Financial assistance to adult children. Do adults need help? Taxation of parental financial assistance to adult children

Photo: Artem Samokhvalov/Rusmediabank.ru

By providing financial assistance to children, parents feel their power and, to some extent, power over them, even if they have grown up and become adults. By giving them money, the parents, as it were, retain the right to teach, advise, and even insist on their opinion. They retain the ability to interfere in the lives of adults. After all, whoever pays is influential, you see.

They cannot shake off the role of a mentor and are not able to let their children go into adulthood. And the offspring, accustomed to financial injections, get a taste. And then they begin to wait for help and even demand it. And if for some reason the parents reduce or stop it, they are offended and make claims. It turns out a vicious circle.

Like us and like in the West

It is customary among Russians that parents “know” over their children almost.

But in Western countries, a completely different approach. There, children live with their parents only until graduation. Then, in most cases, they leave their father's house and begin an independent life. Of course, their parents do not push them out by force, everything will turn out differently: a boy or girl enters a university, which is often located in another city or even another country, so independent life arises naturally. Of course, many parents pay for their offspring's education (in whole or in part). But then - that's it, then be kind enough to live on your own.

We have it differently. Sociologists conducted surveys on the topic of material assistance to adult children. Here is what the Russians said:

- Parents should not interfere in the life of adult children at all - 9%.
- Parents should provide material assistance to children within reasonable limits - 69%.
- Parents are always obliged to help their children - 16%.
- Other or found it difficult to answer - 5%.

What does endless financial injections lead to?

They lead to the fact that children sit on their heads, get used to handouts. As a result, they do not develop a sense of responsibility for their lives. They become selfish and dependent.

With endless financial handouts, parents harm their children. After all, the parental duty is to prepare children for independent life, to make them strong. Instead, what?

I know such a story. One woman from a small provincial town went to work abroad, in one of the European countries. She worked there as a housekeeper. Of the money she earned, she kept a little for herself, and sent most of it to her son and his family, who remained in the province. The son was interrupted by odd jobs, saying that he could not find a permanent job.

After some time, the woman met a widower who asked her to marry him. The man was good, so she agreed. But since her husband now supported her, she could no longer send money to her son's family. The son and daughter-in-law made a scandal to her on the phone, they said that she was selfish (!) And did not think about them. They forbade her to call, talk to her granddaughter ...

The family did not communicate with her for more than six months. Then the son called as if nothing had happened, said that he got a job, and now they are doing well. She was given a chance to talk to her granddaughter and was even invited to come visit.

In what cases can you help?

For example, you can give money to study, this is a good deed. Investing in is caring for the future life of your child, raising its level. So if you have the opportunity, pay for your studies, at least partially. You can also pay for courses that you may need.

Also worthy material assistance is money for housing: an apartment, a room. Any help in purchasing your own home is invaluable.

You can give money for (at least partially). Let the offspring get on his feet, begin to earn a living himself, then later he will be able to help you.

It is good to financially help grandchildren - for example, open an account in their name. It is better not to give children money intended for grandchildren, as they may be tempted to spend it as they see fit. It is better to give your grandchildren a good gift or buy a vacation ticket for them, etc.

But for their own pleasures and "Wishlist" let the children earn themselves. They are adults, and it is not necessary to strain parents on such things.

For some reason, it is believed that people after fifty life ends. That they no longer need anything for themselves, so you can give everything to the children. I don't think so. On the contrary, when the children have grown up, it's time to live for yourself. You have been hunchbacked at children all your life, now let them take care of themselves. I myself have two children. As soon as they graduated from the institute, I stopped helping them. Of course, they periodically visit me asking for money, but I basically do not give. Why? I don't need money either. I'd rather go somewhere with my wife or buy a new TV, or something else. And so I did a lot for my children. All my life I fed them, gave them education. Now I think that my parental duty has been fulfilled and I can finally live for my own pleasure.

Lyudmila, 33 years old, administrator

I am just the same child who was helped by his parents all the way. And I am very grateful to them for this. I just couldn't have done it without them! They helped me with housing and got me a job. Now they sit with my daughter while I earn money. I don’t know, maybe someone will say that I’m spoiled, that I’m sitting on their neck. But it seems to me that it is right when people in the family help each other. Today I need them - and they came to my aid. Tomorrow I will start helping them if needed. This is good! They helped me with a job, now both parents are retired, and I help them with money. In my opinion, this is the height of indifference - to do nothing if your loved one needs support, including material support. Nothing can justify this. After all, now I am already a completely independent woman, and I could say that parents should rely only on their pension. But I love them, and they love me, so we simply have to help each other.

Tatyana, 43 years old, economist

No matter how caring the parents are, sooner or later their child will have to solve their problems on their own. And you need to prepare your son or daughter for this. Parents should give the child the necessary skills in making money, teach him to endure life's troubles, make him independent. And if you constantly help, pay for any whim and intervene at the slightest problem, your child will not learn anything. And then you have to fill a lot of bumps before you become a truly adult. It is better if these bumps are stuffed in youth, when the same parents come to the rescue in a pinch. That is why I try to raise my children as independent as possible. My son has been working part-time since the age of 15, my daughter also studies and works. I haven't given them pocket money for a long time. My friends tell me that it is cruel that I deprive them of their childhood. But I feel like I'm doing the right thing. By the time their peers are just starting to take their first independent steps, my children have already achieved a lot.

Nina 48 years old, manager

In our country, helping children is not a whim of overly loving parents, but an urgent need. We simply do not have the opportunity immediately after graduation to get a normal job with a normal salary. Well, nobody needs yesterday's university graduates! Everywhere specialists with work experience are required, but where can a yesterday's student gain this experience? So it turns out that first you need to work for a penny, and only then look for a good place. But youth is the most active time in a person's life. It is at a young age that people start families, give birth to children. In no case should you refuse this - time will be lost, and a person will forever remain lonely and unhappy. So without the help of parents, unfortunately, can not do. And we should not assume that our children are incapable lazy people who cannot succeed in life without parental support. It's not about the kids, it's about the system! My daughter entered the university this year. She is a talented and hardworking girl, but how can she live without my financial support? She is a full-time student, so she cannot get a full-time job. She works part-time, but receives very little for it. A scholarship is generally ridiculous money. Of course I help. I am not an enemy to my child and I cannot allow my daughter to stop studying.

Oleg, 54 years old, driver

For some reason, we are used to the fact that “all the best is for children,” so parents go out of their way to feed their overgrown blockheads. And then they wonder why their child grows up to be an egoist. But there is nothing surprising in this. If a person is used to the fact that everyone owes him everything in life, why will he suddenly start thinking about others? He was also taught from childhood that he is the navel of the earth, that everyone cares only about his well-being. How many of these I have seen - do not count. Healthy men do not work, they sit on the neck of retired parents who no longer have any money or health. At the same time, the "child" believes that it is necessary! After all, parents are given for that, to feed him all his life. Such people do not even think that elderly mom and dad need help. What for? They have the same main thing in life - to provide comfort to their offspring. Not so long ago I drove two adult girls and accidentally overheard their conversation. Discussed where to get money for the holidays. So, one of them quite seriously assured the other that the parents are simply obliged to pay for the trip. The argument was ironclad: “And what should they spend on, if not on us?” This young lady did not even have a thought that her parents might have some desires of their own. They also need to rest from time to time. I am a thousand percent sure that when this girl's parents can no longer help her, she will immediately forget about their existence. Once the source of income has dried up, then there is no need to think about these people.

Sergey, 50 years old, entrepreneur

Of course, you need to help if the child needs this help. This is necessary not only for an adult son or daughter, but also for parents. Well, how can a normal person calmly watch how his child lives from hand to mouth, how his grandchildren are forced to grow up without diapers, good baby food or toys! It's possible to go crazy! Personally, I love my children and want to protect them as much as possible from everyday troubles. I don't see anything wrong with that! I bought apartments for my daughter and son. Just because I have the opportunity. I don't see any reason why I should let them roam the removable corners. My kids won't get better from starving or living in a hut. They are not spoiled at all, they are decent and responsible people. And I don’t understand how, for example, having your own living space can affect this. And why do I need money? Am I taking them to the grave with me? I am pleased that my savings will help my children. In the end, it is for them and for the sake of my grandchildren that I work. I myself do not need much - if I had a place to live, I would have something to eat. And my funds will be very useful to them. And it pleases me. I want my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to live in our country house. I would like them to say someday, but we got this house from our great-grandfather!

“My son is 19 years old. We are from Belarus. To become more independent, I sent him to study in Tver. He studied full-time while I had money to help him. Since October, I literally pushed him to work. H went to work as a waiter. They promised a big salary, but in reality it turned out to be nonsense. The son again asks him to support him financially until they start paying more.

Although I constantly quarrel with him, but in fact - I feel sorry for him. I take and send him money. Because when he runs out of money he goes and asks my aunt for it. How can I get over myself? I myself understand that I am doing my son a disservice, because he will have to feed his family himself. And it's a pity, and she was wildly tired. Money doesn't fall from the sky either. And the son screams that the money he received won't last a month.

Hope you answer me. Thank you in advance.

Arina".

This letter is answered by psychologists Augusta Rivkin

and Irina Shmeleva:

You sent him to Tver to get an education for a future life. At that time, you could keep him. And now he is sure that they will give him money, otherwise he will die of hunger. A form of blackmail.

To get started, find out how much money is needed for life and how your son manages money. Let him know how much he can expect from you. If your aunt gives in to his requests, discuss with her how much money she is going to allocate for his life, and constantly.

It is worth unexpectedly coming to him and seeing with your own eyes how he studies and where he works. Check the accuracy of his words. The fact that he yells at you and demands money is quite natural, since you yourself have taken upon yourself the obligation to provide for his studies. He requires you to fulfill obligations, but do you ask anything from him?

It is unclear how successful he is in school. Perhaps he spends part of the money on leisure, so there is not enough for food. He probably still does not know how to plan his expenses and incomes. Just calculate how much money you need for an apartment, groceries are the main expenses. It looks like you are now trying to fund all of his requests.

Understand the financial side of your relationship. And compare the two dangers: one, that he lives poorly, and the other, that he will get used to building relationships with people only on a financial basis.

Apparently, your explanations about the limited material resources have no effect on him. You gave him a start in getting an education, and now, in fact, you are trying to do everything else for him.

A person can become independent when he himself makes efforts to achieve goals, and does not force others to work for him. And if he really wants to study, then in a city like Tver, you can find unskilled work. Why does a person need to work if you can take money from your mother by playing on her pity?

Now he is shaping up as an adult in every way. Now turn to him for help. Let him know that you are counting on him too. Where will the sense of responsibility come from if nothing is demanded of a person? When your son knows one word from early childhood “give” (to me). It's never too late to start learning the word "take" (from me).

Hello. I am 45 years old. Sunu is 27. She married early, running away from her parents' house. Father drank. The family was dependent. Parents died early. My husband and I created exactly the same family as our parents. The husband in his youth drank less and less often now every day, but does not want to be treated. The son graduated from the institute, somehow served in the army. There were different difficulties always asked for money. Came got a job and it started ... 2-3 months leaves. Either he does not become obsolete, then he does not suit him. He left for Moscow to look for work there. In general, he is lazy, very reserved, does everything quietly and in his own way. He asks for money every month, so much so that it is difficult to refuse. If we refuse, then he takes loans. Now he has so many debts that our apartment is not enough to pay off. Thank God that he has no share in it. Now he asks for money for the way home. I already sent, he did not come. I don't have the money or the strength to explain it to him. My monthly salary is equal to travel from Moscow to Barnaul. I have a huge sense of guilt and fear. I do not know what to do. Help advice.

Psychologists Answers

Hello, Elena Vasilievna.

Elena Vasilievna

I don't have the money or the strength to explain it to him.

Your son is an adult capable of earning money himself. You are not at all obliged to give him money and explain himself if you do not have such an opportunity. After all, you are not an almighty "source of abundance", you also have a limit. Do not expect your son to learn to notice him himself, learn to refuse. Of course, if you try to please everyone and keep silent about your difficulties, where will the forces come from? Start taking care of yourself at least a little and you will have more strength.

Elena Vasilievna

I have a huge sense of guilt and fear.

Do not blame yourself, you are already doing everything you can, everything in your power. You will not achieve happiness by trying to give your son or husband even more, the more you give, the worse you are and the worse your relationship with loved ones. As paradoxical as it sounds. In order for your loved ones to treat you more carefully, they need to know when you feel bad, when you can’t do something, when you don’t know how to do something. Don't be afraid to talk about your problems and needs. Start working on your fears and desire to please everyone. Learn to refuse and say that you can’t do something, that you need help. Believe me, you will feel better. Go to