Love triangle. He is single, she is married. I am married, and he is married, we are lovers! I'm afraid to fall in love with him, like a magnet pulls me to him. we only have sex, but I feel like I want to be with him. what to do
Mankind has long and unsuccessfully struggled with treason in relations between two people. It's all about the generally accepted morality of the society where we live. Society values monogamy, and loyalty to one partner throughout life or long-term relationships between people is considered worthy of emulation. But for some reason, people now and then have novels on the side, and this happens not only when the young and inexperienced suddenly find themselves. A married man and a married woman can also be in a love relationship. In some cases, such relationships arise quite unexpectedly, while in others they fall like snow on their heads. And then a married man and a married woman, realizing that an affair has arisen between them, do not really understand what to do with all this.
In the layman's mind, most married men (especially if they are successful, don't need money, and still have very little to themselves) have, or at least should have, a mistress. The mistress should be young, free. For a man, this is such an expensive toy, like a luxury car. Only alive. Only for some reason no one seriously considers the option when a married man fell in love with a married woman.
A man makes gifts to his luxurious young mistress: he pays for housing or buys an apartment, a car, clothes, jewelry. The mistress in return gives him warmth and affection. He relaxes in her company, resting from his disgusted wife.
A similar image of the lover-lover relationship is replicated in tabloid literature and in the media. You will always see such a model of relationships in soap operas or trash serials about businessmen, policemen, women of difficult fate on our TV channels.
How the relationship between a married man and a married woman develops in life
But life is a more complex substance, and it is much richer in it. Including in relationships between lovers. Very often, a man does not need an expensive live toy at all. A man needs a woman next to whom you can really relax and unwind, get support from such a woman in those endeavors that the man’s family is skeptical about. In the end, a married man simply feels like a person, and not a breadwinner or the head of a social cell. At first, a friendship between a married man and a married woman may arise, and then these relationships will begin to develop incrementally.
In this case, the man will look not so much towards young girls, but towards almost the same age or women who already have some life experience. As a rule, most of these women are already married. And it is unlikely that such women are ready to divorce in order for a new man to enter their lives. There remains only an option that is officially condemned by our society, but in fact it occurs all the time: first sex, and then love between a married man and a married woman.
Why the relationship between a married woman and a married man can be comfortable
Why is a married man comfortable in a relationship with a married woman
Almost any woman who has agreed to the role of a mistress subconsciously tries on her current lover for the role of her future husband.
With a married woman, a married man is a little easier: she has such a desire too deeply disguised. Usually, from the outside, she has a completely ordinary life: a husband, children, work, friends and ... a lover. A married woman will think ten times before making any attempt to change one man for another.
A married woman will also think three times that her lover is also married, and therefore the changes will obviously affect the lives of more than two people who suddenly decided that they would now live together. That is why a married man is comfortable in a love relationship with a married woman.
First of all, from the point of view of security for one's own family, and because the current situation - a lover and a mistress, each of whom has their own families - can exist for a long time in time.
Additional outputs of the relationship of a married man with a married woman
For a married man in a relationship with a married woman, there are other positive aspects.
- sex life
The sympathy of a married man for a married woman arises from sexual interest. A married man and a married woman can have a new sexual experience in their relationship, unlike "family sex". At the same time, each of the lovers from the couple "married man and married woman" has a certain insurance in terms of getting STDs. No matter how hot the relationship between lovers is, each of them has a family behind their backs, and therefore venereal diseases are clearly not what they want to bring home.
The beauty of romance between a married man and a married woman - Connection of a married woman with reality
A lover can give gifts to his mistress. But in the case of a married man and a married woman, such gifts will clearly not be cars, diamond necklaces or other expensive items. For a married woman, her lawful husband may well require an explanation if such gifts suddenly arise. And after such explanations, it’s not far to the revelations, and then - a divorce, courts, lawyers, alimony, and so on. It is unlikely that any of the lovers, burdened with families, wants such an ending for their relationship.
A married man can save a little on gifts for his married mistress.
- Confidentiality
As folk wisdom says, everything secret sooner or later becomes clear. With a young mistress, the secrets of a married man can cease to be secrets much sooner than with a married woman.
A married woman has no less reason than a married man to keep relations with him secret from her family and, above all, from her husband.
In this sense, a married man and a married woman play on the same team.
How can a married woman have a married lover
It is generally accepted that men are hunters and adventurers. In a world where adventure is a problem, and all hunting becomes a hunt for position and career, it is relationships with women that can give men a sense of their own importance.
How a married woman can have an affair with a married man With women, things are much more complicated. Among them, of course, there are also adventurers and those who collect various men, but in most cases, for a married woman, an affair with a married man is a very bold step, which can be taken by really serious reasons.
One of these serious reasons is a strained relationship with her own husband. This may be due to the fact that people have been married for a long time, and the husband has lost interest in his own wife. Hence - rare (or none at all) signs of attention and the same rare sex. Sooner or later, such a woman is pushed to meet other men by sexual dissatisfaction and self-esteem falling below the plinth.
A woman’s relationship with her husband may also not work out because people who have married are at different levels of the social ladder or there has been a huge gap in their intellectual development.
This happens when a woman marries too early, having no life experience at all, but with his appearance, she begins to look at many things, including relationships with her own husband, with a great deal of objectivity.
In order for another man to appear in the life of a married woman who can be married, it is enough for such a reason as the betrayal of her own husband, which she found out about. In this case, at the initial stage of relations with a married man, a married woman can only be guided by revenge. Another thing is that a fleeting romance between a married woman and a married man can develop into a relationship in which love is born and which each of the couple begins to value no less than having their own family. Here, each of the couple - a married man and a married woman - can fall into a real psychological trap.
The risks of an affair between a married lover and a married mistress
There are perhaps two of the biggest risks in such a relationship. The first was mentioned a little higher: a married man and a married woman fall into a psychological trap from which there is practically no way out. A painful search begins for the answer to the question of what is more expensive: family, husband (wife), children, established ties and everything that is called “life” or relationships on the side.
It seems to a person that it is with this woman (man) that a completely different life is possible, which is written about in novels, trying to answer the question of what true love is. Sometimes this really happens, people give up what they have for the sake of new relationships in which they hope to find what they do not have. True, even according to statistics, the percentage of such new marriages, born from the relationship of a married woman and a married man, is negligible. But how do romances between unfree lovers end in most cases?
How do the novels of not free people end? Prospects for romance between not free people
A romance between a married man and a married woman can last forever, but the statistics again show that this is not the case. On average, a relationship where the lover is married and the mistress is married lasts about three years. People can experience bouts of love and passion, and then cooling follows.
After about three years, in most cases, a married man and a married woman end their relationship. People understand that they value their own families more, they begin to think about relationships with their legitimate partners, they try to somehow improve them and take them to a new level. Very often, the experience gained in the novel on the side helps them in this, where each of the partners is also not free.
If you already have an affair with a married man, when you are married, try to enjoy such a relationship while they bring joy, but never think that you can become the wife of this person, try not to try on this role for yourself, so that later you will not feel bitter disappointment. If possible, try to avoid romance with married men (especially if you are married yourself), because there are no global prospects in such relationships. You can participate in such relationships exactly until the moment you feel love for this married man.
I love my husband, but I can’t stop thinking about something else… (photo by favim.ru)
A few days ago a friend of mine came to me for advice. She has been married for 5 years and has a child. And then a typical “I’m married, he’s married” situation happened. I have never been a supporter of deceit, love triangles, squares, but at the same time I tried not to condemn categorically. You never know what will happen to you tomorrow:
“I don’t understand how it happened. I married for love, and now I love my husband. If he were in my place, and I found out that he was dating someone, I would be terribly jealous, crying, trying to keep him. And at the same time, I can’t get the other one out of my head… We met at work, he is a client of the firm. At first they just talked about working issues, then they switched to a more informal form of communication, but all about the same working issues. Then, instead of a business “hello,” he began to say “hello” to me. When arranging meetings for work, he ambiguously joked with sexual overtones. We sit in his car, we discussed matters, but we don’t say goodbye. He looks at me, and I timidly lower my eyes, turn away like a little girl. But I smile, I am pleased with his attention. As a result, I myself am the first to say goodbye, open the door and go out. It's been 2 days now and I can't get it out of my head. I found a page on social networks, looked at a photo of his wife. The wife is beautiful. And there is a son, a little older than my daughter. In general, I am married, he is married, both have children, and I don’t know what to do. I catch myself thinking that I like him, and I don’t know how to get him out of my head. I'm afraid to do something I'll regret later. I don’t want to lose my husband, I don’t want to deceive either - he won’t forgive. But I can’t stop talking to another, he is an important client who came on the recommendation. Saying goodbye or ruining my relationship with him could cost me my career. What to do?"
Maybe it's just life. A wife and husband, whose every day is spent in turmoil and is busy only solving household and work issues, stop noticing each other, saying “I love you” to each other, kissing each other furtively, hugging each other. Romance disappears somewhere, ceases to act. And a woman deprived of compliments loses confidence in her attractiveness. Every woman wants to know that she is attractive, beautiful, loved. An innocent flirtation with another man gives her that confidence again, and she wants to experience this feeling again and again. How to be in the situation "I'm married, he's married"? Remember how you fell in love with your husband, for which you fell in love with him. Remember your first date, first kiss, sex. Remember how you waited for the next meeting with your husband even before they began to live together. Switch your romantic mood to your husband, invite him on a date, send the children to mom and get passionate, again do the things that you did together before the baby was born. Well, if it doesn’t help at all, think about how you would feel if your husband began to meet stealthily with another woman? If jealousy has crept into your brain, then there are still feelings. Try to save your marriage. Well, if indifference is unshakable, then, indeed, something is worth changing in life. Just not because someone is attracting you now - you cannot know whether your unfree beloved will leave his wife and how your relationship will end in the end: a new marriage or a painful separation and disappointment. If nothing connects you with your husband and thoughts about
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon. I have been married for many years and I don’t want to change anything, of course, everything is in order in principle. My lover is married and will not get divorced either, there are children, everything that keeps him. We met by chance and became friends through email. I was looking for a woman for meetings, but not just .. but I wanted a relationship. Chatting, talking. As a result, he reports: I don’t want to look for anyone, I won’t find it. You are my man. Bright, smart, you know me, it allows you to be yourself .. You hardly need me, but you don’t have the strength to fight yourself .. The point is, after a couple of months they began to meet secretly when it was convenient for both of us. Everything was going great. We really liked each other, talked a lot on the phone, talked about everything. He once said - You should have met before .. And not your wife ... Who would have thought that I would get into such a mess ... How could this happen to me (They didn’t have sex, of course, there were children, but the relationship is not the same and does not suit him in any way, but he got married and there is no way back, he got tired of begging for duties and decided to go for a walk ... relationship .. Not that .. There is no reciprocity, he wants reciprocity) The case brought us together .. The same case .. Random acquaintances on the Internet lead to what)) He is a decent person, attentive, caring, honest .. soft, perhaps too .. but has a small but his business .. The bottom line is that suddenly they began to communicate less and drier ... I noticed (I even joked .. as if they had been married for 10 years .. like at home ..) he was delighted with this by the way, they say, a wise woman, noticed and talked ... Of course we admire each other .. We say sincere compliments .. We decided to somehow reach a consensus through communication and meetings mustache). He added that he was simply not rushing things and wanted to check himself first before moving on ... I said that I understood him. But questions immediately swarmed in my head ... Yes .. relationships should always develop, we have not only sex, but also communication, support ... But !!! Where to next? Where to move?? Where to develop? There is no road and cannot be .. We have achieved what we expected, we are great together, we get along great, but this is a ceiling or a dead end .. it does not matter. Nowhere to go I think more. Where does he think to develop relations to what ... Leave it as it is .. Neither he nor I intend to get divorced, God forbid!. I have not voiced these thoughts to him yet ... I thought at the next meeting to discuss ... But ... I did not write the last week and a half less often, drier .. It is impossible to meet both with him and with me. . I didn’t ask questions .. I disappeared for a week ... I thought, well, it’s determined there for myself and okay ... I said ... After 3 days of silence, I ask, Are you okay? Replies - Hello. I indulge in despondency ... (There are such moods ... But at most the day is silent, so as not to spoil my mood, as he puts it). She supported me with words ... Okay, I think ... On the second day, I ask, How are you feeling? Answers- Normally .. Why I was sad, I asked, I answered, don’t even be sad .. so .. all garbage (if you are dissatisfied with yourself or are busy self-digging, you just keep silent) I asked about plans for Sunday- I was going to visit relatives with my family ... I wrote something we can't do it for a whole month.
He kept silent and kept silent. Well, I, accordingly, am silent and don’t go further .. I generally deleted his number from everywhere (we don’t communicate on social networks, we don’t even know each other’s names). I live my life ... But my head is busy (Why did he start behaving like that ... Decided to merge ... Or thinks ... And how to behave further, he decides to show himself too much. And it's a shame at the same time and I understand that this is how it should be "I have not studied this person thoroughly, there was no time. We see what they show us ... A stage in a relationship or an end ... What to do? (
The psychologist Unterova Victoria Vladimirovna answers the question.
Hello Irina! If a man had a desire to continue the relationship, then he would let you know about it in any way: by meeting, calling, sms at least. You took the initiative, wrote to him, but in his response he did not mention the meeting, any further plans for you. Therefore, no matter how hard it was for you to accept, it is obvious that he does not seek to continue this relationship.
You write that this man is a decent person. But what he told you (about the fact that there is no relationship with his wife, and what a pity that he did not meet you earlier) - the majority of married lovers tell women. Only duties and a sense of duty cannot force a man to continue living with a woman who is unpleasant to him. There is always a choice - to get a divorce and, thereby, give your wife a chance to meet a man who will appreciate and love her, and live with the woman he loves, or not to get divorced.
On the Internet, it is very easy to get acquainted and establish relationships, the choice is large. You write that before you he met with other women. What is happening in his life, what kind of relationship he had with others, what is now with his wife - you know only from his words. And no matter how delightful his compliments to you were, no matter how pleasant his words were, it is far from a fact that they were true.
Unfortunately, you did not write how long you met. They did not correspond and called each other "blindly", but they met. And if this is only a few months, then it is most likely that you have become another love adventure for this man.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 5 years now. But - he is married, I am married. There is no way to break this vicious circle. He cannot leave his wife with a child, my husband and I have no children, but there are elderly parents who may not be able to withstand such changes in our lives. What should I do about it? I love him very much…
Here is a letter that came yesterday from a girl who wished to remain incognito. Dear reader, let's let's try to figure it out together in the intricacies of your difficult and unusual situation ...
He is married, I am married- this is, perhaps, a classic love quadrangle, which, at times, grows, becoming real polygon when the fates of children, parents, people close to us are woven into this already tangled tangle. And yet, what to do? Keep the relationship at the current level of infrequent meetings? To become husband and wife, having parted with former spouses? To leave in order to maintain a precarious balance in their own families? Let's look at everything in order.
First, let's dot our long-suffering letter "and" - we will create a model of the situation:
Firstly
, the relationship between you and your lover is already can't be called random.. 5 years is a long time, and if during this time you have retained the same ardor, passion, desire to be around, this says a lot.
Secondly, as is clear from your message, Your loved one has not only a spouse, but also a child. By the way, an interesting point - does his wife know about her husband's relationship on the side? And if so, what do you think about it? It is difficult to keep a “pig in a poke” for so many years. In addition, your loved one probably had to fulfill his marital duties, and an attentive woman will definitely feel changes in a man.
Perhaps his wife saves the marriage only because they have a joint child, or maybe it’s easier for her, more stable, and she is ready to endure betrayal.
Why do you need to know this? First of all, in order to understand what keeps your beloved in his old family. Is it just a child? Maybe he's not sure which one of you he loves, ?
Third, Your own "cockroaches" in this situation also have a place to be. You confess that afraid of the reaction of parents. What is it - serious concerns for them or just a reason to keep the model he is married - I am married for the long term? After all, you must admit that we get used to everything, perhaps you are also used to it, and you are afraid to take a decisive step towards fate?
Break up with a married man or leave your husband?
And yet, what to do? It turns out that you only three exits:
1. Accept the situation as it is, enjoy what you have now, although you are married and he is married, enjoy meetings, enjoy this time. Perhaps the period of true change has simply not come and you are simply not ready to change something drastically. Well, this is understandable, the main thing in this case is to keep the secret of your close communication.
2. Leave your husband, prompting your loved one. Of course, a scandal cannot be avoided, of course, there will be tears, resentment, a lot of pain, but there will also be your common life together. And this, as we understand, is very desirable for you ...
3. And yet, beautiful Stranger, there is another option - break off a relationship with a lover. After all, they make you suffer, think about the impossible, grieve that you once got married, and he got married and is raising a child.
Sometimes, such boils on the heart should not be cherished, cured only by therapeutic methods as periodic meetings, and should be rooted out. Remember folk wisdom: Out of sight, out of mind? Perhaps this is your case.
Dear Stranger, in any situation, whatever you choose, be sure to think carefully, weigh all the arguments on the scales. We hope that our unbiased "debriefing" will help you!
You are doing everything right now! Well done! I wish you more strength and endurance, well, you must admit that he behaves like a dog in the hay, wants to keep you near him on a short leash, so that as soon as everything becomes calm in his family again, he will again use you for his own purposes !
Maybe, of course, it will be cynical, but you have to let him know that you just didn’t have a bad time with him, not wanting anything serious with him, so for a change in relations, because. This is true for women too, not just men!
You must let him know that it was not he who used you, it’s just that everyone got from this connection what they wanted without serious obligations!
No need to flatter his pride with your experiences, I'm sure he's not worth it! Appreciate yourself, baby!
Most likely, he really felt comfortable having a relationship with me. And, of course, I would not advertise our relationship with him under any circumstances. although some of HIS subordinates who came here from the main office while working on our project with him saw more than once how he kisses me in a completely unfriendly way. although this “pale” was not done on purpose. anyway. they saw that now, you won’t deny what 4 people saw. and I had to think.
Now I'm trying to let go of the situation, today all day long I'm only looking for flaws in him and trying to convince myself that I don't need SUCH a man. Called again today several times. Again with nonsense questions that he is quite able to solve himself. I talked to him as if nothing had happened, as with a friend, and did not let him know that I was still suffering and worried.
Please sun! For some reason, you only evoke positive in me, and there aren’t even any reproaches for you about breaking into someone else’s family! It's just that initially it was convenient for this man to cheat on his wife with you. you yourself have a husband and you would not advertise your relationship, plus, I think he knows how much you value your work (you don’t even need to say this, you can immediately see how he relates to work), and in case of exposure your adultery, I think that I would have definitely lost my job, and in addition with a negative characteristic, and it doesn’t matter if his wife has any feelings for her husband, the instinct of the female will simply play here - you touched what belongs to her and it doesn’t matter whether she needs it or not! I myself do not am, and I will not give to others.
For you, the best thing now is to somehow let go of the situation, stop deifying him, a person who allowed himself to powder your brains so easily and set the horns on his wife is not worth your worries and worries! I think once you take him off your imaginary throne and take off your crown and just look at him objectively, most of your worries about him will go nowhere!
Maybe, indeed, he has a sense of respect for his wife, but he definitely has a sense of responsibility for his child. I don’t know, maybe it’s true, he decided not to ruin the family. yeah, I didn't need that. I only need his love and that he at least sometimes be with me. although he constantly tells her that he will divorce her. on the other hand, if he really wanted to get a divorce, he would not threaten, but silently go and divorce.
I'll try to act like I don't care, at least for a couple of days. be cheerful and upbeat. I'll see his reaction.
THANKS FOR SUPPORT!!!
Yes, she arranges scandals for him every day. maybe threatened. For the time being, I will try to behave calmly and indifferently for at least a few days, if, of course, I can withstand it. let's see his reaction.
That's just the point, it's a storm! Hurricane! I can't think straight at all. sometimes something starts to work out, but as soon as I hear his voice or see him - that's it! I have everything floating, I stop thinking at all !!!
I really liked the story about your girlfriend and the opinion about stereotypes. maybe I really came up with a certain scenario and I want everything to go that way. I'll try to take your advice. THANK YOU!!!
Zai, hello! Of course, you can’t command the heart, but if you live only by what it tells us, then nothing good will happen! Sometimes it is still worth including the mind! I myself used to always live with emotions, but recently, thank God, I have begun to connect my head to this! The heart does not always prompt us with the right decisions!
A man can come up with a lot of things, they are still storytellers, maybe at that moment he had something in common in his head about you, but apparently then something turned in his head from the other side, maybe he still decided that he didn’t Should I leave my wife? Does she have a big influence on him? I just made the following conclusion from observing my colleagues: it is possible that many of them have relationships on the side, at least some of them made hints to me (married, of course), but those who have respect and pride in their half are unlikely to leave from her, maybe your lover also has some kind of feeling for his wife and yet decided not to ruin anything?
Maybe she threatened him with something, a scandal or something? Don't give up, fight!
My friend in her youth dreamed that her first man would be her husband.
There was, of course, the first man. There was a nice romance for a few days. Then they parted (lived in different cities).
He had a family, she had a family. Sometimes he sent greetings (once every few years). And then he got divorced. She divorced, lived with her second husband. He came and took her to him! After 10 years!
Recently, their marriage turned 7 years old. They have two common sons.
And a friend says: “Dreams do come true! My first man became my husband! You just need to formulate dreams correctly!“
Two months relationship?
So it's not time!
This is the most storm and whirlpool!
During this time, no one thinks at all.
You suffer so much because events do not develop according to your scenario (this is not even your scenario, but just a stereotypical dream of a girl who is not very happy in marriage): you came, you saw, you fell in love, divorced your wife and took your true destiny to the ends of the world!
But that's how you figured it out. I created a stereotype for myself, into which you try to squeeze everything.
WHO SAID it had to be like this?
Each love story (well, or relationship) is very individual and no one knows how events will turn out! And there is no ideal scenario for the development of love stories!
By the way, a guy can also have his own stereotype of behavior in such situations!
Imagine he thinks: “Our relationship can bring so much trouble for her! I can't let her lose her job! I cannot allow this terrible woman - my wife - to torture the most beautiful girl in the world! No, I do not deserve such happiness! I'll get out of her way! ABOUT! God! But how painful it is!“ (Is that how they write in romance novels?)
And the coolest thing is that men can actually think something like that!
So just cancel the stereotypes, remove the boundaries and watch with interest what amazing adventures are happening in your life!
