Toxic relationship signs of what to do. Toxic relationships, or love that destroys you. Are you in a toxic relationship
Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: A person's life is not always a chocolate candy or jingling caramels. Today I will tell you about something else. About an algorithm that has helped me many times. And maybe (I really hope so) it will help you too. We will talk about the algorithm for getting rid of toxic (neurotic, abusive) relationships.
I write a lot about good things. About achievements and success.
A person's life is not always a chocolate candy or jingling caramels. Today I will tell you about something else. About an algorithm that has helped me many times. And maybe (I really hope so) it will help you too. We will talk about the algorithm for getting rid of toxic (neurotic, abusive) relationships.
Stop closing this article when you see the word "relationship" and decide that this does not concern you in any way and never (with a wonderful wife / husband in the "marital status" column). I did not say that I mean only the relationship between a man and a woman (although, of course, they are also necessary), I am talking about any interaction between two people.
About abuse and abusers
For example:
between your parent and you
between you and your child
between you and a colleague
between you and your boss
between you and your neighbor (any gender)
between you and your business partner
between a man and a woman (husband and wife, couple and other variations of names appropriate for any cohabitation or meetings)
between you and that aunt-consultant in the store
Between you and this old woman who leaned over you in the subway car
and even, between you and your cigarette, alcohol or phone games
Well, I think you understand how global this topic is. And now to business.
As funny as it seems many of those in toxic relationships don't even realize it. Or, worse, they convince themselves that they are not in them.
Therefore, I will list the signs by which you can understand that you are in trouble. So, you are in a toxic relationship if:
1. Another person makes fun of or puts you down.
I will immediately exclude the possibility of self-deception and explain each point so that your brain is not tempted to convince you that "this case is not about you."
If the abuser(namely, this is what the aggressor in a toxic relationship is called) in private conversation or(even more so) in front of other people says something to you that offends you, makes others laugh at you or just pokes you in "your shortcomings", then you are in a toxic relationship rather than "he just has such a sense of humor and you know he's friendly." I have seen this one-sided humiliation several times between people working together. And this is the worst thing to see in the workplace.
2. The other person makes you feel inadequate. Or pressure you to make decisions.
He may not be telling you this directly. It is enough that he rolls his eyes when you speak. Or doesn't listen to you when you ask him to listen to something important to you. Or rudely interrupts, because he does not consider what you are saying important at all. Or does not consider you able to independently make decisions concerning you and your life.
This variant is often between parents and their adult children. and hides behind the phrase "you will always be a child to me." As if the fact that you were born and somehow raised by these people suggests that you will never grow up enough to become an adult and independent person, capable of having your own tastes, habits, mistakes and opinions. Own life.
That nice woman who advises you to take a dress that you doubt is also an abuser. Make your own decisions, even if they are sometimes wrong(which you will understand, again, yourself, and not with someone's "good hint"). Remember, she is not your mother, tightening the tight bow on your ponytail while you cry in pain, and you are not five years old.
3. Another person is playing String with you..
I just want to prevent your brain from coming up with consolation again and deciding that this is not your story, just because (and here choose and underline the option you need):
we agreed that this (thirty-third) time everything will be different,
no, we don’t have a thread, it’s just that his ex seduced him and he couldn’t resist (this time, what I know about betrayal, and those other 105 times when he didn’t burn),
It only seems to me that he is playing tricks, but in fact it is I MYSELF doing something wrong (I don’t love him enough, I don’t take him enough, I don’t salt borscht enough or I’m good at sex and other garbage that the articles in the section stuffed you with) Conscious Relationships" from women's magazines). I’m writing the female versions here (it’s just more convenient for me), but the male ones are the same, believe me.
And by the way, if you are reading this with a cigarette in your hands, then know that you are also playing Thread (with yourself) right now. And, of course, this is news.
4. Another person yells at you or hurts you physically.
If you are beaten, then you are unlikely to lie to yourself and decide that this is not about you. Although, if such a temptation appears, just re-read the previous paragraph.
5. Another person tells you that you are the source of all (or some particular) troubles, avoids you, suddenly and without a reasonable reason disappears from your life for a long time.
Or do you know for sure (feel) that only one of you loves. Or you stay in a relationship, the prospect of which is very vague for you or (even more so) is known, but not happy.
Here it is important to understand that I am not talking about situations when your partner / -rsha (and this situation is most often appropriate in relation to couples) wants to do his own thing, wants to be with friends, goes on a business trip or is sick and lies at home (not you) one.
The union of two independent people does not exclude (and even, on the contrary, needs) the personal space of each. But, something definitely went wrong when “you live like neighbors”, “you seem to be together, but he lives in two houses, and you don’t visit the second house (since he doesn’t call you there), “he leaves in depression / on a binge / on a spree / in being alone and this continues over and over again (although only two are enough to alert) and at the same time does not try to make sure that you never do this again in your life.
There is also my favorite. Phrases with "but". He doesn't love me, but he is reliable. She cheats on me, but she always sleeps at home. He humiliates me, but the salary is high. So, this is all "on the other hand" - a sure sign that you are in dreary and dragging nets to the bottom. But don't admit it to yourself.
If you mentally put a tick on any item(and especially on points 3 to 5), then your path to recovery will be the longest and most difficult. Because not only do you not respect yourself, but you have not yet grown a person inside yourself who would stop allowing this to be done to you. But in general, you question the fact that the cause is in the abuser, and not in you.
And now about the good. You have a chance. stop it and feel better. Stop it and never experience it again (at least not longer than a couple of minutes). become happy. Or do you think that true happiness is a healthy lifestyle, an MBA, a yoga membership or something else?
What do we have to do:
1. Take it on faith(at first you won’t be able to feel it with your whole body and soul, so I’m only talking about faith for now, you will really need it) the facts that:
it's not about you, it's about that toxic person that torments and hurts you.
you can stop it. And your life will not worsen, but will improve, even if at first it seems to you otherwise. Even if you will break (and you will).
I promise you that after you get out of a toxic relationship over and over again(and you will have to do this all the time at first. Since if you got stuck in them once, then a lot of toxic people will be attracted around you. Since toxic people will be attracted to you for some time by inertia. Since toxicity will send you "corpses" from a past life, even when you are already cured of this scourge) - over time, you will never again experience the negative feelings that you are experiencing now. And (and this is even more pleasant) you will suddenly begin to see exactly what kind of person is toxic. And do not choose toxic under any sauce.
2. Very good(not in the sense of a long time, but in the sense of "without lying to yourself") think and make a decision to end all the toxic relationships that you have formed. Believe me, a high salary or six children are weighty arguments to be afraid to do this.
But just imagine for a moment that tomorrow you will not be (pah, pah, of course). And all that you have seen and felt in this life is only painful minutes, hours, weeks and years of coexistence in the same space with the abuser. It won't be written on your tombstone, it won't be said out loud.
And even if you don’t die and from the outside everything looks smooth for others (although, what difference should it make to you what others think when it comes to the person most dear to you - you), but you will know, realize and understand You. Is not even a minute of your suffering a sufficient reason not to endure it any longer? Although, since you are still suffering, it means that it is insufficient.
At this point, it is also important to understand that maybe you will be alone(but not alone) first time. And this should not be afraid. Living in happiness and self-love is many times better than living with an abuser.
And it is also possible that during your "cleansing" those who had a tendency to stop being an abuser will also suffer. You can return them later (if you know for sure that you made a mistake, but this is a dangerous place). Well, or you will regret a little that you are not with them. This will be your only regret in this whole story called "a new happy life."
3. This item goes along with (or even during) the previous one. You need(simply vital) learn to love yourself. Phew, this is such a vulgarly hackneyed phrase now that I'm even ashamed to write it. All of a sudden you think I'm talking about going out and pumping up your muscles to get a manicure or something like that.
Actually, I'm talking about you need to grow a person inside yourself who will know everything about you, who will not let you be offended(now and then) who will know all the words and phrases that will protect you in the future. And who will always tell you something like “my dear girl, what do you want for breakfast today?” or “man, do you really want to continue living with this liar?”.
4. Well, the last. Remember - you are not unique. Well, that is, of course, unique for themselves and all those who love and know you. But not for the abuser. This is the most common trap that everyone falls into - to think that "he will change with me and will be different, you just need to ...". No! Will not be. And it won't change.
If a man cheated on all his wives, and then he met you and sings to you that he cheated on her, because ... Then he will cheat on you too. If your boss rotted your predecessor, humiliating and shouting at him for any offense, then he will rot you too.
Well, and so on. To the abuser, you are just a dog. Keep this in mind and don't get your hopes up. Well, if you know an example when this was not so, then I advise you only one thing .... wait and see again. They do not change, with anyone, even with the most unique ones.
I want to say a lot more, but apparently not all at once. I will only note that it may take you a long time to realize what is written here. You may not be able to do everything you need to do right away.
Perhaps you decide that this is nonsense and go on swallowing threads. But if not, then I sincerely wish you to believe in yourself(and I will believe in you) and walk(at least in small steps) towards a happy life. And boldly look ahead. And to know what else (and “already”) is not too late. Because even a year of living in happiness is worth it to start this work on the path to your true self. published If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project
You are in a relationship, and the very thought of it warms the soul. You feel like in a fairy tale when fire, water and copper pipes are passed, and the prince meets the princess. Then everything usually ends with the phrase "And they lived happily ever after." What happens after, history is usually silent. Everything is supposed to be great. But you don't really feel it.
1 Obscurity
All attempts to talk openly about what worries, run into rage and irritation. At best, there should be an attempt to change the topic of conversation. Getting a direct answer from a partner is as difficult as getting a cunning politician at a press conference.
2 Fear of discussion
If at first you still have strength and courage, then over time they leave, giving way. Fear of even hinting that something in a relationship does not suit you. You already know that you probably won't get an answer, so don't even try. Psychologists even have a special term - learned helplessness. After several unsuccessful attempts to change something, a person resigns himself, gives up and no longer looks for ways to correct his condition.
You plow like Papa Carlo, and the missus sprawled imposingly on the sofa and eats a cake. You run to a second job in the evening, and he goes to a bar because "I'm in a crisis, I need to rest."
4 Violent temper
Source: Lukas on Pexels
It is difficult for him to control anger, he is unpredictable, like rain in the offseason. It can be demolished with a powerful stream of aggression, then it’s sunny to apologize and promise that it was by accident or even the last time. And you believe that you didn’t shout out of malice, that you raised your hand, because you really are very worried. By the way, he can conflict not only with you, regularly getting into situations of physical collision: fights, scandals and conflicts. Sometimes it seems that he is specifically looking for them.
5 Emotional instability
He experiences serious mood swings - from melancholy, irritability and apathy to a paranoid desire to control you. Impulsiveness, passive-aggressive humor, gaslighting (devaluing your feelings and thoughts) - he has it all in his arsenal.
It is impossible to relax with him - every minute you need to monitor the situation and have retreat routes, sweet pies or a detailed report on your movements for the day ready.
6 Dependencies
The feeling of inner emptiness in him can be drowned out by addictions, with which you, as a wise and faithful girlfriend / wife, must unconditionally put up with. Did the wives of the Decembrists go into exile to fetch their husbands? We drove. And you are worse? You tolerate his gambling addiction, alcoholism, regular cheating, adrenaline feats, dangerous driving. That is, you engage in self-destructive behavior that helps him avoid boredom.
7 Growing self-dissatisfaction and exhaustion
Source: Asdrubal luna on Unsplash
You are dissatisfied with yourself, you believe that he is doing you a favor, tolerating your imperfection, that you yourself are to blame for what is happening to him. A feeling of impasse grows, depression develops, health deteriorates, self-esteem is rapidly falling, and the prospect of being alone scares you worse than death. As a result, you direct aggression at yourself. An inner voice mumbles: “You are a dull person, no one needs you, it’s good that he hasn’t left yet.”
You spend your energy trying to earn his approval, but they are becoming less and less, and you are sinking into despair. Friends disappear, interests become less and less.
8 Ultimatums and manipulation
Feeling your fear, he puts forward more and more new requirements and conditions on which he will remain with you anyway. Your personal and professional growth is a direct threat to him, because he loses control over you. And then the toxic partner puts you before the choice “either I, or your friends”, “either I, or this study of yours.” He seeks to make you jealous and reminds you every minute that you are about to lose him.
9 Lack of general plans
They cannot be planned and discussed. You cannot rely on his constancy (he leaves every minute). Relationships are built on bygone memories of stormy courtship at the beginning of a relationship, some grains. Yes, he brought you a bouquet to work on Valentine's Day. It was great, and no matter what, then he went to the former for pancakes. But you still reverently keep the rose from that bouquet on your dressing table.
This is one of the most common types of toxic relationships and is generally very difficult to avoid. We are all negative at some point in our lives, but what if we build all relationships on the negative? It's horrible! This relationship is a continuous circle of complaints, cancellations of plans, or just a clear state of negativity without trying to find positive sides. This is a relationship that can drain your soul and all your emotions.
2. Relationships with infidelity
A relationship where one of you or both of you are constantly cheating on each other and you don't think your partner can do the same? Any type of infidelity in a relationship makes it toxic to both, look both ways.
3. Controlling/Jealous Relationships
This is also a difficult type of relationship, opposite to the previous ones. This is where your every movement, every thought, every word is under vigilant control and judgment, and can cause an attack of jealousy in your partner. Have you ever been afraid to plan something with your friends because your partner might get angry? This type of relationship is very toxic, try to avoid it.
4. Blaming relationship
In these relationships, you or your partner is constantly to blame for something and you constantly blame each other for something. These relationships are toxic because they lack trust and understanding. Who needs them?
5. Too many requirements
What if there are too many demands, too many expectations, and too many concessions in a relationship? It doesn't sound very interesting to me, does it to you?
6. Excessive perfectionism
When you're in a relationship with someone and you realize that you can't take a step without being criticized by your partner because you're not perfect, that's one of the worst kinds of toxicity. Think about whether you need such a relationship.
7. Excessive insecurity in a relationship
If your relationship is a constant reassurance of your partner? If your partner consistently feels they are not good enough for you? Until you realize that this type of relationship is also toxic, it can drain you because it takes a lot of energy to reassure the person that they are already beautiful the way they are.
8. Competitive-manipulative relations
Finally, the last type of relationship that I want to talk about is everything related to competition and manipulation. None of these things (unless the competition is friendly) should be present in a relationship.
If you see signs of toxicity in a relationship from a partner, think about it. But it is even more important that you take a closer look at your behavior in relationships. It is always best to start correcting mistakes with yourself! I hope love wins)) Good luck to you, and if you have something to tell about your relationship or add, write!
He is not interested in where and by whom you work, what you do, how you like to spend your holidays. That is, you - as a person, as a person with some peculiarities, habits, hobbies - he does not need. He needs you as a function, not as a whole person.
Second sign
You are ready for the next step, but he is not. You have been dating for more than six months, but he does not offer to live together, although you would agree. Or you have been living together for a long time, and he does not offer to marry him, although you want to. Or you get married, but he does not want you to have children, although you dream of becoming a mother. It's a toxic relationship when your partner ignores your basic wants and needs. This does not mean that he is a bad person, he may well not want children, and so on, he has every right. It's just that from that moment on, your relationship became toxic - to you.
Third sign
He makes you jealous. Or remain friends, although it is obvious that you are in love.
The most important feature
These relationships do not bring you joy. On the contrary, you are tense all the time, it is difficult for you, you are uncomfortable. The young man called and then disappeared for a week. You write to him on social networks, send SMS - and he is silent. Then it appears, then disappears again. He doesn't introduce you to his friends. Or he generally comes to you only for sex, but not to the cinema, to take a walk or to a restaurant, he has other people for this. And it doesn’t matter at all for what reasons he behaves this way, it doesn’t matter. One thing is important: he does not think about what hurts you.
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But all this is not about him. All this is about you.
After all, it was you who ended up in a toxic relationship, for some reason you need them. The problem, as usual, comes from childhood: someone taught you that love is like this, with suffering and feelings. Our woman needs to feel sorry for herself. Suffer and feel sorry for yourself. After all, in fact, all this happens in her head. There she scrolls through scenarios for re-educating a man, or for conquering, or some other. And in them he is a scoundrel, and she is a saint. She plays for two in this relationship. Then such women will remember: I had True Love - for three years then I came to my senses. In their neurotic picture of the world, the quality of love, its depth, is determined by the amount of suffering suffered. In their head, happiness is with difficulty, with blood, with meat, a small piece of something good, torn from a tough fate, that still needs to be preserved and protected with great effort.
This crooked connection is formed: I suffer - I love. Love is suffering. And I feel sorry for myself, because I suffer. That's it, here he is - a ready-made neurotic.
Meanwhile, love is a surge of positive emotions, and nothing more. This is happiness, joy. There is no negative side in it, there is no sacrifice, there is no self-giving.
Note: at the very beginning of a relationship, a man behaves very well. He needs to please, and he tries. He behaves extremely tactfully, courteously, caring. But then, when he feels that she is behaving like a victim ... Now, if we return to the story with the call: he did not call her, although he promised. And she starts to write SMS, they say, what happened, where did you disappear to. And he feels it, she was not offended, she did not consider his act unacceptable. That is, it is possible with her. He ceases to appreciate her, he ceases to think of her as a woman with whom he wants to build a future. And this gives rise to a new round of suffering in her: to keep him. She feels his withdrawal, her self-esteem flies down, and she begins to think that she is not good enough, begins to try to please him even more. And everything goes on knurled.
Can this vicious circle be broken? Certainly. More precisely, you can not get into it. And this method is very simple: as soon as you feel that you don’t like how a man behaves, how he talks, how he treats you, you must realize this for yourself and admit it: it’s true. It didn’t seem to you, it shouldn’t be attributed to his fatigue or some other external circumstances. And second: you need to tell him that you do not like this behavior. Say once. If this happens again - that's it, the relationship must be broken off immediately. I ask you to pay attention to this: no repeated conversations. No “Well, I asked you!”. That’s all, if he didn’t understand from the first time that it’s impossible with you, or, more likely, didn’t consider it necessary to pay attention to your words, this relationship will never be comfortable for you. They will be toxic. It does not matter if you take the position of a victim in them or the position of a mother who decided to re-educate the boy and teach him good manners.
It's simple: there is it, such as it is. And there you are, just the way you are. You either feel good together, or you need to break up. Better yet, before you took out a mortgage and had three kids.
Toxic relationship is any relationship that is unfavorable for you or others. The foundation of any relationship is mutual respect, but relationships can become unhealthy over time. The difference between a simply bad or unpleasant relationship and a toxic one is the toxic atmosphere. Toxic relationships always prevent the people involved from living productive and healthy lives.
Such relationships can be caused by two polar opposite personality types, incompatibility of the persons involved in the relationship. Sometimes you shouldn't blame a relationship for being toxic; rather, toxicity is caused by a failure to communicate and a failure to establish healthy boundaries.
Not all toxic relationships are caused by two unhealthy people. This tango does not always involve two people. In some cases, unhealthy individuals target and prey on other healthy individuals in order to satisfy their own personal needs. A person who hunts seeks to deprive others emotionally and psychologically by removing everything that might be an obstacle to the fulfillment of his goals. Such people have a manipulative style and freely maneuver in any relationship that they perceive as quite useful to themselves.
People who are toxic are rarely aware of their own toxicity. They are too preoccupied and preoccupied with their own emotions, interests, needs and goals to be aware of the needs, goals, interests and emotions of others.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
They:- Unfavorable - do not have emotional support;
- Unhealthy - such relationships are not balanced, they lack moral, ethical or positive principles;
- Harmful - the harm lies in the fact that they are not just unpleasant to be near such a partner, they are poisonous, which leads to emotional, psychological and possibly even physical death;
- Dangerous - not conducive to life and most often based on risky behavior, emotions and questionable results;
- Poisonous - toxic to all involved. The poison turns out to be extremely painful for everyone who touches this relationship;
- Deadly – Unfortunately, toxic relationships can be dangerous to your health. They are aimed at the destruction of the "I";
- Harmful – Toxic personality types are often immoral and unwilling to acknowledge the needs or well-being of others.
Psychopaths and other toxic personalities
Psychopaths are people who suffer from a chronic psychological disorder. The personality of a psychopath is often impulsive, imposing, extravagant, flamboyant, brilliant, and even chic. Such people rarely know how they affect others. It is not uncommon for psychopaths to have overly inflated self-esteem and unrealistic expectations of others. Psychopaths often display superficial, grandiose, deceitful, selfish, conceited, and selfish behavioral styles. In most cases, psychopaths are narcissists, displaying antisocial behavior.Psychopaths rarely communicate with their feelings, emotions, and psychological needs. These are people who lack understanding of themselves, empathy for themselves and, accordingly, others. The psychopath rarely admits when he is wrong and almost never takes personal responsibility. They crave the admiration, attention, and acceptance of others, but will never satisfy others' need for approval. It is very important that psychopaths receive psychotherapy and treatment for their mental conditions. I watched a picture of how the purest psychopath for three years of serious work on himself turned into an adequate and pleasant person. It's possible!
It's also important to remember that psychopaths also deserve to be friends with, loved, and admired. If a psychopathic person receives psychotherapy, he becomes able to gain control over his destructive behavior and this allows him to lead a healthy and positive life.
There are many warning signs that may indicate that you have entered into a toxic relationship. Below are a few questions, authored by Dr. Asa Don Brown
Are you in a toxic relationship?
- How do you feel around this person?
- Do you feel safe in the presence of this person?
- Do you think your children, partners or others are safe?
- Have you ever experienced emotional or psychological stress while interacting with this person?
- Do you feel that you are wary of this person?
- Is the person a manipulator?
- Have you ever noticed that this person can violate moral, ethical or legal standards?
- Have you ever noticed that a person adds unnecessary problems to your life that were not there without him?
- Do you feel emotionally drained after interacting with this person?
Any healthy relationship involves work, discipline, motivation, purpose, intent, and desire. If relationships were healthy in the past, it is possible to bring them back to a healthy, happy and prosperous state. If the relationship has never developed in a healthy atmosphere, it may not be possible to achieve a favorable climate in the future. It is important to recognize that therapy will take time and will require patience, understanding, compassion, empathy and caring from both you and your partner. If you expect to turn around a dysfunctional relationship through a fast track approach, the chances of achieving your goal will be negligible.
A toxic person may have a serious psychological problem, such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder, but this does not mean that their behavior is justified. Like the rest of us, toxic people need to be held accountable for their behavior and attitudes.
