Rich dad's daughter rejected his love and marriage proposal because he is poor. But here's what happened next... Self-love: what to do if you are rejected

I put this word in quotation marks, because, in my opinion, there is no unrequited love: there is an energy flow between people, there are polarities - plus and minus. When one loves, the other undoubtedly needs this love, he evokes it, broadcasts the need for this love, albeit often non-verbally, specifically to this person: with his eyes, facial expressions, gestures.

It's just that the one who loves has an open heart, while the one who "does not love", rejects love, has defenses in the form of fears or introjected, irrational beliefs. He does not feel his love and need for intimacy, but at the same time he gives double signals: he lures, charms, seduces.

The body of your loved one, his look, voice, hands, movements, smell tell you: “yes”, “I want you”, “I need you”, “I feel good with you”, “I am happy”. All this gives you complete confidence that he is "your" man. But out loud, he says, "No, I don't love you."

We have grown up, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love.

Where does this unhealthy pattern come from, which, in my opinion, is characteristic of an immature psyche: to devalue and reject those who love us, and to love those who are more likely to reject us?

Let's remember childhood. All the girls were in love with the same boy, the "coolest" leader, and all the boys were in love with the most beautiful and impregnable girl. But if this leader fell in love with some girl, he immediately ceased to be interesting to her: “Oh, well, he ... Carries my portfolio, walks on my heels, obeys me in everything. Weak." And if the most beautiful and impregnable girl reciprocated some boy, he, too, often grew cold: “What's wrong with her? She's not a queen, just an ordinary girl. I'm stuck - I don't know how to get rid of it.

Where does it come from? From childhood traumatic experience of rejection. Unfortunately, many of us had rejecting parents. Father buried in the TV: in order to attract his attention, it was necessary to become more interesting than the “box”, do a handstand or walk with a wheel. An eternally tired and preoccupied mother, whose smile and praise could only be caused by a diary with only fives. Only the very best are worthy of love: smart, beautiful, healthy, athletic, independent, capable, excellent students.

Later, in adulthood, the richest, status, honorary, respected, famous, popular are added to the list of those worthy of love.

We have grown, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love. It is necessary to show miracles of heroism, overcome enormous difficulties, become the best, achieve everything, save, conquer, in order to feel the joy of mutual love. Our self-esteem is unstable, we have to constantly “feed” it with achievements in order to accept ourselves.

The pattern is clear, but as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it.

How can another person accept and love us if we do not love and accept ourselves? If we are simply loved for who we are, we do not understand: “I didn’t do anything. I am worthless, unworthy, stupid, ugly. Didn't deserve anything. Why love me? Probably, he himself (she herself) does not represent anything.

“Since she agreed to have sex on the first date, she probably sleeps with everyone,” one of my friends complained. “She immediately agreed to make love to you, because of all the men she chose you. Do you really value yourself so low that you think that a woman cannot fall in love with you at first sight and sleep with you?

The pattern is clear, but this does not change anything: as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it. What to do for those who fell into the trap of "unrequited" love? Do not be sad. This is a difficult, but very useful experience for the development of the soul. So what does such love teach?

"Unrequited" love can teach ...

… support yourself and your self-esteem, love yourself in difficult conditions of rejection, without outside support,

… to be grounded, to be in reality, to see not only black and white, but also many shades of other colors,

… be present here and now

… appreciate what is good in a relationship, every little thing,

… it’s good to see and hear a loved one, a real person, and not your fantasy,

… to accept a loved one with all the shortcomings and weaknesses,

… sympathize, sympathize, show kindness and mercy,

… understand their real needs and expectations,

… take the initiative, take the first steps,

… expand the palette of feelings: even if these are negative feelings, they enrich the soul,

… to live and withstand the heat of emotions,

… express feelings through actions and words in order to be heard,

… appreciate the feelings of others

… respect the boundaries, opinion and freedom of choice of a loved one,

… develop economic, practical, household skills,

… give, give, share, be generous,

… to be beautiful, athletic, fit, well-groomed.

In general, strong love, surviving in the harsh conditions of lack of reciprocity, will force you to overcome many limitations and fears, teach you to do for your loved one what you have never done before, expand your palette of feelings and relationship skills.

But what if all this doesn't help? If you yourself are an ideal, but the heart of your beloved will remain closed to you?

As Frederick Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, said: “If the meeting does not happen, nothing can be done about it.” In any case, the relationship skills and wide range of feelings you have mastered in the experience of such love are your investment in yourself for life. They will stay with you and will definitely help you in a new relationship with a person who can reciprocate your love - with heart, body, mind, and the words: "I love you."

about the author

Psychologist, psychotherapist, conducts individual consultations, leads therapeutic groups.

OLGA ZHURAVLEVA: It's 17 hours and almost 13 minutes in Moscow. Welcome to the "Typical Case" program. My name is Olga Zhuravleva. And today we are talking about unnecessary love. Is it worth rejecting a nice person? We are talking about the fact that there are situations when a person seems to be not bad, that is, everything in him is wonderful, but there is nothing to answer him with. There are several opinions on this matter at once, which, of course, “Sympathy and love are different,” Hamlet writes to us. - A loved one is not always pretty. This is true. But the problem of refusal is always that if you understand that you must refuse, then it seems easy to reject an unpleasant person, some stubborn one, completely not in your style, taste, and so on, because, well, he will be offended and offended . Well, okay. And when a person is basically good, you don’t want to offend him. That's the problem.

Just Dr. Khoror writes on our website: “I don’t think it’s worth hurting someone’s feelings. I have a comrade who, having once received a refusal, now for the fourth year cannot find a soul that completes his soul. This is a purely psychological aspect. This time. Secondly, how do we know what drives a person when he tries to be nice to us? If a person is attractive from the point of view of love, then you can try to transfer him to the category of a friend, if this works out. Although this is already some kind of offshore. In general, I believe that a nice person should be paid attention only if your heart is not "stamped" in your passport or in your mind. Otherwise, the case may turn into flirting out of sympathy, then, no longer having the strength to break away, you will plunge into this matter with your head, the current relationship will fall apart, and new ones may not work out. The result is that there is no love, there is no relationship, and if there are children, then this is all wrong. ” Mikhail Lukashkin from Yekaterinburg wrote this text.

Ahu, apparently this nickname is read this way, when asked whether it is worth rejecting a handsome person, he answers briefly: “It’s not worth it, you will regret everyone (folk wisdom).” Yes, you know, this is also such a popular principle. Here you are passing. Now it’s so easy for you, everything seems to be there ... there is no end to all kinds of offers, then you will definitely regret it later.

“Why hurt a good person? On the shore, agree that sex is sometimes possible, but marriage is not, ”this is how Semyon from Starye Vasyukov thinks. Semyon, you know, we are talking about the fact that a person suddenly confesses his love to you, no matter a man or a woman, although there are some peculiarities in refusal in both situations. But do you really want to refuse? That is, do not translate the relationship into love? And not like this temporarily there, from case to case?

“I advise all girls to never reject the love of a pretty person if that person is me,” writes us Carlos, Dangerous Carlos. Thanks a lot.

Ilya writes: “What does unnecessary love mean? Can love be unnecessary? Well, there are such circumstances, Ilya. Imagine that many people ask this question. I even read such a story on one of the forums when a young man courted a girl, and she, well, not only rejected him, but, in general, somehow did not accept him. And after a while they became good friends. “And now she declares, she writes to me that she loves me, but I no longer need her love. How to refuse her so as not to offend? I don't want to lose a trusted friend, but I don't want to be with her either." This is the real paradox of life. It seems like everything is fine, but again everything is not good. In general, I am trying to answer at least for myself this question, is it possible, in principle, to reject love so that a person is not offended. Are there such ways? If you have it in your piggy bank, tell me. Is it true. It is very interesting.

So. Egor Petrovich Shilov brought out the following concept: “If pretty, then why not. If it's stupid, then why? After all, you can get married carelessly. If you are married, then forget about sweets altogether. The family is safer, you won't harm the girl. Don’t even give a reason to flirt with yourself.” Yegor Petrovich, a woman comes to you, with whom you did not flirt at all, and says: “Yegor Petrovich, I love you, I can’t.” What to do?

“If a pretty person is a pretty woman, you can’t reject it in any case,” writes Eugene. Well, you know, anything can happen.

So-so. “How much have you yourself rejected the so-called unnecessary love?” You know, Ilya, apparently, I was somehow very lucky, because I don’t remember such especially difficult stories. Apparently, I didn’t have such a case when I had to call everything by their proper names and straight the whole truth-womb, as they say, in the face. By the way, one woman wrote: “At one time, knowing that a person loves me, but I don’t love him, I very harshly explained that we were not on our way. But before that, I tried to gently explain to him that we are too different, he did not understand or pretended not to understand. So there is still an unpleasant aftertaste from a frank conversation. It is possible that he already has nothing, no sediment left, but this tough conversation for the one who rejected it turned out to be such an unpleasant memory.

Irinka writes: “If you like a person, it’s better not to give him unrealistic hopes. Only then…” Further ellipsis. What do you mean, Irinka? Tell me more. 363-36-59. Moscow code - 495.

Igor from Makhachkala writes: “Olga, do not reject me. I'm good. Is it true". Igor, I'll tell you honestly, I reject it. That's really right ... I believe that you are good, I'm even sure that there are much more suitable options for you than me. Just take my word for it, because in our case, we have never even seen each other in our lives. So I think it's even easier.

“I had to be both in the role of the rejected and in the role of the rejecter. When they rejected me, which pissed me off the most, that the girl was breaking down, I could not immediately say that I was not her type. When I rejected, I immediately said why, why. It is better to say everything at once about true feelings than to mock a person, ”Igor from Syzran writes to us. Well, here's the question. Do you think it is possible to reject a person without offending? A man came and confessed his love. He or she. Is it possible to refuse so that it does not cause resentment? What do you think? If yes, you can, well, that is, there are even very complex options for men. I read a whole manual on how to behave horribly towards a woman so that she herself refused you. That is, do not speak directly, but with all your appearance demonstrating that you are a completely inappropriate person. So is it possible to refuse a person without offending, reject without offending? If yes, 660-06-64. If not, you consider 660-06-65. Turn this experience on yourself too. Here you were refused, maybe it was done gently and really not offensive. Or is it always a shame. If yes, you can reject without offending, 660-06-64. If not, it's not possible, 660-06-65.

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O. ZHURAVLEVA: Is it possible to reject love without offending a person? If yes, 660-06-64. If not, 660-06-65.

“I prefer not to impose my life on anyone. Love is inappropriate ... "Ah! “... do not associate your life with anyone. Love is an unnecessary expense." Max, sometimes income. Everything depends on your position.

“Of course you can, but you have to be able to do it. Oh, who would teach, ”writes Igor from Syzran. Well, Igor has already answered the voting question. You too, please vote. If you think that it is possible, skillfully, not to offend, 660-06-64. If not, impossible, 660-06-65. It’s possible, I admit, as they say, not to quarrel, not to cause some kind of negative feeling, but I don’t know in such a way that a person doesn’t feel pain at all.

Eugene from Yekaterinburg met a girl: “She was cute, but she was stupid. Very sexy. That's why he met. It became uninteresting. She was boring. Separated. It was sensible. Then he met his beloved. We've been dating for 3 years. They moved in March. We are raising a cat named Venediktov. I don't regret it. But after parting it was really bad. I felt like an asshole. And now I'm a happy stranger." Eugene, I wish you continued happiness. I think that after such a period you can already stop reproaching yourself, because, probably, after all, you made the right choice.

“I have a beloved wife and two children. There are no questions and cannot be,” Vovka writes. Vovka, well, here again, you never know. Anything happens in life. Maybe you don't even know that someone loves. You have to tell this person that you are all right.

“I already had such a case that the past unrequited love returned with an aggressive love attack from the girl. So what did you think then? Oh women. It's a great secret." Ilya, I’ll tell you a secret that this happens to men too when they return, let’s say, to what was previously rejected with completely new feelings.

Tamara Arkadievna from Yekaterinburg: “And I did not once reject love, and as a result, soul to soul for many years.” Well, it means that it was not worth rejecting, although, perhaps, I don’t know, there are such circumstances when a person himself does not know to reject - not to reject, somehow he has not figured out himself yet.

“You will easily reject me, not believing the vastness of my feelings. I will be hurt deeply. But whose loss is more grievous here? Herman, thank you very much for the poems.

“This is a women's issue. Men rarely act like Aunt Charlie from Brazil,” writes Carlos. You know, Dangerous Carlos, well, you yourself understand, there are situations, it seems to me that it is just harder for men to refuse women. Well, that's how it would be accepted, yes? - that she is picking up fans there. She refused, she didn't refuse. Flirtatious, in general. And the men here ... what, no, but the woman came brought him the most intimate and reported that like this and that. Hard. I think it's more difficult for men.

If you think that you can reject love without offending a person, then 660-06-64. If you think it's impossible, call 660-06-65.

I somehow dug inside myself, it seems to me that it’s still very insulting when you are rejected. It's just very, very.

“It is impossible to reject a loving woman without offending her. You can partially make amends with a feat for the sake of her and her children, ”Sergey writes to us. Interesting idea.

So. Oleg from Vologda writes that I love happy people: “Since I got married, I have broken all friendship with the opposite sex that I like, out of harm's way. And I don't regret it." Well done!

“If you don’t need it, you should say so. Why deceive yourself, try to turn it into friendship? This is unfair. He didn't come to be your friend. Although for the one who rejects, a friend in love is beneficial. He is very reliable. But it's not fair to him. I was like that." An unknown person from the city of RO writes to us.

“The colonel was glued to my wife. I had to offend him,” writes Konstantin. Well, by the way, yes. in some situation, this is a way out, of course. Then such a powerful person comes out and says: “So. What were the questions? Any suggestions? And it doesn't seem so embarrassing. Husband drove away. And she seemed to be sitting in a beautiful pose. Yes, there is something in this.

Is it possible to reject without offending? How do you think? If possible, 660-06-64. If not, 660-06-65. Let's have a richer selection. It will be interesting.

“Resentment is something else, but it always hurts. Moreover, those who rejected suffer more,” Vladimir Ivanovich believes. Interesting idea.

“It is better to convince to refuse than to refuse yourself.” By the way, this is the question of how to approach women in love. You need to somehow show her how bad you are. And then she herself will refuse you. Well, I think it's also very difficult. By the way, women are advised, mainly young girls, that they should not use all the tricks that lie on the surface, like I’m very busy, come up with some kind of meetings there, there’s something else like that. That is, you should not lead by the nose. And men are sometimes just advised to create more things for yourself, and it seems like it will resolve itself. Well, I would like it to resolve itself, but not everyone succeeds. OK. If you do not want a large sample, I will say that there is. Still, 40 percent believe that it is possible not to offend. Well, in that case, call. Call and tell how it was with you, how you were not offended by refusing. Or how it was, maybe with someone you know. In general, in this program I love stories “about one of my friends” very much.

“One married lady harassed me. And so, and so I wanted to dodge. And then she says, come on and that's it. Well, in general, Ruprecht agreed. It was easier to agree. Yes, you know, often, by the way, women tell stories of their marriages, when they say it was easier to agree than to explain why I don't want to.

“I think this way,” Ilya suggests, “is to ignore, not to notice. Unrequited attention is a strong blow to self-esteem. We love ourselves more. Therefore, it must be an effective method.” Yes Ilya, I agree. Very often, it is enough to let people know. But it happens that it doesn't. Here is how in the cases I have described, when a person did not understand in a soft manner, I had to explain in a tough one. It still hurts to remember.

Alik writes: “I do not refuse anyone. I'm already at that age." Alik, I'm even worried.

“A million ways: I don’t deserve you, I’m gay, I myself am head over heels in love, etc., etc. Semyon from Starye Vasyuki. Well, what? Not bad. But at the expense of the gay - this is an interesting approach. Yes, this is what to say to a person ... I don’t know. Are you ready to somehow risk your reputation, shall we say? 363-36-59. And by the way, if you are married, then this method will not work. I don't think this is a very good option. But to say that you adore your wife, I think it's uplifting. By the way, there is another point why it is difficult to refuse a person - it is also the fear of missed opportunities, in addition to the fact that you don’t want to offend, you don’t want to quarrel, you don’t want to lose a friend there, all that, maybe there are some other connections in your there, I don’t know, a community of friends, but ... and even worse when at work. Now the offended woman will sit in the next department. Nothing good. But there is still such a moment that ... a missed opportunity. I refuse, and then what? Then it turns out that it was the best option.

363-36-59. The code of Moscow is 495. We are listening to you. Hello! Hello! Hello!

LISTENER: Hello!

LISTENER: Sergey.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Sergey, tell me, can you turn off the receiver to talk on the phone?

LISTENER: Well, I want to say something a little different from what they brought up... My experience, not only mine, tells me that women are desirable if there is no love, and if there is no clear understanding that one must get married so as not to deceive a man and not get married, do not loving. So, then it turns out a tragedy for him, for her, for the children.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: This is understandable.

LISTENER: There are extremely many such cases. Just to not be alone. Just in case. Endure - fall in love.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, yes, this is already a matter of organizing life, already getting married. But actually you had such stories when you refused someone?

INTERVIEWER: Well, I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to say this about this.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Good. Sergey, thanks. This is also important. I agree with you. Thanks a lot.

But one of our listeners just wrote that she didn’t refuse in such a situation and lives soul to soul, and everything is fine with her. Unfortunately, man is a very complex being. He is changing. He has all sorts of different things going on in the brain and psyche. And there are situations when a person is sure that he does not experience any feelings. And then it turns out that this is generally the center of the universe, this is the best thing that could ever happen to me. And it happens that endure - fall in love. Well, not in the sense of being endured, but in the sense of true love does not appear immediately. This also happens. Although, of course, rarely. I absolutely agree with Sergey that getting married because they won’t offer it anymore is a bad idea, in fact, so bad.

363-36-59. This phone is at your service. Unfortunately, we don't have much time, so only a short story. Hello! Hello! Hello!

LISTENER: Hello!

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Hello! What is your name?

LISTENER: My name is Nadezhda.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Nadezhda, did you often refuse?

LISTENER: You know, it was like that. He was 9 years younger than me. I refused. He spent the whole night at my doorstep.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Horror.

LISTENER: I felt sorry for him. I continued my acquaintance. And now we've been married for 35 years. And, you know, I love him madly.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: What a clever girl you are, Nadezhda, that you took pity on him then.

LISTENER: Here...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Thank you. Thank you very much for this call. Unfortunately, we have to take a break now, because we will have "News" soon. But I want to tell you that such a thing as ... well, so sorry for him, well, such a good one - this is the right way to find out that we overlooked the most important thing. And, by the way, about the age. Sometimes women refuse precisely because it seems to them that there are some completely insurmountable obstacles. Maybe that's why Nadezhda refused at the first moment, because she immediately said that her future chosen one was younger than her.

Thank you very much to everyone who called, and I hope they will call again. See you after the "News" in the "Typical Case".

O. ZHURAVLEVA: It's 5:35 pm in Moscow and we continue the "Typical Case" about unnecessary love. Should you reject someone you generally like?

“Love can always be replaced by friendship,” Yaroslav writes, “just like the girl I love did.” Yaroslav, has it really become easier? Here I have only one question. By the way, I am also wondering how much later this friendship is possible at all between two people in unequal relations, well, obviously unequal, who are just ... Although, probably, they are always a little unequal.

So. “On Friday, the inspector of the passport and migration service refused me. Well, of course I was offended. Vladimir from Petersburg. Everything is clear here.

“As a child, I spent my holidays in the countryside. The owner had a daughter. She woke me up one night and invited me to steal apples from a neighbor. I got scared and said no. All my life I still regret it. She didn't need any apples, of course. The girl was beautiful. I was a fool". Yes, this is a memory.

Ilya recalls that he had an unrequited love for the 1st teacher: “How many years have passed, I still remember her name and what perfume she smelled of.” Well, this is such a case when ... By the way, who really faces the problem of refusal and a very correct refusal so that there is no tragedy - these are just these 1st teachers, with whom at least one of the students is sure to fall in love . And after all, they are just at the very age when they are real men, they can come and report it or put it before some kind of choice, or something, well, I don’t know, how else to demonstrate. Here, I think, you need to have great flair and great tact.

So. “In his youth, he suffered a lot from unrequited love. I came to the conclusion that everything should be simplified. I myself do not refuse anyone if it does not require a lot of time and effort from me. By the way, one of the tips that Moskvich64 sent us here: “I chose a style of behavior not for a dream man. Forgetting to call, canceling appointments. As a result, the girls come to the conclusion that you are a goat, and that you only need one thing, and disappear from the horizon. It's easier for them, I think." Yes Yes. This is the eternal way. But you are talking about those cases when there are already some relations. And here it turns out that, unfortunately, this is not just an easy relationship, because the girl takes you more seriously than you take her. But this is some other slightly extreme, I would say.

363-36-59. The code of Moscow is 495. Have you rejected or been rejected? And is it possible to do this without resentment, and in general, maybe you later regretted it? Hello! Hello! Hello!

LISTENER: Hello!

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Hello! What is your name?

LISTENER: Hello!

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Hello! Are you driving now?

LISTENER: Yes, but I have hands free, I don't hold the phone in my hands.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, all right. What is your name?

LISTENER: Alexander.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Alexander, is it difficult for you to refuse or were you rejected?

LISTENER: Now I'm just standing at a crossroads. I need to talk to a person today or tomorrow, and reject the person. Well, not even reject, just explain that nothing will happen. With all that, the person is very good, very bright, very kind. And I perfectly understand how she feels about me, but I know very well that nothing will come of this. And it’s hard for me, and I know that she will be hurt, and some resentment will remain. But no offense - it's very difficult.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: I understand. Tell me, please, but this option, which many men talk about, behave in such a way that she herself understands that you are not her case? On purpose to demonstrate some, perhaps, features that are not characteristic of you, which can turn you away, as they say. Such…

LISTENER: And that hurts even more.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Do you think, yes, what is this ...

LISTENER: It’s better to face the truth… Well, let’s just say, a short pain, it always goes away…

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, how…

LISTENER: ... a person will even have some respect that a person had the strength, the courage to tell the truth as it is, and not behave like a pig.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, of course. On the other hand, wait, do you still want to stay in white in this situation? Well, to look after all for yourself, at least, and for this woman to look somehow more worthy? Yes? Don't want her to remember you as a bastard?

LISTENER: Well, most likely, which is probably true, she will be whiter than if she does not behave very nicely.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yes. This is true. In any case, I wish you that this all goes as painlessly as possible for both of you. Thank you very much for calling. Thank you for telling. Well, here a person is absolutely sure, that is, that he will not regret, that he will refuse.

So. “I fell in love with her when I was still living in Moscow about 6 years ago. She is in Yekaterinburg. Now I'm already in Kirov. Married. There is a son. She is also married. Recently, too, a son appeared. But I still wait and hope, ”writes Dmitry. An interesting way to wait and hope. By the way, someone wrote that when a woman answered that she was married, and where you were before, it was not at all offensive. But by the way, this is a subtle thing, when where were you before so beautiful. It seems to be flattering. This seems to explain everything. But yes, there is something to it. This must be written down. This is a good option.

“In my opinion, reciprocity is important. For example, I will never pursue a girl if she does not like me. Ilya, sometimes there are all sorts of mistakes. Well, it happens ... it seems that they kind of like me, but in fact they don’t. “Let her be super duper. No, I am for reciprocity, therefore I think that it is better, as they say, to chop the truth than all these antics, flirting, coquetry. You know, there are, unfortunately, such people, it seems to me that of both sexes, who simply like to please. Well, they like the process itself, and therefore they cannot restrain themselves in some circumstances. And then they come to them, they say how, and where are these advances, what was it all about. It's just the style. Both men and women are like that, so keep that in mind.

Sergey from Penza writes: “The older I get, the harder it is to leave. I'm probably getting sentimental." Sergey, maybe not everyone is worth parting with.

Gena writes: “I’m 64. At 17, in a frost of 30 degrees, instead of “I don’t want,” I said “I can’t.” On February 23, I gave a coupon to a sexologist. Since then, he has never refused. Gena, what a terrible drama.

“She is 22, I am 26. We studied together for a year in Korea, were friends, hung out soul to soul. A year later, when they parted, she confessed to Kamchatka, I to Moscow. She doesn't look like my type. He explained that friendship is cooler, it is forever. We are friends to this day. Denis". Well, on the other hand, maybe she too somehow, well, a little bit ... What is it called? Broke down. Maybe she also really liked this friendship, she did not know how to formulate it.

“If unfolding love turns into friendship, then maybe it’s not love, but an easy hobby.” Here you go, Irinka. Exactly.

“The girl rejected me. She apologized for a long time, said that she really liked me, but she was not ready for a relationship now. I don't feel resentment. But her sincerity and integrity led to the fact that my sympathy grew into love. However, I'm not going to tell her about it. If it doesn’t work right away, then you need to look for another one. ” Dyimar's signature. I understand that this is the name, or if it suddenly broke off, then, sorry. But I’ll tell you honestly, it happens that it didn’t work right away, but after some time it will work itself out. So not necessarily, if you meet next time and realize that this is what you have dreamed of all your life, do not force yourself to refuse.

“If you have to refuse, probably the best option is to say, I don’t want to. This is partly offensive, but no more than if you lead by the nose. All free people. No one owes anyone,” writes Sasha. Well, what? Fine.

So. Ruprecht writes: “What is true? You can pick your nose with her and wipe the table so that she stops loving. Ruprecht, well, you see, after a conversation with our previous interlocutor, another topic arises: not everyone is able to deliberately impersonate, excuse me, a goat or behave in a way that is unusual for him. In general, I want to look good in the eyes of another person, whatever he may be, to leave a good memory of himself. This is when you get married, then everything is possible. But before that, somehow I still want to keep a bright image. And some... Apparently, some kind of inner feeling does not allow a person to behave, well, less noble than usual.

So. Eugene from Penza, don't… If you're embarrassed to ask, don't ask. Everything is fine.

363-36-59. And here is a call from St. Petersburg. Hello! Hello! Turn off the receiver. You called. I listen to you. And all our listeners...

LISTENER: Hello! Hello!

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Hello! What is your name?

LISTENER: Natalia.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Natalia.

LISTENER: From St. Petersburg.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yes. Well, tell me, you refused for sure.

LISTENER: No...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Were you rejected? So?

LISTENER: Yes, there was a very strong feeling. And, you know, I would like to advise all men that it makes absolutely no sense to lead by the nose, because hope dies last. For half a year they led me by the nose.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, that is, they also missed ... calls there.

LISTENER: Yes.

LISTENER: There are business trips, there is no time for everything. Before that, everything was fine, wonderful and all that. I want to say the end of what this man did. He introduced his fiancee to me at a general party.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yeah. I mean, it was just a blow.

LISTENER: It was a terrible blow. For 10 years, I was like, well, living with a needle in my heart. I want to advise all men, you need to refuse, but it needs to be done ...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Immediately.

LISTENER: ... immediately. Of course, in a soft, friendly atmosphere, convey it so that a woman understands it. That's all.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: I understand. Natalia, tell me, please, since you have already told about it. And if this person, well, in principle, he began to behave not very well in relation to, but there would be something that, well, I don’t know, would finally convince you then, besides the bride? Or are you just so...

LISTENER: You know, I really wanted to believe. Youth, it is like this ... 19 years ...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, of course.

LISTENER: … I was. I didn't want to believe that...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: That he is not like that.

LISTENER: Yes, of course, doubts appeared, and all thoughts arose, but you drive them away with faith and hope. Therefore, dear men, be courageous, confess, but it is very important in what form, and it is important immediately, without delay.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: I understand. Thank you very much, Natalia, for these tips. Thank you very much for this call. You know, when there are such sharp movements, but I think that this is a sharp movement, when everything is somehow incomprehensible, it has resolved itself, has not resolved, and what is happening inside a person is unknown, and to imagine your bride so sharply, it may be even some kind of illness will end for a person, because this is a big shock. In the same way as on the eve of the wedding to inform that you have changed your mind. So, of course, it's better to be early.

“Women, tell men that you really like them as men with their personality, how they behave, walk, smoke, look, they are just insanely good. But here is a man, well, he doesn’t suit you at all, well, he’s not your type. Yes, probably, a man also needs to be praised before telling him that it is not suitable. By the way, I think that in general it is not harmful to praise a person, if there is something for it. But lying in this situation is also not worth it.

“I had a case at work. The girl offered, as they say, to take a walk. I prodynamil. So at work, conflicts turned out, of course, in my direction from her side and other bosses. But I alone knew what the real reason was. Why, when you love and sympathize with a person, do you want to harm him? Ilya, there are no more terrible furies in hell than a rejected woman. I don't remember who said it, but it was to the point.

So-so. “It's okay if the meeting is disrupted by the object of attention. And if acquaintances whom you consider your friends are plucking?

Igor writes that what the listener said is tinny. This is true. Well, I don’t know, there are other definitions besides tin, but, in my opinion, of course, this is a completely unworthy act.

363-36-59. Hello! Hello! You are calling from somewhere far away. What is your name? Turn off the receiver. You are already on the air. Hello! Yes?

LISTENER: Hello!

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Hello! Where are you calling from?

LISTENER: I am from St. Petersburg.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Ah! You just already have a telephone as if you were in Finland. And what is your name?

LISTENER: My name is Sergey.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Sergey, state your position.

LISTENER: There is such a philosophy of the Dean. He has a wonderful saying that I could never understand in my youth. The saying is: "Let people tear your heart apart, but be afraid to amaze anyone with the beauty of your soul." And so I thought about this statement, but could not understand. I just ... thoroughly got into a difficult situation with my 2nd sad wife for me, then I realized that I didn’t have to ... the beauty of my soul, but I had to immediately say directly and accurately: “You know, dear, firstly, nothing will work for me. You don't suit me. You are hysterical. And in principle, it is impossible to live with a hysteric.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: That is, you wanted to... Excuse me, please, Sergey, I want to summarize about the beauty of the soul. You wanted to look your best, right? Do not offend? Keep it somehow...

LISTENER: That's right. Yes Yes. In every possible way I actually tried to look much better, well, that is, maybe ... Well, generally speaking, exactly the way I am in reality. Here. But this desire to be as good as possible and, perhaps, just the way I am, has brought me, generally speaking, to trouble. Here. And I think that you need to be more courageous, or something ...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yes.

LISTENER: And you need to firmly pull yourself together and say ... yes, even though I really am to some extent, maybe, and probably a pig. Here. Or, well, not a pig. But really just...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Well, I will behave cruelly, but this is correct.

LISTENER: Yes, yes. All right. That is, it is better than generally speaking, so to speak, to relax and say, well, okay, let it go, it means that it goes as it goes. Here. Because if you eventually lose control of the situation, then the situation starts to control you. Or, in general, not quite worthy people begin to lead you. This is trouble.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: I agree with you, Sergey.

LISTENER: ... you don't need to amaze anyone with the beauty of your soul.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Thank you. These are really important words, and it's great that you said this. This is true.

So. “I advise everyone to read Boris Pilnyak's Grego-Trimuntan, the revenge of a rejected woman for a lifetime and even after death,” Sergey writes to us. Not all rejected women and men are vindictive, but if they are, then at least there is a perfectly clear explanation. It happens that people just do bad things to you, you don’t even understand why. But yes, it really is...

Irinka chooses a good turn from the Voronezh region: "The main thing is not to be married to a man who cannot refuse anyone." Here you are right. Oh, how right you are, Irinka! And, to be honest, for such a kind, compassionate ... marrying such a kind, compassionate woman is also not very good luck if she cannot refuse anyone, because everyone is sorry, they are all so nice.

“In general, the ethical problem could not be solved in one program.” Carlos, you know, I was just thinking about the fact that there are ethical problems that are essentially insoluble completely, and most of them are not solvable. Is it possible to save one child at the cost of the life of another? Yes? So you can solve this problem? Me not. Not for one show, not for 50. But there are just some, let's say, steps, some topics, some ideas, some phrases that sometimes, maybe, will help a person when he makes a decision when he finds himself in a similar situation.

“It seems to me that a person,” writes Ilya, “is a thrifty creature. Therefore, we try, as it were, to stock up on love, and suddenly, as they say, it doesn’t work out, in case of a fire. Of course, well done to those who say that you need to immediately dot the “e” all at once. But let's be honest, it's impossible in principle. Intrigue, love - it fascinates. Yes, I also read on one of the forums. The young man there said he was dating someone. They asked him about something. He says: these loving eyes are so wonderful, she looks like that, she is so young. All this is wonderful. That he is in love is out of the question. But the process itself, of course, is pleasant. I like to like. It is clear.

So. “We need to act according to the situation. When a person who shows sympathy towards you may seem unsympathetic at first, you can communicate, but make it clear how you feel about him so that he knows how you feel about him at the moment. In the future, your attitude towards him may change, and he may lose interest in you, ”writes Alice from Samara. Alice, a complicated story, but if a person shows sympathy, not everyone is able to understand at every moment of time whether he shows sympathy or upbringing, or he just drank too much, or something else happened, or he is now trying to demonstrate to what something to another person that he actually shows sympathy for you. It is very difficult to figure out what happens in life, because there have been, for sure, each of you has had such stories, or they were told to you, or you watched them, when, as they say, like snow on your head. When, I don’t know, there, in a letter or in some kind of almost posthumous note, it turned out that, it turns out, this man loved you all his life, but you didn’t even know.

Denisovich from the Krasnodar Territory proposes to hold a referendum right away. Between 2 participants? Love does not love? Well, by the way, here he loves - he does not love. Yes. Chamomile divination, where does it come from, because it is very difficult to understand what is really happening.

So-so. “… not to harbor hope that can lead to further disappointments. It’s better to cut hope right away and move on.” I hope that Dymar does not kill any hope in these ideas of his. Everything is different, you know. Here is the person whom our listener refused, just Nadezhda, he, too, probably thought that his life was over and passed, but somehow he struggled, he sat on the stairs. And it helped. So you see, anything can happen.

363-36-59. Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! We are listening to you. Yes? What is your name?

LISTENER: Hello! My name is Lydia.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yes, Lydia. Where are you from?

LISTENER: I turn off the radio. One second.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yes, yes. Lydia, where are you?

LISTENER: Hello!

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Yes, yes. We listen to you, Lydia.

LISTENER: My name is Lydia. We are with you… Do you remember when you interviewed me?

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Why are you.

LISTENER: I want to tell. I was 17 years old. I was raised by my grandmother. And during Christmas time, she offered me to tell fortunes on the ring. The ring is lowered into a glass of water, two candles and a mirror. And this must be done at 12 o'clock at night. I looked, I looked. I don't see anyone. But then suddenly a man appeared, a military man. He held the horse by the belt. The horse drank from the stream. And he looked at me and smiled. Well, so-so handsome ... handsome, but pleasant, young. Here. And many, many years passed, and so many proposals were made to me ... 26 before him, and everything was not the same, not the same ... I completely forgot. It's been 7-8 years. I was returning from the institute in the evening. Studied and worked. And at the bus stop a man approached me, a military man, and asked if he would get there ... where I was going too. Well, I mean, I didn't pay attention to him. Here we are on the bus. He stared at me, staring all the way. They went out together. Then he still found me, and we got married.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: But did you recognize him, Lydia? Did you find out that this is the same betrothed?

LISTENER: No, no. I didn't even remember him. I remembered this when the child was 2 years old. Boy. Here. And we lived 20 years. He was very literate, knew languages, played the piano, from such a good family, and I am from a poor one. Here they lived for 20 years, and he died. He was twice wounded and shell-shocked. And he left me 2 boys and his 90-year-old blind father. A year later, when the eldest son was in the 1st year of the institute, the youngest was in the 3rd grade, a year later Leonid Konstantinovich Chelnokov, the chief artist of the Krasny Oktyabr confectionery factory, proposed to me.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Of course. I remember, I remember this.

LISTENER: Here she is. You know, very kind and very good. He didn’t drink, didn’t smoke, earned a lot, he loved us all so much. At first, you know, I sort of refused. I say: “Well, why do you need me with two children and an old man with an old one?” He says: “I will help you ...” I say: “I want me to give my children an education, so that they are intelligent, literate, and love their Motherland.” He says, “You can't do it. I will help you". Well, I'm so...

O. ZHURAVLEVA: In general, I convinced you.

LISTENER: Yes. Lived 33 years. I lived like in Christ's bosom. And he did everything for me. My eldest son now works for the United Nations in New York.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: That is, everything was fine with education?

LISTENER: Yes. And the youngest - four higher, all with honors.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Lydia, you know…

LISTENER: Such is life.

O. ZHURAVLEVA: Excellent! Great story. Thanks a lot. Unfortunately, it's time to end. But this story from our listener, it certainly looks interesting, because you can see the perspective is such a reverse, as it all happened. It seems that it would be possible to refuse a nice person. The handsome man was persuasive. And, by the way, he was an outstanding person.

Irinka from the Voronezh region writes: “I listen to the men in this program. It seems to me that many men confuse love with sex. No, Irinka, they just don’t confuse her, and that’s all the problems. Because very often what women consider a relationship is just sex. And what a woman perceives as love is, well, it just happened like that. And just a man understands that everything is wonderful here, but there is no love, and therefore refuses. This is where the worst drama happens.

“It's good when people understand what's going on, what they want and what they don't. Worse, when you and your husband decide to live separately, and he starts a relationship that you find out about by chance. To which the husband says that he told the girl honestly, who has sympathy for him, that these are just meetings and that's it. It's strange how simple it is when he himself doesn't know what will lead to what. As a result, we still have a relationship with my husband, living separately. Well, in general, yes. Again, the question of terms. Agree from the very beginning who considers himself free, who does not, and in general how to live on. But in any case, of course, rejecting another person is very painful, so be careful, be tactful. And thank you very much for sharing. All the best!

The love triangle Alexander Blok - Lyubov Blok - Andrei Bely was especially difficult for the latter. And all, apparently, due to the fact that Andrei Bely was the most in love in this trinity. When Lyubov Blok unexpectedly rejected the poet, he almost lost his mind. "I thought about her - the Mother of God, but she turned out to be a devil," Bely would later say about his beloved.

Pravda.ru recently spoke about a love triangle in the family life of the outstanding Russian poet Alexander Blok. Today we offer a closer look at one of these "corners" - the writer Andrei Bely. Symbolist Boris Bugaev worked under this pseudonym. "Women worried Andrei Bely much more than it is customary to think about him," Vyacheslav Khodachevich, who had known him for 19 years, testified.

We have already written about the prehistory of Bely's relationship with Lyubov Dmitrievna Blok, and we refer those who wish to know to the corresponding note. Let's finish this love story, which, according to Khodasevich, "played an important role in the literary relations of that era, in the fate of many people who were not even directly involved in it and, ultimately, in the entire history of symbolism. Then there were loves in his life, and quick hobbies, but that love was preserved through everything and above everything. Only that woman, she alone, he really loved.

The affair with Blok's wife developed rapidly. After painful reflections, Lyubov Dmitrievna decided to part with Alexander Alexandrovich, but on the condition that Boris Nikolayevich would certainly take her to hell, best of all to Italy. It remained to inform Blok himself. Elementary decency demanded to do it personally. Bely wrote: "The monstrous, tragic spring of 1906 ... I did not part with Lyubov Dmitrievna. She demanded - she herself demanded that I give her an oath to save her, even against her will. And Sasha was silent, bottomlessly silent. Or tried to joke. Or left drink red wine."

The conversation of two friends-poets took place in the presence of his mistress-wife. According to Bely's recollections, Blok at that moment, beautiful as Saint Sebastian pierced by arrows, said: "Well ... I'm glad ..." His wife shouted: "Sasha, really? ..." Blok left the office, Boris and Lyubov burst into tears. “And black crows croaked outside the window. They croaked at our heads…,” Boris Bugaev wrote in hot pursuit. And how he looked into the water.

Bely categorically rejected the advice of Tatyana Gippius to go over to a "life of three" - family en trois, which her sister Zinaida led with Merezhkovsky and Filosofov. He believed the assurances of Lyubov Dmitrievna that "Alexander Alexandrovich is not her husband, they do not live like husband and wife, she loves him brotherly," but him, Borya, with true love.

For a trip abroad, lovers needed a lot of money, and Bely went to Moscow to borrow them. At first, Lyuba hurried him in letters, then a series of declarations of love for Blok, then for Bely began. If earlier she loved her husband with brotherly love, now brotherly feelings were intended for Boris Bugaev. “Borya, I understood everything,” Lyubov Dmitrievna wrote in a letter dated March 17, 1906. “I love Sasha with true love. You are my brother. Borya, do you understand that I cannot change my first love?”

A month later, Lyuba sent a letter to Bora, in which she asked him not to come to their St. Petersburg apartment, referring to Sasha's upcoming last difficult exam. And although this was true, it did not in the least prevent Blok from continuing to visit drinking establishments of the lowest sort and third-rate taverns. The poet stayed in them until the morning, and soon pleased first his friends - prominent figures of the Silver Age, and later all Russian readers with his masterpiece - "The Stranger".

In early August, Lyuba received a letter in which she refused to meet with Bely and forbade him to visit them. She asked not only not to come to St. Petersburg, but even to stop correspondence. On August 8 in Moscow, at the request of the Bloks, a meeting was held at the Prague restaurant. In the presence of two silent gentlemen, Lyubov Dmitrievna, in an ultimatum form, demanded the same thing that she had previously written about in her letters - not to visit the Blocks, put the whim about a trip to Italy out of her head and stop writing to her. Bugaev flew out of the restaurant like a champagne cork.

Putting on a black masquerade mask, Bely received incoming friends in this form. He persuaded one of his friends to take Blok a challenge to a duel. Alexander Alexandrovich judiciously replied that there was no reason for a duel, and Borya "needed to rest." Bely did not want to accept such a turn of things and wrote to Blocks, begging them to agree to any conditions, but only to allow him to see Lyuba again. “I swear that Lyuba is me, but only the best,” cried Boris. “I swear that She is the shrine of my soul; I swear that I have nothing but the shrine of my soul. whatever it was) I’m getting ready, as for a sacrament.” Symbolists experienced love not at all symbolically, but in the utmost tension and fullness. Fatal woman, duel, suicide, madness and more.

The love of Tatyana and Evgeny is one of the main plot lines of the novel by Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin "Eugene Onegin". So why does Tatyana, still in love with Onegin, reject his confession at the end of the work? Let's figure it out.

What does Tatiana appear to us at the beginning of the novel? The narrator describes her as a dreamy young girl, aloof and unlike the rest of her surroundings. Her appearance cannot be compared with the appearance of her sister Olga:

"So, her name was Tatyana.

Nor the beauty of his sister,

Nor the freshness of her ruddy

She would not attract eyes.

Dika, sad, silent,

Like a forest doe is timid,

She is in her family

She seemed like a stranger."

The girl did not do things that are characteristic of girls, neither in childhood nor in her youth.

She did not play with dolls, did not embroider, but only "in thought she spent her days of rural leisure." She was different. Too different, too distant.

"But dolls even in these years

Tatyana did not take it in her hands;

About the news of the city, about fashion

Didn't have a conversation with her.

And there were childish pranks

Alien to her: scary stories

In winter in the dark of nights

They captivated her heart more."

So, our Tatyana is a thoughtful, dreamy, timid and quiet nature. In her romanticism, she is very close to Lensky. With her sister, they are like two sides of the same coin - Olga is lively, sociable, sweet and simple-hearted. But, as the narrator notes, her image can be found on the pages of any novel, there is nothing special, interesting, catchy in her. Such quickly "immensely bored."

In Tatyana, he sees the ideal of a Russian girl, much ahead of the canons of modern society at that time. It is noteworthy that Tatyana is one of the most beloved characters of Pushkin himself.

Its unusualness is noticed by Onegin in a conversation with Lensky after his first visit to the Larins' house. He is sincerely surprised that Vladimir preferred Olga to Tatyana:

"Are you in love with a smaller one?"

And what? - "I would choose another,

When I was like you, a poet.

Olga has no life in features.

Tatyana's love should also be special. By nature, she was then still so naive, so romantic and young, that she easily fell in love with the sweet tales of the novels she read:

"She liked novels early;

They replaced everything for her;

She fell in love with deceptions

Both Richardson and Rousseau."

And the girl believes that everything will also be beautiful and romantic for her, as if in one of her books. She is already seventeen, she is already ripe for her great love!

"For a long time her imagination,

Burning with grief and longing,

Alkalo fatal food;

Long hearted languor

It pressed her young breast;

The soul was waiting... for someone."

Just at this time, Tatyana meets Onegin. She saw in him the very ideal from her novels that she was looking for. The young man was not like her other boring acquaintances and neighbors, with whom the girl had nothing in common. She plunges into novels with even greater rapture, because she has no one with whom to discuss all the experiences that occur in her heart. With their help, she complements the image of Onegin with her fantasies:

"Lover Yulia Wolmar,

Malek-Adel and de Linard,

And Werther, the rebellious martyr,

And incomparable Grandison,

which brings us to sleep,

Everything for a gentle dreamer

Clothed in a single image,

They merged in one Onegin.

All this leads to the fact that Tatyana is simply forced to confess to Onegin - she cannot do otherwise. But that's where the romance ends. Eugene rejects her; despite his politeness and courtesy, despite his honesty, his words severely hurt her. But even after the refusal, Tatyana does not stop loving Onegin, because this is her nature, this is what she is all about.

"No, more than a joyless passion

Poor Tatyana is on fire;

Her bed sleep runs;

Health, life color and sweetness,

Smile, virgin peace,

All that is empty sound is gone,

And dear Tanya's youth fades ... "

It's amazing how strong love can be. Even after the refusal, even after the tragic duel with Lensky, even after Onegin left for St. Petersburg, Tatyana does not give up, she is still trying to understand her beloved. As she grows older, the realization slowly comes to her that she thought up the image of her lover herself, therefore she does not know a lot about him.

"... Indulged in reading

Tatyana with a greedy soul:

And another world opened up to her."

However, it is after visiting the estate, after reading his books, that Tatyana realizes that Onegin is not the person to whom she once wrote a letter, not the hero she invented.

"What is he? Really an imitation,

An insignificant ghost, or else

Muscovite in Harold's raincoat,

Alien whims interpretation,

Full lexicon of fashionable words?..

Isn't he a parody?

Has the riddle been solved?

Has the word been found?

Years pass, Tatyana marries, becomes a princess. Suddenly Onegin returns. At first, he does not even recognize her, then how incredibly she has changed simply does not fit in his head:

"She was sitting at the table

With the brilliant Nina Voronskaya,

This Cleopatra of the Neva,

And yes, you would agree

That Nina marble beauty

I couldn't outshine my neighbor

Even if it was stunning."

The changes are not only external, no, Tatyana has matured. This is no longer the girl who could not restrain her emotions, sitting opposite her lover:

"She has darkening eyes

Does not raise: bursts violently

There is a passionate heat in her; she is stuffy, bad;

She greets two friends

Can't hear tears from eyes

They want to drip; already ready

The poor thing is going to faint."

And yet, even in this indifferent princess one can see the former Tatyana. The way she hurts from meeting with Eugene, how she becomes ill when talking with him - all this shows the drama of the situation without further ado. But the current Tatyana, even in such a situation, is ready to control herself.

"Hey-she! not that she shuddered

Ile suddenly turned pale, red...

Her eyebrow did not move;

She didn't even purse her lips.

It was because of these changes that she refused Onegin. The young naive girl turned into a calm, wise life experience, faithful wife to her husband. It is unthinkable for her to betray her husband, even for the sake of the man she still loves and never stopped loving. Now it's not about feelings at all, it's about honor and dignity, devotion to family and oath. Therefore, even after Onegin's confession, when he seems to repeat her desperate act from the beginning of the novel, Tatyana finds the strength to refuse him.