Habits of stupid people who want to appear smart. To act or to appear: Why people want to be good A person wants to appear better than he is

This topic involuntarily arises when you notice that these days it has become fashionable to be “bad”.
Bad - not only in the literal sense of the word, and further it will be clear what is meant here.

Now it has become very fashionable to be, say, a social phobe, a misanthrope, and to attach other “diagnoses” to yourself that emphasize your separation from society, from other people, elevating loneliness and “individuality” to a cult.

This happens for many reasons, one of which is dissatisfaction with oneself, and ordinary fear. A person immurs his energy, prohibiting it from functioning normally, tries to be unsociable, shuns other people... and perhaps communicates only with a “selected” circle, considering only them worthy of communication and friendship.
This all sounds rather exaggerated, but in fact now this happens all the time.

In the Internet space, many communities are being created, with loud names “Cynics”, “Misanthrope”, “Sociophobes” and so on. People join them to show others that they are not simpletons, but mysterious loners who do not recognize the “crowd.”

In childhood, many fairy tales show us that goodness: weak, obedient, resigned... it always suffers troubles.
Yes, at the end of the fairy tale it almost always wins, but that’s not the point....
But evil, although it is defeated at the end of the stories, is so charismatic, so cunning!

So, these days, many have begun to do everything possible to close themselves off from people. To appear “bad”, unsociable, “impudent”... a kind of lone wolf.

It’s good if a person doesn’t get used to his image, and still takes off this mask, under which he is white and fluffy.
But for many, this way of thinking and living becomes their norm.
And there are a million of these social phobes and misanthropes walking around the world who invented this for themselves, and who in fact are not the happiest people.

It's easier to be bad. There are no hopes for you from the start. You can't disappoint anyone, because you're already bad. This is a kind of protection from others, a fear of being accepted by someone.

Such people simply “freeze” their energy, preventing it from functioning, and their bodies begin to suffer.
Anger, hostility, envy and other similar things make a person “rot”. After a while, his health begins to suffer.

Therefore, playing in such an image does not lead to anything good, causing a person to suffer not only mentally, but also physically.

The growth of wisdom can be accurately measured by the degree of decrease in anger.

Said the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.

And there is truth in this. Spiritually rich, wise people are always kind and bright. They may be strict, but there is no anger or aggression, envy or other things in them.

Therefore, if you notice in yourself a desire to be such a “loner”, not recognizing the people around you, if you want to be bad, find the reason, the fear that pushes you to this, and try to get rid of it once and for all.

Debates about what behavior is considered good, periodically arise in peacetime, but disagreements become especially acute after major tragedies - this can be seen by scrolling through the feed on any social network. It’s not that truth is always born in such debates, because humanity has not yet invented even a universal concept of good. Nina Mashurova found out from experts why people still want to be good, how prosocial behavior affects health and how it is connected to the meaning of life.

Ingrid Haas

Associate Professor of Political Science, Director of the Political Relations Laboratory at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln

To understand why people want to be good, I think it's worth thinking about social motivation: how it functions and how it evolved. Everyone has a set of moral and ideological beliefs that help form an opinion about how society should be structured and what behavior is considered right or wrong. These beliefs may be based on religion, but do not have to be (atheists and agnostics have morals too). Ideology and morality help people find meaning in the world in which they live. From these beliefs we derive our understanding of society and our place in the world. Social psychology shows that people are highly motivated and want to belong to a group and feel that they can make a “valuable” contribution to its life. So being nice helps strengthen relationships and helps you find meaning or purpose in life.

If you include cynicism, people benefit from being good because there are a number of social punishments for those who behave badly or do not contribute enough to society. People who violate moral norms or expectations (for example, by harming others or being dishonest with them) may be ostracized by their family, friends, and other social groups. Recent research in psychology shows that loneliness has a negative impact on a person, so I think we all have an incentive to be good so as not to lose our social status. But, importantly, this all applies to groups where good behavior is valued and where actions are generally evaluated. Therefore, people are less likely to behave well when they know they won't get caught or that they can do something anonymously. Moreover, if people unite in groups where bad behavior is valued, this measure of bad behavior becomes even stricter over time: this is how the “bonds” of such a social circle are strengthened.

Jeff Fletcher

systems scientist at Portland State University

Perhaps it's because the desire to be good serves evolutionary purposes, just like hunger and lust. From our individual experiences, we may conclude that we eat to satisfy hunger and have sex to satisfy our sexual desires, but from an evolutionary perspective, these needs make us more resilient and increase our chances of having healthy offspring. The evolution of mammals (including humans) suggests that individuals who experience greater hunger leave more offspring.

If the desire to be good is an innate mechanism, then presumably it is all the more important for a person to be good. But from a Darwinian point of view, more selfish individuals receive more resources and raise more successful offspring. This is a long-standing mystery of evolutionary biology: how to explain good, that is, unselfish behavior? One theory goes back to Darwin's doctrine itself, the idea that natural selection can occur at multiple levels. If human evolution involved intense competition between tribes, and tribes consisted mostly of unselfish members (loyal to each other and willing to fight on the front lines), then good behavior might be considered more advantageous at the group level.

People want to be nice to those in their group

There are two points that I need to make. First: selfish people in predominantly unselfish tribes were loners and were punished. From the point of view of multilevel selection, what emerged from this was a balance between within-group selection (emphasis on unselfishness) and intergroup selection (emphasis on selfishness). From a psychological point of view, humans have developed both the skill of distinguishing between liars and selfish people, and a sense of justice that tells them to punish liars for the benefit of the whole group.

Second, very selfish or very good behavior in groups may be the result of intense competition between groups. I would say that people want to be nice to those they consider to be in their group - that is, with whom they can feel empathy. And of course, we all belong to several groups with varying levels of similarity between members. Some groups are very broad and can include not only all people (and, accordingly, advocate for their rights), but also animals. Others are less extensive, such as a family, a sect, or adherents of a particular denomination. The suicide bombers in the latest news may well have the goal of being good within the group with which they associate themselves, but, unfortunately, their behavior towards other groups, which they regard as outsiders, is extremely cruel.

That is, I believe that there is a dark side to the desire to be good, especially when it comes to opposing groups (this desire can be part of human nature). On the other hand, it is impossible not to note the progress we have made in the field of human rights and our ability to empathize with others.

Ariel Knafo-Noam

specialist in psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem

There are many reasons why people want to be good. We are social animals. From birth we are part of one relationship or another. We may have evolved with a desire or need to help and share with others because such prosocial behavior helps build communication and strengthens the bond between group members, and the group is our means of survival. This desire to help others may include empathy, which is the ability to feel the same way as loved ones. Another theory for the origin of this desire is related to the parental instinct, which is necessary for babies to survive. Once the system of relations between parent and child was established, it could spread to other relationships.

Of course, in life everything is more complicated. We don't help everyone we meet (and that may not be a good idea in general). Other factors, such as reciprocity and relationship quality, influence our ability to behave prosocially. And any help can be motivated by different things. For example, people may give money to charity just to avoid turning down someone's request, or to get a tax benefit, or to feel better morally - all of these reasons can be present at the same time. All these motives follow from the importance of the social component in everyone’s life: we worry about others and what they will think about us. This is what makes us behave well.

Yensia Chao

Director of the Center for Taoist Studies, University of Wales Trinity and St David's

From a Confucian perspective, man is naturally good, so he has a natural compassion for children and other families and communities. Greed, prejudice and other man-made passions are what hinder good behavior. Taoists believe that all creatures, including humans, originated from the Tao, and it was the Tao that gave birth to Qi (vital energy and the power of reproduction), therefore all beings should have the same good nature, which contributes to enrichment and growth - not only one's own, but also the group's , for the welfare of all living beings.

Surely, everyone at least once in their life has found themselves in a situation where they have an irresistible desire to impress others by showing off their abilities and achievements. For these purposes, people use different methods. Some people praise their appearance, some show off their ingenuity, some openly admire their high level of intelligence.

Rice. Why do many low-income people want to appear rich?

But some individuals try to impress others by posing as rich, while they themselves subsist from water to bread, without a penny to their name. What motivates these people, what motivates them when they adhere to such tactics of behavior? What are they hoping for? Experienced psychologists are confident that this method will help deceive only those who are even stupider and poorer.

What was it like before and what is happening now?

Most often, young people try to achieve respect and arouse envy among others using this method. Many worthy people, especially older and wiser people, wonder where the old value system has gone. Previously, young people were proud of having a gold medal, entering a university, and getting a prestigious job, although not a highly paid one.

Why do current values ​​boil down to being, and not, for example, smart, resourceful, literate, cheerful? What makes parents instill such moral values ​​in their children? Surely, the process of moral transformation of society has deep political implications. But let’s not touch on politics; let’s focus on the psychological aspect of this problem.

Goal or illusion?

Always be exclusively proud of your knowledge, abilities and talents, of what truly belongs to you. Be sure that empty chatter will not be able to raise you in the eyes of others, making you a respected person and creating the image of a successful person. Don't waste your life emptyly proving things that don't exist. Don’t try to show that you have a thousand in your pocket when there is only a ruble in there!

But after a while it is completely impossible to understand what is “I” and what is just another mask that “I” pulled on itself with the best intentions.

The man collected these masks all his life. And one day he realized that time was running out, but someone else was living in his place. After all, the true “I” was never revealed to the world. He was afraid and hid what really mattered. He did not allow himself to manifest himself for what he was born for. He threw a blanket of fear of rejection over his soul. And now he suffers, because in fact he has neither friends nor enemies...

What is easier: to be or to seem?

What pushes us to invent image after image for ourselves, what makes us abandon our essence? A person has only himself, so why and for what is he trying to forget this?

They say it's easier to seem than to be. But is it? How much energy do we expend to maintain a certain halo?

An insecure guy tries to hide his insecurity and chooses a mask that is the opposite of his quality. However, if a person has a vulnerable spot, trying to solve this problem in this way looks ridiculous and stupid. Our true strengths and weaknesses come from within. People seem to exude confidence, charm, intelligence, success.

When an insecure guy wants to deceive everyone around him, he has to make faces in order to support the desired image with external behavior. And he begins to behave frankly rude and defiantly. He doesn't know what real confidence is, because he doesn't feel it. Then he simply puts on a mask of the other extreme, replacing uncertainty with excessive self-confidence. One antisocial quality is covered by another.

The result of such a substitution will obviously not bring good results. After all, this clownery cannot look natural. Our insecure guy makes arrogant and impudent statements, trying to evoke fear and respect, but receives aggression and misunderstanding in response.

When a person plays a role, his external behavior contradicts his internal state, and this leads to nervous tension. The subconscious always knows the truth and cannot be deceived or silenced. Thus, when faced with an undesirable reaction from the game of self-confidence, a person receives a double dose of stress. So maybe it's better to be who you are and not try to seem better?

How we convince ourselves of lies

Sometimes we get so carried away that we ourselves begin to believe in our own image. Then the thread leading to the true cause of our unnatural behavior is broken, and a new complex is formed. That is why low self-esteem often lives in one person next to a feeling of inflated importance, cruelty next to vulnerability, arrogance next to uncertainty.

We can convince ourselves of anything, but only for a while. If the internal conflict is not resolved, it will return sooner or later. And we will have to make a choice again: begin to unravel the tangle of our complexes or come up with a few more protective patterns of behavior in order to at least for some time delay the moment of realizing our imperfection.

A man walks along the road of life. When for some reason he gets hurt, he comes up with an image for himself. And this image helps him move on. So, when faced with condemnation, he puts on a mask. Perhaps it will be the mask of a rebel, perhaps a person who doesn’t care, or maybe a moralist. In any case, this is an attempt to appear, but not to be. A person came up with an algorithm of behavior for himself that is most suitable for protection from the outside world. But can a person think through everything? Time will pass and something will remind him of the pain of rejection. Some will find his morals deficient, others will laugh at his rebellious nature, and his mask of indifference will be useless when those who are important to him do not accept and share his views. What can a person do? Shelter under yet another dragon skin? Or maybe we shouldn’t deny our essence and help ourselves?

Be

It seems to us that we are strong and independent, but why do we become depressed because people do not understand us? We shout about our free-thinking, but why are we worried about what others think? We declare our uniqueness and originality, but do we ourselves see any idea in our creativity?

In a fierce struggle with myself, I searched for years for the answer to “who I should be.” And if it is more correct to be yourself, then who is “I”? Sometimes we are so afraid to show ourselves to the world. We are afraid that we will not be accepted, and this fear makes us distort and deform our own individuality.

When a person accepts himself, he accepts the whole world. And for him there is no longer any rejection. Pride and hatred are alien to those who choose to be and not to appear. Vices do not exist where there is no comparison.

Now I understand that being yourself is easier than seeming like someone else. And now I only do what comes from my soul. There is no point in being ashamed, there is no point in suffering from judgmental looks when you are you. You still won't be able to deceive yourself, but there's no reason to. Man is beautiful and unique. And everything that comes from its depths is filled with meaning and beauty. And the one who looks condemningly simply does not understand this, he simply did not take off his masks.

The main ills of our time are lies and duplicity. From a psychological point of view, lying is a bad habit, a consequence of a bad character and poor upbringing. What is the spiritual view on this problem?

I think the main reason people lie is fear and lack of self-confidence. A person wants to appear better than he is, he is afraid to fail. If we add to this personal complexes, ambitions, envy, then lies and pretense become both a tool for achieving goals and a way of life for such a person.

Of course, upbringing, the level of culture, and manners instilled by parents play an important role in this problem. It is from the family that we learn fundamental concepts about life and the “matrix” of behavior. Unfortunately, recently, parents from a young age have been trying to teach their children to achieve their goals in any way. This is the so-called psychology of leadership - if you are kind, honest and sentimental, then you will simply be “eaten up” by stronger ones. Life is regarded as competition, struggle, and virtuous character traits as weakness. We are already reaping the bitter fruits of such an approach to life - the lumpenization of society, the inability to hear and understand others, disunity and embitterment. As the Holy Scripture says: “The fathers have eaten sour grapes, but the teeth of the children are set on edge” (Ezek. 18:2). It’s not surprising, because false priorities lead to false goals. Initially, the deception in this case lies in the fact that a real leader is not one who knows how to manipulate people and benefit from everything, but one who is able to sacrifice himself for the sake of others.

I am talking about this to make it clear that lying is not only a personal problem for an individual person, but it is something that can globally influence the life of the entire society and even all of humanity. And with all the diverse types of human lies, the circumstances of their occurrence, it is obvious that its main reason lies exclusively in the spiritual realm. It is no coincidence that the second name of the devil is Liar, Slanderer. This is the original reason for the dark energy with which the slightest untruth, any distortion of the truth is associated.

Lying is not just a sin. This is the main “component” of sin, it is the basis of any sinful action or thought. Probably, a person would never sin if he were not deceived by the messages of sin. As St. Basil the Great says, “Hell cannot be made attractive, so the devil makes the road there attractive.” Sin always deceives a person, and in each of his falls, the sinner becomes a hostage to lies.

According to the teachings of the Venerable Abba Dorotheos, lies are manifested in three ways: in thought, in word, and in life itself. If a lie by thought consists in the unintentional replacement of the true self with a certain “role” in which a person would like to see himself, then a lie by word is already a conscious distortion of reality. By the concept of “lie by life,” Abba Dorotheos refers to the deep sinful depravity of a person who is accustomed to vice, is not afraid of it, and is not embarrassed. But since public opinion still condemns vice, but still values ​​virtue, a person considers it advantageous to hide under a virtuous mask. This lie lies in the cynical duality of life itself.

Abba Dorotheos names three reasons that prompt people to lie, which are also the basis of all sin. This is, firstly, voluptuousness, that is, the desire to fulfill every desire; secondly, love of money - the desire to acquire material values; and thirdly, love of fame, which in the case of the monks was expressed in a reluctance to humble themselves.

- Lies on the outside give rise to lies to oneself: a person ceases to expose himself, to admit to himself honestly what he has done. This leads to false confession and, as a result, to depression. How to start telling the truth to yourself? And what are the consequences of self-deception?

Saint Theophan the Recluse teaches that “one must be able to divide oneself into oneself and the enemy hidden within me.” The main trick of the devil is that he convinces a person that his thoughts and feelings are himself. When we begin to separate ourselves from our own emotions, feelings and thoughts, they can no longer control us.

Self-deception is always associated with self-justification, the belief that anyone can be to blame for a particular problem, but not myself. Avoiding problems in this way deprives a person of the opportunity to solve them. Therefore, the Monk Paisius the Svyatogorets said: “By justifying yourself, it is as if you are building a wall separating you from God, and thus breaking off all connection with him.” We need to learn to be responsible before God and people for our lives, actions and thoughts. Don’t bury your head in the sand, but open your heart to God, who, seeing a person’s sincere aspiration, will always help and guide you on the true path.

The starting point of everyone’s spiritual life is an honest look turned inward. That is why the holy fathers said that the first sign of recovery of the soul is the vision of one’s sins, as countless as the sand of the sea. Until a person realizes the depth of his fall, sees his weakness and tries to build his life on his own, only disappointment and endless wandering await him. Passions blind us and manipulate our consciousness. Therefore, in order to see the real picture of your situation, you need to shift your own ego from the center of life and look at yourself from a different perspective. It is important, in addition to your shortcomings and spiritual illnesses, to also see the One who can cure them. It is only in the power of the Lord to save us from ourselves, our own passions and sinful habits. Without God, an honest look at yourself can end in despondency and despair. Spiritual illnesses are cured by the grace that a person receives in the Sacraments of the Church, prayer and repentance.

The Gospel gives us not only the truth about ourselves, but also hope for correction. I came across an interesting analogy from one spiritual writer. He compared the sinful fall of a person to exercise on a trampoline: the lower the point of fall, the higher the person “rises” in repentance. Therefore, knowing the truth about yourself, honestly exposing your shortcomings, seeing them is not self-flagellation or humiliation, but the only way out of the personality crisis.

Interviewed by Natalya Goroshkova