The husband became aggressive and irritable - reasons, advice from a psychologist. Unreasonable aggression in men: causes and methods of treatment

Question to the psychologist:

Please help with advice on how and in what direction to change your behavior with your husband and is there any hope for stabilizing relations? I am 25, my husband is 29, I have been married for almost four years, I have a son of three years. My husband abuses beer, insults me and yells obscenities at me in front of a child. There were cases when it came to assault, the first time a year ago, then three more times, he believes that this is all nonsense, not much, and that anyone else in my place would have beaten me to death. My husband often tells me "die, get out of my life, I hate you", plus a lot of obscene language and personal insults. All this then he asks not to be taken literally, but as a reason for me to think about my behavior. But no matter how hard I tried, under such circumstances, I could not think and correct my behavior so that it would not happen again. I think it's wild, we live in a European country, I'm 6 years old, he's already 25 years old, his family has never had such a thing, neither has it in mine. Until recently, he claimed that he loved me, but I don’t feel loved for a long time, although I understand that he himself can think that he loves me, but only if I “behave well,” that is, I don’t contradict him, don’t I express claims, I do not find "stupid excuses" for his constant remarks addressed to me. In intimate life, I can’t get pleasure because of all these years of accumulated grievances and because I can’t trust such a person completely, he was never interested in what I want, but only got angry when he noticed that I didn’t like it very much. I don’t suspect him of treason, rather he me, unreasonably, sometimes very vulgarly and insultingly. We are now in a difficult financial situation, because of the child and because of his carefree life in the past, our studies were delayed, but all this could be experienced with the desire and mutual mutual support. But I did not receive any moral support, rather, on the contrary, my husband hindered my development and always and in everything ridiculed my undertakings. I supported him as best I could with both work and creativity (his group achieved some success). When bitterness and sarcasm, discontent began to appear more and more often in my voice, he began to call me a bitch, a stupid fool, a schizophrenic ... A few days ago, after a quarrel, he grabbed me by the throat and threw me on the bed. I got scared and called the police, because here domestic violence is punishable by law. He got angry and left, I decided not to apply for him yet, this challenge was more like an attempt to scare him. But he only got even angrier, talking about my impudence, divorce, and that he would never forgive me for this, and that now he completely hates me. But in a conversation with his mother, who also had to be involved, he said that he did not want to get a divorce. Increasingly, I begin to think that maybe it's not my mental disorder? (although I must admit that I have a tendency to depression, especially during the premenstrual period, but I don’t yell obscenities at everyone at this time ..) it’s hard for me to figure out what prevents us from living a normal life, but most likely this is a communication problem , he simply does not know how to speak normally, and does not want to meet my needs. Puts all the blame on me. But in many other aspects, I still really like him and I would not want to leave, especially since we have a small son. Yes, he also speaks contemptuously about all women in general, although he is clearly indifferent to men. How to deal with such a person? How to resist his aggression and explosive nature, without trampling yourself and your needs? And how to persuade him to go to a psychologist?

The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.

Xenia, hello!

I want to immediately express sympathy and empathy for the situation in which you find yourself and are forced to live. It's very difficult. And it's hard... it's no wonder you tend to have very bad conditions.

Just want to ask a question - in what "other aspects" do you like your husband? Not for you to answer me, but yourself. You have touched on almost all areas of life in which he manifests himself negatively and aggressively - family, child, intimate life, material, spiritual, emotional ... What areas are still left? Try to talk honestly with yourself - what really keeps you near him? Often it seems to us that “well, of course, I like him in another!”. It's just that if you admit to yourself that these spheres do not exist, then it will be completely incomprehensible - why stay with him further. And parting is difficult, scary, and sometimes it’s just not the time. So we come up with “other spheres” for ourselves and for those around us, in which we supposedly find an outlet, for the sake of which we endure all this in our lives. But the problem will not begin to be solved as long as we hide from it, run away and do not want to face the truth. Turn to it, look and appreciate the scale. And then you will decide what to do with it all.

I should also note another thing: no matter how bad he is, this is his problem and here we cannot help him, because. he doesn't ask for help. But the fact that YOU tolerate him like this in your life is already your problem. And you really have it. You ask "how to counter his aggression?". I answer - start with yourself. Why did your life develop in such a way that you chose an aggressive, cruel, tough man? Sometimes it resonates with childhood. Especially with a relationship with a father or other authority of the opposite sex from childhood. Also, this is an occasion to think about your self-esteem. You have it clearly underestimated, Xenia. And this is a huge problem, because. I'm sure it affects all other areas of your life.

So, all I can recommend to you in your difficult situation is to become taller, stronger, wiser. Only in this way can you survive, only in this way can you pass this lesson and it will end for you one way or another (I don’t mean that you will end your relationship with your husband, but this situation will be resolved in one way or another as soon as all the lessons are completed). received by you). And you have something to take and something to learn in these prevailing conditions. I repeat again, the formula is simple - take the scale higher, rise above the situation, get out of the framework of "so is he mentally ill or me?". These are not the questions you should be asking yourself.

Negative emotions and bouts of aggression periodically occur in everyone, but if most of us prefer to restrain ourselves, some people cannot restrain themselves and they have uncontrollable bouts of aggression. Aggression in men and women today is generally frowned upon. But the number of people who are unable to cope with their emotions does not decrease, and their families and close people suffer from attacks of aggression in men - it is on them that most of the negative emotions “splash out”. What to do with irritability and aggression in men and is it possible to cope with this problem on your own?

Aggressive behavior is considered more characteristic of males. This is due to both the action of hormones and social factors, as well as education. Some men continue to consider it a variant of the norm, not realizing that aggressive behavior not only spoils their relationship with others, but also negatively affects their own well-being.

It is customary to single out "positive" or benign aggression - in the form of defensive reactions, courage or sports achievements, and negative or malignant aggression, characteristic only of a person. Under the influence of such a reaction, a person commits destructive, sharply negative actions that are not approved by society.

There are many varieties of attacks of aggression in men, the reasons for their occurrence can also be different:

• Diseases of the internal organs - acute and chronic diseases of the internal organs, accompanied by pain and other symptoms, often cause irritability and aggression in men. Especially if such patients are not treated and hide their condition from others.
• Hormonal imbalance - the level of aggressiveness depends on the concentration of testosterone and some other hormones in the blood. Thyrotoxicosis, diseases of the pancreas, adrenal glands and other glands can provoke hormonal imbalance.
• Neurological diseases and injuries - increased intracranial pressure, injuries and other pathologies of the nervous system can cause aggressive behavior.
• Personality disorder - unmotivated aggression may indicate serious mental problems, there are many, one of the main signs of which is the patient's aggressiveness.
• Psychological trauma - too strict upbringing, experienced violence and aggression in childhood often provokes outbursts of aggression in men in adulthood.
• Stress - negative experiences, irritation, personal failures and other problems cause hidden or obvious irritation, which easily turns into aggression.
• Overwork - excessive physical and neuropsychic stress causes exhaustion of the nervous system, loss of control over one's feelings and behavior.
• The use of alcohol and psychoactive substances - under the influence of these substances, the character and attitude of a person changes. If it is impossible to get a new dose of a psychoactive substance or during the period of withdrawal, the aggressiveness of a person increases several times, and restraining motives (social, moral) cease to exert their influence.
• Features of character and upbringing - sometimes aggressiveness can be a trait of character or the result of improper upbringing. In such cases, the only way to cope with manifestations of aggression is through self-control and learning other ways to resolve conflicts.

Kinds

Male aggression can be different. There are several main types of aggressive behavior.

Active aggression- negative emotions "splash" outward in the form of destructive actions, words or behavior. Active aggression, in turn, is divided into physical, verbal, expressive.

• Physical - when a person uses his power to cause harm or destruction.
• Verbal or verbal - negative emotions are manifested by screaming, swearing, cursing.
• Expressive - expressed by non-verbal means of communication: facial expressions, gestures, intonation.

Autoaggression- Aggressive actions are directed at oneself. In this state, people can cause real harm to themselves, cause physical injury.

Passive or hidden- this type of aggression is typical for family relationships. Not wanting to enter into an open conflict, people ignore the requests addressed to them and do not perform the assigned work. Passive aggression in men is considered a socially acceptable form of relationship. But often, people who do not give themselves the opportunity to openly express their experiences, "hoard" negative emotions, and after that an explosion can occur.

The most common type of aggression in men is family, alcohol and drug. An aggressive man in the modern world can rarely find a socially acceptable outlet for his feelings, therefore, his aggression manifests itself in family and personal relationships, as well as in the "disinhibition" of emotions after taking alcohol or drugs.

Family is the most common form of aggression. The husband's aggression can be expressed both in physical actions and in moral violence, constant nagging or passive failure to fulfill the duties of a husband and father. The reasons for family aggression in men can be different: misunderstanding and stressful situations, jealousy, financial or domestic problems, as well as violations of sexual life or neglect of household duties.

Alcohol and drug aggression- the toxic effect of alcoholic beverages and drugs on the brain causes the death of nerve cells and reduces a person's ability to adequately perceive the situation. The disinhibition of instincts leads to the fact that a person ceases to follow the generally accepted norms of behavior and returns to the "primitive" state.

Treatment

Aggressive men rarely seek help themselves, usually the wives of the aggressors turn to them with the question of how to deal with the aggression of their husband.

There are a lot of ways to deal with aggression, but the most important thing is the understanding and desire of a person to cope with his character. It is impossible to help a domestic tyrant who is happy to intimidate his family. Such a person does not see a problem in his behavior and does not want to change anything.

When communicating with such people or when interacting with aggressive people whom you are not going to help, you should follow the following rules:

• Do not make contact - avoid any conversation, communication or any interaction with such people.
• Do not answer questions and do not give in to provocations - this is the most important thing when dealing with family aggressors. No matter how difficult it is, one must not succumb to various methods of provocation and remain calm.
• Asking for help is important not to be shy and not to become dependent on the aggressor. Asking for help helps to avoid further aggression.

You can cope with attacks of aggression on your own using the following techniques:

• Behavioral control - you need to know what situations or factors can cause aggression and avoid such situations or find other ways to solve the problem.
• The ability to relax - the ability to switch and relieve nervous tension helps to reduce aggression.
• Breathing exercises or physical exercises - a good way to deal with aggression is to do some exercises or "breathe" emotions.
• Sedatives - herbal preparations help to cope with irritability, improve sleep and reduce manifestations of aggression.

Regular attacks of aggression are a reason to turn to a neurologist, endocrinologist and therapist. Only after the exclusion of endocrine and neurological diseases can treatment of aggression begin. It is equally important to establish a daily routine, reduce physical and mental stress and devote time to sports and outdoor walks every day.

Hello! With my ex-husband (I hope I can say so, although the divorce has not yet been formalized), I lived for 17 years, we have 3 children. The last 5 years of marriage have turned into a real hell for me, which I still cannot forget. A loving and positive person has turned into an embittered, aggressive being. Perhaps the reason for such a dramatic change was my refusal to have an abortion, which the former insisted on. Throughout my pregnancy, my husband drank, did not talk to me on principle, my friends helped me buy things for the baby.

With the birth of a child, the problems gradually worsened, more and more new “chips” appeared: silent games alternated with nit-picking out of the blue. Everything annoyed him, he shouted at me at every opportunity, constantly pointed out my shortcomings, he could hit me. I had only to express my opinion about something or (for example, comment on the news) - I heard a stream of aggression and insults addressed to me. He constantly felt that I was not polite enough to talk to him. Sexual life in the last years of marriage was either absent for months or reduced to rare episodes in the style of "did the job - get off the body." At the resort or at the dacha, the former spouse preferred to sleep in a separate room. He was not interested in my feelings, he did not ask about my business, under various pretexts he tried to spend his free time outside the family.

Never apologized, shifting all the blame on me. Repeatedly I tried to talk to him - it was tantamount to throwing peas against a wall. I get the feeling that the person really did not understand that he was doing something wrong or deliberately wanted to hurt me.

I was absolutely demoralized, I did not feel like a woman, or a man, or even a living being. I lived in complete emotional isolation. We became just roommates, complete strangers.

I would never have thought that I would allow myself to be treated this way. But he had a good credit of trust (the first 11-12 years of marriage), and I attributed everything to the notorious midlife crisis and hoped for a "miracle" that did not happen.

Six months ago, I had the strength to break off these flawed relationships, albeit not in the most beautiful way. Having drunk, I threw some of his things out of the window and locked the door from the inside (they lived with me).

Unfortunately, from time to time I have to communicate with this person. he comes to visit the children. Considering himself humiliated and unfairly kicked out, he continues to show me his dismissive attitude: he always appears without warning, defiantly walks into the house in street shoes, says nasty things. Every meeting with him is stressful...unwanted stress. I am raising three children alone, and I need strong nerves.

I do not know how to behave with him, I have already tried all the ways. Asking for something is pointless. will be done exactly the opposite - to spite me. What do you advise? Thanks in advance for your reply. Marina

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

Operate from a position of strength

Your problem is solved quite simply. It is advisable for you to get a large guard dog and train it with a professional dog handler so that it obeys you. When your spouse allows himself to show a dismissive attitude towards you, he will have to do it with an eye on the reaction of the dog. A properly trained dog will not tolerate raising your voice or threatening gestures. to your spouse have to with you behave politely, since the animal does not understand speech, but always reacts to emotions and to the movements of an outsider. A sharp wave of the hand, a sidelong glance, and even more so an approach to the hostess will be accompanied by a warning growl of the dog. Of course, you will have to spend time and energy on feeding, washing and walking the animal. On the other hand, you have to pay for everything in life.

This solution has a lot of advantages.

Guard dogs react sharply to even a hint of disrespectful treatment of the mistress. They always defend their territory and the boundaries of the pack, that is, the family, of which they perceive themselves as a part. If your boundaries have been grossly violated, you have suffered violence and have lost a sense of security, then a watchdog will help you quickly restore a sense of security. Children will learn not only to behave caringly and responsibly, but also learn to see warning signs of aggression in their address. They learn the general principle of the need to defend their territory, which is the basis of healthy self-confidence. Plus, they will never feel lonely, as dogs are able to feel the emotional state of the owners and comfort them in their own way, like a dog. Because the dog needs to be played with and taught new commands, your kids will spend time learning about real life, not virtual life. If you build the hierarchy in the family correctly, the dog should have the least power and the least rights, then it will obey and protect you. If you like the idea of ​​a dog, discuss all the necessary questions with a professional dog handler. All the best!

Aggression is a destructive behavior that is contrary to the norms of human morality, expressing psychological discomfort and physical harm by causing damage to the object of aggression. Often, unprovoked hostility is explained by the desire of the aggressor to dominate others and includes an encroachment on freedom and personal space, having a destructive effect. Being an instinctive model of behavior, aggression is inherent in each person to a different degree, as it is a certain form of self-defense and survival in the real world. Often this is a style of behavior formed since childhood as a reaction to emerging conflict situations.

Causes of aggression

The reasons for the manifestation of aggression in men are:

• alcoholism;
• the use of energy drinks;
• drug addiction and substance abuse;
• smoking;
• lack of self-control;
• physical deviations in the normal functioning of vital organs;
• work and home situations;
• stress.

In family life, aggression is a common problem that contributes to the destruction of relationships within the family and its split.

It is known that children and women suffer the most from aggression, becoming objects of violence by men. Every fifth representative of the weaker sex, according to statistics, is constantly beaten and experiences a panic feeling of fear and hatred towards the family aggressor. A third of crimes occur within the family, which underlines the magnitude of the problem of violence and its global nature.

How to protect yourself from the manifestation of aggression?

To ensure that a woman can protect herself from violence, at the initial stage of building a relationship with a man, it is necessary to pay attention to his behavior. Fascinating descriptions of a loved one about fights in which he himself was a direct participant, or about his childhood, where he had to be beaten by his father's belt more than once, should alert. Statistics say that a third of the total number of such children in the future become prone to the use of aggression, turning into inveterate fighters.

Moreover, the feeling of guilt is alien to these individuals and is easily transferred to the more fragile female shoulders. In most cases, the attraction to violence is incurable, therefore, one should be extremely careful in building relationships with this person or abandon them altogether so that in the future the treatment of aggression does not fall on the fragile female shoulders. In any case, attempts to set such a person on the right path with a sincere belief in his correction will be in vain.

Breaking, throwing, breaking surrounding objects by a man in a state of anger also indicate his imbalance and lack of self-control. This is fraught with the fact that at one fine moment, a loved one, no matter who, can become a replacement for an improvised item with a surge of negative emotions. In this case, this someone becomes a victim of the aggressor, to whom the latter, having deprived her of self-respect, begins to dictate her terms and carefully, with maximum suspicion, control every step.

Threats against the victim should not be taken as something frivolous. They carry the most immediate danger, necessarily entailing physical violence, and require immediate action to be taken to treat the hostile subject.

Types of male aggressors

Women, becoming the object of the aggressor, cannot understand how to behave further, what to do, whom to turn to and where to run. To understand the cause of abusive behavior on the part of a man, you need to know what type the latter belongs to:

• flayer;

In the external environment, he is an ideal family man, the "soul" of any company, a caring spouse who adores his wife. Enough people envy this woman who has such a wonderful and sweet spouse with whom she is fantastically lucky. Everything changes radically upon the arrival of a loved one at home, instantly taking off the mask and enthusiastically taking out anger on his half, doing her “treatment”.

• despot;

The most dangerous type of man who believes that everything and everyone is allowed in his family. The wife, who is constantly beaten by him, is afraid to tell anyone about them in connection with the possible aggravation of the situation. Often, fights take place while drunk, in front of friends, for no particular reason, and the man does not consider it necessary to apologize for the violence caused to the intimidated wife.

• Jonah;

A man with low self-esteem, unable to realize himself in the outside world. He takes out the accumulated aggression and anger for a failed life on a weaker woman. He believes that everyone except him is to blame for his failures: society, the political situation, neighbors, wife and children, in the end. Often friends with alcohol and is most dangerous when drunk.

• Rebel.

In life, he loves his family, takes care of her, participates in home life. But this happens up to a certain point. In a state of alcoholic intoxication, he becomes completely uncontrollable, loses control over himself, and uses brute physical force. The next morning, he is able to realize what happened, repent, sincerely apologize to his wife with oath promises that this will not happen again.

Children face aggression

Male aggression can be directed towards children and animals that are not able to give a direct rebuff. If this happens, you just need to run away from this person in order to avoid the worst consequences. A man who once raised his hand to a woman will be able to do the same in relation to her child. A provoking factor in the manifestation of aggression is the use of alcohol or other psychotropic drugs - faithful companions of individuals prone to violence.

A woman who has experienced once and, perhaps, more than once violence from such a man should not believe any of his persuasions. The mechanism of aggression has been launched, and its manifestation will become permanent, as it will be the need to vent the anger and accumulated negativity from the aggressor.

It is important to take into account that the problem of domestic violence can be clearly seen by the victim of the aggressor, but not by him. That is why the rapist will categorically refuse psychological help and treatment.

In no case should the weak half endure violence towards themselves, vainly flattering themselves with the hope that the aggressor will realize his guilt and take up his mind. Seeing a submissive and calm attitude to ongoing outbursts of anger, a man will show it again and again, treating this as a normal everyday occurrence.

Patience and inaction are the enemies of aggression

Inaction and patience is the worst solution that can be.

Witnesses, and possibly victims of the aggressor, can be children, about whom the male aggressor thinks least of all during bouts of unjustified anger. Living in an environment of cruelty and constant fights, receiving psychological trauma for life, they copy this model for themselves as something familiar. In the future, when growing up, such aggression can become a personality trait and manifest itself in relation to their loved ones.

Living with an aggressor is dangerous, since in the first place he has the satisfaction of his own ambitions and the venting of anger with the manifestation of strength in relation to his loved ones.

Prevention and treatment of aggression

Prevention and treatment of attacks of aggression consist of medical care from specialists and social measures, which consist in the timely determination of the onset of an attack by others and competent behavior during its duration.

It is difficult to pacify aggression in a man, since only negative emotions lead him. Therefore, it is better to switch the attention of the aggressor to positive moments. People who decide to enter into conflict with the aggressor need to behave as balanced and calm as possible, being at a safe distance from him.

If no methods: conversations, persuasion, the help of a psychologist, treatment - could not bring the desired results, the only way out for a woman will be only a divorce. It is clear that the existing fear of the unknown, anxiety about the material security of themselves and their children, forces women to endure regular beatings, hoping for an improvement in the family situation in the future.

Reasons for living with an aggressor

The reasons forcing a woman to live in already habitual fear:

1. Financial dependence on a spouse, who can be the only breadwinner in the family, confident that the family will not go anywhere from him. A non-working wife is afraid to be left alone, because she does not know how she can support herself and the kids. In this case, she needs to get a job and turn to relatives with a request to help with housing or financially at a new life stage.
2. Fear of a new wave of aggression. The woman is afraid that the abandoned husband will find her and take revenge, up to and including death. This fear makes her live with the aggressor and endure violence from him. Although it is imperative to run away from such a person, hide for a while, disappear from his field of vision, which will protect against the expected aggression.
3. Habitual tense situation in the family. In some cases, this is even beneficial for female victims, as those around her pity, sympathize, take her side, condemning the male aggressor. It happens that a woman herself is afraid to admit to herself that the current situation suits her perfectly. In this case, there is only one way out - stop playing the role of the victim, not tolerate aggression and think first of all about the children.
4. Beat means love. The rule by which many women, deceiving themselves, justify the violent behavior of their spouse. The delusion is that the victim considers his aggressive actions as evidence of strong love and jealousy. As a concern, the weaker sex, lacking love and attention, considers the beatings inflicted.
5. Fear of being alone. The fear of being alone and the unreality of meeting love in her life encourages a woman not to change the situation and endure humiliation: it would be better to have such a husband than not to have any. In reality, many women who took the risk of changing their lives, with their newfound independence, successfully built their happiness with another person.
6. Belief in the myth that a man's behavior will change for the better. Remembering him at the beginning of the relationship as caring and loving, the woman hopes that everything can be returned, you just need a little patience and time. It's a delusion. If a man does not decide to change himself, the woman will continue to endure beatings on his part.

Just a step towards a new life

Life is given one, and its quality depends directly on the person. To take the risk of taking a step and getting away from the male aggressor, a woman needs:

1. Think about your own health. Forgetting about herself, she dissolves in her husband, surrounding him with care and comfort. Violence and constant fear undermine the mental and physical condition of a woman.
2. Have your own opinion and not be afraid to leave a man in fear that others and relatives will condemn this act. Who, if not the victim of violence, needs to make a decision on which the future life of her and her children depends.
3. Raise self-esteem. Living on the same territory with a male aggressor, do not allow yourself to be offended, trying to rebuff all his antics. Do not raise your hand to your side.
4. Do not hide the fact of violence. Often the aggressor is afraid of external condemnation, the application of measures against him by law enforcement and administrative bodies, therefore, a woman should by no means hush up acts of violence.

Question to a psychologist

Good afternoon I am 28 years old. I live with my husband in a civil marriage for the 7th year. I do not know what to do with the aggression of my husband. In principle, we have a prosperous family: healthy relationships, we work in good positions, we go in for sports. But recently, the husband is increasingly falling into an aggressive state. He screams, calls me names, won’t hit me, but he can swing, swear. I grew up in a family where the word "fool" was considered indecent. And here they are yelling at me, calling me a bitch, fucking, stupid ... I just don’t know how to live with it. I can’t answer, I don’t know how and I don’t want to, I cry, and then I forgive. Sometimes he apologizes, sometimes he doesn't. I tried to analyze, but I could not find a solution for myself how to avoid it. He starts to get angry at absolutely unpredictable moments, he didn’t like the place where he arrived, I took the TV remote control in my hands, the smell of food strains, I didn’t pick up the phone, etc. Constantly, even on vacation, I am in suspense, I rejoice every day that passes without screaming. I understand that he is a good person, I don’t want to leave, but I can’t live in this state anymore either. Help with advice, please. Can eat any medicines for aggression?

Unfortunately, you cannot give a pill for aggression. In this case, you need to make a choice whether you will live like this and endure it all, or you will begin to establish your own rules. It's complicated. But if you don't learn how to do it, it will only get worse. Go to a family psychologist and talk to him about it. Regards, Anna.

Olga! The situation is very unpleasant - aggression is difficult to understand, especially if you are the object of attacks. You start to get lost, your mind stops thinking adequately, it becomes simply impossible to understand the reason ... And it’s scary to answer, what if they hit you? animals - have you ever seen a dog that barks loudly and then bites! If a dog barks loudly, it will never bite! If it bites, it is only because it sees and feels your defenselessness and fear! People are also animals, especially in aggressive state. Aggression is a defensive reaction of the body, the psyche. But what your husband protects, or whom he is afraid of ... The manifestation of aggression must have reasons!

You should learn to defend yourself! If you adequately respond to aggression, the reaction of a fighter can be unpredictable - so you need to be very well "savvy" - talk to a specialist psychologist. In the meantime, learn to perceive your husband’s aggression calmly with U-JAY breathing. Everyone knows how to breathe like this both in a dream and in reality. Practice the following exercise: press the front wall of the throat against the back wall, take a slow and calm breath - only with your nose! only with your nose! You will feel a slight tightness in your throat, you will also hear your own hoarse breathing - this is how we breathe when we fall asleep. Take 3 breaths and exhale. Arms and legs should be relaxed and not crossed! YOU CAN USE THIS BREATH TO TO SOOTH YOUR BRAIN! Before going to bed, during a conflict, with strong excitement and other stressful situations. Before going to bed no more than 8-10 times, during stress 3-10 times. After this breath, you may feel slightly dizzy and calm - this is because less oxygen enters the brain and it "turns off" in order to rest and make an adequate decision.

Good luck to you!

If the situation worsens, then you need to urgently look for the reasons for the husband's aggression. After all, it wasn't always like that. People tend to vent evil on loved ones, not on passers-by on the street. You need to understand what your husband’s problem is in relation to you, for example, he met someone better than you and you, your presence in his life annoys him more and more ... or you serve him as a boy to fight, for emotional outbursts of negative energy. Pay attention to whether there is more stress in his life due to work, financial situation, instability of the situation, fear for health, poor health, etc.

We need to look for the reason. Aggression cannot be tolerated. If you have already taken the position of a victim, then you have begun to live in a vicious circle, because the aggressor's hands begin to itch in the presence of a victim. All this is already happening on the machine, the reason for dissatisfaction with you can always be found. During an act of aggression, the husband releases adrenaline and, as a result, he emotionally feeds himself with aggression towards you. He fights supposedly with evil in you, projecting his own negativity onto you.

Olga, the situation needs to be changed. In no case should one indulge such behavior of a husband. Deal with the root cause of his aggression. If he does not want to live with you anymore and you leave his life, then help him and yourself. If the root cause is not in you, then the husband should go to the doctor and take a course in managing his aggression. At the same time, he must do this for the sake of you and your relationship in order to save them. If he does not consider you and the relationship with you a good enough reason to tame his aggression, you need to seriously consider ending the "destructive" relationship. You should not support them by humiliating your dignity and self-sacrifice. Forgiveness and love are not given to us so that we become victimized whipping boys or scapegoats in relationships. Find the strength to resist and change. The initiative must come from you if you want to change the situation for the better. Your husband's aggression will only grow towards you.