How I managed to adequately survive the divorce after the betrayal of my husband. Survive a divorce from your wife and move on! Proven ways to get back to normal life

Divorce is the strongest emotional stress for a woman. After parting, you have to change your usual way of life and sadly remember your favorite joint hobbies. When the house turned into a battlefield and the halves cooled off towards each other, then, most likely, parting will bring relief to both. And what if the spouse remained dearly loved even after the divorce? How to cope with unbearable pain, which is firmly seated in the soul and does not think to leave it?

First time - the hardest!

It seems to you that the world has collapsed and only in your ex-wife do you see your savior. But it's not. His constant presence nearby has become a vital necessity for you, perhaps you even “dissolved” in him, and now the subconscious mind refuses to perceive reality alone. No matter how sad, but you have to make an effort on yourself. This is necessary in order to heal and live on, to become successful and build a new happy life.

The main thing you need is to limit communication with your ex-husband. The mistake of many women after a divorce is the stubborn pursuit of a loved one. They begin to write tearful letters and messages, try to sort things out in person, send friends for an important conversation, and in every possible way lure lovers on a date. Do not allow such actions - they are humiliating and negatively affect self-esteem.

Instead of focusing on your ex-husband, give yourself a period of time during which you can get hurt. Cry, think about your future life, have pity on yourself - just don't get too carried away with this activity.

Usually the "acute" period ends one to two months after the divorce. This does not mean that after the expiration of the term you will be completely cured of love for your spouse. Time will only dull the pain and allow you to move on to further actions for a complete “recovery”.

What not to do after a divorce:

Take antidepressants and similar drugs. The portal website advises: if you want to get rid of insomnia and improve the functioning of the nervous system, limit yourself to the use of sedatives with a mild effect, preferably of plant origin;
Seek help from alcohol. Alcohol can attract you with the possibility of easy relaxation and removal from problems. But it will not heal the spiritual wound, and the pain after waking up will only intensify. In addition, it is easy to become addicted to addiction, and what this is fraught with - you probably know;
Shut off from the outside world and spend all the time alone. Of course, it is possible, and even necessary, to mourn and cry. But you shouldn't get carried away with it. If you stop communicating with friends and loved ones, then, for sure, you will bring yourself to a depressive state, from which it will be difficult to get out.

The main task is to fall out of love!

When the most difficult period is over, and most of the tears have been shed, it's time to move on to the next stage. To open up to new relationships, you need to get rid of old burdensome feelings. This task is difficult, but doable.

Remove or throw away all gifts from your ex-husband and things that remind you of him. The same applies to photographs - if you do not want to tear them, then at least hide the pictures in the farthest drawer;
Ask friends and family to exclude all mention of the spouse. Do not keep talking about him, answer the questions of colleagues and acquaintances in monosyllables and do not give a reason to develop the topic;
Pay attention to the positive aspects of life after a divorce. For example, you can devote the free time that has appeared to self-care, take a trip that you have been planning for a long time, go to the cinema to see your favorite movie, etc.

You can also resort to a popular psychological technique that allows you to cool the feelings you have for your ex-spouse in a short time. Such practices are called emotional release and allow you to analyze the flow of life and restore spiritual integrity.

The main stages of emotional discharge:

Brightly and colorfully describe your feelings and desires for your loved one. Use a notebook, as one sheet will not be enough;
Be specific about why you feel this way. Two or three lines is not enough, it is necessary to give a detailed answer;
Put down your notebook and rest for a few hours;
Describe in detail the person you really need. Tell us how he should be, how he will behave in certain situations, what feelings he will experience for you;
Match the person you love with the description of the person you need. Separately, indicate all the bad habits of the ex-husband, his shortcomings, both psychological and physical;
Carefully study the list of his negative features, add what you forgot. Think about whether this is the person you would like to see next to you;
Realize that over time, people don't change, and their negative habits only get worse. Write what you will have to sacrifice for the sake of living together with your ex-spouse. Try to paint it in colors, presenting the worst possible scenario of the development of events.

Now think about it, because at the moment you are describing your real future, what it would be like without a divorce. Working with records will open your eyes to the object of love in just a week, and you will understand that such a person has nothing to do in your life.

Your main goal after a breakup is not to withdraw into yourself. Come up with an interesting hobby, take care of your appearance, career, communicate with friends. Surely, during the time of family life, you wanted to do something “such”, but did not dare. Now is the time to make your dream come true. And it does not matter what it will be - a new haircut or a parachute jump. The main thing is that the positive emotions that you will experience will be much more useful than the tears shed because of a man who is unworthy of them.

I am 38, I was not married, but I have a son, he is now 19 years old, we live together. When he was little, I thought he would not grow up much and I would marry so that it would be easier for her, no diapers and no reproaches against me. Years passed, he grew up and I began to understand that I had to get married when he was little. I remember his look at other people's Moms when they lisped with their children, when I took his kindergarten from school later. I didn’t have many women as men or my friends can boast. I denied myself a lot, although knowing that women like me, I won’t hide, I’m a pretty brunette with blue eyes. You can’t even imagine what a holiday it was for me when my mother came to visit us, it meant that I could these two, three days to pay attention to yourself. My son was 11 years old when she met that same love, or whatever it is called “at your discretion and representation))”. She is a sweet, pretty girl with a low voice, her daughter was two years old, she worked in structures on a discrete vacation. Met, walked with children, dined and woke up together in my territory. Never invited guests to her place. But this could not be avoided, since we practically began to live together, we were visiting her. Yes, to be honest, her life was not very easy. It was difficult for her to eat. Although her Mom and sister lived very well, you can say prosperously. Yes, I met them and we still respect each other, what can I say about my passion. I won’t tell the details, they always told me that she was not grateful, and that’s why she lives and we will not help her. We decided that we would live together, oooh you have no idea how much I was in love with her. I decided to take out a mortgage on an apartment because I didn’t have my own housing and we rented with my son, and the thought flashed through my mind that you never know that housing will be housing. But no, my woman sawed me for a long time that this was not necessary and why she had housing for us, and without this there would be where to invest. I listened, we lived, made repairs, raised children, or rather, all this fell on my shoulders. she immediately left the maternity leave ahead of time, as it became easier for her. I won’t praise myself, but I worked with children. Her daughter called me dad, I loved her madly. I took kindergarten, taught me to read at 4 years old, at 5 years old I signed up for English lessons, at 6 years old I went to gymnastics. in general, the children were mine, only I cooked. It's good that I had work from 8 to 17 two days off. Well, her work, of course, cannot be compared with mine, she is from the structures)), she leaves in the morning and comes at nine, ten in the evening for everything ready. With this certification, we used to not see her for days. I did the repairs with my own hands, no one was hired in order to save money, though I did a little more than a year. Well, you can’t immediately buy everything. the apartment looked perfect, I didn’t think I could)), furnished with furniture, began to go to the sea in the sanatorium, my daughter went every year, began to save some money, Mom and sister began to communicate with her even to help in something, there was a feeling of idyll. Everything was fine, then it started. HER arrival from work meant that there would be a scandal. My son was already a teenager and understood everything, we did not talk about this topic, he did not interfere, but there was a feeling that he regretted that I was living with this woman. My daughter ran, frolicked, raged, made everyone laugh with her infectious laugh until a certain hour, knowing that she would come soon. My daughter began to walk everywhere, wherever I went around the room to sit next to me, she just waited for her own mother and knew that there would be a scandal. She loved me so much, I felt how worried and nervous she was. I myself did not understand why you could find fault with me, But there was a nitpick, as she said. I got it with my women. And everywhere, everywhere there were women. I stopped going to the garage where we used to gather with friends, played chess, drank beer, although I don’t drink beer, but it was not about beer, but about communication. In general, she began to come to work and make scandals there, I was ashamed and it’s not convenient, I couldn’t find a place for myself. I worked as the head of the section, and it’s okay when the men laugh there, well, what doesn’t happen in life, but you can’t close the mouth of women with a seeing-off look, a sly smile, they whisper behind their backs, gossip is born in one word was in the spotlight. Then it turned out that I didn’t earn much, but we don’t have a Moscow salary in the region, but by our local standards, the salary was quite decent. We talked a lot, but still a scandal then violent sex)). Did I even say that maybe scandal excites you? as far as sex issues and claims were concerned, it suited both of us. With friends, when we were going without wives in the garage, we started talking about who does their marital duty), I turned out to be a record holder because I only loved my woman. I left my job and got a job, as they say, where there is more, but there I had to go on a business trip to another city. One day I came back from a business trip and saw that my son was gone and his things too. He packed his things and left for his grandmother (these are my parents), but how is it and the school? .then it turned out that he took the documents from the school and transferred to another school in the area before his grandmother. Why did he do this, there was no answer, everyone said that he decided so himself. My son told me the same thing. We have a small city to hide something will not work. Well, of course, we found out that she had a young man 7 years younger. She is now 37. Then my sister told me why my son left, he made a remark to her that he didn’t like how you see yourself. HE began to interfere and witnessed unnecessary things and she asked him to leave. And I'm a fool, I come, I make golden gifts, I pay a loan, and here there it is. the last visit was out of the cup of patience, my mother-in-law just arrived, they set the table, they were waiting for me. I arrived for a swim then drawings, gymnastics showed me trying to teach me English)), she was already 7 years old then. Dinner came, they ate. The daughter never left me, her Mother (that is, my beloved) began to resent her daughter and sent her to the room, in the end they had a fight and a couple of claps on the neck the child was sent to the room where she cried for a long time and it didn’t stop. My soul couldn’t stand it, I went to calm it down and explained that the child understood everything well, it was a mistake, my beloved made a scandal that I was preventing her from raising the child properly and so that I didn’t climb, take care of your son. And then there was a number ..., My daughter left the room, hugged me and asked me and her grandmother (my beloved mother) to take her to work with me that she did not want to live with her since she often stays at home at night, they do their homework late and for that she gets, and she doesn't like Dima who comes late at night and sleeps in dad's room. Hearing what was said, Tea didn’t help me anymore, I don’t know if they noticed or not, but it felt like my lips were trembling and my forehead was throbbing. For some reason, I didn’t say anything, I just silently began to go out into the street. The daughter realized that I was leaving and began to cry, the mother-in-law gathered her daughter and also went out into the street. Mother-in-law asked only one question? - Where are you now? I said to my cousin, I'll spend the night in the morning, I'll go see my parents with my son, and I'll go to work. Mom was categorically against it and insisted that I go to her place and spend the night reassuring Sasha (Docha), and then we'll see. Well, of course, I could not take Docha, I had no rights either biologically or legally. We didn’t talk about anything with my mother-in-law, she just said, “I told you like she was not grateful. I felt very bad, I can’t describe it. I went to work, but of course I came and visited Docha, my mother-in-law took her to her when I came and we saw each other there. Half a year has passed), during these half a year my beloved times made themselves felt with their calls, then the calls became frequent and I was looking for meetings to talk, it was just an occasion for Easter. I arrived, met a lot, said again, the same innocent smile, thin voice, an apology, let's go together, let's try. I didn’t answer anything, but simply offered to go to Lermontov’s places to relax. Her sister, mother-in-law, just arrived, in general, the whole crowd went. I won’t hide it, I felt very good there with her, children, laughter, sex, it’s just that there wasn’t anything bad, I began to think, well, what doesn’t happen in life ... at the end of the rest, I began to notice that she was hiding and talking to someone or correspond by phone. I asked one question?. - Are you worried about someone? Can you explain to me that you don’t need to bother. To which the answer was given, I don’t need to worry about anything. IT was a blow below the belt, no, it was a blow to the back. It turned out I was needed to face off with her young suitors. he doesn’t like her gray hair company, beer, go for a walk. they bring him drunk to her late at night, and who? the girls are driving). So she got tired and she told him that she would not find anyone either, to which he laughed. for him to return. I will not say how much dirt there was during the conversation, but I was furious, humiliated and insulted. I’m not ideal, I have my shortcomings, but I didn’t deserve such an appeal to me, after what I did for her, let her remember how she lived. I was left with nothing, sold the car to pay off the loan that we took on furniture and others. See, everything is left with her, I suggested that they pay with their boyfriend, see, they live there, I have more to do with it. It would be better if I then took a mortgage, I would have already paid off and spoiled my housing. They grew up, melted, but it was possible at least with respect like that, and not a second blow in the back. You know, dear ladies, when she did something bad for the first time, it hurt me, it’s bad, it’s insulting, but tolerably life goes on (the best medicine is work).,., But the second time it broke me for some reason., no no, I didn’t drink, I didn’t drinking, or walking. It’s just that everything in my head prevented me from working and I didn’t want to do everything else, so I worked for a year in a foreign city. I quit, sadness and sadness did not go away, and then I realized that this was a stressful state. So I spent a year without work for a little while I came to my senses and again realized that life goes on with my son and I need to help him. I threw in my resume to find a job, I’ll go to Moscow, it’s hard for us to work here. I will work, I will correct not a lot of things in Moscow, two sisters of a Muscovite, as they say, created personalities do not depend on anyone. That's the whole story, my dear girls, can you think and ask yourself a question ?. maybe we ourselves did something wrong ... Personally, I have no answer to this question. Aaa Sasha Docha, you are probably interested to know how she is there., Sasha Docha is now 9 years old, we keep in touch really secretly. I don't keep in touch with my ex and I don't want to see her.

Discord in family life is not uncommon, and, unfortunately, discord between spouses, in the worst case, can lead to divorce. Once in a similar situation, it will not be superfluous for the representatives of the weaker sex to acquire information on how to survive a divorce from her husband, and what experts think about this. The advice of psychologists can provide real help to a woman who still loves her husband, but has lost faith in a brighter future.

What not to do after a divorce

At the initial stage after a divorce, a woman is in a state of acute despair, she is tormented by fear, guilt, anger and other destructive emotions. The crisis may be replaced by apathy, unwillingness to do anything in general. At this point, it is very easy to lose yourself and lose interest in life. It will be quite difficult to return the brightness of the perception of the outside world.

Therefore, it is very important to prevent the pathological state of depression, and for this it is necessary to exclude the following actions and desires by all means:

Seek contact with your ex-husband. After a breakup, many women try to glue the broken bowl together in every possible way - they call, write letters and sms, find out the reason for the breakup, persuade them to a meeting where they once again try to change the man’s decision. Such actions most often cause irritation in the opposite side. A woman, on the other hand, is in a rather humiliating position when she tries to pursue a man, thereby lowering her self-esteem with her own hands.
Take antidepressants. Such drugs will not help cure mental pain, but will only create the appearance of an improved state, and then only for the period of taking the remedy. If you suffer from insomnia and can not cope with the nerves, you can try sedative herbal medicines.
Shut yourself in and be alone all the time. Of course, you can and even need to be alone for some time, but it is unacceptable to completely exclude communication with relatives and friends.
Drinking alcohol. Drinking alcohol may help to move away from experiences for a while, but after its effect disappears, mental pain will most likely flare up with renewed vigor. In addition, the private use of alcohol is fraught with side diseases, so it is better to exclude its presence in life altogether.

Many women try to calm the pain through the “wedge by wedge” method, in other words, to find a new companion or admirer as soon as possible. Any psychologist will tell you that this is not recommended. The fleeting romance is likely to be very brief, and after it ends, the woman will again feel devastated, which again plunges her into depression, probably deeper than before.

In order to survive a divorce, especially if you still have strong feelings for your ex-husband, you should first of all understand that what happened is not the end of life and try to psychologically separate yourself from the person who is no longer around.

Psychologists, in turn, offer a rough plan of what you should pay attention to, what to do in order to quickly realize yourself as a separate person, worthy of a prosperous and happy life.

Get rid of negative emotions

In no case should you keep resentment, pain and other negative emotions in yourself. They should be given a way out, especially in the first days and weeks after a divorce. It is necessary to allow yourself to cry with the understanding that there is nothing wrong with it. This is not weakness, but the ability to feel.

When slightly different emotions arise, for example, hatred for an ex-husband, they should also be given an outlet. A very simple technique recommended by all practicing psychologists is suitable for this.

You will need to take a sheet of paper and describe in detail everything that torments. The text can begin with the phrase "I am offended by the fact that ...". It is useful after a while to re-read what is written aloud, pronouncing and realizing each word. Another tip is to burn the sheet with emotions splashed on it.

If you don’t feel like writing, you can call a good friend, girlfriend, loved one. Someone who really wants to help and just express his thoughts and feelings.

Limit contact with your ex-husband

It is important to stop or minimize all contacts with your ex-husband, at least for the first time. It is also worth giving him all his things as quickly as possible, and hiding joint photos and his gifts in a distant drawer. You should not engage in monitoring social networks, every minute looking at the page of a former man or asking mutual friends what is happening in his life.

If relatives or friends are trying to draw into a discussion about an undeveloped family life or tell another gossip, this should be crossed in the bud. It is necessary to make it clear that the past is left behind and what is happening now with the former man is only his life, and in no way interests the woman herself.

If there are children in the family, it is best to reduce communication to a question regarding their future life and well-being.

Forgive and understand that the relationship has come to an end

Many women long after a divorce hope for the return of a loved one, not accepting the fact that the relationship is no more. This is considered a destructive direction, contributing to the self-destruction of a wounded and injured female soul. Therefore, the most important moment is forgiveness and acceptance of the situation of divorce.

You should understand that everything is already in the past and try to forgive all the sins of your beloved husband. Do not forget about the moment of forgiving yourself and getting rid of guilt. It is necessary to recognize the moment that in strife, both are always wrong and in no case can the blame for a divorce lie with one person.

Diversify pastime

Keeping yourself fully occupied and eliminating the presence of a lot of free time is one of the most popular ways to get through a divorce with your loved one as easily as possible. The deeper you go headlong into any business, the less time is left for experiences.

It is important to actively communicate with friends, relatives, help them in something and accept their support, not refuse to take part in events and celebrations.

The most popular ways to unwind are the following options:

Redevelopment of the apartment where the ex-husband lived or rearrangement of furniture in it and cosmetic repairs.
A hobby or the fulfillment of a long-standing desire is dancing, learning a language, skydiving, traveling to distant countries where you have long wanted to visit, and so on.
Work as a volunteer to care for sick children, pensioners. The suffering of others clearly shows the insignificance of one's own experiences, and helping one's neighbor is in itself a good deed and has a healing effect on any soul.

In other words, new emotions and impressions allow a person to feel real joy from being in this world. At such moments, the understanding comes that life, it turns out, has not ended and there is a lot of interesting things in it.

Take care of your appearance

During a period of acute experiences, a woman tends to stop caring for herself, which in turn adversely affects self-esteem. You should force yourself to use your favorite cosmetics, great options would be to sign up for a gym, yoga, change your hairstyle or hair color, update your wardrobe.

As soon as the outer side begins to change, or rather, recover, and the woman begins to notice looks on herself, hear compliments, and she herself sees herself renewed in the mirror, self-esteem will instantly jump up, and thoughts about former love will become weaker and weaker.

Final stage: conclusions

As soon as the condition improves and the ability to think rationally returns, you should take a sheet of paper and describe all the pros and cons of what happened. For example, that the appearance of a large amount of free time gives a woman the opportunity to take care of herself, to develop in what is interesting, whereas earlier this time could be spent on solving her husband's problems or domestic issues.

It is also necessary to analyze what was wrong in family life and when the moment of the beginning of the end came. Analysis of errors reduces the risk of their repetition in the future. In addition, a detailed analysis will help a woman grow spiritually and realize that only a self-sufficient person, as she is, is able to accept what happened, understand the nuances of what happened and let go of the past.

On the divorce video

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most painful experiences in a woman's life. If a man is still loved, then the pain of parting can be doubly stronger. The main thing in a state of crisis is to try to pull yourself together and remember that a bad period will end sooner or later. After all, in fact, life goes on and what happened is just an impetus to something much better.

Changes in life. How versatile is this concept? Some we take with joy, some we take for granted. But there is a certain category of changes that we would like to avoid.

A divorce from a loved one or even a once loved one is a difficult stage in life, which is worthy to go through with minimal losses and come out of it renewed, not broken, difficult and, it seems, sometimes impossible, but quite a real thing.

Let's talk about how to survive a divorce from your beloved husband without losing yourself, learn how to build a new life, restore peace of mind, believe again that life is beautiful, and you will be happy again.

The Psychology of a Broken Marriage

Even yesterday, it would seem, the March of Mendelssohn sounded, you, lovers, accepted congratulations and kissed under the incessant cries of “Bitter!”. And now, after some time, you look back and do not understand how it happened that you became strangers to each other.

There are no common topics for conversation, joint family evenings do not please, but burden, dissatisfaction with each other grows like a snowball, and the gap between you widens every day.

And as the classic noted: "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." The reasons for divorce are so varied that it makes no sense to list them.

However, the most common are:

psychological incompatibility of spouses. In the wake of passion and emotions, we often draw for ourselves the image of an ideal partner and put this image on our future spouse like a kind of cloak, absolutely not thinking about whether it suits him? Is he comfortable in it? Doesn't this cloak hide the man himself? And having “drawn” a beautiful picture for ourselves, we are surprised, after a year, and some even five years, to find that the person with whom we live is not at all like the created and idealized image.

And here it all depends on the desire to see a person as he is, to accept him with all his shortcomings, quirks or features, to find compromises and be able to negotiate.

Appreciate each other and get to know again, and love this "old" person new to you. And believe me, every couple goes through this stage. And not for everyone it becomes fatal. This is more the exception than the norm.

However, if the passion has passed, and deep love, tenderness, friendship, mutual respect did not come in its place, but only the question remains: “What am I actually doing next to this person”, such a couple will inevitably face a divorce.

spouse's dependence(alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, etc.). A very difficult situation. A divorce from an alcoholic, a drug addict requires a woman's determination, wisdom and strength. Very often, the spouses of dependent husbands are sick no less than half of them. And the name of their disease is codependency. Dealing with it alone is sometimes an impossible task.
domestic violence. Beats means loves? A huge stupidity that women repeat like a kind of mantra, trying to find an excuse. No. Not the one who hits. Yourself. The one who is patient and forgiving. Cries, treats bruises, lies at work. And once again forgives. Once again. And one more thing... And finally finds the strength to break the heaviest chains and literally "break free."
treason. Pain, betrayal, the collapse of faith in everything around ... And the understanding that it is impossible to forgive ... Or, even worse, they do not ask for forgiveness ... Perhaps the most difficult option. Heavy with its suddenness, the deafening truth about yesterday, a close and dear person ...
inability to have children. Or the unwillingness of one of the partners to have a child. A fairly common reason for divorce. Quite outwardly prosperous families break up.

The list, of course, is far from complete. Yes, we do not set ourselves the task of classifying and categorizing ... What to do, how to help ourselves? For you - the recommendations of a practicing psychologist.

Recovery stages

Everything has already happened. Yesterday you were preparing a family dinner, and today ...

Pain

Despair rolls over, mixed with terrible resentment, bitterness, and acute self-pity. It seems that life is over, or at least has lost all meaning. The usual way of life is collapsing, roles, goals, tasks are changing. A huge burden of new responsibility appears, which only yesterday lay on his broad shoulders. And the tears have already dried up, and the soul is a bleeding wound.

Familiar? Believe me, most women who have survived a breakup with a regular partner experience similar feelings. Some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent. Much depends on the reason for the divorce, and the one who initiated it, but in any case, the first time after the divorce is the most difficult psychologically.

It is precisely because the usual way of life is collapsing, and in the event of parting with her beloved husband, the most difficult feeling of loss is superimposed.

What to do if you love, but he left? There is probably no single advice on how to get through this difficult period of your life easier. However, there are several practical techniques that help restore lost peace of mind.

Don't push the pain deep. Do not play the role of "iron lady". Or at least don't play it in front of yourself. Feel, cry, throw out all the emotions.

Shout out. Beat the dishes, finally. Give yourself the opportunity to throw out all that is raging in the soul.

But you don’t have to go in circles: you cried, calmed down, thought, felt sorry for yourself, cried, calmed down, and so on. Enough of one cycle, but from the heart! Wash off with cold water. Put on your sunglasses to hide your teary eyes, put on a baseball cap and go outside.

You definitely need to walk. At a fast pace. Better of course - along the forest belt, the shore of the reservoir, in the park. But not everyone has this opportunity. The walk is at least an hour or two. Walk until you are physically tired. In the meantime, take a look at the nearest stationery department. Buy paper and paints. Any, but preferably gouache.

Arriving home, take a shower, better contrast. Standing under jets of water, try to imagine how it washes away from you, physically, all the pain and negativity. Imagine it as a layer of dust, dirt, paint on your body. Visualize your pain. And look how she leaves with the streams of water. You are being cleansed. After getting out of the shower, take paints, whatman paper and try to convey in color what is in your soul.

You don't need to be able to draw. Do everything intuitively. You can use brushes, or cotton sponges, or your fingers. Anything that comes to your mind. And get it all down on paper. Until desolation.

And depending on what emotions your drawing evokes in you, either burn it (if there is pain, fear, resentment) or save it (if you were able to convey something bright and positive - peace, forgiveness, resurgent harmony).

This is a simple exercise. But very effective. Sobbing for days, reveling in self-pity is a dead end. Find strength in yourself. Help yourself. If it doesn't work, seek professional help.

The faster you go through this segment of the path, which, believe me, everyone who has known what divorce is, the better. For you, your children, loved ones, parents. The road will be mastered by the walking one.

This is where you build your new life. Take the first step, don't sit in the dust by the roadside, reveling in self-pity.

Adaptation

Oh, but life is not over! That is the conclusion you will come to. Sooner or later, you will come. And this very life dictates daily rules. It is filled with obligatory chores and duties that no one except you will fulfill. And it turns out that you can do it quite well.

And one day, another, a week, a month... And you can already fully think about what happened and not suffocate from the pain. No, it still hurts, of course, but already abstractly, and the further it goes, the easier it is ... This is an adaptation to the new realities of life. You are on the right track! Keep it up!

Video: How to forget a loved one

Psychologist's advice

You are well done. True, well done! Look around you. The world hasn't changed, has it? Birds chirp in the same way, the sun rises, a small kitten plays with a bow. Children laugh, old people grumble, boss, well, boss. He hasn't changed either. Welcome to new life! Learn to see the good, it is. And don't wait for tomorrow to come and everything will change. Change today.

Take a bright, colorful, beautiful notepad. Better new. The most beautiful you can find. It is a beautiful, positive, and not a business organizer.

And every day, write down 10 good things that happened to you today.

Believe me, when you begin to analyze, you will see that there is a lot of good in life - even if it is very, very bad in your soul, just allow yourself to notice the good around you! And don't neglect keeping a Good Things Diary. Again, visualize your desires.

Create a dream collage. Stick clippings from magazines, pictures from the Internet, symbolizing for you your most cherished desires, on a sheet of drawing paper.

The ones you really want to achieve and look forward to. Let in your opinion unrealizable. Do not limit fate! Give her a chance to fulfill your wishes!

cure

Next stage. Congratulations! You are at the finish line. You fully understand that the best doctor is time. And life is really not over! And what did it seem to you that everything, further and there is no need to live? Well, right, stupidity then froze. And they still doubted that everything passes, this too will pass! In vain. You have to believe in yourself.

The only advice. Do not rush into all serious. Do not try to show the “former” that everything is fine with you: your career, new shoes (or car, who knows), and your friend is a hundred times better, and so on and so forth. No need. Let go. Live for yourself, your children.

Don't compete with anyone. Don't prove anything to anyone. You are still the best, worthy, beautiful, smart, etc. Do what you love, find a hobby, spend more time with your family. Live life to the fullest!

Normalization

Was it a boy? Everything is behind! New life, new relationship (or not, it doesn't matter). A new experience, albeit difficult, but yours. You survived, you managed, you didn't break! You are worthy of admiration!

Psychologists advise not to plan a serious relationship until this stage is reached. This does not mean that new connections should be avoided. No. But it’s not worth planning how your children will be called, the dog, and what you will plant in the country in old age. Don't rush things!

Painless Solutions

It is during this period that you can make balanced, sober decisions about your life, the future of yours and your children, and relationships with the “former” for a long time. Wisdom, multiplied by experience, will help you find a way out of any situation!

stereotypes

Have you faced the fact that society has a negative attitude towards a woman after a divorce? And what caused this negative attitude in your soul? We are influenced by stereotypes, sometimes we simply become slaves to someone else's judgment and opinion. “A child needs a father, albeit a bad one, but dear”, “He beats, it means he loves”, “Yes, who after a divorce needs me with two children”, “The world belongs to men”, etc. and so on. Familiar, right?

But earlier, as everyone knows, the woman kept the fire in the hearth, and the man went hunting. The world has changed. Take a look around! Discard these archaic judgments. Don't let other people's opinions control you! You are a self-sufficient, confident, beautiful, successful woman!

Be proud of yourself and don't listen to the angry hiss behind you. As another notorious character said - the charismatic and unique Rhett Butler in the novel "Gone with the Wind": "The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on"!

Emotional dependency

Yes, a fairly common problem. Its roots lie in uncertainty, inability to make decisions, the desire to shift responsibility onto shoulders more adapted for this. There's nothing you can do, you'll have to deal with it.

Psychologist's advice

Here, perhaps, is the case when professional help is indispensable. Group or individual therapy will help to cope with the problem.

Change of life rhythm

Nothing can be done, a new life dictates new conditions. The pace of life is also changing. And you know, you should like the changes. More time for yourself, children, favorite activities. There is no need to report and justify.

Gatherings with girlfriends or shopping, a walk in the forest or doing what you love - everything that you didn’t have enough time for before has become available to you!

Enjoy and don't look for reasons to be sad! No one to cook dinner for? Very well! Fill the tub with hot water, light the candles, turn on the music and relax!

material problems

Perhaps there will be some. Not excluded. Surviving the breakup of a marriage painlessly is great. And let this serve as an additional incentive for self-development, the search for new ways to earn money, the development of new specialties, and advanced training. And at first, it’s quite possible to find a small part-time job - on the Internet, master joint purchases, sit with a neighbor’s child, bake to order, sew.

After 50

Surviving a divorce from a husband after 50 years is not an easy task. The children grew up, everyone has their own interests, and the husband decided that he was leaving "into a new, happy life." How to be? Gather and find the strength to let go. Find something interesting for yourself, turn to children for support. To do what you dreamed about all your life, and for which there was not enough time.

If there is a child

Don't be led by emotions. Do not turn the child against the father. A kid (or teenager) should not choose whom to love - mom or dad. Let the father see the child. Be wise.

With an alcoholic husband

Do not carry the burden of responsibility for it. Understand that you are not responsible for him, but for the children, for yourself. If a person does not want to change, and in this case - to be treated, do not ruin your life

During pregnancy

Your main task at the moment is to endure and give birth to a healthy child. everything else is secondary. Healthy selfishness in this situation is necessary. If it's really hard, seek professional help. And remember that all your experiences are reflected in the baby in one way or another.

If he went to another

Let go. Do not compare and do not look for flaws in yourself. Just accept it as a fact that this is not your person. Yours is ahead. And to keep by force, appealing to a sense of duty, the years lived together, to the paternal instinct is useless. You will destroy yourself, but you can be happy. Not with him, with someone else. But happy. Give yourself a chance! Let go.

With a tyrant

Only an emotionally flawed person will humiliate and torture his wife. Domestic violence is a scourge not only for the spouse, but also for children. Appreciate yourself. Run without looking back. Don't take the path of the victim.

If there are small children

The husband, albeit a former one, is obliged to participate in the maintenance of not only children, but also a disabled wife. If you have children, apply to the court with a statement of claim for the recovery of alimony for the maintenance of children and you until the children reach the age of three.

After 20 years of marriage

But life doesn't end. And you will still be happy. Necessarily. And if a person is not worthy of you, could not appreciate all those years lived together, and left, despite the many things that bind you, build your life anew. And let it be brighter, more interesting, warmer, more tender than the previous one. You are still young, beautiful, full of energy. Do not despair.

After 30 years of marriage

Very often, having married at an early age, devoting her whole life to the interests of her family, husband, children, having lived in marriage for a longer period of her life, a woman experiencing a separation from her husband after 30 years of marriage is completely disoriented. Way of life, habits, lifestyle - absolutely everything changes in one moment.

The main task of a woman in such a situation is to realize that that stage of life is over. A new, rich and interesting begins. The children are adults, she is wise and still interesting, but already able to understand people, she can not only be happy, but also be realized in those areas that were previously inaccessible to her.

The main thing is not to give yourself a minute of free time. Work, hobbies, meetings with friends, creativity, outdoor activities in the company of children or old, trusted friends - fill your life.

In no case do not become a victim. It is not given to us to predict what the coming day is preparing for us! And perhaps it is parting with your husband that will allow you to open up in a new way, find harmony, love, care in other, completely new relationships!

After the betrayal

If there is no possibility and internal reserves for forgiveness, leave. But don't program yourself for further failure. Believe me, not all men are the same. And once having experienced betrayal, you will be happy with the man who will appreciate you.

We hope that the above tips will help you survive in a difficult situation, find the strength to look at life from a different angle, emerge victorious and build a new, happy life. Do not get embittered, remain gentle, feminine, open. Be happy!

What could be more beautiful than a big bright wedding celebration for a young girl? Almost everyone dreams of her and chooses her husband out of great love. But often the euphoria from the wedding and the first joint years of life is replaced by depressing feelings from the end of the relationship. Unfortunately, now in Russia more than half of all families break up, there are many reasons, everyone has their own. Attitudes towards building a family have fundamentally changed in recent years. Now people do not try to save the family, now it is easier to get a divorce. This is a feature of modern society and the thinking of modern people. But what to do if it turned out to be easier for your spouse to divorce than to save the marriage?

Divorce for a woman is a very serious test, it is much more difficult for her than for a man. This is due to the emotional characteristics of women, and socio-economic conditions. Indeed, often a woman is left not just alone, but with a child in her arms, sometimes small. And during the years of the decree, she could lose her job or become a less sought-after specialist. The woman's condition is aggravated by the fact that the child also needs to somehow explain the departure of the father, help him survive it. Children can even start to get sick, not coping with stress. If, in addition to all this, a woman meets with condemnation from relatives, friends, then you can really slide into depression. What to do? How can you help yourself get through a divorce?

How can a woman survive a divorce?

It is worth noting that there can be two options for divorce for a woman. In the first version, the woman no longer has tender feelings for her husband. In the second, on the contrary, the husband is the initiator, and the woman continues to love him and therefore suffers a lot. In the first case, the difficulties are in resolving all divorce proceedings without loss for oneself (the division of property, for example) and building one's life and relationships with relatives in a new way. This is sometimes difficult to do. Divorce can be very difficult for a child. And the woman has to make an effort to help him survive this. Relationships with relatives, especially on the part of the husband, may also deteriorate. You also need to learn how to live alone - to solve “male” issues on your own, reorganize your life, change your schedule (for example, before the husband took the child from the kindergarten, and now the woman will have to do it).

It is even more difficult for women whose feelings for their spouse have not cooled down. Moreover, very often the husband leaves not just like that, but to another woman. And this is a serious blow to the self-esteem and feelings of a woman.

What to do if the husband left

A woman abandoned by a man is very vulnerable. Feeling of worthlessness, resentment, anger, depression, apathy… The range of emotions is very wide. But let's think about this. After all, when a man leaves for another, it does not happen in one day. Apparently, he had already met her before. And even earlier they had a mutual sympathy. A woman going through a divorce should think about it carefully. That is, her husband's infidelity stretches from the distant past. This means that those ideal relationships that a woman cries for are no longer there. So is it worth it to cry? It is much more reasonable to admit that the relationship has long cracked. Very often, a woman just needs to start remembering, and it turns out that past feelings have long cooled down, that they no longer spent time together, and there were more and more disputes, quarrels, and misunderstandings every month. It's very sobering. After all, many women during the period of divorce grieve and remember those times when the relationship was deep, and love was ardent. It turns out that this is long gone.

Often, consciously distancing yourself from your ex-husband can help a woman cope with a divorce. You just need to decide that this person is no longer in your life. You can get rid of things that remind you of him, from joint photos and videos, from everything that can remind you of his existence and life together. You should also not seek meetings with this man or find out from other people how he is doing. If someone in your environment starts a conversation about an ex-husband, you can ask not to do this in your presence. People will be sympathetic to your request.

But, as you know, the Universe does not like emptiness. Therefore, it is necessary to occupy your time and thoughts with something. It's time to get on with your life. This does not mean that it is necessary to find a replacement for her husband as soon as possible. No, on the contrary, psychologists warn us that starting a relationship too quickly will not bring the desired happiness. But rather, on the contrary, there is a high probability of a break, which means new heart torments. Better focus on yourself.

A woman just needs to do interesting and enjoyable things, delve into her hobby, take care of her image, maybe go to fitness, yoga, some courses. Fortunately, you now have time for this! But to spend all the time at work, in order to be distracted is not worth it. This method works well for men. It is completely unsuitable for women. Excessive workload will only exacerbate the condition of a woman due to high levels of cortisol, which is an indispensable companion of high workloads.

The best solution would be to do something new and interesting. A new hobby may be associated with unusual bodily experiences. This may be a sport that you have not known before, dance, yoga, strength training, classes in body-oriented therapy groups. The benefit of such activities is that they help to release negative emotions. When emotions are blocked, they can linger in the body. From this, a woman can start to get sick, wither, look worse. Active physical exercises will help to avoid this.

Another good way is active communication. Remember gatherings with friends, attend various events, clubs of interest. Meet new people, it will enliven your life, give it colors. In addition, it will help you fill the existing emotional vacuum. Any woman needs close communication, a sense of support and understanding. In long sincere conversations there is a healing power for the weaker sex.

A very good way to take your mind off divorce and significantly improve the quality of your life for a woman is to take care of her appearance. Just the perfect time for a change. Change haircut, hair color, go to make-up courses, change wardrobe. These are very enjoyable and rewarding activities. So a woman not only increases the level of the hormone of joy in her body, but also significantly increases her self-esteem. Perhaps before you simply did not have time for this, because there were more household chores and troubles. It's time to take advantage of freedom.

And another amazing way to not only survive a divorce, but also, perhaps, radically change your whole life is to do what you love. You may have lacked time or self-confidence before. Maybe even your ex-husband supported this insecurity in you. And you were afraid of failure or that there would not be enough time. Right now. Remember what you like to do? What old hobby have you abandoned? Start doing what you love, and your life will sparkle with new colors.

In general, fill your life with something new and unknown. And give yourself more pleasure. Sometimes you can treat yourself to delicious dishes in a restaurant, sometimes you can listen to music at full volume, lose yourself in a crazy dance and lie in bed all day.

How can I help my child cope with a parent's divorce?

Divorce itself is already terrible for a woman. No matter what a woman does, sometimes emotions overwhelm her. This unbearable cocktail of emotions from resentment and hatred, anger and bitterness, feelings of hopelessness and apathy, seasoned with self-pity and a sense of one's own inferiority. The usual way of life has collapsed, the new one has not yet settled down, the responsibility has doubled, there are also things to do, there is no help.

How not to destroy yourself and at the same time help the person who is dependent on you also cope with this shock? For a child, the divorce of parents is a very serious test. If he is still small, he does not understand at all what has happened. It is unthinkable for him that mom and dad can not be together. Often unconsciously, children feel guilty for what happened. It seems to them that it is they who are to blame for the divorce of their parents, that they were guilty of something, and therefore dad left.

It will be a mistake to try to hide from the child the true reasons that dad does not live in the family now. You should not invent fairy tales about sailors and astronauts. Children are very sensitive to the atmosphere, they will feel the lie, and the situation will only get worse. Moreover, you can lose the trust of the child. It is best to talk honestly with the child, tell him in an accessible language why dad will now live separately. No matter how small the child is, it is worth trying to explain the situation, while emphasizing that the parents continue to love him just as much, they just cannot be together for some reason. This conversation is best organized so that both parents participate.

In addition, the mother should be very attentive to the emerging emotions of the child. He can be sad, angry, can fall into apathy towards everything. Here it is very important to notice and help the baby to live these emotions in time. You need to talk to your child about this. Ask older children, show understanding, sympathy. You shouldn't pretend to be a victim and blame the child's father for everything, you also can't forbid the child to grieve, be bored, and even more so continue to love dad. After all, it was you who divorced your husband, this is your relationship, they should not extend to children. The child has the right to have any feelings for the father.

If the child is small, he cannot yet be fully aware of his emotional experiences, much less talk about them. In this case, you need to be even more attentive - to notice these experiences and pronounce them to the child. “I know you miss your dad. I am also very sad ”- such a phrase can be a signal for the child that his feelings are understood and accepted. Do not try to help the child forget, suppressing emotions will not lead to anything good. You need to help your child deal with his emotions. Be there, support, show your love.

Never speak badly about your husband in the presence of children, do not discuss your situation, do not complain. Your ex-husband remains a father to them, and it is very important to maintain a good relationship between them. If your spouse is determined to maintain active communication with children, you should only encourage this. If it’s still difficult for you to receive him at home, ask him to arrange meetings with children on his territory or take them for a walk, to the park, cinema, pizzeria, etc. As time passes, it will become easier for you to endure his presence.

A break with a loved one, the departure of a husband from a family is considered a very serious test in a woman's life. Experts warn that there is a high probability of slipping into a depressive state, a way out of which will need to be sought with a professional. What to do to prevent this from happening?

As you know, time heals. But before recovery, this time must be somehow experienced. Psychologists say that a person can cope with any test if he sees the meaning and purpose of further existence. Therefore, it is very important to set this goal for yourself - to become happy. No matter what happens, no matter how hard it is, a woman must keep this goal in front of her and move on.

At the same time, you need to decide to get rid of all the negativity that managed to accumulate during the period of divorce. To start life from scratch, you need to throw out unnecessary emotional garbage from the heart. There is no need to hide your emotions, withdraw into yourself, pretend that everything is fine, this can only make it worse - devaluing your own experiences, you seem to be saying to yourself, “You are not important.” Your emotions are a natural part of you, even if they are negative. You just need to know how to live them correctly so that you can free yourself and not harm others (for example, children). There can be many ways - from beating dishes and "crying into a vest" of a friend to classes in special psychotherapeutic groups. In this case, art therapy classes are very helpful - drawing, modeling, and so on. If you feel that you cannot cope alone, feel free to ask for help - from relatives and friends, from friends, and in some cases you cannot do without the help of a specialist. And there is nothing shameful in this. When we have a toothache, we go to the dentist. When our soul hurts, we go to a psychologist.

But usually, all the same, simple sincere communication with loved ones is enough. And it is not at all necessary that this communication should be related to the topic of divorce. Just spending time together, family weekends, country trips, common holidays - all this will help to feel support and love. Most importantly, do not hide like a snail in your shell. There is no way out of it. Divorce is not a sentence. It's just a phase of your life. Yes, difficult, yes unpleasant. But after passing through this stage, prospects that have never been seen before may open before you.

Probably the most difficult but most effective thing a woman can do in a relationship breakup is to forgive and let go. Yes, it may seem strange, impossible, and even outrageous. But, believe me, you need it first of all. To free your soul from suffering, you need to forgive. Just remember all those pleasant moments of your life together, all those positive emotions, that strong love and crazy dates, those things that your husband did for you. Mentally thank him for this, because he gave you joy. Give thanks and let go. After all, only a heart free from anger and hatred can be open to new love.

As soon as your heart is freed from resentment and worries, the path to it will be open. It has already been said above that you should not immediately look for a replacement for your ex-spouse. But you should not close this opportunity for yourself. After all, a happy close relationship is the need of any woman. And every woman has a right to it. You have another chance to build an ideal relationship with a man. Start dreaming about what it will be like. After all, thoughts tend to materialize. Devote time to studying the intricacies of the relationship of opposite sexes, read books, listen to lectures. And most importantly, do not close yourself off from the outside world. Visit interesting places, agree to spend time with friends, walk more. After all, your chosen one is unlikely to come to your home. So do not close yourself from the opportunities that this world gives us. And you will succeed!