Love in adulthood - savagery or good

“All ages are submissive to love,” A.S. said many years ago. Pushkin. This is a truth that does not require proof: to love, deeply and faithfully, a person can at any age. And not once, as previously stated, but several times in my life. This love will have its own characteristics, its own unique emotional shades.
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“Love has its own laws of development, its own ages, like human life. She has her own luxurious spring, her own hot summer, autumn, which for some is warm, bright and fruitful, for others it is cold and barren, ”wrote V.G. Belinsky.

Marital relationships also cannot remain the same, they are constantly evolving and changing. It is quite natural that certain changes may occur in the relationship of spouses from time to time, typical of the development of marriage over time. If we compare the periods of courtship and newlyweds with the subsequent periods of marital development, we see a typical transition from romantic love to a realistic understanding of marriage.
Honore de Balzac noted on this occasion that during a person's life, his love goes through an infinite number of transformations before merging forever with our life and forever coloring it in its fiery color. Love is a naive stream that flows over pebbles, between herbs and flowers; but here it becomes a river, a river, changes its nature and appearance from each new tributary, then flows into the boundless ocean, in which imperfect minds see only monotony, and great souls are immersed in endless contemplation.
In adulthood, love is usually more conscious, in youth it is more restless, from the age of 13–15 they begin to wait for it, fearing that it will pass by.
Most often, young people, having reached the age of 18, think that their time has come to love, that feelings are strong only in youth. They look with surprise at those who, having lived together most of their lives, get divorced because they fell out of love with each other, or in their declining years they still talk about love to their chosen ones. Only over the years the truth is known: love is not a privilege of youth, it is characteristic of people at any age.
In youthful love, dreams of the future are usually not associated with family life. Lovers dream of traveling, of a future profession, of never parting. Elements of fantasy are introduced into the image of a loved one.
First love is usually platonic. The object of love is treated with adoration; the problem of sexual intimacy as such does not arise before lovers. At this age, they strive to be together as often as possible, experiencing great pleasure from spiritual intimacy.
First love can suddenly disappear, and without any external reason. In such cases, some young people may experience disappointment, disbelief in love. However, this state quickly passes, and there remains an invaluable experience of emotional communication, which is used in future, "adult" love.
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A 19-year-old girl recalls how the first love developed: “We met at the competitions at the beginning of the 10th grade. They began to meet. Three months after we met, he came to visit me with flowers. This pleasantly struck me and my parents, because knighthood has become so rare in our time! My parents really liked it, I also liked everything about it. I was even going to marry him, but then abruptly changed my mind. I don't know why it happened. He still wonders, my parents too. They tell me that I am windy, and that they don’t do that with love. They may be right, but I couldn't help myself. Apparently, this is only my first feeling, and everything is ahead of me.

At the same time, the first love, which most often a person experiences in his youth, leaves an indelible mark on the soul of any person. Youthful love is open, unprotected, fragile. For her, even ridicule can be fatal. Therefore, special care is required, caution in handling it. Both those around them, and the lovers themselves, and especially those who cannot respond to feelings addressed to them: how the relationship develops in youthful love largely depends on a person’s attitude towards himself, towards other people, towards the object of his mature love . The most sensitive to the experience of first love are young men who for many years cannot part with their memories of how the girl reacted to their feelings - shared it with the young man or, conversely, rejected it.
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“First love,” writes A. Morois in “Letters to a Stranger,” “leaves an imprint on the whole future life of a man. If this love was happy, if the woman or girl who awakened the feelings of the young man answered them and was faithful, a sense of trust, clarity will become a companion of his whole life. If this first time, when he wanted to give himself and trust, he was rejected or betrayed, the wound will never heal completely, and moral health will be undermined for a long time ...
Very often, a man, being unhappy in his first love, dreams all his life of a tender and poetic woman who combines the qualities of a girl and a mother, friendship and sensual attraction, understanding and humility in relation to him. He searches everywhere for this sylph and is therefore constantly unfaithful. Instead of accepting women as they really are - imperfect, complex, but alive - he is looking for, as the romantic poets said, an angel, and he himself is likened to an animal ... This is a terrible responsibility ... to be first love ... ".

Almost all of this equally applies not only to men, but also to women.
The first love is the tender and quivering charm of boys and girls, the feeling of the highest spiritual purity. It is rather a love that passes rather quickly and is remembered forever because it is the first. In the first love, youth recognizes itself. This happens both when a person is in love himself, and when he condescendingly observes his girlfriends and friends in love, admires his resistance to the attempts of the opposite sex to attract attention to himself, and even philosophizes about this. This is the period of the birth of interest in the opposite sex and the desire to love. If the feeling does not come for a long time, anxiety is brewing: “Is it possible that I won’t meet anyone, won’t I fall in love with anyone? Why did love come to others, but not to me? Why am I not interested in those with whom I want to be constantly? How to change yourself to become attractive? Young people begin to be active in winning sympathy. It's time for a test of strength. Often these relationships remain at the level of play and search. With great humor in the ancient Indian "Kama" this period is said about this period: "The one about whom I constantly think is indifferent to me; she longs for another, and he loves another. Meanwhile, another one dries for me. All failed: that one, and that one, and the God of love, and this one, and myself!”
The first feeling is most often short-lived. It either ends in disappointment, or develops into true love. At the same time, the distance from the first love to a real feeling is no less than, for example, from baby talk to the brilliant poems of great poets.
Young lovers often want to seem better, more interesting, because they really want to please the one they are passionate about. But to seem does not mean to be. How long can you stand on tiptoe?! It is from insincerity during the period of falling in love that the drama of love begins, which ends with traditional reproaches: “But I didn’t think that you were like that!”, “But I didn’t know that you were like that!”
True love is natural and beautiful, like life itself. She is recognized immediately, everything here is done according to the age-old ritual: at first the world will spin, like on a carousel, and only he or she flashes in it. The voice, the smile, the details of the last meeting are always in my memory. It is already impossible to wait, I want to meet sooner. “Unintentional” meetings begin, the first awkward conversations. The desire to see another is constantly growing, I want the beloved to quickly guess about the feeling for him, it’s scary for this world riddled with trepidation.
The first manifestations of mutual love are still timid, but they enhance the emotional life of young people. The beginning of love is beautiful because it brings out the best in a person. In self-knowledge, self-discovery, a person seeks and develops what is important and likes another.
If the feeling is mutual, the craving for each other increases, the desire to be together as often as possible grows stronger. Common joy, joint experiences, and sometimes difficulties and trials overcome together are able to raise the nascent feeling to the level of great love.
Finally, the first confession: most often with eyes, a smile, embarrassment, a timid touch of hands, a tremulous expectation of the upcoming meeting, an unwillingness to part at the next date. At this moment, spiritual insight comes - lovers understand that they are reciprocated. Young people declare their love. Happiness seems complete.
But youthful love has its own characteristics. She is romantic, idealized. Young people, falling in love for the first time, believe that no one has ever had such love. Often they endow each other with the virtues that they want to see, and not those that actually exist. They try to mechanically transfer the requirements for the ideal to the person they like. But more often than not, it ends in disappointment. Someone before marriage, or even longer, lives in dreams about the non-existent image of the beautiful Laura or their Romeo, created by the imagination. Another begins to soberly look at his beloved and finds in him not so much a confirmation of his ideal as a contradiction with him. Many things are not as they seemed. Romantic ideas about a loved one and life reality collide. If the contradiction is not resolved, love ceases to gain strength and stops in its development. Sometimes people test their feelings with time and separation. If the desire for new meetings with the chosen person goes out, others are more worried, then you need to come to terms with the fact that disappointment has entered your heart. Wise people advise letting the heart suffer so that it is ripe for a real feeling. The suffering of failed love prepares for future love, stronger and more beautiful.
Although youth gives love the power of passion, freshness of feelings, a heightened perception of beauty, at the age of 14-17, few people succeed in maintaining love. At the same time, the experience of a great and wonderful feeling, which is youthful love, can spiritually and spiritually enrich a person, often leaving wonderful memories for life. Such love can be an excellent preparation for later life, helping to develop in young people sensitivity, responsiveness and the ability to empathize.
If a young man said: “I love you!”, And the girl immediately agreed, if this was said at that period of charm, when everything seems so beautifully fabulous and you want to love everyone, this is not a guarantee of the strength and strength of the feeling. The people say correctly: "Quick haste - people laugh." It is not enough for a feeling to be born, it is necessary to let it grow stronger, mature, blossom.
Separation becomes a serious test for youthful love. It seemed that they both loved, but then parted for a while. At first they yearned, got bored, then weaned and gradually forgot. They began to pay attention to others. So it was love, not love.
True love is cleansed by time and separation from everything superficial, only good and bright remains. The feeling becomes stable, strong, even.
But not everyone can stand the test of separation and time. Expectations also have limits. In particular, it is impossible not to take into account the physiological and psychological reasons for the desire of girls not to postpone marriage. She is more than a young man, she is afraid of being alone. With a long wait, not only life paths often diverge - the psychology of people, attitudes, attitudes, habits also change. The main bonds of youthful love can be broken - moral and psychological compatibility. Common points of view on life and love, marriage, family are created gradually, in constant communication. It is important not only to recognize the merits of each other, but also tolerant attitude towards the shortcomings. Long expectations and separations sharpen the vision of shortcomings, not virtues. With strong mutual love, each helps the other to overcome them, and with immature love, disappointment sets in.
Youthful love is very fragile. Like a fragile tree, it can bend under the weight of life's difficulties, wither under adverse circumstances, break under the blows of fate.
Destroy still fragile love and the uncertainty that arose for some reason in a loved one or in oneself, a feeling of insecurity in a relationship. Uncertainty breeds suspicion or jealousy, and these vices have a destructive power. When love ceases to be joy, it perishes. Meanwhile, folk wisdom has always tied together love, hope and faith. Hope in love is its prospects, the conviction that the feeling will always be strong and wonderful. Faith is confidence in the future, in a loved one, in his fidelity, it is the exclusion of any suspicion, complete trust in each other. In love, an optimistic position should prevail: a young man should proceed from the fact that the girl is the best for him, and the girl - that he is the most worthy for her. But in life it often happens the other way around: everyone thinks that he is the best among the best for another, made happy with his attention, and forgets that love is the exaltation of the one who likes, and not himself in front of the one who likes. Life teaches young people that it is necessary to proceed from the installation of equality of merit: by elevating a loved one or a loved one, a person rises himself; humiliating, emphasizing his superiority, a person exposes his low culture and causes disrespect for himself. Optimism helps to overcome the difficulties of everyday life more easily. How many young families have not passed this test of strength, having failed to overcome the disharmony between the romanticism and emotional loftiness of feelings inherent in age, and the ordinary, earthy life, for which the young, as a rule, are not ready.
To preserve and strengthen love, a young family first of all needs solid economic ground under their feet. It is no coincidence that marriages concluded after acquiring a profession are more stable. You can, of course, live at the expense of your parents, but how long can this last? You will have to give up the main thing in love: independence and freedom of feelings, you will have to endure the inevitable interference of others in family affairs. You cannot live your own life if you live at the expense of others.
So that the poetry of love of the young is not destroyed by the prose of life, it is necessary from early youth not to waste time, to develop the will, mind, character, efficiency, diligence, skill. Then there will be enough strength, and character, and experience to save love.
The first meeting with love means a lot in our life. Prudent and cautious people try to enter the sea of ​​love feelings gradually, step by step, without risking falling under the wave. Such enter into adulthood literate, but not capable of deep and sincere feelings. No mental shocks threaten them. Including love - it's a shock. A person who has taken a sip of real happiness - no matter what it costs him - will strive all his life only for him, not agreeing to anything else.
We are afraid of early love, reckless love, irresponsible love, we try to avoid unwanted disappointments and suffering. It is not love that should be feared, but its absence, so that an emotional desert does not form in your soul.
Mature love is the sun at the zenith of a person's life. It is in mature years that love is able to fulfill its functions to the highest degree: to elevate feelings, ennoble the heart, and encourage creativity. It inspires self-confidence in life's struggle and overcoming difficulties, makes the mind sharper, the worldview finer, the conscience more implacable, and it strengthens the fortitude of the spirit. Love ceases to be an end in itself, remaining the center of gravity of the entire spiritual world of man. Loving in adulthood is as important as breathing. As soon as love leaves, old age begins, no matter how old you are - 30 or 70. Love for life in adulthood rests on love for a real person, primarily on love for a spouse and children. But the main feature of mature love is its connection with all other types of passionate attitude towards the world: love for the motherland, for vocational work, for children, for the riches of nature and human culture. Love gives morality and usefulness to all human hobbies and enriches itself thanks to his favorite work, touching art, nature, friends, interesting people. It just seems that serious business people in adulthood only work, argue about production problems. No, mature love is present in everything, giving a person strength for work, struggle and victory.
In mature years, love comes differently, its signs are different. Youth adds love to its life, maturity gives it everything it has. Mature love forgives a lot and even takes the guilt of the beloved. She is proud, does not tolerate pity and humiliation, vulgarity and pettiness. At the same time, mature love is often associated with difficulties, which instead of joy bring a person mental suffering. And most often the cause of this suffering is the family, which he cannot leave out of a sense of duty. Here is how a woman writes about it, to whom love came at a fairly mature age, but she could not afford to leave for her loved one. The most difficult thing in this situation was that the woman was constantly tormented by doubts: does she have the right to love and be loved if she has obligations to her family.
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“I fell in love at 40. Not at the right time, at the wrong time. I fell in love not in spring - in autumn. Around the slush, and I glow with happiness. Then I came to my senses, as if I stumbled on the run: I have a husband, almost adult children - what am I? ... He left, and many pounds of flour settled in my soul, a heaviness that I feel physically. And suddenly I doubted whether my sacrifice was needed? And whose advice could I take?

Mature love is strong in reciprocity, it is not a sum, but a product of two virtues of different people that complement each other! But this is also a division of the shortcomings of one into two.
Mature love is a strong and enduring feeling. For some, it lasts a lifetime, for others it lasts for years, sometimes fading, sometimes flaring up again. In order to successfully overcome the difficulties of life, the difficulties of one's character, temptations and chills, one must have a high moral and strong-willed upbringing. That is why fidelity, decency, and reliability of spouses are so important for mature love.
A new assessment and self-assessment of the feeling of love also occurs in the first years of marriage. In the union of lovers, tenderness, admiration for a loved one and constant all-encompassing gratitude to him for loving, but for being faithful, for the happiness that you constantly get from the mere feeling that he or she is near, usually grows over the years.
Enhances feelings and childbirth. Hegel said: “A mother loves her husband in a child, and the latter loves his wife; both have in it their love before them. At the same time, as in property, unity is only in an external thing, in children it exists in a certain spiritual connection, in which parents are loved, and which is loved by us. If the birth of a child cools feelings, destroys the spiritual connection of parents, their marital love, this indicates only one thing: one of them simply did not love the other or lost respect for him already during their married life. True love from the birth of a baby becomes even stronger, brighter and more poetic. Failed love does not endure the test of difficulties associated with the birth of a child, the family is destroyed.
Love must be endured so that it becomes more precious than anything in the world. To suffer first of all by overcoming the bad in ourselves, by ennobling those we love. When mature love comes, it must be supported by constant words and deeds.
Of course, it’s bad if one of the spouses says: “I will always find another who is not worse than you” or “I am still beautiful enough to be admired by others. More than one will fall in love with me." Even worse, when you are interrogated every day: “Where have you been?”, “Who are you talking to on the phone so affectionately?”, “Where did you get this handkerchief?” Distrust undermines love.
There is a period of rest in love. It can last for years, until something stirs up feelings, and the spouses, under the impression of shock, suddenly feel how young their love is. Sometimes, busy with work and raising children, spouses can weaken their attention to each other - this is dangerous: a feeling can simply die without caring for it.
In maturity, even a short separation is dangerous and unnecessary. Communication with a spouse becomes the same necessity, a need, like sleep and food: it is impossible to live long without it. In mature love, they are afraid not for themselves, but for another: “What if something happens to him?”
In mature love, the main difficulty is the combination of marital and parental love. The older the children, the more problems, and the strength decreases over the years. There is only one way out: gradually accustom maturing children to independent decision, responsibility for their actions, not allowing their worries to completely absorb you, weaken your attention to your wife or husband. Children should be given such attention as can strengthen conjugal love, but no more. The troubles of the young often arise because the elders think and decide for them, forgetting about their own life, which is given to them and in which they are obliged to be happy. Youth will solve its own problems, but it is not given to solve the problems of its parents. Sometimes they say that love is strong until old age comes. Is it so?
The practice of our consultative work with elderly couples and single elderly people shows that love does not lose its value for a person even in advanced years, at the end of life. This can be confirmed by the lines from the work of the Czech author Jozef Zelenka "Love".
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“Watched her in the store. She stood in front of the mirror, small, strong, ugly. Her new coat came down to her ankles, with only the tips of her fingers sticking out of the sleeves. She looked unsure and very vulnerable.
“It suits you,” the old man repeated several times already, walking around her. He carefully straightened the crease, removed the invisible fluff from his shoulder. Hem it a little, - he advised, - and it will be very good ...
“I can’t do this, I’m so small,” the old woman said guiltily and turned her flushed face to the saleswoman, then looked at her husband. She wanted to be a little better in his eyes. The old man gave an old coat to be wrapped.
"It's cold," he remarked, paying.
I completely forgot why I came to the store. He followed them, drawn by some obscure force. The old man, holding his wife by the fingertips that protruded from her long sleeve, led her down the street. I followed them for a long time, imperceptibly, but stubbornly, without saying a word.

This example clearly shows that even in adulthood, spouses can maintain deep feelings of love, affection and mutual care for each other.
It is no coincidence that long-livers are always happy in family life. As the poet said, love is alive as long as the earth lives, until a person perishes into the earth! Yes, people need love all their lives, and in old age it is no less beautiful than in youth.
Often love breaks out in people with a big difference in age. As an oddity, as an eccentricity, or as a marriage of convenience, such married couples are sometimes considered: he is 50 years old, she is half her age. And this is understandable: a young woman, having not met among her peers who met her spiritual needs, reached out to someone who, over the years, did not lose purity of heart, but gained clarity of mind, wisdom. Remember: Chaplin at the age of 60 married a 20-year-old actress, lived with her for 25 years, leaving the world wonderful works of cinema and five children. The big difference in years between V.G. Korolenko and his wife did not prevent them from creating a happy family. And there are many such examples.
Sometimes unused tenderness and passion flares up with great force in late, or last, love. The last love in life is rare. This is like a gift of fate and like a crown of thorns before the eternity of non-existence. This is both a great happiness and a great sorrow of a person.
F. Koluntsev in the novel “Morning, Afternoon, Evening” writes: “Last love is always poisoned by the bitterness of repentance and most often burdened with lies. First love mistakes are not fatal. The mistakes of the latter are irreparable."
Belated and unequal love often carries with it great pain. Often she is accompanied by remorse in front of another person with whom many years have been lived. The natural ties of generations are torn: the life experience of those who love is too different, youth is not prepared for a long and strong feeling, and on the threshold of old age there is no opportunity for this.
Of course, the marriage of people of the same age for mutual love is happier. But there are so many complex collisions in life, so many dissimilar situations, that it is impossible to reduce everything to a single standard.
Love comes at any age and can leave both in youth and in old age, if a person has not learned to take care of it.
How love is born
Love between a boy and a girl, between a man and a woman has its own dynamics, its own development. This is a process in which one can distinguish periods of intense experiences, "passionate burning" and slow attenuation, up to the complete cooling of feelings in one or both partners. No matter how much we would like to keep this amazing feeling for life, unfortunately, a person is powerless to rule over the elements of love experiences. Love is the case when a person's feelings do not obey his mind. Eternal love, which is mainly spoken of in the language of poetry and art, is more the exception than the rule in the relationship between a man and a woman. When it comes to eternal love, they usually say that this is love that in its fullness has never been realized.
At the same time, love appears and colors a person's life with a range of various experiences. She has her own laws, according to which she is born, lives and dies. In some cases, this life can be quite long, in others it can be excessively short, when a person, not having time to enjoy the happiness of love, loses it forever.
Like the mystery of love itself, the laws of its origin and extinction still remain an amazing mystery for mankind. Specialists in the field of psychology of emotions highlight some features of the process of development of love, which are most vividly described in Stendhal's work "On Love". The key concept that reveals the essence of the formation of a feeling of love is "crystallization".
Speaking about the crystallization of love, Stendhal draws an analogy between what happens to a tree branch that ends up in salt mines, and a person’s feelings, which increase along with the increase in the merits of the object of his love.
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“In the salt mines of Salzburg, into the abandoned depths of these mines, they throw a tree branch that has become bare during the winter; two or three months later it is taken out, covered with brilliant crystals; even the smallest twigs, no larger than a tit's paw, are adorned with countless mobile and dazzling diamonds; the old thread is unrecognisable...
It gives us pleasure to decorate with a thousand perfections a woman in whose love we are sure; we go over the details of our bliss with infinite joy. It boils down to the fact that we exaggerate the magnificent property that has fallen to us from the sky, which we do not yet know and which we are sure of having ...
What I call crystallization is the special activity of the mind, which, from everything it encounters, extracts the discovery that the beloved object has new perfections.

How is love born?
The first stage is admiration for the object of love. Something in another person attracts attention, strikes, makes you stop, feel admiration. Sometimes - a beautiful appearance, gait, voice, sometimes - a subtle judgment, a deep thought, sometimes - an act, courage, nobility, kindness. Beauty, according to Stendhal, is an indispensable condition for the birth of love: “Beauty for the birth of love is necessary, like a signboard. It is necessary that ugliness does not present an obstacle. A sign usually stops our eyes, attracts attention, and ugliness, on the contrary, can repel. However, beauty itself is not only external attractiveness, the beauty of the body. This is the beauty of the mind, will, and spirit of a person. Thus, the beginning of the birth of love is associated with the selection of the future object of love from the environment and endowing it with an emotionally positive assessment. The experience of admiration endows the partner in our eyes with exclusivity and makes him the center of our attention.
The second stage is the study of the object of love, a comprehensive study of the partner, increased sensitivity to all his behavioral manifestations, appearance, judgments. There is no love here yet, there is only a benevolent interest in the personality of the partner and unconscious sympathy, due to admiration.
The third stage is the birth of love and the first crystallization of feelings. The origin of love is connected with the experience of pleasure from the sight of its object and communication with it. The first crystallization of feelings is decisive for the development of love. Stendhal calls it a special activity of the mind, aimed at endowing the object of love with all possible virtues. The personality of the partner is systematically positively assessed. Information about a partner undergoes special processing - exaggeration of merits, ignoring or distorting shortcomings (turning them into merits), which leads to "thickening of the merits and virtues" of the partner and idealization of his image. If there is no real intimacy and communication with a partner, the imaginary resolution crystallizes.
The fourth stage is the birth of doubt. The idealization of the image of a partner at a certain moment turns the bearer of the feeling of love towards himself and gives rise to doubts about how much he himself is worthy of the love of his chosen one, such a respected, perfect and "god-like" being. This is the stage of the emergence of self-orientation as a possible object of love, the beginning of the search for an answer to the question: “Why and for what am I loved?”
The fifth stage is the second crystallization of feelings. Obtaining confirmation of the presence of reciprocal love directs the process of self-exploration and self-development of the individual towards highlighting and cultivating in himself the best qualities and virtues that he already possesses, that he wants to see in himself and that he endows with the object of love. The second crystallization of feelings is personal growth in the direction of developing in oneself those virtues that will make a person irresistible, chosen, loved. The main feature of the fifth stage of love is the intensive personal growth of the bearer of the feeling of love in the context of building relationships with a significant other.
The sixth stage is the development of the relationship of love towards achieving complete intimacy and unity with its object.
The stages of the first and second crystallization of the image of a partner (object of love) and one's own image are of key importance for understanding the psychological mechanisms of the influence of love relationships on the development of a personality. Russian philosopher B.C. Solovyov considered idealization in its positive sense as the ability to see in a partner not only those properties and qualities that he already possesses, but also those that could be. The ability to see potential virtues and perfections in a partner that are still hidden from others and treat him as if they are already a reality, build your communication and behavior, already taking into account these potential virtues, is the great wisdom of love. “The deification of a beloved being” is necessary so that your perfections, which are still hidden not only from others, but also from yourself, existing as if in a project of what you could become, your partner sees in you and explains in close communication and activities, creating the necessary conditions for their transition to an internal state. The idealization of the image of a partner is a kind of “credit of trust” given to a loved one. It will bring positive results, provided that each of the partners will try to change for the better in order to match the ideas of his chosen one about himself as “perfection”. If this does not happen, the mutual idealization of love (marriage) partners without an active attitude towards oneself will sooner or later lead to deep disappointments.
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A. Steinsaltz wrote about the danger that awaits spouses in such a case in the book “Simple Words”: “Love is always accompanied by mutual idealization, and family relationships built only on it will be a union not of two real people, but of two phantoms generated by fantasy . With a successful set of circumstances, romantic love is replaced by a more durable feeling for another person, accompanied by a willingness to put up with his shortcomings and fulfill his obligations towards him. If relations in the family do not receive such development, it will remain so only nominally until it breaks up; its emotional foundation will not withstand emotional stress. Spouses will seek solace outside the family circle, changing partners in search of new love.

The second crystallization is a purposeful work of the individual on himself, realizing the goals of self-development and self-improvement. The psychological meaning of the first crystallization lies in the fact that a person includes potential qualities in the image of a partner and in his own image and builds his relationship with a partner, focusing on these qualities as real ones. The meaning of the second crystallization lies in purposeful self-development, work on “elevating yourself” to a partner.
With a general positive assessment of crystallization, which has an extreme idealization of the image of a partner, it is necessary to take into account the possible negative consequences of this process. Idealization can cause serious violations of interpersonal relationships and communication with a partner in the case when the idealized image conflicts with the real qualities of the partner or when crystallization is not accompanied by the real work of the individual on self-improvement.
Love as a strong, deep and stable feeling for another person in its development goes through a number of stages: from simple sympathy to absolute emotional attachment and selfless devotion.
The first stage is interest, sympathy, attraction. We say: "I like him (she)". This is quite enough for the first approximation, for the appearance of friendship between a girl and a boy. These relationships can be long, unfinished, romantic or everyday, but they are always very pleasant. These relationships are uplifting, although not yet binding. In this case, a girl (girl, woman) takes care of herself more often, looks in the mirror more often, preens, does her hair, the boy cleans his shoes, irons his trousers every day. It is very good when there is a person who likes you and who likes you. This raises vitality, activates personal actions for self-improvement.
The second stage is admiration, enthusiasm, love, passion. These feelings already create a certain tension and intensity, they always excite, but tire, knock out of the rhythm, require their permission. It is difficult for a person to live in a state of passionate excitement. Passion must either be extinguished or be satisfied. If the feelings of one are warmed up and encouraged by the other, the possibility of turning the friendly relations of sympathetic men and women into a love affair becomes a reality. Further, everything depends on upbringing, culture, volitional components, moral principles, etc., i.e., on the personality itself.
The third stage is worship, respect, devotion. At this stage, love leads to marriage. You can experience passion as an obsession, but you cannot love without respecting a person.
Love that has gone through all three phases, developed into a powerful feeling, is individual love for life.
An integral component of the feeling of love is sympathy, attraction to another person. In this regard, the question arises about those factors that contribute to the emergence of sympathy and act as a condition for the attractiveness of a partner.
Usually it all starts with external attractiveness. The ideal of an attractive appearance is conditioned by both cultural, historical, social conditions and subjective evaluation criteria. The only common physical sign of beauty for all cultures is the musculature and height in men. In addition, beautiful people communicate more often, and this property is more true for beautiful men than for beautiful women. The benefit of communicating with the beautiful lies in the fact that at the same time, one’s own beauty, as it were, increases. In the form of a common type, the attribution of positive personal properties to the beautiful, and negative ones to the ugly, is manifested. However, positive qualities are more often attributed to a beautiful woman than to a handsome man. At the same time, women are more guided by a beautiful appearance when choosing a love or marriage partner than men. At the same time, both men and women who are self-confident choose the most beautiful partner, and in the absence of such confidence, they are guided by an average or even low level of physical attractiveness.
The external attractiveness of a person is determined not only by his partner's assessment of him, but also to a large extent by his own self-esteem. If self-esteem is high and adequate or even slightly exceeds the level of adequacy, then this is reflected in such features of personality behavior as confidence, goodwill, focus on establishing relationships and communication, which contribute to greater self-disclosure of partners. An important factor contributing to the emergence of love is the social characteristics of partners, which include belonging to a certain social level, status, profession, social success, etc. Success and luck enhance the sympathy and mutual attraction of partners, and failures repel (usually Losers are shunned, and not just in love.)
Attractive to others - these are people with communicative abilities. Therefore, the level of development of communicative culture is of no small importance in the emergence of the attractiveness of partners when meeting and initiating love. Here, such qualities as the ability for open communication, self-disclosure, sincerity within the limits of maintaining an intimate personal "safety space" of partners, the ability to express one's feelings, and show an empathic attitude towards a partner are important. The absence or low level of communicative competence of a partner has a sharp negative effect on his attractiveness for another.
In the development of love relationships, which over time can lead to the creation of a family, an important factor is the similarity of attitudes, ideas, views, values ​​of partners. This allows you to see in another person a like-minded person with whom you can fearlessly discuss issues of interest, receive psychological and moral support in vital situations.
In the emergence of sympathy, and then the feeling of love, one should not exclude such a factor as the predictability, predictability of the partner's behavior. These characteristics are especially important in tense, stressful situations, as well as in everyday communication. Unpredictability may not be scary, but at the same time it makes it difficult to understand the intentions of a partner and can lead to a breakdown in relationships. Predictability should not be reduced to routine and stereotypical behavior. This refers to the "transparency" of the partner's actions and deeds, which makes it easier to find contact with him and achieve mutual understanding, to respond appropriately to the problems and difficulties that arise in his life.
In love relationships, especially in their inception, situational factors play an important role. These include the following: regularity of contacts, the possibility of implementing joint activities, helping each other (care, helping behavior). Psychologists have proven that the level of sympathy for a partner in a helping person is higher than that of the one who is being helped. In other words, we become attached to those whom we help more or who need our help and cannot do without it.
The joint experience of the danger of a threat to life also significantly affects the emergence of sympathy between partners. This factor explains the well-known phenomenon of increasing the level of cohesion of people during crisis situations (recall the proverb about the need to eat a pound of salt together in order to get to know each other and establish truly harmonious relationships).
The partner evaluation factor allows us to take a closer look at each other and pay attention to the one whose assessment of our qualities largely coincides with our own, that is, there is no significant discrepancy between self-assessment and assessment from the partner. This is especially important when a partner emphasizes our positive qualities and virtues, which we have no doubt in ourselves. Any person is pleased when someone from the outside points to his dignity; such a person immediately becomes sympathetic to us.
We love and admire the beauty of a loved one, his personal qualities and demeanor, we are fascinated by his voice and never get tired of reciprocal recognition of his feelings for us. Reciprocity in love gives a man and a woman the highest joy and incomparable happiness. Therefore, the fading of this wonderful feeling, disappointments in love become a real tragedy for former lovers. A person does not just lose a loved one, he loses the ability to satisfy his most significant needs, loses the joy of communicating with a loved one, feels his uselessness, loses the meaning of existence and loses self-respect. Grief becomes inconsolable, life loses its meaning not so much because they fell out of love, but because the rejected was deprived of the opportunity to be himself. A person suddenly finds himself in a dead end, does not know where to go, what to do. The struggle for already lost love, for the restoration of an already destroyed feeling is often doomed to failure. It only intensifies negative experiences, exacerbates despair. If you fell out of love, then you were disappointed in the person, in your dream, lost hope for a better future. You should not look for the cause in treason, often treason occurs because the person himself was not able to change himself in accordance with the desires of his beloved or beloved. Cheating is not a cause, but a consequence of disappointment in love, therefore it cannot be explained only by a heightened sexual need, as happens most often with those whose love relationships are overshadowed by infidelity. Love is a multifaceted feeling, in which all facets of the human "I" rejoice and suffer.
Why love most often disappears in marriage? The answer to this question was given by A.I. Herzen, who subtly noticed the features of the changes that occur with the feeling of love in family life. He believed that cohabitation under one roof is a terrible thing, on which half of marriages collapsed. Living closely together, people come too close to each other, see each other in too much detail, too wide open, and imperceptibly pluck all the flowers of the wreath that surrounds the personality with poetry and grace.

Unrequited love is a difficult test, a torment that is familiar to so many.

Most people forget about it after a while and even remember it with an ironic smile. Some suffer from unrequited love in an acute form for a long time, painfully, and even break their lives.

Of course, it’s better to get sick in her youth, because as we grow older, we change, and the object of sighing falls off the pedestal on which we put it without much effort. Although, even at this age, there is a loop and subsequent stupidity, there are enough examples from life.

However, it is much more difficult if unrequited love overtakes in adulthood, when a person appears on the horizon who seems to be the embodiment of the ideal.

As a rule, romantic natures are most often inclined to dwell on unrequited love. Such women are attracted by love with obstacles, from obstacles their feelings become even stronger. They believe that this is a fairy tale with a happy ending.

Romantic women tend to idealize their beloved, to justify the negative traits of his character. They are mistaken that they know the object of their passionate love well enough. In fact, most likely, they invented him, painted a portrait of the ideal hero.

These are women who like to suffer from soap opera scripted love. Of course, there is nothing criminal in this, everyone is his own master. Unfortunately, they lose time, because every year there are less and less free men.

Another option is when a woman ends up with an ignoble man. He is very proud of the fact that women fall in love with him and in every possible way stirs up their interest in himself. This increases his self-esteem, he has no other goals. As soon as a woman cools down a little, he immediately gives her signs of attention, for which he is a master.

The woman lights up again - he is impregnable again. Often married men behave this way, who in every possible way try to explain their behavior by saying that duty to the family is a sacred matter, otherwise it would have been at your feet for a long time. In the eyes of a woman in love, this theory is perceived as another plus of a noble man. In fact, there are no pluses or a noble man there.

There is a category of women who simply do not know how to choose men and can step on the same rake several times in a row. It seems to them that a curse has been placed on them, since they fall passionately in love with men who do not love them. In such a situation, psychologists advise choosing men who clearly sympathize with you, “cancel the white dance” in your destiny.

It happens that after long suffering because of unrequited love, a happy ending still comes, but then suddenly disappointment comes. This can be compared to a gift that is expected too long. He is often not happy, because too much negativity has been received while waiting for him.

In any case, lingering unrequited love is a waste of time. The time when a person can be happy, loved.

If a sad love story has dragged on, something needs to be done, perhaps it is necessary to change the worldview, the philosophy of life. There are many ways to do this:

1. Seek help from a psychologist, they help a lot.

2. Master the literature on the topic "how to become happy and find a loved one."

3. You can just look around and look for a soul mate in your environment.

4. Start to lead an active life, do something all-consuming: sports, dancing, social activities, change jobs.

5. Make new friends even through the internet.

6. Get creative: write poetry, articles, draw, etc.

7. Get a job where the male team is.

8. You can go to work abroad.

9. Set a goal and improve your education.

The main thing is to prevent the state when nothing else but your beloved interests you. It's dangerous for the psyche. It's bad for health.

Life is much more than love between a man and a woman. There is also love for children, work, creativity, travel, nature and life in all its manifestations. Life is very multifaceted. Is it worth it to devote all of it without a trace to unhappy love?

And yet, it is likely that you took for the only complete stranger. It happens that way too. Love, unfortunately, is often blind.

© Taisiya Fevronina. 2011

One would like to recall the words of the great Mikhail Afanasyevich as a preface:

Love jumped out in front of us, like a murderer jumping out of the ground in an alley, and hit us both at once! This is how lightning strikes, this is how a Finnish knife strikes!

(M.A. Bulgakov "The Master and Margarita")

That's how it happens. You still don't understand what's going on... But a random glance decides everything. At least that's how it happened. No, this is not a toxic relationship at all, not at all dependent. On the contrary, the resource state. And we did not dissolve into each other, but retained and increased our individuality and personal qualities.

Love at a relatively late age is different from what you experience at 16-17 or even 20 years old ... In my experience, I found that love for a husband was connected with the fear of losing him that deforms me as a person and the desire to completely possess him, which means to control, crush, manipulate... And over the years it has become a bad habit. And as you know, you need to get rid of bad habits. Which is what I did.

Being in free flight, creative and scientific search, I no longer thought about love ... When suddenly it appeared. That's exactly how Bulgakov's ...

Many of my peers are afraid of love. Is it necessary? After all, love (not passion!!!) is a huge gift from Heaven. This is something that does not obey the laws of logic or science. Yes, and it is not necessary. The attitude of women who repel this truly resourceful feeling is: "I don't want to be deceived again!" (and further with variations - "feel pain", experience stress, be humiliated, etc.) . Are you sure that the former relationship can be called love?

Love is a huge resource state . In this state, I create, live, grow as a person, despite the fact that my beloved is not next to me (alive and well or with snot, it doesn’t matter, the fact is that he is still afraid of this feeling ... Well, it happens, you know whether... there are some mental differences... And again, sincerity and honesty. "I want you to realize this feeling yourself! Therefore, I give you freedom! I let you go! I let go, but I continue to love ... I believe in you, I know that you are strong and will make the right decision"). Love gives me new opportunities, activates my scientific search, creative and professional growth, and this is the main thing.

In this state, I realized for the first time that you can’t consider a man as your property, you need to respect your partner, which means that you should make joint decisions, all the more, you shouldn’t insult your lover ... After all, in front of you is a MAN with his inner world, with his Soul, his views on life ... A reasonable person, a loving person, a creative person ...

Many families that actually cease to be families a couple of years after the registration of marriage have one and the same feature: after a divorce, there is a need to start a new relationship. And here an obstacle arises in the form of certain difficulties, described below.

1. Emotional baggage.

You are no longer young, but you managed to taste the taste of family life, experienced a range of feelings in relationships with the opposite sex, and in your memory there are ready-made algorithms and reactions to “sexual stimuli”.

This baggage has shaped you as a person, so when a potential partner asks about who you are and what kind of person you are, you will readily talk about your experience, that you have ready-made principles and you are prudent in small things.

Unfortunately, the new relationship involves changes in the lives of the two, including changes in the state of the peripheral nervous system. This is facial expressions, and your speech, and gestures, and even the temperature of the skin surface - so much will change, and these changes will be in such unusual “little things” that you will actually start a new life.

After all, only under these conditions can you have a child, move to another place of residence, wake up with someone else. If you stay in the same condition, then your partner simply will not be able to come close to you, as required by a new relationship. In other words, you will have to surgically cut off some of your emotional baggage.

More barriers in adulthood to the family

2.Your demands have grown.

A priori, you simply cannot be that naive young man or girl who looked with open luminous eyes at the object of your passion. In your head is the memory of past suffering, which is unacceptable, and therefore you will cut them in the bud.

Your significant other does not work - goodbye! Drunk or rude - goodbye! I could not explain the long absence from home - goodbye!

Unfortunately, we realize late that each person is not just unique - he gives us a choice - either we perceive him completely or reject him. Even if you like some quality, you need to take the rest of the luggage. We will have to give up our demands - and this will have to be done without fail.

Your task is to decide whether you are ready to sacrifice something or not. It is possible that something can be bypassed, and it is necessary to make efforts to achieve harmony with a partner, to seek compromises, because the end justifies the means.

3. The world is changing, as a new partner brings new laws, new discoveries into your life, you will learn new things about the world around you, and therefore your perception of life is changing.

Even if the nature of the spouse or spouse resemble the previous life partner, their social environment is likely to be different. Someone with a sick mother, someone has a child who was left with an ex-spouse, someone is spinning in sports or financial circles, and someone is lonely ...

You can turn into a closed person, although before that you were the soul of the company, and all this for the sake of the family, for the sake of family partnership. And no matter how hard you try to keep your social ballast, it will still be difficult for even good friends to get used to you in a new guise, they may turn away completely unexpectedly.

What can we say about favorite habits. The wife may interfere if the spouse spends a lot of time at the computer, and the husband will demand that the wife answer all the phone calls. New man - new laws of the universe.

4. You will get bored with your old self.

Your past "I" will no longer please you. You will want to take and take from a new acquaintance, change for the better, be inspired by a partner.

But, as a rule, this rarely happens. Most likely, both are coming down on each other with their personal boundaries, and your past self will become a big burden for both. Already on the third day of your life together, you realize with horror that you will have to commit violence against yourself. Without him, the marriage will fall apart immediately, because you are both mature people and both have strong presets, both will want to take something fresh and new from each other, and you both sit on the couch and keep quiet!

Someone should start a new diet, jogging in the morning, someone should start learning a foreign language, otherwise boredom from a hardened personal shell will turn into mutual dissatisfaction: after all, I condescended to you, you should rejoice, be inspired and change for the better, why do you sit with such a lean face and expect something from life?

For very young guys and girls, the connection arises organically, they do not have a personal shell and accept everything as it is, and therefore their quarrel is always shock therapy. In mature divorces, all quarrels are painful mutual tortures, blows and injections, and rarely balanced decisions. The second time it is better not to allow a divorce - it will be very painful, as it will be conscious and "heavy" in its load.

One way or another, for the second or third attempt, you have one powerful weapon: you clearly know what you want, so do not be fooled by a pleasant appearance, but immediately determine the boundaries of your acceptable compromises.

Source -

Feelings have no boundaries - neither age nor social status can stop love. So why is it so often possible to hear about young hearts inflamed with unearthly passion for each other, but it is not customary to talk about love in adulthood? Let, it is very different from what a person experiences in distant youth, but this does not negate all its charms.

Flaws

While the children live nearby, the woman does not feel lonely. When they enter adulthood and become independent, she is left alone with her thoughts, fears, desires. But the forgotten freedom returns to it, with which something must be done. You can, of course, devote yourself to your grandchildren, and then to your great-grandchildren, but what if you want to find a mate before it's too late?

The circle of potential partners at this age is small- this is the main disadvantage. All peers are most likely either married or not of any interest. There are two exits. Or agree to a relationship with a man who is older, and this essentially turns out to become a nurse near the bed of an elderly husband. The second option is to expand the circle of acquaintances. Here, all means are good: dating sites, word of mouth, an active social life. If you still want to enjoy love, do not neglect any chance to meet it anywhere.

The second disadvantage is it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that there will never be that intensity of passions that was in youth. Passion in youth replaces love, but how it burns the eyes, how the head spins. All the disadvantages of a partner are simply not noticed: hormones allow you to close your eyes to a lot. In maturity, the look is too critical and will not allow you to plunge into the novel with ease and recklessness.

Advantages

The most important plus of love in adulthood is wisdom. Disappointments are unlikely, because, despite the fact that all the shortcomings are visible to the naked eye, you are able to accept your loved one with all the problems, because over the years comes tolerance for a lot and the ability to forgive.

Well, the most important advantage: life can still be started again, taking into account all their mistakes. If you take care of your health, the period of activity will last for a very long time, which means that together with your new spouse you will discover a lot of things that you did not know about before. New acquaintances, pleasant communication, dates - you can’t give up on yourself or devote yourself to serving something, it’s time to remember yourself.