Aggressive children cause. Why does a child become aggressive and what to do about it? Aggression in young children can be caused by problems in the family
ANGER AND AGGRESSION.
Outbursts of anger in a child of 2-3 years old can be quite strong and literally take his parents by surprise. Most often, the first reaction of parents to these negative feelings will be to deny and blame the child for having them.
What is the best way for parents to act? Which position is most justified from the point of view of child psychology?
Almost all caring parents think that a child surrounded by love and attention of relatives, just no reason to be angry. And this “groundless”, in their opinion, anger makes you think about whether everything is in order with their child: “Maybe we are to blame? Spoiled?" Naturally, the question also arises: “How should we treat this?” Ignore - wouldn't that encourage aggression? Explain and punish? But how do you explain such complex things to a child? And if he does not understand, then why should he be punished?
In the causes of children's aggression, we have to figure it out, as well as work out the right waytic of parental behavior. To begin with, it is only necessary to define what we mean by the word "aggression". First of all aggression will mean ag aggressive action, committed by the child in relation toconnection to other people. This can include biting, pinching, scratching, hitting, and other ways to physically hurt them. Aggressive actions include intentional damage by the child of toys and other objects in a fit of anger and anger. The “swearing” words that the child utters in the address of relatives - “I will kill”, “I will throw away”, etc., are manifestations of verbal (verbal) aggression. The words “anger” or “anger” will refer to the actual emotional state of the child, the negative feelings he experiences.
Well, now let's try to understand what drives a baby who attacks his beloved mother, grandmother and others with fists.
What happens to a child by the age of two - the age at which aggression against parents most often begins to manifest itself? The child is growing up: he has learned to control his arms and legs, mastered his body enough to move independently and explore the world around him, learned to use simple words to indicate his desires to his parents. And I realized that to some extent he controls his parents. He cried - mom came up, peed - mom changed clothes, got hungry - mom fed, etc. As the child develops, he improves the ways of attracting attention to himself, staying for the time being in a happy delusion that in the future his mother will guess all his desires and satisfy all his needs.
And then one day he is faced with a situation in which mom says no to him. Sooner or later, it becomes difficult for the mother to adapt to the ever-increasing needs of the child. Her refusal to fulfill this or that desire of the child can cause quite a lot of anger. According to the inner feeling of the child and the previous experience of his life, the mother "has no right" to refuse him. He is used to getting what he wants and does not understand why it should be otherwise. The child begins to protest, get angry, while resorting to the simplest aggression.
Is this normal? Absolutely normal! Anger is a normal reaction of a healthy body to an obstacle that prevents you from getting what you want. However, the child does not yet understand what his parents learned well in childhood. We don't always get what we want right away.. Sometimes we have to not only endureto wait, But And make significant efforts to desired achievement, enduringwith all sorts of inconveniences. Moreover, sometimes, Despite all efforts, we can't satisfy our desire. And with negative feelings in this regard, you also need to learn how to cope. It is precisely this experience of humility, of postponing one's desire "for later" that the child still lacks.
Our public social life is subject to many restrictions and prohibitions, which are still unknown to the child. Although for parents, these prohibitions have long become the norm and act automatically. And they expect the same from their child. “How can he not understand, because this is impossible!” But he does not understand, or rather, he has not yet understood. A child is not born with skill "endure" and "wait", he will have to learn this. And he will learn throughout preschool age (and beyond all his life). The task of parents help him in this, not indulging, but not rushing him and not judging.
He will also have to learn how to control his aggression. In addition to the ban on aggressive actions against others, there is an even stronger ban on manifestations of aggression against close people - relatives and family members. Sometimes parents are ready to understand the aggression of their baby, directed at a stranger, but are "offended" by him if these actions concern themselves. Sometimes, on the contrary, the mother “will not notice” the child’s aggressive antics against her, but she will be ashamed if the child starts doing the same at a party or on the street in the presence of strangers.
By the way, expressing anger, a child can harm not only others, but also himself. A child's anger can be directed both at those who caused it feelings - that is, on parents, and on “replacinggeneral objects - toys, furniture, etc. But sometimes the child directs her anger and rage at ... himself. For example, he may start hitting himself, pulling his hair, and even banging his head against the wall. In child psychology, there is a special term for this behavior - auto-aggression, or aggression directed at oneself. We will not delve into this topic now, but we will only notice that auto-aggression gets its development/feeding when other ways of expressing aggression are strictly prohibited. “You are bad, you beat your grandmother,” the parents say to the child. “I’m bad,” the child understands to himself. So, they say you need to punish yourself. As we can see, the child behaves very "logically". However, very quickly, his parents feel sorry for him. And not in vain, auto-aggression is not safe for the child's psyche, and its manifestations should be a signal to parents about his internal trouble.
So, speaking about the attitude of adults to manifestations of children's aggression, we noticed that at the core resentment is most often hidden representation, the child already has the ability to manage chowl anger, which means he hurts them on purpose,nano". That’s why the first thing parents should remind themselves of when faced with a child’s aggression is that he really “does not realize what he is doing” and does not control himself in sufficientexact measure to restrain your aggressive pulse. He does not yet understand that he is doing a bad deed, just as he does not understand that it hurts you, the baby may still not understand (not remember from sensations) what pain is in general. That is why it is very important for parents to indicate what is happening - obyapretend that they are in pain, and calmly explain to the child that "you can't fight and beat people."This ban and explanation needs to be repeated over and overacting to the child at the time of exercise aggressive actions- to catch his pen raised to hit, dodge bites, etc. Until the child realizes what is happening and learns to restrain himself of his own free will.
In response to the aggressive action of the child, the mother, as a last resort, may resort to light corporal punishment - a slap on the pope, squeezing the child's hand in the forearm, etc. This punishment will be, so to speak, symbolic. Its purpose is to indicate to the child the seriousness of his misdeed. This tool should not be abused. It will be effective if used occasionally, when it seems that such a punishment is appropriate. Of course, a 2-3-year-old child is already able to partially be aware of his actions, but very often he still cannot slow down his aggression at the moment when he is overcome by a feeling of anger. Although later he realizes his deed and sincerely repents. For example, a child can make remarks to toys: “You can’t fight, you can’t offend your mother,” although at the same time he himself can continue to swing and hit his mother.
In this case, some mothers begin to get even more annoyed with the child: “How is it - he knows what is impossible, but he does it anyway. So on purpose." However, these moms are just jumping to conclusions. Such a situation should be treated not as a "pedagogical failure", but as an intermediate success of one's influence. The child's behavior shows that he has already memorized the rule, knows what is expected of him, but just so far is not able to fulfill it whenever it is required. While emotions are stronger than him. And that's okay too. Any study takes time. And this time for yourself and the child must be given.
Thus, a preliminary conclusion can be drawn. The fact that the child is angry, swears and maybe aggressive - normal. This is not a sign of depravity or wrong upbringing. Anger in your own way origin is the same natural feeling asjoy or sadness. Anger is also energetically charged feeling, which in many situations helps to deal with difficulties, overcome obstaclesactions. Anger may be needed for self-defense, for asserting one's rights. Anger gives a signal to a person that some important need of his is not satisfied. That's why The child is faced with the task of suppress your anger in general, and learn to express itsafe for yourself and others. Ideally, you need to learn not only to express your anger in a civilized way, but also to turn this negative energy into constructive actions to overcome obstacles.
By forbidding a child to be angry and angry in general, by imposing a “taboo” on this feeling, parents can do their children a disservice. How does a child feel when parents shame him for being angry? "I'm bad, there's something wrong with me." Since anger naturally recurs over and over again, the child may become afraid of being rejected for having these "wrong" feelings. In place of anger, thus, come guilt and a sense of inferiority.
At the same time, anger does not evaporate anywhere, but remains unconscious, suppressed, which is fraught with inadequate outbursts of anger in situations where a person’s self-control is weakened, for example, in case of illness. This outburst of "forbidden" anger leaves behind a very heavy state of guilt, demoralizing the person even more and depriving him of the strength to deal with stress and ill health. Guilt and shame can be even less constructive than anger. And unlike anger, they don'tgive a person strength, but, on the contrary, weaken him,making you doubt yourself and your abilities.
To teach a child to control his anger and manage it, it is worth sharing the feeling of anger and aggressive behavior by the child. When you condemn a child's aggressive actions, you do not condemn him for his feelings. “You have the right to be angry, to be dissatisfied, to declare your disagreement,” you inform him. “But you must not hurt people and all living beings.”
So you impose a ban on aggressive actions, and not on feelings. At the same time, it is good if you indicate to the child a “permitted” action that will allow him to get rid of the accumulated tension: beat a punching bag (or a special toy “for hitting”), fight with pillows, arrange a battle with inflatable swords, tear old newspapers, crumple plasticine and etc. Thus, scientifically speaking, you “channel” his anger, which means you control it.
Now a few words about curses. Parents are equally negative about the manifestations of both physical and verbal aggression of children. Although from the point of view of child psychology, oddly enough, the expression of verbal aggression is preferable. Because it's a more "civilized" and more "adult" way to get angry. Agree, say - do not. This is why parents can initially teach their children to replace their aggressive actions with words. This will be the first step towards coping with your aggression.
It is great if the child learns to recognize his anger, when he himself can understand that he is angry now. And he will be able to learn this if you, his parents, will first recognize and designate his anger for him. When you notice that the child is unhappy and angry, you need to tell him about it (without judgment, calmly): "I see that you are angry." And then the next question-assumption: “Are you angry because ... it doesn’t work / you can’t / I don’t allow you, etc.?”.
In other words, you are reaching out to the child's mind, inviting him to identify the cause of the anger. This is the most valuable lesson for a small child: he can UNDERSTAND , let not immediately , that there is a specific reason for his experiences. Over time, he will be able to determine this cause himself, thereby moving from expressing emotions to analyzing them, which, of course, will allow him to learn to restrain his aggressive impulses. The next step for him will be the ability to enter into a contractual relationship with his mother, that is, to negotiate in order to obtain what he wants on certain conditions.
Thus, child education schemeanger looks like this:
1) first you designate for the child his condition - “you are angry” - and name a possible reason;
gradually the child learns to understand that he is angry, and connects his feelings with a specific reason;
at the same time, he learns to express his desires and needs in words and to make others understand what he needs: “I want ...”, “Now I want you ...”, “I don’t want you ... »;
Common Mistake parents is to suppress the feeling of anger in the child and the imposition of an absolute ban on the manifestation of any aggressive actions on his part.
Cause this is the fear of the parents. They are afraid that their child will grow up as an “asocial type” and will not love their parents. A deeper reason lies in the inability of parents to manage their own anger, which they were similarly “forbidden” to feel in childhood.
Parents should not shame and scold the baby for his feelings and for the fact that he is not yet able to cope with his aggression. It is bad if the child concludes: “I am bad, since I am angry; but since sometimes I can’t help but get angry, I get even more angry, I’m also angry that I’m forbidden to be angry.” As a result, he does not learn to control his aggression, he only learns to suppress it, which weakens him and deprives him of an important experience - the opportunity to learn to control himself.
Right Action parents are to stop the child at the moment he commits aggressive actions and tell him that you are unpleasant and hurt. For example, a mother can physically prevent the “attacks” of a nursing baby: take the nipple out of his mouth when trying to bite, stop his pen, raised for a slap, And etc. In the future, an older child should be taught to replace his aggressive actions with words, reporting what he is angry about. The child can also be taught other ways to express his anger, ways that are safe for him. And for others, to "channel" their aggression.
If a child is able to recognize his feeling of evilsti, identify and name the cause, and also talk about this to others, that means he's doing a great job with the difficult task of controlling their negativemy feelings, knows how to manage them.
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If aggressive behavior is manifested in approximately the same way in all children, then the causes of aggressiveness can vary significantly. Conventionally, it is customary to divide the causes of aggressiveness into biological (those that are due to hereditary factors) and social (related to the style of upbringing and communication in the family, in kindergarten and school, etc.).
Biological prerequisites for aggressiveness
Is it possible to explain the aggressiveness of a child only by genetically programmed qualities? Abroad, there are various scientific theories in which the innate qualities of a person are called the main and only cause of aggression. In one theory, scientists argue that genes are to blame. A person allegedly behaves aggressively with those people with whom he is not related, and, on the contrary, promotes those with whom he has similar genes. Another well-known theory - the theory of drives - belongs to 3. Freud. In it, he writes about the innate preconditions for aggression. According to the theory of drives, a person has two opposite instincts: the “life instinct” (creative, associated with love and care, it is provided by libido) and the “death instinct” (destructive, destructive, expressed in anger and hatred, in passion for destruction). From what instinct prevails in a person, his behavior depends. Moreover, psychoanalysts believed that aggression is difficult to manage, it cannot be overcome, but can only be temporarily restrained and sublimated (translated into creative activity, for example). The well-known Austrian ethologist K. Lorenz (ethology is the science of animal and human behavior) believes that aggression is the basis of dominance and determines the hierarchy of relationships that is built in the struggle for power. It is a natural instinct that serves to preserve life and the species.
In domestic psychology, the theory of B. Teplov about the types of temperament is known. The type of temperament (choleric, sanguine, melancholic or phlegmatic) directly determines what character traits the child will have. And, despite the fact that there are no “pure” types of temperament, there is always a leading, basic type that determines the nature of emotional response and behavior.
Phlegmatic children least likely to be aggressive. They are emotionally balanced, calm, practically nothing and no one can piss them off. Such children are slow, they think everything over for a long time, and only then they begin to act, behave judiciously. The only thing that causes them a stressful state is the lack of time, as well as changes in their usual environment.
Phlegmatic people are very rigid (conservative, prefer the same ways of thinking and behaving). In extremely rare cases, phlegmatic can be driven to rage. If you regularly demand the impossible from him (“Get dressed faster!”, “Eat soon, we are late!”, “Well, why are you such a mess!”), Then even a peaceful phlegmatic person can “boil”.
melancholic children are also considered non-aggressive. They are very emotionally sensitive, any little thing can upset them or scare them. Such children do not tolerate any innovations, a sudden change of scenery, noisy games and competitions with other children. All this causes them an acute stress state. In stress, the melancholic becomes isolated, withdraws into himself and practically becomes incapable of any productive activity. Inclined to blame himself for everything, it is the melancholic who is prone to bouts of auto-aggression (aggression directed at himself). A typical monologue of a melancholic first grader: “I'm the only one to blame for everything, everyone wrote down their homework, but I forgot, let them give me a deuce! Or get kicked out of the class forever! Because I'm the worst!" It all ends in tears. Suicide attempts in adolescence are characteristic of melancholics.
Sanguine children cheerful, optimistic, easily make new acquaintances, sociable, are the initiators of various games. Sanguine people love a change of activity, they quickly get carried away and can just as quickly quit a boring activity. In a stressful situation, they behave actively, boldly defending their own or other people's interests. Emotionally sanguine people are balanced, and therefore they rarely openly show aggression, trying to solve everything peacefully through compromise. Only when it is not possible to calmly resolve a difficult situation, a sanguine person can show aggression.
Choleric children are the most active, emotionally unbalanced, and therefore, naturally, more prone to aggression than others. By nature, they are irritable, quick-tempered, impatient, subject to frequent mood swings, it is difficult for them to do one thing for a long time, they quickly get tired. Poorly endure the waiting situation.
Cholerics quickly navigate in a new environment, instantly make decisions. However, as a rule, they act first and think later. This gives rise to many conflict situations that choleric people try to resolve with the help of a scream or a fight. Aggressive behavior in choleric people is due to their high emotional instability.
The girl, who dreamed of professionally practicing ballet, received a serious knee injury before entering the Vaganova School. The verdict of the doctors was a shock for the girl: she can never again do what she loves.
Arriving home, in a rage, she tore all her ballet costumes, threw away her pointe shoes, scattered all her things around the room and flatly refused to go to school.
In the heat of passion, choleric teens can commit suicide or delinquency.
Social prerequisites for aggressiveness
Aggressive parental behavior. We rarely realize that we are trying to raise our children the way we ourselves were raised in childhood. Therefore, if the father (or mother) of a child was beaten in childhood, then, naturally, he will consider physical punishment necessary.
One man said with a laugh that at school the teacher beat them on the hands with a ruler. Didn't learn the lesson - by the hair and head on the board! He still believes that this is the right thing to do and supports the desire of some countries to return to physical punishment in schools. He often beats his son. The boy became angry not only at his father, but at the whole world.
Consider another situation where parents have accumulated a lot of unresolved problems, life did not work out as they wanted, and they throw out all the irritation and negativism on the child. The child then gets it every day, any little thing infuriates such a parent.
One mother, after the birth of her second child, was forced to leave her beloved highly paid job and sit at home with two small children. The eldest child was very mobile, inquisitive, did not sit still for a minute. One day, going out for a walk in a new expensive suit, he slipped and fell into a puddle, hitting his knee painfully. The clothes were all dirty. Mom immediately cursed, yelled at her son, and when he started crying, she hit him hard in the face, breaking his lip. This woman has a higher education and a loving husband. I knew this boy from birth and saw that the older he gets, the more aggressiveness is manifested in his behavior, both towards people and towards animals.
Parents who humiliate their children by publicly insulting them form a child's low self-esteem, self-doubt and self-doubt. Remember: later on, the child will compensate for this with his aggressiveness.
Rough words, harsh tone, irritability and assault on his child embitter him. The child learns this model of parental behavior as the only possible and correct one.
Authoritarian parenting style. Some parents believe that the child is a helpless creature, and therefore it must be controlled and directed all the time. The child is driven into the framework of strict rules and norms, not allowing a single independent step. All this is done for the good of the child, as parents think. In reality, the child is deprived of the opportunity to be himself, to take the initiative. Some children react passively to such dictatorship; such children are usually timid, timid, insecure, choosing strong personalities as friends (later - a marriage partner). Another part of the children reacts actively, accumulating displeasure and anger, splashing it out in the form of outbreaks of aggression and protest behavior. It is these children who can subsequently commit offenses, run away from home in spite of their parents, who oppressed and suppressed them.
Family conflicts. In every family, even the happiest and most harmonious, conflict situations sometimes arise. In such cases, how they are resolved and what role the baby plays in this is very important. Unfortunately, the child is often the cause of family quarrels in one way or another (adults hold different views on education, or the baby serves as a tool for one of the parents to achieve their goals). In a family where conflicts between parents occur regularly, children do not feel safe and are constantly in suspense. They become nervous, fearful or aggressive, irritable. The most powerful shock for the psyche of the child is the divorce of the parents. The world familiar to him is collapsing, he loses a sense of security and trust in loved ones.
Serezha's parents divorced a little over a month ago.Previously, he was a calm, reasonable child who actively communicated with the children in kindergarten. After the divorce, caregivers began to constantly complain about sudden outbursts of aggression towards other children. The boy often shows irritability and stubbornness, refuses to participate in games.
Divorce. This is very stressful for a child. Parents should help the child adapt to the changes that have taken place, by demonstrating to the child that, despite the current situation in their family, he remains loved and significant in the life of each of them. It is sad that most parents are not able to cope with their emotional experiences. Being in nervous tension, they solve only their own problems and cannot pay attention to their son or daughter. Continuing to sort things out in the presence of the baby and blaming each other for the current situation, parents often try to attract the child to their side, and he, trying to draw attention to himself, often behaves defiantly and aggressively. It happens that parents throw out their irritation on the baby, pointing out those negative traits of character or appearance that the culprit of the break in relations has: “You are as sloppy as your father!”, “You are as stupid as your mother!” etc. At the same time, children in most cases tend to blame themselves for what is happening. “My parents separated because I misbehaved,” the kid suggests. In this case, the child may experience outbreaks of auto-aggression. Parents should explain to the baby the main thing: despite the fact that dad and mom will live separately, they love him and will communicate with him in the same way as before. It should be borne in mind that the reactions of girls and boys to the divorce of their parents sometimes differ: girls are more likely to have internal experiences, fears, irritability and increased anxiety, boys become aggressive and conflict.
unwanted child. Unfortunately, if the parents (especially the mother) were internally against the birth of a child, then in the future the child will always have emotional problems. Feeling unwanted, the child will try with all his might to prove that he is good, that he can do a lot. Usually such children, feeling that attempts to win parental love are futile, become nervous, embittered and easily commit aggressive acts.
Lack of attention from parents. Modern, always busy parents who pay too little attention to an active, restless baby also run the risk of facing the problem of child aggressiveness quite early. Not wanting to remain unnoticed and abandoned, the child attracts the attention he lacks by all available means.
Loaded with work and their problems, parents usually react to the child only when he "did something." The child argues like this: “It is better for them to scold me than not to pay attention at all,” and behaves aggressively, protesting against the indifference of their parents.
By the way, aggressiveness in children can also manifest itself in the opposite situation, that is, with an excess of attention. If parents inspire the child that he is the “center of the universe”, anticipate any of his desires, indulge and indulge beyond measure, then the child, deprived of this at one fine moment, gives out an outbreak of aggression. The hardest thing for such children is in the children's team. Not getting what they want, children can fall to the floor and start screaming heart-rendingly, waving their arms and legs. This situation is perfectly described by A. Kuprin in the story “White Poodle”: “A boy of eight or ten years old jumped out onto the terrace from the inner rooms like a bomb, uttering piercing cries.<...>without stopping his screeching for a second, he fell on his stomach on the stone floor with a running start, quickly rolled onto his back and, with great ferocity, began to jerk his arms and legs in all directions.<...>Despite his extreme excitement, he still strove to get his heels into the stomachs and legs of the people fussing around him ... ".
Restrictions and prohibitions. If at home or in kindergarten a child is constantly restricted in movement or in self-expression, then by the end of the day uncontrollable aggressive behavior will be quite natural. If a child is forbidden to run, jump and make noise at home, he will do it in kindergarten, and vice versa. That is why he will be an "angel" in one place, and "God's punishment" for adults in another. Energy must find a way out. It is unnatural and extremely harmful to the health of the child to block it. “Sit quietly, don’t interfere, read, draw, calm down, finally!” An active, mobile child simply does not hear all these shouts. If you haven't given your child the opportunity to release stress naturally, they will be nervous, irritable, and aggressive.
We have examined in such detail the causes of a child's aggressiveness related to the family only because in early and preschool childhood it is the family that determines what the child's character and behavior will be like. At the same time, it cannot be denied that children's aggressiveness also depends on other causes. The formation of aggressiveness is influenced by the behavior of peers and teachers in kindergarten (school), the media (in modern society, the impact of the media on the child's psyche is very high), computer addiction, background noise (it has been proven that people living near busy roads, airports, etc., the level of aggressiveness is much higher than that of residents of quiet areas), fatigue (especially chronic), lack of personal space (for example, when several generations live in a small apartment at once, and the child does not have the opportunity to retire), and many others. others
Computer games. I would like to pay special attention to the most urgent problem today - "The child and the computer." This topic does not leave the pages of newspapers and magazines, they talk about it on radio and television. No one doubts that the computer is not only a useful developmental thing, but also a system that, if used incorrectly, causes irreparable harm to health. Computer addiction has long been included in the ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases) as one of the diseases.
The son of my acquaintances from the age of 7-8 began to sit at the computer for a long time, over time he began to understand it well. Once he read a lot, talked with friends, but gradually the computer replaced everyone and everything. Now that he is 13 years old, he is ready to spend at the computer 24 hours a day. Naturally, parents try to regulate this process. However, if parents forbid sitting at the computer for more than an hour, the teenager experiences outbursts of rage and anger, he can start destroying everything in the apartment and doing everything in defiance.
This is a problem faced by at least every second parent. But the germs of this problem begin to ripen already at preschool age. Parents often ask whether it is necessary to buy a computer for a five-six-year-old child, how much time a day can a preschool child spend on it, and what can a child do at a computer? These are not idle questions. Unfortunately, the answers to them can change little in a modern life full of various electronic technology. It is convenient for a parent who is tired after work (who will argue with that!), When their child watches cartoons on a computer for 1-3 hours or more. This gives parents freedom and peace after a busy day at work. It is curious that even parents of one and a half year old children use such a “happy” opportunity to take a child!
It is believed that it is too early to buy a computer for a preschooler: he has a high need for movement, in communicating with peers, do not deprive him of these values. A preschooler can spend at the computer no more than 30 minutes a day. And the younger the child, the less time he should sit in front of the screen.
I can’t understand why the authors seek to endow the negative character with fangs, sharp teeth, horns and other attributes of aggression? Why does the outside take precedence over the inside? For example, in the old Soviet cartoon "Gray Sheika" there is a negative character - the Fox. There are other accents in this image: the children are afraid of her not for her threatening appearance, but for cunning and deceit, intonations of her voice and bad intentions. "Masha and the Bear" is a witty, funny modern cartoon that is interesting to watch for both adults and children. By the way, it perfectly reflects the psychology of the child.
Don't neglect the classics. Watch with your child kind, beautiful, bright cartoons that teach goodness: "Heron and Crane" by Y. Norshtein, "The Snow Queen", "Cinderella", "Thumbelina", "38 Parrots", "Eared and his friends", " Crocodile Gena and Cheburashka”, “The Adventures of Brownie Kuzi”, “Shake! Hello!”, “The Bremen Town Musicians” and many others. others
Parents themselves are tired of aggressive, meaningless television for children. With the advent of the Internet, they have a wonderful opportunity to choose what their children will watch and listen to.
Do not chase fashion, do not be afraid to be behind the times, because the main thing that your child should see from computer and TV screens is kindness and beauty.
Foreign scientists have calculated that, on average, physical or verbal aggression occurs on television screens every 4 minutes. Russian scientists have also found that children who watch TV for more than 3 hours a day are more aggressive and more vulnerable to aggression from others than those who spend less than 2 hours watching TV. It is up to you to decide and choose how best for your child to spend their free time, but you should not forget about the connection between your child's aggressiveness and the content of media products.
Age crises
Outbursts of aggressiveness are closely related to age-related crises that a child goes through. If an adult has age-related crises every 8-10 years, then a child experiences them more often. The peak of aggressive behavior can be observed at 3-4 years and at 6-7 years. These are natural and passing moments. How do crises unfold and how to respond to them?
Crisis 3 years
I have a mother of three-year-old Lisa at the reception. She is at a loss, her husband is indignant: the child seems to have been replaced. “About her,” says my mother, “she immediately throws herself on the floor and screams, says “I don’t want” and “I won’t” to everything.
Mom doesn't know it's okay. Whims and outbreaks of aggression at 3 years old is an indicator that the child is growing, developing and making attempts to assert itself. And he should not be punished for this, he should be helped.
Especially often the aggression of a three-year-old child is manifested in connection with the dissatisfaction of immediate desires. The more difficulties encountered in their implementation, the stronger the emotional outburst of the child, especially if he wanted to do something on his own. At this moment, the baby especially needs the emotional support of an adult. The child needs to be allowed to express his negative emotions: this is an important part of his development and growing up. You should not try to immediately extinguish negative experiences, and even more so emotionally react to the affective outbursts of the baby, which happened out of place and out of time.
The crisis of 3 years has very conditional age limits. It can begin at 2-2.5 years and proceed rapidly and rapidly, or it can go unnoticed by parents even at 3 years. The form, duration and severity of the manifestation will depend on the individual characteristics of the baby, the style of upbringing, family composition, etc. It is well known that the tougher the parents behave, the more acute the crisis phenomena are. The beginning of attending a kindergarten also has an unfavorable effect on the passage of the crisis. It is believed that it is better to send a child to a preschool until the age of 2, or about 4 years.
The crisis of 3 years begins with the growth of the child’s independence (“I can already do a lot myself”), when he tries to assert his “I” and establish new relationships with an adult. As a rule, adults do not have time to quickly reorganize and continue to communicate with the child as with a helpless little creature, limiting his independent attempts to achieve any goal. It is at this time that all the crisis phenomena characteristic of this age manifest themselves. It must be remembered that the more trusting and calmer the relationship of the child with the mother, the milder this crisis will be. Screaming, irritability, authoritarian parents will exacerbate the aggressive behavior of the child. Do not forget to praise the child even for small, but independent attempts to achieve results in any business - this is the key to the child's high self-esteem in the future. The child must necessarily have a feeling and experience of success, then the crisis will pass unnoticed and the child's behavior will even out.
In the unfavorable course of the crisis, associated, for example, with the wrong behavior of parents, the child may have undesirable character traits and aggressiveness, which will lead to a complication of relations with the child.
Crisis 7 years
The crisis of 7 years is a difficult period in the life of a child, when all his stereotypes change, all his ideas about the world that were formed earlier. The child, who previously behaved naively and directly, begins to comprehend his actions, to think them over in advance, the usual impulsiveness is replaced by internal concentration and the desire for even greater independence. Playing activities in kindergarten are replaced by educational ones at school, there are more rigid frameworks and rules that regulate all the activities of the child. All these transformations cannot but affect the behavior of the child. Therefore, he can often show aggressiveness in response to misunderstanding on the part of adults, failure in any activity, etc.
What to do?
Try to support and praise the child more for real successes and achievements, emphasizing that he can do a lot on his own.
Eliminate the commanding tone, be friendly.
It is necessary to jointly discuss the causes and consequences of certain actions, mistakes and ways to correct them.
Show sincere interest in the inner experiences and doubts of the child, do not ridicule his fears.
Spend more time doing art, reading, etc.
Do not focus on negative manifestations - and the child will not be interested in demonstrating them.
The most important thing is to try to be more attentive to your child, show more love, warmth, affection, tell him more often that you love him and miss him when you are not together.
Based on the materials of the book by E. I. Shapiro
To understand the causes of aggressive behavior in a child, you first need to understand what aggression is. Psychologists say that aggression is not an attitude, not a motive, and not even an emotion. Aggression is not a healthy pattern of behavior that is laid down in early childhood. The reasons that provoke the development of an aggressive model of a child's behavior have a very real basis, so it is extremely important not only to know about them, but also not to ignore the possible consequences.
We have selected the most common causes of aggression in children, according to experts:
Reason #1 - Rejection by parents
This reason is one of the basic ones, since according to statistics, most often aggressive behavior patterns appear in unwanted babies. If a child appeared with parents who were consciously or subconsciously not ready for this, he not only intuitively senses a catch, but also “reads” this information from intonation and gestures. Such a child tries to prove that he is good and has the right to exist. However, it does so, as a rule, rather aggressively.
Reason #2 - Hostility
It is very difficult for a child whose parents are hostile to him. Over time, this kid transfers the attitude of his parents to the world around him, which seems to him far from being friendly. If parents allow you to take out your negativity on a child or blame the baby for their own failures, the child not only loses self-confidence, he develops fears and phobias. Over time, the lack of a sense of security and stability leads to bursts of aggression that are directed at parents.
Reason #3 - Destruction of emotional bonds
If a child is forced to live with parents who treat each other with disrespect or hostility, his life turns into a nightmare. It is especially sad when a child is not just a witness to family quarrels, but also a participant in dramatic events.
As a result, the baby is either in constant tension, suffering from family disputes and an unstable situation in the house, or begins to harden in soul and become a subtle manipulator with a very aggressive behavior model.
Reason number 4 - Disrespect for the personality of the baby
Aggressive behavior can be caused by tactless and incorrect criticism, humiliating and offensive remarks, especially if they were made publicly. Disrespect for the personality of the baby, and even more so his humiliation, can cause serious complexes that destroy self-confidence.
Reason #5 - Over control
As a rule, excessive control over the behavior of the child is established by parents who are tough and domineering. However, in an effort to control every step, mom and dad should not forget that by doing so they suppress the personality and hinder the development of their child. In addition, overprotection causes not so much love as fear and a desire to run away. The end result of such a tough upbringing will be the aggressive behavior of the child, aimed at others (adults and children). A kind of veiled protest against the “oppression” of the individual, rejection of the situation of subordination, the existing state of affairs, the struggle against prohibitions. In an attempt to protect his Self, the child chooses an attack as a form of defense, even when he is not in danger.
Reason #6 - Too Much Attention
When a child is given a lot of attention in the family, he quickly gets used to it and becomes spoiled. Over time, the desire of parents to please the baby turns against them. If the next desire of such a child is not fulfilled, in response, the parents receive an outbreak of aggression in the form of a rolled up tantrum or “quiet” meanness.
Reason #7 - Lack of attention
Eternal employment of parents also generates aggressive behavior in kids. In this case, aggression is used as a way to attract parental attention, even in a negative form. The child feels lonely and defenseless, he is frightened by the indifference of his parents and, as a result, aggressive, inadequate actions.
Reason #8 - Feeling afraid
It should also be remembered that bursts of aggression can be caused by the baby's anxiety and are dictated by fear. Quite often, aggressive behavior is a child's cry for help, behind which there is a real tragedy and genuine grief. As a rule, a frightened person acts and thinks inappropriately to the situation. A frightened child also releases the situation out of control and ceases to understand who is his enemy and who is his friend.
Sergey Vasilenkov for the Women's magazine "Charm"
I have two children. Senior 2.7. Youngest 11 months old As soon as she gave birth to the second, the daughter moved away. One dad, no mom needed. It hits me, drives me, etc. (jealousy). Went to the nursery and began, the nature of the horror. Rolls everywhere. For the word * impossible, no, refusal * - beats everyone. Crying in the store, the woman in line says, now I'll pick you up. My daughter came up and hit her... She hits her brother at home. And the psychologist says everything is OK with you. The crisis of 3 years came earlier, because she is the eldest and she had to gain independence. But I feel like I began to aggress on her. If she hit me, I hit her back. If the younger one is even more annoying - he gets it. I feel my hatred for her. Her character and the fact that she always drives me away from herself and is not given, this apparently offends me and I am aggressive. I tried to change my behavior. But as soon as she starts hitting someone, I can't watch it..... Anger rages (Guest)
This is tough, I myself have three children, the youngest will be 9 months old. I can’t even imagine that I can throw her on the bed and even more so punch her in the ass. I am alone with the children, all relatives are in another city, my husband works on a rotational basis. I can yell at elders when misbehaving. You need help so as not to harm the child Tozhn offended the daughter so tired .. she pulled her cheeks and squeezed ... learned to cope. Ksk current anger sets in, I count to 10. Then I manage without counting! Hello! I love my son very much, he is 9 years old, but when we do math I get furious .... I explain 10 times and all in vain .... I start screaming wildly and I can hit ...... he afraid of me ..... and when I cool down I'm ready to kill myself for my behavior .... I'm very sorry for my baby. Help. Olga (Guest)
How I liked your words, it even became easier, with me exactly the same situation is still happening.
You should also watch these videos and calm down.
Thank you. I had a birth psychosis after the birth of my second child, he infuriated me, I didn’t want to console him when he sobbed for a long time, I could push him rudely when he was capricious, he raised his voice, the older one, also a small one, began to get it, although I used to she didn’t raise her voice, everything was seen in black, and once, when he sobbed again, I generally thought “so you die.” I, or rather my child, was saved only by a high level of awareness and self-control, but it was still difficult to control emotions. Shock therapy helped me and I recommend trying it: watch real scenes of child abuse on YouTube. I realized that I can do the same thing, that in my soul I am the same, that anger feeds me, I seem to be possessed by demons and love leaves my soul. I felt so bad watching these videos that my stomach cramped, and after that, even in moments of irritation and strong emotional stress, I understand that my baby’s happiness is more important than cleaning, routine, fatigue - any business and problems. Because it is a gift, because the fact that I have it is happiness in itself, and not when it is convenient for me, because I brought him into this world and I am his protection, because no one should suffer ... I swore that I will never become like these monsters on the video, I will not hurt anyone else, if it is only in my power. Find love in your heart, because if you are trying, at this moment you don’t have love in your heart. I think it’s time for me to treat my head to the doctor. I have a 9.5 month old daughter. I lash out at her and scream. She gets scared, and I roar and ask for forgiveness. It's impossible to live like that. I break down only when we sit down to eat. He eats two spoons and walks in a highchair, plays, stops eating. An outburst of anger appears abruptly, so I don’t have time to count to 10 or start breathing. I scold myself that I can’t scream, I understand that she is small and I don’t do it on purpose, but I can’t help myself. You can not beat children under any circumstances. We give birth to a child from a loved one! We rejoice when a child is born. This is an ANGEL for us!!! It depends only on us. We are obliged to look after him, we must love him, feed him, clothe him and raise him! But we have no right to raise our hands against him, let alone raise our voice... And there is no excuse for those mothers who use violence against defenseless babies. Such "nervous" people who are ready to kill a child should immediately seize their children before they make them crippled .... There is no excuse for them. They won't change because their aggression is off the charts. You gave birth for someone, for yourself, so be kind enough to look after your ANGEL, they will be useful to you in old age ... And remember, children remember everything and do not forget. Love and take care of your children, and you will have a good old age !! I offended my daughter. 6 months. I threw it on the sofa. I scared the poor child. I can’t forgive myself. This seems to be the limit. I haven’t killed well yet. What to do how to live. How to live. Roar HOPELESS Fatigue hopelessness. The third birth is almost disabled. water, a house without amenities, without a bath and a toilet, a stove is all romance, but it exhausts NO FORCE. children are the flowers of life should rejoice at them and live for them and go, but why do they cause hatred where is this problem where in which corner of the subconscious how to pull it out into the light how to understand why you hate a child instead of regret when it cries anger boils irritation is ready to kill. What is the reason how to dig it out. Relax and I can’t do anything. Nothing. No kina or normal sex. My husband’s sex satisfies, but he doesn’t grieve about me once or twice and it’s ready. He is disabled with a fatal diagnosis of the future. . They consider me Mother Teresa, but I hate them all, him and the children, I'm squeezed out like a sponge, nothing. Emptiness and fatigue, irritation and hatred. Hello! I can not control myself, I hide on children, one child is 10 years old and the other is 11 months old. There’s not a lot of help from my son around the house, as soon as I start leaving them alone in the room, and I myself will do the dishes according to mine, I’ll cook. If something happens, then the child of 11 months will fall off the couch, I begin to break loose, shout at my son why I didn’t get coal. And so I’m hiding for every little thing, my son doesn’t hear me for 10 years, you tell him, and he pays zero attention once, said, twice ✌ said and again I’m already starting to break loose and can’t control myself, I can slap on the ass and put in a corner. What to do in such situations? I can't go on living like this. I just get tired from 7 in the morning until the evening on my feet there is no rest.
The causes of child aggression should be sought in the following factors:
- hereditary predisposition. In some cases, we take a lot from our ancestors, which is natural and understandable. Genetics is a science that explains the influence of inherent inclinations on a child. With aggressive parents, the baby often receives heredity of the same kind, which will become a big problem for him in later life.
- Warehouse temperament. Even calm parents may have a choleric child who will violently show their emotions. At the same time, it can be extremely difficult for him to control himself, because there is still no life experience and self-discipline. In addition, the hyperactivity of a little fidget often requires an outburst of emotions that are not always positive for others.
- Wrong parenting model. You need to praise your child, but without explicit enumeration in this process. Excessive indulgence of children's desires and quirks can lead to aggression of the child at the slightest refusal of the request voiced by him. Protest is often expressed in the form of hysterics and even attempts to hit a weak parent.
- Incorrect criticism. Reprimand must be present in the educational process of any child, but it must always be balanced and appropriate. A small person can rebel if she is humiliated in front of strangers. Every adult person will not tolerate such an attitude towards himself, but for some reason this is forgotten when it comes to a small person.
- critical age. Experts say that at certain times in children there are some outbreaks of aggression. This applies to the period when the child is three years old, seven and twelve to fourteen years old. It should be noted that in this case aggression will have a different nature of formation. This is not surprising, because when studying the world around, a small researcher gains experience, and his wishes change dramatically.
- Imitation of peers. Someone else's example is not always positive when it comes to aggression in childhood. Very often the child begins to copy the behavior of his acquaintance, who seems to him strong and courageous in the manifestation of his obvious cruelty. The most terrible thing happens when such dangerous interest clubs are created.
- Jealousy towards parents. Sometimes dad and mom cannot understand what happened to their once calm child, who was simply replaced. The reason for aggressive behavior may be jealousy of the born brother or sister, because the main attention of parents is now directed to the baby. A similar situation also arises when a new representative appears in a once incomplete family, who encroaches on the love of dad or mom.
- Problems in the children's team. A child can be aggressive if he is under pressure from a large number of peers. This resembles a kind of persecution, against which it is difficult for an unformed personality to resist. Such persecution can unsettle even an adult, so aggression as self-defense in this case is quite common.
Varieties of child aggression
Psychologists distinguish several types of manifestation of inappropriate behavior in a child. Types of child aggression experts classify as follows:
- Physical hostility. It can be expressed in systematic provocations for a fight, as well as in damage to things. An aggressive child of this type allows himself to be cruel to animals, which should definitely alarm parents and teachers.
- Verbal (verbal) hostility. Such noisy children often become a big problem for their fathers and mothers, as well as for representatives of educational institutions. Screaming and swearing is the natural state of little bullies with verbal aggression.
- Negativism. Being in constant opposition is becoming the norm for young rebels. At the same time, they are not afraid of loneliness, because they are comfortable being in the company of themselves.
- indirect aggression. Children with this behavior model do not rush into a fight, but at the same time they are quite aggressive. They can stomp their feet, hysteria and organize the persecution of their peers, making malicious jokes about them and giving offensive nicknames of the same age.
- Self-aggression. In this case, the accumulated negativity or resentment towards the immediate environment can play a cruel joke on the child. Auto-aggression is dangerous because it becomes a destructive factor for an unformed personality.
Consequences of child aggression
All negative actions have their natural consequences over time. The manifestation of child aggression can lead to such disastrous results:
- Rejection by others. No one likes to be humiliated, causing moral or physical inconvenience. In this case, the child tries to protect himself from his peer-aggressor, which is a normal reaction and protection from the offender. Consequently, in the end, a fighter and a bully can remain in splendid isolation when he is boycotted by other children.
- unfortunate fate. Accustomed to impunity and indulgence on the part of parents, a small aggressor can grow into a big tyrant. It is not a fact that his life will turn out well at the same time, because few people want to communicate with such a person. We all strive for comfort, therefore, to endure ridicule, humiliation and physical reprisal against ourselves is a clear bust for an adequate personality.
- Opportunity to form informal groupings. An aggressive child may not be left alone, having met children with the same behavior pattern. However, you should not rejoice at this fact, since all this is fraught with problems with the law in the future. Informal associations, which are connected by an idea dangerous to society, are the end of all hopes for the future for every teenager.
Important! If parents are really interested in their child growing up as a decent person, then in no case should the child be allowed to be aggressive. It is recommended to closely monitor the little troublemaker in order to correct his behavior in time.
Methods for dealing with child aggression
Experts argue that a sharp approach to correcting the current situation will only exacerbate the problem. All this is a logical conclusion, because evil always becomes an additional provocateur of another evil in response.
The consequences of child aggression are always unpredictable, so psychologists offer the following methods to deal with the inappropriate behavior of a little brawler:
- Controlling the child's actions. It is possible to hide your head in the sand according to the principle of self-defense of an ostrich, but this will not lead to anything good. If you do not pay attention to the outbursts of anger of the young bully, then this will turn into such a dangerous factor as permissiveness. The aggressor will understand that his behavior suits everyone perfectly, and will begin to act even more loosely and defiantly.
- The principle of the "golden mean". The method of the whip and the doubly desired after this gingerbread has not yet been canceled. At the same time, you need to control your emotions so as not to go too far. The child must clearly understand that he upset his parents and behaves incorrectly. Otherwise, he will decide for himself that since adults allow themselves aggression, then God himself ordered him to act on the same principle.
- love therapy. We all are kind to our children, but we do not always know how to demonstrate it correctly. Trying in severity to raise a real man from a boy, and an iron lady from a girl, we injure the psyche of our offspring. The child has a completely logical protest against adult tyrants, which then results in wild antics and outright protest marches.
- Correctional work with a psychologist. This technique can be very useful if children have persistent and cyclic mood variability. At the same time, parents do not know how to deal with children's aggression on their own. There are many ways to help a child in a difficult situation with the help of a properly coordinated impact on the psychological state of a small patient. The already traditional role-playing game can change a lot in the behavior of a difficult baby or teenager.
Prevention of child aggression
It is better to prevent the problem than to fight it courageously later. Prevention of child aggression may include the following points:
- Calm home environment. In a family where it is not customary to raise your voice at each other, the question of dealing with children's outbursts of anger usually does not arise. Even scolding a child for a fault, it is necessary to clearly, but measuredly explain to him your claims. Such a model of adult behavior will be a good example for their younger generation and an excellent correction of children's aggression.
- Organized leisure. If a beloved child is fond of something, then he will have little time for senseless and unproductive outbursts of anger. A boy or girl who is potentially prone to fights can be offered a visit to the sports section. A smart decision would be to assign a little provocateur to a martial arts group led by an experienced and wise coach. In such sports organizations, they teach not only the techniques of hand-to-hand combat, but also the ability to control their emotions.
- Restriction of access to the media. At the same time, no one proposes a ban on watching a cartoon about a deer Bambi, because this animation carries only a positive educational charge. However, the same Internet just sometimes resembles a time bomb in terms of the quality of the information products offered. The child absorbs everything like a sponge, therefore, in order to prevent aggressiveness, it is necessary to monitor what your beloved child is watching.
- Controlling the child's environment. Very often, society forms the worldview of the younger generation. It is useless to fight this, but it is quite possible to correct the situation. There is an excellent expression that tell me about your friend and characterize yourself at the same time. It is very problematic to choose the circle of their communication for children, forbidding any relationship with a local hooligan and bully. Gold that glitters is not always, and you can just have a heart-to-heart talk with your child, trying to find out the positive aspects of an alarming friendship.
Children's aggression is a phenomenon that must be dealt with. Wise parents will try to prevent a son or daughter from having a voiced behavior pattern, but in life you can’t plan everything at your own discretion. Knowing their child best of all, the father and mother will always decide for themselves how to cope with child aggression. In particularly problematic cases, you can seek help from a psychotherapist who will help you find a way out of a critical situation.
