Aggression in a child what to do. Aggressive child

What is he, an aggressive child? Such a kid loses control over himself, argues with adults. With peers is rude and ruthless. He does not admit mistakes, and tries to shift his guilt onto others. Usually aggressive children are vengeful, envious, wary and suspicious.

An aggressive child uses every opportunity to push or hit someone, to destroy or break something. His behavior is often provocative: he is ready to anger his mother, teacher or peers in order to provoke an aggressive response. The little bully will not calm down until the adult "explodes" and the surrounding children do not get into a fight.

The bully will deliberately dress more slowly, refuse to put away toys, wash his hands. And when he hears his mother's cry or receives a slap, he will be ready to burst into tears. He will calm down only when his mother comforts and caresses him. This way of getting attention is original and absurd, but it is the only mechanism for the "exit" of emotional overstrain and accumulated internal anxiety.

Causes of aggressive behavior in children

The reasons that provoke aggressive behavior are quite real. Their identification is a paramount task, because ignoring the source of the problem will significantly reduce the chances of combating the manifestation of anger in the baby.

Family situation

Very often, aggression in children is manifested as a result of disagreements in the family. There may be many options. The main ones are:

Rejection of children by parents. According to statistics, unwanted children are more prone to attacks of aggression. Even in the case when the parents do not directly tell the baby that they did not want him to be born, he is able to feel it. The unwanted child is trying to prove that he has the right to exist. Such a baby needs parental affection, and he tries to win it, often using aggressive methods. No recommendations will help correct the behavior of the crumbs if he does not feel the love of the people closest to him.
Parental indifference or hostility. It happens that mom and dad blame the child for their troubles. Most often, this is undeserved, and the baby tries to attract attention with aggressive behavior.
Destruction of emotional ties. When parents constantly swear, and family life is like a volcano, ready to erupt every minute, the existence of a child becomes a real test. The kid is in constant tension, suffers from conflicts between the closest people for him. Often, as a result, the child becomes callous in soul, becoming an excellent manipulator who is sure that the world around him is indebted to him. Accordingly, the situation when it is necessary to sacrifice something is accepted by the crumbs with hostility and causes the manifestation of aggressive behavior.
Disrespectful attitude towards the personality of the child. Tactless, incorrect criticism, humiliating and insulting remarks can arouse not only an angry reaction, but also undisguised rage. In addition, such treatment of a baby can give rise to serious complexes, cause uncertainty, as a result of which passive aggression directed at oneself will be added to the active manifestations of anger.
Child control. Excessive control (as well as its complete absence) lead to the child's attempts to defend his "I". In this case, an aggressive form of protection is often used. Such a kid is used to looking at the world skeptically and not trusting others.

"Personal reasons

Such causes of child aggression are associated with the psycho-emotional state of the child. The most common ones are:

Subconscious expectation of danger. Quite often, the behavior of the baby is dictated by fear. When a baby is scared, it is difficult for him to understand which of those around him is a friend and who is an enemy. And at this moment, a defensive reaction in the form of aggression is activated.
Emotional instability often causes a child's angry behavior. Children under seven years of age are especially susceptible to this, because they are emotional, and their mood changes under the influence of poor health or banal fatigue. When manifestations of negative emotions or irritation in a child are considered unacceptable and are maximally suppressed by parents, unmotivated outbursts of children's anger can result. In this case, the object of the baby’s aggression is not the “offender”, but everything that comes to hand (toys, a flowerpot, a small kitten).
Self-dissatisfaction is often caused by a lack of emotional parental encouragement. Such a child is not taught to love and respect himself. And when a person (even a small one) does not love himself, he is not able to love others. In this case, a defiant attitude towards the world around him is quite logical on his part.
Guilt. A toddler who feels shame or guilt often redirects his own negative emotions towards the person he offended.

Situational causes

Children's aggression can be caused by a certain situation in which the baby finds himself. For example:

Fatigue, feeling unwell. A particularly impressionable child may give out an aggressive reaction due to general, emotional or nervous overwork. If the baby has had enough sleep and feels great, he, as a rule, reacts quite calmly even to the most provoking situation.
The influence of food. Nervousness, anxiety, aggressiveness of the child can cause excessive consumption of chocolate. In addition, the influence of blood cholesterol levels on the tendency to anger has been proven - the lower this level, the greater the likelihood of attacks of aggression in a person. So don't limit your intake to a tiny bit of fat too much (within reason, of course).
environmental factors. If it seemed to you that the baby is showing increased aggressiveness, evaluate the situation around you: noise, vibration, heat or excessive tightness often cause excessive irritability. Very often, children who live near busy highways or train tracks are more aggressive than their peers who live in quiet, calm areas.

Temperament

The type of temperament also refers to the causes of the manifestation of children's aggression. Temperament is a constant and unchanging characteristic. There are no recommendations for its correction, it is impossible to change the temperament. However, learning to use both its positive and negative sides is quite realistic. There are only four types of temperament:

melancholic;
phlegmatic people;
sanguine;
choleric.

Melancholic children suffer from stress caused by any innovation or any kind of competition. They are sensitive, vulnerable and least of all prone to angry attacks. But passive aggression is a hallmark of melancholics.
Phlegmatic people are also not aggressive. Their nervous system is so balanced that even serious problems rarely piss them off. In addition, a phlegmatic child is not at all prone to passive aggression.
Sanguine prefers to resolve any, even the most conflict situations, peacefully. A kid with this type of temperament needs change, he loves new places, faces, sensations. The aggressive behavior of a sanguine person is possible when he is convinced that the problem cannot be solved calmly. But a sense of guilt or awareness of responsibility for mistakes can “drive” him into passive aggressiveness.
Cholerics have a natural tendency to express anger and rage. This is due to their extreme nervous and emotional imbalance. Choleric children are irritable and quick-tempered. As a rule, they first do, and then think about how they should do it. In addition to active, they are also characterized by passive aggression, which can lead to a persistent depressive state.

Socio-biological causes

It is absolutely natural that boys are much more likely than girls to show active aggression. In our society, stereotypes have become stronger that a man simply has to be strong and, as a result, aggressive. Boys often behave defiantly so as not to be an outcast surrounded by their friends.

Often, children's aggression is due to social reasons: prejudices, value systems and attitudes of adults that matter to him. For example, a kid from a family in which the attitude towards people depends on their position in society is able to restrain himself in front of a teacher, but without a twinge of conscience, he will be rude to a cleaning lady or a janitor. And if everything in a family is measured by the amount of money, then even a small child can be disrespectful and aggressive towards those who earn little.

Age features of manifestation of children's aggression

Initially, a child is a friendly creature. Whatever conditions surround him, the first social phenomenon will be just a smile. When a baby grows up in an atmosphere of mutual understanding and love, there are very few prerequisites for the appearance of persistent aggressive behavior. Like fear, aggression in children arises from the fact that the child's basic sense of trust in the world around him simply has not been formed.

zero to one year

Already from the first months, the baby is able to make it clear that he is dissatisfied with any actions of an adult. He screams, cries, grimaces. Over time, the baby takes possession of his body and accompanies the negative emotion with the movements of his arms and legs. And in the future, kicks, throwing toys and other demonstrative forms of behavior are added to such manifestations of aggression.

In infancy, it is not uncommon for a child to react with an angry reaction to his mother. The reason for this behavior is directly related to the attitude of the mother to her duties.

If caring for a baby is accompanied by frank irritation (“this diaper again!”, “When will it end?”), the baby will surely take over the negative and show aggression.

From a year to two

After a year, the activity of the baby increases. As a rule, he begins to walk, as a result of which research opportunities are expanding. And aggression manifests itself just in the sphere of communication, training and mastering the elementary rules of behavior.

At this age, aggression in children is associated with the inconsistency of dad and mom. If the fidget is introduced to the rules of behavior “by mood” or he is allowed to do whatever he pleases, the crumbs will not form the basic concepts of “no”. And when these “no” suddenly appear, he can react violently to it.

two to three years

Children of two or three years old strive for independence. Often they are determined to defend their own against the will of their parents. At this age, the baby does not understand the pain of others and is not able to put himself in the place of another, which causes aggression and even childish cruelty.

Usually a kid of two or three years old goes to kindergarten, where the development of interaction with peers begins. Conflicts between children arise most often because of the desire to possess a toy. And if parents and educators are intolerant of the manifestation of open aggression, the result is the formation of symbolic forms of aggressiveness (whining, stubbornness, snorting, disobedience).

Preschool children

Aggressive children of three or four years old are distinguished by the phenomenon of "transfer": the child does not dare to openly pour out his anger on his parents, and something more harmless becomes the object of anger.

The behavior of five-six-year-old children often contradicts generally accepted norms and can lead to physical and moral damage to others.

Often the aggressive behavior of preschool children is due to the nature of socialization: the child seeks to imitate adults. Seeing the furious attacks of the elders, he copies them. If at this stage such behavior is not stopped or, moreover, supported by others, the little bully will very soon consciously begin to behave unacceptably.

How to overcome aggression in a child

Aggressive behavior in preschool children is not uncommon, but during this period it is still possible to avoid the transformation of aggressiveness into a stable character trait. And if you miss the moment, in the future problems may arise that will stand in the way of the formation of personality and prevent the disclosure of the individual potential of the child. Aggressive children need help, because the tendency to anger distorts their perception of the surrounding reality, makes them see only neglect and hostility around them.

An aggressive child causes a lot of problems for family members, and his upbringing is not an easy task. However, there are a number of recommendations designed to help parents subdue their bully:

build a system of requirements, show the child a positive example;
follow the established rules, maintain discipline;
let the baby know that you love him for who he is;
always consider the ability of the crumbs to fulfill your requirements;
direct excess energy into a peaceful direction (sports sections, singing, drawing);
mild manifestations of aggressiveness must be ignored without drawing the attention of others;
connect your child to joint activities, do not forget to emphasize the importance of his contribution to the common cause;
establish a ban on aggression if its manifestation is not a defensive reaction, but a kind of entertainment for the baby;
aggressive children do not understand what pity is - it is necessary to convey to them that excessive anger brings suffering to loved ones;
if a child needs to throw out negative emotions, choose a suitable game or activity for him;
try to restrain the angry impulses of the baby immediately before the manifestation (shout, intercept the hand raised to strike);
aggressive children violently express negative emotions - teach your child to splash out negativity in a more acceptable form (first by transferring rage from a living object to an inanimate object, and then by verbally expressing their feelings).

Games and activities for aggressive children

You can use art therapy to help your child cope with their aggressiveness. Give your child a large sheet of paper with a pencil and ask them to draw squiggles. By the degree of sweeping and the intensity of pressing, you will notice how the tension disappears. Then the "evil" piece of paper can be torn.

Come up with some fantastic ferocious animal, draw it. A sheet with a picture - a kind of "leaf of anger" - will need to be crushed and thrown away in a fit of rage. Such an exercise will allow the baby to learn that aggression can be transferred to something permitted, and not to others.

In the fight against anger, fairy tale therapy is also used. Sometimes, in the process of reading psychological fairy tales, a child undergoes a “revolution in consciousness”. When a kid tries to help a fairy-tale hero solve some problem, he learns to overcome his own problems.

Special games are widely used to correct aggressive behavior.

For example:

Sparrow fights (to eliminate physical aggression). Children are divided into pairs and reincarnated as “brawling sparrows” (clasping their knees with their hands, they squat). "Sparrows" are pushing, bouncing sideways to each other. Which of the kids takes his hands off his knees or falls - is out of the game (and goes to treat "paws" and "wings" with Dr. Aibolit).
A minute of pranks (for psycho-emotional relief). At the signal of the leader, the children begin to indulge - run, jump, somersault, spin, squat. One or three minutes - and there is a repeated signal from the host, who announces an end to pranks.
Capricious child (to overcome stubbornness and negativism). The children stand in a circle and take turns playing the role of a naughty child, while the rest encourage them with the words: “Even harder! Stronger!". Then the children are divided into pairs: "child" and "parent". The "child" is naughty, and the "parent" is trying to calm him down. Each of the players must be in both roles.

Finally

Often, children's aggression is the result of pampering and connivance on the part of adults. However, most often this is one of the signs of internal emotional distress, an inadequate attempt to psychologically protect the baby, no matter how old he is;
In the process of raising a child prone to anger, suppressing aggressive behavior is not the most important thing. The main task is to teach the baby to cope with a similar condition;
And a very important point is to help the child realize what a diverse palette of feelings he can experience, and how it is customary in society to express these feelings.

Many parents, in trying to root out any hint of aggression in their child, tend to focus on superficial symptoms and ignore the root of the problem. As a result, the situation is aggravated even more.

Causes of child aggression

Aggression is often the result of frustration when one or another need of the child is not satisfied. A child who experiences hunger, lack of sleep, feeling unwell, feeling less loved, less desirable, perhaps rejected by his parents/peers - may become aggressive, which will be expressed in an attempt to cause physical or moral harm to himself or others.

It is quite clear to many parents what “conditions suitable for the upbringing and development of the child” are: the child must be fed on time, dressed, shod, provided with circles / teachers, etc. Such a concept as "lack of parental love and care" is puzzling.

Meanwhile, many children experience a lack of love in the family due to the parent's inattention to the wishes of the child himself, as well as due to numerous quarrels between parents, divorce, illness or death of one of the parents, and due to physical and / or psychological abuse.

The child, in pursuit of parental love, uses physical force in relation to younger and weaker brothers and sisters, or exerts psychological pressure on them in order to assert themselves. Later, he will learn to apply the new skills he has acquired in the circle of his peers.

How does child aggression manifest itself at different ages?

The founders of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, Melanie Kline and others wrote that aggression is an innate instinct. An example of this can be seen when babies from an overabundance of love begin to beat their mother. It is important to stop this behavior, and explain with the words "Mom hurts."

Over time, in the process of education, the child learns to cope with internal aggression, using psychological defense mechanisms, such as sublimation, expressing his aggression on paper, or projection, transferring internal aggression to others and perceiving them as aggressive people, etc. And it can translate aggression into constructive activity.

So, in an attempt to avoid the manifestation of aggression, your child suddenly begins to actively clean the house, selflessly learn a new piece on a musical instrument, play sports, etc.

In early childhood, the manifestation of aggressive behavior is considered the norm, but with age it becomes unacceptable. The child must learn to express his feelings in words and young aggressors become professionals in the epistolary genre. Physical aggression smoothly transforms into psychological attacks. From the age of 10, a frequent form of aggression in schools towards a child is a boycott.

Types of child aggression

There is an open manifestation of aggression - when your child expresses his protest with screams or fists. Children and adolescents who do not know how to openly conflict and express their disagreement and dissatisfaction, conflict in a hidden form and often their aggression leads to self-destruction.

An example of such latent aggression at a young age can be problematic behavior with peers: a desire to subdue another, an inability to come to a common decision, an unwillingness to study, do homework, encopresis (fecal incontinence), casual phrases about not wanting to live, stomach / head pain (although tests carried out in the clinic show that the child is healthy).

In adolescence, hidden aggression manifests itself in the fact that a guy or girl finds it difficult to build healthy relationships with peers, experiences bouts of jealousy, and is unable to respect the desires and decisions of another person.

Trying to cope with internal stress, a teenager may begin to use not very healthy ways of fighting, in an attempt to "forget". Alcohol, drugs, early sex life, cuts on body parts, anorexia are used. Disappointment, resentment and discontent that are not spoken out loud can lead to the development of depression.

Does a certain parenting style affect children's aggressiveness?

Over the course of many years of work as a family psychotherapist, I drew attention to the fact that parents, through their upbringing, shape not only the behavior and worldview of their children, but also program their future.

Reminds me of a joke:

In Dr. Freud's office.
- Doctor, my son is just some kind of sadist: he kicks animals with his feet, setssteps for the elderly, tears off the wings of butterflies and laughs!
- And how old is he? - 4 years.
- In that case, there is nothing to worry about, it will pass soon,
and he will grow up to be a kind and polite person.
- Doctor, you reassured me, thank you very much.
- Not at all, Frau Hitler ...

Different families use different parenting styles. Some parents set too rigid boundaries, they do not know how to communicate with the child, and the goal of education is complete control and obedience. Trying to be a good boy or a good girl at home, the child is forced to express all his dissatisfaction in the garden or at school, often in an aggressive way.

There are parents, on the contrary, who are overly sensitive to their children, often listen to them, are afraid to offend the child's feelings, so as not to injure them, God forbid.

Over time, it becomes more and more difficult for such parents to set limits in upbringing, to limit their child. The inability of such parents to build boundaries and permissiveness lead to the fact that the child feels stronger than his own parents, that everything is possible for him, begins to show aggression towards his parent/brothers/sisters and towards his peers.

In families with two or more children, parents can probably remember that having given birth to the youngest, they do not always have the strength and time for the elder. But, if the parents systematically ignore, do not notice the older child, then he begins to feel “transparent” (the statement of the children). And in order not to experience this heavy internal tension, the child's behavior becomes impulsive, aggressive, with frequent mood swings. Thus, according to the children, "THEY ARE SEEING THEM."

The correct parenting strategy is that parents openly show love with words, gestures, affection, are interested in the life of their children, are sensitive, notice if something happens to the child and try to console him. These parents control their children, but they also know how to trust. A child who grows up in a family with healthy communication will only use aggression in self-defense. He will be able to express any dissatisfaction in an open form, in words.

Aggression towards parents: causes and what to do?

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon in our society. More and more often I deal with families where a child insults and beats his parents. This causes great suffering for both the parent and the child, who feels like a monster. In this case, the parent needs to learn to set limits in education.

Do not wait for the situation to escalate, stop unwanted behavior immediately. How do you know when to stop unwanted behavior? Believe me, you will feel it yourself. As soon as the behavior of the child makes you uncomfortable, you, as a parent, are obliged to stop it with the words: “This is unpleasant for me” or “I do not intend to continue the conversation in this form”, etc.

Respect yourself and by this you will teach your child to be sensitive to the needs of other people, to respect their personal space. A child who has been taught to respect his family members is bound to be respectful of those around him and outside the family.

Aggression towards peers: causes and what to do?

There can be several reasons for aggression towards peers. The child may lack parental attention, or the parent has a clear preference for his brother/sister, or the child is simply spoiled and unlearned to respect others, and possibly going through a difficult period in his life, in case of illness, death, divorce of parents. In each case, a different approach is applied.

A family psychotherapist, observing the dynamics of relationships in the family, is able to diagnose the problem and find a suitable solution.

Differences in aggressiveness in boys and girls

We talked about the fact that aggression is an innate instinct, both in boys and girls. The manifestation of aggressive behavior, of course, differs in boys and girls, depending on the accepted norms in society. If the conflict between the guys, which turned into a fight, is perceived normally, then a fight between girls can cause serious bewilderment, both among peers and the older generation.

In the process of evolution, girls have learned to use not physical, but verbal aggression, including intrigue and manipulation. Boycotts are very rarely organized by boys, usually it is the prerogative of girls.

Does children's aggression go away with age?

No, children's aggression in no way goes away with age, so it is important to learn to accept aggression, and not fight it. Many, over the years, learn to listen to themselves, their bodies, to be aware of their aggression, to accept it, realizing that this is a transient feeling. By expressing our pain/dissatisfaction/disappointment out loud, we learn to deal with this feeling.

An adult who does not know how to properly conflict, express his disagreement, will subconsciously express his internal aggression towards his husband / wife with increased jealousy and / or an affair on the side. This person is not able to respect the wishes of another person and will actively impose his opinion and his will.

At work, this can be expressed in intrigue, manipulation of others, or abuse of one's power.

How to correct a child's aggression? What should parents of an aggressive child do?

First of all, it is important to understand whether the aggressive behavior of the child is the norm or pathology. Mothers who are unable to accept the aggressive behavior of their son turn to me, meanwhile, at a young age, up to 6 years old, it is absolutely normal. While it is difficult for a child to express himself verbally, he expresses this by behavior.

Learn to talk to your child. Explain that when he is angry, he can throw out his aggression on an inanimate object (pillow, mattress).

Enroll your child in a sports section for a healthy display of aggression. It is desirable that the child chooses it himself.

Hug your child more often, show your love and care. Teach your child to talk: about his joy, about his pain, about his feelings. A child who receives psychological support from parents is able to verbally express his feelings. He will not have to express aggression in other ways.

Children's aggression is a completely natural and natural phenomenon. The American psychologist Parens believes that a fundamentally non-hostile form of behavior is detected already from the second month of a child's life. The child behaves aggressively to assert himself or improve his experience. This type of aggression is an important motivation for self-affirmation and encourages the necessary competition in the world, which is not initially destructive.

A one-year-old baby can in his hearts hit a spoonful of porridge that he does not want to eat. And a one and a half year old - to slap his mother in the face if she insists on a walk, and the baby enthusiastically fumbles on the carpet with a typewriter. And in this case, one must be able to initially respond correctly to the first outbreaks of aggression, anger and violence on the part of the child. If attempts of destructive aggression are not stopped in time, then in almost 100% of cases, parents create additional problems for themselves and the child.

It often seems to parents that it is pointless to teach them to restrain the emotions of a three-year-old toddler. This is more than a strange position, since the foundations of behavior in society should be laid initially, and not descend from the sky on the eve of school. Not without reason in Rus' they said that "it is necessary to learn while it lies across the bench, but as it stretched out along it, it's too late."

Aggressive children, as a rule, turn out to be outcasts in kindergarten, and then in elementary grades. In search of companionship, they either begin to impose friendships by force (and such relationships are initially fragile, as they are based on fear) or they unite with children with a similar temperament and emotional world, which leads to antisocial behavior. After all, in order to have authority in such a company, you need to constantly prove that you are stronger and more reckless than the rest.

It is not clear why many mothers are touched when a two-year-old baby, in an attempt to assert himself, beats his mother with his fists on the arms and legs. They believe that with age, such behavior is neutralized by itself. But of course, nothing ever happens. Having learned in childhood the experience that a mother can be beaten, the child transfers this model to classmates, to a girlfriend, and later to his wife and children.

Causes of child aggression can be conditionally divided into several groups:

- the reason is the model of destructive behavior of parents.
- caused by a stressful situation
- the reason is the wrong reaction of parents to manifestations of destructive aggression or the wrong attitude of parents to the child.
- the cause is psychopathological and neurological deviations in the formation of the brain and psyche.
So, if you decide to deal with the aggression of the child, first of all, pay attention to your own behavior and the behavior of the household. After all, the first reason for aggression in children lies in the nature of socialization, when the child copies the behavior of adults. Aggressiveness in this case is not a property of the child's psyche, but a model of behavior adopted from adults. How do you personally deal with your own aggression? How does your child know when you are angry or upset? If he often watches how his mother shows her attitude towards something, slamming the door or throwing slippers at the wall, then he will consider an aggressive behavior pattern to be the norm. If dad beats mom, and mom takes it for granted to spank a child for any offense, then you first need to learn how to cope with your own aggression, normalize the situation in the family.

Let your child understand that everyone has the right to have bad emotions, but you can’t throw your fists at a person to express anger. Teach your child to express their dissatisfaction with words. When the child is close to getting angry, tell him: I see that you are now upset and angry. Let's see how you feel and why. As a rule, the negative, clothed in the form of words, relieves tension. If you often repeat this exercise, then gradually the verbal expression of negative emotions will become the norm for the child.

Often parents say: he does not understand the word, but you pour it in, as it should, it becomes like silk. It is strange that in the 21st century it is necessary to explain to educated adults that physical punishment is inherently vicious. Let's admit that spanking a child is not for educational purposes, but because an adult smart person could not cope with a surge of emotions. Aren't there enough ways to non-violently solve problems? The method of competition, switching attention, the method of natural consequences, depriving him of some privileges (walking, watching a cartoon), the method of time-out or "punishment chair", the method of traditional communication and explanation, after all. If you most often spank a child in response to disobedience, then by this you sign that you could not find words to explain to the child how to do the right thing.

The history of forensic psychiatry shows that among murderers and maniacs who were particularly cruel, 97% grew up in families where physical punishment was the norm. That is why these people subconsciously believed that the physical form of influence on objectionable people (up to murder) is normal.

You should not exaggerate that the psyche of a child will be disturbed from the slightest physical punishment, this is not so. There is nothing special if once every two months you could not restrain yourself and lightly slapped the baby's bottom. It's scary when beating becomes the norm of upbringing. So it is fixed that the strong has the right to beat the weak.

Learn to express your emotions yourself, not with kicks and slaps. Learn to say out loud yourself: “I am unhappy with your behavior, you made me very angry with your disobedience, I am just beside myself with anger. Therefore, most likely, I will not want to read you a fairy tale in the evening. By the way, it is noted that it is very difficult for aggressive people to express their attitude in words, especially when talking with children.

But often parents do not see that they are showing their children a model of aggressive behavior. Like, we don’t beat a child, we don’t beat each other. Why is it that our behavior is considered aggressive? The concept of aggression is much broader than it seems initially. For example, a two-year-old kid is running down the street with a stick - he is chasing pigeons, and his grandmother is looking at it favorably. Why? Because it still won't catch up? And if the next time the child runs to the grandmother like that?

If at the stage of early development, up to 2-2.5 years, the aggressive behavior of children is not stopped and attention is not switched to other ways of manifesting their uniqueness, then the aggressive model passes into the area of conscious reaction. This is the third reason for children's aggressiveness.

Parents can "start" the mechanism of the child's aggressiveness by constantly belittling him. If a child is subjected to systematic humiliation in the family, then in an effort to overcome the feeling of his own inferiority, he will sooner or later try by any means to prove to adults that he deserves something else. A desire to demonstrate that his position in the social hierarchy system is higher, that he deserves a different attitude, a greater degree of trust or independence, will spill through aggression. Aggression of this kind is like a volcanic eruption: it quietly seethes in the depths of a child's soul, and then, from some small push, erupts like an avalanche. Such aggression is characteristic of children who have been in an authoritarian society for a long time, where their opinion was not taken into account.

It happens that there are no aggressive relatives in the child's family, but the baby becomes a real despot. The most common reason for such "incomprehensible" aggression is the "thunderstorm" atmosphere in the house. For example, when parents are in a quarrel and practically do not communicate. Or when the mother-in-law comes to visit, who has a strained relationship with the mother of the child. Although there is no obvious manifestation of negative emotions in the family, children, like radars, feel the tension between relatives and defuse it with their own destructive behavior.

A stressful situation often provokes aggression in children. For example, a sharp difference in educational measures can serve as the cause of aggression. So after Sunday visits to her grandparents, three-year-old Alice always became capricious and irritable. The reason for this was, oddly enough, the great love of grandparents. Parents raised their daughter more strictly, and the grandfather and the woman allowed the girl what was absolutely impossible at home: she watched cartoons for hours, ate a lot of chocolate, went to bed when she wanted, received endless gifts, etc. At home, the girl began the week by rebuilding herself from a free life with her grandmother. And dissatisfaction was expressed in the form of outbreaks of aggression.

For a large number of children, outbursts of aggression coincide with the beginning of attending a kindergarten or school. The mother of first-grader Denis complains:

He was always a sweet home boy with us, he didn’t quarrel, there were no problems. We didn’t go to the kindergarten, we didn’t need these infections and leveling. But they went to school - how they changed it! The teacher complains: scandals, constantly contradicts, does not listen, fights at breaks. And recently, because of some trifle, he severely beat a classmate who is a head shorter than him!

At home, the child is the king and God, he can make concessions and regret. At school, the child ceases to be the center of a small world. And it hurts, especially if you fail to succeed in knowledge. If it is not possible to achieve respect by mental achievements, then there is only one way of self-affirmation: with the help of fists, force one to reckon with oneself.

Here aggression is used as a mechanism of self-defense when the child sees a real threat in his address. Note that such a reaction is typical for insecure children with somewhat low self-esteem, since for them aggression replaces courage. As a rule, children who did not receive maternal affection in early childhood or who do not feel real help from adults behind their backs express themselves through an increased form of aggression.

Psychologists strongly recommend that even if it is possible not to take the child to kindergarten, be sure to send him there at least six months before school. The experience of socialization must be acquired even before school, and visiting the sports section or two-hour classes in a developing club is not enough. We need full-fledged games among peers under the supervision of adults, then the child has the opportunity to gain experience in sorting out relationships in various combinations.

Often a baby becomes an aggressor if something incomprehensible to him happens in the family, which the child cannot influence or simply does not know how to react. For example, a second child is born. Usually, already a 2-year-old child understands perfectly well that the reason for changes in the family is the appearance of a newborn. Unfortunately, I had to deal with cases of unprecedented aggression towards a baby from an older child: older children hit the baby on the head with toys, threw him off the sofa to the floor, tried to hit him with a ski stick ... Alas, there was also a horrifying case when a six-year-old girl threw her newborn brother from the window. It is very difficult to fight this kind of aggression, it must be extinguished even before it manifests itself.

You will not have strong problems with jealousy if you tell the eldest in advance how good it is when there are many children in the family. It’s good if you show your child pictures of babies, go shopping together, involve the child in choosing a name for the “puppy” or setting up a baby crib. If the new baby falls on the older child like snow on his head, then the older child will definitely start a fight for the attention of his mother.

Often, only a specialist can find out if the cause of aggression is a stressful situation. And, of course, only a specialist will help if the child has specific mental disorders.

Recognize that your child is a full member of the family. And his opinion should be taken into account in any large-scale changes.

What should a mother do at the initial moment of the fight against children's aggressiveness, how to respond to outbursts of rage?

If the child raises his hand to you, intercept it and say sternly, looking directly into your eyes: “I really don’t like it when they beat me, so I don’t allow anyone to do this to me and I won’t allow you either.” It is not a fact that the child will understand this the first time, especially if he was previously allowed to beat everyone. But from 10 times awareness will begin to occur.

If a child throws a toy in anger, pick it up, return it to the child, and say sternly that the toys do not like this treatment, that it may break. If the child throws the toy for the second time, remove it for a day or two. Say that the toy was offended by him and asked her to remove it from the boy who hurts her. If the child is two or three years old, ask him to immediately stroke the toy, otherwise it will no longer play with its owner. As an option: oh-oh, the doll hurts, Katya threw it on the floor! Now the doll needs to be treated, she has a big bruise on her arm, Come on, Katya, bring cotton wool, bandages and cream - we will treat our doll. Wrap her in a sheet, shake her...

Such a technique switches the child from a destructive model of behavior to a positive one - to regret, to show compassion.

If a child swings at a younger sister, stop his hand, then strictly tell the children that since they do not know how to play with each other, they will play separately. Take the kids to different rooms. If the dispute was over a toy, remove it. Don't start by asking who started first, as this leads to the birth of a snitch.

Punish the severity of the tone and the removal of the toy of both guilty - because they both could not find a compromise. In the same way, it is necessary to defuse the situation when the youngest child is to blame. Often the younger children, seeing that the older child is mostly to blame for all conflicts, deliberately provoke the older child into scandals and pranks. That is why do not tell the older child “you are older, you must understand” or “you are the elder, be sure to give in to the baby.”

If the child is constantly rude to the grandmother, limit their communication for a while. Calmly explain to the child that since he upset the grandmother, behaved rudely, called names, etc., then it will not be possible to communicate with the grandmother anymore. It’s a pity, because only a grandmother buys Kinder surprises for her grandson, and also a grandmother was going to take her beloved baby to the park to ride the rides ... Well, since you don’t know how to be friends with your grandmother, then your grandmother will sit at home, and you myself.

Constantly show your child a non-aggressive behavior model, teach compassion. Imagine that a child wants to pet a street kitten. The wrong, aggressive model of behavior in this situation is to shout “do not touch, it is contagious”, push the kitten away, drag the child to the side by force by the hand. The correct model of behavior is to feel sorry for the kitten: “Look how unhappy he is, how bad he is. Let's go home and bring him a piece of sausage! But we will not touch the kitten or take it away from here. Imagine, someone else's aunt will start touching you and taking you somewhere! You'll get scared. So the kitten will be scared if we touch it. Plus, his cat mom might not like it! We don’t want to upset the mother cat!”

Teach your child to express their emotions in words: “I am unhappy”, “I am sad”, “I am angry”, “I am uncomfortable”, etc. If the child is still small, voice it for him: “I understand you, Sasha, this car is very beautiful, and you really want this car. But I can’t buy it for you, because I forgot the money at home (show an empty wallet). I see that you are sad that I will not buy this machine, you are even angry with me. I’m also sorry that we won’t be able to buy this car, but I suggest you go for a ride on a swing.”

In this case, however, you will have to buy nothing for anyone until the end of the walk, so that it does not turn out that you have deceived the child.

Aggressiveness is human. The etiological approach (K. Lorenz) states that aggression is an integral part of human essence, its nature is in the innate instinct of the struggle for survival. However, this does not mean that a person cannot learn to control his aggressiveness. And the closest people should teach this even in childhood.

To understand the causes of aggressive behavior in a child, you first need to understand what aggression is. Psychologists say that aggression is not an attitude, not a motive, and not even an emotion. Aggression is not a healthy pattern of behavior that is laid down in early childhood. The reasons that provoke the development of an aggressive model of a child's behavior have a very real basis, so it is extremely important not only to know about them, but also not to ignore the possible consequences.

We have selected the most common causes of aggression in children, according to experts:

Reason #1 - Rejection by parents

This reason is one of the basic ones, since according to statistics, most often aggressive behavior patterns appear in unwanted babies. If a child appeared with parents who were consciously or subconsciously not ready for this, he not only intuitively senses a catch, but also “reads” this information from intonation and gestures. Such a child tries to prove that he is good and has the right to exist. However, it does so, as a rule, rather aggressively.

Reason #2 - Hostility

It is very difficult for a child whose parents are hostile to him. Over time, this kid transfers the attitude of his parents to the world around him, which seems to him far from being friendly. If parents allow you to take out your negativity on a child or blame the baby for their own failures, the child not only loses self-confidence, he develops fears and phobias. Over time, the lack of a sense of security and stability leads to bursts of aggression that are directed at parents.

Reason #3 - Destruction of emotional bonds

If a child is forced to live with parents who treat each other with disrespect or hostility, his life turns into a nightmare. It is especially sad when a child is not just a witness to family quarrels, but also a participant in dramatic events.

As a result, the baby is either in constant tension, suffering from family disputes and an unstable situation in the house, or begins to harden in soul and become a subtle manipulator with a very aggressive behavior model.

Reason number 4 - Disrespect for the personality of the baby

Aggressive behavior can be caused by tactless and incorrect criticism, humiliating and offensive remarks, especially if they were made publicly. Disrespect for the personality of the baby, and even more so his humiliation, can cause serious complexes that destroy self-confidence.

Reason #5 - Over control

As a rule, excessive control over the behavior of the child is established by parents who are tough and domineering. However, in an effort to control every step, mom and dad should not forget that by doing so they suppress the personality and hinder the development of their child. In addition, overprotection causes not so much love as fear and a desire to run away. The end result of such a tough upbringing will be the aggressive behavior of the child, aimed at others (adults and children). A kind of veiled protest against the “oppression” of the individual, rejection of the situation of subordination, the existing state of affairs, the struggle against prohibitions. In an attempt to protect his Self, the child chooses an attack as a form of defense, even when he is not in danger.

Reason #6 - Too Much Attention

When a child is given a lot of attention in the family, he quickly gets used to it and becomes spoiled. Over time, the desire of parents to please the baby turns against them. If the next desire of such a child is not fulfilled, in response, the parents receive an outbreak of aggression in the form of a rolled up tantrum or “quiet” meanness.

Reason #7 - Lack of attention

Eternal employment of parents also generates aggressive behavior in kids. In this case, aggression is used as a way to attract parental attention, even in a negative form. The child feels lonely and defenseless, he is frightened by the indifference of his parents and, as a result, aggressive, inadequate actions.

Reason #8 - Feeling afraid

It should also be remembered that bursts of aggression can be caused by the baby's anxiety and are dictated by fear. Quite often, aggressive behavior is a child's cry for help, behind which there is a real tragedy and genuine grief. As a rule, a frightened person acts and thinks inappropriately to the situation. A frightened child also releases the situation out of control and ceases to understand who is his enemy and who is his friend.

Sergey Vasilenkov for the Women's magazine "Charm"

Young mothers, observing manifestations of aggression in their babies, often do not know how to react to it. In most cases, everything ends with a prolonged hysteria of the child after a “deserved” punishment. We have collected information that will help parents of children-fighters aged 3-5 to identify the causes of aggression and respond correctly to its manifestation in children.

Why children fight: causes of aggression in children 3-5 years old

It is generally accepted that aggressive behavior is a child's reaction to external stimuli. In most cases it is difficult to disagree with this. In those moments when the child is just learning to interact with the outside world and people, aggression serves as a certain defense mechanism. Therefore, its manifestations are natural, but should disappear within a short period of time. If attacks of uncontrollable rage become more frequent and last unreasonably long, then specialists diagnose a pathology in the social development of the child.

Causes of aggression in children 3-5 years old:

A kind of exploration of the world. It is with the help of blows or pushing of peers that the kid learns the reaction of parents, just adults who are nearby and the "test subjects" themselves to such behavior. It defines the boundaries of what is permitted and it is not worth calling these manifestations of aggression. Usually, the child himself does not change his mood during such experiments, that is, he remains calm.
The manifestation of aggression and anger. Often, aggression in a child appears if what is desired for a toddler is not achievable. Find out the need that the child has at the moment, and explain why it cannot be satisfied or, on the contrary, satisfy it, if possible. Offer a replacement, such an exchange can calm the child and show that his opinion is important to parents. Children easily agree to compromises offered by adults who are authoritative for them. Do not try to respond to the displayed aggressiveness with your own irritation, as this will develop into a clarification of "who is in charge", and the suppressed emotion will do the child a disservice in later life.
At the age of 3-5 years, expressing his opinion, the child is very egocentric. That is, he still cannot agree with his peers, but in general he needs clear guidance from his elders. The planning of the situation and the vision of the future have not been worked out, the line between fantasy and reality has been erased. A child, seeing on TV how an adult defends his territory, believes that he should do the same. Aggression in this case is just a peeped skill. Next, we will describe what methods of explanatory work will be effective in this case.
Misbehavior of parents and adults that are near the child. Inadequate behavior of parents in everyday life, in front of the baby, dislike expressed by parents too clearly, resentment arising through the fault of parents or circumstances, insults from elders or threats can negatively affect the child.

A small child fights: what should parents do?

To help a child overcome aggression, parents will have to learn to be patient and talk to their child correctly, listen to him to the end and use simple ways to distract attention. The practical advice below has been developed by professionals working with aggressive children. All of them have passed the test of time and are recognized as the most effective for solving such issues.

To prevent aggressive behavior in a child of 3-5 years old, experts advise:

Teach your child to express anger , choosing an acceptable form for this (we work with manifestations of aggression).
Show baby how recognize your own anger and control yourself.
in a playful way develop empathy and compassion for others.

These general recommendations are implemented in a variety of ways. Talking and playing, modeling similar situations using favorite toys or fairy tale characters, sports games and switching attention - each of these methods is effective in dealing with aggression in a baby.

Examples of effective methods to eliminate aggression in children:

When a child feels irritation, anger, resentment, invite him to draw or what he feels. But at the same time, be sure to ask to tell what he does and feels at the same time. Most likely, the story will be about the real causes of aggression in a child. Focus your baby's attention on feelings, so that later you can help him identify them and control them on his own. Distracting his attention, you will not let scandal and hysteria flare up.
Sew a pillow and announce that it is a "piss bag". Ask the baby to beat her as soon as he is annoyed, that is, put the bad in a bag. This will protect him from injury during a tantrum, will not allow him to beat and throw dishes or things.
Explain that in the long run, pugnacity is not beneficial to him personally. . If he beat a peer, then he will no longer play with him. If it hits adults, then they will not want to communicate with someone who hurts them. As a result, one will be much more boring than in the company. You can approach the child whom your baby offends, hug and kiss him. Thus, attention is paid not to the fighter, and he quickly realizes that he can be left alone.
Be sure to convey to the child the rules of behavior in the house and on the street. For example, “when we don’t fight, they don’t fight with us either”, “if we don’t offend, then they won’t offend us”, “toys can be taken when they are free”. Children strive for order and direction because it is difficult for them. So use persuasion with words and rules.
Praise your child if he listened to your instructions , but do not use the word "good" (according to the observations of psychologists, babies do not react to it). Focus on how much pleasure he gave you with his restraint.
Come up with joint fairy tales, where he is the main character . This will help to better understand the feelings, as when drawing and sculpting. Using effective methods, you will help your child understand how to behave and how to behave.
Participate in competitions more often and arrange sports games, physical fatigue leaves no room for mental irritation.
Leave paper or old newspapers in an accessible place for the child to tear. Explain in advance that in this way you will find out about his anger, and he will not break anything. Stamping your feet or strong breaths in and out at the time of an attack of aggression, as well as boxing with sofa cushions and rubber toy hammers, are considered to be similar in strength.
Recognition of anger can be taught with the help of posters or drawings that the baby will draw. Ask to depict different emotions and do not remove the drawing. Agree that the baby can show you on the poster what he feels. This will help prevent outbreaks of aggression.
The kid will learn to sympathize and empathize with the dramatizations that he will conduct with his parents. Any toys and objects will do, because the imagination of children is much more developed than that of adults. Ask him to invent and talk about fictional characters. Discuss with the children who is right and wrong in the situations they invented. During the game, information is perceived better than during a lecture about misbehavior.

Sometimes let your child make noise, run, jump and yell. It is better to let the baby throw out energy under your supervision than in a fight with other children.

It is necessary to show the child to a psychologist if fights, manifestations of aggression continue regularly for six months.

How to wean a child to fight: the opinions of psychologists

Anna Berdnikova, psychologist:

Before you react in any way to your child's aggressive behavior, listen to your feelings: what are you experiencing? This is important because by the feeling you experience, you will determine what is really happening and how to respond to what is happening.
During the next outbreak of aggressive behavior of the child, listen to your feelings. What do you feel? Bitterness and resentment? Or anger and desire to defeat this little villain, to show him who is in charge here? If the latter, then you have firmly fallen into the trap of a struggle for power.
What to do in this situation? The very first step is to try, as far as possible, to evade the struggle. Because by continuing to fight, you start the situation in a circle.
If you feel resentment, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child hurt you? What is his own pain? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, it is necessary, of course, to try to eliminate it.

Child psychologist T. Malyutina:

If (a child) bites or hits you, an adult, stop it. Don't be patient! Show that you are hurt, shout, cry. And then explain. If a child of 2-3 years old hit a child in the sandbox, take his hand, apologize to the mother of the victim, take the child away. But do not forget to praise when the child plays calmly, shares toys. Show that feelings can be expressed in words. Until the baby himself has learned to explain what is happening to him, do it for him. “I don’t like that you beat me, it hurts me, but I understand that you are angry because I forbade you ...” When the child grows up, just ask: “You don’t need to beat me, better tell me what you don’t like?” Until the age of 4, until the child is aware of his feelings, speak for him, and then he himself will be able to express dissatisfaction with words, and not with his fists.

Psychologist Olga Tseitlin about fights between children in the same family:

Often parents protect one of the children, usually the weakest or youngest, and ask the children to do as he wants. In the elders, this causes resentment and a desire to take revenge on the younger. They can do it unnoticed by adults. If the parents protect the younger, he feels like a winner, and he continues to pester his brother or sister. Parents do not understand that by such actions they only fuel the rivalry between children. Parents often do not notice the provocations of a "good" child who provokes his brother or sister by kicking him under the table or whispering offensive words.

E. Komarovsky about the aggression of kids towards their parents:

Again, my attitude to how to correct such behavior does not correspond to what psychologists recommend. My opinion: if a child shows aggression towards adults, then this is the realization of certain instincts, but he also has another instinct: the child yields if he sees that the one against whom he uses physical force is stronger. Therefore, whenever a child raises a hand (or foot) to his mother, one must allow oneself to respond with controlled aggression. Not a single aggressive physical action of a child in relation to adults should go unpunished. Adults have a huge number of ways to control the behavior of children, because the whole life of a child depends on an adult. It is you who give your daughter sweets and goodies, buy toys, perhaps turn on cartoons - and in all this you can limit the child if he does not behave the way you want. In any case, the topic raised is not pediatric, but definitely psychological. This I mean that everything you have read now is not the advice of a specialist, but the opinion of your doctor friend, who is not an expert in child psychology.