Do not bend under the family tyrant - a psychologist. Tyrant husband - what to do

Tyrants are not born, so where do they come from? The answer to this question must be sought in the personality of the one who is considered a despot. Our conversation will be about a tyrant husband in the family, although it often happens that a woman plays the first "despotic" violin in a relationship.

It seems that quite recently they were such a loving couple, well, you just can’t spill water, and then suddenly after the wedding he became suspicious and picky about his half. And where did love go? The young wife cannot come to her senses and understand how it happened that the man she loved so passionately suddenly became a monster?

Psychologists consider tyranny as a serious mental disorder - neurosis, which is often the result of an inferiority complex that has developed in childhood. Let's say the boy was underestimated, and he so wanted to be noticed. The man grew up, got married, but this passion to stand out, to attract attention, remained. But what if he feels insecure among people?

For the time being, an unfulfilled desire lurks deep in the soul and suddenly breaks through only in the family, unfolds here in all its "strength and power." So often a quiet and outwardly modest, decent young man becomes a tyrant in the family.

The main causes of tyranny in the family

The origins of family tyranny lie in the psychological characteristics of the individual. The most common reasons why a husband often becomes a tyrant in the family are:

Lust for power. Strives for total control and tries to regulate all aspects of life, when only he decides what and how to do to whom, how to behave. Let's say how a wife should dress when she needs to come home from work, what needs to be cooked. And attempts to resist such dictatorship are suppressed by rude shouting and punishment. For example, a wife may be denied the purchase of the necessary things, and a child, if he did not do his lesson on time, may not be allowed to take a walk with his peers.
Pleasure to humiliate your loved ones. This is nothing more than a manifestation of an inferiority complex. If the boy was humiliated and insulted by his parents, they did not allow him to fully realize his childhood fantasies under the pretext that “these are harmful inventions,” all this remained deep in his soul and left its mark on his character. It is formed with low self-esteem and vindictive: “When I grow up, I will show you! ..” And when his own family appears, he subconsciously realizes his emotions suppressed in childhood on his wife and children. From such a person, none of the relatives will ever hear a kind word - either to himself or to his friends. And relatives, for example, wives, all such and such, among them there is not a single good person. From such statements, seeing how loved ones suffer at the same time, the tyrant husband enjoys. This is already a serious mental disorder, bordering on sadism.
Jealousy. The property is natural, but if it goes beyond all permissible limits, when it becomes an all-devouring and all-consuming feeling, it turns into its opposite - tyranny. The husband follows literally every step and look of his wife, her manner of dressing and appearance. It all seems to him that she is cheating on him with another and is trying to look beautiful for him. This is already a clinic when a jealous person can literally become jealous of a telegraph pole.
beating. The extreme manifestation of despotism is often associated with the use of alcoholic beverages. A person who is unsure of himself often tries to "get rid" of his loved ones with the help of his fists and show his strength. So he establishes his authority in the family. Life with such a monster becomes dangerous, and there are cases when the assault of a monster husband ends sadly for his wife or children.
material dependence. When a wife depends on the financial situation of her husband, for example, earns a little, is on maternity leave, or suddenly falls ill, the despot husband begins to "pump" his rights, that he supports her, without him she is nothing, etc.

It is important to know! At the heart of family despotism, when the honor and dignity of the wife and children are humiliated, lies moral immaturity, its causes lie in the inferiority complex that the husband-tyrant in the family suffers from childhood.

Signs of a tyrant husband in the family

Signs of a future tyrant husband in the family may appear even before the wedding, for example, a guy does not listen to criticism addressed to him, believes that only he is right in everything, this should already be alarming. In family life, one of the main factors of tyranny is the desire for leadership.

There are many nuances here, let's take a closer look:

A high self-evaluation. Associated with an inferiority complex. Deep down, he considers himself the best, but this was not appreciated. Therefore, he does not accept a different point of view. Always thinks he's right.
Feeling of superiority. The wife's opinion is always wrong. "You misunderstand!" So gradually her word is reduced to nothing, the woman feels her inferiority, she has a feeling of guilt, she becomes dependent on the judgments of her husband.
hard to please. He evaluates all the actions of his half critically. Only he knows how good it should be.
Negative feedback about others. Constant criticism of friends, acquaintances and relatives, not only of his wife, but also of his own. This can be called the desire to limit the circle of contacts in order to control all aspects of the life of a loved one.
Only he is the main person in her life! The thought is inspired that without him she is nothing. This is done casually with various jokes and insults, covered with the phrase “Yes, I love you!” So gradually the physical and psychological dependence of the wife is formed.
Avoids responsibility. He is picky and arrogant in the family, but in public life he does not manifest himself in any way, under any pretext he evades serious duties.
Alcohol (drug) abuse. They give him a sense of confidence for family "showdowns".
He gets satisfaction when he takes out his anger on loved ones.. This is from an internal inferiority complex, in childhood, his parents vented their irritation on him, now he, even unconsciously, “takes revenge” on his family.
Tone of communication. He covers his inner weakness with a cry, constantly talking in raised tones.
Zealous attitude to the success of his wife. He strives to keep his half in tight rein, because her successes, if she works, stand across her throat, because, as he believes, they humiliate his dignity.
The family budget is only in his hands. The desire for universal control in the family extends to finances. Only he knows how much, on what and how to spend money.

It is important to know! When a woman begins to be afraid of her man and tries to please him in everything, she becomes psychologically dependent on him. This is the main sign of a tyrant husband in the family.

How to deal with a tyrant husband

How to live with a tyrant husband, if it so happened that he began to show despotic inclinations, and you can’t get away from him at all, for example, the children are very small, and he has a good income? We must try to change the situation. And here the most important thing is to defend your independence. Only on the basis of trusting and equal relationships can you keep a healthy family and not injure your own and your children's psyche.

How to behave with a tyrant husband - follow the tips that will help protect you from your husband's unfair claims and, hopefully, help him come to his senses:

Try to be financially independent. A job or your own business will help you always have pocket money for personal expenses, so that you don’t have to turn to your husband for any reason. This is the key to independence.
Don't let your freedom be limited. Be sure to have your own circle of friends with whom you can communicate from time to time. Behave in such a way that your husband respects your friends and relatives.
Do not please! Do as you see fit so that peace and order reign in the family. By no means go along with his whims.
Show patience! Do not respond to cries and discontent in the same way, try to behave evenly, with dignity. This will cool his temper and make you see a strong person in you.
Stop any attempts to humiliate your dignity. If you resignedly treat one time swearing, especially obscenity, other attempts to humiliate you as a woman, it will become a habit and become the norm of communication. This is a direct path to a powerless position in the family.
We need to live today! Don't hold on to memories that "he was so good!" It's in the past, but today is the way it happened. You need to proceed from what is, and try to rebuild your relationship.
Don't be afraid to show that you want to leave. They love not only the beautiful, women, strong in spirit, attract men. If you show that you can easily do without him and raise the children yourself, this may make him change his mind.

Confronting a tyrant husband is not easy, so you should know the telephone number of a helpline or other social service that can help in a difficult situation. Do not be alone with your problem, a specialist will always give valuable advice, which is so necessary.

How to get away from a tyrant husband

And if it is impossible to live with a tyrant husband under the same roof? It is better to be the mistress of your own destiny than to simply go with the flow, perhaps it will wash you on a good shore, although it usually nails you on a bad one.

Even in such a difficult situation, you can always find a way out. If you have already tried to fight for your relationship, your family, especially since you already have children, but everything turned out to be in vain, then you just need to pack your things, pick up the children and leave. And do not be afraid of his screams and threats that “you will die without me!” The radical option is divorce.

But before you get rid of your tyrant husband, you need to calculate your next steps. If possible, you need to return to your parents, although they will not always accept the return of the “prodigal” daughter with delight. Maybe friends or acquaintances will help with the apartment. If, for various reasons, it is not possible to find separate housing, it is necessary to contact a special service responsible for the safety of such socially disadvantaged families.

Important! A tyrant in the family is a serious problem that requires immediate resolution. If a woman has come to terms with her tyrant husband, it lies on her conscience, but what can expect children in such a family? They suffer, and when they grow up, they will make others suffer.

How to get rid of a tyrant husband - look at the video:

There are no hopeless situations, there is an inability to find a way out of them. You don't have to let your life drift. Only a strong personality is able to control its destiny. If you want to leave your tyrant husband, do it without looking back at your past life with him. Your best years are yet to come!

It is not easy for every woman who is going through a period of romantic dates to recognize a despotic person in her chosen one. One day, having married him and sharing a common path, she will realize that she unconsciously let a real tyrant into her life.

Tyrants are called power-hungry, aggressive and selfish men who always and in everything defend their rightness, do not listen to the opinion and desires of their spouse, trying to completely seize power over her through the use of violence (physical, psychological, sexual and economic).

How to recognize a tyrant in a man?

At the first stages of acquaintance with such a person, a woman may not even suspect that a real “wild beast” is hiding in her gentle and caring lover, capable of completely subjugating her and making her her “beating doll”. But over time, she begins to feel strong psychological pressure from him, excessive demands on her and their common children, notices an attempt to control all her actions and even the train of thoughts.

Consider other common signs of a male tyrant.

Harsh Lifestyle Criticism

The tyrant man is convinced that he knows better how to go through life and what to do in order to succeed. All ideas and attempts to make decisions independently on the part of the wife are suppressed by the tyrant husband. He criticizes her lifestyle, believes that she constantly chooses the wrong path in everything, often makes mistakes and takes ill-conceived steps.

The tyrant is sure that his task is to teach his wife about life. Therefore, he completely controls her, not allowing her to make her own decisions. The choice of a profession, place of work, the number of future children, the decision to take a loan, planning a family trip will completely lie on the “responsible” shoulders of a self-confident man.

It is impossible to please a tyrant man in anything. He will not be satisfied with everything: the volume of his wife's voice, her culinary skills, her friends and relatives, her hobbies and work. Such a person will always find a new flaw, which he will begin to find fault with.

Criticism of habits

A real tyrant will never let his wife dress the way she likes. He will not only control her actions, but also independently choose the style of her hair, the style and color of her everyday clothes, makeup.

In psychology, there are many cases when tyrant husbands made scandals to their wives, who decided at their own discretion to change their hairstyle or buy a suit without permission.

If a woman has long developed habits (admiring herself in front of a mirror, washing windows at the same time of the month, drawing on paper at the time of a telephone conversation, etc.), they will also be criticized by the tyrant, as they will annoy him .

The problem is that such a man is not allowed to accept his wife as she is with all her advantages, disadvantages, habits and individual characteristics. A tyrant man will always see flaws in a woman, which, in his opinion, need to be constantly corrected.

Showing Aggression for Complete Control

Tyrants can use different methods of “educating” their “wrong” spouse: from lectures that they will give for a long time for didactic purposes, ending with physical violence, severe beatings that cause harm to a woman. The tyrant man is convinced that "opening his fists" will only benefit his wife. With blows, he will be able to teach her to behave correctly and always obey him.

The manifestation of aggression rarely happens in the presence of strangers. As a rule, only with his wife does this person turn into a “beast”. Therefore, mutual friends, relatives and colleagues are not even able to suspect a catch.

Many male tyrants manage to control their spouse so tightly that she is afraid to admit to other people that she is suffering because of her husband’s behavior, does not dare to complain to anyone or seek help.

Decreased wife's self-esteem

Control is exercised not only through the manifestation of aggression, but also due to the regular lowering of the wife's self-esteem.

Constantly pointing out her shortcomings, the husband will sooner or later make her believe that no one needs her except him. If she decides to leave him, she will seriously regret it, as she will be left completely alone without work, food and a happy, prosperous life.

Convincing his wife that she will not be able to take even one step without him, the tyrant husband will humiliate her dignity, inspire her with her insignificance.

Creating the illusion of a "leash"

Even if a woman has a job with a stable steady income, she will experience a real fear of wanting to divorce this man. Under the influence of the ideology of her tyrant husband, she will worry about her future without him. Even if the spouses no longer have warm feelings, it will be incredibly difficult for her to leave him, as he will threaten persecution.

Some women (most often those who have children in common with a tyrant husband) suffer from remorse, fearing for the future of their children. Children bind her even more to her husband, so she is very worried even at the very thought of divorce.

Why does a man become a family tyrant?

Psychologists know several common reasons that can affect the transformation of a man into a tyrant:

Heredity. Most experts agree that the cause of male "tyranny" lies in his early childhood. It is possible that the father or other relative of this person was also once (or still is) a tyrant. Watching an older man, the boy perceives his behavior as "correct" and his relationship with his wife as "normal".

Even if the boy felt a sense of pity for his mother, tormented by the monstrous nature of his tyrant father, he can grow up to be the same "beast" in order to make amends for his mother on another woman. Of course, this happens at an unconscious level.

Spoiled, a sense of "permissiveness" and lack of rigor in the process of education. Sometimes a tyrant boy can grow up in a good-natured family, where parents always communicate with him and with each other gently and warmly.

If throughout his life he was pampered, given him a lot of freedom, did not limit anything, and constantly tried to please him, the child could eventually develop the habit of getting whatever he wants.

He will certainly transfer such behavior into his adult life and into relationships with his future family. And if the spouse does not want to indulge all his desires and requirements, one day he will force her to do it in any way.

Jealousy and inflated sense of ownership. When newlyweds get married, they enter into a conditional agreement between themselves that they will be assistants to each other in everything. However, for a tyrant man, a woman is not an adviser and a faithful "right hand" in life. For him, she is just property, a thing that he uses at his own discretion.

If this "thing" has problems or shortcomings, he will correct them. Of course, a tyrant man will not ask her permission for a correction, because for him she is only a “thing”.

Therefore, if an opponent unexpectedly appears on the horizon, wishing to “take away” his own “thing” from the tyrant, he will show more aggression towards her, repay her anger and resentment in the most cruel ways.

Self-doubt and self-affirmation at the expense of the weak. Also in psychology, there are cases when a quiet and shy person, unable to show aggression and take leadership positions in society among stronger people, “takes revenge” on his wife and children at home. They are weaker creatures for him, whom he can manipulate, whom he can offend and constantly keep in fear.

Tame the "monster" or leave it forever?

There are women among us who, faced with male tyranny for the first time, respond with a firm refusal to obey his demands, are not afraid to contact the police after physical violence, and lead a fierce struggle for their own happiness, health and life.

However, not every woman has a strong character. Among us there are those women who cannot say “no” to their husband, experience a feeling of strong fear of him, are not able to help themselves.

Undoubtedly, in a family problem, when one person takes complete power over another, the culprits are two: not only the tyrant husband, but also his wife.

Having a meek and modest nature, weak willpower, many fears and the inability to resist aggression, get out of the control of a tyrant, it will be difficult for a woman to do anything to get rid of the position of a “slave”. However, if she wants to change her life, something must be done.

Psychological help very important in this situation. The specialist will help analyze the essence of the family problem, understand the motives of the tyrant husband and his wife, study their relationship and open a new “door” for the spouses to radical changes. Based on each individual case, the psychologist will create a program that will help the woman (and possibly her man) overcome their psychological problems.

Liberation Step #1: Independence

As a rule, a woman is held back by one or several factors at once:

children shared with husband, whose life she is afraid to spoil with a divorce or other cardinal changes;
financial dependence(if a woman does not work and uses only the means that her husband earns);
Nice memories associated with the early period of development of relationships with her husband, when he did not show his character;
love feeling, which a woman still feels for her husband, despite his behavior;
sense of duty to her husband, forcing a woman to think that she is obliged to help him become the same;
hope that his behavior is only a temporary phenomenon associated with certain life events (for example, dismissal from work, death of a relative);
fear of being alone(when a woman is afraid that after separation from this person she will no longer be able to meet someone else);
fear of other consequences of divorce(for example: homelessness, separation from children).

The list of dependencies may not end there. All these factors are like chains holding a woman captive, not allowing her to change her life for the better. However, gaining independence in this situation will be a necessary solution. Psychologists advise starting small.

The task of the woman in this case will be to find all sorts of ways to completely psychologically, socially and financially separate from this person, to involve relatives and close friends in solving her problem who can support in this difficult situation, and also, possibly, temporarily provide housing, financial funds, etc.

All this is necessary in order to separate from her husband and to fence herself as much as possible from his influence.

Finding financial independence. If it is difficult to cut off contact with a male tyrant due to financial independence, you should find a job and start living on your own. Only in this way will you be able to declare yourself as an independent person, capable of making your own decisions and able to stand up for yourself.
Gaining psychological independence. If a woman still has strong feelings for her husband, it will be much more difficult for her to leave him. In this situation, it is necessary to look at the current situation from a new angle, weigh all the pros and cons, and also answer for yourself the questions “Does this person love you?”, “Is a loving person capable of acting the way your husband does ?”, “Are you and your children happy in a family with such a person?”.

The wrong side of the relationship is very important for gaining psychological freedom. If you realize that a strong feeling has passed, it will be easier for you to go for a divorce.

Step to Liberation #2: Divorce Process

Of course, divorce is one of the most effective methods of ending a relationship with a male tyrant. If you realize that nothing but pleasant memories connects you with him, it is better to take this step in time.

However, it is not uncommon for a tyrant not to stop harassing his wife even after the dissolution of the marriage.

It is imperative to tell relatives and friends about your problem so that they can support you in your decision, establish a reliable wall between you and a tyrant man. If your husband is persecuting you, but you have no relatives and close people who could help you, contact the police.

4 steps to taming the "monster"

If you would not like to see divorce as a solution to the problem, you will have to make changes in your relationship with your husband. At the same time, it is important to change not only the husband’s attitude towards you, but also change your own tactics of behavior.

"Taming" is a more difficult way out of the situation, requiring a woman's maximum patience, time, fortitude and ability to oppose. If you have never had to show willpower and object to your spouse before, you have to step over your own fears, remorse and principles.

To tame a tiger, a tamer in a circus uses rather harsh methods, including a method involving the use of a whip. Unfortunately, in the same way you will have to communicate with a male tyrant.

Tactic number 1. You should teach yourself not to notice reproaches and criticism from your husband, not to take them seriously. If a man begins to raise his voice and scold you for nothing, mentally disengage from this unpleasant situation, stop hearing and listening to his words, the sound of his voice.

Tactic number 2. If a male tyrant is manipulating you, use his own method and try to manipulate him as well. For each of his threats, you must have a “prepared” response in advance. If the situation comes to a standstill, when he begins to use force and threaten to beat him, call the police, ask neighbors for help, do everything to find help from other people.

Tactic number 3. Do not be afraid to object and argue with him, refuse him and oppose everything that is unpleasant to you. If he is "misbehaving", don't cook dinner for him or refuse to iron his shirts. The strike method can help not only in a situation with workers howling with management, but also in aggravated situations of family relations.

Tactic number 4. As mentioned above, most despotic men hide their "true" nature and features of aggressive behavior from the people around them. Try to take advantage of an opportunity (for example, when you and your husband are visiting relatives) and provoke your husband's behavior. Let him show himself in public.

Living with a Tyrant: Do You Need It?

In most cases, it is not possible to re-educate a tyrant man. This becomes feasible when he himself struggles with his character and tries to overcome his emotions, wants to change his relationship with his wife for the better and deeply repents of his actions.

Also, “therapy” will be effective if a woman manages to bring her husband for a consultation with a psychologist.

If you understand that it is impossible to make friends with a domestic tyrant, think about whether it is worth continuing to live together with this person? Often, it was divorce that allowed women to start their lives anew, take a different look at themselves and go with renewed vigor to the next stages of their life path, but without family tyranny.

If you have any questions, you can tell about your problem on our website, it will answer your questions on-line.

Tyranny in the family is a complex topic in family relationships that a woman herself can change. Being inside the situation, sometimes a woman may not realize that fate has connected a tyrant with her husband. Therefore, you should learn to identify such a man and decide how to proceed. For a tyrant, a wife is a victim to whom he will inspire her to be wrong in all life matters. A tyrant husband feels great if his wife is insecure, which allows him to manipulate her. He will definitely blame his companion for his failures, both large and small.

Often at a psychologist's appointment, when the conversation turns to domestic violence, women mean physical abuse. However, along with the physical, it causes no less trouble, which is hard for women to experience.

Types of behavior of a tyrant's husband

Psychologists note two types of tyrannical behavior:

- the first type includes men who could not realize themselves in the business sphere. Husbands who have failed to find their purpose at work can easily “try on” the role of leader at home. They tell loved ones what to do, while constantly criticizing. Such men want to emphasize their status in every possible way, because they are the head of the family. In turn, they expect total worship from family members;

- the second type includes men who have children's complexes. Complexes of this kind are often associated with resentment towards parents and classmates. The remaining child complex inside forces the man to hold on to a dominant position. This is due to the fact that the "child" inside the man is afraid of being offended in advance. This type of men constantly arranges showdowns and scandals, they are present everywhere: at home, at a party, in the supermarket. This is due to the fact that in this state he feels protected.

Signs of a tyrant's husband

Below are the most common signs of a tyrant. So, you can refer your husband to a tyrant if:

- he likes to put his wife in a dependent position, whether emotional or material;

- speaks impolitely about the relatives, friends of the spouse, and also limits her communication with her friends with all her might and wants the wife to give all her time and attention preferably to him;

- loves to criticize the female manner of speaking, dressing, painting, laughing;

- over time, it becomes virtually impossible to please her husband, nitpicking is constantly heard against her: she didn’t sit down like that, didn’t get up like that, she didn’t add salt or salted her food, she speaks too quietly or loudly;

- the husband loves to play a trick on his wife, and if he hears that this is unpleasant for his wife, he tries to convince her that there is nothing wrong with his actions, but her perception is already very critical due to increased touchiness and lack of a sense of humor;

- a man allows himself to humiliate, insult a woman with obscene words, forcing her to feel infinitely guilty of everything;

- after any conflict, the husband always blames his wife, and if a man did something wrong, then it is the wife who is to blame for this;

The man is not responsible for his words. He rarely fulfills promises, but from a woman he requires the complete opposite;

- naivety that a husband can be remade;

- the presence of small children;

- subconscious contentment with the role of the victim: no need to take responsibility for the family, make decisions, a woman enjoys scandals with subsequent reconciliation;

- financial dependence on her husband;

- lack of work

- memories of the initial good relationship and the conviction that the spouse will improve, becoming the same;

- lack of friends, relatives who could help;

- a sense of guilt for the fact that the spouse has become different;

- lack of self-confidence;

- to remain alone and misunderstanding what to do next.

If a woman sees a way out in continuing to live with a tyrant, then she has the following options for behavior:

The first is to submit in all things and to submit to your husband.

The second is to win back your position and be able to stand up for yourself.

The choice is only for the woman.

You can make life easier with a tyrant, but if you decide to fight back. To do this, you need to contact a psychologist, with whom to analyze each specific situation, drawing up a specific plan of action.

Psychologists advise not to take a subordinate position in the family, not to lower your head and not to give up slack. As soon as a woman shows weakness, the tyrant will go on the "offensive", so you need to become a strong personality and.

How to get rid of a tyrant husband

If life with a spouse has become unbearable, then the best way out is to end the relationship and get a divorce.

For this you need:

- to awaken selfishness and realize that life is one and to live it with a man who does not love and does not respect is stupid;

- it should be understood that a woman for her husband is just a victim, he does not see a person in her, therefore, without any problems, he splashes out all his negativity, insecurity and insolvency on her;

- you need to seriously consider your future plan and not take serious actions yet, but it will be necessary to create a financial airbag and search for housing. It is advisable for a woman to seek specific advice from a psychologist, since it is the specialist who will help to understand each specific situation, give recommendations on how to behave with her husband, how to stop his male cruelty;

- you will need to restore lost ties with relatives and friends, tell them about what happened, for what reason they stopped communicating with them. To do this, you should announce your problem in case you have to contact them for help;

- if there is no assault in the family, you can declare your intention to part directly. If the spouse does not give his consent, then it would be appropriate to seek help from a lawyer or a crisis center, where they will provide legal assistance and a roof over their heads;

- you should get a job, save up money for a future independent life without a husband;

- it is necessary to start communicating with people again and go out into society in order to escape from home, acquire new interests and acquaintances;

- if the husband is engaged in assault, you should pack your things when he is not at home and move out immediately. You can rent an apartment or seek help from friends, relatives, write a statement to law enforcement agencies;

- if a man has entered the taste of tyranny, then he will not stop, so there is no point in engaging in self-deception, believing that he will improve and be persuaded by such a person;

- when the decision is made, then you should seriously consider how to get away from the tyrant's husband and successfully implement the exit plan without negative consequences;

- if it so happened that a woman does not have the financial means to rent an apartment and relatives, then you can use the help of a crisis center, where they will give shelter and protect;

- do not be afraid that the ex-husband will begin to pursue. Often such people are cowards and are afraid of publicity for their actions. With a strong fear, you can move to another city and start life there. In any case, it will be better than continuing life, following the lead of your fears. You should also not endure beatings and bullying, for the sake of preserving the family for children. In such a family, children grow up unhappy. By staying in a tyrant's family, there is a high probability that children can repeat the behavior pattern of their family;

- to give yourself confidence, you should talk with women who have experienced parting with a tyrant. Among them, it is difficult to find those who are upset by the decision made. Most regret that they did not do this earlier.

The problem is considered a fairly common social phenomenon. Domestic violence is found in absolutely all social strata of society. Therefore, women need to remember that any psychological act of a violent nature is a crime. Various humiliations of the individual, insults, after a little time will only intensify and worsen. Hushing up this problem will not solve the situation favorably. First of all, women need to turn to family law specialists and psychologists for help, and they should also seek support from loved ones. You don't have to stop talking to your loved ones. Even if they can't help, it will give them a chance to talk and get psychological support.

It is often difficult for women suffering from violence to accept help from others. Often they are shy, ashamed and simply afraid to ask for help, so they are left alone with trouble. There are also people who do not know where to turn, suffering from domestic tyranny. If there is a need for an immediate response, then you need to contact the police. But it should be borne in mind that the police will not settle, which require a cardinal position from a woman. First of all, a woman should herself try to get rid of the emotional or physical oppression of her husband. Until a woman makes the final decision on her own that she is no longer a victim, changes in family life will not occur.

There are specialized organizations (crisis centers, social services) that provide assistance to women victims of violence. It is important that the telephone numbers of these organizations are always at hand in case of need.

A woman can give phone numbers to neighbors and children so that they can ask for help themselves if she is unable to do so at a critical moment.

Husbands who commit violence bear civil liability, administrative or criminal. It must be understood that before the tyrant's husband is held accountable, a lot of mental strength and time will be spent, but all these are trifles compared to what tragic consequences the silence of the problem can lead to.

The union of a man and a woman, in its essence, is one of the most magical aspects of life. In a relationship with a partner, we can reveal our most beautiful facets, learn new things, create a family and a new life. When harmony reigns in a couple, even conflict becomes just a stepping stone on the path to a deeper and happier relationship. But in reality, for some reason, we often, instead of the promised happiness, lose ourselves in relationships and feel not in the best way. Unfortunately, there are a lot of such unions. Unbeknownst to themselves, hundreds of women find themselves in a relationship in the position of a victim and suffer from the so-called covert violence. To an outside observer, such an alliance may seem idyllic. However, inside the relationship, slowly but surely, one partner slowly "breaks" the other.

"I don't like your friends and family"

The desire for power and total control is one of the signs of a person prone to violence (it does not matter whether it is psychological or physical). Therefore, as the relationship develops, you suddenly find yourself isolated from the usual social circle and even family.

The sauces under which this type of manipulation is served may be different. Your man may play on guilt by telling you how much he misses you when you're not around. Or, in a rude and sarcastic form, express your negative opinion about your sister, girlfriend, urging you to reduce or stop communication with them altogether. Or harasses you with calls, messages and suspicions of treason. Each meeting with friends or a trip to relatives becomes a test of strength and the subject of heated discussions, or the reason for his bad mood. Another characteristic sign of the beginning tyranny is the partner's requirement to coordinate all his plans with him, while he himself quite calmly contacts his close circle at times and places that are convenient for him.

There is only one unconscious goal - to deprive you of your usual support, human resource, and close your world and life on yourself in order to receive your portion of attention at any moment and establish yourself in control of the situation.

Flexible value system

Partnerships, in addition to the joy of intimacy and love, include a decent set of mutual obligations. We, as a rule, choose a person with whom we are united by some values and ideas about living together. However, in the topic of psychological violence that interests us, the following happens. Those values and rules of living together that were common turn into rigid obligations for one side and become very flexible for the other. So, suddenly it turns out that, speaking about the inadmissibility of treason, your man meant you, not himself. And one evening it turns out that he can come tired from work and be sad on the couch, and you must always be in good shape and radiate cheerfulness and fun. Gradually, such relationships turn into a kind of game with one goal: for one half, the burden of obligations is growing, while for the other, it seems to be losing its contours and dissolving into thin air. Whatever you do, everything turns out to be not enough and ends with new demands and constant dissatisfaction. At the same time, your own needs seem to cease to exist.

Down with self-realization

As someone wise said, life is a series of different events. Some of them bring joy, others - on the contrary. It is important for each person to fill his life with resources that help to relax the soul and become more resilient to the challenges of life. Someone likes to embroider with ribbons, and someone needs to visit a piano concert once a month or meet an old friend. All these resources ultimately make us whole, strong and free. The manipulator is not at all interested in such a partner, so he will try his best to “de-energize” you. So, your favorite hobbies, as well as close people who share them, are gradually relegated to the background, and eventually disappear from your life. And along with them, you gradually lose yourself and what energizes your internal battery.

"Have pity on me, I'm the most unfortunate"

A tyrant is a person who will never find satisfaction. For some reason, he carries in his inner world a huge emptiness or pain, which he tries to compensate for by total control over those to whom he is dear. Therefore, another characteristic feature of such people is constant complaints and discontent. In the fact that things go somehow wrong, he always has a culprit. And this does not depend on the scale of the “problem”: whether the faucet leaked at home, whether unemployment in the country. In the speech, statements of the manipulator, disappointment, sadness about missed (of course, not due to their own oversight) opportunities and deepest longing often come through. They love to complain and talk about their problems. They hardly find at least one person to whom they are sincerely grateful and joyfully talk about all the shortcomings of their former partners in life or business. Unfortunately, there is a stereotype in many women that frogs can really be taken out of their swamps and turned into princes. However, the statistics are inexorable - and people save themselves, as a rule, of their own free will and with great effort.

Fatigue

And this is a sign that signals to you that you have ceased to draw strength in a relationship. Although this - to become stronger and happier together - is another goal of the partnership, rooted in ancient times. The modern rhythm of life and the inability to cope with stress often lead to apathy and ordinary physical and emotional fatigue. But intuitively, each of us knows that relationship fatigue is a completely different phenomenon. In a relationship that slowly poisons you from the inside, sooner or later the goal of the manipulator is achieved. You are de-energized and exhausted, you no longer feel your importance and trust yourself, your whole life in some strange way is built around trying to satisfy the needs of another person. And you are no longer sure that you want anything at all and even have the right to want, including physical intimacy with your man. At this stage, many are trying with great effort to break out of the existing scheme, but often these attempts end in another “last chance” and the “victim-tyrant” relationship simply enters a new round.

I do not call to organize riots and destroy families, to rush into all serious. But if you are unhappy in love, then this is an occasion to think and, perhaps, find the strength in yourself to get rid of destructive relationships. True partnership is based on love and yet involves mutual exchange and compromises that do not destroy the integrity of a man or woman. If two adults love and respect each other, they will always find a way to agree and solve the difficulties that arise. After all, they are united by common aspirations to make their lives and relationships a little better, and not to exalt themselves by making less of the one who is nearby.

Marina Kabirova is a women's psychologist, personal growth coach, assistant in putting things in order in life.

16 948 0 Hello! In this article we will talk about what to do if the husband is a tyrant. Most women from childhood dream of getting married and building a strong happy family. Unfortunately, not everyone's dreams come true. Some women face a real tyrant on their way of life. What is the essence of the problem and what to do next?

Husband is a tyrant and a despod

A despot husband is a real chameleon and a subtle psychologist. Often a tyrant is not so easy to recognize at the first meeting. Outwardly, he may look like an exemplary family man: courageous, strong, caring, sparing no money for gifts, very appreciating and loving his woman. He hurries to take responsibility for his beloved and calls to marry after only a few months of relationship.

The enchanted girl falls in love with her ardent boyfriend, not noticing the first alarming bells, and falls into a real tyrant's trap, which is not easy to get out of.

Types of despots

Psychologists conditionally divide tyrants into three types:

Everyone is in control.

Where was? What did you do? With whom? How long? And this is not the whole list of questions that a girl should answer every evening to her “caring” husband. And God forbid, you evade an answer or do not get in touch in time! Expect reprimand and scandal.

Such a man torments his wife with jealousy, forbids communicating with any men, including brothers, classmates, colleagues and father. Yes, and friends are blacklisted, with whom a woman should immediately stop communicating.

But this is not enough, in addition to constant interrogations, the husbands of tyrants do not disdain to constantly check the phone, read SMS, check calls, and explore social networks. Nothing must escape his eyes. With maniacal persistence, he checks his wife's outfits, her makeup and hair: there can be no talk of any attractive image.

Constantly humiliates and insults.

This type of tyrant asserts itself due to low female self-esteem. In alliance with such a man, offensive words, caustic remarks, verbal humiliation and insults are a common phenomenon. A tyrant and despot husband will constantly poke his wife at her shortcomings and point out her mistakes. He's hard to please. Whatever a woman does, he will find something to become attached to: the dish is oversalted, put on too bright makeup or, on the contrary, dressed very inconspicuously, tastelessly, did not show herself in bed that way, did not immediately answer his SMS, etc.

Humiliation in such couples does not always occur in an aggressive or pretentious form. The tyrant may well say to his wife with a smile on his face and in a joking manner: “What a stupid thing you are, and who would marry you like that if it weren’t for me?”

Releases his hands.

The third type of tyrants is the most terrible, because such individuals can calmly raise a hand against a woman, often for no apparent reason, relying only on their mood. He never feels guilty, believing that their victim herself asked for it and deserved such treatment by her behavior. Despots of this type like to drink and often suffer from alcoholism, which only contributes to the development of their tendency to physical violence.

Of course, you can meet a bright representative of one type, but more often a tyrant is a mixture of two or three types at once.

Signs of a tyrant husband - 18 signs

You can identify a tyrant in the early stages of a relationship. To do this, you need to communicate with a person for a long time, meet on neutral territory, avoid intimacy, carefully monitor a person’s behavior and the slightest changes in his reactions.

However, women often begin to guess that they are in a relationship with a despot, having already exchanged wedding rings. How does a tyrant husband behave? ?

Total control over all households. Who communicates with whom, where he studies, works and where he goes, the tyrant must know everything about his wife and children. He makes all the major decisions in the life of his family alone, without asking the opinions of other members. Puts everyone before the fact, any attempt to challenge the decision is stopped, there are many prohibitions in the family. Often this sign manifests itself at the stage of courtship, when a man tries to control the social circle and life of a girl.
Excessive confidence in one's own authority, constant attempts to show a woman where her true feminine place is.
Increased control over the main areas of life: finances, property, storage of documents, etc. This approach makes all family members dependent on the tyrant.
The desire to subjugate a woman and put her in a dependent position. This is manifested in the prohibition to work, control of funds. Sometimes it may look like an order, and sometimes it is masked by concern for the health, beauty and psyche of the spouse.
Constant criticism of all family members, nagging from the tyrant. Everything is always done wrong.
Destroys the self-esteem of all family members, while he himself has an overestimated self-esteem.
Eternal questions: Where are you? With whom you are? Why so long? etc. Refusal of a detailed report provokes the manifestation of aggression.
Humiliation and insults: “Who needs you?”, “What would you do without me?”, “What are you capable of?”.
Periodic beatings. At the same time, he believes that the wife herself is to blame, brought him to her wrong behavior, and the victim really often considers himself to be guilty of what is happening.
He loves your tears and tantrums. He feels sincere pleasure from your crying, provokes tantrums, and then feels satisfied and may even ask for forgiveness.
Maniacal jealousy for every pillar, person, passerby.
Does not encourage your successes, treats them intolerantly, belittles merit, considers that it does not matter.
He never asks for anything, never apologizes, only orders, shuts his mouth and accuses.
Next to him, you constantly experience fear.
He speaks badly of other people. He constantly blames someone for his failures, looks for the guilty, asserts himself at the expense of others.
Restricts or prohibits communication with loved ones, relatives, friends.
Often calls, writes SMS, tries to control as much as possible by phone, rolls up scandals if they did not have time to pick up the phone or did not answer SMS.

The active manifestation of at least one point should already make you wonder if everything is in order with your chosen one and the relationship between you.

Causes of tyranny

Most often, the causes of despotic behavior are rooted in childhood. Perhaps the tyrant himself experienced all the charms of life with a despot and simply adopted the model of building a family from his parents or decided to recoup someone for his spoiled childhood. A genetic tendency to despotic manifestations or improper upbringing is also not ruled out, when the boy manipulated his parents, and they, in turn, indulged his whims.

Signs of a tyrant can wake up due to deep self-doubt and a desire to eliminate rivals in this way, excessive love for a woman, strong tension, a hard day at work, a high position in society, financial advantage, etc.

Why is it hard to leave?

So, it became clear that the person with whom you live is a real tyrant. You constantly think about how to get rid of his oppression and what to do. Obviously, the best solution is to walk away and leave the hurting relationship once and for all, but many women are hesitant to do so and live with tyrants for years.

It is very easy to condemn such women for indecision, but in practice the situation can indeed be difficult.

The fact is that the tyrant initially chooses a quiet, not ambitious girl, tuned in to building a family hearth, household chores and marriage as a victim. And he really gives her all this, and at first even more. A despot can beautifully look after, fulfill all desires, give gifts and indulge women's whims. He fits the image of an ideal husband and passionate lover.

Meanwhile, the patriarchal model is already beginning to be established in the family. And this may look quite adequate: a man earns enough money, a woman does housework. Children appear. Gradually, the entire environment of the wife is destroyed: friends, relatives, colleagues and just friends.

And even after the tyrant has shown his true nature, he can occasionally give his wife gifts and care, strengthening her belief that if she behaves correctly, he will improve. The main anchors that do not allow a woman to head for a new happy life are:

Desire and belief that the husband can be remade;
Children;
Subconscious satisfaction from the role of the victim: no need to make decisions, take responsibility for your life, special pleasure from quarrels and subsequent reconciliations;
Lack of work and financial dependence;
There are no friends and relatives to turn to for help;
Bright memories of a beautiful beginning of a relationship and a positive image of a husband;
Feelings of guilt for the fact that the husband has changed;
Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities.

How to get away from the tyrant?

If life with a tyrant and alcoholic husband has become unbearable, the best way out is to get a divorce and end the relationship.

First of all, wake up healthy egoism in yourself and realize that this man does not love you, you are just a victim for him, on which he can throw out all his negativity, insolvency and insecurity. Think carefully about your future plan, it may be worthwhile to postpone actions and start looking for housing, creating a financial airbag. It would be useful to seek advice from a psychologist. A specialist will help you understand yourself, give recommendations on how to behave with a tyrant, how to stop male cruelty.

Restore ties with friends and relatives, tell about what is happening to you, publicize the problem, so that in case of anything, you have someone to turn to for help.

If there is no assault in the family, you can directly declare your intention to divorce and if the husband does not give consent, seek help from a lawyer or a crisis center, where you can not only receive legal assistance, but also provide a roof over your head.

Stop wooing your husband and get a job, save up the amount that will be needed for the first time of an independent life. Improve your self-esteem, start talking to people and going out again, this will help you get distracted and acquire new hobbies and interests.

If your husband is hitting, pack when he's not home and move out immediately. You can rent an apartment on your own, ask for help from relatives or friends, to law enforcement agencies. If there are no close people and no opportunity to rent an apartment, you will always be sheltered and protected in a crisis center.

Do not be afraid that a tyrant ex-husband will begin to persecute you. As a rule, such people are very cowardly, and if you make the case public, he will not threaten you. If you are very afraid, you can eventually move to another city and start life from scratch. In any case, you should not endure bullying and beatings, following the lead of your fears.

In addition, do not hold on to the family for the sake of children. Can there be daily debriefing scenes and an atmosphere of fear in the family better than a quiet childhood with a happy mother, albeit a lonely one? Although, who said that you will not marry again, but already happily? Otherwise, your children may repeat the same pattern of behavior in their families or simply grow up insecure, downtrodden and unhappy. Do you want that?

To maintain confidence in the correctness of your choice, talk to women who have survived parting with a tyrant. Among them you will not find those who are dissatisfied with their decision. Many regret only that they did not do it sooner.

How to live with a tyrant husband?

If you see no other choice but to stay in this relationship, or blindly believe that your husband will improve, you have two behaviors:

Submit and obey your spouse in everything;
Reclaim your position and stand up for yourself.

Which option you choose is up to you. There are several recommendations from psychologists that will make life easier with a tyrant, but they are more suitable for girls who decide to fight back.

Consult a specialist (psychologist or psychiatrist). Each case is individual and in the psychologist's office, you can analyze exactly your situation and draw up a plan of action.
Stop violence and demonstrations of superiority in the bud. Tyrants are, in fact, cowards. Fighting back can scare them and reduce the number of attacks in your direction.
Despots are greedy for flattery and love to contradict. Take advantage of this. Do not ask permission to go to a meeting with a friend, say that you have already refused. There is a good chance that he will simply insist that you go to the meeting out of a sense of contradiction.
Do not give up, do not lower your head, do not take a subordinate position. The tyrant is only waiting for the manifestation of weakness in order to go on the offensive.
Become a strong person, love yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Start dressing nicely.
Take a self defense course.
Start working and saving money. In the most advanced cases, you can work from home.
Take care of your self-development.
Do not react to manipulation, but simply leave.
Provide yourself with a room with a strong door and a secure lock so that in case of emergency you can call for help and wait out a flash of anger.
Make the situation public, let everyone know that you are subject to tyranny. Talk to your loved ones, maybe they will agree to help you.
If your husband does not like the way you perform your duties, stop doing them altogether.

All of these rules work well if the tyrant is only verbally bullying you. Some things to avoid if your husband raises his hand to you:

Don't refuse to do your homework;
Don't give reasons for jealousy;
Don't threaten divorce or talk about leaving;
Do not make fun of your spouse's personal qualities.

How to prevent tyranny?

Of course, the best way to prevent tyranny is to build relationships correctly from the very beginning and take a balanced approach to choosing a life partner.

If you notice the first signs of tyranny after marriage, follow these rules:

Stop any attempts of control, pressure, humiliation, insults.
Don't quit your job and keep earning your living.
Don't be afraid to lose a man.
Don't hold on to good memories.

Remember, any positive change in your relationship with a tyrant is only temporary. A tyrant will never be able to re-educate, and a happy relationship will no longer work. So, is it worth it to turn your home into a real battlefield, to sacrifice your happiness and the happiness of children?

Useful articles: