How not to be a convenient girl. "Comfortable" woman: why it's bad - expert opinion. How to understand how men see you - "comfortable" or "happy wife"

Love must be earned! Many girls think this way. As children, as a rule, they were only praised when they got an A or helped their parents around the house. Hence, in adulthood, there is a desire to be an ideal hostess, an excellent wife, in order to receive a portion of tender words and approval from her husband. The girl does everything to make her loved ones feel good, while forgetting about herself: she refuses her hobbies, does not spend money on new clothes and manicures, she simply forgets to rest!

At the same time, the pursuit of 100% cleanliness in the house or the best pies in the world will not lead to good. If you do something to the detriment of yourself, for example, sleep 3 hours a day in order to have time to cook food after work, do homework with the children, and wash things for your husband, then such constant stress can lead to serious health problems. . For example, you can get a nervous breakdown or some kind of psychosomatic illness (gastric ulcer, diabetes, asthma).

If a man does not love you, then he will always find something to complain about. And if he really has feelings for you, he will not pay attention to the fact that you did not clean up on time or did not have time to cook dinner. You are human too. Moreover, in the modern world, everyday problems can always be solved very easily. There is no food - you can order it, you can go to a cafe.

But if you really enjoy doing at home, then of course you can continue to do so. A normal wife can do as much as a “comfortable” one. It will just be appreciated! And not only the husband, but also all members of the household.

To test if you are a "convenient" wife, ask yourself three simple questions:

Do you remember the last time your husband gave you money "for himself"? Does your spouse ask you at least a few times a week how you are doing? Does she help out at least once a week with your feminine duties (for example, washing the dishes or picking up the child from daycare)?

If you answered “no” to all questions, then you have already spoiled your husband too much, he takes everything for granted. It's time for shock therapy.

For example, a husband earns little or leaves a lot for himself, and gives you only pennies for the household. You, as a “comfortable” wife, do not say anything in response and try to meet the budget. If necessary, you can also cook porridge from an ax.

In order for your husband to understand that products do not appear in the house by magic, try sending him to the store yourself. And let him try to meet the amount that he usually gives you. At the same time, he will see what other husbands buy for their family, and what he will bring.

In addition, you can try to leave him alone for a day. On the morning of the day off, tell him that you need to run on urgent business. For example, you need to help out a friend or help your grandmother. And leave him alone with the children and the household. Just one day - and he will learn how to cook porridge for a child, where the washing machine is turned on, where the things of a son or daughter are ... And do not be afraid for the life of your kids! If a man is not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but a mentally healthy person, then he will completely cope with the offspring. And after such a day, it will begin to better understand you, how much effort you spend on raising and caring for children, ensuring comfort and order in the house.

Also, learn to say no. If you are tired or not feeling well, if you just do not want to do something, say so. Ask loved ones for help. There is nothing humiliating about this! On the contrary, they will be pleased that they, too, can take care of you. Because sometimes we ourselves do not give them that chance. So you will cease to be “comfortable”, and begin to be a beloved and happy wife!

Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon. I am 29 years old, but so far I have not developed a personal life. There were men, but it all ended with the fact that they left me. I'll start from the very beginning. I met a guy at the age of 19. He was my first, and as I thought will remain the only man. Feelings overwhelmed me. Emotions were in full swing. And passion and jealousy and love. I have never experienced such strong feelings. Of course there were quarrels due to different situations. We argued violently, but also violently reconciled. Several times they tried to leave, but after a while they returned to each other. We met for about five years. The young man also loved me, as it seemed to me. They could not legitimize the relationship. Both studied, then looked for a suitable job. Together we made plans for the future. Dreamed of starting a family. Our views on family life coincided (we often discussed how we would live together). And finally, the long-awaited day has come. He proposed to me. We signed and began to live together. Everything was perfect. But only a month. A month later, my husband said that he should not have married, saying that I persuaded him. He is still very young and has everything ahead of him. Said his friends thought so. It remained only in conversations and we continued to live together (before that, each lived separately). But my husband has changed before my eyes. He stopped giving me flowers (he used to do it every week), began to disappear after work and come drunk (he could sometimes drink before, but not so often and not in such quantity). He tried not to talk to me once again, only on business. Yes, and intimate life came to naught. I thought we satisfied each other. But I began to forbid everything: communicate with friends, dress beautifully, go to the pool. I had to sit in a cleaned house and wait for him with dinner. She tried to solve everything and ask what did not suit him, but every time everything ended in a scandal. As if it was not the same person whom I loved. I endured this for a year, in the hope that he would come to his senses. She then broke down and filed for divorce. It was very difficult for me to come to my senses. Then she met a man. He looked after me beautifully and I thawed out. She moved to live with him in another city. As soon as I arrived, he immediately became rude to me. But she could not return (she quit her good job at home). I had to wait for the right one. But I lived with him for only 3 months. He left me alone in a rented apartment. As soon as he was offered a promotion in another city. The next day I packed my bags and left. Not even worrying that I'm alone in a strange city. Then I met another man. It was very different from the previous ones. He always backed up his words with actions. And I decided that maybe this time everything will work out. But after I got pregnant, he left me. Am I attracting the wrong men into my life? I hear from them that I am affectionate, kind, gentle and they feel good with me. And this is the phrase I heard from each of them. As soon as I get uncomfortable, they leave me. What am I doing wrong? How to change yourself and your life in order to meet a sincere and honest man?

The psychologist Glazunova Olga Nikolaevna answers the question.

Irina, hello!

I really want to support you in your desire to meet your man and find female happiness!

What you described was your experience, if not the most pleasant, but experience! In my answer, I will comment on important points, in my opinion, and perhaps you will think about it, and some thoughts and realizations will come.

You had three men, and each time they left, and therefore you each time felt abandoned, betrayed and alone. Let's try to start with the first young person you met at 19.

You mention strong emotions, passion, violent quarrels and reconciliations. It looks like a story from a novel, when feelings overwhelm you, and this already becomes the basis of a relationship. After reading your story about a young man, I got the impression that these relationships were just built on emotions, on mutual nourishment of each other, interest and passion. You mention that you had the same views on family life, that you often discussed how you would live together, but at the same time you never tried, but only theoretically assumed how it would be. The romantic way of living together collapsed after a month. In fact, it turned out that it is not so simple, that there are also responsibilities, and somehow you need to get out of conflicts, there is nowhere to go ... Your young man could not stand this situation, apparently, there were a lot of illusions about living together.

The question arises - during the time that you met with him, how did you get out of conflicts together? How were disagreements resolved? How did you feel about these relationships? If you have seen that it is impossible to agree, that you have constant stressful situations in relationships, that you have no experience of living together, then why immediately go to the registry office? You were afraid of something, something is missing in this story... Namely, your view of the situation. There were signals earlier that it would not be easy, and it is not yet clear what is happening, why all these emotional throwing and eternal swings are good and bad. Why can't you be calm and good without any emotional outbursts? What am I missing myself? Why do I like it? But for some reason you ignored these reflections. Think about it.

You write that you tried to resolve disagreements, ask what you don’t like, but everything ended in a scandal. Here it is important for yourself to understand how you sort things out, so that for your part you do not slip into accusations and becoming personal. This will help in the future to maintain a climate in the family, but at the same time express your opinion, and respectfully to yourself and your partner. Think about what you can improve here. Read Nikolai Kozlov's book "How to Treat Yourself and People". It can be downloaded from the Internet for free. At the end of the book there is a questionnaire "Family Agreement", which will help clarify many points before starting family life and how to sort things out correctly, is also in this book.

If the first relationship still does not let go, then you need to rethink them, understand what you can take from there from the best and how not to make the same mistakes in the future. One gets the feeling that you did not draw the necessary conclusions, since the situation was repeated further.

If we take the second man, then the second sentence about him sounds like - “he courted beautifully and I thawed out.” You pay attention to how a person cares, fall in love with the image of a romantic hero who, with words, is ready to move mountains for you, throw the moon at your feet, etc. You immediately believed him and moved to another city, leaving a good job, and did not take care of your comfort and safety. It turns out that you just go headlong into a relationship, losing your individuality and completely giving yourself into the hands of another person without a trace and without realizing that you also need to take care of yourself. Have you asked yourself questions: How will you live together? Where will you work? If it doesn't work, what will you do? It seems to me that no. You can also take note of this.

And about the last man. You write that he confirmed his words with actions. It is not very clear what you mean and how you understand it. Unfortunately, there are no examples to analyze whether this is indeed the case. What responsibility did he initially take in the relationship, how did he show his attitude towards you, what actions did he perform, how did you resolve conflict situations? Nothing about this, unfortunately.

Was the desire to have a joint child mutual? Or is it an unplanned pregnancy? There is no information about this either.

You also write that all your men spoke of you as affectionate, kind, gentle, and that they feel good with you. OK good! Did you show other sides of your character? Do you disagree with something? How do you defend your interests and generally get out of the conflict? Can you afford to be uncomfortable in a relationship right from the start?

Based on your story, I got the impression that you behave well and maintain the image of a good and comfortable girl almost always, smoothing out sharp corners, and completely give your life into the hands of another person, forgetting about yourself, your desires, dreams, and not think about the consequences. More precisely, you prefer not to think about it, completely entrusting yourself to your partner. This is similar to the image of the heroine Tatyana in the novel "Onegin" - "From now on, I entrust my fate to you." Maybe it's time to change something and come to your real self, not being afraid to lose relationships and be clearly aware of what is happening between you? Think about it.

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I thought for a long time how to name the article, and in the end I called it “About too comfortable girls!”.

I must say right away that the article is not about laziness, not about bitchiness, not about the fact that you need to love men less. It's not about that at all.

An article about self-love is a multifaceted phenomenon, as you know. Self-love is not only buying yourself cosmetics.

Very often I hear the same story from girls: “I do everything for him! And I cook for him, and I buy groceries, and I clean up, and I borrow money from him (I haven’t given it back yet), and I use my connections to solve his problems. Even helped his brother. But he doesn't appreciate it. I try to be a good housewife, a loving wife/girlfriend, I try to be attentive to him, spend more time with him, but he does not see it. When he asks for help, I always help him. When he urgently needed money to solve serious problems, I gave them the same. I don't understand why. I even think that things are only getting worse. He became colder and more silent. I can't figure out what he's thinking. Tell me, Svetlana, what am I doing wrong? Maybe I'm not helping him enough?

Something like this is the question of a convenient girl. You can describe your situation in the comments.

The essence is simple - you give a lot and receive little. Not receiving, you think that you are giving little and start doing even more for him.

Being a comfortable girl is very bad - next to such a girl, even a very responsible and strong man begins to relax and stops straining for her and the children. A handy girl spoils all the men who come into contact with her. Perhaps someone will be outraged by my categoricalness, but as a practicing coach I know what I'm talking about. Do not think that I divide the world into black and white. No, it's just that no matter how much I work, I find confirmation of my thoughts and my concept more and more. I myself live like this. And I am very glad that I came to this. Many people at first take my words very negatively. But then, oddly enough, they say that it really is. Surprisingly, but most of all it is men who say: “Yes, this knowledge is 100% correct. What you are talking about is very important and necessary. I will send my wife/fiancee/sister/mother to you. She needs it!"

Once upon a time, I was very comfortable. I now recognize myself in the past in many clients (perhaps this is why coaching is so effective). Surprisingly, it is my categorical attitude in relationships that makes me happy. I know what I want - what kind of man is next to me, what attitude towards myself, and I do not settle for less. And again - I'm incredibly glad that I came to this. Otherwise, now I would be really bad, and I would definitely be lonely. Or worse...

There are a few important rules to remember. These rules will keep you from messing up your life:

Don't solve a man's problems. If it's not a matter of life and death (even then I would be in no hurry to help), then give him the opportunity to decide everything for himself. Yes, indeed, he may not be able to cope, but you should not solve his problems. This is how you spoil the man! This is the worst thing a girl can do - to make a man weaker. Don't save him. 80% of the problems people create for themselves - so let him solve the problems that he created. Don't lay your hands on it, don't run to save him, and don't be a hero. Often, women are very fond of being rescuers - this gives a feeling of control of a man, his life, gives a feeling of strength.
Always ask yourself about your desires. What exactly do you want? Basically, we are very attentive to the desires of a man and do not listen to ourselves at all. Convenient girls put their “I want” at the very end - first, children, a man, parents. Listen to yourself and be sure to keep a diary of desires and write down all your goals. Why are the wishes of others more important to you than your own? You don't have to be everyone's savior when you still haven't figured out your life. A person who does not love himself cannot "qualitatively" love another. When you start to truly love yourself, your inner vessel of love begins to overflow and you have no choice but to start sharing this love and this warmth with others. How do you know how much you love yourself? Quite simply, the happier your day is, the more you love yourself. Write in the comments what you think about this. And also watch this video:

Let a man earn your love. To put it differently - you must have some value for a man, you must be worth something to him. Do you appreciate something free? Maybe, of course, you appreciate it, but agree not like a thing that was very expensive. The same is true for men - the more you value yourself, the more a man appreciates you. Teach all the men around to try for you (how exactly to do this - I give only in personal consultations). A man always checks our boundaries - what can be done with us and what is not. If a man behaves unworthily, then you can not leave it unattended. It often happens that the relationship is just beginning and the woman seems to be afraid of not being liked and becomes so convenient, comfortable, sweet, sweet, trouble-free, and so on. But that's not possible. If a man did something bad (for example, he didn’t call for a week), you can’t turn a blind eye to it. If you have not fulfilled your promises, you cannot be silent. Otherwise, there will be a lot to say, and little to do in fact. And there are still a lot of important rules in responding to this situation, but I give it only in personal consultations and trainings. This is very valuable knowledge about how to correctly communicate your feelings, how to respond correctly and not harm relationships, and even vice versa, take them to a new level.

Always, for yourself, you need to choose the best, including relationships. Don't settle for something you and your family don't understand. Only the best attitude towards yourself. Don't you deserve it?

Be sure to ask questions and write comments. Don't forget to share on social networks.

If you look at your surroundings, you will surely find a person who would be given the definition of "good". This person is non-confrontational, sympathetic, always polite and friendly. And you often want to be the same. Why and what is the price of such behavior?

CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF "GOOD" BEHAVIOR

1. You will sacrifice your own interests for the sake of others.

Politeness and the desire to avoid conflict can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our own interests for the sake of others. This is due to the fear of being rejected (by friends at school, colleagues). It is important for us to feel that everything is in order with us and that we are loved, because this is what gives a sense of security.

The desire to please everyone around us makes us keep our brand always and everywhere, be good in a taxi, shop, subway. We automatically want to do something to please the driver, and now we are already giving tips more than we should. And we do it completely unexpectedly for ourselves. Or we start entertaining the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in a chair. Or we don’t make a remark to the manicurist who unevenly applied varnish - this is our favorite salon, why spoil a good impression of yourself?

We hurt ourselves by doing something we don't like, or by staying silent when our interests are violated.

As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to work on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It is more important for us what they think and say about us, and we do everything to ensure that we are appreciated and approved.

Even our own well-being is no longer of interest to us: we harm ourselves by doing something that we do not like, or we are silent when our interests are violated. We give up ourselves for the sake of others.

Sometimes this is precisely the reason for a sharp change in mood, when a conflict-free and polite person in a family becomes a real monster. Being good with strangers is quite easy, but at home we take off the mask and take it out on loved ones - we shout, swear, punish children. After all, the family already loves us and “will not go anywhere”, you can not stand on ceremony, relax and finally become yourself.

Everyone needs to unlearn such behavior - a big boss or a small clerk, a child or a parent. Because it is a question of the balance of our life, of what we ourselves give and receive. And if we don’t respond in kind to those close to us who give us so much, our life can give a roll: the family will fall apart, friends will turn away.

2. You will become addicted to someone else's approval.

This pattern of behavior forms a painful dependence on someone else's approval. From morning to night, we need to hear compliments, recognition of talent or beauty. Only in this way we feel confident, inspired, we can do something. It works like an energy dope. We begin to need it to bridge the inner void.

The external becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background.

Such a scheme leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to us. A striking example is a person who reacts painfully to any remark, even to constructive criticism. In his model, any feedback is perceived only on two indicators: "I am good" or "I am bad." As a result, we stop distinguishing where is black and where is white, where is truth and where is flattery. It is becoming more and more difficult for people to communicate with us - because in everyone who does not admire us, we see an "enemy", and if someone criticizes us, there is only one reason - he is simply jealous.

3. You will waste your energy

Your friends quarreled, and you want to stay on good terms with both? That doesn't happen. In the words of the poet, "it is impossible to be with those, and with those, without betraying those and those." If you strive to be good both there and there, or always take a neutral position, sooner or later this will lead to a feeling of devastation. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.

There is another problem: you try so hard to be useful to others, you do so much for them, that at a certain moment you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. There is an internal anxiety, resentment, you start blaming everyone. This addiction works just like any other addiction: it leads to destruction. The person loses himself.

The feeling of wasted efforts, time, energy does not leave you. After all, you have spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetic and personal. You feel loneliness, irritation, it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point you really cease to understand.

You don't have to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers, or classmates.

Of course, everyone wants to be surrounded by “good people”. But a truly good person is not the one who always follows the lead of others and agrees with other people's opinions in everything. This is someone who knows how to be honest and frank, who is able to be themselves, who is ready to give, but at the same time defend their interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining their dignity.

Such a person is not afraid to show his dark side and easily accepts the shortcomings of others. He knows how to adequately perceive people, life, and does not require anything in return for his attention or help. This self-confidence gives him a sense of success at work and in personal relationships.

Learn to value yourself for who you are. Very often it is very difficult for women to realize their own value. They are accustomed to downplay their dignity, do not take into account daily exploits, and take many things that they do for granted.

If this is about you, then look for support outside, learn to listen to praise and compliments, do not dismiss them. Communicate more with your husband, wife, children, parents, with everyone who truly appreciates you and constantly talks about it.

In addition, you can start a diary, let it record all your achievements for the day. The main thing is not to miss a single day, notice everything that you did well, what you are happy with, what you can be proud of.

Put yourself first in your own life

Learn to see your needs and not neglect them. Women's self-confidence is usually inferior to men's, in boys it is cultivated from childhood, but in girls, on the contrary, it is diligently leveled. Gradually return to yourself, learn to accept and love yourself, listen, fulfill your desires and dreams.

Change your priorities. You no longer want to please everyone, but want to please yourself. And look in life for those paths that will lead you to your goal.

Develop Self-Respect

It should be your starting point in any relationship.

Learn to say "No"

This is perhaps the most important and effective way to stop being comfortable for everyone, but start living in comfort with yourself. At first, it is very difficult to refuse, try at least to start. Imagine you are saying "no". What will you see in response? What scares you about this reaction?

Think about how they will persuade you, promise yourself that this time you will not give up, and defend your point of view. Try to always take time out before agreeing to any request. If she does not suit you for any reason, refuse, no matter what. Be firm in your decision, value your time and your desires.

Learn to Delegate

Stop being nervous for any reason and allow yourself to rest when everyone around is working - that's your goal. By learning how to distribute tasks, both at work and in life, you will free yourself up most of the time that you can spend on yourself.

AND FURTHER

First of all, you need to recognize the problem. People are not always aware of what they are doing. Being good to everyone is in most cases a very flawed strategy that can lead to abuse by those around you. Do you need it?
Recall and write down a few recent cases when you expected the approval of others and acted in such a way as to be good for them, but in reality you wanted to act differently, but stepped on the throat of your own song. Analyze these cases and draw the appropriate conclusions.
Think if you had expressed your position and defended it, how terrible the consequences would have been. It is possible that others did not act as they want, but will accept your position. But if suddenly, after you start to stand your ground, you will be perceived with hostility, then perhaps you should not communicate at all with people who do not consider your interests?
Familiarize yourself with what manipulation is and learn to recognize manipulation. It is quite possible that you succumbed to such a game and became someone's puppet due to lack of awareness.
Often in the current situation, when you are trying to be good, and several people are already successfully riding on your neck, it is usually not the environment or someone else that is to blame. In this case, you allowed others to take advantage of you. Perhaps it is worth reconsidering some habitual patterns of behavior? A strong character and the ability to defend your interests can appeal to other people much more than when you behave like a spineless creature. Helping other people as much as possible is definitely a good thing. But this is good only when you know the measure.
When you do what you want, and not what you are forced to do, then you will do it with more motivation and interest. That is why entrepreneurs are more satisfied with life than employees. Get rid of the desire to please everyone around you. It's simply impossible. Do something for others within reasonable limits and when you really want it.
Many don't know how to say no. It can be inconvenient to refuse other people or you don’t want to offend a colleague or loved one. Psychologists advise to overcome your habit and still from time to time start to refuse people. And don't look for any excuses. You have every right to refuse another person.
State your interests clearly and unambiguously. Other people should hear your opinion on this or that issue, and in their eyes you should be a person with your own opinion. However, it is not enough to have your own opinion. You need to learn how to express it to people around you. Because they can't read minds.
Try to do something for yourself instead of the usual service to other people. Selfishness is not always bad and from time to time it is useful to do something personally for yourself and your interests. Listen to your feelings. What would you like to do this weekend?
In everything, balance is important. If you suddenly start to refuse everything to your own boss, then you will soon be asked to leave your job. Being spineless is just as bad as being overly aggressive and self-centered. It is important to find a balance when you consider the interests of other people in reasonable amounts and when they also consider your opinion. You must be confident in yourself and be adequate to the situation. Don't go out of your way to please others, but don't be nihilist or antisocial either.