Adult children do not want to communicate with their parents: help from a psychologist. Why do adult children not want to communicate with their parents? Do you communicate with your parents

Stopping contact with parents is a very difficult task. But what if it's the toxic parents (or one of them) who is poisoning your existence? In that case, you will definitely need these guidelines to help you through this difficult process.

Know that you are not alone

Books like Toxic Parents and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, as well as various online resources, are a great way to get started. Group therapy, if you have one in your city, is also a very valuable resource. And if you know people who are in a similar situation, you can take them with you - it will be very helpful. Discussing the situation with others can help you recognize the key traits of toxic parents and also make you feel like a complete person.

Give up insults and playing psychologist

You definitely shouldn't be diagnosing your parents and telling them out loud. Also, do not listen to such diagnoses of your mental state on his part. Insults, whether they are abstract or targeted at specific traits ("narcissist" or "bipolar"), only fuel the dynamics of the conflict, instead of bringing clarity and decision. Mental health diagnostics are very useful, but only when they are handled by professionals. Otherwise, it can be harmful, especially if such a diagnosis is used as a way to humiliate and insult someone.

Explore Options

Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do that will allow me to maintain any kind of relationship with my parents while maintaining my mental health and overall well-being?” Take some time to think so that when you make a decision, you can have a clear conscience, instead of questioning your decision out of guilt and anxiety.

Clearly communicate your intentions and motivations

Make sure that what you are doing is not done out of anger or out of a desire to elicit a certain reaction from someone. It's about setting boundaries and moving on with your own life. This is not a declaration of war or manipulation. It's not unusual for there to be a lot of anger and pain in this issue, so you need to deal with your own pain first so that it's not the basis for your decisions.

Accept that you cannot know the future

Perhaps the conditions will change, and in the future you will form a healthy and functional relationship. Probably no. If you don't set yourself up for a specific outcome, you can create a space for yourself where you can live in peace, no matter how the future unfolds. You should close the door right now if you need to to protect yourself. You have the right to do so. However, if your parents show in the future that they are working on how they treated you, then it is worth remembering that people can change. Especially when they discover the appropriate resources that will enable them to make such a change.

Let brothers and sisters go through this on their own

Relationships of each family member with parents can be completely different. Perhaps your brother or your sister will be able to maintain a relationship. They may also need to cut ties with their parents, but they also want to do it at their own pace and on their own terms. You can talk to them and offer your support, but you need to make it clear that you don't want to force anyone to choose sides. The less family drama the better.

Let go of the desire to make your parents understand you

If your parents are toxic enough to agree to a lack of communication, they can create a lot of negative feelings and reactions in you: guilt, introspection, manipulation, shifting responsibility, devaluation, and so on, to try to prevent you from setting the boundaries that you so badly need. They may try to shift the responsibility to you, no matter how reasonable and logical you state the reasons why you decided to make this choice. You don't have to keep fighting this battle that you can't win. You can let go and leave. There is no point in trying to "make" someone think, believe, understand or do anything in such a situation.

Recognize that others may not understand your choice.

People who choose to cut ties with their parents may face social stigma. Family members, friends, and others may have opinions about your choices, and some may not understand or respect them. People may want to hear reasons and excuses. This often results in you making up stories that will please others rather than helping you through the process. If you feel it is worth it, you can participate in conversations about your choice and explain why you made it, but how often and how actively you do this is up to you.

Constantly allow yourself to let go of guilt

A very important part of the healing process in this case is letting go of the guilt and shame associated with the fact that you ended the relationship and let go of the situation. Often, the parents you break up with are the people who raised and provided for you, at least to some extent. You can be grateful for them and maintain your boundaries at the same time. It is very easy to feel guilty because you supposedly "owe" your parents, but it was your parents who decided to give you life, and it was their duty to provide for you. Parents will always be parents, no matter the age of the child. If conflict resolution is possible, it always starts with the parents. You do not have to stick to your parents if they continue to insult you and bring only chaos into your life. Speaking of which, it's worth noting that many toxic parents try to deny their children's independence or use gifts as a means to their own ends, which in no way means you have a healthy relationship with them.

Practice constant self-care

If you're dealing with toxic parents, it can be debilitating and often traumatic. Therapy is a key decision if it is available to you. It is very important to talk to someone who is not involved in this conflict so that you can make a rational decision based on reason and compassion. In addition to therapy, you can choose to take various forms of self-care, such as yoga, meditation, and journaling, which will allow you to continuously practice mindfulness.

Build close and healthy relationships with others and take care of them

If you are estranged from your family, you should try to create your own "chosen" family. Your best friend who has always been like a brother to you, your mentor who is a strong and positive role model in your life, a community or group of friends who are like family to you are all relationships that you need to take care of and that you should spend time on. All people have a biological innate desire to form bonds, and if you have lost connections in the person of your parents, it is best to create a new healthy relationship in their place.

If you believe in your child, and not in God, and live only for him, then a terrible rejection from you arises in his heart, which he cannot overcome in any way.

Sometimes it happens that children, having ceased to be under the influence of their parents, cease to communicate with them. At the same time, it may be that there were no quarrels, just an adult daughter or son begins to move away. Having left to live in a separate apartment, they stop calling and asking their parents how things are going, come to visit. Parents do not understand this behavior, and they usually ask their children if everything is in order. Hearing that everything is fine, and in general there are no problems, the parents remain at a loss as to what is the reason for the absence of the former warmth in the relationship. In this article, we will analyze why this situation occurs and what can be a way out.

About the reasons for the situation

Oleg Gennadievich, at numerous consultations and answers to questions, claims that there is only one reason why children do not talk to their parents - just a mother or father (most often a mother) really wants to experience happiness from her child. And God in his heart protests this, because He wants parents to learn to believe not in children, but in Him. But a mother, as a rule, wants to live not with her own happiness, but with the happiness of her child. And this is normal for a mother, because all women live the happiness of their relatives: husband, children, parents. The female psyche is so arranged that she experiences happiness not from her own life, but from the life of those she loves. But there is one thing here.

If you believe in your child, and not in God, and live only for him, then a terrible rejection from you arises in his heart, which he cannot overcome in any way. In such a situation, even if he begins to communicate with his mother, what does she do? She immediately begins to demand more communication from him. But he already gives her as much as he can, so her questions are very annoying: “Why do you communicate with me so rarely? Why do not you call me?" etc. As a rule, a mother in this state cannot even talk normally to her daughter or son when they call her. She immediately remembers that she misses their communication, and begins to demand more attention.

“You don’t have to think that the child doesn’t care. He, too, worries and worries, but he cannot call his mother, because she immediately begins to bill him, begins to put pressure on him with her emotions, complaining that he does not call. She may not even say it, but she thinks so. In a word, we can strain our loved ones so much that they cannot even stand it. This is beyond their strength. And there is only one reason why we do this - we want to experience happiness not from God, but from a loved one. This is attachment. This means that if we want to experience great happiness from something, we will 100% experience great suffering. Where he became attached, it means that suffering will come from there, - notes Oleg Gennadievich.

About maternal affection

All women are very attached to their children, especially to their sons. As a result, they begin to act up, push their mothers away from them. They cannot withstand this onslaught. Therefore, the Vedas say that a woman should stop being dependent on her child and, in general, on loved ones. She must be dependent on God. You need to learn to give your life to God, and not to the child, because the child only deteriorates from this.

If a mother keeps her son near her and does not want to give him to the army, then she thus curses his life. If, on the contrary, she says with faith in her voice: “Go and defend your homeland, I will pray for you,” then she blesses him. And here you need to think: do you want to curse your child or bless? Because when we are in a scarce state, on emotions, then we simply drink the blood of our loved one. We curse him. You can, of course, say that this is not so, because it is very difficult to agree with this.

- A mother is strongly connected by heart with her son, and if she demands more happiness from him, then she thus draws strength from him. This is your child, and you take away his strength in this state. His vitality is dwindling from the fact that you constantly want to enjoy a relationship with him. This is the selfishness of the mother, and it destroys the life of the child. This applies to all mothers, - emphasizes Oleg Torsunov.

However, if we bless our child, pray for him, take strength from God, then in this case we put strength into him, and then our hearts become quiet, calm and joyful. We have faith that everything will be fine with me and the child, and I don’t have to communicate with him too often. But if we just worry, it means that we are lazy at heart.

About the difficult astrological period

If a son or daughter does not communicate with parents, then this also means that he (she) most likely has a difficult astrological period, which simply takes away the opportunity to warmly communicate with loved ones. Therefore, in this case, prayer is needed. You need to tune in to God, to those who pray, and try to forget about the child. At this point, you will feel how it becomes easier for him. First your anxiety will pass, which means you are already defeating his fate. But when a person worries and does nothing at the same time - this is called laziness of the soul. A lazy soul constantly complains and does nothing.

For example, you have a mess in the kitchen. There are two options: you can sit down and start lamenting, or you can take and wash the dishes. But in order to wash, we need to calm down, because when we are worried, we cannot take serious actions. Therefore, a person has two ways to live: one is to worry and the other is to wash one's life. And there is a very interesting point here.

- All women are convinced that when they worry about their child, they do him good, that in this case they are righteous. Remember: worrying about your child is very bad. If you have anxiety about him, take and think about God, start praying and conquer this anxiety in yourself, and then it will be good. And the fact that you are worried, you do not need to justify yourself with this. It doesn't mean that you are so sublime because you are worried about your child. We must pray, not worry, - emphasizes Oleg Gennadievich.

On Prayer That Conquers Destiny

If you pray and the worry does not go away, it does not mean that it is a useless activity. The question is only in the amount of work, in how much effort you need to make. Some people think that while praying, you should think about your object of prayer, but this is not so. During prayer, you need to forget about the source of your worries and think about God, only then will it become easier for your loved one. When you pray like that, you give him strength. But you give him not your strength, but the strength of God.

God helps when we forget about ourselves, and this is very difficult. Thinking about your son also means thinking about yourself, because at this moment we are thinking about our destiny, and our children are also our destiny, so it's still the same activity.

- Often a woman thinks that if she thinks about her child, then she does not think about herself. Just thinking about himself. In this case, it is necessary to distract from oneself, otherwise it will be impossible to defeat fate. Pray and think about God, and then He will begin to cleanse the fate of your loved one with incredible power. It will be a miracle for you. At first, you will feel that it has become easier for you, which means that he felt better, because he will not tell you this, but it will become easier for you, - explains Oleg Torsunov.

At the first stage of victory over fate comes calmness. At the second stage, a loved one begins to listen and perceive us, and at the third stage, he begins to conquer his fate himself. So you can help a loved one. But it doesn't happen quickly, it lasts for months. This recipe is universal in any life situation and is applicable not only when there are problems with children. This is the law of a happy life, which makes it possible to defeat fate, no matter what trials are in store for us.

As a rule, it is not easy for children and parents to establish an open dialogue. Parents often think that they are breaking boundaries, and children think that parents are simply not interested in listening to them. If it seems to you that your parents are too critical, or you are very embarrassed to even start a conversation with them, then a conversation plan and some communication rules will come to the rescue.

Steps

Part 1

Take courage. Whatever you are going to talk about, it is important to understand one thing: as soon as you talk to your parents, you immediately feel better. No need to worry, worry or be shy, as parents are always ready to help. They may even know more than you think.

Don't worry about your parents getting upset or reacting badly. If you prepare and do everything right, then the conversation will develop properly. Parents worry about their children because they care about them and want only the best. Therefore, they will be very happy that you turned to them for advice.

Don't walk away from the conversation. A problem or embarrassment won't go away if you just walk away from talking to your parents. It is important to speak out to relieve stress. Think about what your parents will try to understand and solve the problem. Such thoughts will help you get rid of stress and anxiety.

Decide who to talk to. Do you want to talk to both parents, or is it better for your mother to help you in this situation? Relationships with both parents are different, so think about what to do.

• Some topics are easier to discuss with a parent. For example, mom reacts more calmly, and dad can flare up. In this case, it is better to first talk with mom, and then discuss the situation with dad together.
• It should be understood that the parents are likely to tell each other about your conversation, even if you only talk to one of them. It's best to talk to both at once, but it doesn't hurt to enlist the support of one of them if that makes it easier for you. For example, you do not need to move away from your dad by talking about school bullies to your mom alone. Ask your mom how best to tell dad about this if you're worried he'll get mad because you didn't stand up for yourself.

1. Choose a time and place to talk. Find out when parents will be free to choose the right time. Parents don't need to be distracted by the upcoming meeting or the need to prepare dinner. It is equally important to choose the right place so that you are not distracted by colleagues from your parents or a working TV.

   Consider the consequences. Whatever you want to get out of the conversation, parents can give you several different answers. Get ready for everything. Ideally, the conversation should go your way, but don't worry if it doesn't. You are not alone, as teachers and adult relatives will always come to the rescue.

   • If the result does not suit you, then try the following:
     • Talk to your parents again. Perhaps you just chose the wrong moment. If they are upset, they are unlikely to be able to openly and calmly talk to you. For example, don't ask permission to go to a dance if you make them late for their sister's rehearsal.
     • Stop trying. There is no point in angering your parents and depriving yourself of the chance to get what you want in the near future. If a polite and open conversation took place between you, after which both parties remained unconvinced, then accept the point of view of the parents. Show maturity by showing respect for other people's opinions so that in the future parents will better perceive your words and understand that you are able to control emotions.
     • Get outside support. Reach out to grandparents, friends' parents, or teachers to defend your point of view. Parents are always trying to protect you, so by seeking outside help, you will convince them that there are ways to resolve the situation. For example, you can ask your older brother to tell your parents that you want to go to a place they are going to soon, so they can let you down and make sure you're all right.

Part 3

1. Your thought should be clear and understandable. Be direct about what you think, feel or want to receive. In such a situation, it is easy to get nervous and speak incoherently. Prepare for a conversation to relax. Give specific examples so that parents can interpret everything correctly.

   Be sincere. Don't exaggerate and don't lie. It's hard to hide emotions if the topic is important to you. Speak sincerely and make sure that your parents do not let your words fall on deaf ears. If you have previously deceived your parents or embellished the situation, then it will be difficult for them to believe you. Be persistent.

   Understand the parent's point of view. Suggest a possible reaction. Have you already talked about similar topics? If you know that your parents will refuse or disagree with you, then say that you understand the reasons for such a decision. Show that you understand their motives, and then parents will better perceive your words.

   • For example, if your parents don't want you to have a cell phone, then say, “Mom, dad, I know you don't want to buy me a phone. It costs a lot of money and requires a responsible attitude, so you think that children of my age do not need it. You are aware that my classmates have phones, and you consider this an overkill, since they only play games and look at photos on Instagram. What if I have accumulated the required amount and can buy a phone with my own money? You can check all the games and apps you have downloaded, and I will use my phone to alert you if you are late for training or when you are on the house phone with grandma.”

2. Don't argue and don't cry. Be polite and show your maturity. It is better to do without sharp remarks if you do not agree with the parents. Talk to your parents the way you want them to talk to you.

   Talk to one of the parents. In some cases, it is better to talk only with mom or only with dad. For example, sometimes it’s easier to discuss studies with dad, and romantic relationships with mom. Choose the most suitable person.

   Time and place. During the conversation, it is important to get the full and undivided attention of the parents. Do not start a conversation in crowded places or during a short break. Let them understand everything they hear and do not start an important conversation at the wrong time.

   Listen carefully to your parents. Don't get distracted thinking about the best answer. It is important to listen to the words of parents and respond appropriately to them. People often get distracted by outside thoughts if they don't get the response they want right away.

   • You can even repeat the words of your parents to make sure that you understand everything correctly and show your own attentiveness.

3. Express your opinions one by one. The conversation should not turn into a monologue, so you need to ask questions and find the right words if you cannot be understood. Do not interrupt or raise your voice. If your parents are upset, then say something like this: “I understand that you are upset. Let's continue the conversation later, when you feel better, to constructively solve the problem.

Part 4

1. Try to anticipate the outcome. Most likely, you expect one or more of the following results from the conversation:

   • you want your parents to listen and understand your point of view without advice or comments;
   • want support or permission;
   • want advice or help;
   • feel the need to decide on further actions in case of a problem;
   • want to be treated fairly.

2. Understand your feelings and talk about them. It can be difficult for you, especially when you need to talk about sex or reveal a secret. It's normal to feel awkward or anxious when discussing a sensitive topic with your parents. Identify your feelings and share them with your parents to ease your mind.

   • For example, if you are worried that your parents will be upset, then immediately say about it: “Mom, I know that you warned me about this and my words will upset you, but it is very important for me that you listen to me and help.”
   • If your parents are very impressionable and you can expect a sharp response or refusal, then say that you expected this development of events, but still gathered the courage to talk to them. Act prudently and defuse the situation with positivity: “Dad, I know how angry you will be, but I need to say this because I understand that you love and respect me, and you are only angry because you want the best for me.”

The question is relevant for many parents (a question from Tatyana, a reader of our blog). Indeed, it often happens that children grow up, go into adulthood and stop paying attention to their parents, and some are not interested in their life at all. Of course, this is not entirely normal, to put it mildly. But, like any problem, this phenomenon also has its root causes, which we will consider in this article.

When you observe the situation that children, roughly speaking, “do not give a damn” about their parents who are no longer young, who can’t always take care of themselves, especially in old age, this causes at least sadness and regret, and often contempt for such ungrateful overgrown children. But this is a fact that many parents have to put up with if they do not know how to influence the situation and change it for the better.

There is another side to this issue! It must be said that quite often it is the parents, their inappropriate behavior towards their children, that is the reason for such a detachment of their children. And in order to change the situation and return the love and attention of your children, you must first of all start working on yourself for the parents themselves!

Reasons why children do not want to communicate with their parents

1. The obsession of parents, their excessive guardianship- often they are direct violence against the soul of the child, psychological pressure that absolutely no one likes! In this case, the child, small or large, will try to escape from such “care”. And right! Otherwise, he simply cannot learn to build his own life on his own.

And the constant pressure from the side of the parent will form in the child a steady rejection of his father or mother, up to hatred.Parents - do you need it?

2. Condemnation of any or many of your child's actions and lifestyle to the point of contempt for him! A parent, if he wants reciprocal gratitude and love from children, should strive to learn to love his children unconditionally and accept them as they are. And do not try to forcibly remake everything in the child that he does not like, showing his disgust, contempt, expressing condemnation in words and behavior. This will form an impenetrable shell, a wall between parent and child! And where there is - there is no love and gratitude, care and trust, warmth and affection!

3. Selfishness of the parents themselves! It usually sounds like this: - “You are an ungrateful pig, we took care of you, gave birth to raised, and you ....”, - when initially the parents have the position that the children now owe them the coffin of life, because they gave birth to and raised them. Here you need to understand that the care of children, their gratitude can only come from their hearts, from feelings that should be born naturally. Such feelings can only be born as a response to the disinterested love of parents, and not to selfish love, when it seems that parents gave birth only for this, so that later, in old age, their children would nurse them.

Nothing will work out if you are trying to beat out gratitude, respect, love and care for yourself by force, from your children. These high feelings and sincere attitude must be earned by your correct behavior and attitude. By your example of this most sincere love, first of all!

4. Injustice shown in childhood and not only! A good parent should strive to love their children with unconditional love and at the same time try to be an impartial, strict and fair educator. This approach is the best heritage of the most worthy knightly and aristocratic families of the valiant past.

It is difficult for our children (actually any person) to forgive injustice and deceit. If, for example, parents rigidly demand something from the child, but they themselves do not fulfill it in life, this is not an example - the child always sees and feels falsehood, and simply, sooner or later, will lose faith in his parents, as in honest and fair people. Then, they will cease to be authorities for him, they will lose the respect of their children and a natural question arises: - "What is the point of communicating with such people?"

5. When children are simply not interested in their parents! Why? This happens when parents, when children appear, completely switch to them and abandon their own lives, that is, they stop taking care of themselves, grow personally, strive for a career, etc. As a result, children outgrow their parents personally, become charismatically, intellectually, energetically stronger than them, and they become not interested with their parents - there is nothing to talk about, there are no common interests, mutual understanding, respectively, is also less and less.

And if parents are progressive people, they take care of their children and do not forget about themselves, then children, as a rule, will always be interested with them, and respect for such parents is an order of magnitude greater than for those who do not want to achieve anything in life after the children left.

6. When children were not taught to be grateful and appreciate what they have, including parents! Respect is given to the one who respects himself, and gratitude to the one who values ​​himself and his work.

Of course, gratitude and respect must be cultivated, and care for parents too (their value in the lives of children), but do this not intrusively, but by your own example. There is such a wise expression - "The luxury of human communication." Create such a luxury in your family and children will always strive for you, want to communicate and spend time together.

Nobody wants a jar of spiders, right?

What can you do to improve your relationship with your children?

1. On all of the above points, to realize where you were wrong and, first of all, before the Higher Powers that gave you your children. Read more.

3. Take care of yourself, set new goals in life and start developing yourself, start paying attention to your body and yourself!

4. If there are difficult situations in the past, psychological traumas and conflicts, etc., then it is best to work them out with a professional healer. Write to me if you are ripe for such a job, I will give you contacts of a good one.

5. Try to talk to the children, sincerely about everything, to really apologize for your wrong actions in the past. A sincere conversation can always melt the ice of resentment so that new or dormant feelings break through. But, for such a conversation, you need to be ready yourself.