Psychological consultation: how to start a conversation with a man about joint children

Sometimes life "without a stamp in the passport" becomes so familiar to the stronger sex that going to the registry office turns into an unattainable dream for a common-law wife. How to smoothly bring a man to the wedding, AiF.ru learned from psychologist Yulia Kuzmina.

Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Yulia, if people live in a civil marriage for more than two years, what is the probability that their life together will end in an official marriage?

Yulia Kuzmina: If we take world experience, 2 years is a kind of test, although 2 years in our conditions is the time when it is already worth talking about a specific date, because the relationship will then begin to burn out. When 3-4 years of civil marriage have passed, the relationship moves to a fairly everyday level, because both falling in love and love have their own certain periods. And during this period, the wedding is better to take place. Otherwise, then the curve goes down. Therefore, do not put off your desire to get married.

N.K., AiF.ru: Many girls would be happy not to put off marriage for a long time, but what if you are not offered to become a wife?

Yu.K.: Marriage is often not called by those who have a strong desire to take place. Often these are men under 30 years old. He wants some independence. Wants to do everything himself. But at the same time, there are mistakes in his philosophy, and they are connected with the fact that a person should not first do business, and then save all other areas of life. You should talk to him about this. A lot of people said: “First I will make myself, get two educations, defend my dissertation, and then I will take care of my personal life.”

I really want to say: Dear ones, we have 8 main areas of life that need to be given equal attention. If you haven't thought about it yet, be sure to do it. If you are now only engaged in business, then you will not be engaged in improvement in your personal life, and after some time you will lose the skills of effective communications, intimate relationships with a loved one. If you work hard, then you will have health problems, excessive fatigue, irritability will appear. This will affect relationships and, of course, business too - vigilance in certain matters will be violated. If you do not engage in hobbies, hobbies, then after some time you will not have the resources to do your business.

I want to recommend to women that from now on they do not require men to devote more time to them than to business, but very smoothly, flexibly begin to level relationships and tell them about their needs, what you need and why.

N.K., AiF.ru: And if you want children, but your other half does not, is it still worth mentioning?

Yu.K.: Let's start with the fact that you need to understand what you want, what kind of relationship to build. Sit down and write about it. Paint everything as it will be - from him to me, from me to him. And then honestly answer another question - is it really possible to build all this with the man who is now next to you? The answer will not always be positive. But not because he is bad, but because we are all very different. A man most often tells the truth when he claims that he is not yet ready for a child. Be patient if you think this is your man. You can talk to him, tell him what kind of relationship you want, and ask if he wants the same. And listen to him carefully. Listening, do not try to think it over: here I will remake it, here I can develop some qualities. Be realistic, because a woman's time to give birth is rapidly shrinking. For men, this age is a little different. If a man says that he has completely different plans, you should start telling yourself the truth. If I want a child, then maybe I need another man.

N. K., AiF.ru: The topic of children is very delicate, how can you lead a man to such a conversation?

Yu.K.: Best of all, when it came to a conversation. It is not necessary to officially schedule a conversation on the topic of motherhood or marriage. Let's say you came to friends, they have a child, try to raise this topic. Your task is to first test the ground and understand the readiness of your loved one, his intentions. Baby, this is definitely an important step. At some point, when a man asks: “Why have you been highlighting this topic lately?”, The woman should take a breath and say on the exhale: “Because I want it.” It is very important for a woman to learn to speak easily and boldly about her most cherished desires. And do not be afraid that her man will answer. Perhaps he will even say one day: “Why were you silent? I also want this. I just thought you weren't ready." You need to follow some hints. I'm not saying that you need to buy a crib in the house and look at the reaction of your husband - no. There are plenty of places for kids to go. Go to the park at the moment when couples with children are walking there, and casually ask: “Oh, look, what a stroller. And if we have a baby, will we buy one? By the way he speaks, you will understand how this topic arouses feelings. If he says: “I haven’t thought about it yet”, then this topic is far from the first on his list, because he is counting money, counting his strength, his inner readiness. If a man quite easily speaks on this topic: “Yes, when else will we have it. Why think about it now? ”, Then, most likely, a man has a greater need for easy, short-term relationships. And then you have to make a choice - do you want to be close to such a man or do you deserve more.

I want to become a mother. Such an idea sooner or later appears in the head of every woman. And this is wonderful, because now you can rightfully be considered a fully accomplished person: you have grown to the most important task in your life. But is your husband ready for this? In this article, we have outlined tips on how to start such an important conversation with your soulmate.

Honesty and only honesty

First you need to honestly ask yourself: do you really want a baby who will become an inseparable part of your daily life in the future or is it just a momentary weakness caused by the moral pressure of relatives and friends? And only after you have given yourself a frank positive answer, you can start a conversation with your husband.

How to say?

To begin with, you must understand that your desire to have an heir must be articulated clearly and aloud. But to do it on the forehead - psychologists do not recommend. First you need to choose the right moment: when the husband is in the mood, not tired and not irritated. Having caught such an hour, for a start you can dream a little with your husband, for example, ask about the secrets of his childhood.

Try to ask your partner in more detail about whether his grandmother took him to solfeggio and who he dreamed of being in childhood ... Tell us about how you yourself were a member or captain of a volleyball team. Thus, the conversation will smoothly move to the stage of childhood, respectively, and to the topic of children. Next, carefully ask how many children he would like to have and when he sees the best time to plan for them.

Calm your spouse's worries

There may be several such concerns. The first - mom and baby will immediately sit on dad's neck. To reassure your husband, convince him that you are not going to be such a stone, that you will immediately go to work as soon as it becomes possible to send the baby to a nursery, or, for example, you will work at home.

The second fear of a man is your spoiled figure. Representatives of the stronger sex also often worry about this. Therefore, promise him immediately after giving birth to buy a subscription to the gym and go on a diet.

love for three

Very often, men whose partners tell them about the desire to have children begin to fear that they will suffer from a lack of love and attention from their soulmate. Therefore, immediately assure the man that he will be as important to you as before. Explain that you are ready to continue to give him love, respect, sex and help in all matters.

Helps women with children take the first step towards a new happiness - go on a date. And with those who were chosen by the children themselves. And how to act in life? After all, the comfort of the child is the main thing for the mother, but not everything always works out so that both the mother and her new companion, and the children, are satisfied with the changes in the family way of life.

How to bring a man into the house, introduce it to children and create comfort again? Is it worth it to listen to the opinion of the child completely, or is it impossible to indulge his whims? How to make sure that the appearance of a man does not affect the psyche of the child in the future, and the new partner finds a wonderful common language with them? Moms have a lot of questions. The situation is commented by an expert.

Yulia Vasilkina, psychologist, sociologist, author of books for parents

“Divorce is a difficult test for both spouses and their children. But time passed, emotions subsided, and there was a desire to find a new love. Relationships begin to develop, thoughts about the possibility of a new “happiness in personal life” appear, when suddenly an obstacle arises: mothers have to face opposition from their children.

Everyone suffers: both the woman and her new partner, and the children themselves. Mothers regularly turn to psychologists with questions: why is this happening and what to do in this difficult situation for everyone. Is the behavior of boys and girls different? Of course, there are certain features.

Boys 11-14 years old become very attached to their mother after a divorce, and the appearance of a new partner is perceived by them with hostility. Boys have a higher level of aggressiveness, and a surge in the production of the main male hormone testosterone at 11-13 years old (800 times higher than infancy) makes them even more conflicted.

They start to feel like "real men" and competition comes to the fore. This is why boys have such a hard time accepting their mothers' new partners: they see them as competitors.

Also, boys tend to solve any problems by way of escape. from them. Therefore, when a new man appears in the family, cigarettes, drugs disappear from morning to evening (or even until morning) on ​​the street. However, in adolescence, boys (as well as girls) have a period when they need an adult friend-mentor of the same sex as them, but not a parent. And if the mother's new partner manages to win the boy's trust, they can become real friends.

Girls are naturally much more adaptable., caring, finer feel the nuances, focused on the harmonization of relationships. This leaves less room for contention. They tend to adapt to whatever situation they find themselves in rather than react by running away like boys. Therefore, even if the daughter expresses negativism towards the mother's new partner, it is easier to negotiate with her than with the boy. Girls are also characterized by the fear of a "foreign" man, especially in adolescence.

However, these are only general trends. In each specific case, it can be completely different: an aggressive dominant girl is able to “run away” into alcohol, drugs, start studying poorly in order to draw her mother’s attention from her boyfriend to herself. There are also sensitive anxious boys going into illness.

Both boys and girls can be spoiled and be the "navel of the family", and there are no gender differences. Parents use both boys and girls as a buffer, trying to "pull" them to their side after a divorce. Mothers “revenge” their husbands by not allowing them to meet with their children, regardless of the gender of the children. And children, in turn, can take revenge by not accepting the mother's new partner.

Joint activities bring everyone together. If they are interesting to children, it is unlikely that tension will arise in the relationship. Photo: thinkstockphotos.com

Dating rules

“We have all heard about the importance of first impressions. As the saying goes, you can only make a first impression once. Therefore, it is important to properly introduce the child to a new partner. How to do it?

1. Tell your child in advance that you want to get married. Explain the benefits of being married. Answer all the child's questions.

2. If you meet a worthy person, talk about it with your child. Tell us what is interesting about this person, what attracted you to him. Tell this not to "ask permission" for the child to continue the relationship, but to inform.

3. If your relationship is developing, then periodically tell your child about this person. And tell the man more about your child too: let him know what an important place this little man occupies and

4. If you decide to introduce a new partner and your child, then according to your stories, they will already know each other in absentia. You will be able to predict the possible reaction of the child. If the child is negative, postpone the acquaintance for now.

5. Let the person who comes to the house bring a gift to the child, but not too expensive. It is better if the gift is in the interests of the child. If you have told your partner about the interests of the child, they will have something to talk about.

6. After getting to know each other, discuss with your child how it went. Answer all questions. If the reaction was negative - do not rush to scold and reproach. Think about what could be wrong here.

Many women are hesitant to enter into a new marriage (and even relationship), "protecting" the child. But remember that such a closed system as "mother-child" is pretty bad for his development. In such a system, the child often occupies a non-childish role at all.

A boy, for example, may be given the role of an adult man, and when it comes time for him to build his family, this may reflect badly on his relationship with his mother, who will consider herself "betrayed." A girl may also have difficulty entering into a relationship, because. she remains the only close person for her mother. And to let such a person go into adulthood, oh, how difficult!

Therefore, boldly look around, and perhaps you will see. If you are honest with your child, appreciate and love him, but do not forget about yourself, your family will be able to find harmony. And if there are problems - there are psychologists, right? Good luck!"

In order not to panic, it is worth taking advantage of someone else's positive experience. What can a stepfather give a child? Let's watch the stories of the stars!

Imagine a store with emotions neatly arranged on the shelves. You come to the checkout and a smiling seller asks: “Do you want simple female or maternal happiness?” It's hard to decide, isn't it? And although such stores do not exist in real life, we sometimes still have to choose between a child and a relationship with a man who is not his father. Do not give rest to the thought of whether the beloved will get along with the baby, whether he can become a friend or even a loving dad?

Unexpected changes

Moms' doubts are quite justified, since there are many factors that influence the development of the relationship between the child and the "new dad". When parents and father leave the family, the familiar world of the baby inevitably changes. The child loses a sense of security, blames himself for the problems of his parents, becomes more touchy. Negative moods intensify if, meeting with their own father, the son or daughter sees his experiences, understands that dad is sad and lonely. In this case, the child may perceive the admirer of his mother, who appeared in the house immediately after the divorce, as the culprit of the separation of the parents and, as a result, the suffering of the father. If the baby has not heard serious accusations and offensive words from the parents, then he will be more calm about the man who cares for his mother.

The situation is a little different if the child's parents divorced long before the mother met her beloved man. Gradually, the baby weans from constant contact with his father, at the same time, he develops an understanding that his mother completely belongs to him. This means that the new member of the family becomes not only the “deputy” of the father, but also a rival for the love, attention and care of the mother. It is especially difficult for sons to accept this fact. (By the way, a similar attitude towards a man can develop even if the child was not even familiar with his own father).

Clear without words

In the family, the most vulnerable position is occupied by children, therefore, if any problems arise, they are the first to react. Babies cry, act up, sleep becomes unstable. It is worth noting that with the right actions of parents, children under the age of three easily get used to new circumstances, make good contact, communicate with interest with a person who loves his mother.

At an older age (4-6 years), the child expresses his protest by isolation, frequent insults, unwillingness to communicate with adults. To get the attention of the mother, the child can behave like a baby: pee in pants, act up, not obey. Already at this age, children are trying to influence their parents. For example, the son of a friend of mine told a man claiming to be the “new father”: “Why don’t you let mom live with dad? Get out of our house, daddy won't come to me because of you."

The student's negative reaction is often reflected in his diary - bad grades, comments from teachers about behavior. In addition, a child can provoke a fan of his mother into conflicts, realizing that his mother will stand up for him, and this will cause irritation in the newly-made dad.

The rights of the head of the family


A man who has taken responsibility for raising a child of his beloved woman really has much less leverage than a mother and father. He would like to knock on the table or yell at a little bully, but just say his beloved woman, mother-in-law, how will the child react and what kind of sediment will remain in his soul? As a result - constant concessions and the accumulation of negativity. A man in such a situation experiences no less stress than a child, because he needs to become for the baby, if not a father, then a friend, if not a role model, then at least a person worthy of respect.

Although there are men who do not even try to restrain themselves and, without further ado, take up the belt. I know cases when women endured the most terrible aggression of a man in the direction of their own child just for the sake of this tyrant being around ...

Mom's worries

If we are talking about a man who sincerely wants the best for a child, and if the baby does not have serious psychological problems, then the main responsibility for the atmosphere in the family falls on the shoulders of the woman.

Worried about the baby, the mother can behave too harshly with her loved one: “This is my child, don’t touch him, don’t scold him. You have no right to this!" Such a clear division of "mine - yours" leads to the fact that the man is left alone against the coalition of mother and child. As a result, his irritation grows, because the child, as it seems to him, becomes the sole owner of maternal attention. In fact, a woman simply has a mechanism to protect her crumbs, and often she regards even the disgruntled look of a man as a terrible threat.

So that there are no serious conflicts in the house, when the child does not want to obey, and the man restrains his anger with all his might, a wise woman can take care of the authority of the new family member. For example, telling a kid fascinating stories from the life of a loved one - how he parachuted to the North Pole, saved a kitten from a fire, at worst, that he is a champion in transferring grandmothers across the road. In such a presentation, it is important not to overstep the bounds and not overpraise (this will cause irritation in the child), besides, the man must reinforce the stories with actions - do what he does best with the baby, give the child a sense of security, support him. If the baby develops a sense of respect for the beloved man of the mother, then he will understand and accept his advice and instructions.

In the event that the child does not accept a new family member, if you see that he is worried and worried, it is better to go with him to a child psychologist (or with a new husband and child to a family psychologist). A competent specialist will find out the causes of children's experiences and try to correct them.

The ability to communicate correctly is one of the most important things in the life of any woman, and it is especially indispensable when talking with a man about the prospects of marriage and starting a family. If you want to marry your loved one, talking to a man about marriage is necessary, without it you can waste years in a relationship.

If you have already spent significant time with a man and have known him enough to decide for yourself that you would like to live with him, share with him and have children from him, the next step is to let him know about your feelings and what you are. want in life.

Remember that a man in love wants to make you happy and give you what you want. If marriage is important to you, and you are important to him, he will decide on marriage.

What to do if a man offers to just “live together”

If he wants to “just move in together” at first, you can say:

“I don't want to just live with men, I'm not that kind of girl. If I live with someone and sleep in the same bed, it will be my husband. I understand that marriage is a serious step, but if I decide to live with a man, then at least we should be engaged. To live together for some time before the wedding, in order to establish myself in my decision and understand whether we are good together - I understand this. But for this, I must know that the man and I are going to get married, that he wants and is ready to spend his whole life with me, that we have already appointed a day when we will swear an oath of allegiance to each other and exchange rings. But just living together for years, without a goal of living together for a lifetime - I don't understand that, it's just spending time with someone waiting to see if something better comes up - it's not for me. If you are not sure that I am the woman with whom you want to spend your whole life, the best for you in the world, then I do not need such a relationship. I want my man and I to both want to be together so badly that we don't need anyone else in the whole world. And if you are afraid and think that you can be wrong or that I am not the woman with whom you are best and with whom you want to be together forever, then this is not the kind of relationship that I need.

Agree to live together only if the man is ready to set a date for your future wedding.

Speaking about yourself and your desires, you do not put pressure on him and do not demand anything from him, but simply voice your personal rules and understanding of life. If he wants to continue communication, then he, by default, accepts your rules.

• Do not agree to "live together" if he is not going to marry you and is not ready to set a date for the upcoming wedding.
• If you are already living together, talk about the future and marriage.

The best time to talk about marriage is when a similar topic naturally arises: any mention of family life or marriage by friends, on TV, in movies. In no case do not specifically grab him and do not scare him, like “we need to talk” - an informal conversation in the car, at the TV, on a walk will work best.

Talk to a man about marriage when he is full and rested.

Be calm and do not raise your voice, do not argue when you have such a conversation, do not associate unpleasant emotions in a man with the topic of marriage and wedding. On the contrary, this theme should be connected for him with joy and pleasant sensations. Therefore, such a conversation should not be started when a man is hungry, tired, upset - on the contrary, when he is rested, satisfied and happy. For example, on the weekend after outdoor recreation, embracing on the couch ...

For men, the topic of marriage and wedding is often associated in their minds with an irritated and dissatisfied girl (according to past experience). If you are calm and relaxed while discussing this topic, he will relax and become calm too. Negative past experiences with other girls will only emphasize how different you are from them. Thoughts about wedding and marriage should be about how good you are together, and not about how it could change his life for the worse.

Steps:

• Find out his opinion about marriage first: what does he think about it in principle, does he believe that he wants to get married, have children, when exactly, what should happen for this, how roles will be distributed in his family, who will do what.
• After that, express your point of view: how do you see your future family (not necessarily with him, but in general), how many children would you like to have (or say that you do not want to have children), how do you imagine the distribution of responsibilities. Do not copy his ideas, express your real views.
• Don't argue. Each of you is entitled to your own point of view.
• Make your views on marriage clear to him: you will be ready to marry a man only if he wants to be with you as much as you are with him. You won't settle for anything less. If a man does not love you as much, then this is not for you.

(Why it is important not to argue or raise your voice is explained in the article)

Divide a big task in the mind of a man into several stages

If a man wants to live together, he is mentally prepared for marriage.

Marriage is a serious life step, it seems gigantic, difficult to carry out, and men have a desire to leave it for later. If you break it down into a few small steps, things are not so scary:

• principled consent to marriage
• accepting the idea of ​​a future marriage with you
• setting a wedding date
• living together
• wedding
• continuation of life together after marriage

If your loved one wants to live together and have you with him all the time so that no other man can take you away from him, setting a wedding date before starting a life together is a small step, but very important for you.

The guy does not have to fall on one knee and hand you a box with a ring. You may well buy or order a ring after you have agreed that you will get married. But you must have an agreement in principle that you are getting married and a date on which this should happen before you start living together.

After all, for example, if he was hired and he was offered a position with a trial period, he would like to know when this period will end and he will receive a permanent position. If he came to buy a car, he would not be allowed to drive the car until he decides if it suits him. Similarly, if he wants to have you in his life just for himself, he must make the decision now, not when he pleases.