Why do men humiliate women? You know exactly how men offend women

Happy New Year to you, my loves!

Someone gets an iPhone as a gift, and someone gets drunken screams... We will deal with this injustice.

Shouting, humiliation and insults in the family are often underestimated. It seems that this is nonsense, because everyone is screaming, they will get mad and calm down. But it only seems so. If a man begins to insult, humiliate or raise his voice, these are very alarming bells. They ring about the beginning of the end of your relationship. You have the last opportunity to fix everything, and if this is impossible, get out of the relationship with minimal losses before it’s too late.

Reasons why a man shouts, insults and humiliates a woman

asserts itself. At work or among friends he is not respected, and he takes it out on those who are weaker and cannot fight back. Or you are more successful in life than him and with his screams he is trying to show who is boss in the house. First of all, for yourself.

you yourself insult him, humiliate him, raise your voice and try to correct him, because he is not what he should be. Even if you do not say rude words, keep in mind that humiliation can be different for a man. For example, you are trying to control him, baby him in public, criticize him “to the point,” press on feelings of guilt and pity, joke about his qualities and sexual abilities, and so on. The list can be large and in many ways unexpected.

you didn't fight back at the right time. Once upon a time it all started with small, not very pleasant, but not too offensive name calling, raising your voice, barely noticeable criticism of you and other little things that not every woman can notice and pay attention to. Read more about such small signs, as well as why this happens and what to do about it, in the article. You were silent and pretended that everything was fine, because you didn’t want to swear over small things. Then he became more impudent, and you endured it, because “that time I kept silent because of something like this, this time it will be strange and illogical to be indignant, I’m afraid to seem like a fool.” He realized that this is possible with you and nothing will happen to him for it. I relaxed and things went too far.

his inferiority complex. He considers himself insignificant, and so that you do not leave him, he is trying to kill you morally. He says that no one needs you except him, you are all crooked and askew, someone else in his place would have long ago taken a mistress or left you completely, but for some reason he tolerates it.

you are too dependent on him. Morally and/or financially. A man understands that you will not get away from him, you will have nothing to live on, you will not refuse his benefits, and he takes advantage of the position, tyrannizes you at all costs.

he is taking revenge on you. For insults or betrayals, for breaking up with him, for the fact that you are somehow cooler than him. Maybe he is offended by the whole world and insults everyone who gets in his way, and you just got caught.

Whatever the reason, it is important to stop the abuse IMMEDIATELY at ANY cost. After all, where they insult you, they will start beating you, and where they beat you, sooner or later they will finish you off. And if they don’t finish off, then respect, passion and love for each other will disappear, they will be replaced by resentment, disappointment and hatred. It's unlikely that you want this. So let's decide what to do about it.

How exactly NOT to respond to his insults

🚫 insult in return. This will aggravate the situation and lead to a break;

🚫 threaten to break up and not do it. He will understand that the price of your word and dignity is zero;

🚫 make demands in a hysterical impulse. He is unlikely to hear them, and certainly will not take them seriously, so first you need to wait until everyone calms down;

🚫 hope that this will pass and the situation will somehow change itself. Will not change! Your surgical intervention is needed;

🚫 justify him: “well, he drank, what a demand from a drunk person,” “yes, his boss brought it on, I won’t even be here with my grievances,” “he has a mad temperament, he’ll yell and cool down,” “it’s my own fault, no so I cooked/stroked/looked” and so on. There are no and cannot be excuses for insults! He is an adult and is able to be responsible for his actions, and even control himself;

🚫 complain to parents, relatives, friends and random passers-by. You will forgive him later, but they won’t. Read more about the dangers of complaining about your husband.

How to respond to insults from a man

0. If you yourself have a mustache, you swear, yell at him and make barbs at him.

This has no place in the family! Irony and sarcasm destroy relationships no worse than alcoholism and mistresses. Laugh at anything with him, but not at each other and not at what is dear to the other. Then having fun will strengthen your relationship.

Start changing, even if you think that he deserved the insult with his behavior. Moreover, ask him to monitor and evaluate your efforts in working on yourself. Say: “Honey, I realized how wrong I behaved. Please forgive me. There should be no swearing or humiliation in the family, because we are the closest and most loving people to each other. We must be able to negotiate humanly. From now on, I promise not to call you these terrible words, for which I am then very ashamed, and not to raise my voice. Let's come up with a punishment for me if I lose my temper. And a reward for me if I don’t utter a single offensive word to you for a month.”

If you come up with a good enough reward and an unpleasant punishment, the method will work. Then extend the experiment for six months. When he sees that you are trying your best and holding back where before you would have given him a three-story, he will automatically begin to monitor his speech. After all, he will feel respect and love for your efforts.

1. This has just begun to manifest itself, and you have nothing to do with it.

The man sometimes began to behave more rudely than usual, raising his voice at you or the children, making ambiguous jokes at you, without even wanting to offend you, just by accident.
Under no circumstances should you let this get away with it! Otherwise it will get worse.

For example, he affectionately patted you on the stomach and called you “little hippo.” Anxiety! A “fat cow” is very likely on the horizon, regardless of your weight. Therefore, poignantly pout your lips and grumble: “Why are you calling me that, I don’t like that nickname. I like what you used to call me..."

He raised his voice at you. Don't hide your emotions, you don't like it, do you? Show him your upset face and say, “I can’t help it, but when people yell at me, I want to cry or yell back. And I certainly can’t understand what exactly they are telling me. I don't get the meaning. Therefore, please speak calmly, I perceive it much better this way and will be able to hear you.”

He swore in front of you. Not at you, but simply used obscene language in your presence. If you tolerate this, your rating in his eyes will automatically drop a little, and in the end, curse words will fall on you. Therefore, tell him (first wait until you are alone): “I find such words from you very unpleasant, they upset me and spoil my mood. I don't know why I'm so sensitive. Others are indifferent to me, I react to them less, but you are my closest person, which is probably why I have such a strong reaction. Please don’t swear in front of me, if it’s not difficult for you.”

2. He has problems and takes it out on you.

The main thing here is not to try to endure it, not to hope that over time everything will calm down and he will calm down. He will get used to the fact that he can yell at you, and he will no longer need reasons. Don't wean yourself later.

And especially don’t try to be softer and fluffier with him in response to insults! With a pointedly tender attitude, you want to support him, smooth out his difficulties and not pay attention to temporary mood swings, but he develops a false reflex that if he wants an affectionate wife, he needs to bark at her.

And certainly insulting him back is not a solution at all and not support for a loving wife.

Instead, at the first irritable tone, tell him: “Darling, I understand that you are having some difficulties right now. I know perfectly well that you can handle everything, you’ve always done it and are generally great! But I can't stand it if you take it out on me. This is unfair and offends me to the core. Tell me better how I can relax you. How do you want me to relieve your stress? I know many pleasant ways...”

3. You have started all this, and he is already swearing and swearing at you with all his might.

Or he asserts himself for a long time at your expense, is offended by the whole world, takes revenge on you, or you are too dependent on him... GUARD! Urgent sanctions are needed!

Set boundaries. Say: “I love you and I understand that this can be difficult for you. But I will not tolerate unworthy behavior towards me from anyone, especially from the closest and most beloved person. The next time I hear even one offensive word from you, you and I will not talk for 3 days. If this happens again, we will separate for 2 weeks. But if this doesn’t help, after that we will part forever.”

Moreover, he should be the first to put up with you after 3 days and after 2 weeks. Waiting for you to roll up? Let him wait! Until he shows up with flowers and an apology, you can’t put up with him. Because he doesn't really need you. If he needs to try to earn your favor, then he will value it much more, and will try not to lead to separation.

If he brought it up to the third time, then you break up with him. He reacts indifferently - so be it. If he knocks on your doorstep, does things (helps you and your parents, takes you away and brings you back, gives money, treats your cat, gets your brother a job) and tries in every possible way to win you over again, then, if you wish, you can forgive him for the last time, but at least after 2-3 months, so that he has time to really change. Let him try his best! And he will understand that it is much easier and cheaper not to mow it down than to rake it later. It will dawn on him that he really risks losing you, and only then will he reevaluate your role in his life.

Naturally, there shouldn’t be a fourth time. After all, some men, by nature prone to sadism, deliberately get married very quickly (in the very first months they say: “You are my destiny, as soon as I saw you, I immediately understood”) and have a child so that the woman cannot escape. First they are sweethearts, and then they show their true nature. Therefore, borders must be ironclad. If you run into a tyrant, at least you will leave with minimal losses. And in the future you will be more picky.

If he asserts himself at your expense and reproaches you, although you are more successful than him, then there is an interesting way to stop this. Start praising and admiring him. Thank him for what he does (in parallel with setting boundaries, of course). After all, in this perverted way, he may be trying to get respect and love from you. And if you are more successful than him, then it is difficult for you to respect him, and there is even nothing to admire, because you are cooler. Search and you will find reasons. This, of course, requires thorough work, because first of all he needs to be forgiven for previous offenses.

4. “Excuses.”

The first is he insulted you while drunk or in a drug stupor. By themselves, these bad habits do not promise anything good. If you put up with it, that's your business. But this cannot be an excuse for insults! He will shut you up, and of course, over time, he will start hitting you. Therefore, there is an urgent need to stop this outrage.

Wait until he's sober and tell him, “I don't like your drinking, but I respect you and leave it up to you to decide whether or not to drink. But I will not tolerate any insults, and your inadequate state is not a valid reason. Therefore, if you cannot control yourself after drinking, then you will have to part with either alcohol or me.”

In this case, you yourself will have to completely give up alcohol, wine gatherings with friends and hanging out in bars. The law in the family must apply to everyone, especially if it is prohibition. Otherwise, he will feel lonely and flawed, everyone can do it, but he can’t. The consequences are unpredictable.
And here again, it is important not to play the “I left to come back” game. He chooses vodka - let him live with it. Otherwise, you will lose yourself and then won’t pick up the pieces.

Similar behavior with his explosive temperament. Let him learn to take care of himself. He’s an adult and doesn’t yell at his boss, no matter how much he pisses him off? Is there at least one person in the world with whom he chooses expressions? This means he is quite capable of controlling himself. Why are you worse than his boss?

If he yells at everyone indiscriminately, then he is obviously inadequate. RUN!!! To begin with, of course, you can suffer with a psychologist if your husband agrees to see him. This helps some, although the path is not easy.

Another common excuse is that she is a woman you are the one to blame. The borscht was sour, the crease in my trousers was uneven, it didn’t wake me up in the morning, I didn’t smile when we met, it gave me a reason for jealousy. This is not a reason to yell and humiliate! If someone doesn’t like something, then usually people talk and agree humanly, instead of tyrannizing the other. Therefore, the solution is the same as in the previous options.

A separate speech if he is jealous for no reason. For example, someone pestered you and you rejected the insolent person, your man saw it or you told him yourself. And then a surprise - he gets angry and says: “If a woman is harassed, then she gave a reason.” Many make a mistake and begin to make excuses for him, fawn over him and convince him of their loyalty. But he insulted you with his distrust!

I already wrote at the very beginning of the article what will happen if you respond to insults with affection. Instead, say, “You are an amazing, honorable man. Only a worthy woman can be next to you. If you think that I am unworthy, then I will immediately vacate this place next to you so that it can be taken by the one you consider more worthy. So you doubt me?”

I will write about jealousy in relationships and how to deal with it if you or he is jealous in future articles. So subscribe at your convenience.

QUESTION FOR A SYSTEM-VECTOR PSYCHOLOGIST. Why does a man insult a woman?

Can psychology explain this? Tired of fighting alone. I'm already over 40. My first marriage broke up. Divorce and my husband’s betrayal were very difficult for me. But finally the pain went away. I met a wonderful man and fell in love. We moved in together. Everything was wonderful, he cared, courted, and was very gentle. But it didn't last long. After a short time, he began to insult me.

If a man offends

Living with an angry and controlling man - he constantly tells you what you should think and tries to make you doubt the value of your own feelings and values.

Some women may feel that reading this book brings up too many difficult emotions. Take a break, talk to friends, family, those who can support you. While I hope this book will clear things up for you, the process can be painful.

If a man insults a woman

Answer the offender, starting with the phrase: “This will be the same case...”. When your interlocutor points out his superiority to you, turn this superiority against him. For example, you were reproached for your immaturity and the fact that you need to be taught everything. Answer such a statement as follows: “This will be the very case when the student initially knows much more than his teacher.” Of course, it may take some time to think about your response, but the faster you respond to the attack, the more effective your objection will be.

Compare your opponent with a less flattering object than he compared you.

Women's magazine ONIM

The reasons for this behavior of men can be varied. In most cases, men who cannot boast of a particularly high status turn out to be “domestic tyrants.” After all, inside every male (be it a hammerhead fish, a cat or a man) has the desire to be the “leader of the pack.” Therefore, those who have failed to realize their ambitions in the surrounding society prove their “strength and masculinity” in the family, demonstrating in every possible way “who is in charge in the family.”

How to improve relationships with your husband Part 2 My husband constantly insults and humiliates

This article is a continuation of the article “How to improve relationships with your husband Part 2 Why doesn’t my husband understand me? "And now we will talk about situations where a husband constantly insults and humiliates his wife. Why does this happen in many families, what lies behind male rudeness, how to react to it and what can be done about it?

There may be several reasons why a husband constantly insults and humiliates his wife.

Is it possible to insult a woman?

This question has an unconditional negative answer. But, unfortunately, in many situations the opposite happens. For example, in some families, over time everything becomes not as ideal as it previously seemed. The revelation of characters in the process of living together causes some conflicts, scandals, and in especially acute cases, personal insults and fights. If at some point your husband lost his temper and insulted you, you need to try to forgive him and try to forget about this situation.

Insulting a woman by a man

Speaking of psychology. The couple with whom we went to the sea completely broke my brain this week. I didn’t know that there were such psychologically illiterate couples. In general, I rarely communicate with couples, either with girlfriends alone, or with TIGER and his friends without wives, and here we are together for a week. I know what I would like to do as a psychologist - educate people on how to communicate with their loved ones.

Why does a husband insult his wife?

Eh, men, well, what happens to you after a few years of married life, why do you stop being as attentive and courteous as on your honeymoon? Where does this unbridled anger and bilious insults come from? You say the reason is in us, the nymphs who love and cherish you? But what is the true essence of your aggression.

The candy-flower period ends sooner or later in any relationship.

Why a man insults a woman, human psychology

The most important day of every woman is behind us - her wedding day. There is a significant dress in the closet, the photographs are printed, and there is something to remember. This is where family life begins.

Beauty and HealthLove and Relationships

How many articles are devoted to real representatives of the stronger sex, but besides them, there are also those who, although they belong to the male sex, do not behave like men. They allow themselves to be rude, insult and offend women. There is no excuse for this, since they are stronger, but you can fight this phenomenon only by understanding what is the reason that forces them to behave so poorly. So why do men humiliate women? Let's figure it out now.

Why do men insult women?

The reasons for any actions and deeds are always hidden in the depths of a person’s subconscious, and often he does not realize them until a moment comes that forces him to think about why life is not the way he would like, and people around him react negatively to him. At this moment there is a chance to change for the better. Unfortunately, recognizing the very fact that a person is doing something wrong is a great success. Subconscious processes are well hidden from people, and the eternal rush, which does not allow you to stop for a minute to think whether you are going the right way, generally deprives you of any chance of learning something very important about yourself.

You can understand and realize the hidden motives of behavior and actions with the help of introspection, psychologists or other people who are able to say from the outside in a calm manner that a person is behaving selfishly and causing pain to others. The only problem is that such people, especially males, do not want to hear what they are told, much less go to a psychologist (they are not sick) or engage in self-analysis (waste time on incomprehensible nonsense), they deeply believe that they are doing everything right, and it is those they offend, react incorrectly, or are to blame.

Changing the situation by forcing them to think about their behavior at least for a minute is possible only through peaceful means. In moments of calm, simply voice that you, as his beloved woman, are hurt by his words and actions. It is important to say all this calmly, choosing words that accurately reflect your feelings and hint to him at the possible reason for his behavior, so that he understands what is worth paying attention to in order to make sure that you are right or his own. Here, as they say, whatever happens.

Attempts to convey your disappointment to him with the help of screams, in a state of rage, when you want to tear and throw from resentment and pain, will be in vain. When people are shouted at, justifiably or not, their defense mechanism is activated, or they stop altogether perceiving what is being said to them, since they subconsciously understand that negativity will be poured out on them, which will cause harm, or they will enter into an altercation in order to silence the other person. and intimidate, because they become scared at this moment themselves.

All these processes are subconscious, and therefore are not realized by people, they happen instantly, but knowing about them in advance, there is a chance to avoid new quarrels, because they definitely will not be able to solve the problem. But in order to tell everything in a calm atmosphere, when the right moment comes, hinting at what is happening to the man himself, because it is not easy for him to behave this way, you need to know what reasons most often force men to humiliate women, what provoked them and how you can deal with them cope with.

Psychologists agree that only weak men behave this way, insecure, unloved in childhood, accustomed to a similar model of behavior, this is how their father behaved or the men who replaced him in childhood, if the boy grew up alone. People who love themselves know how to feel the pain of others, even if they are strong men who are accustomed not to express their emotions and pity too often. They have no need to increase their own self-esteem at the expense of others. If suddenly it has decreased a little, but they still have self-love, they will find another way to increase it, without offending anyone, especially women. By insulting and humiliating another person, you, first of all, lower yourself. Decent, self-respecting people will never allow themselves to behave like this.

To offend and humiliate... A similar path to solving internal problems is chosen by weak representatives of the stronger sex, who are even too lazy to think about the problems that await them if they continue to behave like tyrants in the future. For some reason, living in a society where such an attitude towards the obviously weak is not encouraged, but, on the contrary, is condemned, sometimes quietly, but condemnation is always present, such men do not bother to think about why they allow themselves such behavior and really Are they sure that this will continue forever and will not threaten them with anything?

They may believe that they are not doing anything wrong, only because they are afraid to admit that they are still bad people, they are too lazy to take care of themselves, because this is also a kind of recognition of their shortcomings. Such behavior is cultivated for a reason; it is based on the fact that women who are humiliated by such men are accustomed to behaving like victims. They do not accept their behavior, so as not to worry about it, and they do not rebuff them, either verbally or forcefully, at least in the form of parting with them and erasing them from their lives.

The reluctance to voice justified complaints and grievances that arose due to his behavior in a calm environment is due to the fact that then he will have to make a decision: to stay and not pay any more attention, since she loves him so much, or to leave. And it’s scary to do this, because the status of a victim gives her a lot of advantages, especially since her mother behaved the same way, and this model of behavior is absolutely familiar. Who wants to admit that she is also to blame for the fact that she is constantly offended, and she continues to endure it, without even trying to think, maybe there is something wrong with her too.

This behavior of women allows men to further humiliate them, as they feel their impunity.

Why do men humiliate women?

But it is not always only women who are to blame; after all, they do not specifically provoke such behavior towards themselves, and only then react as best they can, leave or suffer from too much patience and fear of losing, even if such a bad, but still a man . Unfortunately, our society still continues to evaluate the value of a woman by the presence of a man next to her or his absence. It is also worth mentioning that a normal man will never humiliate a woman, no matter how she behaves and no matter how tolerant and kind she is to others. Those who behave rudely are those who themselves feel their own inferiority inside, which they try to get rid of by humiliating those who are obviously weaker than them. Without meeting any resistance, they stop seeing boundaries altogether and continue to violate them more and more sophisticatedly. Men allow themselves to behave this way because their status is not as high as they would like. And they try to rise up in order to feel on top at least against someone else’s background. And since it is much easier for them to show force and rudeness towards someone who depends on them, especially since it is easier than trying to achieve the status they need, they try with all their might. They are afraid to struggle with difficulties, compete and compete with other representatives of the stronger sex, because they are not confident in themselves and their success, but since the ambitions against this background are generally enormous, they need to throw out the accumulated dissatisfaction with themselves and those around them. And a woman looking at him with loving eyes and expressing complete submission... What could be better for his anger?! No one will rebuff him, will not object, will not say that it’s time for you, dear, to take care of your own self-esteem, so as not to remain lonely, since any women will run away from you, tired of enduring humiliation. So they humiliate women when their subconscious discontent begins to eat away at the soul, and this happens often, but the disease - low self-esteem - remains uncured. Because of this, some experience the fear of losing their loved one, and to prevent this from happening, instead of getting rid of fear, which is again done by increasing their own self-esteem and self-love, they begin to humiliate, offend and criticize the woman. In other words, destroy her self-esteem to such an extent that she herself believes that no one else will need such an incorrect one. Only this happens all the time, since his fear does not disappear anywhere, and he continues to try with all his might, turning a woman into a downtrodden and insecure creature, completely dependent on him.

Photo: why men humiliate and insult women

Those who respect themselves and do not want to tolerate such treatment should remember that there are no excuses for men allowing themselves to humiliate and insult women. They do this because of their promiscuity and unwillingness to respect others, no matter how much they are asked not to do this, and no matter how society tries to raise worthy men.

Tags: why men humiliate women, why men insult women

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Let's start with the fact that there are no purely ideal moments in relationships, misunderstandings happen in every family, but the point is in the development and consequences of quarrels. Most often, these are insults. Many people of the fair sex asked themselves the question: why does a man insult and humiliate a woman? Let's figure out why the man insulted and humiliated.

Reasons why men humiliate women:

Subconscious response. For men who insult and humiliate beautiful ladies, a defensive reaction begins in the subconscious when they begin to yell at them and pour out all the negativity; They want to intimidate and be right in everything. He will not deviate from his opinion, so he insults and humiliates the female half in order to prove his position; He has a mistress and does not have the courage to break up with you; An example from childhood. The person who humiliates grew up in such an environment and saw tyrant behavior in his father, grandfather or the person who raised him. It’s even worse if they run around him.

We will step by step delve into the essence of the issue. Why a man humiliates and insults a woman - the psychology is as follows:

A man humiliates, using this as a way of control and power. The goal is to destroy and change the personal opinion of your partner. Having become an authority for her, he believes that he can perfectly control and manipulate her; A man humiliates and insults girls - this is the psychology of a weak, insecure man who wants to raise his self-esteem and show himself; This is convenient for him. The man sees that there is no resistance from the girl, she does not touch him, and continues to offend him with 100% confidence that he is doing everything right, since the lady is silent. They can offend, humiliate and insult any woman anywhere: in transport, on vacation, at work , but why do men like to humiliate their beloved girlfriend or wife at home, let’s try to find the answer. After all, this is very scary, especially since children can see everything!

Why does a man humiliate the woman he loves?

The woman independently chose the role of the victim. Perhaps unconsciously, because I saw such an example of my mother’s behavior. The second option, when a lady is deeply in love with her prince, does not see his shortcomings, and is sure that he is right in such behavior, and she is to blame and provoked him; They are used to living and behaving this way! Both! A woman obeys in everything, cooks, washes, takes care of him, he gets used to it. If the other half missed what he was used to (for example, he did not serve food on time), there will be a quarrel, and the man begins to insult. And the wife silently endures and endures; The male sex wants to prove his status. If this doesn’t work out at work among colleagues, among friends, where does the man humiliate his significant other? At home. Although there, he feels at his best, using this method, maybe he lacks her attention; All the dissatisfaction and negativity that has accumulated throughout the day needs to be thrown out. Why does the male sex like to humiliate their wives, and not those who got them? Because a woman will listen and endure and will not go anywhere (in his opinion), but in a job, for example, they can be fired or demoted. And he is looking for any reason to offend his wife in order to free himself from all the bad results of the day; Competition. The husband sees that his wife is strong in character, achieves more than him, his self-esteem drops, and he begins to humiliate her; Fear that his wife will begin to destroy his personal space (before marriage, he walked with friends, relaxed, did what he loved, but now there are obligations), and he begins to humiliate his beloved half so that his space is not disturbed; Education. Look at your boyfriend's or husband's parents. If his father is a tyrant and loves to constantly humiliate his mother, then the son’s behavior will most likely be similar, since his father raised him this way and set an example; Wife’s behavior. If you constantly nag your spouse, expressing your dissatisfaction with any reason in an angry tone, his patience will also burst, and he will respond in kind.

Why does a man try to humiliate

There are many reasons, but this does not give the right to humiliate and insult. It is always necessary to find a compromise, but the outcome of the event as humiliation and violence is extremely unacceptable. We can sum up why men try to humiliate a woman: this upbringing has been inherited, the weakness of men who want to raise self-esteem, the desire to gain and control the female sex using this method, a response to women’s hysterics and constant dissatisfaction, or the other half makes himself a victim, as well as the desire to show oneself at one's best in front of another person.

Most often, these are aggressors who believe that they are always right. The girl, in order not to become a victim, must fight back. Any conflict situation must be adequate and not go beyond what is permitted, especially to the point of violence. We need to control ourselves, work on the relationship on both sides. And realizing your mistakes is the first stage of mutual understanding.

Man and woman. Their relationship is extremely complex and full of dramatic moments. Love and hate seem to exist side by side. No one knows at what point love and prudence recede, and a barrage of anger and hatred bursts into their place. It is difficult to imagine, even in our century, a family where such incidents would not occur. And most often, representatives of the fairer sex become victims of rude treatment. What happens to representatives of the stronger sex, why is a man capable of humiliating and offending the woman he loves? How to protect yourself and what to do to stop it?

Married life is not without misunderstandings, disputes, quarrels and serious conflicts. And that's okay. The bad thing is that people don't know how to solve their problems. Very often, feeling his physical superiority, a man insults his woman, thereby humiliating her.

The psychology of men and women is different. Representatives of the fair half of humanity have a poor understanding of the psychological characteristics of men: they are different and much more complex than women. And they do not at all live up to their name - the stronger sex. It is only outwardly that they are strong, decisive, tough and courageous. But they are also extremely vulnerable, sometimes sentimental and vulnerable, they do not adapt well to changes in the world around them. Men do not cry: since childhood they have been instructed to restrain their emotions. Many of their features play a cruel joke on them. It is not surprising that they often break down and break.

Self-assertion at any cost

An important psychological feature of men is their desire for self-affirmation. From early childhood to old age, he tries to assert himself in any activity. This trait begins to manifest itself in the family he created. The struggle for leadership can unfold already in the early stages of family relationships and escalate in moments of fading feelings. Domination in resolving any issue, ignoring the opinion of the spouse, disdain for her point of view gives rise to resentment in the soul and resistance. Disagreement on some issues can cause irritation in a man and a desire to humiliate and insult her. This is how the family turns into an arena of struggle for leadership with all the ensuing consequences.

Rivalry

Modern representatives of the fairer sex often have a higher level of education, earn the same as their husbands, and sometimes achieve more in life. They, women, are more resilient in nature. Their confidence and ability to easily and successfully adapt to changing conditions hits a man’s self-esteem: next to such a lady, he subconsciously feels like a worthless person. This results in irritation, which in conflicts results in unfounded insults to the woman.

Men with low self-esteem cannot establish themselves in the workplace or among friends. So they try to increase their self-esteem at the expense of their wives, humiliating and offending them.

Manifestation of aggressiveness

Aggression as a personality trait is inherent in both men and women. Naturally, its level varies from person to person. It can also manifest itself in certain situations, as a reaction to some unpleasant life events. A man with a high level of natural aggressiveness is unrestrained and conflicted. He is distinguished by impulsiveness, unpredictability of his actions and behavior. He suffers from a lack of self-control. But he splashes out the accumulated tension not at work, but on his loved ones at home and, above all, on the one he loves. Sometimes he himself does not understand and cannot explain what caused such a storm of anger and a stream of insults against his wife.

Situational aggressiveness arises as a reaction to internal conflicts generated by various unpleasant circumstances (problems at work, depressed mood, poor health, friction with superiors, financial difficulties, failures, mistakes, mistakes, and so on). Aggressiveness requires an outlet and spills out in the form of humiliation and insult to the person closest to you. It is clear that carrying negative emotions within yourself is very harmful to health: there is a whole list of serious diseases caused by restrained emotions. But discharging on others is not a way out of the situation.

Men of certain types of character (regular, uncontrollable, demonstrative) and temperament (choleric) are distinguished by fairly high aggressiveness. People with one of these character types are ambitious, they have inflated self-esteem, and do not want and do not know how to take into account the opinions of other people. Only their point of view is correct, and it never changes. Their rude and aggressive behavior has a destructive effect on marital relationships. For a woman, having such a partner in life is a real punishment; not everyone is able to adapt to him.

This topic is discussed in more depth in the article: Temperaments and conflicts in the family.

Gaps in education

We all come from childhood, we all go through the school of family relationships at that tender age when we still do not know how to distinguish what is good and what should not be learned and done. The pattern of behavior of the father, who constantly insults and humiliates the mother, is learned by the children. When a boy becomes an adult, he then treats his wife the same way. Patience and humility of the mother and rudeness of the father become the norm for the girl. Subconsciously, the young man chooses the one who will endure humiliation. And the young wife will never question why a man calls and humiliates a woman. Many psychologists claim that children repeat the fate of their parents and even some events in their lives. Don't believe me? Take a closer look at the people you know around you, analyze their fates.

Love and jealousy

He loves, but periodically insults and humiliates the woman he loves, why? Yes, the great passion of one of the spouses is not always good for the psychological climate in the family. The balance of emotional relationships is disrupted. Where there is love, there is fear of losing a loved one, and jealousy arises. Any word or remark of a wife can be misinterpreted by a jealous husband. Repressed feelings will sooner or later result in the form of unfounded accusations and insults that humiliate the spouse.

Character and behavior of the wife

Not only men with their own difficulties are to blame for quarrels in the family. Beautiful ladies are sometimes masterfully capable of causing their husband’s aggression with their behavior. Constant dissatisfaction, grumbling and whining, demonstrating a bad mood and silence (they say, guess for yourself what is wrong with me or with us), ignorance or unwillingness to take into account the characteristics of one’s other half can cause swearing and insults from the husband. His answer is adequate to his wife's behavior. And what about the stubbornness demonstrated by a woman in insisting on her opinion and the causeless hysterics they throw? He simply does not have enough arguments or the ability to insist on his own. Well, why not a reason for a verbal fight?

There are many more reasons why men humiliate and insult women. But what to do in these situations? What advice can you give?

Dear girls! Take your choice of life partner seriously. If during the courtship period insults or hints of humiliation take place, even in a playful form, things will get worse from there: do not cherish the dream that you will be able to re-educate your loved one. Once rudeness is demonstrated towards you, as a rule, it is repeated and becomes constant. Therefore, you cannot tolerate and remain silent; you must react: discuss and find with your partner the reason for the rude behavior, but only in a calm situation. Never respond to abuse with abuse. Dear ladies! If you are being treated rudely by your life partners, don't be afraid to look within yourself for the reasons. After all, we are not always angels. Work on your relationships constantly. You can destroy everything easily and quickly, but creation requires strength and patience.

Very often verbal aggression is accompanied by physical violence. The relationship between victim and persecutor develops. But this is a topic for another article.

Read the article: Tyrant husband: psychological portrait

Not all people express love in the same way. For example, many guys show aggression towards their girlfriends in relationships. At the same time, they are not going to leave anywhere and swear their love. And what should you do if a guy constantly insults you with obscenities and humiliates you? In such a situation, there are several options for the development of events. And we will consider them.

Why is the guy insulting me?

Sometimes a guy insults you and then swears his love because it’s your fault. Many girls themselves provoke a person to aggression.

Such provocations include:

• Jealousy. Obvious jealousy. Like, I came late at night and was hanging out with “friends”;
• Whims. I don't like this, I don't like that!
• Hidden insults. “Look, Ivanov already has a car, and you...”;
• Making trouble for the guy. In particular, he asks you to be silent, you speak, etc.;
• Intrigue, sarcasm, insults, secrecy, lies, etc. and so on.

Not all guys are beasts. In most cases, girls try their best to make them angry. Psychologists have proven that anger excites girls sexually (although no one admits this). This means that with such a problem you need to pay attention to yourself.

What makes a guy insult his girlfriend?

But it's not that simple. Sometimes a young person experiences serious mental problems. And this provokes him to aggression.

It may have:

1. Delusions of grandeur. Especially if he . You are a thing for him. And you can shout at a thing;
2. He's a pedant. It seems to him that everything should be right and perfect. And the slightest imperfection makes him angry;
3. He is suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia. Just no comments here;
4. The guy has complexes. He is not respected at work. And it itself is affirmed at your expense;
5. He's a pervert. Many guys are turned on by girls humiliating them.

Also, it could be a banal habit. He doesn't put any malice into insulting you. But at the same time, he is used to doing this and does not want to part with it.

What to do with such a guy?

It is important to understand that if a guy constantly insults and humiliates, then this is no longer a relationship. You will feel like a wuss. Everyone will laugh at you. But hardly anyone will think of helping.

You should not ignore any such case. Try to reach out to MCH after an outburst of anger. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him. In some (very few) cases such people are corrected.

But most situations are dead ends. Therefore, it is better to leave such a person. You must tell him about leaving dryly and in great detail. Otherwise, he will find a clue and hold you.

It is better to delete all contacts and not contact him. Otherwise, he will turn into a “poor lamb” and return you. But in a short time everything will start again.

And yet, it is important to know that insults often turn into beatings and murders. Do you want to live? Run as far away from him as possible!

Prevention of insults

To avoid this, you should immediately look for a good guy. You should not date those who have obvious mental problems. Often girls choose “strong males” who beat people, drink and smoke.

And if a person likes to use violence and is addicted to bad habits, then a relationship with anyone is contraindicated for him. You won't change it. And such love can cost you your life.

Also, you shouldn't date strange guys. Sometimes mama's boys, workaholics or notorious party animals commit domestic violence. Therefore, you should look for that person who is not fixated on anything.

The female sexual instinct tells us to date bad and aggressive guys. But it's better to listen to your heart. Don't think that good guys are boring or stupid. Look for a normal person, and the danger of abuse in a relationship will bypass you.

Recently, Karina, my friend, asked why my relationship with my husband is only improving after so many years of marriage. After all, often the opposite happens to spouses. First, romance, flowers and courtship, then a wedding, and after a few years, if not divorce, then scandals, mutual reproaches and insults. And it often happens that over the years a man begins to humiliate a woman.

This is what I answered Karina then.

- Karin, I can’t say that everything is fine in my relationship with my husband and that we never quarrel. But it’s a fact that I don’t allow my man to humiliate and insult me. Although he, like any representative of the stronger sex, had some attempts and efforts in this direction. The fact is that his father always communicates with his mother only in raised voices. Well, this is their style of family relationships. His mother also does not remain in debt, and in response she shaves her father even harder than he did hers.

But the fact is that neither I nor my husband ever liked such a relationship and we did not dream of such a family.

So my husband, at the very beginning of our relationship, once said something rude to me. Now, 18 years later, I don’t even remember what exactly, but I really didn’t like it. Then I reacted instantly. I have always had enough pride and the ability to value myself. And she gave him something like this tirade: “Your behavior is unacceptable to me. A real man will never allow himself to be rude and humiliating towards a woman. I'm not going to put up with the kind of treatment your mother puts up with from your father. I don't need such a family. If something doesn’t suit you, say it normally, and I don’t need insults and rudeness.

Now I want to be alone, but if this happens again, we won’t be able to have any long-term relationships, much less a family.

Decide when I return, let’s discuss this, and you will tell me whether we continue to live together or I don’t waste time on you, and we separate.” After which I went for a walk. I really wanted to be alone and think. Then I understood that after such an ultimatum, a man could really leave. And no matter how hard it was for me, I also understood that I didn’t want to live with a man so that he would humiliate and insult me. Even if I was left alone altogether, for me it was much better than enduring rudeness and insults.

My man chose family life without humiliation. We had all kinds of things, and often it was I who was wrong, we quarreled and swore. But in all 18 years he never again uttered a single rude word to me. Although I can get angry and can be quite categorical, my husband never allowed himself to be rude again.

And this is how my husband now says: “A man is such an arrogant creature that you don’t put your finger in his mouth, he’ll bite off his shoulder and won’t choke. And therefore there is no need to pamper the man. Remember that every time you do for a man what you shouldn’t do as a woman, you turn the man into either a weak-willed rag or a domestic tyrant, and yourself into a draft horse.”

A friend of mine told several stories in which at first everything was fine with the young couple, but over the years the man relaxed, stopped giving flowers and gifts to his wife, stopped helping and, the saddest thing, the man began to humiliate and insult the woman. And the woman endured all this for years.

What surprised me most was that the stories told by Karina very much reminded me of the stories from the letters and trainings of readers of the site “Sunny Hands.

They all begin, plus or minus, the same way - romance, a male hero who conquers and achieves his beloved girl, a wedding, after which the girl is happy and begins to actively “build a family nest.” And in all these stories, the girls are so actively building their nests that they literally begin to do everything themselves. Gradually, day after day, pushing the man into the background, pampering him, completely dissolving in him and beginning to forget about themselves and their needs. In all these stories, girls and women are so afraid of being alone that they endure humiliation and insults from men for years. But the good news is that not all women allow themselves to be humiliated and many life stories still end happily.

Some time after our conversation with Karina, I brought her the drafts of the article. When she read it, she herself asked to publish her story. But everything is in order.

And recently I began to add what a bad wife I am, a bad lover, and that it’s a shame to go out with me in public. But this is not true. I continue to work, despite three children, I try to attend advanced training courses at least once a year. Of course, I have become less able to read, but there really is no time here. I go to the gym twice a week, though at lunchtime at work. But I still take care of myself, I don’t let myself go, and after my last birth I lost weight. And I have no time to get fat. I'm spinning like a squirrel in a wheel.

And when my husband has problems, I always help him with reports. If he needs to work at home, I try to go outside with the children for a walk, let him work in silence. When he expresses complaints to me, I translate everything as a joke, I don’t stir up conflicts. Why shout, it won't do any good.

I don’t know what else to write... Maybe I’m complaining in vain, maybe everyone lives like this over the years? Doesn't seem like the worst husband. Thank God, he doesn’t hit me and brings money home. Of course, I want to feel loved, like in the first years of our relationship. When my husband literally blew away specks of dust from me. And flowers, and help around the house, and my diploma helped me write, and affection and love, and I was the best for him, although I didn’t do as much as I do now. And when I was pregnant with my first child, he didn’t even let me clear the plate from the table, so he took care of me. And when the first son was born, he helped. And over the years I began to help less and less, and after the hospital I still heard only one criticism from him.

Maybe I ruined it myself? After the hospital, did you harness yourself and begin to pull everything on yourself? I tried to please my husband in everything and support him. She worked three jobs, washed everything in the house early in the morning, cooked food for the children and him all day, took the younger ones to kindergarten, the eldest actually went to school himself, the school is right in the yard. Then I forgot to even think about myself, I endured his nagging, I thought that it was hard for him, several months without work, what kind of guy would like it. I didn't want to aggravate the situation. So I endured it. That’s when I made the mistake of not changing lanes in time. I don’t know what to do now.

How did this story end?

Galina (the reader who sent this letter) decided that she had nothing to lose anyway and decided to behave differently. More likely, even “in the old way,” the way she behaved in her youth, when she was just starting to live with her husband. This is what she wrote after several of our classes:

- Anastasia, I completely agreed with you that if I don’t learn to build a relationship with the man I have now, then there is no guarantee that I will be able to create a happy family with another. Of course, if he had raised his hand against me or cheated on me, then there would have been nothing to talk about. But Gena used to be normal, before and then he didn’t allow himself to be assaulted, I didn’t notice him partying, and he’s the children’s own father. And the fact that he began to humiliate me is my fault. I myself, with my silence and unnecessary patience, and even patronage, spoiled him, allowed him all the humiliation and insults.

After studying all the articles on your website about relationships and several self-suggestions that I deserve better treatment, little by little the woman in me began to “wake up.” I won’t say that it happened quickly, that something clicked. I’m generally like that, I’m not fast, I have to do everything thoroughly. And in this case, over and over again I stopped “giving up my boundaries” (that’s what I call what I began to defend my rights).

One evening Genka again began to criticize my cooking. I silently stood up, took his plate and threw the pilaf into the trash can. Then she said that I was leaving for dancing (I forgot to write to you, I signed up for belly dancing) and that he would not forget to feed the children, and then check how they did their homework. He was probably so stunned that he couldn’t say a word. I still don’t know what he ate then and what he fed the children :). I don’t remember how the dance lesson went then, I kept worrying about the children, then I thought that I would come, but my husband packed his things and left me with the children.

I came home late, because after training, my friend and I went to a cafe to drink tea and discuss the situation. She had been telling me for a long time that it was my own fault, so I urgently needed her support. I come home, look, the younger ones are sleeping, and the husband is talking about something with the older one. She didn’t bother them, she quietly went into the bedroom and apparently fell asleep from emotional stress.

In the morning I usually got up early, cooked breakfast for everyone, ironed my husband’s shirt, which one he chose in the morning. But that morning I just fed the children, got ready early, woke up my husband and said that the younger ones needed to be taken to kindergarten, but I needed to go to work early and that I would arrive late, since there was a regional inspection at work and they wouldn’t let me go early. All this is true, only before I tried to somehow sneak out early, asked my colleagues to “cover up” if anything happened, but now I didn’t do that. As much as possible, the family is on me, and in any case you can’t hide all this from the boss. Fortunately, he is a wise guy, he understands everything, but if he had been different, he would have fired him long ago.

All day at work I couldn’t find a place for myself, I thought that this time my husband would definitely send me “to hell.” And what do you think? I drove up to the entrance in the evening, it was already late, it was dark on the street, I saw a man standing near the entrance, he looked like my husband. I didn’t even believe it at first, I looked closer, it looked like my Genka. Why, I say, did you get carried away looking at the street at night? He grumbled that he “wanted to get some air.” Later, my eldest son told me that he and his father had organized “duty” to meet me in the evening. And at home a surprise awaited me - a burnt omelette on the table, and in the refrigerator there were fruits and wine, which I used to love very much.

That's how, step by step, I began to defend my boundaries. And after a while, my husband and eldest son decided to cook breakfast for the whole family in the morning, taking turns, so that I could sleep longer. After all, my life has become difficult and stressful. After work (by the way, I quit my part-time job and now I enjoy work again) I have dancing, if there is no dancing, then I definitely go for a manicure or hair styling, or my friends and I get together in a cafe, or I just walk around the city . It was as if I hadn’t lived for so many years, but existed and now I’m making up for lost time.

Most importantly, I gradually began to forgive my husband. Previously, I couldn’t even begin to do the forgiveness exercise for him. But the water wears away the stone, little by little I began to forgive him and I feel a warmth towards him began to appear in my soul. Yes, and I see how he has changed, how he is trying. And the other day, together with the children, they gave me a real holiday, gave me a lot of flowers, baked pancakes (then we all washed the kitchen together), and in the evening my husband invited me to the theater. When he gave the tickets, he was beaming with pride. He knows how much I used to adore the theater, but I haven’t gone to it for a hundred years.

So I think, how would I have enough intelligence and wisdom to continue to value myself. Yes, I hope that someday I will be able to forgive my husband for all the insults, because I myself am to blame for many things.

With gratitude for your articles and books, Galina.”

The second story. Timely.

- How should I behave? My beloved humiliates me in front of my friends, he can make cruel jokes and laugh. But I love him so much, I try to make sure everything is good in our relationship. I help him and support him when he feels bad. Why does he periodically behave so pigishly towards me? I try not to make him angry when he starts yelling at me or making fun of me among friends, I pretend that everything is fine or laugh with everyone. Although in my heart I am very hurt and offended. Sometimes I try to hold back so as not to cry or yell at him. But I think if I tell him everything, I won’t see him again. He will definitely leave me.

I am very afraid of losing him, but I can no longer tolerate the humiliation of my strength. Their boyfriends don’t treat my friends this way. Although they don’t tolerate everything like I do. One friend can periodically tell her man everything and throw him out the door. I look, and the very next day he runs to her with flowers to make peace.

Why do I try to be good for my beloved, so that he feels comfortable with me, but he only humiliates and ridicules me? I want love and care so much! And to be respected and appreciated! Help, what am I doing wrong?

How did this story end? The girl (Tatyana) quickly realized her mistake. After training to increase self-esteem (you can take this training in the book by R. Kirranov), she expressed her grievances and complaints to the young man.

This is what she wrote to me in a letter:

“Several days after I worked out to improve my self-esteem, I mustered all my courage to express my complaints to Igor. I wrote in a notebook everything that was unpleasant to me and began to wait for the right moment. Didn't have to wait longJ. On the weekend we went with friends out of town for a barbecue. And Igor showed himself “in all his glory.” He commanded me, made ugly jokes, and that time he already made insults. I didn’t start a scandal in front of my friends, I just stood up and calmly told him to apologize and not talk to me in that tone. That his jokes are unpleasant to me and in the future I will not tolerate this anymore. At first he was taken aback, then he somehow wilted and (I didn’t even expect it!) apologized.

And in the evening, when everyone had left, without any preamble, I told him everything I thought about his behavior. I think I got a little carried away here and there. But so much resentment and pain had accumulated in me that I no longer thought about our future. I simply told him and expressed everything that was unpleasant to me.

Igor called me a week later. I didn’t even wait anymore, I even started thinking about a new guy. He apologized for his behavior and offered to meet. When I arrived at the meeting (legally late, since the courses ended a little later), Igor was waiting for me with a huge bouquet of flowers and suggested that I go over the weekend to meet his parents. But before that, I repeatedly asked him about this, but he constantly found excuses!

Six months have passed and now our relationship is even better than at the very beginning. I really began to value myself more, I stopped praising Igor, I only praise him for his work or for his good attitude towards me!!

I understand that many more mistakes await me ahead. But most importantly, I realized that you should never allow yourself to be humiliated! And I also realized that very often we ourselves spoil a man with our idea of ​​​​what a woman should be. In fact, men are completely different!! This is an unknown world and everything is different for them. So now I’m studying not only floristry courses, but also actively studying male psychology!! Thank you for your help and for your wonderful site!”

Story three. Sad, educational, but with a happy ending.

The third story for this article was shared with me by Karina.

— I had to spend 2 years of my life, my self-esteem then fell “below the baseboard” and after that I spent another 3 years restoring it! And only then did I understand where and when I made a fatal mistake.

Do you remember 6 years ago Lera and I flew to Greece for a month?

- Yes I remember. You were still going through a hard time with your divorce from Sasha. The girls and I urgently chipped in for your trip. I remember that Lera organized your entire trip in a few days.

“If it weren’t for her, I might still be suffering with Sasha.” But how beautifully it all started. He is tall, handsome, charming. I am in love, like a March cat.

When we met, Sasha lived with his parents and worked in the suburbs. He had golden hands and had worked in a car repair shop for a long time. Less than a month passed before I started acting. As I now understand, it’s a systematic plan to ruin the man and our relationship. First of all, I invited him to move in with me; I just then bought an apartment with a mortgage and I really wanted to build a nest, not alone.

At first he was against it, arguing that a normal man should buy an apartment himself. Whatever he buys, then we’ll live with him. In the meantime, we can just meet at my place. But I'm stubborn, you know me. After another 2 months I achieved my goal. My joy knew no bounds. Yes, and we lived then in perfect harmony. He worked two to two, and when he was at home, he would meet me from work, go to the store for groceries, to a common paradise!

True, out of stupidity, I even then began to swear at him, that if he didn’t want to, he might not even meet me. Well, in the evenings he will be distracted from his business, maybe he’s watching football or talking with friends. She started grumbling that there was no need to cook, I would take care of him myself. He already works hard. And when winter began, that’s it, I signed a death sentence for our relationship.

At that time, he sold his car and saved for a new one, and got to work by train or minibus. At first I bought him warm mittens and socks. Then she began to convince him that such work could be found in the city, that you didn’t have to travel and be cold to do it. Although they paid well there, I made an argument that one of my clients, the director of a gas station chain, could get him a job in the city for a higher salary. In general, once again she achieved her goal and thereby signed our final verdict.

Sasha left his job, but didn’t start getting a new one. At first I thought that it was okay, let me rest for a month or two, I worked for so many years without a vacation. But I thought that he would at least look at the vacancies. Yes me too I agreed twice that he would come for an interview. He went, but he didn’t like it anywhere. I found some funny excuses. In the morning I left for work - she was still asleep, in the evening she came home late, began to take on more clients so that she had enough money, he sat in front of the TV drunk, there was trash around and he didn’t even meet me at the entrance. Yes, he started drinking after I told him that I was tired of dragging him around, that he could at least try to get a job.

But that's nothing. In the evenings we began to quarrel and he began to periodically call me names. Didn't do anything around the house at all. Even if it was necessary to nail a nail, I did it, although he had done it all perfectly before.

I suffered like this for about a year and at some point, after a difficult shift, it was like a spring burst inside me. I came and after his next insult, I began to silently pack his things. He didn’t say anything, took the bag, slammed the door.....and that was it.

Can you imagine how bad we women can be! I thought then that he would come to his senses and crawl to me in a week. Or at least call. After all, we lived together for two years! And he just left and that’s it. I almost went crazy. Thank you Lera saw that I was going to call him myself and ask him to come back and organized that trip. But I suffered for another year, I couldn’t understand how it was possible to just disappear and not even call. Of course, my self-esteem fell then..... I’m no longer a girl, and I have no luck with men. It seems like I’m dating someone normal, but we’ll wait a while and that’s how the relationship ends (Sasha at that time was already the third person I lived with and everything was repeated almost exactly the same. Some started drinking, while others got completely impudent and women went into the house drove).

Well, then you and I began to communicate a lot and you gradually brought me to the idea that it could be not only about men, but about me. So I saw in myself a program of how I turn a normal man into a monster. Then I began to notice such situations among my friends. I've already told you these stories. Gradually, I began to write down my mistakes and decided that until I eliminated this desire to do everything for a man, I would not start a new relationship. What's the point? It will still end the same way.

- Yes, I remember that time. At first you came to your senses, the girls and I took you to different cinemas, cafes and gyms. Just to help you somehow. But what made me most happy was the conversation when you brought a notebook and showed me a list of your mistakes. Then your eyes began to glow and the girls and I realized that we didn’t have to worry about you anymore.

- How everything has changed! It seems that not much time has passed, but it seems that everything happened in a past life. Do you know when I definitely realized that it was all about me? When, 3 years later, I met Sasha in the store....with his wife. He was well dressed, carried bags in one hand, and hugged his wife with the other. We had a good chat, he even introduced me to his Lena. He said that he opened his own auto repair shop and bought an apartment, planning to build a house, as they were expecting a new addition to the family. I looked at his wife and was once again convinced that you can’t behave like a man with men. She looked at him with such a look... how can I tell you, in that look there was some kind of humility and expectation of heroic deeds from a man, and at the same time pride and self-respect. I don’t know how she did it, but the result is obvious.

When I met him at the right time, something inside me released me. And not even a week had passed since my Leshka met me.

How did this story end?

“As soon as I realized my mistakes, I met Lesha.” In the first months, I communicated with him almost “on paper.” I came home after dates and re-read my list with errors. Then she sat down and remembered our meeting. If I found some mistake, I tried not to behave like that next time.

All my attempts to make decisions for him, to take responsibility, to drag him back into my apartment - I cut them all out. And here is the result...

At that moment, a tall, stately man just entered the salon. I said hello, it was Lesha, Karina’s husband.

- Karin, where are you, the twins and I have been waiting for you for over an hour. We went on all the rides where they take small children twice. You're hungry. Let's come and join us and chat at home over tea. I'll put the boys to bed myself, they won't bother you.

Well, we did not refuse such an offer, both of us having already learned that it is better to encourage a man’s initiative. We also picked up Lera and went to the hospitable house of Karina and Lesha.

In the evening, when everyone had settled down, and the girls and I settled down in the living room, I asked Karina why she asked me a question about relationships, because now everything is fine with her. To which she replied that you should never relax. That she still periodically re-reads that list of her mistakes and tries to visualize the kind of relationship she would like to see in her family.

But the main thing she understood was that you don’t need to dissolve in men, they don’t appreciate it.

Such stories can be described endlessly. How many women, so many similar stories. And some will experience more than one or even two similar situations in their lives. Why do we tolerate this kind of attitude? And most importantly, why do we ourselves, with our own hands, with our actions and actions, turn a normal, loving and caring man into some kind of inadequate animal?

How much pain and humiliation we are sometimes willing to endure, just not to be left alone. For many years, a woman endures, tries to “smooth out the rough edges,” pretends that everything suits her, supports and helps when a man feels bad and doesn’t ask for anything in return when she herself needs help.

Here is the first, and it is almost the only mistake on the part of a woman, why over the years the man in the family ceases to respect and appreciate her. The woman herself does everything possible for such treatment: she endures
humiliation, does not require respectful treatment in the family and in front of strangers, does not ask for help, and most importantly, treats the loved one as an unadapted child who cannot take care of himself. You read above about what all this leads to. I recommend that you read about how to avoid this, and what other mistakes you should not make, in the first book by R. Kirranov "Don't run after a man, let him run after you". With the author's permission, I will quote you a few paragraphs from this wonderful book:

Sixth. Allow yourself to be weak and imperfect from time to time.

Every man’s dream is a woman who is periodically weak in some matters and, of course, an imperfect woman. After all, nothing irritates women more than their “ideality”. Of course, a man is unlikely to express dissatisfaction out loud with such a quality as “ideality,” but inside, the irritation can be decent. If the relationship is just beginning, then you can escape from such “ideality”.

What is female weakness and what is imperfection? As always, a couple of examples are better than a perfect definition, which I’m especially not very good at.

Once I had to accompany one of my distant relatives, who was about 60 years old. When I did this, my relative had with her two rather heavy bags, even by my standards. Of course, without thinking too much, I took the bags and was just about to leave when my relative began to take the bags away and said that she would carry them herself. She was even offended by my objections. As a result, I was unable to snatch the bags, and I walked light all the way, while my relative carried heavy bags. The feeling was unpleasant, but I didn’t want to fight with her.

Family relations with this relative of mine, as you understand, are not very good. The example with bags is just a habit of trying to be better than a man and everyone in general in everything. This is apparently something like a subconscious belief: “If I am better, then they will love and respect me.”

However, in life in general, and in relationships between men and women, such a belief does not work. Of course, a weak person is annoying when he himself cannot do anything and only whines and gives excuses.

However, the stronger person in a relationship between a man and a woman should be the man, not the woman. This is my deep conviction. A woman may not be too weak, but she should be weaker than her man. Or at least weaker than men in certain matters, at certain times. Well, or at least create the appearance that she is weaker (this is the minimum).

Another small example. There is a slight difference between women who get married and those who cannot get married for a long time. (35 years and older) I do not claim that this is the law, but if you want, you can observe for yourself. Women who get married do not know how to do men's duties. And if they arise (faucets, electrics, heavy things, etc. begin to leak), then they ooh, ahh, express “wise thoughts” on how to fix everything, and then begin to look for men who will fix it all.

I didn’t mean that they are looking for suitors in this way - it’s just a habit; if anything happens, then you need to call for help from a man who understands this better. If this turned out to be not entirely true, then you can make fun of the man, but they won’t do it themselves.

Women who do not marry know how to do men's duties. If something happens, they start to figure it out, look for tools, ask other women to help, and in the end, they do everything.

And don't tell me that women who didn't get married lived alone for a long time, so they learned. There are a lot of examples when a woman lives alone for a long time and does not “learn” anything in this sense. Such women are much more likely to get married. And this is not at all an indicator that a woman cannot figure out leaking taps, broken switches or broken computers. Maybe, or whatever it may be. Only apparently consciously or subconsciously avoids such “training”. After all, after “training” it is much more difficult to establish relationships with men.

In total, if a woman shows her weakness, then she becomes much more attractive in the eyes of a man. A classic example is the film “Office Romance,” where the heroine was a very “strong” woman who didn’t have a husband until she was 40. And at one point she cried, that is, she showed her weakness, and after that everything went smoothly. The man began to perceive her as a woman.

Therefore, women, you don’t need to be too strong, show your weakness, and your relationships with men will become much better.

The second question is basically related to the first. Imperfection and female weakness are, in general, similar things, but still I separated them into different categories.

If female weakness usually manifests itself on male territory, or general territory, then imperfection manifests itself on female territory.

Women's territory is clothing, cleanliness (in the house, body, dishes, floors, carpets, etc.). Children, relationships with family and relatives, behavior at the table, etc.

A man, in general, usually admits that he does not decide anything on women’s territory and tries, if possible, to maintain the order established by the woman.

However, sometimes it comes down to everything being perfect. Ideally you need to sit upright, ideally you need to put away the dishes and ideally wipe and fold them evenly. And if he did it wrong, then the woman can do it over.

Ideally, you need to eat (do not slurp, do not throw, etc.). It is not even necessary for a woman to say her dissatisfaction out loud. It's enough to make her unhappy inside.

And this applies not only to the man himself. But a woman who strives for the perfect hairstyle, perfect makeup, etc., greatly irritates a man (especially young men who are not yet accustomed to women).

I've already said it, but I'll say it again. A man will never appreciate your efforts in hairstyle and cosmetics. I understand that you will still do your hair and use makeup, but at least don’t try too hard, and don’t be upset if it doesn’t work out.

Therefore, you don’t need to be an ideal woman - this greatly scares or irritates men.

If a man comes up to meet someone, most likely he is unsure and afraid of rejection, and if a woman puts on a mask of inaccessibility, this will not help the acquaintance. It is much better if the man feels that the woman is also insecure about something. (If this is the case, of course.) Therefore, if you are not very confident, then there is no need to hide it.

If you fell, tore your tights, spilled something on yourself, etc., then do not think that everyone will only remember this story, even if there were witnesses and some laughed. It’s the other way around: after such a story, a man can pay attention to you, and the manifestation of your weakness can be interpreted by him as that you are a woman and can be courted.

Sincerely, Anastasia Gai.