. Read this site, come to God, appreciate, love and respect yourself. And then your true, full-fledged love will come into your life, and not some man who may not call for several days and not be interested in your life. God be with him, and you rise up, look at the world with different eyes, live, rejoice (at first even through force) and be happy! Everything will be fine!

Lana, age: 35 / 07/20/2013

Dear Albina! I'm afraid that you have painted a picture in your imagination about this person. It's good that he is caring towards his parents. But sometimes selfish people hide so much from life behind their parents’ backs that their whole life goes on like this. Now the fortieth anniversary has already been exchanged, and my mother takes care of everything, and often also helps with money. Therefore, judging by your story, your friend is clearly not suitable for the role of a noble hidalgo. It is your imagination that paints him this way. Once, my ex-husband told me in our only conversation about us, when we were trying to sort things out, that I look at life with rose-colored glasses and at him too, but he has long since changed and is not the same. I cried, I didn’t want to believe it, and I can be understood. My love, it seemed to me, saw him with his best qualities, in his best manifestations. I didn't want to believe that he would change for the worse. And now I understand that I was wrong. This is how I understood love. But love is not blind. She sees very well, and therefore remains love, because she trusts and covers. This does not mean that he does not see the negative, but in the negative he tries to unearth a pearl. If I were in love, I would act like an experienced surgeon, wishing the patient well and doing everything for his own happiness. And I was a wimp with hysteria. Meanwhile, maybe there was a chance to save the family, it was necessary to cut, and I whined and hid from the situation. And you have more “closed eyes”. Here he is ideal, and that’s all, although he acts obviously meanly. And this friendship of his is not, as it were, in reserve just in case. What if the girl of your dreams is never found... I think you need to cut it if you love him and love yourself. Don't give him a chance to get brutalized. “No, no, dear. I might congratulate you on your birthday, but there’s no need for visits.” Oh, if only I were your age! You can still build something. A friend of mine got married in her thirties, now she has three children, a good family. But you will never build it if you don’t cut it off now, because after all, you are not 17 years old to have to fight a duel over you. A “gentleman with a hint,” such as a friend, will scare off any reasonable man. Choose.

Vera, age: 43 / 07/20/2013

And everything will be fine with you, Albina :) I understand that my emoticon may seem inappropriate now, but it is so. This relationship was not happy for you - you were tormented, doubted, and there were “buts” from the very beginning. You just didn’t have the courage to face the truth, and because of seemingly correct guidelines - family, children - you endured this hardship.
So tell yourself now: stop! And take care of yourself. Look for happiness within yourself. You will see that interest in life and in other people will appear. Everything will be fine. Just don’t drag it out any further, don’t make things worse for yourself.

Tatyana, age: 40 / 07/20/2013

Albino, dear! My advice may seem “dry,” but try not to worsen your condition now. He is wandering around somewhere, and you are tormented about this strange person and causing harm, first of all, to yourself. 6 years is a long time and he could have decided MUCH earlier. It’s good that it’s not 7 or 8 or God forbid 10 years! The hardest thing to do here is to put an end to it, yes, yes, no, no. He said “no”, that’s it, let him move on. If he still comes or asks how you are doing, then let him clearly know how and why. I would ask every time, what do you need from me? This question is a sign of healthy self-esteem. If you want to be with me, then be with me, and if not, then go away, decide for the rest of your life. “Wrong guy,” he says, strange, very strange! It doesn’t take 6 years to identify your soul mate, he is either a manipulator, or a bully, or simply not a man yet, or all of the above. Tormenting a loving woman is not a sign of love.

Regarding children - have you thought about adopting? This is a very real option and the baby will be happy! You can accept several children gradually, and you will still have a beloved and friendly family. Unlike his abstract “love” that caused him so much pain, you will have REAL LOVE in ACTION. You will be a beloved mother! And you will have something to focus on, education, study. You will be able to give your love to a little person who will really appreciate it and be grateful for the rest of his life! This is real Love!

The third option is to turn to God, Who is that same boundless Love, Who will never abandon his own. The second and third options are very organic and related to each other!

Happiness to you, Love, Get well soon!!

Katya, age: 29 / 07/21/2013

Hello!
Thank you very much for your support. You read and it seems a little easier.
But he’s really decent, he doesn’t like it, just what to do. He doesn’t need me at all as a backup option. He’s just worried about my condition and feels guilty. Although it's all my fault.
Came again today. Didn't leave until I opened it. Find yourself a man urgently, he says, you’re wasting time, you don’t have any at all. And I will find it for myself. It’s as if this isn’t happening to me, just someone’s words behind the scenes.
It seemed she died again when the door slammed behind him.

Albina, age: 35 / 07/21/2013

Good evening, Albina!
For some reason I remembered the words of Chanel: “Genuine happiness is inexpensive: if you have to pay a high price for it, then it’s fake.”
From your story, I understood that from the very beginning your man behaved mysteriously. In response to your completely natural desire to communicate every day, understandable to any normal person, he replied that he was “not like everyone else.” And from what area, I wonder, is his “uniqueness”? Did he save drowning children or carry disabled old people out of a burning house in his arms, did he build a Temple, or did he make at least one person happy? I'm sure not.
You write that he is “Handsome, smart, versatile, athletic, skillful. In addition, it later turned out that he was noble and decent.” Did it ever occur to you that if this person were like that, then the first would follow from the last?
From your story, one gets the impression that your loved one is a rather cold-blooded, calculating and cynical person. Such people always have their own plan in their heads and, while implementing it, they do not think about those around them. As in the famous book, “they broke things and people, and then ran away and hid behind their money, their all-consuming carelessness... leaving others to clean up after them.”
I would also like to warn you against “saving” communication with him. Do you really think that he “cuts off your tail piece by piece” out of nobility and concern for you? Well, in that case, my dear, you don’t understand people well... And I say this without wanting to offend you at all. It’s just that not a single scoundrel wants to admit it to himself. And then, having committed obvious betrayal, treason, etc. he begins to play an even more disgusting game - a game of condescension and generosity.
Tip of the day: get out of this relationship. “It’s better to end once than end without end.” If you have health problems, take care of them. Because this is really important.
Now about age. Don’t listen to these moaning and groaning gossips who want to label everyone: “old” at thirty, “done” at forty, etc. This is all from the category of deep complexes of our society. These conversations are completely baseless and destructive. It’s better to think that you still have 20 years until retirement. During this time, you can do so many good, useful and significant things! And fill your life with joy and light!

Julia, age: 43 / 07/21/2013

Albino! This person betrayed you, he acted treacherously towards you. Yes, he is weak, weak-willed, following his egoism. We must accept this as a fact. An ordinary child of God, imperfect and not knowing how to live correctly, looking for some kind of illusory “happiness”. I ask you to have pity on yourself! Love yourself, make a promise to this. You have you: and now more than ever you need support and the most careful treatment. Allow yourself this. You'll see, then you'll get the taste, and you won't be able to do it any other way. You are a wonderful young self-sufficient woman. Oranges, pops and something else have soul mates, as Ranevskaya said. Realize yourself as a little girl who desperately needs help to be loved, even pampered. Don't listen to anyone, now you are the most important thing. The visits of a young man will only destroy. Stop this immediately!!! And if he insists on “his help” in this situation, threaten him with violence, which may not seem like much. Let him offer his services on the side, and generally do whatever he wants. He is not your helper, but the opposite. I know it's hard. All this has passed. My advice: pay attention to yourself. Love with all your heart. This is needed now as the most effective medicine.

Mila, age: 30 / 07/22/2013

Hello, Albina! I am the first to write a response on this site, although I have been “treating” for love addiction on this site for more than six months. Let us, Albina, immediately determine that self-pity and despondency are from the evil one, so LIFE was given to us by God for joy. Because everything that happened to us, to you and to me, was ALL God’s providence! And the meaning of what God gives us is not completely clear to us. And one more thing about what made me write this opus. Your phrase Albina, that women left with children do not know their happiness... In my opinion, you simply do not know what you are talking about. Try to re-read everything you have written and you will understand that the very fact that God did not give you a child conceived in sin, and even from an “unreliable” person, is a manifestation of God’s mercy, Albin. Just imagine how you would explain where dad went, why he doesn’t call for several days, why he’s so cold with mom and why... a lot more)) And moreover, your child, seeing all this, would consider everything that is happening as the NORMAL. I think this would be worse, think Albin, there is a grain of truth in my words. Believe me, you will have a husband and children, and age is not your obstacle. I have friends who gave birth even later and everything is fine with them. You just need to trust God, because everything is His will! And stop falling into despondency and self-pity so as not to waste your precious life on these empty experiences. That’s why you yourself, understanding everything, write that we are not so much assistants to you, but people who can listen and even advise something. Albina, get up from your knees in front of the idol you made and turn to God! You yourself will thank him later for taking you away from this man in time! And finally, regarding the fact that you have no one to care for, love and educate. Go volunteer, I don’t even see the point in adopting. Look around and see how many people you can give your love and care... How many people are even worse than you and they are just as lonely and defenseless... and here it’s not you, but you who can help them!!! And the fact of a small village and other conventions will no longer stop you, because those who want, are looking for an opportunity; those who don’t want, are looking for reasons, Albina. The only choice is yours.
I wish you strength of spirit and unshakable faith in the correctness of God's will! Good luck to you Albina in your endeavors!

Marina, age: 28 / 07/22/2013

Albina! The horror is not that he left. He didn’t promise you anything anyway. It's about what's going on in your head.
“What is there to live for now? Who needs me like this now?”
"I don't know how to live on." What kind of thoughts are these? Albina, are you nothing of yourself? Have you completely flowed into it? Some psychologist on the site said: “If you associate your happiness with another person, you will not get it.” So you are convinced of this. In general, it is a rare family that does not go through the betrayal of a spouse. So he left and a void was formed. Many women are left alone with their children and also suffer at first. Because children also cannot fill this void completely. And then, over time, they will create their own families. Only God can fill the void. Go, Albinochka, to church, confess, take communion. Gradually everything will work out. God knows best what kind of husband you need.

Yuliya, age: 48 / 07/22/2013

Albina, forgive me, but you are suffering from idleness!! An adult woman is already tormented by something that didn’t happen but wasn’t promised... You have such “grief” that it seems like you’ve lost your whole family! Why are you killing yourself like this?? You dream about children, but you’ve already earned yourself a bunch of illnesses. It is unlikely that if you had children from this man, you would experience this situation less painfully. Are you crazy???? Wake up, what kind of disrespect is this?? There was nothing... there was nothing to grieve about!!!

Victoria, age: 38 / 07/22/2013

I cried so much, I asked him to come back, to start all over again. I thought I wouldn’t survive, I lost weight to the point of a skeleton. And he was also very noble, he called every week and asked how I was feeling. I gained strength and broke everything up and got divorced. And as soon as I put an end to it, I felt better, I took care of myself, started going to the gym, going on vacation. And he suddenly showed up, but he didn’t come to me, but to my friend, and began to tell her that he loved me and couldn’t live without me. After that I realized how selfish he really is!!! And I became so ashamed of myself, for wasting time on self-destruction. I understand that I am so smart, beautiful, all the best is ahead of me, even without him (and this is for the better). So don’t waste your time on him, then you will also be ashamed! The faster you get up from your knees, the faster you will learn to live without him. And I am sure that everything is just beginning for you!!! Don’t doubt yourself, say nice words to yourself every day and you will soon begin to believe it yourself!

Ekaterina, age: 25 / 07/25/2013

It's not all that scary!!!
Pray to God to give you comfort. And believe He will help.
You become fixated on the person and push yourself aside. You are the same person as everyone else, and therefore you need to evaluate yourself. Turn your attention to yourself.
The first thing I would advise you to do (along with prayers and communication with God) is to force yourself not to think about him and to walk a lot.
Imagine that you are sick and this is the medicine that you must take. Go for it. I believe in you and love you. You are not alone. I will pray for you every day for a month. During this time, try to come to your senses and write on the website how things are going for you. I'll be interested.
P.S. And dye your hair!!! You're a woman)

gopaska, age: 30 / 07/26/2013

Hello!
Thank you all again. They asked me to write how you were doing. I don’t know... It seems like I walked more or less normally for several days. “For tomorrow” I put off all my sorrows. I take care of myself, of course. And here is a simple SMS from him “how are you?” After that everything is new.
Questions “why am I like this”, “why did life turn out this way”, and such a strong fear of loneliness, how to cope with it.
Please write if anyone can scold me or something, I really need support. She turned out to be weak and a failure. It all dragged on so long as if it would never end.

Albina, age: 35 / 08/03/2013

Albina! From the letter you can feel that you are a good and kind person, so you see the people you treat well as the same. Believe me, they have already written to you about this, that this young man is simply using you for some of his own interests. Change your phone number and forbid him to come, otherwise it won’t make you feel any better. He will come and demand to be let in, send him away, tell him that you don’t want to see him. My BM also demanded to be friends with him, he wanted to be aware of my life. At first, out of inertia, I maintained communication with him, but it only got worse. Then I finally gained strength and drove him away, he was angry, tried to put pressure on the psyche: if I were a good person, I would forgive and communicate with him, but since I drive him away, then I am angry and bad. As long as you accept him, he feels good and noble. And if you stop communicating with him, it turns out that he is not that decent. He simply feeds off your energy, he needs your worries about him. His concern is not sincere; if he wished you well, he would have left you alone. To begin to calm down, you need to put a firm end to this relationship. And stop blaming yourself, your condition is adequate to the situation. At first I also thought that if I had a child it would be easier for me. Now I understand that it is better not to have children from such men. They will trail behind us like unnecessary ballast, just to prevent us from living an independent life without them. Emptiness and fear will pass, any human condition changes over time. Believe me, it will never be as difficult as it is now. These relationships have become a habit; it will take a long time to get out of the habit. Over time, your attitude towards this person and the situation in general will change, you will perceive it less and less emotionally. You'll see, in a year you will feel much calmer! Everything will work out, there will be other people in your life worthy of your love.

Vekcha, age: 35 / 08/05/2013

Albino, hello!
Hold on!!! No one knows how fate will turn out...
Live freely and don't be afraid of change...
When the Lord takes something away, don’t miss what he gives in return!
Relief will come, ask our Lord for help, he always helps his children, go to church, talk to the priest, confess and take communion and you will feel relief (even if not the first time, but it will be)
God bless you!

Lyudmila, age: 52 / 08/06/2013

Albina! Don't lose heart! My situation is almost the same, only I’m 37, and he was “my last hope”... The hope of realizing myself as a wife and MOTHER. He left - I still love, I don’t understand... And I know your biggest fear (it’s the same as mine) - loneliness for the rest of my days... My peers are sending their children to college, and I haven’t even given birth yet ... It’s scary, I’m more worthy of them... Are your thoughts the same? So, for myself, I decided: there are two ways out - to go into emptiness (suffering, self-torture, alcohol) or “come to your senses”, a bicycle, beauty salons, the joy of communicating with loved ones... We can give them so much joy! !! And the main rule: If God does this, then it’s for the best! Always!

So... If I don’t meet someone on my way who can become a husband and father... I will try my best to make this world a better place! (and I will still hope that I will have time to become a beloved wife and mother) Move! Live! Give joy!

168 miracles, age: 37 / 08/20/2013

Albino girl, how are you? I sincerely believe that you will survive everything. You are not alone. I worry about you and, as promised, I pray.

gopaska, age: 30 / 08/24/2013