Acceptance of the child's feelings: recommendations of psychologists. Lack of unconditional love or all about an unhappy childhood
Emotional rejection. With this type of upbringing, the child and adolescent constantly feel that they are burdened, that he is a burden in the life of his parents, that without him it would be easier, freer and more free for them. The situation is even more aggravated when there is someone else nearby - a brother or sister, stepfather or stepmother, who is much dearer and more beloved (the position of Cinderella).
Hidden emotional rejection consists in the fact that parents, without admitting it to themselves, are burdened by a son or daughter, although they drive such a thought away from themselves, they are indignant if someone points it out to them. By the forces of reason and will, suppressed emotional rejection is usually hypercompensated by emphasized care, exaggerated signs of attention. However, a child, and especially a teenager, feels the artificial strain of such care and attention and feels a lack of sincere emotional warmth.
Emotional rejection has a severe effect on labile, sensitive and asthenoneurotic accentuations, strengthening the features of these types. However, explicit emotional rejection can also sharpen the features of epileptoid accentuation. When emotional rejection is combined with hypoprotection, labile adolescents seek emotional contacts in street companies - as a result, traits of instability may accumulate on the labile core.
terms of abusive relationships. Usually combined with emotional rejection. A cruel attitude can manifest itself openly - by severe reprisals for minor misconduct and disobedience, or by the fact that the child, as a weak and defenseless creature, is "teared off evil" on others. But cruel relationships in the family can be hidden from prying eyes. Spiritual indifference to each other, concern only for oneself, complete disregard for the interests and needs of other family members, an invisible wall between them, a family where everyone can rely only on themselves, without expecting either help or participation - all this can be without loud scandals, no fights and no beatings. Nevertheless, such an atmosphere of spiritual cruelty cannot but affect a teenager.
Violent relationships can also be cultivated between pupils in some closed educational institutions, especially for difficult and delinquent teenagers, despite material security and a strictly regulated regime. The tyranny of leaders, the mockery of the strong over the weak, reprisals for disobedience, the servility of some and the torment of others - all this flourishes especially easily if the work of educators is distinguished by formalism.
Education in conditions of cruel relationships contributes to the strengthening of the features of epileptoid accentuation and the development of the same features on the basis of conformal accentuation.
Conditions of increased moral responsibility. In such cases, parents have high hopes for the future of their child, his success, his abilities and talents. They often cherish the idea that their descendant will realize their own unfulfilled dreams. A teenager feels that his parents expect a lot from him.
In another case, conditions of increased moral responsibility are created when a minor adolescent is entrusted with non-childish concerns about the well-being of younger and helpless family members [Sukhareva G. E., 1959].
Nearly all adolescents show great resilience to the lofty parental expectations or difficult responsibilities entrusted to them. Failure and blunders do not produce a breaking effect. The exception is psychasthenic accentuation, the features of which sharply sharpen in conditions of increased moral responsibility, leading to psychopathic development or to a protracted obsessive-phobic neurosis.
Contradictory upbringing. In one family, each of the parents, and even more so grandparents, can adhere to unequal educational styles, combine incompatible educational approaches, and carry out different types of improper upbringing. At the same time, family members compete, and even openly conflict with each other. For example, dominant overprotection on the part of the father and condoning on the part of the mother, emotional rejection on the part of the parents and condoning hyperprotection on the part of the grandmother can be combined. Such situations are especially detrimental to the teenager, creating a great risk of hitting the weak sides of his character.
The teenager turns out to be the most sensitive to the kind of wrong upbringing that is addressed to the Achilles' heel of his type of accentuation.
Education outside the family. In itself, education outside the family, in a boarding school during adolescence is not a negative psychogenic factor. On the contrary, it can even be useful for adolescents to part with their families for certain periods of time and live among their peers - this contributes to the development of independence, the ability to establish contacts, and the development of social adaptation skills. Temporary separation from the family can be especially helpful when the behavioral disorder is related to a difficult family situation.
Negative psychogenic factors are shortcomings in the work of boarding schools and other educational institutions - a combination of a strict regime, bordering on hyperprotection, with formalism in its observance, which opens an outlet for hidden neglect, bad influences, cruel relationships between pupils, as well as a lack of emotional warmth on the part of educators. It is much more difficult to eliminate all these defects in a boarding school than in a harmonious family.
That is why upbringing in such a family, supplemented and corrected by social education, has been and remains the best for the formation of a person, especially in early and middle adolescence.
The described types of incorrect education are apparently connected with those tendencies that to some extent turn out to be inherent in a number of modern families. Sociopsychological studies [Kharchev A.G., 1981] have shown that in Moscow only 50% of boys and 34% of girls aged 15-17 help the family in housekeeping; about 20% do not know how to cook at all, 54% of young men do not know how to wash. At the same time, only 9% of families discuss with teenagers the purchase of expensive things, only 13% - how to spend a summer vacation, etc. But parents' expectations for their children are very high. In Tbilisi, for example, 96% of parents plan a mandatory higher education for their children, 90% are ready to support them, as long as they study, while teenagers themselves expressed a desire to receive it only in 56% of cases.
The emotional side of the child-parent relationship largely determines the well-being of the child's mental development and the realization of the educational potential of parenthood as a social institution. The emotional attitude towards the partner of the parents and the child in the context of their relationship has a different origin, psychological content and dynamics of development. If, in relation to marital relationships, we can talk about the fundamental equality of partners - both in relation to the genesis, and the development and implementation of an emotional connection, then in the case of child-parent relationships, the nature of child and parental love turns out to be different. The emotional attitude of a parent to a child is qualified as a phenomenon of parental love, and in modern psychology a clear distinction is made between the emotional attitude of a mother and father towards a child, acting as maternal or paternal love. Along with the concept of parental love, the term "acceptance" is used, which characterizes the affective coloring of the parent's relationship to the child and the recognition of its self-worth. Emotional closeness determines the affective sign of the relationship (sympathy - antipathy) and the emotional distance between the parent and the child.
In modern society, the social value of parental love is extremely high, and the intimate and emotional closeness of parents with children in a small family and planning the birth of children is a mass phenomenon. All this has led to the fact that today parental love is considered by society as the “norm” of a person’s mental health, and the behavior and personality of a parent who has the misfortune of not loving his child is considered a pathology, mental deviation, a manifestation of immorality and licentiousness. Help for parents in raising children / Common. ed. and foreword by V.Ya. Pilipovsky. M., 2007. With. 182.
However, it would be unfair to blame and condemn such parents, of course, provided that they fulfill their parental duty, show care, attention and guardianship in relation to the child. Love for a child - emotional intimacy and mutual understanding - is not an innate ability of a mother and father and does not appear by magic with the birth of a child. The ability to love him is formed in the practice of parenthood, in the process of joint activities and communication with the child, bringing the mother and father a feeling of happiness, fullness of self-realization and self-completion. On the contrary, the experience of “dislike”, rejection of the child causes severe emotional and personal disorders in the parent - feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety and fears, violations of the self-concept in the form of self-denial and low self-esteem. Therefore, in such cases, the strategy of psychological assistance to the family is built as a consistent solution to the following tasks: stabilization of the emotional state of the parent - awareness of the rejection of the child and objectification of the causes and mechanism for the formation of dislike for him - overcoming guilt - optimization of communication and cooperation with the child - increasing the level of empathy, emotional understanding and affection in the parent-child dyad.
In the continuum of values of the emotional attitude of the parent to the child, several variants of relations can be distinguished, from an unconditionally positive to an openly negative pole.
Unconditional emotional acceptance of the child (love and affection "no matter what"). Unconditional acceptance involves differentiation by the parent of the child's personality and behavior. A negative assessment and condemnation by a parent of specific actions and actions of a child does not entail a denial of his emotional significance and a decrease in the intrinsic value of his personality for the parent. This type of emotional relationship is most favorable for the development of the child's personality, since it ensures the full satisfaction of the child's needs for security, love, care and affiliation in relations with parents.
* Conditional emotional acceptance (love, due to the achievements, virtues, behavior of the child). In this case, the child must earn the love of the parent by his successes, exemplary behavior, and the fulfillment of requirements. Love acts as a blessing, a reward that is not given by itself, but requires labor and effort. Deprivation of parental love is a fairly commonly used form of punishment in such cases. This type of parental attitude provokes anxiety and insecurity in the child.
*Ambivalent emotional attitude towards the child (combination of positive and negative feelings, hostility and love).
*Indifferent attitude (indifference, emotional coldness, distance, low empathy). This position is based on the unformed maternal position, infantilism and personal
immaturity of the parent.
* Hidden emotional rejection (ignoring, emotionally negative attitude towards the child).
* Open emotional rejection of the child.
A.S. Spivakovskaya, based on a three-dimensional model of love, offers an original typology of parental love. Recall that the three dimensions of the feeling of love within the framework of this model are: sympathy / antipathy; respect/contempt and intimacy - range. The causes of violations of parental love have not yet been studied enough, but some of them can be named.
Emotional rejection is an ineffective parental attitude that manifests itself in the lack or absence of emotional contact between the parent and the child, the insensitivity of the parent to the needs of the child. It can be explicit and implicit, hidden. With a clear rejection, the parent demonstrates that he does not love and does not accept his child, is irritated about him. Hidden rejection takes more complex forms - it can manifest itself in global dissatisfaction with the child (he is not so smart, skillful, handsome), although formally the parent can fulfill his parental duties. Sometimes emotional rejection is masked by exaggerated attention and care; but it is betrayed by a lack of love and attention, a desire to avoid close (bodily) contact.
Rejection can be manifested in the following parental directives: “My eyes would not look at you”, “How much anxiety and deprivation you brought me when you were born.” Perceiving such directives, the child unconsciously feels that he is a hindrance in the life of the parent, his eternal debtor. According to Horney, the "initial or basal" anxiety that occurs in a child suffering from a lack of parental love is the source of personality neuroticism.
Rejection is often associated with inadequate parental expectations for the child. Most often, parents perceive their children as older and therefore not in need of much care and attention. Over-demanding parents, for example, believe that a child can be potty trained by 6-12 months, that he is able to talk by the age of two, and that children can help around the house from early childhood. Children are also required to take care of younger siblings. Without taking into account the individual characteristics of the child, parents are trying to "improve", "correct" the child's innate type of response. Often parents create an ideal, fictional image of a child that evokes their love. For some parents, this is an obedient, comfortable child who does not bring much trouble. For others - active, successful, enterprising. However, in both cases, the fictional image of the child will not correspond to the real one.
Rejection is often combined with strict control, with the imposition of the only “correct” type of behavior on the child. Parents require the child to “be good”, “behave properly”, “be obedient”, but do not explain the essence of the required behavior. Along with strict control, rejection can be combined with a lack of control, indifference to the life of the child, complete connivance.
Fearing to "spoil" the child, parents do not pay attention to his urgent needs. Here are examples of children's stories based on pictures depicting an adult and a child in various situations:
“... Mom came for the boy, and he played in the sandbox. He roared because he didn't want to leave. Mom said: “There’s nothing terrible here, don’t cry, you’ll play enough tomorrow ...”
“...Mom is standing, and the son is crying. Mom says: "It doesn't hurt to go to the doctor." - Son: "I'm afraid." - Mother: "You will go anyway."
“... The boy was offended in the yard, his mother took him away, crying, and punished him at home ...”
In these examples, it is clearly seen that the mother ignores the emotional experiences of the child.
Emotional rejection of a child is often accompanied by frequent punishments, including physical ones. Moreover, mothers who reject their children tend to punish them for turning to them for help, as well as for striving to communicate with them. The following example illustrates this: “... The girl wanted to paint at home. But at home she interfered with her mother, as she climbed to her with questions. Mom kicked her out for a walk ... ".
Parents who reject children and use an abusive style of interaction with them believe in the necessity and normality of physical punishment. It is interesting that the actions for which parents criticize their own children, they did in childhood themselves, and this was criticized by their own parents. Often, disobedience or unwanted behavior is punished by deprivation of parental love, demonstrating the uselessness of the child: “Mom doesn’t like this, she will find another boy (girl) for herself.” The consequence of this is the formation in the child of a sense of insecurity, fear of loneliness, abandonment.
The lack of parental responsiveness to the needs of the child contributes to a feeling of “learned helplessness” in him, which subsequently often leads to apathy and even depression, avoidance of new situations, lack of curiosity and initiative. The unsatisfied need for acceptance and love plays an important role in the development of aggressiveness and delinquent behavior in children. Although the neglect of a child and the rejection of his need for acceptance and love are important preconditions for the development of antisocial aggressiveness, not all children deprived of parental care become aggressive. For example, a reaction to a lack of maternal care and love can be withdrawal, overdependence, excessive readiness for submission, and deep anxiety.
It is also very important to what extent and at what age the child was deprived of maternal love and care. In cases where the child has not been completely deprived of maternal care, and maternal love sometimes still manifested itself, the child can learn to expect some kind of emotional reaction from his parents. If this emotional reward was a condition of his obedience to parental demands, then under such conditions the child would develop anxious obedience rather than aggressiveness.
A rejecting attitude towards a child is noted among single mothers, in families raising foster children, and also where the child was born “accidentally”, “at the wrong time”, during a period of domestic troubles or marital conflicts. The extreme form of rejection is manifested in the fact that parents really refuse the child and place him in a boarding school, a psychiatric hospital, give him up to be raised by relatives (often grandmothers). For rejecting parents, an inversion of parent-child roles is often characteristic. Parents delegate their own responsibilities to children, while they themselves behave helplessly, demonstrating the need for guardianship and care.
The basis of the child's emotional rejection may be the conscious, and most often unconscious identification of the child with some negative moments in the parents' own life. The following personal problems of parents are distinguished, which determine the emotional rejection of the child:
- The underdevelopment of parental feelings, which outwardly manifests itself in unwillingness to deal with the child, in the poor tolerance of his society, a superficial interest in his affairs. The reasons for the underdevelopment of parental feelings may be the rejection of the parent himself in childhood, when he himself did not experience parental warmth; personal characteristics of the parent, for example, severe schizoidness; lack of a place for the child in the life plans of parents.
- Projection onto the child of their own negative traits - fighting with them in the child, the parent derives emotional benefit for himself.
- The desire to eradicate the traits of an unloved spouse inherited by the child.
- A shift in the parent's attitudes towards the child depending on the gender of the child. For example, if you want to have a girl, there may be an unconscious rejection of your son.
Rejection, rejection cause anxiety in the child because his need for love, affection, protection is not satisfied. Such a child can achieve praise, mother's love with the help of exemplary behavior, success in activities. In this case, fear arises: “If I behave badly (badly perform any activity), then they will not love me.” Fear of failure causes anxiety, which, with real failures, is fixed and becomes a personality trait.
Those children who are ignored and whose basic needs are not met grow up insecure in themselves, in their abilities. In addition, they consider insults from their parents as normal behavior. The underdevelopment of the attachment relationship between mother and child is further transformed into a stable rejection of the child's own "I", which in turn leads to a global rejection of the world of social relations.
The rejection of the child by the parents leads to the formation of the following internal positions of the child: “I am not loved, but I sincerely want to get closer to you” and “I am not needed and not loved. Leave me alone".
The first position has two possible options for the child's behavior. The child experiences a sense of guilt and sees the fact of being rejected by his parents as a punishment for his “badness”. The result of such experiences can be a loss of self-esteem and an irrational desire to improve, to meet parental expectations. The second variant of behavior is associated with the rejection of the family by the child. In this case, the child comes to the conclusion that it is the parents who are to blame for his rejection. With parents, such children behave aggressively, dismissively, it seems that they deliberately annoy their parents, taking revenge on them for their lack of love. Aggression is a way of responding to emotional rejection. The inability to fulfill their needs for love, security will encourage the child to seek their satisfaction in other ways. In particular, in situations of rejection, the child screams, fights, cries, seeks in any way to attract the attention of the mother.
The position “I am not needed and not loved, leave me alone” leads to a desire to get rid of the attention of an adult. The child demonstrates his stupidity, clumsiness, bad habits in order to “scare away” the parent from himself. This situation leads the child down the stage of social development.
The rejected child seeks to attract the attention of the parent at any cost, even with the help of quarrels, breakups, oppositional behavior. R. Sears called this behavior "the search for negative attention." A vicious circle is formed: the more stubbornness, negativism on the part of the child, the more punishments, restrictions on the part of the parent, which leads to increased oppositional behavior in the child. The child perpetuates his immature, inadequate attitude towards the family, asserts himself with the help of defiant behavior. If the child becomes more and more convinced of his unlovedness, he may resort to a kind of childish revenge.
In a broad sense, the concept of "deprivation" ( deprivation , or resp. privacy ) denotes the loss of something, deprivation due to insufficient satisfaction of any important need. At the same time, we are not talking about physical deprivation, but about the insufficient satisfaction of precisely mental needs.
I. Langmeyer and 3. Mateychek give the following definition of mental deprivation: “Psychic deprivation is a mental state that has arisen as a result of such life situations where the subject is not given the opportunity to satisfy some of his basic (life) mental needs to a sufficient extent or for a sufficiently long time."
Types of deprivation
Types of deprivation are usually distinguished depending on what need is not satisfied.
I. Langmeier and 3. Mateychek analyze four types of mental deprivation.
1.Incentive(touch) deprivation: reduced number of sensory stimuli or their limited variability and modality.
2. Meaning Deprivation(cognitive): too changeable, chaotic structure of the external world without a clear ordering and meaning, which makes it impossible to understand, anticipate and regulate what is happening from the outside.
3. Deprivation of emotional attitude(emotional): insufficient opportunity to establish an intimate emotional relationship with a person, or to break such an emotional connection, if one has already been created.
4. Identity deprivation(social): limited opportunity for assimilation of an autonomous social role.
Parenting Test
Parental attitude is understood as a system of various feelings and actions of adults towards children. From a psychological point of view, parental attitude is a pedagogical social attitude towards children, which includes rational, emotional and behavioral components. All of them, to one degree or another, are assessed using a questionnaire that forms the basis of this technique.
61 questions of the questionnaire make up the following five scales, expressing certain aspects of the parental relationship:
1. Acceptance - rejection of the child. This scale expresses a general emotionally positive (acceptance) or emotionally negative (rejection) attitude towards the child.
2. Cooperation. This scale expresses the desire of adults to cooperate with the child, the manifestation of sincere interest on their part and participation in his affairs.
3. Symbiosis. The questions of this scale are focused on finding out whether the adult is striving for unity with the child or, on the contrary, is trying to maintain a psychological distance between the child and himself. This is a kind of contact between a child and an adult.
4. Control. This scale characterizes how adults control the child's behavior, how democratic or authoritarian they are in relations with him.
5. Attitude to the failures of the child. This last scale shows how adults relate to the child's abilities, to his strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures.
In conclusion, after describing the methodology, we will return to the analysis and interpretation of its results in terms of these scales.
Questionnaire text
1. I always sympathize with my child.
2. I consider it my duty to know everything my child is thinking.
3. It seems to me that my child's behavior deviates significantly from the norm.
4. You need to keep the child away from real life problems longer if they hurt him.
5. I feel sympathy for the child.
6. I respect my child.
7. Good parents protect the child from the difficulties of life.
8. My child is often unpleasant to me.
9. I always try to help my child.
10. There are times when an unkind attitude towards a child benefits him.
11. In relation to my child, I feel annoyed.
12. My child will not achieve anything in life.
13. It seems to me that other children make fun of my child.
14. My child often does things that deserve condemnation.
15. My child is mentally retarded and looks underdeveloped for his age.
16. My child behaves badly on purpose to annoy me.
17. My child, like a sponge, absorbs all the worst.
18. With all the effort my child is difficult to teach good manners.
19. A child from childhood should be kept within strict limits, only then a good person will grow out of him.
20. I love it when my child's friends come to our house.
21. I always take part in the games and activities of the child.
22. Everything bad constantly “sticks” to my child.
23. My child will not succeed in life.
24. When the company talks about children, I feel ashamed that my child is not as smart and capable as other children.
25. I feel sorry for my child.
26. When I compare my child with peers, they seem to me more well-mannered and more reasonable than my child.
27. I enjoy spending my free time with my child.
28. I often regret that my child is growing up, and fondly remember the time when he was still very young.
29. I often catch myself with hostility and hostility towards the child.
30. I dream of my child achieving what I personally did not succeed in life.
31. Parents should not only demand from the child, but also adapt themselves to him, treat him with respect as a person.
32. I try to fulfill all the requests and wishes of my child.
33. When making decisions in the family, the opinion of the child should be taken into account.
34. I am very interested in my child's life.
35. I often admit that the child is right in his own way in his demands and claims.
36. Children learn early that parents can make mistakes.
37. I always consider the child.
38. I have friendly feelings towards the child.
39. The main reason for my child's whims is selfishness, laziness and stubbornness.
40. If you spend a vacation with a child, then it is impossible to have a normal rest.
41. The most important thing is that the child has a calm, carefree childhood.
42. Sometimes it seems to me that my child is not capable of anything good.
43. I share my child's hobbies.
44. My child can piss anyone off.
45. The grief of my child is always close and understandable to me.
46. My child often annoys me.
47. Raising a child is a complete hassle.
48. Strict discipline in childhood develops a strong character.
49. I don't trust my child.
50. For strict upbringing, children later thank their parents.
51. Sometimes it seems to me that I hate my child.
52. My child has more faults than virtues.
53. The interests of my child are close to me, I share them.
54. My child is not able to do anything on his own, and if he does, then it certainly does not work out the way it should.
55. My child will grow up not adapted to life.
56. I like my child the way he is.
57. I carefully monitor the health of my child.
58. I admire my child.
59. A child should not have secrets from parents.
60. I have a low opinion of my child's abilities and do not hide it from him.
61. A child should be friends with those children that his parents like.
Processing and evaluation of results
For each of the types of parental relationships, ascertained using this questionnaire, below are the numbers of judgments associated with this type.
Acceptance - rejection of the child: 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 20, 23, 24, 26, 27, 29, 37, 38, 39, 40, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 49, 51, 52, 53, 55, 56, 60.
Cooperation: 21, 25, 31, 33, 34, 35, 36.
Symbiosis: 1, 4, 7, 28, 32, 41, 58.
Control: 2, 19, 30, 48, 50, 57, 59.
Dealing with child failure 9, 11, 13, 17, 22, 54, 61.
For each “yes” response, the subject receives 1 point, and for each “no” response, 0 points. High scores indicate a significant development of the above types of parental relationships, and low scores indicate that they are relatively poorly developed. Speaking specifically, the evaluation and interpretation of the data obtained are carried out as follows.
High scores on the scale "acceptance - rejection" - from 24 to 33- they say that this subject has a pronounced positive attitude towards the child. adult in this case, accepts the child as he is, respects and recognizes his individuality, approves of his interests, supports plans, spends a lot of time with him and does not regret it.
- 0 to 8 - they say that an adult experiences mostly only negative feelings towards a child: irritation, anger, annoyance, even sometimes hatred. Such an adult considers the child a loser, does not believe in his future, evaluates his abilities low and often treats the child with his attitude. It is clear that an adult with such inclinations cannot be a good teacher.
High scores on the "cooperation" scale - 7-8 points- are a sign that an adult shows a sincere interest in what interests the child, highly appreciates the child's abilities, encourages the independence and initiative of the child, tries to be equal with him.
Low scores on this scale - 1-2 points- they say that an adult behaves in the opposite way towards a child and cannot claim to be a good teacher.
High scores on the "symbiosis" scale - 6-7 points- sufficient to conclude that this adult person does not establish a psychological distance between himself and the child, tries to always be closer to him, satisfy his basic reasonable needs, protect him from troubles,
Low scores on the same scale - 1-2 points- are a sign that an adult, on the contrary, establishes a significant psychological distance between himself and the child, cares little about him. It is unlikely that such an adult can be a good teacher and educator for a child.
High scores on the "control" scale - 6-7 points- they say that an adult behaves too authoritatively towards a child, demanding unconditional obedience from him and setting him a strict disciplinary framework. He imposes his will on the child in almost everything. Such an adult can not always be useful as a teacher for children.
Low scores on the same scale - 1-2 points- on the contrary, they indicate that there is practically no control over the actions of the child by an adult. This may not be good for teaching and raising children. The best option for assessing the pedagogical abilities of an adult on this scale are average grades, from 3 to 5 points.
High scores on the scale "attitude to the failures of the child" - 7-8 points- are a sign that an adult considers the child a little loser and treats him as an unintelligent creature. Interests, hobbies, thoughts and feelings of a child seem to an adult frivolous, and he ignores them. It is unlikely that such an adult can become a good teacher and educator for a child.
Low scores on the same scale - 1-2 points, on the contrary, indicate that the adult considers the child's failures to be accidental and believes in him. Such an adult is likely to become a good teacher and educator.
To accept another person as he is means to perceive him in all his uniqueness and originality, without trying to remake anything in him that we do not like. Often, parents have a certain template of the “ideal child”, under which they try to fit their child, actively correcting and constantly making comments to him.
However, in the process of raising children, parents should not forget a simple truth - we are all different from each other. So why does your child have to be "carbon copy" in everything with other children? He must remain, first of all, himself when he wants to laugh, be sad, have fun or cry, in a word, express his emotions. For education, the most important thing is the acceptance of the parents of their child. Why is this needed? How can parents accept their child? What gives a child the acceptance of his parents?
The need for love is one of the basic human needs, and its satisfaction is of particular importance for children. The lack of maternal love and warmth always negatively affects the formation of the personality of the child and his entire future life.
It is important for a child not only to feel and see the attention and care of parents, but also to hear pleasant words. He also needs affection, so even grown children need to be hugged. Positive emotions help the child realize that he is loved, which means that he will grow up happy and healthy.
Only in the case of acceptance, the child can feel parental love, trust, and communication with parents will develop according to the principle of dialogue. Accepting a child means recognizing him as a separate person with all his inherent qualities, understanding his right to individuality, including the difference from his parents.
Good parents who are able to accept their child have qualities such as empathy, sincerity, and are capable of an unconditional positive attitude towards him.
Empathy is the ability to understand and empathize with another person. If parents show it, then a trusting atmosphere is created in the family and children grow up in an atmosphere of love and attention. Shy and secretive children do not trust adults, they are afraid of being ridiculed and punished, so talk to them more often and listen to them, show understanding and sympathy. If a child shares his experiences, then you need to appreciate and accept his trust.
Sincerity is a natural expression of one's emotions and naturalness in actions. It helps to establish a trusting relationship with the child, gives him a sense of security and promotes relaxed behavior.
An unconditional positive attitude implies acceptance of the child as he is, with all his advantages and disadvantages. Do not give in to irritation and the desire to change the child at all costs. Of course, it is impossible to support and approve everything that a child does, it is necessary to evaluate it objectively. But it is also necessary to understand his motives, difficulties and limited opportunities due to insufficient knowledge and experience. Don't give in to other people's negative comments about your child and don't let anyone speak badly of him in your presence. Understand for yourself why the child is unhappy, and take action based on parental love and benefits for his health, development and character building.
Many people after the birth of a child do not know what to do next. They remember the stereotype of their parents' behavior and try to match it: they begin to feed, water, control, teach, scold, force, etc. They do not show love towards the child, lose sincerity and naturalness. Such parents are believed that they should always love the child, should not think badly about him, should do everything for him, should always smile, and as a result they make many mistakes. The main mistake is that they try not to be themselves and turn out to be too strict and soft. They restrain their emotions, because they are afraid to show toughness where necessary or show joy and happiness, which upsets the balance of emotions and energy in the family and negatively affects the upbringing of the child, and therefore, his character and health.
In order to learn how to accept a child, you must first accept yourself as a person, as well as realize the right to both positive and negative emotions in relation to him. However, they should be shown adequately (without excessiveness, depending on the situation, in an acceptable way for education). If a person accepts himself, then he is able to accept another person, and first of all his child. It is difficult to accept a naughty and aggressive child, but after all, his behavior has been developed under the influence of the parents themselves, and relationships can be changed. Parents play the leading role in this, as it is easier for them to understand their mistakes in order to correct behavior and help the child change.
There are times when it is difficult for parents to accept a child in a certain situation. For example, because of their illness or a hard working day, they cannot play with the baby, talk with him for a long time, but you can still try to pay attention to him.
If the behavior of the child makes you dissatisfied, then you do not need to pretend that everything is fine. Children catch the duality of the behavior and internal state of their parents and stop trusting them for this reason.
The natural behavior of the parents helps the child to develop. For example, he understands that he can play any game, but if someone in the family is sick, then it is better to choose a quiet activity, without noise. If parents do not hide true feelings, then children can show different emotions, grow up more balanced, understand the feelings of others. Parents who show sincere feelings understand that other family members and relatives accept the child to varying degrees, but do not interfere unnecessarily in other people's relationships.
Acceptance makes the child feel loved. As a result, he grows confident, active, develops fully. He directs his efforts to his own development, and not to fight with his parents and win their love. Sincerity and honesty in relations with children contribute to mutual respect and understanding. If parents show them, then the children will respond in the future with the same.
Acceptance or non-acceptance of a child is manifested daily in various situations. To determine how much you accept your child, pay attention to how you evaluate him, what words it is expressed in and how often you do it. Do not speak negatively about the child himself, if necessary, express disapproval of his actions and deeds, without affecting the personality and without insults. It is necessary to let him know that you still love him, but are unhappy with the behavior and want to help improve.
“If you don’t do this, then I won’t love you”, “if you agree, then you will be good”, “if so, then you are not my son (daughter)” - such phrases are wrong, saying them, parents set conditions, making a big mistake. In this case, we are not talking about love and acceptance of the child.
Take care of the child's trust and relationship with him that developed while he was still small, but do not try to keep the growing child around all the time. If you sincerely love him, then give him independence and do not interfere with the further transition into adulthood.
Acceptance of a child, in addition to all of the above, also includes the presentation of adequate requirements for him. If parents demand too much from a child or, conversely, give him complete freedom, then such upbringing does not contribute to the harmonious development and formation of a full-fledged personality.
Parents often demand from their children what they themselves cannot achieve. If the child does not meet their expectations, then they suffer from an inferiority complex. Because they think that they did not cope with their upbringing. An example would be the requirement to study for fives in all subjects or become a champion in some kind of sport. If the child justifies the hopes of the parents, then they perceive his merits as their own. At the same time, the desires and interests of the child are left without attention, and his needs are unfulfilled.
Answering the following questions will help you understand the overestimated requirements for the child:
Do your child's failures frustrate you?
Do you get irritated if your child is unable to do something?
· Do you show love for a child if he received a bad grade, did not cope with the assignment for understandable reasons?
· Have you done anything for the child before (fastening buttons, solving problems, etc.)?
· Did the child himself choose a creative circle, a sports section, or was this activity your dream?
· Are you able to play with dignity and what kind of model are you for a child?
Do you show your child your disappointment in him?
Already from the questions it is clear that if you have not taught your child to be independent before, then it is unreasonable to demand help with the housework from him. If a child is forced to do what he is not interested in, then he lacks positive motivation and the desire to achieve.
Loving parents, who understand themselves first of all, put forward adequate requirements for the child. They take into account not only his age, capabilities and experience, but also interests. They accept him as he is, guide him in development and thus help him to realize himself in life.
If parents are aware of themselves, know how to be themselves, then they understand that the child is a separate person who has the right to individuality (dissimilarity, having their own needs and desires). Then they adequately perceive it and find ways of communication that are interesting to both parties and useful for the development of the child.
The opposite of strict and demanding parents are parents who show connivance towards their child. They do not educate the child and do not help him develop guidelines, do not explain what is possible and what is not, do not guide him in development. Such behavior of adults is associated with the unwillingness of responsibility and the inability to be an authority, a leader in relations with a child. They do not show attention to him, care little about him and do not control his behavior at all. In this case, the child is deprived of parental love and warmth. By this behavior, parents emotionally reject him, as they consider him bad. In especially severe cases, they leave the child neglected, depriving him not only of love, but also of food, clothing, and shelter.
Most often, parents formally care for their child but reject them emotionally. They do not play with him, do not engage in other joint activities, their communication is meaningless and comes down to throwing phrases, filled with reproaches. The inner world of the child is not interesting for them. If over-demanding parents have pre-planned his educational and career path, then the interests of the child himself do not matter to them.
Insufficient care for a child in preschool age among negligent parents can be replaced by excessive demands in school and adolescence. They believe that the child has grown up and now he can do everything himself, including taking care of them. Often it is these parents who are afraid to be alone in old age, so they require increased attention to themselves in advance.
The permissive attitude towards the child can also take other forms, such as perfectionism and indulgence. In the first case, parents emotionally reject the child, rationally explaining this by saying that he is not worthy of their love, because he does not fulfill the requirements or is punished. Their behavior is based on a distorted perception of the image of a child and a lack of love and respect, first of all, for themselves. Indulgence is the emotional rejection of the child against the background of permissiveness. Parents, without hesitation, satisfy the desires of their child, follow his lead, but do not show their love. They do not want to enter into a relationship with the child, do not think about him, do not notice his needs and interests. It is easier for them to allow the child anything, to give him gifts, to send him to a children's camp for a long time or to study abroad. Children in such conditions grow up spoiled and do not receive parental love and affection.
At the same time, condoning parents can prevent their child from establishing close trusting relationships with other people. Having learned about this, they try to protect him from all kinds of contacts. In some cases, indulgence turns into cruelty.
Another option for insufficient child care is compensatory overprotection. Parents do not accept the child completely on an emotional level, but they want to appear good. As a result, they begin to think about him all the time, overprotect him, worry about his health. They always think that something can happen to the child, he is in the center of their attention, but such a perception does not contribute to the development of the child's personality and leads to illness.
Those parents who read parenting literature, turn to psychologists for help, usually love their children, are interested in them and want to raise them to be full-fledged personalities. Among them, fortunately, there are practically no negative forms of education with excessively high demands and complete connivance, however, such elements can sometimes be noticed. Revealing and realizing this helps to find a way to correct the mistake by changing your attitude towards the child and applying effective methods of education.
The material was prepared according to: M.P. Luganskaya, E.Yu. Yaroslavtsev Crises of childhood: we bring up without crying.
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