If the conversation doesn't stick. What to do when the conversation does not stick? Search for common interests

Man cannot live without communication. Almost all of our time free from sleep, we communicate with friends and strangers. Usually, unless, of course, a person has grown up isolated from civilization, there are no problems with communication. However, when it comes to communicating with a girl they like, male representatives often come to a screeching halt. It would seem, what is so difficult? After all, there are so many topics that can be discussed. But even an already highly educated person, who knows a lot of interesting things, and is not deprived of oratorical skills, a conversation with a girl often does not go well.

Everyone is to blame for the fear of saying something wrong and forming a bad opinion about themselves. As a result, it really forms, but not because of a wrong phrase, but because of an absurd silence. So what to do in such situations? Everything is very simple - you need to talk about yourself, as well as listen to what the girl says to you (the second is even more important). There is nothing to be afraid of. The conversation will start by itself, and there will be no trace of primary timidity. And if you don't know how to keep up a conversation with a girl so as not to put yourself in a bad light, follow a couple of simple tips, and if she likes you, everything will go just fine. Knowing that you are on the right path will help you feel confident.

So, the main thing in a conversation is not to tire the lady and not let her get bored. After all, you need to leave a positive impression about yourself, and for this, she must associate you with pleasant sensations. Therefore, do not turn a conversation with a girl into a lecture about football or C++ programming. For these purposes, you have friends.

You can start a conversation with chatter that does not oblige you to anything: weather, mood, latest news, study, etc. But don't dwell on these topics for long. They are just there to start a conversation. Then you need to arouse the girl's interest. Let her talk about what she is interested in, even if you yourself do not understand anything about it. In spite of everything, show your interest, even if it is artificial, praise her, make a light compliment - all this will help you create a pleasant impression of yourself.

When it comes to you, in no case do not complain about anything, even if things are not going well. This is your wife who can take pity on you and provide assistance, and an unfamiliar girl should see in you. But don’t go too far, boasting will not lead to good either. It is best to have a conversation with a girl in a half-joking tone. Tell lively and cheerfully. Do not load it with all the details of your work or study. Let her have a slight feeling of mystery coming from you after communication, even if you are the most ordinary person in life.

In general, the conversation should be conducted only in a positive and slightly frivolous tone: there should not be any disputes and negative emotions, even if you consider her opinion to be wrong. Talking to a girl is not a place for self-affirmation and sticking out your “ego”, this is an exciting game in which you will receive her favor as a prize.

However, the situation changes slightly if you have a conversation with a girl on the phone. In this case, it will not be used, and therefore your spell on it is unlikely to work. If you haven't dated a girl in a while, it's best to use your phone for one purpose only - to arrange a new date. The same applies to which gives you even fewer opportunities to reveal yourself. Leave the Internet for and finally go out on a real date. And then it all depends on you. The main thing is to feel confident and not be afraid. Believe me, the girl is going through the same way as you, and it is you who should charge her with a sense of calm and self-confidence.

Psychologist Olga Romaniv

Compatibility of partners plays an important role in relationships. But often this influence is greatly exaggerated, especially with age. Many believe that life experience allows them to immediately understand whether “their” person is a new acquaintance or not, and that one meeting, or even a first glance, is enough to make an unambiguous conclusion. Maybe, before dismissing a person, it is worth talking to him first? And how to do it competently, the founder and head of the Classics of Relations Dating Club, a psychologist and writer, will tell Olga Romaniv.

What stops us from communicating?

« Prejudices, stereotypes, attitudes and expectations(often unrealistic) that we overgrow as we grow up. Our character acquires rigidity, stubbornness, rigidity, and habits - stability. And our personality becomes much more precious to us than a constructive relationship with a loved one.

For comparison, you can recall the impressions of youth, when each new person represented for us a whole world, unfamiliar and mysterious, which was interesting to explore and try to understand. It was much easier to find a common language, topics for conversation, to accept someone else's point of view. And the level of hormonal activity gave unforgettable emotions and an active desire to please.

With age, unfortunately, the conformity of the partner comes first. our list of set requirements that are so hard to give up. If only a man would not break the given rhythm of our life and harmoniously fit into what is already happening, without introducing (oh, horror!) His own expectations and ideas about relationships. And if both potential partners have such attitudes, then we get an unsolvable task of establishing harmonious relations between them. It is about similar situations that they say: "Someone must be smarter." In this case, the smarter will be the one who has the information, skills and willingness to change. It is the flexibility inherent in our youth that ensures development.

6 rules of communication

1 Make it a rule to compliment a man. Of course, sincerely. This will relax the interlocutor, show him that you are interested in him, allow him to open up. Praise will serve as a great help in the process of the whole conversation - you will win over your partner.

2 If you find it difficult to carry on a conversation – ask questions. But only the ones that really interest you. Communication will leave a pleasant impression only if it was interesting for both of you to communicate. In addition, on the topic that is most fascinating to you, you will always have something to say and what to ask the interlocutor. Tortured questions of positive emotions will not bring.

3 Avoid long stories and watch the other person's reaction. Brevity is not only the sister of talent, but also the key to comfortable communication. Let it be left unsaid. This is a great opportunity to meet again and continue communication. By the way the interlocutor reacts to your story - listens with enthusiasm, asks questions or is distracted, holds back a yawn - you can understand how active his attention is to you.

4 Feel free to show positive emotions. They are contagious! Surely you have noticed more than once how in the presence of a gloomy, dissatisfied person, the mood deteriorates and you want to run away as soon as possible. But the cheerful optimist with his one smile returns faith in his own strength and in the future. So share the positive! Complaints, especially against former gentlemen, indignation, boredom and pessimism repel others!

5 Try to avoid topics of politics, religion, money and past relationships. They are too subjective and can lead to a conflict of views. Set them aside for the time when stability and trust will appear in your relationship with a man.

6 Be sure to smile! This will help you build a bridge from your heart to the heart of a man. This is where love comes to us.

Irene was friends with Katya for almost two years. They did a lot together: they went shopping, as is customary for girls, discussed boys, sat in cafes for a long time, laughed at each other's unfunny jokes, talked about everything directly and openly. Irene boldly called this friendship ideal, which could not be better. One cold winter evening, the friends were sitting, as always, in a small cozy cafe and sharing new impressions over a cup of coffee. Snow was falling in fluffy flakes outside the window, but the room was warm and cozy. The friends have been sitting here for almost two hours, talking about everything in the world.

Irene spoke mostly, she talked about what is happening in her life, what she thinks about all this, what men appear on her horizon, talked about which cookies are delicious and which are not, where it is better to go for a birthday, retold the contents of a recently read book, uttered clever, in her opinion, phrases, assumed what the weather would be like tomorrow, gossiped about acquaintances, looking at herself in the reflection of mirrors, she spoke in one breath, stopping occasionally to get more air into her lungs and continue the conversation. Katya sat silently, looking from the face of her interlocutor to her glass of coffee, she nodded when Irene addressed her, smiled when the girl said something funny, and incessantly crumpled the paper napkins in her hands.

And then the moment came, which comes in every women's conversation - they started talking about boys, that is, about one boy. 1859 Irene recently met Ilya, and now he wrote to her every day. Ilya was a simple guy who did not have any special abilities, his only feature was his silence, which the girl really appreciated in him. She could prove something to him for hours, and he could listen to her silently at that moment.

You know, he writes every day, but I don't understand why he writes at all? Irene was outraged.

Why? - Kate wondered.

You see, every day he writes questions: hello, how are you, what are you doing, and he answers my answers in monosyllables, as if he wants to get rid of me. This is strange, because why do you need to start a conversation, so that later you can answer all my remarks: yeah, it’s understandable - it’s so sad. He seems to shift all the responsibility for the conversation onto me, and then I myself come up with topics for conversation.

And you ask him why he writes. Katya suggested.

And I told him directly that our conversation was not going well with him, and he said: where did you get this from? Is he that stupid? I don’t understand, well, it’s clear that the conversation is not going well. This is so strange, it seems to me that the conversation does not work out, but it doesn’t seem so to him at all, maybe this comes from the fact that he is really narrow-minded, because he is always silent. I once said to him: "Tell me something." And he replies: “What should I tell? I like listening to you."

Maybe he really is such a person, maybe he really likes to listen to you?

No, no, we just don’t have common topics for conversation, it’s always only me who talks, but he doesn’t give any thought, you know what I mean?

Yes, but maybe he's just shy, he likes you, but he doesn't know where to start?

I don't think so, we just don't have a conversation.

Well, it's okay, - her friend reassured, - after all, it also happens with us that the conversation does not go well.

Irene frowned and looked at her friend questioningly. She was silent for the rest of the evening. After all, she could not even think that in their ideal friendship they could not have a conversation, it always seemed to her that the conversation never stops for a minute, and there are no difficult moments. She sincerely could not understand: how could she miss something?

OK. You need to keep up a conversation with someone you see for the first time. Do not sit with your mouth closed. A simple "how are you?" won't fit. “That’s not the kind of question you should ask a stranger,” says communications expert and author of The Art of Easy Conversation, Debra Fine. Catch three saving phrases.

If you've never met: "What are you doing now?"

“It is not always correct to ask a person directly about what he does for a living,” says Fine. Maybe he just got fired and is looking for a new job. Or maybe he is so dreary that he does not want to talk about these tedious papers that he shifts every day in his free time.

Your wording is better: it will give the interlocutor the opportunity to talk about what he wants to talk about. If it's about work, okay, let it be about work. And if it's about a hobby, let it be about a hobby. All the better!

If you already know: “Well, see you!”

Imagine: you have already met her and even know something about her, but you (seemingly) have no common interests. Start by asking, “How have you been all this time?” - show that you are really interested in what has been going on in her life since the last time you saw each other.

New job? Ask her about the biggest achievements in the new place. Is she preparing to run a marathon? Ask to advise you useful things as a beginner in this matter. “People love to talk about themselves. Give them that opportunity,” Fine advises.

In the case of a one-sided dialogue: "Yes and ..."

To keep the conversation going, follow the golden rule of all stand-up comedians: repeat and confirm everything the other person says, and then add something of your own to it. If someone says, “Yesterday was a beautiful day,” you can say, “Yes, it was!” – and the whole dialogue will end there. Instead, say something like, “Really, I was so happy to finally get out of the house and go to nature!”. Wait for the interlocutor to start talking about the kebabs that he ate at the dacha with his family. See? The conversation is arguable.

There are situations when you need to keep up a conversation with a person whom you see for the first time in your life. Starting a conversation is not a problem. The hardest part is being able to keep up the conversation. It’s good if you have a talker in front of you, who is happy for any reason to “sharpen his folly”. It is a completely different matter if you are dealing with a person whose every word is worth its weight in gold. So what do you do if the conversation doesn't stick?

look around

Be attentive to the environment. Look around. Perhaps you will see the very thing that can become a stick that kindles a fire of conversation. The reason for an interesting remark does not have to be something extraordinary. It can be a simple phrase about the design of the room, about what is happening outside the window, or even the question “what is the password for wi-fi?”.

More optimism!

Talking to a stranger is not the best time to express some kind of negativity. Stay positive and don't complain. But if your interlocutor wants to throw out anger at rising prices, poor wages or noisy neighbors - do not deny him this pleasure. When he sees that you are sympathetic to his problems, he will be more comfortable with you.

Get ready

Banal curiosity will help to keep up a conversation with any person. Try to keep abreast of the latest events, regularly look at the information reports for the day or the last week.
You can remember some significant event in the country or the world when there is an awkward pause. Ask the other person for their opinion on what happened.

Be interested in the interlocutor

If you can’t untie the language of the “partisan”, try asking him more personal questions: about his hobbies, interests, habits, work, family. Many people like to reminisce. Ask the interlocutor, for example, about school or student years. Any person feels more free, talking on topics familiar and close to him.

Field for reflection

Try to ask questions that can be answered broadly, rather than just yes or no.

Smile!

Learn to “play along” with your interlocutor with facial expressions, smile more often, nod affirmatively in response to his words. Agree that the smile of the interlocutor is felt even during a telephone conversation. What can we say about personal communication. Of course, you should not show insane delight when you do not share it. But a response needs to be given.

Call me by my name...

Psychologists say that it is difficult for a person to find something nicer than his own name.

The simpler the better

No need to build yourself a smartass who owns scientific terms. Even if you are at a scientific conference, it is better to start a conversation with simple topics. Do not force the interlocutor to strain your brain from the first minutes.

Avoid Unsolicited Advice

If a person does not ask you for advice, most likely he does not need it. Better restrain yourself, even if you really want to teach the mind.

Main Rule

Remember: with any person there is something to talk about. To do this, it is important to be inquisitive yourself and show a keen interest in life. The art of dialogue begins not with the technique of the conversation itself, but with an interested attitude towards people.

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