Are guys afraid of the first time. Fear of sexual intimacy: On the causes and methods of getting rid

Fear is present in every person. Everyone has something for the first time: first class, first boyfriend, first kiss. These are very special moments that are remembered for a lifetime, when these periods come, we always worry, worry and experience anxiety. A particularly exciting period in a girl's life is the first sex. There are a lot of controversial issues at once: Fear of painful sensations. How to behave? How to dress? How not to spoil everything? What mistakes to avoid? Or what not to do during the first intimacy? Every person has their own fears. Let's figure out what is worth fearing and what is not.

Sex is closeness, both moral and physical, there is nowhere closer. Therefore, you need to figure it out on a psychological level - is this really the person for whom you have been saving yourself all this time. This should not be rushed, nothing can be returned back. It will be impossible to experience these emotions twice, the first sex is remembered for a lifetime. If you have made the final decision, you just need to “let go” of your fear. If this is really the same person, then you should not be afraid of any missteps, this person will be able to support and cheer you up.

The first sexual intimacy means trust, tender and affectionate relationship between a girl and a guy. If a girl doubts trusting relationships, tact and restraint of a partner, it is better to postpone the most important event, because the only impression that you can get from intimacy with an inattentive partner is painful and unpleasant sensations and a bunch of unnecessary complexes.

And you should also understand the future consequences, minimize the risk of getting pregnant or getting any disease - this also affects the anxiety and anxiety in girls.

Reasons for concern may include:

Hypocritical methods of education, when sex is described by parents as something dirty and shameful; the suggestion that the sexual partner should be the first and only man.

Rejection and dislike towards one's own body.

Often the fear of sex is associated with childhood trauma, for example, the departure of the father from the family. In this case, already in adulthood, a woman cannot build the right model of relations with men or is simply afraid of betrayal.

You can put yourself in the place of your young man, perhaps he also experiences fear and excitement. It is likely that he also needs support. Guys, just like you, have their fears. You should talk with your young man, discuss all situations. Saying all the actions for the first time, this can save you from panic and thoughts in your head: “I don’t know what to do next and how I should be.” A glass of light wine will help to relax a little, but no more. A large intake of alcohol can be detrimental to health, which affects sex life, in the future it can affect the enjoyment of having sex without drinking alcohol. Gradually, this can develop into alcoholism.

You should not resort to the advice of your boastful girlfriends who have already had their first sex, who consider themselves experienced in this matter. Each couple has their own first time. You need to be confident in the person you choose and follow your intuition.

How to prepare for the first sex? In case your young man knows what you are going through before the first intimacy, then he should provide a beautiful and unforgettable environment where an unforgettable evening will take place. The best time for such an event is the dark time of the day, because at this time you stop being afraid to expose your body to your partner.

It is necessary to create an atmosphere so that there is an opportunity to relax, to feel calm, excited. Try to overcome shyness and tightness. A young man should be responsible for all this state and the creation of a romantic evening. If the girls come across an experienced partner and everything goes smoothly enough. If your partner, like you, will experience the first intimacy, then he should be warned about caution and restraint. Because in an excited state, the partner can lose his head and completely forget about the feelings of his partner.

Allow intimacy only when both partners are mentally ready for this and are confident in each other.

Tune in to a calm and exciting atmosphere, but in no case abuse alcoholic beverages.

Take care of contraception in advance to avoid unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Prepare your body for the big moment. Visit a beauty salon, get the appropriate beauty treatments or take a relaxing bath, after which your skin will be softer and more fragrant, and your body will be relaxed.

Figure out exactly what you're afraid of. What influences your fear? Find answers to all your questions. If you don't figure it out "on the shore", you'll be tense and won't get a chance to relax and have fun.

Familiarize yourself with anatomy and physiology. The issues of the structure and functioning of the human body have been studied for more than one century. If you are not familiar with the anatomy of a man or woman, or want to clarify some points, then an incredible amount of information is available to you.

Write out a plan to overcome your fears. When you determine the main fears of the first intimacy, you will find ways to resolve them.

To overcome your fear, you just need to let it go. Close your eyes and act. Sex is not only intimate, but also care, attention and kindness. Do not forget to show all these feelings to your chosen one. Show your emotional openness.

Making love should bring joy. Relax and don't be afraid to let yourself be improvised and excited. Tune in to having fun and then forget about fear.

The main fear of the first sex is safety. Fear of losing your virginity, fear of getting pregnant, or fear of what your parents will find out. All these fears go away if they are thought out in advance and prepared for them. Take the necessary measures and your fears will go away.

The onset of sexual activity is considered a turning point. If you think that you do not correspond to the ideas of your partner, if he compares you with others, you should not allow yourself to be pressured or try to please your man. Leave such a "gourmet", let him continue to live in his dreams and ideas. You will still meet "your" person, who will like you the way you are, with all the shortcomings.

Sexual assault, relationship or domestic violence and harassment are very serious things. Any girl or woman should have a clear understanding of their intentions in case of possible intimacy. You can stop everything at any time by saying "No!" or "Stop."

Name: Anastacia

Hello everyone) I am 19 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. We have a very good relationship - we get along, interests, one might say, completely coincide, he is very sensitive and attentive. He has already proposed to me, and I feel that this is really my person, the one to whom I want to give children and live to old age together)
I am raised by my mom, she has very high religious beliefs, so I think it's normal that I'm a virgin at 19. I never thought it was necessary to jump into bed with a guy for a slight whiff of attraction.
My problem is the following. My boyfriend has a very high sexual appetite. Although, while we are not having sex, he shows his passion only in kisses or caresses, but I myself am not distinguished by some kind of frigidity. As he says, he always wants me, let it sound like a joke. He doesn't force me to have sex at all. Over these two years, I finally realized that I can trust him, but here's the problem:
1. I am afraid of pain. I know that it’s possible to endure all this, but the situation is such that it’s already painful for me to even put my finger in there. There is some incomprehensible painful and unpleasant sensation. That is why my boyfriend once again stops, afraid of damaging anything at all. It is worth saying that he has an impressive size of the penis, so I'm doubly scared.
2. I started my first cycle at the age of 11, I have always been different from other girls. I was taller, leaner, curvier. Guys older than me always ran after me, however, as now. When I was 12, a neighbor boy, who was already 17, was chasing me very stubbornly. It was no secret to anyone that he had already slept with girls. Yes, and in me he saw only one thing, always confused and thought that I was 15-16. Everything would be fine, but his impulses - even simple hugs, touching my legs or trying to kiss me - always cut me off, but since then I have begun to be afraid of men. Generally any. After I left this city and this boy for good at 13, I dated guys. I went on dates with them, but as soon as the guy went beyond simple friendship - he tried to hug or kiss - I immediately left him.
And here are my 2 problems. I got out of the habit of dumping guys. I trusted my current boyfriend right away. I just started dating my best friend, who is more interested in my spiritual qualities than physical ones.
But as soon as it comes to bed, I get all pinched, I start to be afraid. For no apparent reason, although I completely trust my man in this matter ..
Help, please, what should I do? I don’t remember about that guy who once climbed into me, he somehow showed up in my life when I was 16, he was 21, he tried to chat me up for a meeting, for sex, but I immediately sent him away, not thinking.
Everything seems to be fine, but am I really not able to overcome these childhood fears?
Thanks in advance to everyone who answers :)

The article will not "itch" with moralizing. We will try to dispel the fears of the “first time”, as well as find out how to prepare for this experience and what is important to consider during the deprivation of virginity - both psychologically and physiologically.

The girl grows and becomes a girl - her breasts grow, her hips round, the first menstruation appears, hormones play. Nature has already prepared her for the first step - intimacy with a man. But for childbirth, of course, it's too early until the body is fully formed. Therefore, the bar is such, 18-year-old, invented by "smart" uncles in the government, who create laws, that early sex is prohibited.

Gone are the fabulous times of Romeo and Juliet, the "witch hunt" began. Even if a mature girl who has not reached the age of majority has crazy love with her boyfriend, and this becomes known to the public, then often troubles cannot be avoided. Especially if the girl is pregnant. She is branded as a whore, and a guy can be locked up for a long time behind bars on a very bad article. Cry do not cry, and two destinies have already been destroyed.

Unfortunately, these are our times. Proving your true love in front of a not-quite-smart public is difficult. But, as you know, the forbidden fruit beckons, and lovers do not care about the opinions of others and, not being afraid of the consequences, they still decide on the first intimacy. I would like to say to these girls: well, if you can’t keep you, then at least protect yourself and keep your mouth shut, trusting your feelings only to your very own person - your mother. If she can understand it.

In many nations, traditions are still preserved that the bride must be a virgin. This is strictly monitored by relatives, and even a sheet is taken out for viewing by all guests after the wedding night. And God forbid there will be no drops of blood! It so happened that the groom himself, who had already made love before the wedding with his bride, cut his finger in order to “indicate” her virginity on the sheet.

But, if you do not take into account such traditions, then modern sexologists even recommend that couples make love before marriage. Why? So that later you don’t “miss” with sexual compatibility. After all, sex is far from last in married life, and it is precisely because of incompatibility that betrayals often occur and marriages break up. Therefore, it is better to "try" each other before marriage.

Hellish pain during defloration is a frequent horror story of young girls. In fact, it is important in what conditions it happened, with whom and in what psychological environment. Only the rape of a virgin is scary, and the first sex with a lover (especially if he already had experience) acts as an analgesic. But first, let's find out what the hymen is.

This is a thin leather film covering the entrance to the vagina, located at a depth of 3 cm. It can be of 3 types:

Lunar. It occupies one of the sides of the entrance to the vagina, without completely closing it, and has a different edge - smooth, ridge-like or serrated.

Ring-shaped. With a hole in the middle and its various edges.

Blind. Closed, without opening.

So, almost every hymen has a hole through which the same menstrual blood passes, and therefore, we can say that the hymen is not “teared”, but only “teared”, gradually stretching it during intercourse. And only in the case of a very rare “blind” hymen, you will have to suffer, and most often not a couple in love, but a gynecologist, surgically, since menstruation cannot pass through such a hymen. But this is an exceptional case.

But nevertheless, the word "tear" will frighten. But imagine if you are in bed with your lover, how many factors will prevent pain:

Sex for love itself with gentle foreplay is the best sedative “drug”.

Natural vaginal lubrication (if for some reason it does not appear, then you need to use a lubricant - a special lubricant for sexual intercourse).

Stress, adrenaline, a lot of hormones thrown out are wonderful natural anesthetics.

Therefore, the first sex is not so terrible, as already experienced ladies “paint” it. Although ask everyone how it was for her for the first time, she will smile nostalgically. Again - if it was for love, and not forcibly. This is not forgotten.

But it’s true, they always feel sorry for women in everything, and no one thinks what it’s like to be a man, especially under such circumstances. Yes, of course, the fear of pain will be unknown to him, but otherwise it will be no less stressful for him, especially for a beginner. It will be easier for an experienced guy, and still, even for him it will be an exciting moment.

But it will also be difficult for an experienced man, because he himself needs to “work” as a psychologist for his virgin partner. But during the foreplay, it will be easier for him to relax and calm the girl, since he probably already knows how to do it right. And he will pick up affectionate words, and carefully put a small pillow under her ass for a comfortable first penetration.

The main thing is not to be shy and tell the guy to whom you decided to give yourself for the first time that you are a virgin. He does not need to make a "surprise" at the very last minute, he must be ready to make decisions during sex - how to make the first night of love enjoyable for both.

Whether it is necessary to be protected? First sex doesn't involve pregnancy, does it? But no, all this is nonsense and childish babble that during the deprivation of virginity you can’t get pregnant - as much as possible. What to do:

Contraceptive pills for girls by cycle. A good choice, if you protect yourself - you will be confident in yourself, and not in an accidentally disappeared partner who will not be ready for fatherhood.

Condom. Well, of course, "gum" is the most famous remedy for unwanted pregnancy. Moreover, there is lubrication on the condom, which is so necessary during intercourse, and a girl who is frightened by the first sex can be “dry” in this place. Although men often treat the "elastic band" with disdain, it would be worth buying it in advance.

Interruption of sexual intercourse. Of course, there is no 100% guarantee, but many people practice this particular method. If there are no other ways to protect yourself, then you can interrupt, but it is desirable that this method does not fall at the time of ovulation (14 days after menstruation). The safest time is before or right after your period.

And nothing special is required to prepare for the first intimacy - the main thing is hygiene and a positive psychological attitude. In order for you and your partner to be well liberated, you can take a bath together - it calms and relaxes.

Before and after defloration

Here are some tips to make your first time comfortable:

The more foreplay, the better. Haste in such a delicate matter is unacceptable. Only after fully enjoying the caress, you will feel that you are ready to say goodbye to virginity.

Posture is just as important. The simplest one is best - missionary, that is, lying on your back, placing a pillow under your buttocks in advance. So you can completely relax.

If at some point you feel pain, don't be silent. Heroism is also not welcome. So your young man will be able to choose the rhythm and frequency of pressing.

Say goodbye to virginity - rejoice, all the difficulties are behind you, you have become a woman! This is another step towards adulthood. Run to the bathroom!

It is enough just to rinse the genitals with warm running water from the shower. Don't let the blood scare you - that's normal, because the skin of the hymen has torn. If pain bothers you, then a few days after defloration it is better to consult a gynecologist.

For some time after defloration, it would be worthwhile to refrain from sexual intercourse so that the wound heals. You will feel when everything is back to normal - now you can safely continue to enjoy sex with your boyfriend. Over time, you will learn many bed tricks, you will experiment a lot. But that's a completely different story.

Fear of sex is a common phobia that is easy to overcome if you know the origins of the problem and solutions. How to overcome fear and become happy in intimate life?

The fear of intimate relationships is familiar not only to young young people and girls, even adults with extensive experience face psychological problems in sex.

Why does it happen that such a pleasant activity - sex, gives rise to fear and other negative emotions?

Causes of a phobia

The origins of the problem can lie both in a person’s childhood and be far-fetched. Knowing the reason for this behavior, you can easily find a solution to the problem.

Psychological trauma of childhood

Perhaps the most difficult cause of a phobia. Children, especially girls, may at one time have experienced some form of violence against their integrity.

Even if specialists worked with the child and the first consequences of the trauma were overcome, the fear of sex and any relationship can manifest itself at a more conscious age.

Boys can also suffer from psychological trauma. But here the reason may be the attitude of parents to the issues of sexual education. For example If a mother once “caught” a teenage son for masturbation and inspired him that this occupation is very dirty and shameful, then the boy may develop a fear of intimacy.

What to do?

If a girl or a young man is still burdened by childhood traumas, it is worth going to a competent psychologist. We have a happy future in our hands, filled with the joy of intimacy, so you can’t run away from your sexual side of your personality.

Bad past experience

Fear of sexual relationships can be caused by negative experiences. A person, by his psychology, is more inclined to “get stuck” in negative memories. Therefore, every time before a possible intimate rapprochement, past memories pop up in memory, preventing you from enjoying the moment.

Young people who once failed to have sexual intercourse can worry about their "inferiority" for a long time. Fear of a new failure is stronger than the desire for sex with a partner.

What to do?

If you are haunted by a negative experience, and you can not overcome the fear of sex, try to "work through" these emotions:

Concentrate on the possible positive moments in intimacy, remember more often the positive experience of getting closer to your partners.
Share your feelings with a partner. Close trusting relationships will help to cope with phobias.
For men, erectile-enhancing drugs can help overcome fear and become more confident. But do not get carried away with potency stimulants, if there are no physical reasons for a weak erection, try to remove the psychological sources of the problem.

Complexes and self-doubt

The fear of entering into close relationships can be caused by complexes about appearance:

More often this phobia affects women. They have complexes about being overweight, cellulite, wrinkles, stretch marks and other supposedly flaws in appearance.
Men may avoid sex for fear of being ridiculed by their partner because of their modest dignity.

What to do?

All complexes about appearance are most often far-fetched. Even if there really are flaws, this is not a reason to deny yourself the joys of sex.

The first thing to do is raise your self-esteem. Just communication with an attentive and sensitive partner, who does not care about the features of the appearance of a loved one, can help overcome all complexes. If a partner chose you, then you are sexually attractive to him.

Fear of getting pregnant and getting STDs

Fear of sex is often caused by objective reasons, for example, a girl is afraid of becoming pregnant or contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Most often, this phobia manifests itself in a new partner with whom a trusting relationship has not yet been established.

A man may also be afraid of suddenly becoming a father or contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

What to do?

Possible pregnancy and illness is not a reason to completely abstain from sex. Today there are remedies that prevent unwanted pregnancy and protect against viruses and diseases of the genital area.

Of course, all of them do not provide 100% protection. But you can overcome the fear of sex if you do not enter into a close relationship with a person with whom a trusting relationship has not yet been established.

Do not drown out the fear of getting pregnant and contracting diseases with the help of alcohol, as you will only exacerbate the problem. If in doubt about a partner, do not have sexual relations with him. Wait for the moment when you can fully trust him, and the fear will pass.

Fear of sex

Phobias in sexual life manifest themselves differently in men and women, have their own characteristics.

In men

Men suffer from phobias in sex less often than the fair sex. Their fears are most often associated with a fear of failure, complexes about their ability to please a woman.

The image of an alpha male, brutal and self-confident, which all women like, has developed in society. Actually, it is not. Women like different men, moreover, for smart and mature women, the appearance of a man is in third place after intelligence and masculine character traits.

Men's fears about the size of manhood are also unfounded. Most men have an average penis size that is completely satisfying for women.

Men who actively act in films "for adults" most often have physical data that exceeds the average man.

A man who is familiar with the fear of sex should first of all establish a trusting relationship with his partner, then there will be no problems with erection, and the atmosphere of intimacy will contribute to mutual enjoyment.

Among women

Women who are worried about upcoming intimacy with a man should think about the origins of the problem. Adequate self-esteem, self-confidence and trust in a partner contribute to the removal of far-fetched complexes and fears.

There are women who have a phobia manifested in the fear of disappointing a partner. The fear of looking like a “log” in bed stops some women from enjoying sex. Here it is worth noting that phobias and stiffness only exacerbate the problem.

Trust a man with your emotions, and he will be happy to help you open up and give free rein to your feelings. Not all men love overly sexy women, there are those who are "turned on" by modest women who blush at every occasion.

First experience

Fear of losing your virginity is a fairly common phobia. Not only girls suffer from it, but also young guys.

What are girls afraid of?

In the beautiful half of humanity, the fear of the first sex is caused by objective reasons - physical pain, fear of getting pregnant, fear of being abandoned by a man.
Girls can be brought up too strictly, and torment about judging parents is added to the fear of physical pain. Sex is viewed as a dirty and base process that carries more negative than positive emotions.

What are guys afraid of?

A young man is most often afraid before the first sexual intercourse with a woman "to lose face."
The fear that the erection will suddenly weaken, or ejaculation will occur too quickly, makes many men avoid women.
They are afraid not to satisfy their partner, to disappoint her.

A trusting and deep relationship with a loved one will help get rid of the fear of sex. Especially do not rush to lose virginity to girls. Better to do it late than too early.

Guys who avoid intimacy with real partners need to increase their self-esteem and get rid of psychological problems.

How to overcome panic and anxiety

And yet, how to cope with the fear that binds the mind and body? If sexual phobias are obsessive and interfere with a peaceful life, you can first try to cope with them on your own.

The following methods will help overcome fear:

deep introspection and reflection of the causes of fear;
focus on the positive aspects of sexual life;
establishing a trusting relationship with a partner, talking about problems, contraceptive issues;
creating a relaxing environment before intimacy;
increasing self-esteem on their own or with the help of trainings;
studying books on sexology.

If, nevertheless, the fear of sex remains, it is reasonable to turn to specialists, you should not put off a happy intimate life for later. A sex therapist or psychologist will be able to diagnose the problem and select the best therapy option.

Sex is an important area of human life, the basis of a harmonious family union, so there is no need to hush up problems. A fulfilling sex life is possible if partners trust each other and do not hesitate to talk about their phobias.

Video: Psychotraining

Question for a psychologist:

The thing is, I'm afraid of sexual intimacy. I'm not afraid of the fact that someone "will enter me." I have a fear of seeing a person's eyes after that. I'm afraid I don't like something. I am also afraid of my and his naked body. It seems to me that all this is somehow wrong. And what happens after intercourse? How should I behave? Go to bed or talk to him. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do after the actual act. In fact, I already had a rapprochement with a guy (something like a simple caress) in which I did not lose my virginity and recalled this nightmare as a nightmare. All because it was my best friend's boyfriend and I betrayed her. I didn't understand what I was doing. I think the reason for the fear of sexual intimacy is also because of this case. Sometimes it seems to me that it is better to lose your virginity with a little-known person, considering that after that it will not be scary. But at the same time, I understand that the first time is special and should only be with a loved one. Also, from a little-known person, I can earn a number of HIV diseases. Sexual intimacy.

The psychologist Nechausova Maria Igorevna answers the question.

Hello Daria! The first time is always exciting, so you need to increase your comfort level. Yes, and the first time is not always smooth due to inexperience, embarrassment, ignorance, but that's okay. The most important thing in the matter of the first sexual experience is to find a person for whom we have tender feelings, who has mutual feelings for you, and you trust each other. And everything else is trifles that are easily solved. Do what suits you, what your heart says, what you want. Some points can be discussed with a partner (take care of a suitable place and time in advance so that you are not disturbed, maybe even with dim lights so as not to be embarrassed by the look; contraception, etc.), as a rule, everything else comes at the moment itself. Over time, you will get to know yourself better, get to know your body and the body of your partner, understand what you like and what suits you. Everything will come. Whether you want to talk or not, hug or just lie next to you ... listen to your feelings and do not be afraid of anything.

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