Problems of fathers and children in the modern world. The problem of fathers and children - where is the solution? Rudeness as a family tradition

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ESSEONTOPIC:

In the discipline "Fundamentals of Psychology and Pedagogy"

“Relationships between fathers and children in modern society”

The relationship that develops between parents and children is a decisive moment of socialization. They reveal themselves at the most crucial moment - when a person is most susceptible to good and evil, trusting and open to everything new. These relationships last a lifetime and therefore have the most lasting impact. Parent-child relationships are the closest and most intimate relationships that exist in society.

Family problems are the main ones in the modern period. A person is formed as an individual in the family, determines his worldview and attitude, thanks to family values. The relationship between parents and children determines the formation of personality, moral values, the choice of a future path, and relationships in the child’s future family. The relationship between parents and children is the basis of every family.

No one doubts that the greatest influence on a person is family. It is parents who primarily shape the personality of their child. In his eyes, parents appear:

* as a role model, the embodiment of wisdom and the best human qualities;

* as an older friend and adviser who can be trusted with everything.

The relationship between these functions and their psychological significance change with age.

The influence of parents during growing up can be considered the main one. Parents determine the nature of their children’s assimilation of social, religious and political values, help them understand what is happening, and teach them kindness and compassion.

The following factors are of particular importance for the formation of the moral views of children in the family:

1. Parental warmth, mutual respect in the family, trust in the child.

2. Family discipline, type of punishment applied.

3. The role assigned to the child in the family hierarchy.

4. The degree of independence provided to the child.

The moral development of a child is possible only in a family atmosphere where mutual respect and trust reign. Children who are emotionally dependent on their parents and have a strong attachment to them grow up to be more conscientious than those who did not know such a relationship.

Warm, sincere relationships contribute to the fact that children respect their parents, admire them and strive to become like them, which ultimately develops positive moral qualities in young people.

Most teenagers would like to see their parents as friends and advisers. For all their desire for independence, they are in dire need of life experience and the help of elders. The family remains the place where a teenager or young man feels most calm and confident.

Each parent chooses what type of relationship he will follow when raising a child. There are different types: authoritarian, liberal, democratic, indifferent.

When raising children, I would choose a democratic type of upbringing; with the help of this type, it is much easier to find a common language with children.

Misunderstandings often arise between children and parents, which arise for many reasons. Let's take a closer look at the reasons for tension in relationships. The first reason is different views on the world and on ourselves.

The second reason is the incompetence of parents in matters of mass culture in which teenagers live, and in the use of modern technology. At one time, my parents also loved rock music, but today their tastes have changed. They already condemn what they don't understand or what they don't like.

The third reason is a difference in values. In their mature years, parents become not just realists, but to some extent even cynics; they lose their youthful illusions. Parents already know that the world cannot be changed, and have fully mastered the art of accepting things as they are. Children are always maximalists, so they are intolerant of adults who persuade them to accept the “existing state of affairs.” One common belief is that all teenagers are in confrontation with their parents and their values. But that's not true. Nobody argues: indeed, adolescence is the time when children begin to strive for independence. During this period, parents cease to be the main object of love for their children. But neither one nor the other is aware of the changes taking place. They are only upset about them.

Despite the disagreements between parents and their children, it can be said that teenagers for the most part are still guided by their parents and share their values, and alienation from their parents is nothing more than a delusion. Children and parents try to find beneficial options for both parties, because this is the only way to avoid tension in the family.

In general, problems in family relationships are almost impossible to avoid. It is only possible to regulate their frequency, depth, and consequences. Given the general atmosphere of harmony in the family, quarrels also have positive aspects, as they provide an opportunity to practice methods of reconciliation. Family members must learn to “share”, respect each other’s feelings and desires, and resolve differences. You can understand another person only if you respect him, accepting him as some kind of autonomous reality. Haste, inability and unwillingness to listen, to understand what is happening in the complex world of youth, to try to look at the problem through the eyes of a son or daughter, smug confidence in the infallibility of one’s life experience - this is what primarily creates a psychological barrier between parents and growing children.

From personal experience, we can say that love makes children happy; it meets a basic physiological and psychological need that remains unchanged throughout the child’s growing up. Children who are treated unlovingly do not develop properly, even if they are raised well in everything else. Parental love should look for advantages in their child; there is no need to look for shortcomings, they, as a rule, are always on the surface. At the same time, parents must remember that shortcomings can be corrected only when this is done without sarcasm and irony, mockery and accusations. They are corrected in the presence of love.

Not the least role in relationships is played by the authority of parents, which largely depends on how much they themselves know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As a result, only the good example of a father and mother can give rise to good fruit.

The world is changing, children of the 21st century have different information capabilities, they can do a lot of things that their parents cannot. I believe that parents should learn to understand children, only then children will reciprocate their understanding, respect, trust, acceptance of choice and most importantly - love. It is very important that education is proactive, anticipating those difficult situations that may arise in families, and not just a statement. Then we can talk about positive results in the system of relationships between parents and children.

The family is the basis in which a person’s personality, values, worldview and attitude are formed. It is the family that determines the moral and legal norms of relations between parents and children. Parents are increasingly thinking about their relationships with their children, trying to devote as much time and attention to them as possible, which provides a solid foundation for these relationships.

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“THE PROBLEM OF FATHERS AND CHILDREN IN MODERN SOCIETY”

Good afternoon, dear parents! Today we devote our conversation to the problem of all times and peoples...

The problem of fathers and children. This is a problem in the life of all states. The problem is one of the oldest on earth. After all, Socrates, who lived in the 5th century BC, spoke about this problem: “Today’s youth are accustomed to luxury. She has bad manners, despises authority, and does not respect elders. Children argue with their parents, greedily swallow food and harass teachers.” Isn’t it true, as if Socrates was expounding the thoughts of our contemporaries?

Many great people have spoken about the generational conflict. Turgenev dedicated his work “Fathers and Sons” to this problem. More than 100 years have passed, and the problem still exists.

The conflict of generations is the confrontation between old and new, a real fact that each of us faces in everyday life. This problem becomes more acute as our children grow older. The situation is complicated by the fact that there is no continuity of generations based on traditions. We are children of another time, and it is stupid to deny this fact.

Today we will try to find the answer to the questions: Will we resolve the conflict between fathers and children? Why do conflicts arise? Who is to blame for the fact that we often fall into the traps of family communication?

In order to successfully resolve emerging contradictions between generations, find a common language with a child and thus influence the dynamics of his development, it is important to know some rules of behavior and communication.

First of all, parents should remember the age-related psychophysiological characteristics of early adolescence (15-17 years old).

This age is a crucial transition period in the life of any person. It is no coincidence that this age is called a crisis age; it is associated with growth difficulties and requires a particularly careful approach on the part of parents and teachers. A distinctive feature of this stage of development can be expressed in the words: “No longer a child, but not yet an adult.”

Personal changes are manifested in behavioral reactions and judgments. This is nihilism, maximalism, egocentrism. Meanwhile, the desire to be different from everyone else is the satisfaction of the need to establish oneself, to declare oneself as an individual, to attract attention.

These manifestations are due to both physiological and psychological characteristics in development.

During this transition period, the nervous system still has some weakness, which is why a young person can relatively quickly move from a state of excitement to inhibition, hence the sudden mood swings

At this time, the functioning of the endocrine glands in the body increases: thyroid, reproductive, pituitary gland. It is this fact that influences hypersexuality and increased interest in the opposite sex.

As you know, the pituitary gland influences bone growth. Therefore, adolescents have angular, clumsy movements, which can cause an inferiority complex, since for some the maturation processes are faster, while for others it is slower.

Another problem is related to physiology - the growth of bone tissue exceeds the growth of muscle mass, so during this period parents need to especially carefully monitor the correct and rational nutrition of their children.

Increased fatigue, due to underdevelopment of the cardiovascular and nervous systems, can be expressed in negative behavioral reactions; from aggressiveness to complete apathy to what is happening around. As you can see, our children at the age of 15-17 are going through a very difficult period in their lives and therefore, more than ever, they need the attention and understanding of adults, and above all their parents.

There is a misconception that teenagers, due to their own maturation, avoid communication with adults. On the contrary, the need of young men and women to grow up, as well as their desire to hide their weak sides of personality in front of others, is expressed in the urgent need for confidential communication with close adults and parents.

The main point of any communication between teenagers and adults is to find understanding, sympathy, and help in what worries them at the moment.

Due to age distance, parents face some problems, and children face others. Naturally, their needs also differ. So why are we surprised that our children do not grow up the way we would like?

One of the reasons is that we do not understand ourselves while trying to understand our child. Let's try to find out what positions we take most often in communicating with a child.

The first and most common position is the positionvictims . A person in this position is trying to evoke compassion, pity, and sympathy. The favorite phrases of such a person are: “What should I do, he doesn’t listen to me at all? I can't do anything about him."

Next position-prosecutor . A person in the position of a prosecutor always talks down to him. He teaches, commands, condemns, but never understands. Phrases: “You are always like this! I know what's best for you! You yourself are to blame for everything!” - the most characteristic expressions of the prosecutor.

And finally, the third position isextra . A person in the position of an extra comments on events and actions. The peculiarity is that all phrases begin the same way “if…”. And then there are thoughts about third parties. Long ornate phrases, references to sayings of great people, folk wisdom, proverbs, sayings. In contrast to the fiery indictment of the prosecutor, the tone of the extra's conversation is cold.

The above listed positions in communication with a teenager are destructive in nature. They can cause such negative feelings in a child that we, adults, are not even aware of.

Only those parents who understand, accept and recognize the teenager can achieve mutual understanding with a teenager.

Understanding – this is the ability to see your child “from the inside.” Look at the world from two points of view simultaneously - your own and the teenager's.

Acceptance means an unconditional, positive attitude towards a teenager, regardless of whether he met our expectations in some way or not.

Confession the uniqueness of a teenager - recognition of his right to vote and choice in certain situations.

During adolescence, our children especially need trusting relationships from adults. Therefore, to achieve mutual understanding in the family, parents need to learn to listen and hear.

The ability to listen is a skill necessary for every person and parents in particular. Parents often misunderstand this term. After all, maintaining silence with difficulty and waiting for your turn to speak in response to your interlocutor’s speech does not at all mean the ability to listen. Moreover, if your interlocutor is a teenager who defends his point of view, perceives many things with hostility and is ready to be offended and withdrawn at any moment.

How and when should you actively listen?

This should be done in all situations when a teenager is upset, has failed, is in pain or is ashamed, that is, when he has emotional problems.

As an illustrative example, consider the following common situation. The son comes home after school, throws his briefcase and shouts: “I won’t go to this stupid school anymore!”

How to react correctly? What to tell a teenager? How to remain calm, especially if at this moment you yourself are tired, irritated, absorbed in your problems? The ones that most often come to mind are the usual, automatic responses, from which you can compile an impressive list of parenting mistakes.

These are orders, commands, threats (“What, then, I won’t go?! Do you want to remain ignorant? Become a janitor? If you don’t study, you won’t get a penny from me!”), or morals and moral teachings, to which children develop the so-called “psychological deafness”, when they stop hearing you at all, criticism and reprimands (“Everyone’s children are like children, but mine... And who are you like? What have you done there again?”), ridicule and accusations (“You It's your own fault! Don't argue with the teacher! You're a poor student!").

And this is not a complete list of incorrect reactions of parents to the behavior of a teenager.

Perhaps parents do this with the best intentions, wanting to explain, teach, appeal to conscience, point out mistakes and shortcomings... But in fact, they are throwing out their negative emotions. And of course, such parental behavior does not contribute to establishing better contact and resolving the problem. Rather, irritation and resentment on both sides increases even more, and can develop into conflict.

How to avoid conflict using active listening techniques.

Let's look at it using the same example.

Son , throwing his briefcase, with anger, “I won’t go to school anymore”Parent , after a pause, turning to face the child and looking him straight in the eyes, he states, “You don’t want to go to school anymore.”

Son irritably “The math girl is picking on me!”Parent , pausing, as if empathizing with the child, expresses himself in the affirmative, “Something upset you in math class.”

Son already with resentment she says, “I did this test myself, and she says that I copied it from someone again.”Parent “I understand you, it’s really offensive.”

Son “She’s always nagging me...”

Parent . “I think I would be upset too...”

Son “At least you understand me... Okay, it happened that I cheated... But I will prove to her and everyone else that I can solve problems on my own!”

As you understand, this is just one of the options for talking with your child in a difficult situation for him. But whatever the situation, the goal of parents is an uncritical assessment of what is happening.

Having made sure that the adult is ready to listen, the teenager usually begins to talk more and more about himself and most often moves forward in solving his problem. And on the other hand, we show by example how important it is to be able to listen and hear your interlocutor.

However, it is important to remember that active listening is not a way to get something from a teenager, but simply a way to establish better contact, a way to show a teenager that we understand him and love him for who he is.

Undoubtedly, the feelings and experiences of a teenager deserve attention from parents. But what to do in cases where a parent needs understanding? And how to communicate with a teenager in cases where his behavior deviates from the norms and rules accepted in the family. There are different ways to communicate to a teenager about the feelings experienced by their parents. Unfortunately, we often do this ineffectively. Anger, irritation or resentment, even fair bad advisers. Giving in to our emotions, we can raise our voices, demand immediate obedience, threaten punishment, etc. We do this with the good intention of changing the teenager’s unwanted behavior for the better, but to no avail. The teenager reacts aggressively or does not react at all. However, even after being convinced of the ineffectiveness of this approach, many parents continue to act in the same way, seeing no other way out. And this is a dead end situation.

“How many times should I repeat: clean up the mess in your room immediately!”

“You skip class, and I have to blush for you.”

“You never come home on time! Next time you’ll spend the night under the door!”

The mistake of these and similar statements is that they all negatively evaluate not only the behavior, but also the personality of the teenager itself, which, of course, cannot be done. Due to the predominance of the pronouns “you”, “thee”, “you”, these statements are called “You-statements”

1.”I feel embarrassed when guests see your untidy room. It’s so cozy when it’s put away.”

2.”Today the class teacher called about your attendance. I felt very ashamed during the conversation, and I would like to avoid these experiences. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, and if you need help, we can talk about it.”

3.”When someone in the family comes later than we agreed, I worry so much that I can’t find a place for myself. I would like to see you at home by ten o'clock in the evening, and in special cases we can make separate arrangements. Then I will feel calm."

Despite the apparent simplicity of such statements, their use is not easy for most parents. It’s unusual to talk about your feelings in this form; it’s difficult to resist exercising parental authority.

Nevertheless, this method is effective because it is based on trust and respect and can serve as a transition to dialogue and finding a solution to the problem.

We can talk about the problems of fathers and children for a very long time, but let me end my speech today with a statement from Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy, who said: “Happy is he who is happy at home.” And I want to wish you so much patience, wisdom and pedagogical tact so that your children run not from home, but home.

The problem of fathers and children: features of the 21st century.
Currently, the problem of parents and children is especially relevant. And the main problem is the relationship between children and fathers.
If we compare the 90s and the present, we can conclude that children and fathers do not quite understand each other, and sometimes there is a complete loss of communication.
With what it can be connected? My subjective opinion is this:
firstly, children began to devote a lot of time to gadgets, computer games, and various know-how, which most often turn children into puppets of an illusory world. And fathers, who at least should be the head of the family, do not look at and do not devote time to their children, do not teach something new, do not tell their life stories in order to make some impression on them of past years, do not read literature from by their children, which leads to the degradation of children and understanding of the realities of life;
secondly, parents, especially fathers, began to devote a lot of time to work. Of course, on the one hand, it is good that the family lives in abundance and does not need anything, but for a long time such a pastime will affect the children, because... they will miss their father's attention, care and love, which is extremely important! Children perceive this as alienation; one mother will not be able to put the father on the “pedestal”; affection should come not only from one parent, but from the whole family as a whole. Immersed in work, fathers do not raise their children; they see them only in the evening, if not at night - before bed. And this is a complete loss of connection between children and fathers;
thirdly, based on the second point, why do fathers “plow like they’re rooted to the spot”... The state imposes various taxes on us citizens. Yes, it's natural. But not all citizens of the Russian Federation are the upper and not even the middle class, because, in fact, in our country there are only upper and lower layers of the population. From this comes the answer from the second paragraph: “parents, especially fathers, began to devote a lot of time to work.” The father is the head of the family, but what good is he when he is absent from raising a child for most of his life - a life when children need fatherly advice, attention and discipline.
From the third point, if you think deeply, you can draw the most important conclusion. What do you think: are crimes and offenses committed by the lower or upper strata of the population most often? I think the majority will answer that they are inferior, because this is actually the case. When there was no discipline in the family, some rigidity and fairness in raising a child, he became uncontrollable and lawless. After all, he was not taught: “what is good and what is bad.” And based on this, children commit crimes in order to somehow diversify their miserable lives: to feel “richer” and cooler than others. They commit crimes not because their direct goal is to commit an illegal act, but because they compare their lives with their peers and other people on a subconscious level who were or are richer than them. After all, not everyone likes to be “fun” for others.
I also agree that in some families there are no fathers. This is also a pressing problem in our life. Mothers cannot give children the education that a father can give. And children, looking at their peers, understand that their mother will not teach them what their father will teach. Children become attached to friends and their fathers with the goal that they will be taught something - taught by the head of the family, which the child does not have. This is not always the right decision, but not the right one. After all, you never know what someone else’s father can teach.
Based on the above, we can draw a conclusion. This problem is really relevant today. The problem of relationships between children and fathers is part of public life. We need to learn to find common ground and devote more time to allow fathers’ attention to influence the upbringing of their children. As the English writer and publicist George Herbert said: “One father is worth more than a hundred teachers.”

04.04.2016

“Children, be obedient to your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, so that they do not become discouraged” is one of the main maxims that the Holy Scripture offers us as a model for organizing relations between generations. Why is the problem of fathers and sons so relevant now? Are there spiritual reasons for the now common rudeness and disobedience? Priest Vyacheslav Lemeshko, head of the youth department of the Maykop diocese, reflects on this.

Rudeness as a family tradition?

Most of us grew up outside of religion, outside of Orthodoxy. Now we have come to the temple. We have our own children, pupils, and we would like them not to repeat many of our mistakes, to be wiser, better and cleaner than us from the very beginning, from a young age. But since we ourselves are deprived of any religious roots and family church traditions, every minute we are faced with a mass of intractable problems in education.

Everybody knows, that God expelled Adam and Eve from paradise because they disobeyed him... This passage from the Bible is the best evidence that the problem of “fathers and sons” has been and will always be relevant. Of course, children cannot obey and indulge their parents in everything, because this is innate in us. Each of us is an individual and each has his own point of view. This is mine, for example.

We can't copy anyone, including parents. The most we can do to be more similar to them is to choose the same path in life as our them. Some, for example, serve in the army because their ancestors were military, and some treat people, just like their father and like Evgeniy Bazarov.

Bazarova impossible to repeat and at the same time there is something from each of us in it. This is a man of no great intelligence, who has his own point of view and knows how to defend it.

In the novel " Fathers and children" we observe a rare picture for literature of the 17th century - a confrontation of opinions of different generations. "Old people" are more conservative, and the young are supporters of progress. Consequently, there is a stumbling point.

In the novel the fathers They defend aristocracy, respect for authority, the Russian people and love. But while talking about many things, they often forget about the little things.

Children defend their interests and point of view, and they do it well. But their worldview lacks what every person should have - compassion and romanticism. The point is not that they deprived themselves of passionate feelings inside, long expectations of their beloved for a date, and painful separation from her. All this came to them, but to some early, for example, to Arkady, and to others late, to Bazarov. Arkady, perhaps, will taste the joys of life with Katya, but Bazarov was not destined to wake up from the coma in which he lived all this time before he fell ill.

Apart from disagreements between generations there is still that wonderful feeling, without which the world is a grave, and this feeling is love. In the novel, “children” love their parents very much, but each expresses this in their own way: some throw themselves on the neck, others calmly extend their hand for a handshake.

In the world there is "Father and Sons" relations between which can be described as the warmest. The Father is God, and the Sons are people, disagreements are impossible in this family: the children are grateful to him for giving them life and earthly joys, the Father, in turn, loves his children and does not demand anything in return. In principle, the problem of “Fathers and Sons” can be solved, but not completely. The most important thing is to respect each other, because love and understanding are based on respect, that is, what we so lack in life.

Parental advice, In essence, it is dictate, coercion. As a person grows older, he or she wants to obey less and less. If parents do not realize this in time and do not switch to another, neutral, way of presenting information, conflicts cannot be avoided.

Since childhood, parents get used to give the child some information without paying attention to the child’s words. Parents are offended by their children for being callous, and children are offended by their parents for not respecting their opinions. Constantly giving advice and lecturing to children, parents forget that the child may have his own opinion. All this will come to them, but later, when they learn to feel it, they will go through many trials. Although their parents could teach them this, they are completely occupied with work problems; many have to stay at work all day long, therefore, they simply do not have time for their children.

Instead of condemn their child, parents should try to understand him, why he acted this way and not otherwise. This is much more useful and fun than criticizing. This instills in a person compassion and tolerance towards loved ones. “To understand everything means to forgive everything” I don’t remember where I heard it.

The hardest thing about being a parent - this is to accept your child as he is, with all his shortcomings and characteristics, to learn to forgive insults, wrong steps, mistakes, to come to terms with the idea that your child will someday go into adulthood, he will have his own worries and his own life. ..

Many people belonging to the generation of “fathers” answer the question: “What is your attitude towards modern youth?” - they answer that children are our future, a new destiny for the whole society. Adults try to understand them, but it doesn’t always work out...

I think this problem is very relevant for all generations. In every generation it appears at some point, and then disappears, only to appear again. It seems to me that in our time, and especially in our country, it is most pronounced. Probably, each of us has seen on TV more than once, and personally encountered the fact that people who spent most of their lives in communist reality cannot understand what has suddenly arisen around them. We have all heard the phrase: “But under communism it was...”. And this is not because they are adherents of this ideology, they are simply accustomed to living this way. And it is almost impossible to convince these people of a democratic point of view.

Probably, those who organized perestroika are largely to blame. In fact, this is a very long process; at least one generation must change in order to arrive at a normal democratic society. I think that this problem cannot be solved by any reforms or coups d'etat. There are things that everyone decides for themselves in their own soul, builds relationships with their loved ones based on respect, love, acceptance of the freedom of another person...

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Problems of fathers and children in the modern world. The problem of fathers and children - where is the solution? Rudeness as a family tradition

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