Signs for widows and about widows - mysticism or reality? "Time to move on." "Widow's Sign" - what to choose
Svetlana:
- The older I get, the better I understand that all the recipes are in old fairy tales. The most famous is probably the recipe for happiness: they lived happily ever after and died on the same day. In childhood, we pay attention to the first half of this phrase.
The second, like any talk about death, we prefer to ignore. You understand the wisdom of the second half of the wish on the day when your “happily” ends. A loved one dies, and you stay to live on.
Some time after I was widowed, I started having blackouts. I lost things, forgot names, got confused in events. I was so afraid of going crazy, I didn’t understand what was happening to me to such an extent that I kept it to myself.
I felt that the people around me who supported me hope that I will come to my senses, stop killing myself, accept life as it is, and "I will live on." And I tried very hard to justify their expectations, I no longer remembered aloud, I did not cry in public. I didn't even have the strength to do the usual daily chores. Not only favorite work, but also the most ordinary things were done with great difficulty and strong-willed tension.
That day, I lost my bank card and nearly ruined an important meeting. It was one of the usual heavy and stupid days of the first half of the year after the loss. In the evening I went to the store and near the cash register, in the box “All for 30 rubles”, I saw the book “Widow to the Widow”.
The book opened at the chapter "Where did I leave my head?". And I cried because at least someone understands me, and I bought a book.
After the first anniversary of Volodya, I made a rather detailed summary of the book and posted it in LiveJournal.
They squeezed out"Hold on" and disappear
Anna:
– We met Sveta on LiveJournal, and when we started talking for real, we learned more about each other, the image never left me: there is a minefield, and the first sapper is Sveta. And I follow her and step where, most likely, you can go.
When Sveta posted a summary of the book Widow to Widow in LiveJournal, my husband was still alive, but we knew that he would die soon.
It so happened that even during the life of my husband, I was faced with the helplessness of those around me - they did not know how to support us.
My husband's illness was long, in the last nine months she gave severe neurological complications. I don't think I need to explain what that means. Friends came, hid their eyes, sometimes cried, squeezed out of themselves: “Hold on, call if anything,” and disappeared. Now I'm not offended, it was really very hard for them, especially given the lack of personal experience - and the lack of a tradition of verbalizing sympathy and organizing practical help.
When I saw Sveta's summary, my first thought was: yes, this is what we all need. And a week after my husband's death, I shared this summary with friends, adding a clear message from myself: "I want you to be by my side, and for it to be useful for all of us." I believe that by doing this I saved myself from many - sincere, but deadly - remarks in the spirit of "Hold on, you are strong, you have a son, everything will pass, a whole life ahead, Denis is with you", and saved my friends from the feeling of being unable to help, which becomes the cause of such remarks, and from the feeling of excruciating awkwardness that follows.
Anger and anger are terrifying - after all, these are “wrong” feelings
Svetlana:
– Genevieve Ginzburg was not afraid to write about what terrifies every widow. That the very first feeling that you experience when you realize that widowhood and the loss of a father is what happened to you and your children is great anger and anger.
I have lost my husband twice. For the first time - when there was an extensive right hemispheric stroke. That adult, caring, ironic and loving person with whom I lived happily for five years, the father of our two-month-old daughter, died after a minute of oxygen starvation of a part of his brain.
Our daughter was no longer familiar with him, the consequences of ischemia for his character were irreversible. For seven years in a row, almost daily, excusing his actions, I had to say to myself and others: no, this is not Volodya, this is his illness. This was neither a feat of great love, nor a high understanding of duty. I did not consider other options than to remain a family during these seven years.
And it was not that I took vows at the wedding, although I am sure that without God's blessing our marriage would not have been possible. He never fully recovered either physically or emotionally. But he saw how my daughter grew up, he continued to be her father and my husband.
And then Volodya broke his femoral neck, and the second blood clot after the operation or during it burst in the lungs and caused thromboembolism. He spent ten days in a coma. And five of them I knew there was no hope. That one can only pray for a quiet, shameless and painless death. And I had no meekness, no humility, I was furious that this happened to him, to me, to my daughter. That he is leaving us, leaving us again, leaving us forever just when we need him so much!
It doesn't last long, but help, Lord, every widow these days. Because in addition to pain and anger, she feels shame, realizing that these are “wrong”, unworthy feelings.
Don't let the wife choose the lining of the coffin alone
Anna:
- The main thing that I repeated when I came to the cemetery in the first two years was “How could you, how dare you?” During the illness, this was not the case, at first Denis fought, and his energy and courage kept me in good shape. In recent months, it has not been up to that. And after death, resentment and anger did not allow breathing: you were always strong, you promised to love and protect me all my life, how could you leave all of us and blame everything on me?
... I am happy - friends rallied around our family so that forty days after the death of my husband is probably an example of how it should be. All logistics, all movements - not only mine, but also the parents of my husband, my mother, our son - were not thought out and organized by me.
In the process of organizing the funeral - and this is a terrible process in its everyday life - they called me only when it was really impossible to make a decision without my word, and someone was always standing nearby, ready to pick up, hug, give medicine. Finances - there is not even anything to say here, the amount of assistance was large.
I remember, at the funeral service, I thought - but now I can fall in any direction, they will catch me right there. And the realization of this also supported.
And even with such powerful, comprehensive, intelligent support, it was hard for me. My reaction to the absolutely tactful and appropriate question of my husband's colleagues - they organized a civil memorial service and commemoration - is difficult to describe. I was asked what I want, as I see fit (I think where to put the coffin during the memorial service). What was I thinking then? Do not dare to use the words "coffin" and "Denis" in the same sentence. I don't want to hear about it. I want not to be. Not to see that you are alive, but he is not. This was expressed, of course, in tears: further water, medicine ...
I dread to imagine what widows have to go through without the support that I had.
... Transfer money, cook food, offer to eat (not the fact that it will work out, but it's worth trying). Be sure to be nearby in the morgue, in the cemetery. Do not allow a woman to choose the color of the lining of the coffin alone, talk to the cemetery administration alone, or pick up the urn after cremation alone. To be near handkerchiefs, water, the right medicine, a warm jacket. And do not try to give logical or comforting answers to the questions: “Why him? Why us? How could this happen? They are not, these answers.
Here - never again
Svetlana:
Anna:
– After forty days, the movement around subsides, that supporting noise that did not allow you to be left alone. These forty days seem to carry you in their arms. Friends and relatives mourn nearby.
After forty days, everyday life comes into its own, it calls people back to itself. Yes, and that's when the realization comes: "Here - never again."
You can believe or not believe in God and eternal life. I believe, and still with faith and hope I pronounce the words "I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the age to come." But this belief does not negate the fact that here - never again. The warmth of the body, the smile, the voice - you will never feel them again.
As the fullness of intimacy between husband and wife is inexpressible in words, so the horror of this loss, both bodily and other, is inexpressible in words.
Bad temper and cleaning the ranks
Svetlana:
- Then the widow learns to make decisions: from very serious to everyday ones. No matter how independent she was before, during this period she will inevitably reach a new level. For many widows, the personality will change so much that it will affect interpersonal relationships. People around will talk about the spoiled character, the widow - about cleaning the ranks. And then some new life strategy will be developed that will really allow you to “live on”. According to Ginzburg, this takes an average of two years.
The main thing that remains in the mind and heart after reading this book is that I will survive. But I will need time. A lot of time. And self-compassion, shameless self-pity and understanding of the need to save energy.
More than six years have passed since I read the book. I have never come across such honest and practical books on this sore subject. To be honest, I haven't seen any other books on the subject at all. Neither translated nor written in Russian. I pay attention to it. And I see that even in books and films, the widow is rarely any kind of registered character. Widows under 60 seem to be found only in books about war and classic literature.
The widow's difficulty in adapting to her new social role is also increased because society refuses to acknowledge that such a role exists. That a widow is not necessarily an old woman in a black headscarf.
"Widow's Sign" - what to choose
Anna:
- I remember that at first I really wanted to have some kind of sign that would notify everyone that I was a widow. I did not have black clothes for all occasions. Ring on the ring finger of the left hand - who sees and notices it?
This sign was so needed, like a blind man’s white stick, which would tell people: be careful with her, don’t come up with an offer of a romantic trip for two (it happened exactly two weeks after her husband’s death), don’t be scared if she cries in, it would seem , an ordinary situation (“Does the son, probably, look like a dad?”, “Please show the father’s consent to the child’s departure”, etc.).
We are not visible.
Svetlana:
“I learned over the years to say, “I am a widow.” And I learned to calmly accept different responses to this word. From “sorry, I didn’t know” to “such a blooming woman can only be congratulated for being free” (this was in the fifth year, at the final job interview, and I said nothing).
We know from Genevieve Ginzburg's book that support groups exist for widows in other countries. Why don't we have them? Because there is no tradition. Because the first years are simply not up to going anywhere with it. Moreover, if you say that there are not as few widows as it might seem, then you will almost certainly hear in response about “selective perception”, about the fact that “in fact” these are isolated cases.
Early widows have very few resources of their own to first learn how to be a widow and then accept that part of themselves and allow their personality to live and develop further.
And a friend who understands how you feel is priceless. It is easier with your own, because many things do not need to be explained. I remember how at the exhibition of Zinaida Serebryakova, Anya and I simultaneously began to count how old the artist was when she became a widow. Because for both of us this is a significant fact of the biography, which it is not limited to, but without which much, I am sure, will be misunderstood.
But you're not going to walk around with the "I'm a widow" flag. There are no places where we can gather, there are no external unique identifiers, black is now worn even by teenagers.
We are deprived of the tradition of condolences
Anna:
- I envy the people of pre-Soviet times - because they had props in the form of traditions. The prevailing, appropriate, but at the same time humane formulations of condolences. People's lamentations. To each - that which helped to express the inexpressible. The dying Pushkin asked to send a short note to Grech - his son died: “Bow to him and say that I take a sincere part in his loss.” Sincere participation in his loss! .. We are deprived of this language, we have only the newspaper "we express our deepest condolences", "we grieve with you." We have yet to find the words.
Svetlana:
– In ancient books, it was considered a separate, specially stipulated bad deed or even a crime to “offend a widow”. The economic activity of women and, probably, the callousness of heart and the terrible fear of our legislators of any mention of death have removed widows from the modern legal field. Only the Ministry of Defense has widows. A “civilian” widow with a minor child is not protected, for example, from layoffs at work (no, she is not considered a single mother, who, according to the law, can only be laid off on the condition of generous payments).
Choosing "single" makes me feel spat on
Anna:
- A year and a half has passed since the death of my husband, I took out insurance for a car, the manager, among other things, asked me about my marital status. I answered - a widow. She blushed, almost cried, apologized and said: “There is no “widow” option here, there is “married” and “single”.
In the evening I told my friends about this, indignant that this was some kind of deep lie: I was married, I am not divorced now, I am a widow. I was mildly reproached: why put people in an awkward position over and over again, it’s obvious that the system just needs to know whether you have a husband now or not. So, not married. Nod, shut up.
"Put people in an awkward position"! This is probably what all widows in our barely speaking society face.
"I'm a widow". “Sorry, I didn’t know/didn’t know.” What are you sorry for? This is just one item from the list that can characterize me: a woman, a mother of a 13-year-old son, a journalist by education, an Orthodox Christian, a widow ... However, without noticing it, you already begin to apologize: sorry for the awkwardness that you feel but I'm a widow.
Svetlana:
- Forms of questionnaires for applicants, resumes and personal records of personnel do not contain such an answer to the question about marital status.
I know that not everyone will understand me. But every time I choose "single", I feel spat on. Because I am forced to give up memory, from what makes me what I am. And, if you look at this situation quite mundane, practical, they deprive you of a competitive advantage at the start. Because all the widows I know work like animals, and having coped with what they had to cope with, they are not afraid of any difficulties at work, except for distant and long business trips while the children are small.
Talk about the future and a problem that cannot be solved
Anna:
- There were few things that made me fall into such a frenzy (this is the word, alas, yes), as when they tried to talk to me about the future. “Life is long, you are still young, you can still meet, you will be happy, you will give birth.” Who, if not a woman who has just lost her husband - no matter, suddenly or after a long illness - to know that life can be offensively short, that it can end terribly and unexpectedly, that, alas, no one guarantees happiness.
There may not be a future. And it’s simply impossible to tell a woman who has lost half of her body (and this is a literal feeling) that a new half will grow “better than the previous one.” Talking about "new" children is, in my opinion, an absolute taboo.
Even worse were the tales of impeccable widowhood. Natalya Nikolaevna Pushkina, widowed for seven years. Someone's friend, who never remarried, devoted herself entirely to the memory of her husband. From such examples I wanted to howl like a she-wolf.
Svetlana:
– As well as from the words “you and your daughter will always be a reminder of Volodya for us” – I am not a memorial museum, I am a living person! If possible, do not provoke such bursts.
Mentally, a widow in the early years is an unhealed wound, a walking trauma, a problem that cannot be solved.
It's not a question of qualifications and the amount of money you give her - and thank you for that! - ready to give at the funeral. This is a matter of compassion, including public compassion.
My friend, who hung on me from the minute we left the church until the very end of the wake, later apologized for perhaps not giving her relatives the opportunity to approach me. But she didn’t push anyone away, everyone was so ready for the fact that I was “a strong woman and I would behave with dignity.” I still have nothing to talk about with some of these people, and that friend became a sister because she was there, she was just there and held her hand during these hours.
This countdown won't stop as long as we live
Anna:
- Probably, no one can be wiser than life, which goes, goes and takes it somewhere. No words can be stronger than this inexorable, eternal, hurting, but also healing movement.
Oddly enough, I was helped by people who were much more sick than me - my husband's parents. Helped without special words, just with their experience. Their families had the experience of widowhood - and life after it. The mother-in-law's mother lost her husband in the war, but after that she met a man, got married, gave birth to another girl, lived with him until her death, he did not distinguish between daughters - who is related by blood, who is not.
The father-in-law's mother was a widow, already a mature woman, unexpectedly, in peacetime. Their family was lively, well-coordinated and harmonious, but a little more than a year after the death of her husband, there was another meeting, and they did not part with this man until his death. Due to age, habits and many other difficulties, this was not a usual marriage, rather, an economic and guest partnership, but there was no doubt that there was happiness in this union. So, my father-in-law never forgot this experience and - always unobtrusively - broadcast to me: life goes on.
... Six years have passed for me, seven years for Sveta. This countdown, apparently, will not stop as long as we live. This timeline is also us, like everything that this loss has brought and taken.
In order to be heard, you need to formulate and say. To understand others, you need to understand yourself. Understand that you are a person with a trauma, with a heavily, critically spent resource.
The wound heals, leaving a scar. No, not even that. This is not a mutilation, but a new internal landscape.
And with bitterness, humility, but also with laughter (the black humor of widows! it’s good that there is a girlfriend with whom you can laugh like that), I understand another rightness of Genevieve Ginzburg: if my husband met me now, I probably would hardly have seen and loved. And this is also life.
Probably, with these words it was necessary to begin. But the entire text above is not a summary for us, but only an introduction to a painful, but very necessary for us (and maybe not only us) conversation, communication. So I will end with these words.
My name is Anna. I am 37 years old. I'm a widow. I am alive. I don't know what's next. But I want to talk about what was and is.
In many countries, there is an opinion that when a person becomes a widower or widow, he, as it were, falls out of society. His attitude changes. There are some restrictions on it. Due to patriarchy, this applies, of course, to more women. In India, for example, widows were required to perform the rite of sati, that is, self-immolation on the grave of their husband.
Either the widow remained despised by everyone along with the untouchable caste. She did not have the right not only to marry a second time, but also to apply cosmetics, wear jewelry, clothes of any color other than white. No one could communicate with her, and she had to live only on alms. Even a passer-by who spoke to her was considered defiled.
In addition, it was impossible to use the things of the widow, she was bypassed like a leper. In some tribes, widows were shaved bald. In many countries, being a widow was considered a great punishment from God. Why was the attitude towards widows so special and harsh? By the way, in some countries it still exists today. And the thing is that people have long noticed that very often a widow brings misfortune. Usually her second husband also died. Where she lived, people got sick and died early. Therefore, widows were credited with the seal of fate and misfortune. But there are reasons for everything.
Why is widowhood dangerous? In order to understand this, it should be said that widows and widowers are different. They can be light in energy and dark - that is, angry, angry. So, it is the latter that are the so-called black widows, that is, fatal women who have survived several men in a row. From the outside, it may seem that they are methodically devouring the men who have fallen for them in the net of seduction.
Basically, such widows have always been feared. And these are the majority of widows. After all, people of a dark egregor or energy vampires always live longer than their victims - donors. They simply feed on the energy of their victims. They were considered the fiends of hell. Therefore, those severe customs against widows arose. People intuitively felt that it was the widows who were responsible for the death of their husbands. The same can be said about some male widowers. They are called "blue beard". These are those who ruined more than one wife, devouring the energies of women - one after another. Such widowers were also very much afraid. But there is another type of widow and widower.
These are people of light egregor. There are much fewer of them than dark widows and widowers, since their dark spouses die much less often - earlier than light ones. What happens to the surviving bright person? During the life of the black spouse, this light partner was constantly de-energized, he was vampires. But the anti-soul of this black spouse, for some services to the devil, receives, as it were, an increase in status. But for it to happen, she needs to throw off the physical shell (body), and the dark spouse passes away.
The physical shell is shed and the energy essence remains - that same anti-soul. But, even being not in a physical body, she needs constant vampirism for her existence. She tightly clings to her former victim, who begins an intense outflow of energy through the genitals to this essence. Moreover, this vampirism program is activated six months before the death of the dark spouse.
The light, so to speak, half is doomed to give up its energy and feed the insatiable essence until the end of its days. That is why very often after the funeral of a dark spouse (or spouse), a bright person quickly grows old, as if burned out and quickly leaves behind. Very often - from oncology.
People, of course, can say, out of ignorance, that, they say, they could not stand the separation. Such a strong love. But here's the thing. After all, when such a widower (light) decides to create a new family, the gluttonous essence of the deceased begins to feed on the energies of the new chosen one, and not just himself. It looks like a widower's vampirism. And the widower at the same time performs only the role of a hose through which all energy flows to the essence. And the new darling also starts to get sick. She is haunted by failures and misfortunes.
Again, this has been noticed by people. But all the blame for such misfortunes and illnesses, due to ignorance, fell on the widower or widow himself, and not on the essence of the deceased. There is another type of widow. But their percentage is almost negligible. These are those bright people who were married to bright partners.
Of course, during the departure of a husband or wife, they also lose a lot of energy (especially if they were married). But then the widow or widower will not vampire their new chosen one (or chosen one). Because the connection will be interrupted, although the wedding ceremony makes this connection uninterrupted. A married person will also not vampire a new chosen one. But his energy will remain exactly half of the norm. Moreover, information about death will remain on his energy matrix. Therefore, the wedding ceremony drastically shortens the life of a widow or widower, namely, by exactly half of the remaining term.
But vampire widows and widowers, as we have already said, are negligible. Therefore, people in the general mass practically did not notice them and treated them the same way as those who brought misfortune and failure. There are also unions when both spouses belong to the dark egregor. At the same time, the remaining widow or widower does not lose energy. They are vampires themselves. And they can calmly eat bright people or new chosen ones who come across them on the way. They easily become black widows and those who are called "blue beard".
Energy vampirism, of course, was created by dark forces and the devil himself. Therefore, what happens to widows or widowers is also his doing. The people of the black egregor, all these black widows and "blue beards", as well as the energy essences of the dead black dead, are the children of the devil. Their task is to devour energy and destroy bright souls. They need the energy of suffering, and therefore they only benefit from the fact that, through their fault, bright people who have become widowers and widows also suffer. Moreover, they suffer doubly - both from the vampirism of the essence, and from a bad attitude towards them in society.
Dark forces, in fact, force widowed light people to become vampires and bring misfortune without any freedom of choice. This, of course, is a real mess. And only quite recently, during our Transition, the Higher Forces learned about this problem. They are trying to disconnect light widowers and widows from the essences of the deceased spouses in order to stop the most severe vampirism.
Valeria Koltsova and Lyubov Kolosyuk.
#journal#horseshoe#widow#vampire
TO THE MAIN NEWSPAPER RAINBOW
Communication is an incredibly simple yet incredibly complex thing. The thing is that if you want to communicate normally with people, you should understand who they are, what is important to them, what can be pleasant, and what can be offensive. This is especially true for people who have suffered some kind of serious loss, experienced misfortune and are now trying to cope with it. In this case, we are talking about women who have lost their husbands. How to talk to them? What topics to raise, and what not? What phrase can offend them? This article contains the most popular phrases that widows hear - and which they would like to never hear in their lives. You yourself may be hurt by this information, you may take a defensive position, since perhaps you yourself said something similar. But the purpose of this article is not to convict you of something, but to help establish communication with an important person for you.
"I know what you feel"
No, you don't. This is not an attempt to downplay the pain of parting with a loved one, but still, the loss of a spouse is a completely different case, it cannot be compared. You can sit for hours trying to find words to describe the pain of such a loss - and not come up with anything. If you are trying to sympathize through your experience of losing a close relative or a dog, or even a divorce from a spouse - know that this is not it.
"You must be strong for the children"
Thank you Captain Obvious. The widow is aware that she has children and what exactly they need. Every day she wakes up with them, dresses them, feeds them and smiles before sending them to school. She does not lie in bed all day and cry in front of them, although very often she wants to do just that. Their needs always come first, and this was true even until the death of her husband. And his death didn't magically change anything. And if you see a widow in a depressed mood, when she cries or is depressed, it is precisely because she does not do this in front of her children.
"Everything happens for a reason"
Let's assume this is true. One might even assume that it somehow makes at least some sense. But at the moment, for a widow, this makes absolutely no sense. It only makes her angry and sad that you assume that all the pain and horror in which she has lived since the death of her husband occurs in accordance with some carefully worked out plan.
"Be grateful for the time you spent together"
The widow is very grateful for the time they spent together. But reminding her of this only makes her think that she is now spending her time without her husband.
"He's in a better place"
So you're saying that when he was alive, healthy, watching his children grow up, and was with his loving wife, he was in the worst place?
"God only gives us what we can handle"
Really? Is that why a widow has been unable to sleep at night without sleeping pills since her husband's death? Is that why she always visits a psychologist and takes sedatives? Is that why, despite all her efforts, she feels that she cannot cope with what happened after the death of her husband? It is not clear why God sees the world differently than the widow herself.
"Chin up. There are people in the world who are worse off than you."
Thank you for minimizing human suffering. This is incredibly helpful.
"Time to move on"
An interesting fact about grief is that it has no expiration date. You realize that you can go through a few days feeling completely normal, and then out of nowhere, all of a sudden, the grief comes back and you're right back where you started. Grief will not go away, just a person can learn to live with it. You cannot move on to leave grief behind - it will always be with you.
"You're still young, find yourself another man"
Yes, because the first thing a widow might think about is dating a new man. She did not divorce her husband, she planned to spend her whole life with him, and now she has been deprived of this opportunity. The fact that she can go out and find another man is at the very bottom of her priority list.
"It's a long and hard road"
Yes you are right. It is the widow who walks along it, it is she who cries every night before going to bed, it is she who has lost friends, is disappointed in her family, it is she who everyone looks at to assess how she will now make decisions. But, naturally, she thought that this was not a difficult path, but an easy walk, and you were able to open her eyes.
- Father Valerian, how to survive the pain of the death of a beloved spouse?
- The Monk Justin (Popovich) said: « Love for a person without love for God is self-love, and love for God without love for a person is self-deception.”
You must first understand your feelings. We often call love a passionate attachment to a person and a proud desire to always have him next to us. But this is not a concern for a person, but for oneself.
First of all, every person should have at least some idea of the meaning of life. Many see this meaning in the achievement of earthly well-being, in pleasures and entertainment, in the desire to live as one wants.
But remember even the popular saying: “Live not as you want, but as God commands!” Any philosophical system and the desire to understand the meaning of life logically lead inevitably to God. Except materialism, because there is no logic in it.
Therefore, first you need to decide on the question of the meaning of life. And the meaning of our life lies in the fact that a person, as far as possible, prepares himself for the future life. Because the main thing is not this earthly life, but the afterlife. Earthly life is like student years.
A young man, in addition to studying, goes to student parties. Entertainment is acceptable within reasonable limits. But in general, they study not in order to have fun, but in order to become a specialist and follow the chosen path. If you look at life like that, then everything will fall into place.
The famous literary figure of Italian culture, Dante, argued that “of all types of human bestiality, the most stupid, meanest and most harmful thing is to believe that after this life there will be no other.”
And Goethe said: "Anyone who does not believe in a future life is dead to this one." When a person builds his life on this worldview basis, he calmly endures what is happening to him.
The most important thing in life is the goal. If a person has it, he overcomes any difficulties on the way to it. This path can be interesting in itself, but it is not an end in itself. However, even on the road, as during student studies, there is no need to skip classes, be lazy, cheat - you just need to work, helping each other.
Look for the answer to your question in the Gospel. As V.G. Belinsky, “there is a Book in which everything is said, everything is decided, after which there is no doubt about anything, the Book is immortal, holy, the Book of eternal truth, eternal life - the Gospel.
The whole progress of mankind, all the successes in the sciences, philosophy consists only in a great penetration into the mysterious depths of this Divine Book. The foundation of the gospel is the revelation of truth through love and grace.”
In the Gospel, Christ directly says: “I am the way and the truth and the life” (John 14:6). The goal, the path to the goal and how to live on this path - everything should be in the same spirit. The life attitude “all means are good to achieve my goal” is not evangelical, anti-Christian, satanic.
An attempt to build something good in this life at the expense of someone's blood, someone's tears and suffering cannot be good. Just as the goal must be good, pleasing to God, so the means to achieve it must be pleasing to God.
This is the meaning of human life. And in life, we work shoulder to shoulder with someone, but, as in a war, one goes to the front, on a mission, and the other remains - in the hope of a future meeting. Yes, of course, separation, but - temporary. Only some mortal moment, and then again - together.
The future life exists, and all people, without exception, will go there, sooner or later, one by one or at the same time - it doesn't matter: someday we will all end up there. A well-known example is the faithful Prince Peter and Princess Fevronia. They went to the next life at the same time, because they loved each other - and the Lord gave them such an opportunity.
Therefore, it is easy to survive earthly separation. If your spouse went to God earlier, then you should rejoice for him - God is better! And then we will follow him, and when - this, of course, as the Lord will give.
For a long time they usually do not part, especially close in spirit, like Saints Peter and Fevronia. A person who has faith understands that it is possible to endure for a while. Especially if there are children. You are not only thinking about yourself, but also about the children. You worry that your loved one “left” earlier, but you stayed - so for the children you will also “leave”, and how will you leave them?
It is necessary to cross out egoism from separation. If we live not for ourselves, but for the sake of our neighbor, then everything will fall into place. There is a wonderful example of the resurrection of Lazarus in the Gospel. For four days the sister was separated from her brother. The Lord sympathized with them, even shed a tear. And He raised Lazarus.
After death, we will be united with our loved ones if we live with them in the same Christian spirit. And then we will all be resurrected like the Lord. For a believer, everything is simple: there is no death! The Lord says, “He who believes in me will never die” (John 11:26).
Death is only a temporary separation, a transition. And excessive sadness for the deceased is largely self-love. As St. Ignatius Brianchaninov said: "All our virtues have an admixture of impurity."
- It turns out that it is not necessary to suffer because of the death of loved ones - but is it possible? After all, the holy ascetics, having lost a spouse, suffered - for example, the righteous Alexy Mechev. And the Lord wept for Lazarus, but this is not selfishness...
“The Lord Himself sympathized, being impassive. Dispassion is not insensibility! And Father Alexy at that time still (after the death of his mother) felt sorry for himself. And his children were left without a mother.
But the holy righteous John of Kronstadt said: “Be with the people, enter into someone else’s grief, take it upon yourself, and then you will see that your misfortune is insignificant in comparison with the general grief ...”
I knew Father Nikolai Guryanov well, I went to give him communion. He once told me: "You can die - you will go to God." I realized that the father begged me out of his love, and I thought: “I’ll go, I’ll be fine, but what about the children?” I wanted to give them something, to support in something, to help, how can I leave them?
I came to Father Nikolai several times, and he asked me: “Are you afraid of death?” “No, father, somehow I didn’t think about it, and anyway, everyone should die, you can’t get anywhere. But how to leave children? I feel I'm not ready, I have to do it everywhere…” He replies: “That's right. You will live long!”
- Father, and who is harder to survive widowhood - a man or a woman?
- Really, man. Still, he loses his care. I know this from my dad. Mom got sick, and he didn’t eat, didn’t drink, worried: “How will I be without you?”
The Apostle Paul said all about this. To live in purity in widowhood is a holy deed, a feat. Whoever has no strength, is weak, can again marry. In the second rank of the wedding, it is said: “Before the heat and the hardships of the day, and carnal aggravation, those who are unable to bear the fellowship converge in the second marriage.”
“A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is free to marry whomever she wants, only in the Lord” (1 Cor. 7:39-40). What does "only in the Lord" mean?
– This means pleasing not the flesh, but God. It is necessary to create a family by faith and for the sake of God. And they please the flesh when they need, excuse me, a man. Unfortunately, sometimes the first marriage is entered into like this ...
In the book "Father Arseny" there is a good example of when a girl marries a widower, but for God's sake. If you already have children, then because of the children they enter into a second marriage. That is, always - for the sake of someone, to take care of someone. This is what "in the Lord" is.
I will tell you a case of a phenomenon from the afterlife. One man was widowed quite early, left with small children in his arms. He kept mourning for a year, and then for the sake of the children he married again. And he wasn't old either.
And suddenly he had trouble at work. He came home in the afternoon: his wife was not at home, and next to the sleeping children he always somehow calmed down. Suddenly the door opens, and with a candle in her hands enters his first wife, who died ...
He didn’t even immediately understand what happened, he was so used to sharing everything with her that he only asked: “Do you know what happened to me?” She replies, "I know." - "What should I do?" “Pray and everything will pass.” “Who did, do you know?” - "I know".
"Who?" “And you don’t need to know that, otherwise you will have a bad feeling.” Then he realized that she came from that world, and she knows everything. He asked: “Do you know that I got married a second time?” - "Yes". - "You are not offended?" “No, on the contrary, you did the right thing.”
She looks at events from a spiritual point of view and rejoices that there is a loving person next to her husband and children. The husband says: "Look at our children." “I already visited them today.” She comes from the invisible world to visit them - such a spiritual unity. And saying: “We should not be seen together,” she disappeared. Only the wax from her candle remained on the floor.
This man needed to take care of his children, and for this purpose he got married. And now, unfortunately, often people enter into the first marriage not out of love, with the goal not to serve someone, but in order to have service for themselves.
You can live in pure widowhood. We know many such examples: St. Anna the Prophetess, pious widows, Russian princesses. As the children grow up and become independent, widows are able to participate more in church and community affairs.
But in the first place, men and women should have a family. Especially for a wife and mother: her main ministry is in the family. In one Moscow school, whose director was Georgy Ivanovich Suvorov, there was a very respected teacher.
And he once had a teacher who, back in the 1920s, said: “Everyone wants to build an ideal society on earth. I know the way to such a society: give me an educated mother, and we will build such a society.” That's how great the importance of the mother!
- Father, how to deal with jealousy on the part of adult children? For them, often the second marriage of a parent is a betrayal of a deceased mother or father ...
– Of course, having been widowed, it is more difficult for a woman to raise boys alone. If someone marries a second time, the attitude of the children must be taken into account - they may not accept another father. We need to think again not about ourselves, but about the children. And often they don’t think about children, they just “change” men. But these are, rather, not widows, but divorced ...
Before getting married or getting married, you need to think - will this be an obstacle? Otherwise, relationships with children and between spouses may deteriorate. But for a believer, there is only one way - to pray that the Lord would indicate: is there God's will for marriage? It is most important.
- It happens that people consider a second marriage a betrayal of the deceased spouse. Often they are afraid of condemnation from relatives, friends, colleagues. But it's hard to live alone. As a result, they enter into informal relationships ...
- Informal relationships are fornication. By tying them, people serve not God, but the flesh. They begin with what often even the first marriage begins today - with a "civil marriage", that is, with fornication.
Relationships that are not legally formalized and are not blessed by the Church are simply sinful. And they are temporary, with age they will inevitably stop. What were they for? So, what is next?
And condemning relatives should remember that it is impossible to condemn anyone at all. No one knows the inner state of another person and the strength of his temptation. Look into the lives of the saints. One monk once had a carnal passion so violent that he held his hand on fire, his fingers burned, but he did not feel pain.
We don't even know what it is. But remember the saying: “Do not boast, peas, that it is better than beans - you will get wet and burst yourself.” No wonder they say: "In what you condemn, in that you will sin."
You can't blame anyone. Otherwise, the enemy will then attack like this ... And the worst of all, if not on you, but on your poor children, and they will suffer because of you. This is so that a person finally realizes something. Through children, people often begin to understand themselves.
- Father Valerian, is it possible and spiritually beneficial for modern people - for example, single, needy widows after 50 years old - to simply be friends with a man, accepting help from him, but not marrying? Or to marry and live like brother and sister?
– Everything pure and pleasing to God is possible with God's help, if both are firm Christians. It is possible to live in marriage with spiritual and spiritual unity without carnal intimacy. For example, the groom courted my mother's friend for forty years! Her sisters got married, and there was no one to look after a lonely sick mother. And this woman simply could not leave her mother.
When her mother passed away, they got married, but no longer lived together, because they no longer needed it. They are so accustomed to taking care of each other and truly loving each other that they have abandoned the carnal.
This is possible even today, if you try not to think about carnal things and ask for God's help. But at a young age, a man and a woman are fire and hay, as the holy fathers say.
- Remarried widowers or widows can compare their new "soul mate" with the deceased loved one - and not in her favor. What would you advise them?
– From a spiritual point of view, comparing someone with someone is often reasoning, turning into condemnation, and the dispensation is not spiritual. God alone knows the human soul, and only He can judge people. And no two people are the same.
It must be remembered that a person is given to us for a reason - there is something in him that is important for you. The hero of one Dickens story was widowed, and his wife was very quarrelsome. Probably, like Socrates - Xanthippus. And when a humble woman was betrothed to him, he asked her: “At least scold me, otherwise I feel out of my element!”
– Father, the most defenseless, it seems, today are the widows of priests: they are left without a breadwinner and a protector, they often endure attacks, and it is impossible to get a well-paid job with children in their arms ...
- I don't think it's true. If the priest really tried, his spiritual children also take care of his family ... I don’t know how it will be when I die, but as long as I live, my children care so much that sometimes I’m even ashamed ...
But a peaceful life on earth is not promised to anyone: “In the world you will have tribulation” (John 16:33). Your question concerns every family. But the answer must be sought in the Holy Scriptures: “I was young and old, and I did not see a righteous man left behind and his descendants asking for bread” (Ps. 36:25).
There are widowed priestly families that no one "attacks". Because this is not a stamp, in each case everything is individual. I think that the plight and attacks are not connected with the widows of the priests, but with what the father was like, what the mother remained.
Everything in our life is not just like that. If some kind of test, temptation is sent to the mother widow, then it is not without spiritual benefit. The same goes for any Christian path.
Can a priest's widow remarry?
- About the priest himself, it is said unambiguously - he has no right. And in relation to his widow, I do not know of such a canonical prohibition or obstacle.
“Father Valerian, isn’t it a sin, after all, for a widow to marry a second time, and for a widower to marry?” On the one hand, the Apostle said: “To the unmarried and to the widows I say, it is good for them to remain as I am” (1 Cor. 7:8-9); “She (the widow) is happier if she remains so, according to my advice” (1 Cor. 7:39-40); and on the other hand, “I desire young widows to marry, bear children, rule the house, and give no occasion to the enemy to slander” (1 Tim. 5:14). How would be more correct?
—The Apostle speaks not only of widowhood, but of marriage in general. For those who are widowed, there is only one answer in all cases - they must pray and ask for God's guidance.
The founder of the Spaso-Borodino Monastery, Abbess Maria (in the world Margarita Tuchkova), with the blessing of St. Philaret (Drozdov), divorced her first husband.
He turned out to be a dishonorable person, he deceived - anything can happen. And she married a second time out of great love for General Tuchkov - but then her husband died in the Battle of Borodino, and the child died, and Margarita Tuchkova took monastic vows.
And the Monk Athanasia Abbess, a great ascetic, was married twice. These are the fates of God, and I can’t say anything here. I'm afraid to limit the Providence of God.
The issue of widowhood is a very serious one, but today there are not so many problems among widows as among divorced people. The people even called the divorced "straw widow."
And I thought, why straw? And then I realized: because it “flares up” very easily, but quickly “burns out”. Straw widowers and widows, if conjugated with the fire of passion, are easily ignited - after all, there is already experience. And then the ashes remain. Straw widowhood is a problem of modern humanity.
Interviewed by Nina Ryadchikova,
orthodox women's magazine"Slav" ,
No. 4(64), July-August 2016
Below you will find signs that people who have buried a loved one need to know - when you can open the mirror after the funeral, do cleaning and repairs, watch TV. There are many restrictions and prohibitions that were invented by our ancestors, for the most part, back in pre-Christian times.
When to open the mirror
A well-known fact - after the death of a person, it is supposed to close all reflective surfaces. These are not only mirrors, but also TVs, computer monitors and other things in which you can see your reflection. This is done so that the reflection of the deceased does not remain in the house, and his ghost is not alive.
Signs are based on the path of the deceased. So, after three days after death, the guardian angel takes him away to inspect paradise. For 9 days, he will appear before the Lord and go to inspect hell. On the 40th day, the soul is given the final verdict on where it will stay. Since only the first three days after death the soul is among the living, you can open the mirrors after it leaves it. That is, on the fourth day. It used to be that all 40 days the soul can visit relatives from time to time. Therefore, they did not open the mirrors all this time.
Sometimes the mirrors do not hang at all. For example, when a person died in a hospital, and his body is taken to the cemetery from the morgue, and not from home. It is not right. The soul of a person will still return home and stay near people close to him during his lifetime. Sometimes only those mirrors that are located where the deceased is located are closed. It is also not true, because the soul will wander through all the rooms of the house.
Some Slavic signs claim that the one who first looks into the mirror opened after the funeral will soon die. To prevent this, the cat is brought to the mirror first. She is not afraid of this sign.
Can I watch TV
For obvious reasons, there are no old signs about this, but as mentioned above, TVs are supposed to be closed, like mirrors. You can open them simultaneously with mirrors. That is, either after the funeral, or after the third, ninth or fortieth day.
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The church does not prohibit watching TV, but recommends to refrain from entertainment at least nine days. You can watch news, educational programs, but it is better to postpone watching movies and talk shows. You can not turn on the TV in the house where the deceased lies. Wait until the funeral is over. If the deceased was not a person close to you, the restriction does not apply to you.
These rules also apply to listening to music. The exception is church hymns. If you have such a desire, you can listen to classical music. By the way, the funeral orchestra is a Soviet innovation. In the old days, they were accompanied by prayers and religious chants.
Do you keep photos of the dead?
The answer is yes. Photos are memories of a dear person, a memory for his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. By destroying photographs of the deceased, you allow his descendants to never know about him.
But still the image of the deceased is associated with world of the dead. Psychics can tell from a photo whether a person is alive or not. Therefore, it is not worth looking at photographs of the deceased too often. You can also not overdo it with their number on the walls, shelves and tables. Do not hang near portraits of living people, separate living and dead energies. The best place for storage is a photo album.
Much more negative are the photographs taken during the funeral. It's best not to do them. But, if there are already photos, it is better to destroy them. It doesn't matter what is depicted there - a coffin, a cemetery, a funeral process, they are a strong source of necrotic energy.
When to clean the apartment
While there is a dead person in the house, cleaning and taking out the trash is not allowed. Otherwise, another person in this house may die. According to legend, the cleaner will sweep or wash him out of the dwelling.
You need to clean up immediately after the removal of the coffin. For the deceased, they sweep and wash the floors at a time when the mourners on their last journey have already left for the cemetery. This is done to immediately sweep away death, illness, grief from the house.
Moreover, such light cleaning cannot be done by blood relatives of the deceased. It is better for them to contact the emanations of death less, so that the deceased does not take his loved ones with him. Do not clean up after the dead and pregnant women. Usually one of the family friends is asked to sweep and mop the floor. Only he must remain in the apartment after the removal of the coffin. After that, the person joins the mourners at the wake, he is not present at the cemetery.
Some things are especially strongly saturated with the energy of death. So, the stools or table on which the coffin stood are taken out into the street for several days and left there with their legs up. This is done in order to get rid of this energy. The apartment has a balcony.
Be sure to take everything from the house that is connected with the mournful ceremony. These are the remnants of fabric for upholstery of the coffin, chips from it, as well as other ritual paraphernalia, except for a portrait with a black ribbon, a glass of water and a piece of bread. All flowers brought by the mourners are supposed to be left on the grave - they are intended for the deceased.
They also do not leave in the house the tool that was used to take measurements for the coffin, it brings death to another tenant during the year. Nothing is taken from the coffin. The ropes with which they tied the hands of the deceased, the pennies that lay in front of their eyes - all this should remain in the coffin. Candles are taken to the cemetery, as well as the grain in which they stood. It is also impossible to store the icon that stood in front of the coffin. She is allowed down the river or taken to the church.
When is it possible to clean up after the funeral, if the question is general cleaning or tidying up the room of the deceased? At any time, but after the commemoration or the removal of the coffin. If at the same time you open the mirrors, they should also be washed. If you decide to keep them closed for 3, 9, or 40 days, save that for later.
Is it possible to make repairs
Repair after the funeral can be done, but only as it passes 40 days after death. The soul of the deceased visits from time to time to see how loved ones live. She would like to see the familiar environment, changes can anger the spirit.
After 40 days, at least, it will be necessary to replace the bed on which the deceased slept, as well as the bed (sofa, floor or staircase covering, armchair, etc.) that has become a deathbed. The bed of a dead person must not be used by his bloodline. It can be given away or sold. Putting a new bed is optional, use the freed space as you see fit.
The place of death will exude necrotic energy for several more years. Therefore, it is supposed to replace everything that came into contact with the dying, be it the floor covering where he fell, or furniture and bed linen. As a rule, such things are thrown away or burned. In the villages, they act a little differently - they take them to the chicken coop for three, so that the rooster "sings all the negativity."
Deceased's personal belongings, as a rule, distribute to the poor or sell. This doesn't just apply to clothes. Favorite cup or plate, ashtray, anti-stress toy - you should not keep it all. Although many leave in memory of the deceased.
What else not to do after the funeral
In the house where the person died, you can not do laundry. This prohibition is valid while the coffin is in the house. That is, after the funeral, you can start putting your clothes in order.
Can I swim after the funeral? Beliefs recommend doing this at the same time when you decide to remove the fabric from reflective surfaces. That is, immediately after the commemoration, in three, nine or forty days. In the old days, they washed only on the 41st day after death.
Among the things not to do after the funeral are noisy holidays. It is undesirable to arrange celebrations within 40 days. Birthday celebration better to reschedule or cancel altogether. But you can celebrate it modestly, in the family circle, without loud music and noise.
The nine-day, and preferably forty-day ban also applies to the wedding, but here everything depends on the emotional state of the relatives of the deceased. In addition, a wedding is a pre-arranged event associated with high costs. If you are getting married earlier than forty days have passed since the death of a relative, during the celebration you need to mention this and pay tribute to the memory of the deceased. Weddings are allowed at any time.
Many believe that among the things not to do after the funeral of a loved one are trips and travel. This is not true. They will help to distract, but during the trip it is worth giving up various entertainment activities. Do not forget to remember the deceased and pray for his soul during the holidays.
In addition, the relatives of the deceased cannot sew and have their hair cut for forty days. If there is a need to repair clothes, you will have to do this. But tailoring, which is not urgent, should be postponed. The same goes for haircuts. Bangs interfere with daily activities? Get rid of her. But if it's about changing your image, do it in forty days.
The same amount of time for the family of the deceased you can't drink alcohol. Perhaps the ban is due to the fact that grief is an accomplice of alcoholism. But funeral signs also forbid drinking at the wake. The reason is that alcoholism is a sin. For forty days, relatives can pray for a sinful person. If at this time they sin, it will only complicate his afterlife.
After the funeral, they go only to the wake, and from there - home. You can’t go to visit, otherwise death will come to that house. You can visit or go on business only on the day following the funeral and commemoration. The commemoration is also the ninth and fortieth day, and after them this prohibition also applies. You can also not go to celebrations that take place in public places - birthdays, weddings.
They don't go from wake to wake. If two deceased are commemorated on the same day, choose the one who is closer to you. But you can also say goodbye to several dead people, support relatives, and express grief. During the funeral, do not visit the graves of relatives and friends. This time you came to only one deceased, and visiting others will be regarded as disrespectful.
Church opinion
There are many beliefs that are supposed to be observed after the funeral. This will help protect against necrotic energy, diseases and other troubles. In addition, some signs are aimed at improving the afterlife of the deceased and his cleansing from sins.
