An everyday story about how a man left his family at the most difficult moment and went to a young mistress. Why? Sad love stories
Question to the psychologist:
To say that it was a bolt from the blue for me is to say nothing. I returned home with the children after a vacation and my husband on the very first evening told me: "I fell in love with another." I was confused ... We always believed that the family is the most important thing in life. He always assured me that he loved me and the children and would never leave us. He condemned and did not understand other men who did this.
A month has passed since this conversation. There were many mutual claims. He tried to get back to the kids (not me) 3 times!!! couldn't. After many conversations, he said that his mistress gives him freedom in sex, which he dreamed about all these years, that he did not need my care for him, nor my love, nor the delicious dinner that I always tried to please my beloved man.
I lost myself in him and the children. This is probably my biggest mistake. I forgot about my career, about myself, turned a blind eye to the fact that he stopped giving me time and delighting me with some elementary trifles, he did not help me around the house (I ran to wash dishes in the toilet for 3 years and cooked on a portable stove, because that he could not earn money for the kitchen). He asked me to be patient a little more ... That's it, he will have a stable and high income, that's when everything will be. I dutifully waited.
The second child is a little over a year old, the first is a schoolboy... Both boys who need a male upbringing and which they don't get in the end, because he is at work all the time. I took on my shoulders the whole life, raising children, freeing my husband so that he could work quietly and provide for his family. As a result, I did not receive any material well-being, or family comfort, or female happiness.
In all couples there is a period of cooling to each other. More than once I tried to bring him to a conversation, so that he would tell me that he was not satisfied with me, because I already felt very indifferent. He always said that everything was fine, there were a couple of moments, but they were not significant, and he kept postponing this "serious" conversation until later.
And then there was SHE. She confessed her love to him, knowing full well that he had a family, two children (one of them was recently born), she said that she was divorcing her husband for him. Nevertheless, she decided to arrange her happiness like this by breaking 2 families. And so my husband was changed. No one will recognize him, not me, not his parents, not his brothers, not his friends. These are two different people. So this second person turned out to need only sex. This was the most important thing in his life.
He does not live with us, he does not see children for weeks, but with all this, he claims that he did not leave the children, he only left me. I want to say one more thing, he left us without a livelihood. I do not work, I sit with a small child, whom I still breastfeed. I live in another city and my parents cannot help me get a job. We don't have a personal apartment. He said that he would provide for us, but in fact it turned out that I had to call and just beat him for a penny in order to feed the children and buy them clothes.
But he claims!!! that he loves children and did not leave them, that he will bring them up. How can you raise children without living with them, without seeing how they grow and develop, without knowing them???
To be honest, I don't know what to do... Is it good or bad to leave children without a father, is such a father needed? I don't want to fight for him and I won't. Too painful, insulting and dirty all he did. He trampled on my soul, which I hardly opened for him, trampled on my feelings, trampled on our family, which we built for 15 years. But I can't get it out of my head either. All the same, 15 years is a long time, during which he became the closest and dearest person to me. How can I restore peace of mind? How to stop thinking about all this? How to let go of the situation and start living anew, start building a new life? Please help me sort everything out and understand if our relationship has a future.
The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.
Sophia, hello!
Of course, you can talk a lot about the mistakes made. As with yours, and from the husband. And the fact that you disappeared into the family is not the only mistake, although it certainly is. But your questions are different - how to live on, how to let go of the situation, how to recover. And do children need "such a father"? This is what we will focus on.
Both you and I know that any children need a father. And you don't have to be a psychologist to do it. Do you need "such a father"? This one is what? He is the one for you. And for the kids, he remains so far just a dad. They will not yet share your changed attitude towards him. But you write that he has not dealt with them before. Well then, what's the question? Try to build the most acceptable communication with his children from the current situation. That's all you can do. After all, even if now we find out that anyone and in any form needs a father, how will you return him to the family for the sake of the children? No way. Therefore, proceed from the current situation. And do not poison yourself with unnecessary questions, the answers to which will not change anything and will only hurt you even more.
How to let go of the situation? I am not a supporter of advice like “time heals”. As if you have to sit down and wait until it is forgotten by itself. We build our lives with our own hands. And if such a traumatic event happened in your life, you are involved in this, no matter how painful it is to realize. And, therefore, there are lessons and experiences that you can take for yourself from this. For the future. To never repeat mistakes again and never again go through such trials again. In order to let go of the situation as soon as possible, it is necessary to work it out. It is necessary to disassemble everything in it on the shelves, analyze and draw conclusions for yourself. Then the consciousness will easily be released and will be ready to calmly breathe further. Because all questions will be answered, all ambiguities will become obvious. But this is a very difficult task and a huge job. Usually it is done in collaboration with a psychotherapist. Therefore, my recommendation - if there is at least some possibility - seek psychological help. Perhaps in your city there are centers for providing free crazy. help. Find out.
But in general, all you can do is try your best to fill each day with as many genuine smiles as possible. At least one! If you can't smile, stand in front of a mirror and just stretch your lips into a smile! Over time, if you do this regularly, you will begin to believe that you really smile, and then the day will come when you sincerely smile at your reflection and everything will start to get better! Your task is not to slide into the abyss. At least hold on, do not fall into apathy and depression. Take care of children, business, home. Take a break from heavy thoughts. Try not to constantly think about who is to blame, why everything happened this way, why and what's next. Further - you have every day that you need to live as brightly as possible. For every bright, pure thought - praise yourself. For every minute without thinking about this whole situation - reward yourself with something! Just live. And remember that man was created for joy. And sadness, grief, depression - kills us. And you need someone in this world ... remember about the kids.
And the last. You would like to understand whether your relationship has a future... For what? What will give you the answer to this question? For example, I would say yes, there is. How will this affect your life today? And if I say no, there is no future. What will it give you? It is quite obvious that he is not yet ready and does not want to return to you. Take a break from this. And looking for salvation in a ghostly future will not bring relief in today's situation, Sophia.
I sincerely wish you spiritual strength to survive this ordeal in life. And I wish you to restore your peace of mind as soon as possible. You have children who are very dependent on you. Make it your incentive. This will help you find harmony.
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I read a lot of stories on Bebik in which girls are abandoned with children, go to mistresses, marry new passions, do not pay alimony to their children. How girls try to fight for their family, cling to husbands, loved ones, without whom, as it seems to them, life does not make sense. I want to write my personal experience that I experienced myself and still worry about, but already at the finish line to a happy and joyful life. Maybe it will help someone and give an opportunity to look at their circumstances from a different perspective. And to understand that her story is not unique and you need to adequately go through the trials that have come into your life, understand why this vital lesson was sent to you and get out, and not crawl out of the situation. Not with the feeling of a victim or a beaten dog, but a woman with a strong spirit, responsible for her life. Who worked on herself and her life, was able to survive this difficult stage, learned valuable lessons from it. Learned to be a happy and self-sufficient person. She boldly goes through life and is not afraid to face difficulties.
A year ago, my husband left me and my son, went to his mistress 7 years younger than himself, who at that moment was at the stage of breaking off relations with her husband and she had a daughter from marriage, they all worked together at the same enterprise. She knew that he not free, but she was not stopped either by the fact that I don’t work and I can’t support myself and the only breadwinner in the family is my husband, nor the fact that our son is very small and in general the child needs a father (this is especially important for a boy). Neither is it a spiritual law that breaking up someone else's family is a great sin. Even people who are far from faith know about it. However, she systematically crawled into our lives, of course, at first I didn’t realize how every mother with a baby was completely absorbed by the baby, while Madame purposefully and masterfully treated my husband. By 5 months of our son's life, I began to notice the changes that were happening with my husband, this is coldness, alienation, when he came home he tried to spend as little time with us as possible, he began to spend more time at the computer, then quickly go to bed, began to avoid intimacy, did not part with the phone went out to the balcony with someone talking. I tried to clarify the situation by talking heart to heart with him, he did not make contact, the conversations did not lead to anything. I checked the phone and mail when he was sleeping, everything was clean there, as I later realized (it was well encrypted, deleted everything). I attributed everything to a difficult time, to the fact that he gets tired at work and does not want to bother me, because after giving birth I had a prolonged depression, I was very nervous, I thought that he moved away for this reason. In order not to swear once again with me, seeing my excited state. Everything is open in the summer! We went to my parents, after 2 weeks he stopped calling me, and a week later he stopped picking up the phone, when I got through to him we had a fight over this and he suddenly said let's get a divorce, I endured too long, I was in shock. Meanwhile, he had fun with his mistress and friends, went with her and his friends to clubs and karaoke. He brought her to our house in our bed, her neighbors found her drunk, the door to the apartment was wide open, she was lying on our bed sleeping, and there were open bottles and glasses everywhere. Our apartment at the time of my departure turned into a hangout, loud music was playing, left-wing men and girls, parties were constantly spinning. Some child was crying all the time, then, as it turned out, the mistress dragged her little daughter around with her everywhere (how I feel sorry for the baby, she was not lucky with her mother). My brother called him and confronted him with the fact that he puts us on the train and he, as he wants, let him take a day at work, look for an opportunity, meet us. He came for us drunk, cold, without a wedding ring, a complete stranger, with a wolf look. Seeing him like this, I realized that something very terrible had happened, then I still did not know all the details of the situation about which I wrote to you above. From that day my personal HELL began! It takes a long time to describe my whole story, the terrible suffering and humiliation through which my ex-husband and his mistress forced me to go through. I’ll write briefly all the time that I saw him, he was drunk, didn’t spend the night at home, sometimes came to take something from his things, lied to his eyes, dodged, he was indifferent to his son, he was ready to refuse him, he didn’t refuse only for the reason when he found out that he would have to pay alimony anyway, in court he cynically bargained for alimony, he wanted to hang all his debts on me. I terribly blamed myself for not loving, not looking, I was cold, paid little attention to him, was absorbed by my son, etc. Divorce and the first half of the year after his departure from our life I remember poorly, I was in a state of complete inadequacy all the time she was crying, she couldn’t really take care of the house or the child. One day, I realized that if I continue like this, I will slowly kill myself, and for one I will shake the psyche of my little son, who at that moment really needed me and I didn’t pay him due attention at all. The prospect of rattling into a durke sobered me up a bit. And I began to work on myself. The first point in my recovery was to find a good adequate psychologist, which I did. The psychologist turned out to be a believer and very tactful person, later she became my close friend. We met with her every week, I told how I lived this time, how I worked on myself, she gave me homework that I did. We talked a lot about my inner state about those moments that should be given the most time, in my case it was resentment and guilt.
The second thing that helped me survive the collapse of our family is prayer. As a believer, I prayed every day for myself, for my son, for my ex-husband. She asked me to give me the strength to survive, to endure this critical moment.
The third point was not under any pretext not to learn anything about the ex-husband and his life without us. I asked our mutual friends and my girlfriends not to tell anything about him and his passion in my presence. I didn’t rummage through social networks, I didn’t go to their pages, because I’m not a masochist, I had another goal to forget him, and this is a mandatory item on the road to recovery. Block all channels through which information about a person can reach.
I also had a swing, this is such a state when you start to remember all the cool, sweet moments of life together, kisses, hugs, intimacy, good days, walks, words, and so on. The movement of such thoughts must be cut in the bud, endured, and by an effort of will, switch to other activities. Easy to say hard to do. But this must be done, first of all for you! Because you can stay in this state for a very long time. And there are no positive prospects in this! Only we ourselves can pull ourselves by the hair out of this swamp, longing for bygone days and self-pity.
Another very important point is to be constantly busy, you can live in short periods, do not plan your life for 5 years in advance, but paint on a piece of paper for yourself tasks for the day what you will do tomorrow. What are your plans, it’s also very good to help others, it significantly eases your own pain (tested on yourself) you can help in a shelter for homeless animals, there are always not enough volunteers, elderly, lonely, sick people, in your city there are a lot of people who much worse than you and your problems are not as terrible as it might seem at first glance. You can come up with something for a holiday in a kindergarten, at a child’s school, do creativity with children, feed pigeons, make feeders, paint or fix something in the country, in the village if you have them, help one of the relatives in their affairs . Those who have a car can provide all possible assistance to temples, rehabilitation centers, animal shelters, they often look for people who could help with transportation, volunteers are needed in baby houses, you can donate blood, it is constantly required and is never superfluous. The main thing is not to turn sour in the swamp self-pity and thoughts of bygone times.
I want to write a little about alimony. Dear ladies, do not wait for the weather by the sea, do not flatter yourself with the illusion that your loved one will come to his senses and return, will support you and your child. Apply for alimony. Believe me, if a father loves his children, he will support and take care of their well-being even after leaving the family. As practice shows, this is a fairly rare occurrence, when a father voluntarily makes deductions for a child left in the care of his mother, there is no need to play Mother Teresa and drag out a claim for alimony.
I was also looking for help on my questions on the Internet and came across two very interesting resources, one of them is a practical forum on experiencing crisis situations in the family, he helped me a lot to understand myself and my condition, after reading the site and its stories, I was extremely surprised at how many difficult situations, what recommendations are given to overcome internal experiences, it is described in detail about the algorithm of actions in case of betrayal, departure of the second half. Most of all, I was struck by how many men there were who were abandoned by their wives, and these men are not crooks and not alcoholics. Good family men, decent husbands and loving fathers. I liked the topic of the author Lucinano, I just could not pass by, he painted everything specifically and with examples from his life, he wrote the truth for men, but it is also suitable for women too.
I read men's topics on the forum, they are all very similar, I want to help everyone, but there is not enough time to write in detail in each topic. So I decided to create a general topic and write my thoughts here. I hope this will be useful to someone. I took some thoughts from my earlier posts.
First of all, I want to note the following things:
1. Please treat this topic not as a guide to action, but as a call for reflection. Everyone's situation, although similar, is still somewhat different, and my recommendations should be applied to the current situation in an appropriate way.
2. Please do not be offended by beautiful women that I am addressing men in the subject. I do this not because I want to somehow infringe on our ladies, but simply because I advise from the standpoint of my own experience, and it’s hard for me to imagine how I would behave in the place of a woman. But if my message is useful to our lovely women, then I will only be happy.
3. Unfortunately, I can’t give a recommendation on what and how to do if you and your wife decided to build a family all over again, since my wife and I eventually decided to leave, and I didn’t allow reunification ...
So, you found out that your wife is cheating on you, does not love you, wants to leave, has already left, or something similar has happened. You are devastated, depressed, angry, do not understand anything (the range of feelings can be wide) ...
I once was in your place. This happened to me for the first time, and I also did not know how to act correctly. Now I know much more than then, and would have behaved quite differently. However, I came up with many things myself intuitively, but I also made a lot of mistakes. Below are the theses and advice that I took from my own experience.
1. Life does not end there. Every person has a desire for personal happiness. Imagine that happiness is on a high hill, and you are at the foot of this hill. You can climb a hill with many paths, you do not need to dwell on the path that you walked the previous segment of your life. Believe me, she is not the only one, and the path to happiness does not end even with a divorce. Even such a sad event as a divorce can be seen as the first page of a new chapter in your life. Remember that you always have a choice of paths to happiness, a choice makes your behavior free and relaxed, your life more interesting and exciting.
2. Often our problem is that we put another person above our desires and aspirations, we subordinate our lives to him, we make him an idol. Remember that for a person the most important thing is harmony, external and internal, and the main purpose of a man is to express himself in the world external to the family - creativity, profession, extraction of that very mammoth, knowledge of the world, knowledge of God. A man should have a BUSINESS to which he must selflessly devote himself, and in due time a woman appears next to him, supporting and helping him, a companion and keeper of the hearth. No need to make a goddess out of her, put on a pedestal and the like. You need to continue your journey with God and with gratitude to him for everything. This position makes you confident, strong, interesting, no woman wants to leave such you. You are big, strong, confident, kind.
3. The woman leaves. You don't have to "fight" for it. The traditional question from a sober observer in such a situation: who are you going to fight with? With your wife? With lover? If you fight with anyone, then only with yourself, and not for her, but for yourself. No need to rush to save everything, fill up with flowers, gifts and confessions, constantly have heart-to-heart conversations. Such actions are late, demonstrate your weakness, and first cause pity in a woman, and then irritation, but do not resurrect love. At such moments, hurt male pride and humiliated pride scream in us, you can’t go on about these feelings.
4. Talking once is still worth it. You must prepare for the conversation, get together, be as calm and confident as possible. Explain to your wife that you are hurt and hard by her behavior/decision. That you may have made mistakes in life, but this did not give her the right to cheat on you. That you do not intend to tolerate her betrayal. That you give her a choice - either stop all communication with her lover, build a family anew with you and God, or go on a solo voyage as a free woman. You must honestly warn her about the most likely scenario of her life, namely, that according to statistics, only 30% of women who leave for another man marry him, and only half of them are happy in this new marriage, i.e. She has a 15% chance of success. If her chosen one is married himself, then divide by another 3 (5%). The most likely scenario is that the passion will pass, her lover will mother and leave her, all the delights of dividing property with you await her, the hearts of the children will be broken for life, shame and bitterness at the thought that she herself destroyed the family will remain with her forever. You offer her a reliable family, you are ready to rebuild the family building and another life together with her. Prepare a speech in advance and give it only once, then only answer her questions. If the wife is thinking, give her the opportunity to make a decision, do not bother or pull her, take care of yourself for now (more on that below). Tell her you're giving her time to make a decision. Give no more than a week, a maximum of two. If the wife refuses, resolutely tunes in to another life, or continues to behave inappropriately after the expiration of the term, completely move away from her and get ready for a divorce (alas). This will be what the forum calls the “magic kick”.
5. Among other things, behind the fear of losing your wife lies self-doubt, thoughts “who needs me”, “how will I be alone now”, the habit of comfort and the like. Now you have been taken out of your comfort zone, and just accept that your life will never be the same as before. And believe that not everything is as bad as it seems in these dark days.
6. Don't whine, don't beg, don't beg, don't pester, don't humiliate yourself, don't go into alcohol. Women don't like the weak.
7. Do not show aggression, do not insult, do not humiliate yourself. It will not give you points, but then there will be a burning shame. Don't do anything right now that you don't respect yourself for. If you want to do something that you are not sure about the worthiness, just try to look from the outside and imagine that it is not you, but another man in another family who wants to do the indicated act, and mentally evaluate him.
8. Self-respect is exactly what you need. Write down on paper your positive qualities for which you are appreciated by other people, other women, yourself. You will see that not everything is so bad, you have something to appreciate. Carry this piece of paper with you (I carry a record on my phone), and read it at a difficult moment. It really helps, I've checked.
9. Analyze your mistakes in marriage, sort them out, remember and draw conclusions. You don't need to beat yourself up. Remember, your mistakes are not a reason for you to change, but you need to accept them as experience so as not to repeat them in the future.
10. Take care of yourself, your personal growth. Fill your life with new things and concerns that will help you grow, such as:
Perhaps you have always wanted to learn something, improve your skills, improve your English - now is the time. immerse yourself in the learning process
- sport. set goals in sports (lose weight, improve your figure, stop suffering from shortness of breath when running, but just accustom yourself to regular workouts). I highly recommend boxing, it clears the head, increases self-esteem, improves physical fitness.
- daily charge
- read more and / or listen to audio books on work, personal development, how to achieve success, etc.
- fight bad habits and activities (drinking, computer games, TV, etc.). forget television programs altogether, watch movies (both gaming and educational)
- pay attention to work, what career opportunities are there in your workplace? maybe it makes sense to become more active, get into new projects, pull the blanket over yourself?
Find a new hobby or revisit an old one. when a person is passionate about something, there is no time to engage in harmful introspection
- Learn to type with the 10-finger method if you don't know how
- remember what you dreamed about in your youth, for sure, some dreams are not too late to realize
List it on your phone and check back periodically for self-stimulation.
11. Pray for your wife (even after a divorce), for your children, for yourself. Ask God to forgive the sins of your wife, your sins, have mercy on you sinners and help your children. Daily prayer helped me a lot and relieved my soul. Order magpie, reading the psalter in a monastery or temple. Read the gospel.
12. Read psychological literature, especially moments related to the struggle with negative emotions (guilt, resentment, anger, etc.)
13. Will want to fill the void with another woman. Avoid it. It can really make you feel better, but then you will be ashamed that you have used a person as a band-aid. Do not start a new relationship earlier than six months later (preferably a year or two). The time will come and you will be able to fill your heart with a new feeling, verified.
14. Do not be afraid for the children. This is the most painful topic, I know and understand this very well. Believe me, the child's psyche is very flexible. Try to give your children more attention, care, come up with joint business, call and write to them more often, take them to you, take them to interesting places, take them on vacation, etc. Be their father, no matter what happens, you didn’t make this mess, so don't eat yourself. Of course, nothing can replace a complete family for children, but believe me that living in a lie or in a family where mom does not love dad is even worse. Be a strong, funny, caring father, the kind that children will be proud of, and not a weak, whining, downtrodden, tormented by dislike being, whom children will not respect. They are now watching and absorbing the right and wrong patterns of behavior in family life. You don’t want your daughter to repeat the mistakes of her mother, and your son to become an insecure loser and henpecked?
15. Sometimes pain will roll in, thoughts about the past, difficult feelings, sweet memories. It's a swing. You need to endure and switch at these moments to another activity or prayer. You yearn for that woman who is no longer there, your wife is now completely different, and the old times will not return (you cannot enter the river twice, only into a puddle). Over time, the amplitude of the swing will decrease, the duration of calm, light periods will increase.
16. Do not try to come up with quick and easy solutions on the topic “how to return everything”, some magic phrases, actions and manipulations. Even if you can, with skillful manipulation, return the body (not the soul) of a woman to yourself, the effect will be short-lived and joyless. Get ready for the long haul. Relations between people can change, but it takes months or even years. I myself went through the desire to run somewhere, save and do something, otherwise I would be “late”. It's a delusion.
It is insanely difficult to start doing all this, but you need to force yourself through “I can’t - I don’t want to”, get involved gradually. I am proof of that.
After a while, you will realize that not everything revolves around your relationship and experiences with your wife, you will discover a new world for yourself, self-esteem and a sense of inner dignity will grow beyond recognition. Feel like a man, and all decisions will come by themselves. You will be the master of the situation.
I want to warn against a serious mistake. Don't do all of the above to get your wife back. Do it ONLY for yourself, to change your life, to find your own new path to happiness.
By the way, if you do everything as written above, it is very likely that one day the wife (or by that time already the ex-wife) will want to return everything. Then you will decide what to do. Perhaps your paths will be able to converge again, who knows ... When I got involved in a new life, my ex-wife was no longer needed, since the dependence on her disappeared. Although at first I simply dreamed about this “return” of hers, about the words that she later said to me, etc.
Good luck to you! I wish to find myself, my own personality and destiny. Hold on guys. There is life after infidelity and divorce. Checked.
The second resource is the help of professional psychologists, which is free. You can write your situation there, they will help you find a solution to the problem and direct you in the right direction https://www.b17.ru/
In the end, I would like to write about myself and how my life turned out a year after our breakup.
All year I worked on myself, at first it was difficult to constantly cry, there were swings, it seemed that this terrible state would never end. I fought constantly, occupied myself, played with the child even through my strength, walked with him, prayed a lot, at first I “registered” in the church, went to all the morning services, it became easier. I talked with a psychologist and did all the exercises that she advised me. I found a job at home, gave the child for half a day to a commercial kindergarten, so that the baby could develop and I could work at home and take a break from the child at that time, since we are all the time together. I found a lot of interesting activities - finger painting with a child, walks in the evenings, a pool in the morning 2 times a week. I found something that brings me pleasure, you can find something according to your interests. Now, looking back, I understand that I have become wiser, more far-sighted, calmer, after the departure of BM, many problems disappeared by themselves, including in the household part. We became very close with my son, I feel his love and affection, he always jumps into my arms and puts his head on my shoulder when I come to kindergarten for him, as if we were 100 years apart. I gained spiritual experience, understood my mistakes and accepted them, stopped blaming ourselves, we are not saints and we all tend to make mistakes, but this is not a reason for us to change and betray. BM, I'm sorry because it's not easy to carry such a heavy burden through life with the stigma of a traitor and a traitor. And you can flaunt as much as you like in front of others, you can’t deceive yourself. I think about him very rarely and without pain. We still do not communicate and I am very grateful to him, for the fact that he has a conscience, not to appear in our lives, after all that heaped up. I also have an old friend who takes care of me. A decent guy, he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, he’s a children’s doctor, so far I don’t allow further relations with him at the level of communication, but he doesn’t insist and I respect him very much for this.
I want to wish all of you true female happiness, not hypocritical love, God help you all who go through a difficult crisis path of family relationships !!! With warmth and sincerity to you!!!
P.S Comments expressing aggression, insults and other non-constructive and negative will be deleted.
A group of people on the beach were loudly discussing some common acquaintance. Opinions are clearly divided.
Rather, a middle-aged blonde had her own opinion, and everyone else tried to prove to her that she was wrong.
And I think that this is the real betrayal! - passionately broadcast the blonde. - To leave a family with two children, one of which is only a year old - this is beyond my understanding. Well, how is it, huh? .. A year ago, it means that he loved his wife, planned a child, and then fell out of love once? Do not stop shaking hands, saying hello, do not whisper behind your back? ..
Come on! - peacefully answered her balding plump man. - For what to condemn, you will say too! Well, a person fell out of love, it happens ... We do not have serfdom. In the end, he left his wife, but not his children. He was still the father of the children! Alimony pays, calls, communicates ...
Oh, keep me seven! Alimony! the blonde fumed. - A dozen for three of them, given that the wife is on maternity leave - is it a merit, or what? .. "He remained a father", it's even funny! In three months, he called his eldest, eight-year-old daughter four times, and once took her for a walk on her birthday - an awesome father! And the younger one will not know him at all ... The father is the one who raised him! And in order to raise children, you have to live with them, here! .. There is a mother - all day like a squirrel in a wheel! Eat, walk, clean, read books. She is not up to herself at all! .. This is called - raising children. And more than once a month he sees on holidays! ..
Well, what do you want, I do not understand? - Almost in chorus, a couple of twenty-five years old entered into an argument. - What was he to do? To live with an unloved woman through force, or what? Without love?? Just for the kids?
What do I want? I want things to be called by their proper names, here! .. Not "divorced", but escaped from difficulties! Not "left", but left his wife and children! He showed selfishness, meanness and cowardice! .. I want friends to turn away from such friends, and it was a shame to marry a divorced man who left children in marriage! Well, or, at least, the lot of losers who don’t have anything else in life ... Just imagine, if a woman did this - she left her children to her husband and went into a new life, what kind of condemnation would she have to endure? Why don't we condemn men? What is the difference, basically?
And how do you feel about men who left families with small children?
Do you condemn, consider it a betrayal? He gave birth to a child - grow up first, and then go to all four sides ...
Or do you think that everyone is in their own right, and if a man pays what he must according to the law, then well done? And if from time to time he calls and inquires, how are the children doing, is he a hero at all?
What do you think?
Men rarely seek help after breaking up with their wife. This is not due to the fact that men are not abandoned. Biological and social factors are at work here. Science knows that a woman loves more than a man, but calms down when she is abandoned faster than a man.
This is due to the fact that men are by nature introverts, that is, the principles by which they live change slowly, and their behavior is determined by internal ideas.
But if his ideas change, then he will immediately begin to act in accordance with them. And it's hard to get him off track. Women by nature are usually extroverts, that is, their behavior is rather determined by external representations. It is easier for her to move on to some other path.
From the point of view of society, this is due to the fact that when a man leaves his wife, both men and women sympathize with the woman. And when a woman leaves a man, both men and women laugh at him.
That's why a man would rather commit suicide than complain. But in vain! He can be helped. But these are all statistics. In real life, the opposite happens.
An example of a technique for working with a man who was abandoned by his wife
Here I give in some detail the technique of working with a man who was abandoned by his wife. With this man, I mostly corresponded, occasionally called back, but I did not see him in the eyes. This is what I'm going to publish right now. I'll add my comments along the way. Names and place of residence have been changed.On May 4, a man called me from Tambov. His voice was sad. He said that his wife was leaving him. He lost all life guidelines, because he lived for the sake of his wife and child, and is ready to commit suicide if this happens and is ready for anything to save his family.
I asked him to purchase my book Psychological Vampirism, where Psychological Aikido was published, as well as The Sperm Principle, where depreciation letters were published, and send me a letter detailing the situation. And if possible, write a depreciation letter to his wife.
A few hours later I received a response. “I am 31, my wife is 28, my daughter is 5. We have been living together for 7 years, we met at our work, she was married(A slip of the pen according to Freud, apparently, she married him to herself - M. L.). But I fell in love with her, helped her get comfortable at work and get a promotion, and she left me.
For me, she became the woman of my life, one might say that life itself. According to her, before the wedding, she did not think that we would be good in sex, but it turned out not to be so. We had a very good and happy marriage, and so do I and she.
We have always lived separately from our parents, we bought a one-room apartment for the birth of a child, unfortunately, we still live in it, but we were ready to buy something more this year. I'm not afraid to say that we lived with her soul to soul, I do not remember the cases when we seriously quarreled. (It's a pity that people do not analyze their small conflicts. This would help to avoid significant conflicts. - M. L.).
A little over a year and a half ago, she found herself a new job. She said that she wanted to realize herself. It so happened that I did it quite successfully in my work. I did not take her new work very well, I will explain why.
Probably, I am the type of person for whom not super good wealth, money is important (all this should be present, but for me this is not an end in itself). The warmth of the house is more important to me, so that there is a close, dear person nearby. She began to devote all her time to work, work like a damned woman, disappear there(or meet another person - M. L.).
I sat with the child, maybe I did not do much with him, but I was with him. I sat with him when he was ill, I had such an opportunity, I sat with him in the evenings. She took sick leave only when there was a full guard, or I insisted on it. I will not say that she is a bad mother - she loves our child very much, she just got very carried away with herself and her work(or an employee - M. L.).
She is a very neat person in everyday life, you can say a clean one, but let's just say, I became sloppy, relaxed, feeling that everything was fine with us. I began to notice that she began to move away from me, and in recent weeks, that something is happening or has happened, that something has happened.
I wrote her a letter on paper, with my feelings, and 1.5 weeks ago we had an explanation. She said that she fell in love with another person, that she did not know what to do, but she wanted to go to him. What she wants from him is a child.
She says that yes, everything was just great with us, it’s just wonderful that I am a very good person, that she appreciates and respects me. I love her and want her to always be by my side. I am ready to do everything so that she stays, I know that I have the strength, patience, courage to start all over again.
Starting all over again means making her fall in love with you again, because my feeling for her did not fade away and did not waver for a second. I am ready to do everything to return it and win it again. She is a very private person by nature. her mother is a rather tough person and was harsh with her as a child, and she still remembers this.
She recently told me about things that offended her, spoke out. I think this is a good sign, but I'm still afraid of losing her. I know that we can be happy together.
At the beginning of our marriage, we had a father-daughter relationship, now she has “grown up” a lot, she is very proud of what she has achieved at work, that without her, according to her, “the office will rise”, that she is an irreplaceable person there. Timothy".
“Hello, dear Mikhail Efimovich!
Thank you so much for encouraging me to read your books. Indeed, without them, asking to write a letter is a waste of your time. I have almost finished reading your book "Psychological Vampirism", next I have "The Sperm Principle". (These books contain "psychological aikido" and depreciation letters - M. L.).
I looked at a lot of things, but almost everything, in a new way.(Here it is a change of principles! The algorithm of attitude has changed, now the algorithm of behavior will also change. There were no unnecessary discussions about the correctness of the rules set forth in my books. - M. L.).
I found a lot of new things for myself in the rules and aphorisms. I wrote them out for myself and look through them periodically. I don’t know how right I am, but it seems that I was Koshchei the immortal in life.(I call immortal Koshchei people who live not for themselves, but for someone else. Among the relatives of my patients, I saw them in bulk. Badly sick, but Koshchei the immortal twitches and interferes with helping their loved ones. Most often - mothers, less often sisters and the wives of the sick... They look like pretty women, but in fact Koshchei are immortal, whose soul is in the body of a sick relative. - M. L.)
I understand that I did almost everything wrong, although in general I tried to go towards the goal: not to stand still. I understood a lot about our relationship with my wife, what and where I missed, where I was wrong. And most importantly, I realized that only myself can change! I believe in this, and I am ready to make every effort to continue my growth after her return.
I was very interested in the chapter on addictive compulsive love: many moments are very similar in psychological portrait to my wife, and how she describes the person she fell in love with. I would like to get your advice on this matter too. If this is indeed the case, could this be a problem for applying the amortization letter?
You asked me to write a sample depreciation letter - here it is, based on our realities. Unfortunately, I am a layman in psychology and cannot appreciate some points of the letter, because I have doubts. I am afraid that without your help I will do something wrong. I beg you for a personal consultation. When can I call you and arrange a meeting?(So we did not meet with him. We decided everything by correspondence and by phone - M. L.).
I apologize for persistence, demanding a speedy meeting. It just might be more efficient to send this letter before her decision becomes an act. Although, what am I saying, she has already committed an act.
And here is the letter itself.
"Bella!
You're doing the right thing by not wanting to live with me. I am no longer such a sun, not such a Tishechka as I used to be. I'm not as smart anymore, not as empathetic and not as gentle as I used to be, I'm not as good at helping you around the house, and most importantly, I was not good at intimate relationships and put pressure on you all the time.
I am writing this to you not so that you return, but in order to thank you for the happiness that you gave me and ask for forgiveness for not being able to answer you the same. Now I understand how hard it was for you to not love me and treat me so well.
They say time heals, although I still find it hard to believe. But don't worry about me. I will try to calm down over time and live a happy life, if, of course, this is possible. I am also writing to you so that you can help me to wean myself from you. Let's not meet.
You will leave your daughter with your mother, and I will pick her up from there, and at work we will have lunch at different times. And one more request: tell me what qualities I need to acquire and what to get rid of in order to please a woman like you. I understand that I will never meet someone like you, but if someone comes across who even slightly resembles you, I will not miss my chance. I wish you happiness. Timothy".
And this is my answer.
"Timofey!
You are a capable and disciplined student. Send as is. Call again. M. Litvak.
I was really blown away by his performance. If he had started a discussion, I don’t know what would have come of it. He believed in the idea. He didn't doubt her. He doubted himself. Did he do it right?
Unfortunately, many start work without faith in the idea, and when something does not work out, they begin to scold the principle of depreciation, instead of looking for their mistake. That is why the case often drags on for months and years, although everything can be done within a few days.
“Dear Mikhail Efimovich!
As I said, I wrote and gave her a letter! Unfortunately, for the time being, I cannot deliver the letter to the person she fell in love with. I still don't know his name.(And you don’t need to know. “Dearly respected one whom my wife fell in love with,” and then a letter. You need to do everything quickly. - M. L.). I think that over time, I will be able to do it, I have already written a letter to him.
I am surprised to see what changes are taking place in me, and I understand that I like them. Before, I thought only about what happened, about mourning, about hopelessness. Now I gladly turned on the music in the car and began to think about work with interest.
It became interesting to see how what I do will affect people. She (no longer his wife and beloved, but she is M. L.). She really wants us to go to Ryazan to her parents, there is a suspicion that she wanted to talk to her godmother there. She began to hide behind the child, that she already wants to go there.(Think less about her and do not give her any instructions, and most importantly, do not expose her - M. L.). I said the child has to deal with it on his own.
I think it would be nice if I, in order to limit our communication, spend more time at work.(Yes, it's great - M.L.). How do you think? There is another question: if she says, “I love you,” she can say it for appearances, but in her heart she will still love that person. How can I avoid, or rather, capture such a moment?(And you believe her and do what you want. The most important thing is for you to lead correctly. If she lied, it’s worse for her. She will sleep with an unloved person, that is, with you, of her own free will. And in general, consider him a husband, and yourself a lover Then the balance will be on your side.- M.L.). If she decides to say so for some reason.
Can a person like her act in this situation contrary to what I am doing, do it out of spite, hurt myself, hate?(Again, you think about her. If you think, then think well of her. After all, you want her to return. So she is not harmful. Do not contradict yourself. And if she is harmful, then everything will immediately become clear, and the desire to be with She will be lost. You will see her black soul. - M.L.).
After all, it happens that we do something out of harm, contrary to what is.(Yes, it happens. But stupid and bad people do it. - M.L.).
For some reason I don't think so. It is wonderful to have goals in life and move towards them, not by jumping from the 10th floor in a straight line, but by finding the stairs or the elevator. Until I make plans for the future, how it will turn out for us, but then we must definitely think over, understand how to build what will come later.
What do I need to become to be happy? There is one more thing that worries me: what if by chance she understands, learns about your technique, understands that she was manipulated?(You think too well of her. If she understood at least something, she would not leave you. But if she understands, she will simply admire you. And what kind of manipulation is this. Manipulation is when I win, and the partner loses. Here you are the loser, and she is the winner. You act very humanely, sacrificing your interests. You allow her to do what she wants, and demand from her the actions that you need, they do not strain her. That is what those who love do. Unfortunately, you still do not know how to love, since you doubt the correctness of these actions. Now you are just learning. - M.L.).
Although I did everything to prevent this from happening.
I will certainly strive to take a high leadership position in our company, in my opinion, a wonderful goal. I want to become a self-sufficient person, live in a "nice house with walls and a ceiling, and have beautiful wallpaper in the house." Which of your books do you think I should study next?(Which one will be of interest to you. To me, the author, all of them are dear, and I think that you need to read them all. But I can be wrong. So decide for yourself. - M.L.).
Probably "If you want to be happy." Thank you very much. With deep respect, Timofey from Tambov.
This letter was answered immediately.
“Dear Mikhail Efimovich!
Thanks for the replies, you are absolutely right. The letter has already been sent to him. So I did everything quickly, as you said. What should I do if she wants to talk about everyday topics: who pays the money, what to do with the child. I think, to say how it will be done - then we will decide, but now there is nothing to say.
But do not give yourself offense and do not be a devoted doggie. She wants to go with her daughter to rest, but without him. He said that let him give the money, because she went to him. I have something to do with it. Here are the news so far.
Working, moving... I'll keep you posted. When the time comes, I'll try to describe everything in more detail. I think maybe tomorrow.
Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer was extremely short.
"Timofey!
You are well done! Don't be afraid to act, don't be afraid to make mistakes. Good luck. M. Litvak.
“Hello Mikhail Efimovich! I send you a report for the previous days.
08 May.
So I become what I should become: a strong, self-confident, successful person. Let's try to restore yesterday: She wrote me a note that I am a wonderful, good, sensitive person, thank you for the love, for everything that I have done for her. I unsubscribed that this is not so, that if it were, as she writes, she would love me and would not leave.
At night, I wrote another letter, because. she constantly “rocked” me with how much good I did, how good it was for her, etc. and so on. After talking with you, I said that there was no need to torment me, no need to turn everything into torture for me, try to imagine yourself in my place, she was terribly agitated, tore up what I had written.
The content of the letter to her: “Beloved, you are now behaving with me like a sadist, very cruelly. Understand that I still love you very much, and I want you to be happy. ( Little inaccuracy. Instead of "understand" it would be better to write "you understand." Behind the word "understand" one hears "fool, you are such a thing." But for a beginner in psychological aikido, it is excusable - M.L.).
I want you to be with the person you love. I don't have to do anything out of pity, it only makes me feel worse.
Understand, when you are worried about me, you want to stroke, hug, touch, it is very hard for me to bear it. You gave me a lot of happiness, it was a very happy seven years of my life for me, thank you for that.
I failed to give you what you deserve. I didn't deserve you. This is a fact, because you are leaving for a loved one, but you do not love me. I want to try to forget you, I don't know if I can succeed.
Imagine what your loved one will say to you, you know, you are so wonderful, but I love the other one more. What torture will then turn for you all his touches and actions out of compassion for you, out of pity for you.
Do not talk to me, feel sorry for me, do not think about me, think about yourself, about your loved one. I am not worthy of you. I also ask you to tell me what I need to become, so that if I suddenly meet a woman like you, so as not to repeat the mistakes that I made with you. Please tell me this sometime. Loving you, Timothy.
There were also mini dialogues, I said - what are you pulling - go to him, because you have already decided everything a long time ago, now it only hurts more. She says that I have nowhere to go yet, that I also live here for the time being. That she is also very bad, that she understands how bad I am.
She asked me what is love? Now I understand that I need to answer what you know better, you know. I cited your example about a house and beautiful wallpapers, could not resist and added that a successful family is a calculation plus love, it is possible without love. I don't think it was quite right.(Well done! I myself found a mistake. - M. L.).
I say that I need to change in order to become worthy of a woman like her.
Yesterday, while I was gone, I cleaned the apartment, cooked dinner, from the products that I bought. He really wants to go on vacation with his daughter. I say go with her. Exhausted after the night. She said yesterday that her legs do not obey. She says she didn't think I would do that.(I wonder what she wanted him to do? After all, he let her go without reproaches. I would also add that “You are happy. You have love. But what remains for me?” But for a beginner, it’s already great. - M. L.).
We talked a little about plans for a child. He wants to take his daughter with him. She understands what kind of trauma it will be for the child, and this greatly torments her. She said that that person has 2 children, a 9-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
I said, probably incorrectly, that I do not want our child to live in the same family with such a person, and even in another city. She said that he was being transferred to St. Petersburg, that her career was very important to her, that she was a careerist. He understands that there will be a not very good financial situation, because. 50% will go to child support. She said that this apartment is mine (I really earned it), that she does not apply for it. It suits me just fine.
I asked that the money that I would transfer would go only to my daughter's account. Today she said that she was exhausted, that she wanted to be alone, to think. I said that you don’t have to think about me, I don’t deserve to be with her, I said that she should think about what would be better for her. Earlier, in the dialogues, I repeatedly heard the phrase: make no mistake.(Comments are superfluous - M. L.). In the evening she asked me to go to bed early, because. very tired and very exhausted. I replied, - "As you say, my love."
Last night and today went smoothly. It didn't bother me in particular. Just yesterday I wrote SMS “When will I be home?”. I said that you should not worry about me - you need to think about who you love.
Today, the whole day managed to act in the appropriate key. We went by car for a child to the country. She asked me to drive, I said that this car was not worthy of her. She began to insist, I said - as you say, dear. On the way, he called. I said that I should not be shy, - she asked me to leave her alone. My answer is "Whatever you say honey." I learned very well how to pronounce this phrase. I also constantly say that I want her to be happy and that I love her very much.
In general, her condition became calmer, because. she made plans for herself that she would go on vacation with the child, plus she said that such a situation as now would drag on for about 2 months, that she had nowhere to go now, because. he himself is not from Tambov, there is not an apartment or anything here.
I think that because of such certainty that it will not reach her parents, she became calmer. Then, it seems, there are plans that he will be transferred to St. Petersburg, and they will go there, and with our child, which somehow does not suit me very much. It will obviously be a plus for her, because. she will just cut off all the ends and get rid of the pressure of her parents.
She is very tormented by thoughts about our child. Sometimes, when he looks at me and my daughter, his eyes are wet. Said she couldn't leave her baby for someone else, but he did. He says he does it for her. He asks to go with the child to the fireworks.
I first suggested that she go with her beloved, she asked us to go, I agreed. When we went to the fireworks, she looked at me from the side, said that I had lost a lot of weight. In general, he tries not to call me, not to talk to me, not to touch me.
Maybe you need to shake it up with something again, unsettle it?(How you still want to be aggressive - M.L.). She became much calmer. He really wants to visit a child psychologist to mitigate the consequences for our child. My strategy is still: think about yourself, about your loved one, about a child, but you don’t need to think about me, I’m not worth it, and you don’t love me either. I will do everything to make you happy, but I won’t let myself be destroyed, that I am strong and that’s why I do it.
May 10.
In the morning we started talking about the baby. She asked me to take a walk with her, because she needs to be left alone to meet Him (she did not say the latter, because she said that she could not say it out loud). I said that there is no need to be ashamed of me, because. I want you to be happy. Because she is taking her daughter with her to St. Petersburg, I slowly need to wean from her that I am an unworthy father, that He will be better for her, but you don’t need to think about me, I’m not worth it.
What is the best position for me to take on the issue of communication with the child?
It seems to me that it is not quite right that she is taking care of herself, and I am sitting with the child. I also have my own plans, and I need to move on. In my opinion it will be correct. And again I wrote her a letter:
"Hello Bella!
I want to write you this letter so that you can be a little calmer. I want to tell you that I feel better now. I began to sleep better, I had an appetite. I think that I have already fallen out of love with you by 20 percent.
I am very grateful to you, because I read a lot of books, met interesting people, learned a lot of new things, became stronger, grew a lot morally. Forgive me, but let's tell our parents about everything. You know, we haven't had sex for a long time (when it's good for both of us), and I want to find someone for myself, and if my parents don't know how I will look in their eyes?
I need to work hard on myself, do a lot, so that if I meet a woman like you, I can keep her. Therefore, I cannot stay at home for a long time. In addition, since If you want to take your daughter with you to Petersburg, already start trying to live with her on your own, without my help, and let her begin to wean herself from me.
What I mean is that next week I won't be able to stay at home for a long time. Decide for yourself who will sit with her. I still love you and I'm so glad you're on the mend. Don't worry about your daughter, I will always be her dad. Let's decide when we tell your parents, I also want to talk to your parents, write them a letter, explain everything and thank them. Just understand(Again, “understand” - M. L.), you have happiness and love, I also want to try (and suddenly it will work out) to find myself a loved one who will love me.I wish you happiness. Timothy".
I read the letter 2 times, asked when we would tell our parents. I said whatever you say honey. So far there has been no more reaction. Maybe add a little about “became fat”, etc.?(Again, an unnecessary desire to be aggressive - M.L.).
In the evening she said that she thinks that if she had told me right away, then nothing would have happened, in the sense that everything would be fine with us. Today I will continue my course of action. I have not yet decided what position to take in court about the child. I don't know yet.
Do you think I need to take some additional steps now, or just continue my course of action?
Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer.
In principle, all your behavior is correct. You can stir it up by sending a letter to your parents. Excuse - You took a cue from her. She didn't tell you when she cheated on you. After all, when you converged, she promised you not to change.
Noble people first get divorced and then fall in love with another. And she, like a bun, rolled over. This is her understanding of nobility, and you agreed with him. And besides, you want to maintain a good relationship with her parents. "And how to keep them if I'm not frank." But it's better to tell her this and send a letter.
Although it will be really bad for her later, when she gets together with her beloved. And it will start to pull when it stops receiving information about you. So no special effort is needed. You can do nothing.
If you start to put pressure on her, she will only unite with her beloved, and the problem of returning will be more difficult to solve. Communicate with the child from the position that you love him. With whom to be, she decides.
If she decides to be with you, then you can sue. But here you need to consult with lawyers. Here is the best position of the biblical woman who sued her child. Two women had a boy at the same time. But one of the children soon died. Women defended their right to a living child and went to court to King Solomon.
When Solomon said that he could not decide whose child, and ordered that the child be cut in half, the true mother abandoned the child. So you do not tear the child to pieces. Better give it to your wife.
The phrase here is suitable as follows: “I love you, daughter, and I want you to feel good. I really want to live with you. But if you feel better with your mom, stay with your mom.” Nothing new is needed. One can only write about the fact that love continues to decrease. Good luck. M. Litvak.
I immediately received a response to this letter.
“Hello, Mikhail Efimovich!
Yesterday I talked to her parents and told them what was going on. Now I am in a state of siege, because her every phrase comes to me in a harsh ironic manner. I do not cling, I answer: "As you say, dear."
An example of her remark: “You are such an angel with us: it’s just that the wings are growing.” She really does not want to communicate and talk with her parents. She is very afraid that all this will come up at her work, that she will lose her job. Her dad (he is an old party member, and still remembers the times when the team condemned and “returned to the bosom of the family”) wants to talk to her team.
What do you think this conversation could lead to? Is it worth it to resist or implicitly push?
Formally, she may not be able to work there further, and he may not get a promotion to St. Petersburg. It will be a plus for me in court, I still want to keep the child with me. She has not yet had a conversation with her parents, she really does not want him, because. believes that she will be poured with mud there. In principle, her mother can do this.(I cease to understand what we are doing. The return of the prodigal wife to the bosom of the family or the rejection of the child? Let's decide, and we will do one thing - M. L.).
I am very glad that I can leave for a while and really look forward to a vacation, going early next week. Her loved one gives her money, which suits me perfectly. Some doubts arose whether to let the child go on vacation with her. I'll probably leave anyway.(That's right - M.L.).
She's obviously mad at me now. He tries to prick and hurt in everything. So vicious, but she has this behavior, as if she was completely cornered. Sometimes my hands just drop, but I try to hold on. Already found a good divorce lawyer. I'm ready for any options.
So far, all the news for today, Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer.
"Timofey! I have already answered this question. Of course, she can be fired from her job, but will she return to you? In general, the less interference the better. And if she calls you an angel, then here we can agree. Depreciation works great.
“Of course an angel. That's because I'm an angel, so you're with me and do not want to live. Angels are no fun. I will try to become a devil so that the next woman does not leave me. Still, you don't always get depreciation. Good luck. M. Litvak.
Dear my readers!
I don't know what you think, but I think that Timothy's behavior is impeccable. After all, with everything that she did not offer, he agreed. He proceeded from the position that all people are good. He did not arrange jealousy scenes, he invited his wife to meet with her beloved in their apartment.
He took all the blame for the breakup. There was no criticism of his wife. But he needed to protect himself. He didn't want to talk to her. But Timothy has already become a stranger to Bela. And she began to hate. It's not his fault that his parents took his side. He thought that they would support their daughter. And just out of all the techniques of psychological aikido, he used the principle of depreciation, however, almost all of its variants.
"Timofey!
Happy for you. My comments are in the body of the email. I wish you success. M. Litvak.
"News from the battlefields...(this is the title of Timothy).
Hello, Mikhail Efimovich!
I just talked to my wife's parents, after informing her about this and saying that it's hard for me to lie to them. I realized that it became much easier for me after this conversation: firstly, it was very nice to see how they treat me, and secondly, there is no need to lie and dissemble anymore.(It is very difficult to lie and deceive. It causes great emotional stress. You must remember to whom, what you said. You must have a very good memory and strong nerves. Somewhere I wrote about this in detail. But his nerves were bad. He after all, he was going to commit suicide. A lie would finally finish him off - M. L.).
I still spoke in the same vein that I love her, I am very glad that I have a good relationship with them (her parents), and I don’t want to lose them in the future, I know that they love her and will understand everything . But, if I were in her place, I would be very tense.
Now the facts:
- they want to talk to her (this is quite natural for parents);
- they said that if she wanted to live temporarily with them, they would not accept her;
- they said that they would like the child to stay with me, that if I decide to fight for him at the trial, they will come out on my side, (I begin to seriously think about it);
- her dad has an idea to make a little "performance" at her work, in terms of exposing them to the collective, turning against them the society in which they work.
- her mom wants to talk to her loved one, what does she really want to tell him - I don't know(And this should not be done. This will only bring them closer. - M. L.).
- they said that if they used to help her with the child so that it would be easier for her to work, now they won’t do it yet - let her spin around herself, although they love their grandson very much and miss him very much, (In vain, of course - M. L.);
- her parents are definitely against her going on vacation with our daughter without me.(In general, it would be better if they didn’t change their behavior towards her. You can express your attitude, but you can’t change your behavior. But they already did it. Unfortunately, we don’t have a psychological culture. I have an idea to write a book on this topic - M. L.).
“Dear Maria Petrovna and Leonid Vasilyevich!
It is still difficult for me to talk about some things, so I am writing this letter to you. I am very grateful to Bella for the seven years of happiness she gave me. I still love her very much and I want her to be happy, I hope that everything will be fine with her. I guess I'm not the person she deserves.(The word “probably” would be better not to insert. This is not depreciation. It turns out that she is not right. Of course, you are not the right person. Everything else is correct. - M. L.).
I know that you love her very much, that you will understand everything. I am very sorry that I had little contact with you before, perhaps this would help me keep her, make her happy. I hope that we remain friends with you and that I can still ask for your advice. I don't want to repeat the same mistake if in the future, suddenly, I meet a woman even slightly like Bella.
I hope that you will tell me what I did wrong, what mistakes I made, so as not to repeat the same. Sincerely, Timofey.
I am seriously thinking about how I will behave in court.(Let's think about it when she files a lawsuit. Maybe she will come back to you. After all, we are engaged in her return, but psychologically competently! Have you already forgotten about this? Or are we already engaged in a divorce? - M. L. )?
I feel strong in myself, I think that I can keep my daughter with me(And I'm sure of it. - M. L.). I am looking for good lawyers.(But the most important thing is how you behave. The main thing is that she filed for divorce. I will send you the speech of the defendant in court. But wait again. Maybe she will come back to you. Let's finally finish one thing. - M. L.).
I know that if she says that she has decided to stay, it will only be possible for me if she says "I love you." In any case, it will not be right away, and in order to try to collect the fragments that we now have, it will take a lot of effort, patience and time and work to do this.
I know that I will continue to live, work and strive for success regardless of whether she returns or not. In a way, I'm glad(But it's great that we are happy. - M. L.) ,
that life sent me such a test. Without him, I would not have started moving up, and I would have been sitting in my swamp. Thank you for your advice, regards, Timofey.
You see, my dear readers, how psychologically competent behavior with an unrighteous goal led to a correction of the goal. I think the Jesuits are wrong in saying that the end justifies the means. From my point of view, the most important thing is the right means. They will change the wrong goal.
Once again I want to emphasize that returning a departed spouse to the bosom of the family is an unrighteous goal. You can not force yourself or anyone else to live with an unloved person. Otherwise, the house will turn into a prison with life imprisonment and constant torture. And the last letter of Timothy.
“Hello, dear Mikhail Efimovich!
I look at myself from the outside and rejoice at the changes that are taking place in me. My motivation to work has greatly increased: I really want to advance in my work. Slowly, what you told me is happening is that I won't be ready to take her back if she wants to come back. I understand that at the moment I still love her, and I am ready for her to return.
But I realized that I was ready to do this only if she sincerely could show me that she loves me, that she understands what she is striving for, what she needs from life and why she wants to return. (emphasis added by Timothy).
I understand that for her it is still a very long way and it is not known where I will be, when she will pass it and whether it will pass, because. I'm not going to stand still either. Yesterday she talked for a very long time with her father, and, according to her mother, she came out all crimson.
As far as I know, dad just talked to her so that she weighs the pros and cons of her decision, told her his vision of the situation, life, from the height of her life experience. Due to the fact that I slightly changed my attitude to what is happening and what happened, we had the following dialogue:
“You said that you want me to be good, you know that I still love you, but I can’t show my love, because you love another person. You've already made up your mind that you want to be with him, and it's hard for me when you're around, so because If you're going to leave anyway, maybe you'll start looking for an apartment.
I don’t chase you and don’t set any deadlines, but it’s very hard for me to be with you, to love you and not be able to realize my desires. I want to try to forget you, and so it will be easier for me to do it.
With my daughter, I don’t know yet what I will do, but I will make sure that she is happy. I know how much you love our daughter and want her to stay with you, but I must be sure that she will be well provided financially, that she will be given enough time, and that she will live in good conditions.
I repeated her words that she wants a child from a loved one, that if she stays with me, we will have no more children, that she will hate me. I said that if she decides to return, I will be ready to accept her only if I see some things, but I did not say what. He said that while the door was open for her, but it was already half closed.
I began to understand that she was completely unprepared for such a turn of events, because. her plans included not to pull me yet and not even inform me of what was happening. She agreed to go on vacation with everyone in order to wait until her loved one was transferred to St. Petersburg, and then move on by herself. Those. play completely behind my back.
A very interesting point is that she doesn’t even know for sure yet if he told his family what plans he has regarding a divorce from his family. He says that he seems to have told his wife everything. So far, as far as I know, he is not in Tambov (he is not Tambov himself), but with his family somewhere there.
When analyzing the situation now, I have thoughts that it is banal, at first, they could use it, confuse, as they say, just sleep, and then she turned out to be just a convenient person for later life. Although this can easily be completely wrong, and they are really the new Romeo and Juliet (for some reason, this is hard to believe).
She is very afraid that everything will become known at their work, how the management will look at it, their leader is a very decent person, with a family, with two children, very intelligent and educated.
He can easily ask them both to write a statement of their own free will, although he may not do this. She is VERY STRONGLY EXCITED, tk. work for her is number 1. Ie. she is clearly not ready to go somewhere, but I do not want this to continue. Leaving go. Her parents don't want to see her in their house.
I understand that at the moment I am not acting on the principle of depreciation, but I have found myself both a sense of dignity and a sense of pride and do not want to be used. Let it be so! The only thing is, I absolutely do not want this to somehow touch our daughter.
According to one woman (we are family friends), Bela is a person who has not experienced real difficulties in life, and now she subconsciously found them on her head (or some other place). I decided that I would not interfere with her in finding these difficulties. If you want, take it.
She said that she hated me, that she would not talk to me about anything. Tried to insult me, which I had to stop. I said it was great, that she wouldn't talk, that it was exactly what I needed.
I also said that when communicating at home, you must, first of all, think about your daughter, and if we start throwing mud at each other, it will only get worse for her, that we don’t need to drag her from side to side, that we definitely need to consult with a child psychologist, How can we better deal with him? That I love and respect her. That you don't have to treat me like this.(But, starting with “More ...”, it was not necessary to say. After all, this is a banal truth that his wife has already known for 20 years. And in general, what is known to everyone should not be said, because it will sound like an insult. This it’s the same as telling a person that you need to wash your hands before eating, brush your teeth in the morning and evening, do exercises in the morning, etc. - M. L.).
In short, to my pleasure, we do not communicate at all now, although I understand that this is bad for our daughter. ( But this is not yet a fact - M. L.).
I realized that my attitude to what is happening continues to change and does not stand still. I don’t know yet what position I will take in court regarding the child, it will depend on my knowledge about the conditions in which she will live, about her attitude towards him.
There will be confidence that he will be fine in the long run - and I won’t say a word.(Hurry up again. We are engaged in the return of Bela. Let's deal with this first. Are you returning her or are you refusing her? I don’t understand anything at all. - M. L.).
To summarize the above: so far for me there are 1.5 open questions.
1 - how to deal with the child.
0.5 - can I accept her if she wants to come back.(She has not asked to see you yet. That's when she asks, then start thinking. After all, Jesus Christ advised us to take care of today. And tomorrow will take care of itself - M. L.).
Thank you very much. By the way, I said that I consider the consultation successful. I am in your debt. With deep respect, Timothy.
And my farewell letter.
"Timofey!
I congratulate you. You are well done. Self-esteem is the most important value. You have it. Consider that you paid me back with your disciplined attitude to the matter and thus confirmed the correctness of my theoretical concepts and practical recommendations. Typically, this work for my wards took up to six months. But you figured it all out in less than a week. It's faster than I even thought.
I told my wards that if I could move into you, I would resolve the situation in two weeks. You got it faster. Of course, soon she will ask you, but I am almost sure that you will not accept her, although in principle she is not a bad woman.
She just has a kolobok script. She rolled over from your predecessor to you. If she stays with your opponent, then after he helps her advance, she will roll to another. But the main thing is not this.
The main thing is the preserved sense of your own dignity. You can live with him, even if a woman left you and live with dignity. Now you will finish this game without me. You have mastered the techniques of psychological aikido.
And do not consider yourself my debtor. Your rapid mastery of the methods of psychologically literate communication is ample compensation for my efforts. Yes, and I inserted your story into a book. But if, in the course of your intensive activity, you keep me informed about your affairs, I will be very pleased, and if I can be of service to you, then I will be simply delighted. Good luck. M. Litvak.
When I talked about this incident in one of my lectures, one young sexy woman exclaimed indignantly: “What a cruel technique!” Yes, cruel from the position of this woman! What do you think, and if she had not rolled like a bun, from one man to another, would she have got into a similar situation?
And what do you think, my dear reader, is this a cruel technique or not?
I think not. For the kolobok, perhaps, this shake-up is also useful. And then, after all, you can roll up to the fox, and she will certainly eat him. Yes, and good must be able to protect itself, otherwise it will not be good, but evil.
And finally, the last letter of Timothy, which can be called an epilogue.
"I'm fine. Now I am actively involved in sports (I want to get in shape a little), I work a lot and willingly. The plans are to learn German better and be sure to get to one of your seminars.
As for my attitude towards my wife: I still love her, but I can no longer accept and even more so understand her actions and actions towards me and our daughter. The desire to manipulate her into returning was gone.
Why do I need this pacifier, albeit with a beautiful body? This is not for me. I deserve better. I really want her to leave as soon as possible: she seems to have rented an apartment, and this should happen soon. I'm looking forward to it. It looks like a not-so-pleasant division of property lies ahead, but I think I can handle it without much loss. I don't want to be offended in this matter either.
In relations with her now, my position is to prevent her from harming me voluntarily or involuntarily. I have a good relationship with her parents, with friends. Everyone gives me great support, although the main support for me is myself. Nevertheless, such an attitude on their part is very pleasant.
One of the important issues for me is building a good relationship with a child, on a different level. If possible, I will ask for your advice on this issue. The relationship with my daughter is important to me and I want to be a good father to her. So far like this. If possible, I - as soon as there is time and (until) my wife is at home - will call you to talk a little.
Thank you very much for your help. With deep respect, Timothy.
Agree, the situation when a woman sees the man of her dreams married is not as rare as many would like. And some of us go to great lengths to get our chosen one. Of course, it’s not in vain that they say that you can’t build your own on the ruins of someone else’s happiness, but the forbidden fruit is so sweet…
In any case, every girl should know how everything can end, in a situation, for her sake.
It's Complicated
Men, of course, leave the family for the sake of another, but this does not happen often, and the initiator of such a step is usually his new chosen one. However, very soon the euphoria is replaced by disappointment. After all, it is much easier to make a husband leave his family than to become happy with him later.
Of course, at first everything is like in a fairy tale - passions rage between you, romance, dates, gifts and everything else that a woman can dream of. But such a period ends sooner or later, and after it, tests of your pair for strength begin.
What can happen?
If you find yourself in such a situation and your husband left your family for your sake, be prepared that everything can end as suddenly as it began.
He gets tired of everything
A man over time begins to recall with annoyance about his family, which he abandoned for the sake of a new passion. He misses his children, his neighbors, his favorite couch. And the statistician is not lying - in more than 70% of cases, such a “prodigal son” tries to return back.
And the worst thing is that this happens when the lovebird is already used to and attached to him. Usually in this case, he begins to pour promises, they say, he will return when the children grow up, his wife's health will improve, and so on.
And the result is the same - the woman for whom her husband left the family remains completely alone, embittered and disappointed in everything. Worse, many believe such a peasant and often wait for many years for him to return.
You will lose interest
This is exactly what happens to female bitches, because their main goal is to win a guy so that he leaves his family for the sake of his mistress. And it is impossible not to admit that bitches succeed in this - they effortlessly tame anyone, forcing even a strong family man to rush into the maelstrom of passions. Seeing that such women twirl fans as they want, many girls even wonder,
But for such, the hunting process itself is important. And when the deed is done, the woman realizes that she has amused her pride and her “hunting fuse” has disappeared somewhere. Be that as it may, but “love to the grave” definitely does not interest her.
Of course, these are far from all the scenarios that can happen, but only a couple of the most likely ones. But the main thing is not this. It is important to understand that if a love triangle arises, then it is usually very difficult to understand who actually won and who lost. Therefore, even if you are sure that someone else's husband left his family for you, think three times whether the game is worth the candle ...
