Mixed marriage with an Arab: what does it mean? Arab women and men: how an ordinary Arab family lives in the UAE

Writes a psychologist, hiding under the pseudonym Evolution: This letter is your own disassemble. Everything is clear here. I hope you find and comment on all the most telling moments.

Hello Evolution. Here is my story. I'll try to be brief, but in old age, I think I need to write a novel))

I am 33, husband 38, in the process of divorce after 11 years of marriage. Children 10, 6 and 1.8 years old.

I met my husband online when I was 18 and for another 5 years we talked every (!) day online while I was studying at the university. I was an exemplary girl from an ordinary family - a gold medal after school, a prestigious faculty and subsequently a red diploma. He is a student from an Arab country, smart, promising, a general's family. It was love like crazy. Once during these five years of communication, he came to me (we were separated by 8000 km), we, poor students, could not afford to fly to each other more often. I can’t say that at the first meeting I liked him, of course, there was discomfort and doubts (I have a model height, he is not tall). But we were already so close, I looked at his actions, love - and gradually all doubts receded. There was no intimacy then, we were determined to preserve innocence until marriage. After he left, we counted the days until we could be together. So another two years passed, I received a diploma, left a job offer in a large company and a grant to continue my studies at a European university, bought tickets with the money sent by him, and flew away. There, in the Arab country. You can draw my family's reaction to all this madness, but after five years no one had the strength to resist.

His family greeted me well (I know that without much enthusiasm, too, but all decorum was observed). We signed, first we lived with our mother-in-laws, then they rented an apartment for us closer to my husband's work. At that moment, he was just starting his career, and we, to put it mildly, were short of money. At the same time, they were happy. And then I find out I'm pregnant. I was not ready for this, I was upset, I thought about how we would raise a child. The husband was delighted, but with all this he began to say that this should be my decision. I felt even more bitter from such words, this is not what I expected to hear from my man. I thought about flying to give birth in Russia, and then how it goes ... Timid "it's your choice" and "choose me" were disproportionate to the situation.

I stayed. A miracle happened, and he was offered a good position in one of the countries of the Gulf (the most strict and closed Arab country). We moved, and there I gave birth to a son. After giving birth, we had problems that later arose after the birth of each child. I was loaded, did not get enough sleep, my husband blamed the lack of attention, was jealous of my child. The specifics of the environment in which we lived left a heavy imprint. It was impossible to take a walk or go somewhere by myself, my world was closed in four walls, I had to ask my husband about everything. He worked and got tired, the last thing he wanted to do was entertain us in the evenings and weekends. On the contrary, he expected entertainment from me, I was all so hot, dressed up and in love, I had to pounce on him as soon as he crossed the threshold of the house. By the year of my son, I was looking for work, any! Just to get out of the house. I will add that this was an over-the-top task for a foreigner without Arabic in an extremely patriarchal society, few women work there (I don’t even know how they save marriages). I succeeded, I was offered a position in the company of a local prince. It was so cool, my HR skyrocketed, even my salary wasn't much less than my husband's. Relations immediately leveled off, he flaunted his acquaintances, proudly called me a business lady. I don't even remember any particular problems from that period...

A couple of years later we wanted a second child, I immediately became pregnant, left my job. The long-awaited daughter, the husband really wanted a girl. However, history repeated itself, I did not reach the heavenly houri. When the daughter was about half a year old, the husband announced that he could no longer do this, and that it would be better for all of us (!) If he took a second wife. It was the collapse of my world, I cried all day on the bed. I was so scared - where am I, and who am I? I don't even have anywhere to go. And if I decide to leave for Russia, will they let me go, give up my children? She told her husband that if she wants to, let her marry, but I will not participate in this - a divorce. He thought and said that he did not agree to a divorce and did not want to lose me ... so be it, he would not look for a second wife. I remember that I didn’t feel much better from his words, I realized that I need to take care of myself and be ready for anything. My husband held me tightly to himself, seemed to even cry, saying that I belong only to him, forever, and he will not let me go anywhere ...

Then I went according to a proven scheme (intuitively, I didn’t read anything like Evolution then). My daughter is a year old, a new job, health status has increased, relations have improved. The boss is in love with me, my husband feels it, is jealous, but does not show his mind (I am sure of me, as he later said - "I trust you more than myself"). At this moment, I push my husband to apply for immigration to Canada, we collect all the documents, we get a residence permit. The spouse hesitates whether to move right now, or wait. He has a favorite job in an international company, he is growing up the career ladder. And in Canada - it is not known how everything will be ...

The impossible happens here. I find out I'm pregnant, with a helix. I already knew what awaited me after giving birth, and I felt that I was not ready to go through this meat grinder in my relationship with my husband. He again starts the bagpipe that this is "my decision", and that he is still happy. I would never refuse a child, so there is nothing to decide ... We planned a hasty move to Canada so that the child would be born there.

Then there was a terrible episode on vacation with his parents, when he hit me. He was in an insane state, my husband's sister pulled him off me ... I said that I wanted a divorce ... and immediately broke off to myself. I am in his country, his family is nearby, and I am in a dependent position. I thought about children, and what I need to hold out before moving to Canada. He asked for forgiveness, said that he hated himself. I didn't want to see or hear him. I barely talked to him for a month, the first time we had such a long period without intimacy. He made amends as best he could. However, later he mentioned that I had brought him to this (it was my own fault), and now he will suffer from this for the rest of his life.

We moved to Canada, the youngest son was born. This period (2 years) until today is a complete trash in our personal relationships. I noticed that my husband communicates with girls on the phone. I was taken aback. Before that, I had absolute confidence. He replied that the communication was friendly. I asked to be friends with men. I think from that moment on he liked to manipulate my jealousy. He promised (and sometimes he didn’t promise, he just kept silent about my claims) to stop, I believed, and then I found correspondence again. Now I understand that he left them for me. Revenge me? Wanted to hurt, trample, bend? He seems to hate me. Despite the fact that he found a good job, and everything turned out quite well for us in a new country, my husband was in a frightening state for me ... he began to go to a psychotherapist, antidepressants, irritability not only to me, but also to children, zero patience ... There were periods when he suddenly became energetic, affectionate, attentive, but this lasted a day or two at most. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It seemed to me that there were no global reasons to be dissatisfied with our marriage. I thought that his depression would be cured, that everything would fall into place. Freed him to the maximum from help around the house and other duties. Agreed to his purchase of a sports motorcycle. Then we bought a house with a mortgage, it was the dream of his life. He made repairs, took into account all my wishes, dreamed of how we would live there. I started my small online business, which quickly gained momentum, my husband encouraged and sometimes helped.

The last straw was the email I found in his mail. It was a copy of his chat with a travel agent (a romantic trip for two on the dates of my departure to Russia). I demanded him to move out from us to the house where the renovation was going on. The husband did not apologize, did not make excuses. He said that he set up everything that he had no one (yet), but he wanted me to kick him out, broke up with him myself. How was I supposed to get him so that he would do this, I was disgusted by my own stickiness ... I asked if he was giving me a divorce, my husband went to another room, did not answer, but in the end he said in a trembling voice that he would .

We had a lot of fight-correspondence after that, on the verge of agony. His main accusation is that I never really wanted him, and I didn’t love him either. And although he loves me, he cannot continue to live with me, but he could only if he had another woman / wife who would neutralize my "depression". But he is unlikely to find one either, although he will try with his first love (Arab, divorced after a month of unsuccessful marriage). In order to completely trample me, he sent me "random" screenshots from his phone, where the avatar of his ex was already hanging (the matchmaking began, five minutes after the divorce). He complained to his family (he always did this before) about all our problems, down to intimate details. My father-in-law then called me and scolded me, taught me about my duties to my husband. Even my aunt's husband wrote a treatise through a translator about what an "under-woman" I am. Tin.

I tried and eco-friendly to apologize at parting (“sorry for my stubbornness and unwillingness to change for you ... we can’t be together with you, because I’m not able to share you with either second wives or mistresses”). The effect was this - it reinforced his rightness in the gap (I myself admitted my guilt that I destroyed everything, and he was a victim, he endured his slavery for so long). Once he offered to write lists of wishes for changes to each other. The next day he changed his mind, said he was afraid of a repetition. Then I offered to try to mend the relationship one last time for the sake of the children. Also no.

I love my husband and don't want to lose him. I'm desperate. But I am no longer ready to be rejected again and again. Staying friends in the same house for the sake of the kids (as he once suggested), but in fact living your own life... it's beyond me, it's hellish hell. Just like sharing it with someone. It would be better if he completely disappeared from my field of vision. But we have children. I drive thoughts about him away from me, work on the locus of control, deal with resources .. I will go to study at the full-time department in college, although it is very scary that I will not be able to cope with three children alone.

I would be grateful for your understanding of my situation.

Marina Yaroslavtseva writes: About the letter of a woman who married an Arab man. Here I tried to be silent, but I read the analysis of her text and just breaks. Everything is not so elementary, Watson, as it seems, and if I did not communicate with a woman living in the United Arab Emirates, I would not know what actually happened in this family, simply because I would analyze the situation from the point of view of the Russian - like Evolution itself - aunts.

Evo madam is smart, not to take away, but there are peculiarities of mentality, and pure erudition, whether you know about it or not. Babu, who rushed off to live in another country with its peculiarities and behavior accepted there, she can evaluate and diagnose correctly, without questions, but ... not a man living in a different perception of reality.

So, we read that a poor woman came from Russia to an eastern country, gave birth to three children, after each birth she was steadily sour (not feeling the worship of her maternal heroism, as in Russia, because in the east it is the norm and happiness to give birth, and not a feat) , and her husband mirrored her condition. After that, each time she left the kids, went to work, her husband’s respect was restored, only he, the goat, all the time wanted warmth and affection, so he asked to have a second wife so that she would give it to him (that is, on the first he put a fat cross, realizing that he will never see these things from her).

Let's look at the situation as the standard Russian woman sees it. I am a queen, I gave birth to a monument to me, I endure my husband’s brain, because he is a priori obliged and gives little than I really deserve. Few, few and LITTLE. There is little respect, reverence, appreciation of the heroic efforts of sitting at home with a baby, spending the best years of my life on you bitch.

But this is the Russian point of view. We forget that the man is generally in principle from another country. There, a woman has a different role, not just DIFFERENT, but a different fucking one, not at all similar to ours. There are no these queens, a man cannot even imagine them, in principle, therefore, he perceived all their communication before marriage through the prism of his customs.

A woman should be there - to provide comfort, psychological in the first place, no one there brought him up to carry his wife in his arms, as the majority of us do, who take care of children from kindergarten to college - chronically single women who hate everything with a Y chromosome. What is the first thing boys are taught? You MUST obey GIRLS because you have a different pussy. Dot. Must. Slave from birth by sex.

Can you imagine what a jamb of perception ?! You know that a family is when a husband loves his wife, then children will be born and die on the same day. And suddenly it turns out that for your man marriage is a free union, no childbirth, and every day a mistress in your bed.

Shock? Of course, shock. And no one is to blame, some have such an idea, others have another. And here I will explain what my namesake did not smoke. Yes, there are no balances there, dynamic or crazy, nothing to do with pumping resources and loci of various types with crowns at the ready. EVERYTHING IS EASIER.

The man was waiting for the same oriental wife to come and he would be happy. And who is it? A muse woman who greets with a smile from work, gives energy, is always glad to her spouse, gives love and adoration. An oriental man comes home from work and is HAPPY to him, they can’t stand the brain, but they are happy to see him. They relieve tension and negativity of the working day from him, give him strength.

This is a normal oriental marriage. A yin woman, not our Russian woman of traditional marriage who is always dissatisfied with everything. Of course, the man aaahrenel. He thought that if he provided for the family, he would get a wife who gives birth and builds a nest, and not a depressive snake that grinds his balls into a fist holding a baby.

He told her he wanted a second wife or he'd go nuts. She thought it was about sex. Yes, fuck it's not about bed, it's about support and support, about love, after all! There is such a thing, yes, it's called love. This is when you burn and in response to you another person burns,

This story is not about the fact that there is not so and not given there. All this is about the difference in mentality, which breaks down most marriages with foreigners. Traditional marriage, ours, soviet, it means a woman is not a man’s neck, and she also rules them for some reason. Eastern - a woman-muse, an inspiration to her man, his good mood, an infusion of energy, removing negativity. Or Western partnership, when no one owes anything to anyone, we live together simply because now we like it and nothing more.

And when people fall in love, they usually don't think about what the other person has for the end of marriage. They simply project their opinion about the family, not suspecting that it can be fatally different for another. And here the OPS is a surprise! I want a second wife, because you, bitch, have already eaten my whole brain with a teaspoon. I don’t have the strength, and to take a note from where, I want a woman who will meet me from work with a smile.

And he is completely right. Here I am on his groan, definitely. If an Eastern man, having three children, wants to leave, this is his scribe as they got it. They sucked his brain out through his toes. This Russian classic depressive bore ate a bald patch in his curly oriental head.

Fall in love. Get married. Just look at the mentality, so that later you don’t shed crocodile tears and disgrace yourself on the Internet, without even understanding this in principle. I brought a man, left her, now she is crying - I want to return. But he was bad, he didn’t like, he even beat, corresponded with strangers, and now “I want to return it.” What is this, a receipt for its complete insolvency? No one else will covet, no one needs and BM is a shitty chance, but the only one?

She writes that when she went to work, her husband changed his attitude towards her for the better. Fuck you. Read another - when I started to plow, I didn’t have the strength to brainwash him the way I did it while sitting at home - that’s all the improvement, no psychology with pumping resources, and expensive trainings are not needed.

Everything is simple.

You should not think that if you have a tangle of relationships in your life, then this is a really unique tangle and you need to unravel it with mega-professionals for a lot of money.

Often you need a few basic concepts and common sense, and if you don’t have a second one, then it won’t help you at all.

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This got me thinking after my last post...
Of course, I was not surprised that you were surprised, to put it mildly, by my niqab, but I want to make a reservation right away that I don’t want to somehow focus on it, let alone argue on religious and near-religious topics, because in fact for me personally, on this resource, it does not matter what faith we profess, it is important that we are all mothers, wives, needlewomen and this unites us)))

In general, I wanted to tell you about communication between the sexes in Egypt. Of course, here this question is more strict than here in Russia. here, by and large, there are no concepts of gelfriend and boyfriend, although, of course, young people meet, make eyes, but no one tells their parents about such a relationship. I didn’t see kissing couples here, although they love to hug along the banks of the Nile in an embrace ...
In general, when a guy decides to get married, he tries to find a girl who has never dated anyone before (although it all depends on the guy himself, of course). But in general, parents very strictly monitor their daughters (I mean the middle class), so the youth is usually encrypted ...
In college, of course, they already happen and meet and then get married ...
And how do they find a bride? either a girl will like it from college, or through friends they are looking for someone who has a sister of marriageable age, or a friend of his wife, etc.
We have an example in our family - once a boy and a girl studied in the same class, but did not communicate with each other at all, several years passed. The boy decided to get married, asked his older sister to ask around friends, is there anyone for marriage, so the sister immediately advised her college friend - they say she is from a good family, she hasn’t met anyone, very active, cheerful, and of course cute) Well, guy immediately agreed to the meeting. and what was his surprise that this girl turned out to be his former classmate))) They met (with their parents), talked, then got engaged and began to prepare for the wedding)
Other story. the girl herself in college wore a niqab due to religious beliefs (her mother also wears it), her mother dissuaded her - they say, why, how will you find a husband? walk like this, then you'll dress. mamselle stood her ground ... and what? she went to a friend’s wedding, where people took pictures, and then a friend of the bride’s relative saw one of the photos and became interested in this girl in a niqab. He got the phone of the girl’s father, he called him, explained what and how, came to visit, looked at the girl (she opened her face to him), then there was an engagement and then a wedding.
How else can Arabs find a wife? It happens that a couple has a very long relationship (for example, from college), at first secretly, then the guy officially gets engaged to the girl, then the engagement lasts 2.3 years or even 5 years, and then the wedding is played. It is clear that such a relationship implies joint trips and hikes and much more ... but such a scenario is rather an exception to the rule. Arabs are traditionalists in their mass. anyway.
It happens (but this is soooo rare) when a guy asks his parents to find him a wife, trusting them.
And it happens that an Arab does not marry for a long time, and then finds a wife through the Internet or brings her from distant countries after studying - but this is also rather an exception.
PS and by the way, niqab girls get married faster than niqab girls. This is also noted...

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In my article, I want to highlight some aspects of marriages with Arabs on the experience of my friends and acquaintances. I want to note right away that we are not talking about dating via the Internet. Why? The fact is that Russian women who are looking for a husband abroad prefer to find a person of close European-Christian culture living in a developed country. Therefore, it is unlikely that a sane woman will go from Russia somewhere to the Middle East, to a country with different traditions, culture and mentality. It should also be noted that a normal average resident of the Middle East is looking for a wife through relatives, friends, acquaintances or work colleagues. Usually this is a woman from the same sociocultural environment.

A natural question arises: who are those "Muslim princes" who write to our women? These can be: gigolos trying to obtain citizenship of a more developed country (including Russia) by marrying a foreigner; wealthy Gulf residents looking for a white cheap mistress for a while; pimps and slavers who lure our women abroad and sell them to brothels. Türkiye and the UAE are the centers of the slave trade, and Russian women are in incredible demand there. To call all these types "Muslims" I can not turn my tongue. Like a Muslim. Such bastards, I think, cannot be called people. Perhaps someone found their happiness in marriage with an Arab via the Internet, but I personally do not know of such cases.

The acquaintance of our women with Arabs takes place in real life, usually at an institute where foreign students study. In my experience, most mixed marriages are from students. Such marriages are concluded very often, but they often break up. The main reason is the difference in mentalities and cultural traditions. These traditions are usually called "Muslim", and the bearers of the traditions themselves are called "Muslims". Is it so?

Let me tell you a little about myself. I converted to Islam about 7 years ago. I had no thoughts of marriage and departure. Two more Russian girls came to Islam with me: both are not married. I do not want to explain the reasons for my choice, the path to God is a personal matter, I just want to say that for any believer of any denomination, communication with fellow believers is necessary. My friends lived in a hostel because they were students from other cities. Arab students lived in the same dormitory. Theoretically, they were my co-religionists, but I would not communicate with most of them, let alone get married, even more so, as a believing Muslim woman. The fact is that a true Muslim is one who observes the precepts of his religion. In our hostel, out of 150 Arabs, there were three. The rest drank and had fun with the girls. They were ethnic Muslims. The fact is that if we ask an ordinary Russian how Orthodox he is, we will hear several options in response: an atheist, sometimes I go to church, I believe in God, but I don’t follow the instructions of the church, and so on. If we ask the same question to a Muslim about his religion, we will hear something different: even the most drinking and depraved Arab will beat his heel in the chest, claiming that he is a Muslim, even if he does not observe anything. And in general, Islam is not like that, don't look at me, I'm not a role model. Such maxims mislead non-Muslims. Especially in the case of the hostel described above, where there is a miserable bunch of believers: 3 Russians, 3 Arabs and two Tatar grandmothers (watchmen, we taught them to pray, because under the Soviet regime they had no knowledge of their religion) - there was a contrasting spectacle in comparison with drunken crowds of Arabs and their drunken girlfriends.

By the way, about girlfriends. Many girls, when meeting with Arabs, hoped for a serious relationship, but I knew that in most cases this was impossible: someone was already waiting for a bride at home, someone just had a Russian girl for fun. I had no moral right to interfere in someone else's personal life and "open the eyes" of our girls. I wore a scarf, and this already distinguished me: none of the Arabs slept with me, on the contrary, when I walked by, my "brothers" shyly lowered their eyes, hiding vodka in their pants pockets. Our girls could not but see this when meeting with the Arabs. Usually they just ignored me, they didn’t ask questions, they didn’t ask for advice: well, some strange girl in strange clothes walks around, so what? In a word, I felt some kind of barrier between me and these girls, although I felt terribly sorry for them. When part of the Arabs left for their homeland, having abandoned their loved ones, there was smoke in the hostel. The most furious girls almost threw themselves at me, blaming me, my headscarf and my Islam, they say, they didn’t do this to me, no one used me. Of course, there were few especially aggressive ones, most of them quietly suffered alone: ​​it's no joke, losing 3-5 years per person and wasted.

Of course, not everyone is like Masha and Nina. Most unhappy marriages with Arabs are love marriages. Marriages with Europeanized Arabs, allegedly cut off from their roots. In Russia, these guys are no different from Russians, except that they look after them more beautifully, but when they take their wife home, everything changes. A former shirt-guy can grow a beard and become sharply "orthodox", demanding the same from his wife: since you love me, obey. Most of these Arabs are childishly naive, they sincerely believe that thanks to love, their wives will also be imbued with the spirit of their traditions and will be "like everyone else." This is especially true for the change of faith. All Muslims are confident in the truth of their faith. (Like believing Catholics or Orthodox). Only believing Muslims understand that faith is an intimate matter, and believing in the truth of their religion, they do not expect that everyone around them will also adhere to the same views. And a truly believing Muslim marries only a Muslim woman, and he will meet her not at a disco, but through friends or relatives. A believer of any denomination will observe his religion everywhere: both at home and in a foreign land, no matter how difficult it may be. Agree, this clearly does not apply to the walking comrades described above. That is why the ex-wives of such Arabs blaspheme Muslims and Islam, although we obviously have nothing to do with it. Labeling, blaming creeds and abstract people is easier than getting to the bottom of the problem. But the bottom line is that there is no smell of religion here: the husband was never a religious person, a change of faith is only a requirement to follow traditions, and the wife had no idea about the religion and traditions of her husband's country. And I didn’t want to know and understand, I would have known - I would have thought a hundred times.

I am more than sure that Russian women, when they were going to marry an Arab, were warned more than once by their parents, friends and acquaintances. I am also sure that they have read different stories. But they get married, they go to their beloved. What awaits them? A sharp change in lifestyle: long clothes, honoring the elders and relatives of the husband, the inability to make a career, obedience to the husband. What does all this mean?

First, the relationship with the husband's relatives. If they accepted the daughter-in-law - the marriage can already be considered half happy, support and protection are guaranteed, if something went wrong - you can complain to the father-in-law, they will suggest to their son: the Arabs obey their father and mother. If the father-in-law is against such a marriage, it is better to get a divorce. Especially if the husband obeys his relatives.

Secondly, it is the relationship with her husband. In Muslim countries, women communicate with women separately from men. It will be normal for a Muslim woman to ask her husband not to go to the market: hustle, pestering merchants, heavy bags. Usually men buy provisions for the family. It is also normal for a Muslim woman to prioritize home and raising children; The job of a husband is to provide for his family. An Arab will prefer to live with a woman who is family-oriented rather than career-oriented, but he will never dare to tell his wife that she is sitting on his neck. Of course, there are also working women, but preference is given to working in a purely female team (beauty salons, ateliers, and so on), or with children: kindergartens, schools. Often women work in the family business of their fathers-in-law and husbands: shops, clinics (if both spouses are doctors). However, in all cases, Muslim men are sure that raising a child and doing housework is also hard work. Muslim women themselves are of the same opinion.

Now a few words about the character of the husband. It usually manifests itself in the first year or two of marriage. This time, as a rule, young people spend together, living in Russia. The husband may not demand to wear long, but he may already begin to show himself. A smart woman will immediately notice if a man is greedy, kind, demanding, strong in character or a rag. Arriving at home, such husbands are unlikely to change dramatically: weak-willed ones will obey their relatives, strong and authoritarian men will try to control their wives even more. If a husband beats his wife, then he usually beats her everywhere: both in Russia and abroad. Conclusion: it is necessary to decide whether it is worth living with such a person or not BEFORE leaving Russia. If there are children in the marriage, then they need to make Russian citizenship. After leaving for an Arab country, Russian citizenship also cannot be changed: our diplomatic services will only provide assistance to their citizens abroad, Russian law does not recognize dual citizenship.

At one time, I came across an article "Why do you girls love Syrians." I don't remember which newspaper. The bottom line is that these Syrians married Russians, registered, lived at their expense, and even beat their wives. I just could not understand how you can tolerate a parasite, prescribe him, and even allow yourself to be beaten! Note that this was in Russia, these women could get divorced, they could not get married at all, but live in a civil marriage. They could just leave - they are all Muscovites, they have a job and a residence permit. This could have stopped. However, these women went further: they gave birth to children from their husbands, but two by two. And then, having divorced, they made a fuss: the fathers took the children to Syria. There was even a TV program where the mufti from the Spiritual Administration of Muslims of Russia publicly said what I am writing about: why was it necessary to give birth to children from them, and in what place are these Syrians - Muslims? Personally, I know that an Arab will not leave his children, but I also saw various examples of divorces, where children remained with both their mother and father - in my experience, everything depends on the person. If, in the case of these Syrians, it is immediately clear what kind of people they are, one cannot expect good from them.

In fairness, it should be noted that sometimes the most decent of the Arabs, before talking about marriage, talk about their country and faith. This initially shocks potential brides, but when they recover, they are realistic about the prospect of marriage with such a person, and in my experience, marriages are happy. Also, information about the country of the husband can be searched on the Internet, read reference books, notes of travelers who have visited these countries, read something from fiction written by Arab authors. It is better to take modern writers, they paint a picture of life in their countries without embellishment and objectively, not bypassing problems and dark sides. I personally really like the Syrian writer Ulfat Ul Idlibi.

Also, in fairness, it should be noted that most happy marriages with Arabs were concluded with Russian Muslim women, Tatars, residents of the North Caucasus. And the Arabs themselves were religious people. In addition to professional education, women also had a religious education, they spoke Arabic. Before marriage, the families of the husbands already received the daughter-in-law in absentia, and the families of the wives - the son-in-law. Agree, common spiritual values, support from parents on both sides, knowledge of Arabic - all this is a very good foundation for laying relationships. However, these happy couples did not all leave for their husbands' homelands. The reasons are different. For example, in Sudan and Algeria there is a civil war. In the UAE, the Russian diploma received by husbands is not quoted, and they cannot find work in their specialty. Egypt - low standard of living, poor health care and education system. Only a few couples settled in Syria and Morocco, but in this case, father-in-laws are rich people, which means that you can live in your own house, in a clean and calm area, and often visit your parents in Russia. The downside is that you can’t scold the ruler out loud, you can go to jail for this: there is no freedom of speech for those.

Most of my acquaintances, happily married, returned to Russia from Sudan, Algeria and Egypt. It’s not easy in Russia either: those of my Sudanese acquaintances who opened their business in Russia (confectionery shop) lost their money during the 1998 financial crisis. Therefore, those who could, went to the United States or Canada. Also not sugar: life from scratch with one suitcase. Those who remained in Russia work in their specialty. Usually these are doctors (most of the Arabs educated in Russia are doctors). It's not for me to tell you how doctors are paid in Russia, so wives also work, sometimes in the same hospital, to make ends meet.

You can ask me personally: would I marry an Arab? It's hard for me to give a definitive answer to this question. I would marry a good and believing person, and all my Arab acquaintances did not want to go home, they were better off in Russia ... I would love to marry a Russian Muslim, but they were all taken apart. And among those Arabs who wanted to live in Russia, almost everyone drank and did not observe anything. I must say that there were good people among these guys, they helped me with work and generally helped me in life, but I would not marry them. Moreover, I would not register anyone in my apartment: neither an Arab nor a Russian. Only here, in order to obtain Russian citizenship, a registration is required, so no matter how wonderful an Arab is, I would not register him.

Again, for the sake of justice, I must say that among my Algerian acquaintances there were guys who were successful in business. They bought housing with their own money, registered there, and honestly, earned the citizenship of the Russian Federation with their work, and then they got married, registering their wives in their apartments. But this is an exceptional case.

Everything I wrote about here has one goal: when the next letter arrives from another girl who is in love with an Arab and is going to him for permanent residence, remember my letter too. Believe me: I have seen a huge number of mixed marriages, and for the most part, women with closed eyes rushed into the pool with their heads, not thinking about anything but their love. How many times I tried to talk to these girls - it was useless, they did not hear anything but the call of the heart, and then many cried bitterly.

Some time ago, the topic of Arab-Jewish marriages stirred up almost the entire Israeli society, splashing out on the pages of newspapers. And this despite the fact that at the center of the situation there was a single story of the Jew Morel Malka and the Arab Mahmoud Mansour, whose wedding took place in Rishon Lezion and caused two permitted demonstrations at once - in support and in condemnation.

Our newspaper has already written about it. But the very topic of mixed marriages is not exhausted by that scandalous story. She has many layers. The problem, let's face it, is hypersensitive for all Jews, and especially for Israelis, and therefore it makes sense to understand some of its features. For example, what are the real dimensions of the social phenomenon in our country and not in our country, and how susceptible are Russian-speaking repatriate girls, both Jews according to Halakha and non-Jews, to the new craze. This aspect was out of the attention of the Israeli press. And in vain ...

Ibrahim is looking for Lena

... This is our family secret for a long time and is well known. Despite the fact that relations between the Russian-speaking and Arab communities in Israel remain quite tense, and it is the natives of “one of us” who periodically offer the most radical slogans for the liberation of their native country from the Arabs, there is an inexplicable phenomenon: Arab guys for some reason tend to marry new repatriates from former USSR. If we talk about the love of children of different nations, it is not entirely clear why Israeli Arabs who want to marry Jewish women prefer new arrivals to their compatriot Sabras, despite the fact that the latter often have not one, but two common languages ​​at once. After all, Hebrew is very decently studied in Arabic schools, and in Jewish ones, at the very least, they teach Arabic ...

... We wander between the shops of the Aliya wholesale market in Tel Aviv, at the very beginning of the endless Levinsky Street. I was brought here by my friend Chaim, the owner of a Russian shop in Holon. I have been buying food from him almost since the moment I arrived in Israel, and he himself drove to the market to look for some cheaper goods. Chaim is a frequent visitor to this market, he knows perfectly well which shop to look for. The owners of the shops - mostly Arabs - also recognize him and invite him from afar. Ibrahim, a pasta and groceries vendor from Beit Lehem, hauls sacks to our car and chats willingly on various topics. It is immediately obvious that the guy is rather lazy: having loaded one bag of oatmeal into the trunk, he leaves the second one for Chaim. “Either load everything, or give back the money,” Khaim is indignant.

But now the work is done, and we can talk.

- Don't you think about getting married? Chaim asks matter-of-factly. - You are long overdue. Have you found a girlfriend?

“Not yet,” Ibrahim shakes his head. - They matched me with several of ours. I don't want to. Didn't agree. I'm looking for Russian. Can you help?

Why do you need a Russian? Chaim shrugs. - He doesn’t know the language, he doesn’t understand habits, your parents will probably not like it ...

- Uh-uh ... I'll list you in order, - Ibrahim bends his fingers. First, beautiful. Everyone makes a good impression. I need a beautiful wife, I'll work for the owner a little more, and then I'll open my shop - a beautiful woman attracts buyers. Secondly, Russian girls are hardy, good at work, adapt to new customs very quickly.

“Well, I convinced you,” Chaim laughs. - Now there is nothing left: to find one that will go for you, big-nosed one, and that's it. Don't forget to invite me to the wedding!

“Here’s an item of high demand for you,” Haim states when Ibrahim leaves with his wheelbarrow. “Russians” are wanted by everyone, and the Israeli Arabs even more so.

How many?

Until recently, statistics on this matter did not exist. In the State of Israel, Jews were supposed to have gathered to be Jews. Publications about Israelis who, for one reason or another, converted to Islam, caused shock in society. (I will say right away that one of the stories that shocked Israel no less than the current wedding was connected with a Jewish Russian-speaking guy who decided to convert to Islam). The well-known site y-net tried to collect materials on this issue and found out that “every year in Israel about 40 people convert to Islam, mostly women who marry Muslims. But in 2006, a new “record” was recorded - 70 Jews converted to Islam.” A 2012 Knesset report stated that the number of converts to Islam had reached 100. According to the Israeli Central Bureau of Statistics, quoted by the Jerusalem Post, in 2011 there were 8,994 marriages abroad, of which 27 were between Jews and Arabs. The number is small, and it is hardly worth talking about a trend, but nevertheless, society is concerned. According to a poll by the Haaretz newspaper, 75% of the Jewish population of Israel and 65% of the Arab population oppose such marriages. It is curious that the smallest percentage of those who oppose is among the Christian Arabs, and a much larger one, up to 70%, among the Muslims.

The best Arab brides are “Russian” repatriates

... On that day, Marina Machulina, a repatriate from St. Petersburg, a graduate of the Herzen Pedagogical Institute, a translator from Spanish into Russian by profession and a single mother by marital status, was the least likely to meet anyone. She was walking down the street and came across a large sign: “Arabic Book Exhibition at the Beit HaGefen Center.” Then she was not aware that “Beit HaGefen” is the Center for Arab Culture in Haifa. “It’s interesting to see,” she thought, “what these books look like, and have Russian publications been thrown along with them?”

She walked around booth after booth, but there were no Russian books, and no Hebrew books either. It was obvious that Marina was disappointed.

- Girl, what are you looking for? - a handsome guy called out to her in Hebrew and introduced himself: Mamon Said Ahmad. – Maybe I can help? Russian books? No, we didn't think about that. But next time we will definitely bring it, no doubt. And by the way, could you tell us why “Russians” love books so much?

He was emphatically polite and attentive, and he clearly wanted to continue the conversation, but Marina hurried, noting to herself that the guy was nice.

The second time they met was also by chance, a few years later. Daniel, Marina's son from her first marriage, went to kindergarten, which was located near Mamon's house. Therefore, having heard the invitation to enter the house, Marina did not refuse, thinking that if an accident occurs a second time, it is not such an accident. Thus began their friendship.

Mamon took care of Marina and her son, she felt that he respected her. But the wedding was in no hurry.

“I didn’t want to get married and have children until I got my own house, that’s how it is with us,” says Mamon. “So we had to wait. Marina didn't mind.

In general, nine years after the first meeting, they decided to get married.

It remained to choose where: according to her religious affiliation, she is Jewish in Halacha, he is a Muslim. Marina was not going to convert to Islam. Moreover, she left behind her own surname. And inter-religious marriages in our country, as everyone knows, are invalid. Like most couples who do not have a wedding in Israel, they did not want to go to Cyprus, this place was completely alien to them, and, according to both, their close people should have been present at the wedding. Therefore, having weighed everything, they preferred the “Russian” option. And they flew to St. Petersburg, Marina's homeland. There, no one cared about the nationality of the bride and groom. Gathered institute friends of Marina, school friends. And having celebrated the wedding merrily, the mixed couple returned to the difficult Israeli life.

Marina had to enter a large Arab family, with its own system of relations between aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters ...

- Probably, my situation was facilitated by the fact that Mamon is a secular person, and did not require me to join his religion, and I gradually got to know his relatives. His mother lives in the same house with us, we communicate often, and I gradually found some advantage in this - he goes to her to eat traditional Arabic dishes. And I was very glad that Mamon liked the simple fried potatoes!

Mamon believes that he and Marina have a good family, although not ideal.

- Of course, I know very well that Arab wives spend much more time cleaning the house and cooking than my wife, but I feel good with her, and I am proud of her education and intelligence.

“Marina,” I ask a question, “there is an opinion that Jewish repatriates are more willing to connect their lives with Arabs than Sabras, because their Jewish education is not strong enough. What do you think about it?

– The fact that immigrants from Russia are less biased towards the Arabs, that's for sure.

- But the Russian-speaking environment is just the opposite - more right-wing?

– I don’t belong to this group, neither do my friends, so I don’t feel pressure from the environment. As for the difference between repatriates and sabras, Mamon says that he would never marry a sabra, if only because he would not be accepted by the girl's family.

– But the confrontation between Jews and Arabs in our country is not getting weaker. According to popular belief, the Israeli Arabs are supporting the Palestinians in the conflict, not the Israelis. Your soul does not hurt for your fellow tribesmen?

- I know that the Israeli Arabs are very different, and you can't put everyone under the same brush. There are ordinary, calm people with a secular way of life, there are very religious people, and there are extremists. I do not presume to judge this conflict - it is too complicated.

... When their daughter was born, Mamon asked Marina to name the girl in honor of his mother - Amira. And although Marina was somewhat embarrassed by this circumstance, she nevertheless agreed. Let your husband be happy. The girl uttered the first words in Russian.

“Imported wives” in Israel do not take root ...

I did ask Marina's husband, Mamon Said Ahmad, why Israeli Arabs prefer to marry repatriates.

– For quite some time now, in some Arab families, especially in the territories, it has been customary to bring wives from abroad. Since many Arabs previously received higher education in the former Soviet Union, and now go to study in Russia, the category of “imported Russian wives” is constantly increasing. Personally, I am against such “import”. In my opinion, a girl, torn from her environment and found herself in a foreign land without relatives and friends, is painfully experiencing her loneliness. She is in shock, everything is alien to her: except for the language and customs, she also has a completely unfamiliar country, which most often does not meet her expectations at all. Everything is familiar to him, but for her it is all incomprehensible, non-native. Of course, the strongest survive and adapt, but many can't stand it and break down, returning back to Russia. It seems to me that starting a family is very risky.

Unlike “imported wives”, repatriates know absolutely everything about this country, they chose it themselves, and not at the request of their husband, they themselves adapted, got out - they drank everything. They tried everything, there will be no surprises for them. And if they have already decided to stay in Israel, this means that they are able to live here and not faint if she or her husband cannot find a job and there is no money in the house. She has close relatives - parents, girlfriends. The repatriates are in all respects local people, but at the same time they also have a European education, knowledge of world culture and a broad outlook. These are the real, reliable wives. Therefore, the “demand” for them in the bride market is constantly increasing. Six of my friends married repatriates, the seventh wedding is on the way. My friend Azmi Shkhadi marries a girl Lena. According to unofficial statistics, there are already almost five hundred mixed couples in Nazareth. Our common language is Hebrew. That's how we live.

“Wind Theme”

The topic of marriage preferences of Israeli Arabs has long been seriously occupied by the "competent authorities", as well as directly by the Israeli leadership. He agrees to give me an interview, without giving his name, a researcher of the problems of the Middle East - a popular lecturer, a "mizrachnik" with great experience.

- Tell me, why does the desire of the Arabs to marry repatriates from the former USSR occupies state minds?

- Because we are talking about some kind of national confrontation. Marriage with a representative of another nationality implies a concession to foreign traditions, to a certain extent a challenge to one's society, a rejection of one's own cultural orientation and a transition to another camp. When it comes to Israel, where the demographic situation is developing not in favor of the Jews, it is very important to find out why girls who come to the country to become Jewish, join Jewish traditions, it is here that they cross the line and leave the Jewish world for the Arab one. No matter how many such girls there are, this cannot but worry the representatives of the authorities. We want to understand where gaps were made in national education. I must say that the issue of Arab-Russian-Jewish marriages did not arise just now.

- And when?

“Oh, this problem has a long history. It is associated with the communist movement and the creation of the Communist Party of Israel. Ever since the thirties of the last century, it was common for both Jewish and Arab communists in Palestine to marry Jewish girls who came from Russia. Some went to promote Zionism. Others are communism. In both cases, they seemed to the local young people as representatives of a genuine ideology, they were all very ideological: either super-Zionists or super-communists. The latter did their best to propagate the internationalism that was to triumph on this earth. They tried to bring this time closer by personal example and entered into marriages with Arab communists. Almost all Arab communist leaders of that time were married to Russian-speaking Jewish girls, and in many cases they themselves spoke at least a little Russian.

– Research work in this respect does not stop. We conduct dozens of interviews to establish patterns. Characteristic features are visible. Supporters of international marriages are clearly divided into two categories. These are either highly educated, career-advancing women who are convinced that the highest values ​​are supranational. Their choice of a person of a different clan-tribe is dictated by ideological convictions. Among the new repatriates, there are still such idealists - they marry for love, which is obviously alien to national restrictions.

The second category, on the contrary, is completely uneducated girls who were little engaged in childhood, and they rejoice at any affectionate word spoken by a strong person. New repatriates, who feel insecure in the Israeli environment, are embarrassed by their Hebrew, are most susceptible to the advances of Arab guys. Moreover, for them Hebrew is a non-native language, and here solidarity is manifested.

Speaking about forecasts, it can be noted that the first - strong, strong - become reliable wives, are saturated with Arab culture and ideology. The second - for the most part weak, dependent - join the ranks of "second wives", often temporary. But both the first and second categories are characterized by a weak connection with Jewish culture and traditions. They were deprived of it in the land of their exodus and failed to find it in Israel. That's what's scary. The Israeli school is by no means always able to provide reliable national convictions, and at the first shaking they collapse.

- Let's continue the "windy theme". In addition to ideology, language, social status, apparently, there is something special in the national traditions of love that makes our ardent girls neglect the prohibitions?

- Of course have. Arab men tend to be more courteous in the courtship process. They are attentive, gentle, caring and very persistent, while Jewish guys avoid the onslaught, because they are well aware of the consequences of too obsessive courtship. The Eastern culture of gender relations is much more refined and refined than it may seem to an ignorant person. Parents of young repatriates, as a rule, do not tell their daughters anything about the possible claims of young people from the Arab sector, because they underestimate their real attractiveness.

- And what do Arab guys find in our girls, why do they avoid Jewish Sabers?

– First, about the sabras. Girls who grew up in the system of Israeli Jewish education, including secular, are still much more attached to their customs and roots. In addition, they observe the confrontation between the Jewish and Arab sectors from early childhood and reject all attempts at courtship. Arab men are well aware of this deliberate rejection. And one more advantage of "Russians". Our neighbors have many different restrictions on intranational marriages, the hierarchical correspondence of families must be ensured, the groom's relatives cannot be inferior in importance and wealth to the bride's relatives. In some cases, the candidate for husband is not able to buy gifts due to new relatives. It is clear that in the situation of a “Russian” bride, all these problems disappear. For a long time I tried to understand how the Arab guys themselves define the main attractive property of the “Russian” repatriate girls. The answer, which hundreds of guys gave without saying a word, simply shocked me: “Russians are freer, not dependent on any stereotypes, more relaxed in love. And that's what makes them completely irresistible sexually and socially."

In conclusion, it remains to be added that among the clients of the Yad le-akhim company, which specializes in the release of Jewish girls from Arab families who have prayed for help, there are also enough Russian-speaking ...

Victoria Martynova, "News of the Week" - "Continent"