A family with an emotionally rejected child. diagnostics, the specifics of families, the features of the provision of psychological assistance. types of deprivation. Parenting Test

When it comes to adopting a child, many people immediately think of accepting someone else's child into their family. Of course, this aspect is also worthy of a separate discussion, but now we are not talking about that. Not all parents understand the importance of emotional acceptance of their own child and do not realize that this concept implies not only absolute responsibility for their baby, but also unconditional love - despite the complexities of his character, not always correct behavior, frequent failures, etc.

Acceptance of the child's feelings consists in a calm reaction to any child's emotions: joy, anger, fear, sadness, love - this is exactly what the list of basic human feelings looks like. Everything else: pain, resentment, envy, melancholy, fun, horror are just variants of the intensity of the listed emotions or their mixture. Any of the listed emotions, main or surrogate, has the right to exist, it must be taken calmly, without condemnation or special approval (positive reinforcement), as a natural part of human life, which is impossible without feelings and emotions.

Psychological acceptance of your child for who he is

Joy arises when you bring something pleasant into your personal space (a new thing that you have long wanted to have, a new skill to be proud of, friend, satisfaction of a need).

Fear arises when we feel that our personal space is being invaded or threatened with invasion. Fear is useful for a person in that it warns of danger, which means that it takes care of the safety of mental and physical health - fear can be so strong and the danger is so great that the only way out can only be flight. Another development of events is a fight with an aggressor, in this case, fear is like a compression of an internal spring, which is ready to straighten out in an angry outburst in order to defend, protect oneself, and reject the offender. It is impossible to say unequivocally that one of the ways is better. Sometimes it is wiser to run away from a gang of hooligans, and not to show unnecessary heroism. Psychological health is evidenced by the ability to use different behaviors: the ability to escape from a real threat, the ability to recognize the imaginary danger born of fantasy, or to allow fear to be replaced by anger and take the fight.

Adults should help to understand all this little man. It is sad that instead they themselves sometimes appear before the child in an image so frightening that the struggle with them seems senseless to children.

Instead of accepting their child for who he is, parents are trying to narrow his personal space. This is a ban on watching TV, insults, threats, psychological pressure, physical violence or its threat. All these attempts cause fear, followed by anger - a natural defensive reaction. Moreover, a small amount of anger in your relationship with children usually indicates that the child is not oppressed by parents to the point that he cannot dare to confront. The second most important function of anger is the expansion of boundaries, the conquest of new spaces (an attempt to get the forbidden, to surrender in a physical or psychological sense, as well as to declare love, go to college - all this is the expansion of boundaries).

Sadness occurs when something leaves us, due to losses and the inability to satisfy our needs (not allowed to watch TV, the loss of a relative or favorite toy, as well as parts of ourselves, such as youth).

As psychologists say, if tears burn in the stomach, they cause an ulcer, and tears on the face are just tears.

Acceptance and rejection of the child by parents

Here are some typical parental phrases that prohibit the expression of emotions, and therefore convey the message of rejection of the child.

Feeling Denial:“Come on, it's not that bad. You don't hurt at all."
Distraction:“Look quickly, which dog has come to say hello to you.”
Ignore: the fallen child is simply ignored.
Questions:“Well, tell me what you needed there, why did you climb there?”
Threats:"Stop now, or we'll all go home."
Comfort:"Don't cry, everything is fine."
Explanations:"Look, what a ladder, you see how high - of course, you can fall."

It is impossible to forbid a child to sleep or need love, it is impossible to forbid being angry, sad, afraid and rejoice. Permission to the whole gamut of human feelings - this is the acceptance of the child by the parents. And it is a true blessing for the entire emotional life of the child, for it fills him with a sense of strength, relevance, naturalness and justification for his existence.

For example, if a child has fallen, he first of all needs ordinary hugs. Without persuasion and explanation. The child feels bad, hurts, he just needs sympathy and support.

The struggle with emotions leads to the fact that the child, and subsequently the adult, never meets his integrity. Moreover, he lives with shame for himself, so imperfect, with such shameful emotions.

And this is a direct consequence of the wrong reaction of parents to his feelings.

You can express your unconditional acceptance of the child with such phrases.

"It hurts - it's really so unpleasant."
"You're scared - really, it can be scary." "You're angry - that makes me angry too."
"You're sad - it's very sad."

Pay attention: the first part of the statement contains the voicing of feelings, and the second part contains support.

The manifestation of emotions is the most important form of human interaction with the outside world. Expressing emotions is useful and necessary, but with two clarifications:

they must be expressed in a socially acceptable form;
sometimes it is useful to delay their expression.

For example, it will not be good for your career to engage in an open confrontation with your boss right at the moment when you are angry with him. This anger can be brought home, beat a pillow or complain to a friend. And if necessary, express your dissatisfaction the next day or next week, clearly articulating your requirements and boundaries, beyond which you do not intend to retreat in any case.

The same is true for a child at school. in certain cases suppress the manifestation of emotions. The teacher scolded - but it was terrible to object, they were vaccinated - but it was a shame to be afraid, he was worried about his friend - but did not know how to show his feelings. A lot of emotions are unconsciously suppressed and accumulated inside, demanding an exit. And since your child may have it any day, your task is to ask him daily about school events and support his feelings during the story.

This does not mean that you have to agree with him on everything. But if he feels bad, you should sympathize with him and help solve the problem so that it becomes good, so that the child feels confident and calm. Sometimes this is enough. But it should be remembered that excessive efforts to correct the situation, advise or help can cause the child to “close”. Try to start by just listening, give the child the opportunity to calmly pour out his emotions, without fear of advice and guidance. The release of emotions will naturally lead to inner peace. And advice - if you really want to advise - try to give in line with a friendly conversation on the transfer of personal experience, and not in the didactic tone of an authoritarian mentor.

Many parents who read the previous paragraph may be perplexed or protest. After all, children have different emotions and actions that are actually very difficult to accept. How not to condemn a boy who hit a girl sitting next to him in the sandbox with a children's shovel? How not to scold a first grader who sobs and stubbornly, not wanting to go to school?

Acceptance of a child by father and mother as a way of communicating love

Emotions, among other useful functions, serve as an indicator of the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of needs. The child does not have a need to be angry or afraid, but anger and fear indicate an unfulfilled need. Often adults try to condemn the emotion or simply get rid of it (and not only in children, but also in themselves), instead of recognizing the need that lies behind it and taking measures to its socially acceptable satisfaction.

Parents should remember: any strange behavior of a child (concealing assessments and remarks, biting nails, using mother's cosmetics without asking, etc.) is caused by dissatisfaction with completely natural needs. And adults make a very dangerous mistake in their consequences if they react to emotions or to the act itself.

The question "What did you want?" both on the playground and at home it sounds extremely rare. Most often, any behavior that is incomprehensible to parents or an emotional outburst of a child ends in punishment.

But the desires of a small person can be quite peaceful and justified! It is possible that, having hit the girl with a shovel, the child simply wanted more space to play in the sandbox, or was frightened for his sand creations and wanted to drive away a possible destroyer, or the girl accidentally covered his eyes with sand, or simply did not like it, and he wanted to defend himself. So it is not an emotion or even a need that needs to be corrected and condemned, but a way to satisfy this need, that is, a direct blow with a spatula.

A child is a child because it does not analyze within itself and separate its need from emotion and action. Therefore, he perceives condemnation, imposing it not only on the direct act of aggression, but also on the underlying processes that provoked this aggression. The child learns that it is bad not only to beat with a spatula, but also to be angry and want to defend the boundaries of his space.

The behavior of children does sometimes require condemnation and punishment by an adult. The main thing in this case is to make a division that only an act is bad, and feelings and desires are quite natural, you just need to express them in a socially acceptable way.

Acceptance of a child by father and mother is one of the most important ways of communicating parental love to the child, as well as the most important aspect in the formation of a positive attitude towards oneself. Not all emotions and feelings can be simply accepted, some require a deeper clarification, namely: what need is blocked and thus brings them to life. The main job of parenting is to help the child constructively express their emotions and fulfill their needs.

The amount of useful information about the correct behavior of parents exceeded the allowable norms for maintaining the inner feeling “I am good”, but already among adults themselves. It happens that children cause irritation, disappointment, bewilderment, resentment, sadness and just fatigue. How to follow all the recommendations at the same time - often does not fit in the head, and some simply give up or even become irritated.

Your feelings and needs are as important as children's. But you have lived much longer than your little ones, and your experience of constructive conversion - not suppression! - with feelings and needs incomparably greater than that of your children. A tired, twitchy mother, a nervous, exhausted father can in no way be full-fledged sources of stability and love. Satisfying the basic needs of parents is a matter of paramount importance for the whole family!

First, find opportunities for relaxation and entertainment. Second, communicate your feelings and state of mind to your child in a constructive way, taking responsibility for the emotions and assuming that your unfulfilled desires are behind them.

A fairly typical phrase for home communication during lessons:“You pissed me off, how stupid you are, how much you can explain!” This is the so-called dissociated way of perceiving one's emotions, when a person believes that he personally is the cause of other people's emotions or that another person is responsible for his emotion. Our feelings are a signal of the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of our needs, the responsibility for them cannot be placed on another person.

More gentle phrase:"I'm angry because you don't understand anything." This is a partially associated way, when a person takes responsibility for his emotions, but does not connect them with his desires, but assumes that feelings appear suddenly and disappear in the same way.

Now the most sincere and difficult option:“I make myself angry with the help of you, because a lot of things didn’t work out for me at work, I feel like a failure, and your failures are doubly difficult for me to endure, but in fact I want support and peace.” This way of dealing with your emotions is called associated.

You can experiment and voice your condition in this way. For simple communication, try, in addition to emotions, to inform the child about your true desires: “I'm angry because you don't understand anything. In fact, I just don’t have the strength to explain to you, I’m very tired.” This way you will let your child know how you feel without scolding or scaring him.

We, like our children, cannot be perfect, we make mistakes and correct them. So if you are torn and unable to direct your raging emotions in a constructive direction, use the recommendations on how to accept your child.

Leave to rage in another room.

To make a child feel wrong, you need a very small dose of your emotions and their verbal manifestations. Let the emotions run dry, and do not bring them down on the child's head. Saying "dry out", this is not suppression, but, on the contrary, their active eruption. Beat the pillow, wail, complain and cry - but not in the presence of a child. And be sure to explain to the child that he is not the culprit of your rampage, you just need to throw out what has accumulated, otherwise the baby may feel responsible for your condition and his guilt, and this is dishonest and disastrous for him.

The child just needs to know that the emotions of the parents are the same as his. This knowledge is a “go-ahead”, a permission for a non-ideal inner life, which can splash out in violent manifestations. The negative side of emotional outbursts in parents can be the loss of a child's sense of security and the reduction of space for his personal inner life. After all, if a mother in tears and anger demonstrates complete internal instability, she has to rely only on herself, and the only way to do this is to suppress her own emotions. Such an experience of the inner life is not useful for the child. So if you can't resist, then leave.

Use "i-messages".

“I-messages” are classics of communication psychology that almost everyone is familiar with. The basic principle of accepting a child with the help of “I-messages” is that during emotional battles we build phrases not in the form of an accusation: “You don’t understand me”, “You are insensitive”, “You are lazy”, but in an invitation to your inner world. For example: “It’s so hard for me when they don’t understand me”, “I need your support and attention so much”, “I’m so tired and I need your help.” If an outburst of emotions is inevitable, at least try to do it in "I-messages". The principle of formation of such messages is very simple. To the first place in accusatory phrases like “You are stupid!”, “You don’t understand anything!”, “You are shameless!” it is necessary to put the pronouns "I" or "me". Now we change accusatory words to designate our own feelings: “I am ashamed”, “I am at a loss”, “I am offended and hurt”. It is not so easy if there is no prompter-psychologist nearby. Parents can become aware of their feelings by asking the question: “And how do you like the fact that your child is stupid, shameless, irresponsible?” This question becomes the key to understanding one's own emotions and helps to formulate the phrase in the "I-message".

Important tips from psychologists for accepting your child:

While emotions are raging in you, postpone joint activities with your child. Come back to them later when you've calmed down and are ready to have constructive conversations.
Learn to admit your guilt. If you were unrestrained, if you screamed and threw accusations at the child, talk to him later, calmed down. Explain that it’s not about him at all, but about your fatigue or hunger, or simply about the desire to be not here now and do something else.
Once you've calmed down, try expressing your feelings and needs again, but this time in a constructive way. Remember that by trying to constructively explain your inner life, you are teaching the child to understand and explain himself and be aware of his needs.

The main job of a parent is to help the child realize his needs and express emotions in a constructive way. One way to do this, as we have already discussed, is by example: demonstrating to your child that you accept your feelings and your desires. But this is not enough. You will also have to take some action and learn how to properly respond to the feelings and actions of the child, which, in fact, are the features of acceptance. Here are some recommendations from psychologists in this regard:

First step of acceptance: calm, resolving reaction to emotion: “You are angry”, “You are sad”, “You are scared”. But do not overdo it in supporting feelings, otherwise the child will simply get stuck on them if he realizes that any internal study entails increased attention from parents.
Second acceptance step: directly words of support, if appropriate: “It happens”, “It happened to me”, “Very angry when you are offended”, “Very sad when the holiday ends” ... In words of support, it is useful to report your similar experience or about the norm such experiences for a person in general. Such words will be a resolving factor for feelings. It is important in such a conversation not to pull the blanket over yourself and not to indulge in an emotional description of your own experience, then you will take up all the space. There will be nothing left for the experiences of the child himself. There shouldn't be too many of you in this conversation.
The third step of psychological acceptance of the child: Clarifying a child's need with a simple question, "What do you want?" Here it is important to pause and give the child the opportunity to understand what he wants. On the part of the parents, only a hint-assumption may be appropriate, which should sound accordingly - after a pause: “I don’t know for sure, but maybe you want ...”, “I can be wrong, maybe you want ...” Naturally, the child does not he will give out a scientific formulation of the need, but he is able to say what he would like - to hug, hit, leave, cry.
The fourth step of acceptance: support for the characteristics and needs of the child.
Fifth step of acceptance:“presenting” one’s feelings and offering constructive ways to fulfill the need.

Showing your feelings (fear for the child, shame, irritation, anxiety) is very important, since it is the feelings - yours or other people's - that will become natural reasons for changing the child's behavior.

This formula of social interaction was proposed in the 19th century by the outstanding sociologist and philosopher Herbert Spencer. In his opinion, the framework of personal freedom should not be a circle outlined by the rules of state coercion, but the framework of the personal freedom of other people. And when translated into the language of child psychology, it turns out that by presenting your feelings to a child, you are pushing him to change his behavior not out of fear of an adult, but out of sympathy and a desire to follow with your help along the path of caring for others.

No less important is the fact that the manifestations of the emotions and desires of the parents help the child to more clearly and clearly feel the boundary between himself and other people - and this is an invaluable acquisition, without which it is difficult for a person to maintain friendly relations in a team.

The proposed algorithm of actions for the manifestation of the acceptance of the child's personality is considered to be classical psychologists of many directions. Now you also have a unique opportunity, bypassing the search for a psychologist and visiting him for an appointment, to directly influence the formation of an acceptable way to meet your child's needs at the very moment when it is needed. You just need to support the feeling of the child in time and step by step get to the need that conditions it. In the words "only", of course, there is a fair amount of irony: all this is not easy, you will need patience and restraint. And remember: the older the child, the more difficult it is for him to answer the question: “What do you want?” With age, this information “goes into depth”, and it becomes more and more difficult to extract it without the help of a specialist. But definitely worth a try.

Sometimes the situation turns out to be so complicated, and the emotions and desires of the child are so confused that he will not be able to explain his condition, and it will be difficult for you to understand his true needs, hearing the phrases: “I don’t want to go to school”, “I won’t go to my grandmother”, “Stupid lessons”, “Tired of everything”.

Take the position of "listening" (sit at the same level with the child and make eye contact).
Voice the child's emotions in an affirmative form (you are angry, you are sad ...).
Pause, do not try to fill the conversation space with your vision of the situation, recommendations, advice.
If you are talking, then you should not talk about yourself and your thoughts, but about what your child has already said. In fact, it looks like a repetition of the last or main phrases. This will show that you understand and encourage further narration, which will eventually lead to an understanding of what need is not satisfied and what the child really feels.

Satisfying the need for love, belonging and acceptance is extremely important for any person, especially a child, since this is the desired magical gift that every child and adult dreams of. Love and acceptance help not only to instill confidence, but also to find one's integrity, one's identity, and hence the harmony of the inner world and happiness.

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To accept another person as he is means to perceive him in all his uniqueness and originality, without trying to remake anything in him that we do not like. Often, parents have a certain template of the “ideal child”, under which they try to fit their child, actively correcting and constantly making comments to him.
However, in the process of raising children, parents should not forget a simple truth - we are all different from each other. So why does your child have to be "carbon copy" in everything with other children? He must remain, first of all, himself when he wants to laugh, be sad, have fun or cry, in a word, express his emotions. For education, the most important thing is the acceptance of the parents of their child. Why is this needed? How can parents accept their child? What gives a child the acceptance of his parents?

The need for love is one of the basic human needs, and its satisfaction is of particular importance for children. The lack of maternal love and warmth always negatively affects the formation of the personality of the child and his entire future life.
It is important for a child not only to feel and see the attention and care of parents, but also to hear pleasant words. He also needs affection, so even grown children need to be hugged. Positive emotions help the child realize that he is loved, which means that he will grow up happy and healthy.
Only in the case of acceptance, the child can feel parental love, trust, and communication with parents will develop according to the principle of dialogue. Accepting a child means recognizing him as a separate person with all his inherent qualities, understanding his right to individuality, including the difference from his parents.
Good parents who are able to accept their child have qualities such as empathy, sincerity, and are capable of an unconditional positive attitude towards him.
Empathy is the ability to understand and empathize with another person. If parents show it, then a trusting atmosphere is created in the family and children grow up in an atmosphere of love and attention. Shy and secretive children do not trust adults, they are afraid of being ridiculed and punished, so talk to them more often and listen to them, show understanding and sympathy. If a child shares his experiences, then you need to appreciate and accept his trust.
Sincerity is a natural expression of one's emotions and naturalness in actions. It helps to establish a trusting relationship with the child, gives him a sense of security and promotes relaxed behavior.
An unconditional positive attitude implies acceptance of the child as he is, with all his advantages and disadvantages. Do not give in to irritation and the desire to change the child at all costs. Of course, it is impossible to support and approve everything that a child does, it is necessary to evaluate it objectively. But it is also necessary to understand his motives, difficulties and limited opportunities due to insufficient knowledge and experience. Don't give in to other people's negative comments about your child and don't let anyone speak badly of him in your presence. Understand for yourself why the child is unhappy, and take action based on parental love and benefits for his health, development and character building.
Many people after the birth of a child do not know what to do next. They remember the stereotype of their parents' behavior and try to match it: they begin to feed, water, control, teach, scold, force, etc. They do not show love towards the child, lose sincerity and naturalness. Such parents are believed that they should always love the child, should not think badly about him, should do everything for him, should always smile, and as a result they make many mistakes. The main mistake is that they try not to be themselves and turn out to be too strict and soft. They restrain their emotions, because they are afraid to show toughness where necessary or show joy and happiness, which upsets the balance of emotions and energy in the family and negatively affects the upbringing of the child, and therefore, his character and health.
In order to learn how to accept a child, you must first accept yourself as a person, as well as realize the right to both positive and negative emotions in relation to him. However, they should be shown adequately (without excessiveness, depending on the situation, in an acceptable way for education). If a person accepts himself, then he is able to accept another person, and first of all his child. It is difficult to accept a naughty and aggressive child, but after all, his behavior has been developed under the influence of the parents themselves, and relationships can be changed. Parents play the leading role in this, as it is easier for them to understand their mistakes in order to correct behavior and help the child change.
There are times when it is difficult for parents to accept a child in a certain situation. For example, because of their illness or a hard working day, they cannot play with the baby, talk with him for a long time, but you can still try to pay attention to him.
If the behavior of the child makes you dissatisfied, then you do not need to pretend that everything is fine. Children catch the duality of the behavior and internal state of their parents and stop trusting them for this reason.
The natural behavior of the parents helps the child to develop. For example, he understands that he can play any game, but if someone in the family is sick, then it is better to choose a quiet activity, without noise. If parents do not hide true feelings, then children can show different emotions, grow up more balanced, understand the feelings of others. Parents who show sincere feelings understand that other family members and relatives accept the child to varying degrees, but do not interfere unnecessarily in other people's relationships.
Acceptance makes the child feel loved. As a result, he grows confident, active, develops fully. He directs his efforts to his own development, and not to fight with his parents and win their love. Sincerity and honesty in relations with children contribute to mutual respect and understanding. If parents show them, then the children will respond in the future with the same.
Acceptance or non-acceptance of a child is manifested daily in various situations. To determine how much you accept your child, pay attention to how you evaluate him, what words it is expressed in and how often you do it. Do not speak negatively about the child himself, if necessary, express disapproval of his actions and deeds, without affecting the personality and without insults. It is necessary to let him know that you still love him, but are unhappy with the behavior and want to help improve.
“If you don’t do this, then I won’t love you”, “if you agree, then you will be good”, “if so, then you are not my son (daughter)” - such phrases are wrong, saying them, parents set conditions, making a big mistake. In this case, we are not talking about love and acceptance of the child.
Take care of the child's trust and relationship with him that developed while he was still small, but do not try to keep the growing child around all the time. If you sincerely love him, then give him independence and do not interfere with the further transition into adulthood.
Acceptance of a child, in addition to all of the above, also includes the presentation of adequate requirements for him. If parents demand too much from a child or, conversely, give him complete freedom, then such upbringing does not contribute to the harmonious development and formation of a full-fledged personality.
Parents often demand from their children what they themselves cannot achieve. If the child does not meet their expectations, then they suffer from an inferiority complex. Because they think that they did not cope with their upbringing. An example would be the requirement to study for fives in all subjects or become a champion in some kind of sport. If the child justifies the hopes of the parents, then they perceive his merits as their own. At the same time, the desires and interests of the child are left without attention, and his needs are unfulfilled.
Answering the following questions will help you understand the overestimated requirements for the child:

Do your child's failures frustrate you?

Do you get irritated if your child is unable to do something?

· Do you show love for a child if he received a bad grade, did not cope with the assignment for understandable reasons?

· Have you done anything for the child before (fastening buttons, solving problems, etc.)?

· Did the child himself choose a creative circle, a sports section, or was this activity your dream?

· Are you able to play with dignity and what kind of model are you for a child?

Do you show your child your disappointment in him?

Already from the questions it is clear that if you have not taught your child to be independent before, then it is unreasonable to demand help with the housework from him. If a child is forced to do what he is not interested in, then he lacks positive motivation and the desire to achieve.
Loving parents, who understand themselves first of all, put forward adequate requirements for the child. They take into account not only his age, capabilities and experience, but also interests. They accept him as he is, guide him in development and thus help him to realize himself in life.
If parents are aware of themselves, know how to be themselves, then they understand that the child is a separate person who has the right to individuality (dissimilarity, having their own needs and desires). Then they adequately perceive it and find ways of communication that are interesting to both parties and useful for the development of the child.
The opposite of strict and demanding parents are parents who show connivance towards their child. They do not educate the child and do not help him develop guidelines, do not explain what is possible and what is not, do not guide him in development. Such behavior of adults is associated with the unwillingness of responsibility and the inability to be an authority, a leader in relations with a child. They do not show attention to him, care little about him and do not control his behavior at all. In this case, the child is deprived of parental love and warmth. By this behavior, parents emotionally reject him, as they consider him bad. In especially severe cases, they leave the child neglected, depriving him not only of love, but also of food, clothing, and shelter.
Most often, parents formally care for their child but reject them emotionally. They do not play with him, do not engage in other joint activities, their communication is meaningless and comes down to throwing phrases, filled with reproaches. The inner world of the child is not interesting for them. If over-demanding parents have pre-planned his educational and career path, then the interests of the child himself do not matter to them.
Insufficient care for a child in preschool age among negligent parents can be replaced by excessive demands in school and adolescence. They believe that the child has grown up and now he can do everything himself, including taking care of them. Often it is these parents who are afraid to be alone in old age, so they require increased attention to themselves in advance.
The permissive attitude towards the child can also take other forms, such as perfectionism and indulgence. In the first case, parents emotionally reject the child, rationally explaining this by saying that he is not worthy of their love, because he does not fulfill the requirements or is punished. Their behavior is based on a distorted perception of the image of a child and a lack of love and respect, first of all, for themselves. Indulgence is the emotional rejection of the child against the background of permissiveness. Parents, without hesitation, satisfy the desires of their child, follow his lead, but do not show their love. They do not want to enter into a relationship with the child, do not think about him, do not notice his needs and interests. It is easier for them to allow the child anything, to give him gifts, to send him to a children's camp for a long time or to study abroad. Children in such conditions grow up spoiled and do not receive parental love and affection.
At the same time, condoning parents can prevent their child from establishing close trusting relationships with other people. Having learned about this, they try to protect him from all kinds of contacts. In some cases, indulgence turns into cruelty.
Another option for insufficient child care is compensatory overprotection. Parents do not accept the child completely on an emotional level, but they want to appear good. As a result, they begin to think about him all the time, overprotect him, worry about his health. They always think that something can happen to the child, he is in the center of their attention, but such a perception does not contribute to the development of the child's personality and leads to illness.
Those parents who read parenting literature, turn to psychologists for help, usually love their children, are interested in them and want to raise them to be full-fledged personalities. Among them, fortunately, there are practically no negative forms of education with excessively high demands and complete connivance, however, such elements can sometimes be noticed. Revealing and realizing this helps to find a way to correct the mistake by changing your attitude towards the child and applying effective methods of education.

The material was prepared according to: M.P. Luganskaya, E.Yu. Yaroslavtsev Crises of childhood: we bring up without crying.
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The emotional side of the child-parent relationship largely determines the well-being of the child's mental development and the realization of the educational potential of parenthood as a social institution. The emotional attitude towards the partner of the parents and the child in the context of their relationship has a different origin, psychological content and dynamics of development. If, in relation to marital relationships, we can talk about the fundamental equality of partners - both in relation to the genesis, and the development and implementation of an emotional connection, then in the case of child-parent relationships, the nature of child and parental love turns out to be different. The emotional attitude of a parent to a child is qualified as a phenomenon of parental love, and in modern psychology a clear distinction is made between the emotional attitude of a mother and father towards a child, acting as maternal or paternal love. Along with the concept of parental love, the term "acceptance" is used, which characterizes the affective coloring of the parent's relationship to the child and the recognition of its self-worth. Emotional closeness determines the affective sign of the relationship (sympathy - antipathy) and the emotional distance between the parent and the child.

In modern society, the social value of parental love is extremely high, and the intimate and emotional closeness of parents with children in a small family and planning the birth of children is a mass phenomenon. All this has led to the fact that today parental love is considered by society as the “norm” of a person’s mental health, and the behavior and personality of a parent who has the misfortune of not loving his child is considered a pathology, mental deviation, a manifestation of immorality and licentiousness. Help for parents in raising children / Common. ed. and foreword by V.Ya. Pilipovsky. M., 2007. With. 182.

However, it would be unfair to blame and condemn such parents, of course, provided that they fulfill their parental duty, show care, attention and guardianship in relation to the child. Love for a child - emotional intimacy and mutual understanding - is not an innate ability of a mother and father and does not appear by magic with the birth of a child. The ability to love him is formed in the practice of parenthood, in the process of joint activities and communication with the child, bringing the mother and father a feeling of happiness, fullness of self-realization and self-completion. On the contrary, the experience of “dislike”, rejection of the child causes severe emotional and personal disorders in the parent - feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety and fears, violations of the self-concept in the form of self-denial and low self-esteem. Therefore, in such cases, the strategy of psychological assistance to the family is built as a consistent solution to the following tasks: stabilization of the emotional state of the parent - awareness of the rejection of the child and objectification of the causes and mechanism for the formation of dislike for him - overcoming guilt - optimization of communication and cooperation with the child - increasing the level of empathy, emotional understanding and affection in the parent-child dyad.

In the continuum of values of the emotional attitude of the parent to the child, several variants of relations can be distinguished, from an unconditionally positive to an openly negative pole.

Unconditional emotional acceptance of the child (love and affection "no matter what"). Unconditional acceptance involves differentiation by the parent of the child's personality and behavior. A negative assessment and condemnation by a parent of specific actions and actions of a child does not entail a denial of his emotional significance and a decrease in the intrinsic value of his personality for the parent. This type of emotional relationship is most favorable for the development of the child's personality, since it ensures the full satisfaction of the child's needs for security, love, care and affiliation in relations with parents.

* Conditional emotional acceptance (love, due to the achievements, virtues, behavior of the child). In this case, the child must earn the love of the parent by his successes, exemplary behavior, and the fulfillment of requirements. Love acts as a blessing, a reward that is not given by itself, but requires labor and effort. Deprivation of parental love is a fairly commonly used form of punishment in such cases. This type of parental attitude provokes anxiety and insecurity in the child.

*Ambivalent emotional attitude towards the child (combination of positive and negative feelings, hostility and love).

*Indifferent attitude (indifference, emotional coldness, distance, low empathy). This position is based on the unformed maternal position, infantilism and personal

immaturity of the parent.

* Hidden emotional rejection (ignoring, emotionally negative attitude towards the child).

* Open emotional rejection of the child.

A.S. Spivakovskaya, based on a three-dimensional model of love, offers an original typology of parental love. Recall that the three dimensions of the feeling of love within the framework of this model are: sympathy / antipathy; respect/contempt and intimacy - range. The causes of violations of parental love have not yet been studied enough, but some of them can be named.

Emotional rejection is an ineffective parental attitude that manifests itself in the lack or absence of emotional contact between the parent and the child, the insensitivity of the parent to the needs of the child. It can be explicit and implicit, hidden. With a clear rejection, the parent demonstrates that he does not love and does not accept his child, is irritated about him. Hidden rejection takes more complex forms - it can manifest itself in global dissatisfaction with the child (he is not so smart, skillful, handsome), although formally the parent can fulfill his parental duties. Sometimes emotional rejection is masked by exaggerated attention and care; but it is betrayed by a lack of love and attention, a desire to avoid close (bodily) contact.

Rejection can be manifested in the following parental directives: “My eyes would not look at you”, “How much anxiety and deprivation you brought me when you were born.” Perceiving such directives, the child unconsciously feels that he is a hindrance in the life of the parent, his eternal debtor. According to Horney, the "initial or basal" anxiety that occurs in a child suffering from a lack of parental love is the source of personality neuroticism.

Rejection is often associated with inadequate parental expectations for the child. Most often, parents perceive their children as older and therefore not in need of much care and attention. Over-demanding parents, for example, believe that a child can be potty trained by 6-12 months, that he is able to talk by the age of two, and that children can help around the house from early childhood. Children are also required to take care of younger siblings. Without taking into account the individual characteristics of the child, parents are trying to "improve", "correct" the child's innate type of response. Often parents create an ideal, fictional image of a child that evokes their love. For some parents, this is an obedient, comfortable child who does not bring much trouble. For others - active, successful, enterprising. However, in both cases, the fictional image of the child will not correspond to the real one.

Rejection is often combined with strict control, with the imposition of the only “correct” type of behavior on the child. Parents require the child to “be good”, “behave properly”, “be obedient”, but do not explain the essence of the required behavior. Along with strict control, rejection can be combined with a lack of control, indifference to the life of the child, complete connivance.

Fearing to "spoil" the child, parents do not pay attention to his urgent needs. Here are examples of children's stories based on pictures depicting an adult and a child in various situations:

“... Mom came for the boy, and he played in the sandbox. He roared because he didn't want to leave. Mom said: “There’s nothing terrible here, don’t cry, you’ll play enough tomorrow ...”

“...Mom is standing, and the son is crying. Mom says: "It doesn't hurt to go to the doctor." - Son: "I'm afraid." - Mother: "You will go anyway."

“... The boy was offended in the yard, his mother took him away, crying, and punished him at home ...”

In these examples, it is clearly seen that the mother ignores the emotional experiences of the child.

Emotional rejection of a child is often accompanied by frequent punishments, including physical ones. Moreover, mothers who reject their children tend to punish them for turning to them for help, as well as for striving to communicate with them. The following example illustrates this: “... The girl wanted to paint at home. But at home she interfered with her mother, as she climbed to her with questions. Mom kicked her out for a walk ... ".

Parents who reject children and use an abusive style of interaction with them believe in the necessity and normality of physical punishment. It is interesting that the actions for which parents criticize their own children, they did in childhood themselves, and this was criticized by their own parents. Often, disobedience or unwanted behavior is punished by deprivation of parental love, demonstrating the uselessness of the child: “Mom doesn’t like this, she will find another boy (girl) for herself.” The consequence of this is the formation in the child of a sense of insecurity, fear of loneliness, abandonment.

The lack of parental responsiveness to the needs of the child contributes to a feeling of “learned helplessness” in him, which subsequently often leads to apathy and even depression, avoidance of new situations, lack of curiosity and initiative. The unsatisfied need for acceptance and love plays an important role in the development of aggressiveness and delinquent behavior in children. Although the neglect of a child and the rejection of his need for acceptance and love are important preconditions for the development of antisocial aggressiveness, not all children deprived of parental care become aggressive. For example, a reaction to a lack of maternal care and love can be withdrawal, overdependence, excessive readiness for submission, and deep anxiety.

It is also very important to what extent and at what age the child was deprived of maternal love and care. In cases where the child has not been completely deprived of maternal care, and maternal love sometimes still manifested itself, the child can learn to expect some kind of emotional reaction from his parents. If this emotional reward was a condition of his obedience to parental demands, then under such conditions the child would develop anxious obedience rather than aggressiveness.

A rejecting attitude towards a child is noted among single mothers, in families raising foster children, and also where the child was born “accidentally”, “at the wrong time”, during a period of domestic troubles or marital conflicts. The extreme form of rejection is manifested in the fact that parents really refuse the child and place him in a boarding school, a psychiatric hospital, give him up to be raised by relatives (often grandmothers). For rejecting parents, an inversion of parent-child roles is often characteristic. Parents delegate their own responsibilities to children, while they themselves behave helplessly, demonstrating the need for guardianship and care.

The basis of the child's emotional rejection may be the conscious, and most often unconscious identification of the child with some negative moments in the parents' own life. The following personal problems of parents are distinguished, which determine the emotional rejection of the child:

The underdevelopment of parental feelings, which outwardly manifests itself in unwillingness to deal with the child, in the poor tolerance of his society, a superficial interest in his affairs. The reasons for the underdevelopment of parental feelings may be the rejection of the parent himself in childhood, when he himself did not experience parental warmth; personal characteristics of the parent, for example, severe schizoidness; lack of a place for the child in the life plans of parents.
Projection onto the child of their own negative traits - fighting with them in the child, the parent derives emotional benefit for himself.
The desire to eradicate the traits of an unloved spouse inherited by the child.
A shift in the parent's attitudes towards the child depending on the gender of the child. For example, if you want to have a girl, there may be an unconscious rejection of your son.

Rejection, rejection cause anxiety in the child because his need for love, affection, protection is not satisfied. Such a child can achieve praise, mother's love with the help of exemplary behavior, success in activities. In this case, fear arises: “If I behave badly (badly perform any activity), then they will not love me.” Fear of failure causes anxiety, which, with real failures, is fixed and becomes a personality trait.

Those children who are ignored and whose basic needs are not met grow up insecure in themselves, in their abilities. In addition, they consider insults from their parents as normal behavior. The underdevelopment of the attachment relationship between mother and child is further transformed into a stable rejection of the child's own "I", which in turn leads to a global rejection of the world of social relations.

The rejection of the child by the parents leads to the formation of the following internal positions of the child: “I am not loved, but I sincerely want to get closer to you” and “I am not needed and not loved. Leave me alone".

The first position has two possible options for the child's behavior. The child experiences a sense of guilt and sees the fact of being rejected by his parents as a punishment for his “badness”. The result of such experiences can be a loss of self-esteem and an irrational desire to improve, to meet parental expectations. The second variant of behavior is associated with the rejection of the family by the child. In this case, the child comes to the conclusion that it is the parents who are to blame for his rejection. With parents, such children behave aggressively, dismissively, it seems that they deliberately annoy their parents, taking revenge on them for their lack of love. Aggression is a way of responding to emotional rejection. The inability to fulfill their needs for love, security will encourage the child to seek their satisfaction in other ways. In particular, in situations of rejection, the child screams, fights, cries, seeks in any way to attract the attention of the mother.

The position “I am not needed and not loved, leave me alone” leads to a desire to get rid of the attention of an adult. The child demonstrates his stupidity, clumsiness, bad habits in order to “scare away” the parent from himself. This situation leads the child down the stage of social development.

The rejected child seeks to attract the attention of the parent at any cost, even with the help of quarrels, breakups, oppositional behavior. R. Sears called this behavior "the search for negative attention." A vicious circle is formed: the more stubbornness, negativism on the part of the child, the more punishments, restrictions on the part of the parent, which leads to increased oppositional behavior in the child. The child perpetuates his immature, inadequate attitude towards the family, asserts himself with the help of defiant behavior. If the child becomes more and more convinced of his unlovedness, he may resort to a kind of childish revenge.

In a broad sense, the concept of "deprivation" ( deprivation , or resp. privacy ) denotes the loss of something, deprivation due to insufficient satisfaction of any important need. At the same time, we are not talking about physical deprivation, but about the insufficient satisfaction of precisely mental needs.

I. Langmeyer and 3. Mateychek give the following definition of mental deprivation: “Psychic deprivation is a mental state that has arisen as a result of such life situations where the subject is not given the opportunity to satisfy some of his basic (life) mental needs to a sufficient extent or for a sufficiently long time."

Types of deprivation

Types of deprivation are usually distinguished depending on what need is not satisfied.

I. Langmeier and 3. Mateychek analyze four types of mental deprivation.

1.Incentive(touch) deprivation: reduced number of sensory stimuli or their limited variability and modality.

2. Meaning Deprivation(cognitive): too changeable, chaotic structure of the external world without a clear ordering and meaning, which makes it impossible to understand, anticipate and regulate what is happening from the outside.

3. Deprivation of emotional attitude(emotional): insufficient opportunity to establish an intimate emotional relationship with a person, or to break such an emotional connection, if one has already been created.

4. Identity deprivation(social): limited opportunity for assimilation of an autonomous social role.

It is good when parents unconditionally love and accept their children in a family. But there is another picture, when for various reasons they are not ready for a child. For example, mom got a "surprise" too soon, from a man she didn't like, or foolishly trying to keep a man. Such cases are not rare in psychological practice. And although it is not customary to make them public, this does not mean that there is no problem.

How does the phenomenon of “rejecting parents” manifest itself?

It's simple - children in such a family are unwanted, and therefore grow up without support and love. They are rejected already from infancy, perceiving them as a punishment for stupidity or youthful sins. And then it turns out that dad or mom do not build relationships with the child, but simply react to it. They do not give him their warmth and tenderness, but constantly teach, find fault, drill, scold. A child in such a family does not feel valuable and necessary, his personality is suppressed by constant emotional abuse from his parents, their inadequate requirements.

Parents seem to be looking for a reason to throw out excesses on their child, to make him extreme, to explain all life's failures by his appearance. It is the child's fault that life failed, and the beloved man went to another. It is his fault that his mother did not take place in the profession and sat at home for years, indulging her cowardice. He is bad, awkward, too smart, active or whiny, not at all what she wanted. That is why he is given offensive nicknames, he is punished with a belt or coldness. In a sense, he is not only not loved, but also harmed, using methods of psychological or physical violence. And the point here is not in the child, but in the parents who are dissatisfied with the very existence of the offspring.

What does such an attitude lead to?

The little man endures the destructive attitude of his parents, starting to treat himself in the same way. He grows up with the attitude of a loser, gets used to being a lightning rod for those around him, a living punching bag. For him, the constant and selfishness of others, the encroachment of people on his freedom and dignity becomes the norm. Moreover, he believes that he deserves such an attitude, trying to please everyone.

Is it necessary to say how such an attitude distorts his picture of the world and self-esteem? Growing up, a person cannot get rid of a strange feeling of guilt for his appearance, he feels like an “ugly duckling”, not worthy of love and a good life. This provokes the development of many complexes and psychological problems - from overeating and chronic diseases to problems in a career and personal life. Most likely, he will seek acceptance from people who, by definition, cannot give it, which will lead him to even greater disappointment, depreciation of his personality and achievements. The picture looks bleak.

Can Rejecting Parents Be Reached Out?

If you have an adequate and sane person in front of you, proper psychological work will help to correct a lot. This category includes mothers who are simply tired of life, who were also criticized and not accepted a lot in childhood. They are capable of support, because their nit-picking comes from love and the desire to protect the child, raise him strong and independent. True, many things will have to change - the methods of education, the style of communication, expectations.

Another question is if you have a completely insane parent who rejects the child because he cannot do otherwise. No matter how you talk to him, he is always right. You can’t doubt his methods, otherwise you will run into a scream, hysteria, hand-to-hand combat, or a complete refusal to communicate. These are born, sadists, and even generally insane individuals with problems in the field of psychiatry. After all, "psychos" are also different - not just patients with schizophrenia and hallucinations. By the way, the conversation with such people is always short: they cling so desperately to their illusions that they are not ready to compromise - either you listen to them, or you are declared an enemy.

Example: “Why are you hitting your child? “I don't hit anyone. “Here, look at his bruises. - Ah well! This petty traitor under the first number will receive from me ... "" Have you ever told your son that you love him? - The boy does not need tenderness. “But children need acceptance, have you ever wanted to just hug him?” “Everything is clear, doctor, you obviously conspired with him, you want to make me look like a bad mother?!”

What if the parent does not want to make contact?

Stop your head in the clouds and go down to earth, they are just people who can make mistakes. No need to curry favor with them, change yourself, make excuses, climb out of your skin, trying to achieve their location. It is obvious that these people are not capable of love! At least not now. It's time to grow up and admit to ourselves that reality does not always meet our expectations, we just need to let go of the situation and temporarily stop destructive communication.

Mom and dad are not a panacea for all ills. Live your own life, look for yourself, realize your own, without waiting for their approval. Your task is to learn to listen to your desires, to live according to your goals without regard to your family. And when the time comes, parents will understand everything and change ... or not change. But it will be on their conscience. You have the right to be different, to be happy.

Understanding and accepting are the two rules of a happy family: as far as people are able to accept each other, their mutual understanding will be so deep. But everything in life is not so simple, and sometimes even children are rejected by their families. Sometimes parents do not accept the child as he is, thereby dooming him to an unhappy future. What is “rejection of a child in the family”, what consequences does it have for a growing person, read in our article.

Reasons for rejection

In psychology, the terms "rejection" and "non-acceptance" are used interchangeably. Their essence is that a person as a whole person is not accepted by others. Moreover, it causes rejection. As a rule, when the situation concerns strangers, it does not seem so dramatic at all. We do not like someone, we do not like someone - usually this is mutual and also easy enough to perceive.

In marital relationships, non-acceptance usually results in divorce or an unhappy married life. At first, one of the spouses tries to “adjust” the other for himself, without accepting his features. But this state of affairs is rarely successful. And it remains either to endure, not accepting, or to leave.

It is much more difficult to understand the rejection of your own child. A small person is born endowed with a certain set of genetically determined features. It is not his fault that he was born with a certain color of eyes and hair, abilities for certain types of activity or their absence. He does not know that even before birth, his parents placed certain hopes on him, which he did not justify. He was born, which means he is already worthy of the love of his parents.

Problems of rejection appear gradually. Primary rejection occurs even before the birth of the child and is expressed in. The news of the future child does not please the woman, she hopes for a mistake, conducts an additional examination. When the fact is confirmed, the thought arises of getting rid of the child.

The reasons for the initial rejection of pregnancy can be:

fear of the future (especially if the woman is not married);
fear of spoiling your appearance (gaining excess weight, etc.);
fear of losing a career;
unwillingness to change the usual way of life.

And if a woman still decides to give birth, then the child can be called unwanted. However, there are cases when the maternal instinct destroys the negative attitude even before birth. But more often, primary rejection leads to severe postpartum depression and rejection of the child in the future.

Secondary rejection may occur if the child does not meet the expectations of the parents. In her dreams, my mother imagined a healthy, blue-eyed, slender girl who would do figure skating. But a boy is born, not like his parents, with myopia and a tendency to overweight. Sometimes, for a secondary rejection, an external resemblance to one of the unloved relatives (a grumpy mother-in-law, a husband who left a woman) is enough. There is a so-called psychological projection on the child of the attitude towards this relative.

Forms of child rejection

Ice cold silence. Misdemeanors of the child are punished by "icy" silence. And since parents notice a lot of misconduct in the "rejected child", cold relations are firmly established in the family.

Complete lack of control. Children are often left to their own devices. The family does not establish a framework for behavior, parents are not interested in the state of mind of the child. Often this occurs after a divorce, when parents are busy arranging their personal lives. Sometimes lack of control is explained by the high level of employment of modern parents, but sincere contact does not require a lot of time, does it?

Substitution of spiritual closeness with material values. Parents justify themselves with a lack of time and the need to work for the benefit of the general family happiness. But no money can buy the tenderness and love of loved ones. And the time that could have been dedicated to them is slipping away without a trace.

Consequences of not accepting a child

While the child is small, the behavior of the parents does not seem dangerous. Rejection has long-term consequences.

Health problems. Children in such a family are constantly afraid of something, they are tense, which results in problems of the nervous system. The child often gets sick, becomes nervous and restless.

Problems of development of cognitive activity. It is easier for children to be invisible than to cause a negative reaction from their parents. Therefore, they cease to be inquisitive, which will subsequently affect their success in learning.

Problems with the emotional sphere. Children raised in an emotionally cold family are usually cold themselves, they do not know how to show feelings, express emotions.

Problems with self-esteem. Rejected children can have both low and high self-esteem. Such children may be arrogant or very shy, not accepting of themselves. In the future, this will cause fear of difficulties, passivity and self-doubt.

Probability of deviant (antisocial) behavior. Children can begin to act contrary to their parents, causing them even more negativity. Such children are called "difficult".

Tendency to get away from the situation. This can manifest itself in the use of alcohol, and even in thoughts of suicide.

If a child is not accepted by his parents, then he does not accept himself. And so doomed to failure and misfortune.

What to do?

Look at your child. Maybe you sometimes regret something? Do you not expect victories from children or do you recognize one of your relatives in a child? Do you punish your child with silence or constantly lecture him? Do you care about the baby, but try to limit your personal contact with the child?

If such situations occur sometimes, then this is normal. People tend to rub each other, even if they are parents and children. You can quarrel, reconcile, rejoice and be upset. But if such situations in your family are repeated regularly, if communication with your own children bothers you, everything in your child annoys you, you are simply not interested in your son or daughter, then you need to think about love for your children. After analyzing the reasons for rejection, now let's try to find a way out of this situation.

So, you realized that you do not accept the child as he is, do not feel love for him, which you read about in books, but at the same time you really want to give him a happy childhood.

Most importantly - do not blame yourself for anything and accept your condition. Reproaching yourself, you will spend too much mental strength that would be useful to you in order to learn to feel your child and become attached to him. Parental instinct, indeed, may not appear immediately, parenthood is a life skill that, like other skills, develops gradually.

If you are a young mother and you have no health problems, then still try to breastfeed your baby. This is useful not only from a medical point of view, but also because it is during feeding that an emotional bond is strengthened between mother and baby, which will last for a lifetime.

Try to rest. Spend at least a couple of hours a day on simple joys: meet friends or go for a manicure - you must find time for this so as not to become depressed, because moral and physical fatigue will only aggravate your rejection of the child.

Avoid stress. If necessary, ask your doctor to prescribe you a mild sedative. When the nerves are on edge, everything around is annoying with a vengeance, including the child. A tense atmosphere, overwrought nerves will not contribute to your rapprochement with the baby.

Do not hesitate to seek help from psychologists. Believe that going to a specialist and admitting that you cannot accept your child is a common situation, and you will not be the first of his clients to face such a problem. If there is no opportunity to go to a psychologist, then try to find support among the closest people: parents, friends, spouse. Do not play the role of a happy mother or a happy father for show, release emotions, speak out - this will help you better understand yourself and find that spark from which parental love will flare up later.

And one more piece of advice - wait. Do not squeeze love out of yourself by force, but just wait ... Time will pass, and it will definitely appear - this is how nature works. In the meantime, while you wait, try to control yourself and not show your rejection to the baby: watch the words and do not reproach him for no reason, give him a smile, affection, tenderness, protect and listen. Hug your child as often as possible, even if you feel uncomfortable. Seeing his smile and gratitude, receiving tenderness from him in return, most likely, you will also begin to become attached to the baby.

It is not too late to stop, turn to face the child and understand that this is your flesh and blood. Love your children for who they are, and then they will be happy.

Svetlana Sadova