Causes of family conflicts and their types. Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

In a family conflict, as a rule, both parties are to blame. There are several typical causes of family conflicts.

The six main causes of conflict in the family:

1. The desire of the spouses to assert itself in marriage in the role of the head of the family.

This idea is untenable, because it contradicts the basic principle of the family: to mutually support each other at the psychological and economic level. With the self-affirmation of the spouses, their relationship begins to deteriorate. Any request, statement or instruction is perceived as an infringement on personal freedom.

Exit: Spouses need to divide the areas of management in different areas of family life and lead jointly.

2. Selfishness of spouses.

At marriage, each partner continues to trail the old habits, friends and lifestyle. Misunderstanding in a relationship lies in the unwillingness of a spouse to give up a past life in order to match their new social status. Many do not want to accept that marriage requires a new way of life and ask the question: “Why should I give up my favorite activities?”

Exit: It is necessary to gradually include the spouse in joint family activities in order to gradually accustom him to a new social role and behavior. Direct pressure will not lead to anything good.

3. Instructions from one of the spouses.

One of the spouses constantly teaches the other how to live and behave. Instructions can relate to any area of ​​\u200b\u200blife together. This irritates the partner, leads to emotional stress, blocks attempts to be independent and develops a sense of inferiority.

Exit: Realize that every person has the right to judge their own behavior, thoughts, emotions and take responsibility for their consequences. Every person has the right to be his own judge. It is necessary to tactfully convey this idea to the instructing spouse.

4. Constant struggle.

Spouses are constantly in a state of tension, because the thought of the inevitability of quarrels has strengthened in everyone's mind. Family life is built as a struggle for victory in the conflict. Constant quarrels in marriage have long-term consequences associated with strengthening in a relationship of trouble.

Exit: Spouses need to rebuild the model of relationships and learn new skills of behavior in the family.

5. Mommy's son / daddy's daughter.

The problem is that the parents of the spouses are constantly involved in family life. Their instructions prevent spouses from building a personal relationship experience, because they are guided only by the recommendations of their parents, which are rarely subjective and useful for a young couple.

Exit: Limit parental intervention in personal life - stop discussions of family life. Don't complain about your spouse to your parents. Make all decisions about your own behavior in marriage and relationships with your spouse on your own.

6. Nervous concern and anxiety.

In some marriages, there is constant tension and concern in the style of communication between spouses. This leads to a lack of joyful experiences.

Exit: If one of the spouses is in a depressed mood, the other should calm him down and help get rid of the preoccupied mental state.

In a successful marriage, there is a feeling of joy and anticipation of even greater happiness. In order for this feeling to last, spouses must leave troubles and bad moods outside the home. When communicating with family members, it is important to always be in high spirits, share optimism and joy.

In every unpleasant event, it is important to be able to see something funny and cultivate a sense of humor at home. In difficult situations, when problems and troubles pile up, you need not to panic, calm down and consistently delve into the reasons.

Unfortunately, conflicts in families today are a very relevant topic. But the family for many people is the most valuable thing they have, which means that you need to do your best to save it and make the relationship as strong as possible. For this reason, we decided to devote today's article to typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

Typical family conflicts

So, from time to time, in almost every family, problem situations arise due to conflicting interests, motives and needs. These situations are, in fact, conflict.

Family conflicts can be different, i.e. those where spouses, children, parents and children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other relatives can act as opposing parties. However, conflicts between spouses and conflicts between parents and children are considered the most common - it is these that can be called typical family conflicts. Let's take a closer look at each of them.

Family conflicts: conflicts between spouses - causes and resolution

In most cases, conflicts between spouses arise because their needs are not met. The main reasons for such conflicts are:

• Incompatibility of spouses in psychosexual terms
• Unsatisfied need for confirmation of personal worth and disrespect of one partner for the self-esteem of the other
• Unsatisfied need for positive emotions due to lack of attention, understanding, care
• The tendency of one of the partners to satisfy only their own needs
• An unsatisfied need for mutual understanding and mutual assistance when it comes to issues such as parenting, raising children, housekeeping, etc.
• Different desires in spending free time and differences in hobbies and hobbies

In addition, there are special factors that affect marital relations - these are periods of crisis. It is believed that there are only four such periods.

The first period is the first year of family life together. This includes the adaptation of people to each other and the so-called evolution of feelings, when two individuals become one.

The second period is the period of the appearance of children. At this stage, there is a deterioration in the possibility of career and professional growth of spouses, a reduction in opportunities for independent self-realization that is not related to professional activities, a state of chronic fatigue of the wife due to caring for a child and can lead to a temporary decrease in libido, as well as a clash of views of spouses on the process of raising children.

The third period is the period of middle marital age, during which there are mainly conflicts of monotony, because. the constant presence of spouses with each other and receiving the same impressions affects the glut of people with each other.

The fourth period is the final period, which occurs in most cases after 20-25 years of marriage. Its causes are the feeling of loneliness, which is associated with the fact that children leave their father's house, as well as the approach of old age.

External factors, such as the constant employment of a husband or wife, families, the inability to acquire housing, send children to kindergarten or school, etc., can also have a huge impact on the emergence of conflicts between spouses. There are also social reasons, for example, a change in moral values, new views on the place of a woman in the family, economic crises, and so on, but this, of course, is already secondary.

The resolution of conflicts between spouses depends on what concessions they are ready to make for each other, what they are ready to understand and forgive (forgive me for the meme). And one of the main conditions, if the spouses really want to resolve the conflict, is the refusal to win in a conflict situation.

You need to understand that victory, if it is achieved due to the defeat of a close and dear person, is no longer a victory. No matter what the fault lies with a loved one, you must always respect him. Therefore, first of all, you need to ask yourself what is the reason for the specific behavior of the “second half” and what worries you the most. In addition, one common mistake should be avoided - to devote others to your problems: acquaintances, friends, neighbors and even relatives. In no case should you do this, because. the well-being of the family is in the hands of the spouses themselves - this is true.

Separate attention is also worthy of the most radical way to resolve conflicts between spouses - divorce. According to family psychologists, it may be preceded by three stages:

• Emotional - alienation of partners from each other, indifference, loss of love and trust
• Physical - living separately from each other
• Legal - documentary dissolution of marriage

Despite the fact that in many situations, divorce can save people from hostility, dishonesty, negative emotions and other things that overshadowed life, it can also have the opposite consequences - destructive. These are neuropsychiatric disorders, depressive states, childhood psychological trauma, chronic dissatisfaction with life, disappointment in the opposite sex, etc. Therefore, there must be the most serious grounds for divorce, and the spouses themselves must be sure that this is the right step that will only benefit.

Family conflicts: conflicts between parents and children - causes and resolution

Conflicts between parents and children are another type of typical family conflicts that occur no less than conflicts between spouses. The main reasons for such conflicts are:

• The nature of relationships within the family. Relationships can be harmonious or disharmonious. In a harmonious family, a balance is maintained between the psychological roles of all family members, and a family “We” is formed. In disharmonious families, conflicts between spouses, mental stress, neurotic disorders and chronic anxiety in children are observed.
• Destructive family upbringing. It is characterized by disagreements between spouses on issues of upbringing, inadequacy, inconsistency and inconsistency of the upbringing process, prohibitions on any areas of children's life and increased demands on children, as well as condemnations, censures, punishments, threats.
• children. They are defined as transitional stages from one stage of child education to another. Here, on the part of children, irritability, capriciousness, stubbornness, disobedience, conflict with others, for the most part, with parents, can be noted. In total, several age crises are distinguished: up to 1 year, 3 years, 6-7 years, 12-14 years and 15-17 years.
• Personal factor. This includes both parents and children. Speaking of parents, one can name conservative and stereotyped thinking,. If we talk about children, then we can distinguish low academic performance, behavioral disorders, inattention to the words of parents, selfishness, self-confidence, arrogance.

We can safely say that conflicts between parents and children are the result of the wrong behavior of both. Accordingly, such conflicts can be resolved in the following ways.

Firstly, it is necessary to improve the pedagogical culture of parents, which will allow taking into account the psychological characteristics and psycho-emotional states of children, due to age.

Secondly, families should be organized on collective ideas. It is necessary to find and define common development prospects, family responsibilities, family traditions, hobbies and passions.

Thirdly, verbal demands must certainly be supported by actions and educational measures, so that parents are always an authority and an example to be emulated.

Fourthly, it is required in every possible way to show interest in the inner world of children, to take part in their hobbies, concerns and problems, and also to cultivate the spiritual principle.

We can summarize what we have said as follows.

So that there are no conflicts in the family, you need to respect not only yourself, but also loved ones, not accumulate resentment and let as little negativity into your life as possible. Comments should be made gently and tactfully, and emerging problems should be solved together (children, if they do not concern them, should not be devoted to them).

Treat yourself and family members appropriately. Remember that you may not always be right. Strive for trust and mutual understanding, be attentive and responsive. Look for common ground, spend leisure time and relax together, engage in family creativity and, most importantly, do not let the pressure of gray everyday life paint over the most important thing in your life - love and good relationships with loved ones.

Advice and love, as they say!

Causes of conflict in the family

Many family problems did not arise yesterday. Nepol new families, divorces, marital conflicts, problems of single qualities existed in the past, but did not attract such close attention. In addition, the person himself has become more demanding in love, in spiritual intimacy and mutual understanding, in sex.

But everyone has their own path to happiness. Marriage is not guarantees a person complete happiness, resolution of all problemsstraightaway. Marriage is about building a relationship with your spousemi, relatives every day. The process of relationship building at the beginning of life together, i.e. mutual adaptation is needed. Adaptation period is a must ny stage of family formation. It may last for years or be short. Much depends on the desire, on the ability to go tomeeting each other.

Adaptation of spouses involves psychological closenessand emotional, establishing contact between all membersfamilies, defining the rules of communication and hostel.

It has already been said that people in families strive to meet the needs for love, children, understanding, etc. Most people take marriage seriously. They hope live a long and happy life together.

We will try to answer these questions in this chapter.

All people are not the same, and, as everyone knows, the attitude towards loveeveryone is different. Some understand love as sexual intimacy,others - as spiritual intimacy with a dear person, a friend. Many put personal needs first and seekXia use a husband or wife as a means of satisfying them.Such love is marked by consumer sentiment. In normal families, spouses devote their lives to each other and to children, strive to bring joy to a loved one, not deliberately upset anyone.

Young people often do not understand that family is a skilland the desire to give happiness to another person, a constant search ways to maintain relationships and love. It's a pity whengrievances have already overflowed the cup of patience and nothing can be returned.

How do conflicts arise?

Conflict is a clash of opposing opinions,attitudes, interests and needs. Each of us can identify several reasons that cause frequent conflicts you are in the family

Different views on family life;

Unmet needs and empty expectations;

Drunkenness of one of the spouses;

Infidelity;

Disrespectful attitude towards each other;

Unwillingness to participate in the upbringing of children;

household disorder;

Disrespect for relatives;

Unwillingness to help around the house;

Differences in spiritual interests;

selfishness;

Temperament mismatch;

Jealousy, etc.

These are far from all the reasons causing conflicts in the world.mee. Most often, there are several reasons, and the latter is not the mainnew. Conflicts can be divided into two types depending on their resolution.

Creative -represents a certain terpein relation to each other, restraint and refusal to offendny, humiliation; search for the causes of the conflict; mutualnaya readiness for dialogue, an effort to change the foldedrelations. Outcome: benevolent people are getting betterrelationships between spouses, communication becomes more constructive active.

Destructive -is an insult, humiliation:the desire to "annoy", to teach a lesson more, to shift the blame on another. Bottom line: mutual respect disappears, communication with each otherturns into a duty, often unpleasant.

It is worth recognizing that most destructive conflictsis caused by women. They are more likely than men to seekXia to do "out of spite", "revenge", "teach a lesson". Men are more oftentrying to bring the conflict to a constructive path, i.e. to findconstructive way out of a particular situation.

So, let's decide what is the basis for generating family conflict:

1. Unsatisfied need for self-affirmation.

2. The desire of one or both spouses to realize in marriagefirst of all personal needs (selfishness).

3. Inability of spouses to communicate with each other, with relatives, friends and acquaintances, work colleagues.

4. Strongly developed material ambitions in one or both spouses.

5. The unwillingness of one of the spouses to participate in the conduct before farming.

6. The presence of one or both spouses of inflated self-esteem.

7. The unwillingness of one of the spouses to engage in raising children or a discrepancy in views on the methods of education.

8. Differences in the ideas of spouses about the content of the roles of husband, wife, father, mother, head of the family.

9. Misunderstanding as a result of unwillingness to conduct a dialogue.

10. Different types of temperament of the spouses and the inability to learndetermine the type of temperament.

11. Jealousy of one of the spouses.

12. Adultery of one of the spouses.

13. Sexual coldness of one of the spouses.

14. Bad habits of one of the spouses and associated with them consequences.

15. Special cases.

These conflicts will be discussed in this chapter. But soBut I would like to note that any of the above conflicts has its resolution and, with the right, interested approach, does not lead to breaking family ties.

Ways to resolve conflict in the family

Often, after quarrels, a crack in a relationship remains for a long time, it hurts like an unhealed wound. This leads to divorce or a chilling relationship. One cannot give up on such conflicts, one cannot forget, one cannot suffer habitually and submissively.

What needs to be done?

Try to follow the following rules.

1. Try to determine the cause of the conflict. But try try to hear each other, to understand correctly. Most often the reasonovergrown with non-existent claims and nit-picking, for whichwhich do not see the true meaning of the conflict. Let firstthe initiator of the conflict is stealing - the offended spouse. Often his claims are a kind of call for help, this is how the actions of the initiator should be regarded. Moreover, more often than not he wants to improve relations in the family. Shouldn't be dismissed his emotional speeches, listen to claims and grievances without interrupting. But the initiator should also consider his words, not make vague reproaches, do not speak in hints. clear sphorussimulated, sincere speech is the best assistant in resolving nii conflict.

2. Conflict is not a reason to insult or try for child of another.Conflict should lead to constructiveto a business discussion of the problem. The goal is to establishfriendly atmosphere in the family, do not forget about itfor a minute. Conflict, quarrel is not equal to battle. 'Cause victory is herenot important, but it is important to build relationships. In this regard, it is impossible allow personal insults, pointing out shortcomings. Betterdiscuss mistakes, miscalculations, transgressions, and not personal shortcomingseach other. It is impossible to draw children, parents, who, neighbors, friends. A third person will necessarily, voluntarily or involuntarily, take some side, hardly outsiders people will be fair in assessing the situation. Unacceptable tie in the conflict of the child, since it is he who suffers more just from the quarrels of the parents. Also try to avoid being aggressive. behavior and increased emotional tone. If you behave calmly and with restraint, it will be easier for you to steal, as there will be no irritation.

3. In a conflict, the essence of disagreements is dereferenced, don't distract repent from discussing the topic, do not try to immediately figure out all the problems. May take a long time to figure out all disagreements. Discuss the most painful point of the relationship, carefully analyze all the nuances and errors. Do not make fun of your spouse's opinion, even if it seems ridiculous or absurd to you. It is important to understand each other's position.

4. Look for a compromise. The conflict arises because the soupFriends have different opinions, interests and have no desire, and sometimes they cannot give in, refuse them. Therefore, the conflict often does not fade for a long time. It is necessary to get out of the situation at least partially accept and fulfill the requests of the spouse. On the other hand, do not insist on the ideal, maximum fulfillment of claims, it is necessary to be satisfied at least partiallyconcession. Avoid childish stubbornness, outright selfishness ma- this leads to great controversy.

5. Show a sense of humor. Sometimes it helps smooth out conflict, but does not eliminate the discussion of the problem. You can also sometimes remain silent or ignore the attack of the spouse, feeling that he is upset and anxious. Have the courage to admit

if you made a mistake, you need to come up and apologize. Do not escalate the conflict over a trifle, as it can turn into a protracted war.

A few rules to get along

Rule number 1.Try not to go into conflict. Tell yourself if your spouse starts a fight: “Stop! Don't give in!" Say a kind word, hug and kiss so that your spouse thaws, comes to his senses. Remember: one or the other spouse must play the role of restrained and tolerant. Overcome your bad mood with something pleasant.

Rule number 2.Do not try to hide the offense, put it off until tomorrow. Talk about the essence of the conflict, do not remind of old sins.

Rule number 3.Consider the mood of the spouse, even if you are sure that he is wrong. It may not coincide with yours, so try not to demand that your desires be fulfilled when your spouse is in a bad mood.

Rule number 4.Do not reproach in order to cause confusion and force the fulfillment of this or that requirement by an onslaught. ing. Psychologists advise to act the other way around: “Do you want a reproach no - praise! This advance can bring good results.

Rule number 5.Before you tell your spouse about your offense, think one on one with yourself what exactly does not suit you. Often the cause of resentment is your fatigue, irritation.

Rule number 6.Learn to put up with each other. An allegory will help here. Get involved in the common work, using the unifying words “we”, “our”, “we”. Then sit down at the negotiating table, where it will be possible to admit mistakes.

Rule number 7.Show genuine interest in the person. Try to understand what worries your spouse. This will help avoid quarrels.

Ten tips to improve your family life

For husbands:

1. Bring flowers to your wife from time to time, take care of her, show sometimes insignificant signs of attention, tenderness.

2. Thank your wife for services, even if they are small.

3. Don't criticize your wife in front of strangers.

4. Admire sometimes the success of your wife, praise her.

5. Allocate money for her household so that she can spend it as she wishes.

7. Help around the house, cheer up when she irritated, tired.

8. Allow me to accept signs of attention from friends, acquaintances, do not make jealous remarks.

9. Refrain from comparing with your mother or your friend's wife in matters of cooking, housekeeping.

10. Spend more time with your wife.

For wives:

1. Make an effort to be friendly with your husband's relatives and mother.

2. Refrain from criticizing his friends, give him complete freedom in business.

3. Make concessions to avoid quarrels if views yours diverge.

4. Make an effort to make your home attractive and cozy.

5. Dress according to your husband's taste: as he likes.

6. Endure courageously financial difficulties, do not criticize your husband for mistakes.

7. Try to study the interests of your husband.

8. Cook for your husband with pleasure, diversify dishes, make surprises.

9. Live what your husband is interested in. Follow the news, new ideas of her husband.

10. Do not express dissatisfaction about when the husband gets up when he goes to bed. Do not insist on sexual relations.

Of course, using these tips, you will not avoid conflicts in family life, but they will become much less, and it will be much easier to resolve them.

Features of temperament and conflicts in the family

Each type of temperament is associated with a certain behavior of a person, manifested in his actions and deeds. The combination of different types of temperament can cause constant conflicts in the family. Consider all types.

Choleric

This is an easily carried away person, with violent emotional manifestations. Energetically takes on any business, but quickly cools down. Moves fast, acts fast. Can't do the same job for a long time. Often able to be distracted, switch from one thing to another.

Choleric cannot listen calmly and attentively to conversationsNika. Able to interrupt the conversation, intervene in the conversation of other people. He speaks loudly and quickly.

Such a person is capable of yelling at the interlocutor in a fit of anger, insulting him, but quickly calms down and, as if nothing had happened, can start talking again with the person with whom he recently fiercely quarreled. Choleric in any business wants get fast results. He also needs to be successful. If this does not happen, the choleric person can switch off and do the work somehow.

Such a person quickly learns a new business. He is energetic, stubbornly strives for the goal, can easily and quickly cope with the task, the meaning of which is clear to him and the end result is interesting.

A choleric person often changes his mood, he can be unrestrained and flare up over a trifling matter. If someone tries to sharply point out mistakes to him, he begins

get angry, make a fuss. If such a person feels that a scandal can achieve satisfaction of his needs, he will strive for them and deliberately arrange quarrels.

Phlegmatic person

By nature, calm and balanced. In conflict situations, he is calm and silent. His state of mind is not easy to understand and impossible to feel. He very rarely is the initiator of the conflict. Gives the impression of "thick leather." Often does not know how to communicate, is slow in society and at home. With limited time to work does not achieve success. It is quite natural that if such a person is scolded for slow behavior and punished for it, he will begin to feel defective and believe that he is incapable of activity. Thus, self-doubt develops and the mood for failure is aggravated.

Under duress, such people begin to believe that they are the worst at the task. All activity turns into a joyless duty, causing constant suffering.

Phlegmatic people are diligent, conscientious. They're hard to turn onto work: such a person thinks about the matter for a long time, estimates, slowly proceeds to it. But if he gets down to business, he will definitely bring it to the end and act with zeal, diligence. But he cannot be accused of slowness, cannot be urged on in work.

Such a person is more difficult to convince of the changes made in the work, and he is also more difficult to understand the innovations in his business. Therefore, interaction with him requires patience and endurance.

Phlegmatic is reliable in any business. For the work that he was assigned, you can be calm. But he quickly loses faith in himself, so he often becomes a loser, unprepared for creative activity.

Phlegmatic people are always conservative. They strive to maintain the established style and living conditions. Often afraid of change. The phlegmatic is not capable of a violent manifestation of feelings. He is scared off by sudden mood swings, although he is capable ofdevoted and strong love. The phlegmatic loves to be aloneat night: no one bothers him to think, does not rush, does not distract. He is freed from negative emotions that are caused by people who do not take into account the peculiarities of his temperament. Positive qualities possessed by phlegmatic people: diligence, accuracy, conscientiousness, patience, will, youtenacity, perseverance.

melancholic

Impressionable, vulnerable, deeply experiencing resentment Human. He is often withdrawn, shy, shy, unsociable. When a melancholic is upset, he can commit an unpredictable act. In stressful situations, such a person's will is paralyzed, he becomes constrained, sometimes insane. Poorly controls his behavior in this state.

Often these people develop suspicion, fear communication, the desire for solitude.

When offended, there is a strong excitement. Often a melancholic has low self-esteem. He does not like changes in his life, because he is afraid that people will defiantly behave with him, inflict insults on him.

People of this temperament feel more comfortableearlier, if others do not mock them, do not express an unkind attitude. In such an environment they are active, energetic. Achieve significant results value. They need to be protected from mental trauma.

The fear of resentment and reproaches makes the melancholic need to work conscientiously and efficiently. He himself will never look for a reason for a quarrel, will not provoke a conflict, so how he needs an environment devoid of psychotraumatic facts tori.

sanguine

Active man. Mobile and at the same time balanced, calm, he often smiles, acts openly and kindly. Sanguine is an optimist, he passionately loves life in all its manifestations. Always busy with something, not sittingwithout causes. He often does what he loves, that is, he has a hobby bi, to whom he devotes all his free time.

Such a person is often the soul of the company, he is a communicable, easily converges with people. Can always enthusiastically distalk about your interests, believing that it will be interesting to blame those around you. Takes failures lightly, often not confchants, but can make claims if he feels that hisinfringe in the matter that interests him. Sometimes only listens to himself, ignoring the reproaches of his spouse. Thinks it's nonsense.

Temperament types cannot be divided into positive and negative. Especially since people with pure temperament we do not happen, and in the process of growing up people their temperaments you are undergoing change. But knowledge of temperament allowsto understand the behavior of your partner in the family, it helps to correct but choose a means of communication. Determining the type of temperament, it is also possible to make a prediction regarding the features of the mutualrelationships, correct the behavior of the spouses.

For example, if both are phlegmatic, life will definitely stable. Such couples are rarely separated, divorced. SuchFamilies rarely have conflicts. But they can often find is in a state of cold war, so it is necessary to avoid lingering misunderstandings.

If only one of the spouses is phlegmatic, and the other is cholerick or sanguine, then the conflict may arise due to the fact that the phlegmatic is not able to violently show feelings and he can be scared away by the violent caresses of spouses with a different type of tempera cop. And then there are reproaches of insufficient love and withoutdifference to spouse. It must be understood that such reproaches are unfounded. polite and lead only to aggravation of the conflict. It is necessary to correct the behavior of both spouses, to find a compromise (see "Ways to resolve conflicts in the family").

If both spouses are choleric, then we can expect increased conflict in the family. If only one of the spouses is choleric, and the other is phlegmatic, then irascibility and impatience are oneothers may stumble upon the endurance and even mood of othersTogo. The choleric calms down, and a quarrel does not arise. Although in Depending on the situation, he can break loose, scream. This does not happen when there is mutual understanding between spouses. If both spouses melancholic, the situation may be complicated by the fact that they will They will experience deeply the events that take place around them. If a melancholic encounters a choleric or sanguine person in the family field, then their harsh or inattentive word can lead to a cooling of relations between spouses. You need to be careful in your statements.

Sanguine people take life quite lightly. This may atlead to conflicts based on jealousy, and may alsoresentment due to a seemingly easy attitude to other people's problems.

Table 19Possible favorable and unfavorable alliances

Man Woman	Choleric	Phlegmatic person	melancholic	sanguine
Choleric
Phlegmatic person
melancholic
sanguine

"+" - positive (favorable), "-" - negativenye (unfavorable).

Of course, these combinations are only approximate, as temperament leaves its mark on education. So not a hundred um make a choice according to this table. It is given only in order to determine in which families, due to inconsistency Temperaments can cause conflicts more often.

Give in!

If in a family both spouses or one of them does not know how to give in, is not able to take a step forward, then this, most often, leads couples to divorce. Psychologists believe that both spouses should give in. But the first to give in is the one whounderstands that confrontation leads to divorce. You can’t assume that giving in means being under the heel, losing your individuality, pride, become unhappy in family life neither. Often this is formed in the family of parents, where the child defends his rights with cries, silence, threats.

It is vital to learn endurance, the ability to persuasivelydefend your point of view. It is also necessary to give logical arguments in a conversation and reduce emotionality. speech. If you can't convince your spouse, stop the useless argument. Do not turn family discussions into scandal, quarrels, youclarification of relationships. Learn to respect each other.

If your desire is directed to the establishment of blapleasant environment in the family, then it is necessary to yield to the spouseat least in terms of requirements.

There are situations in which the concession of one of the spousesgov is necessary, vital.

Here are some of them.

1. The spouse is depressed, experiencing a severe emotional crisis, feeling insecure. Doesn't make contact mu that he is angry, but because he is offended and thinks that he is unloved and unhappy.

2. The spouse is really right in his claims, so he does not make contact. Be courageous, find strength in yourself admit a mistake, a mistake. Sometimes it's enough to reconcile not How many words of love and simple attention. Sometimes a conflict needs to be resolved through a serious conversation. First the step is taken, of course, by the one who made the mistake.

3. Sometimes, in order to solve a complex problem, to get out of a protracted conflict, it is enough for one of the spouses toget along contact with others, as well as find a compromise, a way out of situation (see "Ways to resolve conflict in the family" and "Ten Tips for a Better Family Lifestyle" ) . Therefore, give in if you feel that the conflict is leading to a break in relationship. sheny, to divorce.

Remember that it is the strong, the wiser who gives in most often. a person capable of empathy.

Self-esteem

Every person from childhood has a certain ideaabout yourself, about your strengths and weaknesses, about your opportunities. This view continues throughout life. From childhood, parents evaluate the child, later - the surrounding people. As a result of introspection and external causes, given above, any person develops a self-esteem ka. It can be overestimated, underestimated and adequate. Self-esteem affects the relationship of a person with the environmentmi people and the choice of means of self-affirmation.

A person with low self-esteem is shy, undecidedflax, cautiously joins in various affairs. He evaluates his capabilities and successes below their real state. Here by develops the capacity for self-criticism.

A person with high self-esteem is unfriendly fromrushes to the surroundings. He often overestimates his realopportunities and success. Such a person values ​​himself more thanhe is valued by the people around him. It's hard for such a person to behappy, because he is constantly dissatisfied with something - living conditions, environment, realization of their desires. To him It's not easy to change your self-image. This requires great the efforts of the person himself and those close to him. To change, you need my time and sometimes the help of a psychologist.

A person with low self-esteem is also often difficult. Heafraid to get involved in reality and communication. It seems to himthat he is haunted by failure, failure. Much of it is associated with negative experiences. Often such a personfor in a wet place", a bad mood, and this exacerbates the rejectionrespectful attitude towards him. And the circle closes.

If the partner is delicate, does not make harsh remarks, does not pay attention to mistakes and tries to calm the spouse, to convince him that nothing terrible is happening and everything will be fine, then life can become happy and stable.

A spouse who lives with a man who underestimates himselfyou need to know: such a person is convinced in the depths of his soul thatthat there is nothing to love him for, so he puts on a “mask”, tries to be cheerful, talkative, sometimes even arrogant. Consider this behavior when communicating, when solving problems.

A person with adequate self-esteem knows exactly what he is capable of, and gets down to business when he is sure of success.

Psychologists are convinced that spouses with adequate self-esteemincapable of domination and subjugation. They are most often partners and are at the same level of development, support each other. Schematically, this can be represented as follows:

Option 1

Then the scheme of the life of the spouses, among which one with female self-esteem, looks like this:

Option 2

Here it is necessary to strive for an equalization of positions, forholding a spouse with low self-esteem. It will be useful to readpublish the article "10 tips to improve family life" andadhere to its recommendations in a certain period of time.

It is necessary to strive for partnership (option 1).

Scheme of the life of spouses, among which one is overestimated self-assessment looks like this:

Option 3

Here, too, it is necessary to strive for an equalization of positions. Initially, it is necessary to talk about the current situation, for To do this, read the article "Ways to resolve conflict in the family." After that, establish certain rules under which the boopartnership is possible and necessary. Allocate obligedand discuss thoroughly situations in which fusscabins of misunderstanding. The process is lengthy. Need to strive to option 1.

A variant in which one spouse has an overestimated self-esteemka, and the other is underestimated, is rare.

The scheme is:

Option 4

Marriages most often break up, as the subordination of one and the dominance of the other leads to mutual discontent. Help maybe a psychologist.

selfishness

This is one of the most common causes of conflicts. in family. In such a family, the wife or husband thinks only of themselves, of their their needs, regardless of the interests of others. A wife, for example, may feel that she has made her husband happy by marrying him. Also, in almost all divorced and conflicting couples, the spouses do not understand why the other half is not happy with them, since they do not feel guilty.

Almost all people evaluate the actions, actions and behavior of others from the standpoint of their own needs. If at the same time some are still not able to understand the motives and desires of others, this leads to misunderstanding and gives rise to conflicts. As a result - the belief that the marriage was unsuccessful.

Often in families where selfishness rules, one family member (wife or husband) is subordinate to another. It is by submission that he tries to satisfy the needs of the “ruler”. Often these needs are material. Then the subordinate looks for a second job, tries by any means to “get” money, but, as practice shows, all the same, the requirements only increase. As a result, people begin to suffer, feel unhappy, envy others.

It is in such families that conflicts are not uncommon. But most often, the resolution of these conflicts does not lead to creation, but, on the contrary, destroys families. Because the requirements of the subordinate remain unheeded, especially since it is he who, in most cases, compromises.

The ruling one is strengthened in the opinion that the spouse is wrong, since he agrees with the requirements and conditions.

Before just such a course of life leads to the development Well, quite a lot of time has passed. And they come to the cape most often, both spouses are about to break up, since one cannot cope with the ever-increasing demands of the other, and the second does not agree to “tolerate” and infringe on oneself in one’s desires, that is, to limit one’s needs.

If you recognize yourself in this article, try to have a serious conversation with your loved one. Don't let the situationon its own, don't tell yourself that everything will calm down in time, settle down. No, this will not happen. Conversation try to prove sti, adhering to the scheme given in the article "Ways to resolve conflicts in the family." Do not despair if you do not come to a mutual understanding from the first time - the conversation will not be useless.Do not give up trying, try to repeat the conversation with anotherenvironment after a while. Give the person a chancethink about the situation.

The cause of conflicts in the family is jealousy

Jealousy can be called a companion of love. It brings with it anxiety and doubt, envy and anger, suspicion and heartache.

Basically, jealousy is natural. But sometimes it takes on hypertrophied forms, even turns into a bo laziness. It cannot be said that jealousy arises from love. More often just jealousy hides possessive feelings, especially when it requires punishment, deprivation. Love is okra shena with completely different feelings - trust, desire for happiness stya beloved (beloved), etc.

If jealousy nevertheless arises in love, then it is painted in silent despair, sadness, suffering, and is drowned out. recognition and trust.

Psychologists note that spouses who, out of jealousy,follow their wives, often cheated on them themselves. But they do not attach importance to their own betrayals, and perceive their mistresses are cited as possible parallels to the wife. And although such a husband can ben is desperately jealous, most likely he does not love either his mistress or his wife and considers them both unfaithful.

Jealousy is often inherent in people who are suspicious, incredulous.you who see tricks and deceptions everywhere. They believe that Trouble someone deliberately rigged.

A spouse who is jealous often makes scandals, trying to cut off all possible contact with his wife. (husband) with other people. From such a situation in the family suffering both husband and wife, therefore, in the interests of both spouses - according to to be able to create a friendly atmosphere in the family, from chase jealousy. More often, jealousy appears where there is no complete frankness in conversations and deeds. This often leads to parting words like: “Full frankness harms the family. Don't tell your husband." Education leads to the same result. benka (most often the first-born) in conditions of permissiveness, in which mom and dad are completely dependent on the same the baby's laments. They become his property.

This can even lead to a kind of disease: pathological jealousy.

Jealousy that goes beyond natural limits is patological. A person with such a disease is often enoughany suspicious look to convict the spouse of unfaithfulnessness. He will look for treason everywhere: in the avoidance of intimacy, in a careful look at an outsider man (woman),insisting on intimacy (means cheating). Such jealousy can develop into delirium, in which there is no real reason at all.

The jealous one thinks up situations, develops them, lives by them.In medical parlance, this is called the “third party syndrome.” It is useless to influence such a person with the arguments of reason.But. You should definitely seek help from a doctor.

If this is not done, then the tragic ending may bejealousy crime. Often a companion of such steps is alcohol.

Women and men channel their aggression differently through jealousy. Women are aggressive towards love tse. Men direct aggression to the "changed" wife.

What should not be done in these situations?

1. It is impossible under the pressure of a pathologically jealous spouseadmit your guilt. Even if he (a) assures that then everything it will be good and calm. This will not happen, everything will resume with more power.

2. You can’t dream and imagine scenes where you playplayed the role of a jealous spouse, as well as to talk seriously and long on this topic. You can't "wind" yourself.

3. You need to control yourself, calling on the mind to help. Force yourself to understand that scenes of jealousy will not keep your loved one close to you, but turn him away from you.

4. You need to cultivate self-control. You need to be able to relax. If necessary, you should consult a doctor for help.

5. You need to trust your spouse, try to establish a friendly atmosphere in the family.

adultery

Adultery is one of the most common causes of divorce. What pushes spouses to change? There is an opinion in society that they change when they meet a new one, all-consuming love.

But according to statistics, in the first place the cause of infidelity is drunkenness and corresponding uncontrolled behavior. In second place is curiosity, the desire for new sensations. On the third is the lack of endurance during a long separation. In modern society, the marital triangle is common. Psychologists believe that such a "triangle" concerns half of all married couples to a greater or lesser extent.

Previously, men were inconsistent. Now the number of betrayals on both sides has become equal.

A cheating husband can be an egoist who thinks only about satisfying his needs, the rest is deeply indifferent to him. Maybe a person who challenges, assuring that he loves his wife, is not going to part with her, but “he was born like that” and cannot do anything about it. There are also those who run away from the hostile environment at home, trying to find warmth and comfort on the side. And finally, seized with passion, who are usually tormented by conscience. Such husbands try to make amends, become super-attentive, and prevent all the desires of their wife.

As a rule, girlfriends of married men are much younger than their wives. But it's not just age that attracts husbands. They wantprove to yourself that you are still capable of attracting attention. In more than 75% of cases, men do not find what they expected in a random partner, and begin to appreciate their wife more. They are not leave the family, and after leaving, they often return. But still, evenif reconciliation occurs, a shadow of mistrust and resentment remains.

Why do women cheat? There are several reasons here too.The husband may be to blame: he could not become a lover for his wife, she does not feel happy. It happens that a woman experiences more pleasure from sexual intercourse with them a fan. She thinks this is the best option.

In fact, such admirers are gallant with other women, and humiliate their wives. In addition, the trouble with many women is that they do not notice the attention of their spouse, and the comp The lover's liments seem to them proof of love. But alsodi women meetings on the side bring disappointment and eel zenia of conscience in 90% of cases.

Most people believe that infidelity is a reason for divorce. It is believed that it makes no sense to keep the family. Psychologists do not agree with this opinion. Can't give in emotions, you can not chop off the shoulder. Of course, cheating brings a lotgrief. However, those betrayals that occurred through the fault of frivolitylia, weaknesses of character, do not threaten marriage, but testifyabout disrespect for your spouse.

It's not a disaster, it's just an alarm, a crack in the soupruzhesky relations. And now it depends on the husband and wife, will whether it expands or scars. Later, most spousesgov thanks to common sense are not divorced under a hot hand. They believe that an unpleasant “episode” happened in life, from which both drew the right conclusions. good marriage with a strong foundation will not hurt too much by an accidental betrayal, it can strengthen the bonds of marriage, as it helps to feel how spouses need each other.

You don't always have to tell your spouse about cheating. Undoubtedlybut frankness is bound to accompany marriage. Even if sheaccompanied by tears and quarrels. But this frankness should notshould be expressed in a contemptuous attitude towards the spouse, should notto be bravado, the desire to deliver pain. Need to bedelicate and respect the feelings of the spouse. And in order not to arise desire to change, you must be attentive to your spouse,be interested in his life, his inner world.

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

Any intra-family situation can theoretically become a conflict. It depends solely on the behavior of the spouses during the conflict.

When partners react sharply to any contradiction and try to prove their case, we are dealing with a conflict. However, if a difficult situation is discussed calmly and kindly, the spouses strive for reconciliation, and not to find out who is right and who is wrong, then the seriousness of the conflict is significantly reduced.

Three of the most unsuccessful tactics of behavior in a family conflict:

1. The position of an outside observer.

An example of a conflict in the family: a wife found her husband's complete indifference to a broken tap. She silently waits for her husband to guess to pick up the tools! Most often, the wait is delayed and an explosion occurs.

2. Open conflict.

Another unsuccessful way to resolve the conflict: a quarrel with reproaches, mutual claims and insults.

3. Stubborn silence.

This method consists in mutual stubborn silence, when both sides are offended by each other, but no one goes to discuss the problem. In this case, the spouses are seized by a feeling of self-pity, anxiety and resentment.

All of the above behaviors are not conducive to resolving relationship problems. In order for the family to become a reliable rear for the spouses, they must receive moral and psychological support from each other. In order for mutual trust to arise, it is important to be able to listen, understand and go towards each other.

Good ways to resolve conflict:

1. Open and calm dialogue.

Spouses should strive to meet each other halfway. It is important to discuss the current problem constructively, without accusations and reproaches, with the search for the best solution for both.

2. Understanding the partner.

Spouses should avoid negative tactics, such as ignoring, self-centeredness, belittling the personality of a partner, and use constructive ones: active listening to a partner, understanding what is said and left unsaid by him.
3. Ability to change.

It is necessary to be able to take steps towards a partner, change your position and views as the marriage makes its new demands.

4. Emphasize the importance of a spouse.

Expressing gratitude to your partner and that he is valued, respected and admired is one of the most effective ways to position your spouse in your direction, to be heard and to achieve mutual understanding on almost any issue.

The trust of a partner can be destroyed, due to the fact that his experiences are not taken seriously, are considered unimportant, insignificant, not worthy of attention. If the experiences of a partner become the subject of ridicule and jokes.

When it seems to us that we are not understood, we feel alone. Hands drop, and the desire to communicate and discuss something important disappears. So the spouses begin to move away from each other and cease to be one.