Humorous stories from people's lives to read. Funny real free life stories are a great reason to laugh

We were here at the Darwin Museum. It's about evolution. The museum is excellent, but now is not about that. There is a hall where the emergence of man is shown. And we went into it from the wrong side and immediately saw a showcase where a modern person (figure) is. He is presented in the kitchen, in clothes, sitting at the table and for some reason there is a pack of cigarettes in front of him. I think it's stupid, but again, that's not the point. Next to us were a mother with a daughter of about ten years old. The girl saw cigarettes and asks: “What are cigarettes for?” The mother replies melancholy that, probably, one could not have done it, but this is typical of today. Then we all move on to the showcases where the ancient people are. The girl looks at the Neanderthal and cries out: “How scary he is!”

My friend grew up as a frail, skinny and sickly boy, colds, pneumonia, allergies, beginning asthma. When it came time to enlist in the army, naturally, they didn’t take him to combat units, but sent him to troops with “facilitated passage conditions”. Stroybat. Kind commanders treated him in the form of laying pipelines in the Belarusian swamps, winter trips in the back and other pleasures. Now this bull, under 2 meters tall and 100 kg in weight, has not remembered what illnesses are for 20 years.

I'm standing at the crossroads (I'm standing with my feet!), I decided to call my wife. I'm dialing. Out of the corner of my eye I see how a young woman nearby rang the phone and she put it to her ear. Wife is out of reach. I lower my hand. At the same time, the call from the blonde is cut off. So she turns to me with the words: - Man! You just called me...

It was in the late nineties, when computers had not yet decorated (or disfigured) almost every home. We then worked with a friend in trade - we sold books from the tray. We sit, the end of the day, there are no buyers, we miss. Sashka leafs through some expensive autobiography in a glossy cover, from idleness she began to read it. Ten minutes later he says indignantly:

Estimate, the guy dropped out of Harvard and took up programming! If I were his parents, I would have killed him!

I take a book from her, look at the author's name and surname and carefully ask:

Sasha, do you know who Bill Gates is?

According to my friend. He studies at one Minsk university. The end of the semester, but there is no test in physical education, and where does it come from when they haven’t been in more than one lesson. They decided with a classmate to bring the teacher a present in the form of a bottle of vodka (or two, I don’t remember exactly).

Well, they come to him, they say, they would get a credit, but anyway we are malicious non-visitors. He told them - no offsets. They give him a bag, but he refuses - he says, I don’t take bribes. Somehow they persuaded him, he took the notes. And he says, put vodka in the closet. They open the closet, and there are already thirty bottles there. And what sport can we talk about after that?

We have a guy at work. I will call him Mikhalych for disguise, and this name suits him for years. So this Mikhalych is a big drinker, in the sense of not getting drunk like a pig, but stable, little by little all day. But, the most important thing is that all day and every day. To do this, he also has a flask, which he constantly replenishes and from where he sips with the same constancy. Well, and if at work, "corporate party", then he is her first regular. So it was before the first of May. We gathered as a strong team to celebrate this event. Mikhalych is immediately, as always, already on edge and with a glass. They clapped one at a time, his cell phone rang, a message came. He read it and began to groan, gasp and lament, well, we are to him, they say, what and how? His exposition:

I gave my granddaughter a mobile phone for his birthday. I have him in the second grade, but smart, just horror. I dealt with my pipe for six months, and he mastered it in two days, although his model is more abrupt. Everyone knows and understands. And now look what he writes to me: "Grandfather stop drinking, go home!". That's how he knows that I'm drinking, maybe he's also a telepath?!

The employee said. Morning. It's not that early, but it's still morning ... The minibus is right and fast enough to take her to work. In the same minibus, a mother is taking a five-year-old child to a kindergarten. The kid became capricious and made noise all over the minibus ... Mom, to calm him down, says - "I'll give you either an apple, or a cookie, or a candy, if you shut up. What do you choose?" To which the kid quite seriously answers - "I choose safe sex."

Katya's friend said. Stays at home. Phone ring. Picks up the phone: - Hello. From the tube: - Ugh! - and short beeps. Katya is confused. Call in half a minute. Picks up the phone: - Hello. There: - Damn it!!! - and beeps. Katya is in complete confusion. Call in half a minute. Picks up the phone: - Hello? From the tube the voice of her girlfriend:

Fuck you damn!!! Katya, count up, I want to call somewhere, but for the third time on autopilot I dial your number!

A friend told me about her dog of the dwarf pinscher breed (daughter brought it from somewhere - now parents are toiling with this misunderstanding). So. She walks down the street somehow - and winter, frost, the dog freezes, whines and asks for hands. Well, what to do - she took and put the dog under a fur coat in her bosom. Outside and it is imperceptible that there is anything at all.

He goes further, and a huge dog is moving towards him - either a St. Bernard, or a Moscow watchdog. And, as soon as the acquaintance with this dog caught up, her pot-bellied little thing sticks its muzzle out of a fur coat and deafeningly yelps at the oncoming dog!

While he was shaking his head in confusion, trying to figure out who dared to be so impudent, the acquaintance gave the pinscher in the face, wrapped her fur coat and quickly ran forward, promising then to punish someone severely for the provocation.

Literally, to the last comma, I quote from the website of the Ministry of Education of the Russian Federation. The question that, among other things, students must answer in the process of passing the test in the subject of "sociology":

"Being present at the concert of the satirist M. Zadornov, a person is a member ...

Audiences

Aggregations

social circle"

I went to my sister's for tea the other day and found two of her girlfriends there. They sat in front of the TV and drank tea with livers. After searching for the right channel, the sister gets to the beginning of the film "Troy", and then one girlfriend gives out:

Oh, Brad Pitt, he's playing a dude here, well, this, whatever it is, well, he still has an Achilles heel!

I live in Kursk, about 30 years ago I heard such a story from a familiar taxi driver ...

I go up from the Central Market to Red Square and see the following picture: a huge man of about 30 years old is flying at me from the mountain (there is a slope of 30 degrees), maneuvering among passers-by, and behind him, holding his cap on his head, an angry traffic cop and this couple quickly disappears out of sight in the crowd ... Later, quite by accident, from fellow taxi drivers, my friend learned the background of this race and told me: it turns out that the aforementioned 30-year-old comrade, chewing candy, crossed Red Square in the wrong place and to the proposal of the one who appeared as from under the ground, a traffic police officer took out a paper ruble from his pocket to pay a fine. He spat on it and stuck it to the traffic police officer's forehead with a swing, after which, as they say, "made his legs." The resentment of the law enforcement officer only intensified when the treasury ticket unstuck from the forehead turned out to be actually a candy wrapper, which the conscious pedestrian did not dare to throw in the city center on the street and put it in his pocket. And the chase began...

It happened during the time of the struggle against drunkenness, probably 85-86. On New Year's Eve, the F/F dormitory held a big raid, looking for vodka drinkers. For this reason, everyone somehow tried to hide it. And now imagine a picture: a DND breaks into the room: the celebrants are sitting around the table, on the table there is a large samovar, cakes, etc., in front of each is a tea cup with a saucer, something is poured in the cup, and pickles are on the saucer. Painting...

9-year-old son decided to go on a diet - limit flour and sweets. He held on all day, ate soup, the second. At night, the lights were turned off and my husband and I went to bed, suddenly there was a wild roar in the kitchen, we jumped up, turned on the light ... There was a son, a dumpling in one hand, a roll in the other. I'm asking:

And how to understand it?!

Son sadly replies:

To understand and to forgive...

It was about 15 years ago. Then Lada it was quite a car and many drove them. In the garage where my father had a "parking place", one of the local ladies put her swallow-cherry nine at night. Once, when my father and I were just walking to our boxing, the lady was already getting into the car and driving off. I noticed that the rear right door of her fret was not closed at all - apparently she put something in and forgot that no one would close it for her. The most interesting thing happened at the gates of the garage complex. The door slammed shut with a very loud thud, hitting the goal post. A woman with big eyes jumped out of the car and began to inspect it, but found absolutely nothing. The door handle hit the beam, and therefore the paint was not damaged. I'm sure Madame didn't even understand "what happened." The hostess, with bewilderment on her face, got back behind the wheel and drove off. I wonder if she drove into a car service, complaining about very strong pops from behind?

On the repeatedly Red Banner Baltic Fleet, according to the instructions, it was supposed to moor like this: the command "small back" is given and the ship slowly approaches. So mooring for a self-respecting captain was considered "sink". The combat captain moored like this: the command was given "full astern", then, slightly short of the berth, "full forward" to reduce speed, and "stop the car". The ship stopped, covered in foam and under the admiring glances of the fans. At the same time, a midshipman always stood at the stern, who counted the distance to the coast and shouted it to the captain. One day, one guard started to slow down too late. Midshipman's monologue:

Seventy meters. Forty meters. Twenty meters. Ten meters. Hana! The sea is over.

I accidentally spilled tea in a cafe where I have been dining for a year. I doused myself, soaked the electronic book, with napkins, which means I wipe it. The waitress saw, worried..

Andrey! Can you give me a towel to dry the book?

Thank you! Let's! But I'm not Andrew.

We do not care! We call you Andrew...

Wife says:

I think it will be very cold in winter. It is necessary for my son (1.5 years old) to buy paints, finger paints.

I looked at her for a minute, thinking all the jokes about blondes are about my wife.

I ask:

Olya, cold winter and paints for my son - WHERE IS THE COMMUNICATION ???

For the especially gifted: the winter will be cold, we will not walk much, we will buy paints so that the child has something to do at home.

Can't find an answer...

I ran into this problem: I decided to pour carburetor cleaner into the gas tank. And when it was poured, a retaining ring fell from the neck of the vial into the tank. It's plastic, probably gasoline will corrode it !!! At first I tried to get it with a bicycle spoke, but it turned out to be short and I accidentally dropped it into the tank. Then he tried to get the knitting needle with a magnet: he took a larger magnet and lowered it into the necks of the BB. But he did not think and the magnet stuck to the wall of the tank from the inside. He began to pull, and the twine got wet and frayed on the edge of the magnet. In short, he also stayed with the gas tank, to at least pull out the magnet, I took the biggest wrench that I could get through the neck, in the hope that he would pick up the magnet. And he took a thick rope. But it turned out to be synthetic, and while I was catching a magnet, gasoline corroded it.

So now in the gas tank are a ring, a magnet, a knitting needle and a wrench. Please tell me how to get it out of there. I'm afraid to climb again. Can you drive like this?

Year commercials in 1989, two students of the Moscow Institute of Oil and Gas (MIHG) them. THEM. Gubkin (now the State Academy of Oil and Gas named after the aforementioned comrade) decided to play a joke on April 1 on their brothers. It took place in a hostel on the street. Butlerov (or maybe Volgin) in the late evening.

Were found:

one ax

One board 5 cm thick.

One sweater

Some amount of arterial blood color gouache.

The first student ties the board to his back and puts a sweater on top.

The second student thrusts an ax into the board through the sweater. The place of planting is abundantly doused with gouache.

The first student gallops to the elevators and lays down on his stomach.

After some time, the doors of the arrived elevator open, a heart-rending female squeal is heard, the elevator doors close, the elevator leaves (as it turned out later, on the first floor, call the police station on the topic "So who killed Uncle Fima?").

The first student, delighted with the effect produced, gets up from the floor and moves to the floor above and takes the starting position. History repeats itself, only instead of screeching, full-fledged Russian expressions are heard. The one who uttered them is also sent to call the police station.

At this time, the police, stunned by the first call, and even more stunned by the second, rushed to the hostel, where an excited crowd vied with each other yelling:

On the seventh floor, a guy with an ax in his back!!!

No, on the twelfth!!!

What a twelfth! On the fifth!

Having not figured out whether the entire hostel is littered with corpses, or there is only one corpse, but how that horse from the joke is dragged along the floors, the police make a Solomonic decision: start from the top, from the 15th floor, and go down.

The moment of opening the doors of the elevator with the police coincided with the moment of "installation of the corpse" at these very doors ...

The final. The corpse earned a couple of bruises from a police baton and an order to be expelled from the institute. His accomplice got off lighter - only a severe reprimand with an introduction.

The niece of the wife, a lively girl of three years, recently pleased once again ...

She was invited to a friend's birthday party, where a group of "animators" were invited. During the performances, the children were given “bags of goodness” and explained how to use them: after each good deed done, put a pea in the bag ... The girl returned home, her mother, pointing to the bag, was interested: “Oh, what is it ? The daughter replies rudely (literally): “Throw out this nonsense!”

Quite a few years ago, I worked in a company engaged in the implementation of accounting programs at enterprises. At that time, computerization had not yet had time to advance as widely as it does now, and computers were new to many ordinary workers in these enterprises. This time, one food plant became our client. We installed and configured the server, as well as several computers, of course connected everything to the network, installed the necessary software on the computers and, first of all, accounting software. It cost them a lot then, which the chief accountant told us with displeasure. What was our surprise when, just a couple of weeks later, this same accountant calls us and literally crumbles in gratitude:

Oh, your system is so good, so good, thank you very much!

Please, we answer. - We are glad that our software helped you save money.

What a help! Our workers now think that computers take everything into account, literally every crumb. Now they are afraid to take out a piece of bread. We have already paid for your entire system only by saving on products! ..

Watermelon collapse. An elderly woman approaches the laid out watermelons and begins to choose. To do this, an ear is applied to the watermelon, and then a fist is knocked on it. All this is being watched by the owner of the watermelons. On the sixth watermelon, he can’t stand it, he goes up to the woman and says: “Don’t knock, the watermelon is fresh, there’s no one there.”

The perfect crime... Attackers in Warwick, Rhode Island, glued a note to the automatic night collection point through which the local bank handed over the night's proceeds, saying that the machine was out of order, and offered to drop the money into a box placed nearby. The swindlers who collected several thousand dollars overnight were never found.

To really enjoy this story, you have to imagine Rinatik. Former wrestler, naked (shaved) skull, height under 1.90, neck merges with the back, and, of course, a Tatar. And the eyes are very kind. Rinatik, for all his positions, has a lot of children in his character. For example, if he sees a rope somewhere, he will definitely pull it. Well, you need to find out why it is hanging here and what will happen if you pull on it.

Now ambulance. Rinatik and I went to a restaurant. Very good restaurant, the staff is well trained to the point of impossibility. That is, a towel through the handle, "whatever you want", etc.

Well, after eating and drinking, we head to the cloakroom when the restaurant was already closing. And there, as a detail of the interior, hangs a ship's bell, or, in a sailor's way, RYNDA. And once it hangs, it is necessary to hit it, of course.

But Rinatik, as I have already reported, is a kind and delicate fellow, he cannot hit the rynda without permission. And so he turns to the waiter running past:

Listen, can I hit RYNDA?

The waiter makes a mournful face and answers without hesitation:

Yes, in principle, it is possible, why not. I just have to work tomorrow...

That is, if tomorrow it were not for his shift, he was ready to receive at RYNDA ("any whim for your money").

With Nastya (4.5 years old) we practice on the floor (sculpt, draw), I say "It's hard for me to squat", she "Well, if you want, you can sit on the twine!".

Somewhere in the eighties, an order for a new helmet was received by some research institute. And in the order - the requirement that the helmet held a shot from the SVD.

The engineers scratched their heads and issued a miracle helmet, now known as the "sphere" based on titanium alloys and with a frontal armor thickness of about 6 mm.

They began to test: they shot from the SVD either at a mannequin in a helmet, or at a person sentenced to death, or at something else.

The result - a helmet, at least henna, and the head flew off ...

In the old days, the guys and I used to bully the old women and housewives who sat in the yard. We recorded the sound of the beginning of the series "Santa Barbara". After that, the women jumped up and down, throwing everything in the world and rushed home so as not to miss their favorite series!

There lived a sailor. Since he was single, his friends gave him two hamsters. Soon it was necessary to go on a flight and the peasant took care of attaching hamsters to acquaintances, they flatly. He, a kind soul, thought for a long time and decided to leave them at home. He made a nest for them out of newspapers, bought food and ingenious feeders, drinkers, left the tap in the bathroom dripping, just in case, a teaspoon per hour, put boards so that they climbed there ... It seemed that he had thought through everything to the smallest detail ... Not all ! He returns after 8 months, opens the door - everything wooden and paper in the apartment - into dust, and hundreds of one and a half or two joyful hamsters of different sizes rush towards him ...

They call the system administrator from one office, they say, nothing works here, 1C does not work, there is no network, there is no Internet, in general, there is nothing ... The admin arrives, looks at the server, and asks:
- The server was here, where is it?
Those:
- Which server?
Admin:
- Here was the server, where is it?
Those:
- Oh, so there was a computer here, no one worked behind it, well, we gave it to an orphanage ...

Went to take out the trash. I think I'll smoke. A neighbor comes out, silently lights a cigarette, we stood with him in complete silence, he throws a cigarette butt and says: "This is such garbage, Andryukha!"

In Kyiv, on the corner of Verkhniy Val and Mezhyhirska streets, there is an EPOS company that recovers data from hard drives, flash drives, floppy disks, etc. And nearby, behind the fence, is the Podolsk regional police department.
Law enforcement officers shamelessly and free of charge used the computer brains and hands of the company's specialists, and the company considered the regional department to be its "roof" from all the troubles that await businessmen in this god-offended country.
On a December afternoon in 2001, a police chief with big stars on shoulder straps entered the office of the head of EPOS. He brought a hard drive and asked to restore secret service documents from a damaged disk. He even demanded a non-disclosure agreement from the director.
All the information was recovered - 50 gigabytes of porn movies, 10 gigabytes of the same pictures, 3 gigabytes of music, mostly chanson, and a ONE and ONLY text file - a job application form.

I love my girlfriend. I texted her - baked pies, come and have a cup of tea ... And she answered - I can’t, I’m driving tomorrow! .. Iron logic!

An interesting story happened:
Having recently inherited 2 apartments located nearby (combined earlier by parents) on the fifth floor, I laid eyes on the third, the last one on the stairwell. A few years later, I still bought it, it was not without loans, but that's not the point. The whole fifth floor is mine - a pleasant feeling.
One Friday evening, there is a knock on the door: I open it, three aunts stand with some literature and ask if I believe, I would like to listen to a certain text. In general, I culturally send them and close the door.
After a while, there is a knock on the second door. And then I realized what was going on. With a stone face, as if for the first time, I open it - the aunts look at each other, are lost in words, begin to look around and cross themselves. I tersely send them culturally to the same place, and run to the third door, dying of laughter.
Well, what do you think? After a while they knock!! For some reason, they knock :) I open it, I wanted to joke, and they, having thrown their waste paper, run down the stairs with a squeal, stuttering about something unclean, etc.
Now I'm waiting for postmen, scribes, and some other figures. My wife and I wanted to remove the door, now let's wait :))))))

My girlfriend has a cousin, Vasya, who is quite small. Once Vasya's mother in kindergarten was approached by the mother of one of the girls from his group:
- My daughter peed because of your son!
- How could your daughter peed because of my son?!
- She saw him pissing standing up and decided to try it too!

It was just a good mood. I walk around the office and sing: "Thirty-three cows, thirty-three cows ...".
And I'm the only man in the group. The remaining 20 are women. I realized my mistake, but it was too late. Offended...

One day we went as a family to visit relatives. Everyone went into the entrance, and my mother lingered in the car. By the way, before that we were with them once.
So, going up the stairs, she mixed up the floor and opened the door of complete strangers (for some reason, the door was not locked).
She went...
I took off my shoes...
I went to the kitchen (the layout is exactly the same) AND RUNNED THERE WITH THE WORDS: "Oh, oh, it smells like fried potatoes!"
Silent pause.
To say that the diners were stunned would be an understatement!

This morning, on the Russia TV channel, the presenter in a cheerful voice talked about all sorts of interesting events in the life of the country (such as an exhibition there, a presentation there, a show there) and here, without changing her bravura tone, she gives out the phrase:
- And soon many of our compatriots will be able to try the soldier's menu.
I just thought that again some kind of patriotic show was muddied, and she continues:
- This year, more than 150,000 young Russians are subject to conscription.

Today I'm reading a news report: "Dmitry Medvedev held meetings on labor protection in the chat," I re-read it, and it turns out I'm in Chita. Well, he is quite capable.

My wife and husband came to the supermarket. He stayed in the car while she went to get groceries. She didn't have enough money at the checkout. She leaves the store, and a gypsy woman is already standing by the car and asks her husband for money for bread through the window. The wife pushes her away with her shoulder: -
Move over! You can't do anything! Learn!
Puts his hand in the window:
- Give five hundred rubles!
The husband, of course, holds out a bill. Imagine the eyes of a gypsy...

Now it was a spectacle! The security guard called me to talk to "some workers". Two men are looking for a 6kV cable break, which turns out to be underground from the end of the office, right under the extension leading to the basement. But HOW do they "search" !!! They have a wooden stick about 1.6m long, they put it on the asphalt, and put the other end to their ear and listen. I was even taken aback at first what kind of shamans they were.
It turns out that high-voltage discharges are fed into the cable from the substation and microexplosions are obtained at the place of the break. These are the sounds of these microexplosions they listen to. stick. 21 century. The guys are certainly great, unique, the accuracy of determining the cliff is 20-30 cm, but still I sit in prostration ...

A few days ago, while walking my dachshund in the park, I saw a cool picture. About four meters from the path, someone took out and left a cardboard box with rags. I don’t know why and why, but the squirrel noticed the rags from this box, and quickly began to drag it, apparently, to her house. Run once, run twice, run three...
But then a little man with a stroller appears on the horizon, who, looking around with a predatory look, assessed what to profit from ... At this time, our worker, grabbing another shred, rushed to the house. The man, having approached the box, examined it, but, apparently, decided not to gut it in a public place, but simply put it on a stroller, and slowly shoveled further.
The squirrel returned, and did not see its box, looked around and noticed a man leaving with a stroller, on which was the same box. Having issued an incomprehensible cry, or a squeak, or something else, the squirrel rushed after the peasant, caught up, jumped onto the box, without stopping squealing something in his squirrel tongue. The man looked around and saw a screeching squirrel. The game of staring continued for about a minute. I don’t know whether the man was fluent in the squirrel language, or he simply guessed that he had not taken his own, but, smiling, he removed the box from the stroller and set it aside from the path, and he himself moved on about his business. The squirrel instantly grabbed some rag from the box and immediately rushed away, apparently to finish building his house.

Our daughter is 2.5 years old. Looks almost like an angel. Unfortunately, he often gets sick - therefore, the algorithm of actions during illness has been worked out by us to automaticity. At night, when the child coughed again, the wife first tries to quickly lull her so that she sleeps further. If this does not help, my task, as a dad, is to take the child in my arms to walk around the apartment until she calms down and falls asleep.
But in the morning, the reflexes are not the same, and therefore, when at 4 in the morning the daughter coughed again, the wife reacted belatedly and went to the crib to find a completely woken up offended child who, frowning at her mother, said:
- What are you staring at? Call dad, we will download.

My grandmother is a funny user - she learned to use the Internet (well, what do they need ... all sorts of recipes, herbs, etc.), but she didn’t understand what it was. So, the other day I took her laptop from the village to clean it. She gave out a phrase from which I am still in a stupor:
- You, - he says, - granddaughters, just don’t sit in your city through it on the Internet, otherwise your Internet is dirty, there are so many viruses ... not like we have in the village ... Good, clean, so FRESH ...

I am going on a full bus. Nearby is a tall, handsome guy of about 19 years old. Suddenly his phone rang. He picks up the phone (it would be better if he didn’t do this!) and says: “Great, I’m on the bus, my phone is covered, so I turned on the speakerphone. And then a male voice is heard from the speakers throughout the salon: "ahem ... Hello everyone! My name is Max, and this is my friend - Lech! A girl hasn't given him for six months, because he's a dick!". The whole bus just lay in a frenzy! The guy almost died of embarrassment.

Before issuing a driver's license, the traffic police for some reason requested a certificate from my wife that she was not pregnant. Well, it’s not customary to argue with the traffic police, and it’s useless. The wife went to the clinic and returned from there with a certificate. I read: “Citizen such and such (name, passport, series, number, issued then) is not pregnant. And further: “The certificate is valid for 3 years.” And you say contraceptives.

This morning I heard on TV, a feng shui expert said: "If you know where everything is in your mess, then this is no longer a mess, but your personal order." League of Leni, feng shui with us!

We then lived near the forest. One fine and quite ordinary morning, our neighbor Galina, as usual, went to work. It was unusual that on the way she found a frozen squirrel on the ground (later we never found out for what purpose she picked it up. Maybe on a stuffed animal, maybe on a collar, or on the principle "everything will do in the household"). In general, she took the squirrel home, and she left for work. By that time, the son was already at school, and the husband was returning from a business trip that day.

A couple of hours later, the head looks into the department and tells us that Galkin's husband is calling with some strange questions, saying that everything is in order with his wife, have we noticed anything strange and asks to urgently send her home.

In general, that squirrel turned out to be by no means dead, but very much alive. She warmed up in the apartment and decided that she was the mistress here. And our Galya, to her misfortune, baked pancakes in the morning and left a note to her husband. The squirrel hung those pancakes all over the apartment to dry. I especially got carried away in the corridor on elk horns. Well, when the door to the apartment began to open, she hid.

Now imagine the state of your husband: he was not at home for a week, he comes in, and there ... PANCAKES EVERYWHERE and a note "Darling, this is for you!"

Laughter is a tickling that creates a good mood and specific sounds, similar to a horse's neighing ...

Met witch

I'm on my way to the subway. Surprisingly, there were not many people in the car. But one person attracted me. I mean, he even got bored of me! Everyone looks at me and looks, looks and looks, looks and looks…. And obviously not with loving eyes! I was about to leave... She glanced casually at his hands. They were holding a book called How to Recognize a Witch? I laughed for a long time as I got off the subway. Do I really look like a witch?

naive grandmother

My parents went on holiday to Italy. They left for a long time. For a whole month! Dacha was left to me. How glad I was! Everything would be fine…. But my grandmother came. I so suspect that my parents “rigged” it so that she looked after me. I was upset at first that my freedom had come to an end. But then she calmed down. I called my boyfriend and offered to come to my place for the night. Naturally, we went to bed. It was so good that we couldn't control ourselves. I moaned in pleasure. Loud! And I completely forgot that my grandmother came. I don’t know how much time has passed, but then my beloved grandmother burst in. She screamed in fright: “Granddaughter, what is the matter with you? Does he offend you?"

Tesky

My girlfriend was constantly unlucky with young people. And I wanted to be lucky! I told her to ask for help, if anything. Olya took advantage of my kindness. I called one evening and asked: "can you give your brother's phone number?". I thought for a long time why she wanted it, but I gave it. Then I found out that his help was needed more than mine. She promised that she would tell everything if nothing “burned out”. It turns out that the girlfriend's plan was this: my brother will be her brother for a while so that she behaves a little more confidently. The guy was supposed to visit her! Now I'll tell you about everything in order. My brother Vitka came to her. She asked to change into home clothes so that everything was more "natural". She said: “This guy's name is Cyril. When you come, you open it, say hello and “sweep away” into the kitchen.” The brother agreed. While the waiting time ran its course…. He was drinking raspberry tea. The door rang. He opened it and asked: “Your name is Cyril? Are you with Olya? He nodded positively. The brother ran to the kitchen, adding that Olya was waiting for him. A second later, Vitek heard a long whisper, and then a whisper and laughter. It turned out that it was not the guy who came, but her dad, whose name (thanks to coincidence) was exactly the same.

Salto - malto

We went to nature to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday. Everyone gathered. The girl's dog named Alina also came. She never parted with her. It was more fun with her. Serega (Alina's brother) got pretty drunk and started walking with Rada (the dog). He walked in such a way that he made a “somersault”, clinging to the leash. It looked so natural that you could go crazy with laughter! We often remember this story. But Seryozha no longer wants it to repeat itself in reality!

Women's lotion

My husband and I came to the 24-hour supermarket to buy some groceries. I needed tampons, and I went to them first. The husband followed. See what dialogue we have as a result:

What is this? Petka asked.

Tampons! I replied outrageously.

- Why do you need them? asked the beloved (with a smile on his face).

- Don't you know what tampons are for?

- I know. I just thought it was gum (and you're kidding). Chewing gum we have - a full machine!

legless biped

This case was in traumatology. Unfortunately, I managed to visit there. In general, I lie there, I miss .... The only thing that added variety to the "ward boredom" was a cockroach. We all called him Cornflower. He settled on the windowsill and we watched him. We treated him, laying out paths from cookies. Training cockroaches, as I understand it, is quite a funny thing. I don’t know what the training would have led to, but it quickly ended. A very drunk peasant was brought to our ward (by mistake) with two broken legs. When the girl who was lying in the next bed noticed the glance of the head physician at the cockroach (who brought a new "guest") .... She shouted very loudly: "Cornflower, run!". And the man who was brought in got up and left our room. And there was no need to explain that he was brought here by accident. And our cockroach ran away. Nobody saw him again.

Mom - "Goodbye"

A friend told me the story. She waited for the day when she had to take her Artem to kindergarten. She took him there by car, as it would be painful to do this in transport. Arrived normally, without incident.

Valya (my friend) took her son to the teacher. She told (in detail) what to do, how to behave, what to remember. The boy listened to everything attentively, did not interrupt and remembered.

Then the teacher took him by the hand and led him to the lockers. She asked me to choose one of them. Artyomochka walked beside them, walked…. He stopped in front of the largest one (as it seemed to him), opened it, climbed onto the shelf and shouted (closing): “Mom, goodbye!”.

crooked reflection

I am fifteen years old and my sister is seventeen. But the story is not about that! My little sister does not “take her eyes off” the mirror when she is going somewhere. If only you knew how tired I am of these traffic jams! I really wanted the approach to the mirror to be free. I went to one of the shops. I found, in short, a cool “nonsense” that needs to be pasted on a mirror and then it distorts the image (any). Sister comes to the mirror .... Imagine how she feels when she sees her twisted "image"! She was frightened, screamed and crossed herself. She doesn't fit that mirror anymore. Of course, I did not do well to my sister, but she forgave me a long time ago.

In conclusion: another funny story

Angry moth

I bought myself a beautiful thing. Everyone loved it, not just me. I bought it and hung it in my closet. Three days later, a moth chewed it. Upset. I bought a new item. A week later, and from it there were only "chunks". My husband gave me money for the third and fourth thing. The same thing happened to these things. And then I had a nervous breakdown! The husband was very drunk. While I went (very sad) to warm up dinner for him, my husband disappeared somewhere. I was sure that he did not even leave the house to smoke! I was looking for him, I was looking for .... Finally, I looked into the locker. And he sits there, quietly hiding in a corner, and says: “I will take revenge on this creature!”.

Continuation. . .

It's just hee, hee ... -

Do not miss -

I go to the accounting department to sign a paper. Women's team. The ladies are all intelligent: you will never hear a bad word, they do not accept obscene anecdotes, thoughts are about lofty matters.
Five people available. One is writing, the other is doing a crossword puzzle, two are talking about something. Fifth is talking on the phone. Judging by her conversation, she is chatting with her husband, who is slightly ill and complains about his health.
After carefully listening to the sick man, the wife decided to calm him down:
- Don't be sad, honey. It’s better to put the #BALLNICHEK in the window and admire the beauty around: the sun is shining, the birds are singing...
I just freaked out. And, having signed the paper, he quickly dumped.

From the life of Belarusian bankers:
They sent a payment in Russian rubles through the SBRF to Privatbank - in the details of the payment it was written "for rubble" ... an MT195 request comes from Privat "we cannot identify the subject of payment" and a copy of MT100 from the SBRF is attached to it ...
I look, and there the letter "u" disappeared :)
I also could not identify the subject of payment :)

It happened in the evening on the Arkhangelsk-Moscow train in the vestibule in front of the dining car.
I went there for cigarettes. I went into the vestibule and saw three rather tipsy officers who incredibly wanted to continue the banquet and were indignant at the fact that the doors of the restaurant were closed. And they knocked on the door very delicately.
I assumed that the restaurant really could not stop working at such a time, and opened another door, which is in such a vestibule and which was not closed. It leads directly to the kitchen. I told the bartenders that the front door did not open. They quickly opened it from the inside.
The officers looked at each other in surprise, and one of them said in a slurring tongue: "But still, civilians are smarter! .."

Quarreled with her husband, sent to sleep on the sofa ...
I think I'll take him a pillow at least...
I'm sneaking... I leaned over him to slip him quietly, and he wakes up and how he yells: "SORRY... SORRY... JUST NOT SOUL!!!"

I work in a very solid state office (it will become clear which one later).
I sit in the big boss's waiting room, and one of my rather numerous responsibilities is answering the phone. There are 7 phones next to me, so I have no time to be bored. From time to time funny bells amuse me.
Here is one of them.
Trim-tryam (landline phone rings). I pick up the phone:
- Reception of such and such, good afternoon!
At the other end of the wire, an excited, but not devoid of solemnity, female voice literally says the following:
- Our girl is ready! But we thought about it and decided, we don’t need to go for her, we’ll bring her ourselves now, but where should we go?
I'm falling into a stupor...
- So ..., I'm trying to figure out - what other girl?
All sorts of bad thoughts are roaming in my head ... I squint timidly at the door of the boss, but somehow I still feel embarrassed to clarify with him about the finished girl. A brilliant idea comes to mind - to clarify with a woman.
- Uh-uh, sorry, what kind of girl? ready for what? And by the way, where are you calling?
- This is an ambulance for women in labor?
(God! I didn’t even know that such a thing existed!)
I sigh with relief, and since I have no need to hide my true place of work, I honestly answer this nice lady:
- No, no, what are you, this is the Presidential Administration!
The sweetest woman hung up.
I hope her baby girl is born happily!

(Fox cub)

This is the story of a nice man who worked on the airfield in a FOLLOW ME car, sort of like an airplane valet.
And it was his birthday. A familiar pilot from a foreign flight brought this citizen a healthy bubble of whiskey.
Mikhalych (aka the parking attendant) thought - where to hide the bubble? In car? If he finds the security service, they will throw out the balls for drinking on the airfield. Take it to your closet? Or soprut or drink before the holiday. He took it and put it in his sleeve. And imperceptibly and at hand how it is heated :).
I went to meet a board that had just landed. He escorted me to the parking lot, got out, took semaphores (two flashlights that help the flyers to correctly place the steel bird) and waits for the slowly rolling board. He raises his hands up and begins to give signs to the FAC. The plane falls into place, a bottle slowly crawls out of Mikhalych's sleeve, there is no way to fix it, can you imagine the situation? The only opportunity to slightly lower the elbow and try to push it into the sleeve, pressing it against the body, which was done.
And at this time, the plane, looking at the manipulations of Mikhalych, calmly begins to go to the side and crashes into the lighting mast with the edge of the wing. The pilot, looking at the semaphore Mikhalych, realized that this was a sign of a turn and turned.
The edge of the wing is damaged, the crew is in shock, Mikhalych is no longer working.
Here is such a story.

Here, more than once and much has been said about the strange, in our opinion, behavior of Americans in a given situation. I happened to be a participant in two very similar events and now I have something to compare with how I got out of the same situation and as an American.

In short, I decided to posteb@tsya over a friend. I went to the g # th site, I register, I write his mail.
Everything would be fine if it were not for the message: "A user with this email already exists in our database."

I go to the hospital, next to the house there is a shop, on it grandmothers, as usual, see them off with piercing glances, and on the house right above the grandmothers there is an inscription - "Video surveillance".

History was in the school. Was 9th grade.
Russian lesson. One student writes phrases at the blackboard that the teacher dictates. Plus there is a class teacher. It came to the phrase Fill with Lead. Suddenly, at the moment of writing, a cry is heard from the back of the desk: "Isn't Poured with Vinets separately?"

Once I had lunch with my husband in a cafe, well, we had lunch and left, and after 2 hours it turned out that he had forgotten his mobile phone on the table. To everyone who called him, an honest waitress picked up the phone and said that the phone was left in the cafe.
Let's go pick it up. We got the phone back, we look at the text message that came from the husband's mother.
The text is as follows: son, I called you several times - you left the phone in a cafe, take it as soon as possible before it is stolen. :)

Just walking with my son, I heard the sound of breaking glass from the apartment on the second floor, from the side of my entrance.
A male voice follows:
- Why is it so unlucky, Lord!
So I realized that I live with cultured people.
Have a nice weekend and cultural neighbors :)

After skiing on Pukhtolova Mountain, my wife and I stopped by for lunch at a cafe on the shores of the Gulf of Finland.
She ordered veal and I ordered lamb egg kebab. Haven't tried it before, I thought it would be delicious.
The order was taken by one waitress, and the dishes, a whole tray for two tables, were brought by another. Who ordered what, she, therefore, did not know. She takes the top dish and shouts: "Who has mutton eggs?"
Well, what could I do ... I shout: "I have!" :((

One day I went to a sporting goods store. At that time, there were two buyers, me and a hefty short-haired guy who was examining a bat.
Behind my back there was a thick bass: - Everyone stand. This is a robbery.
Turning around, he saw a square man in years, with a wide smile on his face.
In the next moment, the short-haired guy gave him a bat. The man managed to look at him in surprise, the guy put him down with the second blow.
It turned out that it was the owner of the store, he went for rent, he decided to joke.
The property owner who came to his senses turned out to be a normal man, the cops were not called. He escaped with a bruise, and as he said, for a former wrestler this is not a question at all.
And the bat was presented to the guy as the best buyer.

An anecdote from life, I was a witness.
In a small bakery shop in San Francisco, bread prices @: Fresh - [$1.50], yesterday - [$1].
Grandma comes into the store and asks the saleswoman:
- Please tell me, do you have yesterday's bread?
Saleswoman: - It's over.
Granny: - Please tell me, will you still have yesterday's bread today?

The saga about how the Big Man went to the public toilet.
Venue: Park. In the middle of the park there is a large building of the MF type. Architecture - a large stone structure, round. The passage to the actual equipment is in a spiral along the wall. Not equipped with electricity.
Evening twilight. I approach this monument of communist architecture, tormented not by thirst, but vice versa. In front of me, in the same direction, a two-meter-long boy with a backpack is walking. Approaching the dark, gloomy entrance to the "cave of natural needs", from which aroma and suspicious whiteness on the ground spread for two meters, the kid sighs and climbs into the backpack. A respirator emerges from the backpack and is pulled over the face.
I hardly pee with laughter waiting for the kid to go inside. Bo when something like this comes from behind in the dark...
Yeah. In the dark. Wait! A headlamp with 18 blue bulbs appears from the backpack and is pulled into place. The lantern turns on and this human begins its journey through the smelly cave. I, using the backlight, fit in behind.
We go. Let's go to the urinals. We get up. From behind, where there are shocks, a clenched voice sobbing:
- B%i-i-i-i ... thank God that I'm already sitting without pants.

Does anyone remember the movie "Pitch Darkness"? There, at the very beginning, "this fucking starship" falls on a very inhospitable planet.
Here, the minibus on which I rode resembled this very spaceship. And with all the details. It is big, but there are few passengers. What is outside is not visible due to dirty windows. The bus flies at such a speed that the passengers are trying to buckle up to the seats with their own bags. Who is deprived of such an opportunity - flies around the cabin. A little more and there will be weightlessness. The GPS navigator does not have time to announce stops, it broadcasts continuously, not always hitting, and therefore wheezes and stutters.

And at the moment of a particularly complex and fast turn, inertia brings the grandfather to the place of the “pilot”. He, tightly clinging to the handrail, takes out a box of medicine from his pocket and hands it to the driver:
- Son, here is a good remedy for diarrhea. Have a drink. And then there are twenty people, I don’t have enough for everyone ...
atjitgtn2011

Early 90s. We sit and drink with one pretzel. He knows that I have friends in the KGB/FSB. It starts to push me, like - but I'm not afraid of them, like the times of "bloody hell are over", that's it, their time is over.
I tell him, because they are excellent psychologists, why should they scare you, they will talk to you anyway, you will tell everything that you know.
My interlocutor answers this, saying that this cannot be, I myself am still a psychologist.
Shall I give him a try? Just keep in mind that I'm not a GBshnik and you know about it in advance, so the effect is not the same.
He replied - let's try.
I begin in a sly voice:
- Did you write as a child, did your grandfather suffer from alcoholism, etc.
In general, he relaxed.
And then I howl:
- STAND UP WHEN THE COUNTERINTELLIGENCE IS TALKING TO YOU!!!
My friend stuttering jumped up and froze. Stupor for a minute.
Then, already spilling on a new one, he confessed:
- You know, I was actually frightened and somehow naturally presented myself in the dungeons of the State Security Service.

Told a friend who makes a living laying stoves and fireplaces.
He laid a fireplace for one figure. And when he was already laying out the pipe, he felt that they wanted to throw him away for money. And the baker took action.
When the matter came up for payment, it turned out that they would give him money much less than agreed.
He said, "OK, if that's the case, then try heating your fireplace."
Zhadyuga flooded the fireplace and got a room full of quality and dense smoke.
Permeated with the thought that the cunning stove-maker had blocked the chimney with something, he thrust the head into the fireplace and looked up. The answer was the blue sky in the mouth of the chimney above. Flooded again - again a full room of smoke. Again looked in a pipe - the sky is visible.
He had to give the missing money to the stove-maker.
After the calculation, the master climbed onto the roof and threw half a brick into the chimney, which broke the glass embedded inside the chimney.
Here's a straXovochka just in case.

My friend bought himself a fancy new digital camera. He notified me of this great event by telephone, as well as all our friends. In the evening we decided to get together and celebrate this matter.
I was a little late and arrived at the bar when everyone had already seen enough of the miracle of technology and it was already safely hidden in a bag. By the time of my arrival, they were already so “noted” that they naturally forgot for what reason they had gathered at all.
Sitting down at the table and holding out my hand to a friend, I said, "Darling, show me your device." In response - the round eyes of a friend and the words "right here ??? Can't you wait until the house?".
Everyone instantly sobered up and lay on the tables already from laughter.
Yes, the difference is in the female and male logic - I didn’t specify which device I ask to see!
At home, I showed him what to think about - ... about the photo!

Interesting short funny stories from people's lives - this is exactly what will always be in demand among readers. Any person likes to laugh at what happened in the life of another. Funny stories can cheer you up at any time of the day. It is known that what was taken from life will amuse for more than one year. And laughter, as you know, prolongs life!

Holidays with friends already involve telling all sorts of funny stories. Many of these gatherings end up on the Internet. If you want to read a collection of very funny life stories, welcome to our site!