What does it mean if a guy doesn't keep his promises. Why men make empty promises, and how to deal with it A man constantly promises and does not fulfill

Promise under duress
Promises made under duress often fail.

Promises made under duress often fail. Women are sometimes too persistent, literally shaking out a promise to do or buy something. It is hardly to be expected that a man will keep the word that was "squeezed" out of him, and if, in obedience to your natural honesty, he nevertheless fulfills the promise, then it is unlikely with a soul.
Sometimes men make promises to their loved ones just so as not to upset them, especially when tears are used. Here men are ready to promise the moon from the sky, just to stop the tear flow. So they, poor fellows, take on promises that they obviously cannot fulfill.

So the fact that men do not keep their word is often the fault of women. Imagine being forced to do something you don't like. If there is an opportunity to get away from this unpleasant business, you will use this opportunity, right? So men are sure that a word given under pressure is not considered an obligation.

\"I'll give you a star!\"
Representatives of the stronger sex in the process, courtship often promise "mountains of gold", including marriage, in order to win the woman they like. And when she moves from the category of free to the category of her own, the matter never comes to fulfilling her promises. Of course, a rare woman in our time believes in "mountains of gold", but if a man is not ready to realize even simple, inexpensive promises, then faith in this man as a future life partner immediately disappears.
Many women put an equal sign between a man's responsibility for the family and responsibility for his word. In the female mind, a man who does not keep his word cannot be relied upon in life.

Force majeure or forgetfulness?
Sometimes some objective circumstances really interfere with fulfilling a promise. But when a man remembers his promise and wants to keep it, he explains everything in advance, sets a new deadline himself and fulfills it without fail.
Unfortunately, more often than not, all these force majeure events are invented right on the go, when a man is reminded of the promise, and his conscience does not allow him to admit that he has long forgotten about him. Moreover, this lie is immediately noticeable, moreover, these excuses can almost always be verified. Male forgetfulness is often associated not with a leaky memory, but with the fact that men's memory is selective. Events, deeds and promises, which they subconsciously consider not very important, are pushed into the background by memory. Knowing this peculiarity behind your faithful, remind him from time to time of his own promises.
It is worse if forgetfulness has another reason. The male character requires constant self-affirmation. And many men amuse their "Ego", create the image of a strong and omnipotent superman, giving out promises right and left, although they know in advance that they will not fulfill them, and therefore they immediately forget about them.

By promising big, you can save on little
A global promise often frees men from fulfilling many small and frivolous things. For example, the husband promises to build a house for the family or buy a good apartment. This promise cannot be fulfilled this minute, and everyone understands this. It often takes years to achieve a goal, so promises to go to the seaside, buy a new washing machine and give money for driving courses automatically become secondary.
In this case, try to give a hint about them to the wife, and she will immediately receive an answer: “Do you want a new apartment? If we don't save money, we'll never buy it." She will say: “Well, at least nail a shelf, you already promise a month!”

Credit of trust
Most of all, men love deferred commitments. Until the deadline for the fulfillment of the promise comes, you can live in peace: Nobody touches, demands nothing. While waiting for the fulfillment of the promise, the man receives, as it were, a credit of trust from the woman. She honestly waits for the deadline, but whether she will receive what she promised is still unknown.
\"Why do you need money for winter boots in the summer? So what if they cost three times cheaper in the summer? By winter I will buy you the best, the most fashionable, the warmest! And then, for some reason, winter comes ahead of time - at the end of November it turns out that good boots cost crazy money, and, in general, only two winters passed in the old ones, they are still quite new.

For personal gain
Often men promise their wives to do something about the house, but without reminders and on time they keep their promises only in those cases when they have their own self-interest in these matters.
They are even ready to go to the hated mother-in-law, if for this feat they are promised an evening in the company of friends or a visit to a football match. They always find time to go with their wife and buy groceries for the week, because otherwise they will have to eat convenience foods that the wife will buy on her way from work in the nearest store. But if the wife asks to take her shopping so that she can choose a new coat, she will have to wait for the promised one for more than one day off.

Methods of influence
Is it possible to somehow deal with male optionality and forgetfulness, to force them to fulfill their promises?

When you hear a promise from his lips, immediately say that his optionality offends you very much, therefore it is better to refrain from promises altogether if there is no possibility or desire to fulfill them, so as not to be branded as a deceiver.

You can mirror his forgetfulness. For example: promise him a romantic dinner with a continuation and cancel at the last moment, citing force majeure at work. Or, as if by accident, forget to fulfill his request. Let him feel how unpleasant it is to deal with a person who does not keep his promises.

If a man has been seen not keeping his word, do not demand promises from him and do not attach great importance to his own promises. If it does, it will be a pleasant surprise for you.

Demanding from your man the fulfillment of even those of your requests, to which he agreed, looking at the computer and nodding your head, be honest and fulfill yours. They promised homemade dumplings for breakfast on Sunday, so get up early and stick them.

From the realm of unrealizable
A lot of men's promises are generally from the field of women's pipe dreams. If in a fit of tenderness they promise to carry you in their arms, you do not take these words literally. Such a promise rather means that you will not know grief and need, live richly and happily. Yes, most of the time it's just a figure of speech with no specific meaning.

The promise to quit smoking and go in for sports can be considered almost unrealizable. Such promises men make more to themselves than to their women. And since every person has the right to his habits and is responsible for his own health, no one has the right to demand the fulfillment of these promises.

And further…
In his heart, every man considers himself, if not a ruler, then at least a commander in chief, who can give and take promises by birthright. Since they bear a greater burden of responsibility in life (they think so), then they should have more rights.

Men love vague promises that require many details to be discussed in order to be fulfilled. Therefore, to your question: \"Are we going to rest in Turkey? \\", he will answer: "Of course." But since there was no talk about where exactly, with what money, and, most importantly, in what year, there was no fulfillment of this promise for a lifetime. And don't wait.

Representatives of the stronger sex are very offended when they are reminded of the promises they once made. \"Do you think I forgot? \" And it does not matter that all the deadlines have already passed, and you have been waiting for the promised not even three years, but ten years already.

Do not want to be deceived in your expectations, do not make promises. You can often hear from men: \"You pulled out this promise from me, now wait!\"

Men who break their word rarely experience shame for not keeping a promise to a woman, a completely different matter if it is given to a man, especially a friend.

You should never hope that the promise to part with a previous partner and create a strong relationship with you will ever be fulfilled. It seems to women that it is impossible to lie about such an intimate and important thing; to men, all our worries about this seem, if not stupid, then strange. Breaking up an established relationship is a huge emotional burden, and men don't like it.

\"Forecast of weather forecasters\"
This is how the promises of many men should be taken. After all, if rain is predicted for you, and you take an umbrella with you, but the rain never happens, you can always reassure yourself that you were fully armed. So it is with men. It is much easier to either wait for surprises, or behave in such a way as to do something pleasant and give gifts to you, a man wanted without any reminders and promises.

To the credit of men, it must be said that there are very few chronic deceivers who do not fulfill promises among them. Occasionally this can happen to each of them. Many people are very ashamed of such accidents. Someone's nose bleeds keep their word, no matter how difficult it may be. In the general mass of men, it is they who make up the majority, which is why it is so unpleasant to meet a deceiver, and that is why today we tried to figure out why, after all, men are sometimes so irresponsible about their promises.

Interestingly, at the initial stage, she suits both, including representatives of the opposite sex, but subsequently the ideal union collapses. And mostly because of men.

The "male" suddenly begins to draw his partner the prospect of a completely different, more romantic and strong relationship, but he is not in a hurry to fulfill his promises. And the woman, already caught on the "emotional hook", wonders for a long time why the man needed to promise her mountains of gold, if. The situation is explained by a family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relations, director of the dating agency "I and you" Elena Kuznetsova.

Hold on to romance

One of the most popular versions that women put forward when discussing a problem is that a man shields himself in this way. He does not want to admit even to himself that his attitude towards his partner in this case is consumerist. In order to “furnish” everything beautifully, ”he throws dust in the lady’s eyes, compliments her in bed, invites her to relax on the sea with him - so he is for himself.

In fact, Elena Kuznetsova argues, this explanation has nothing to do with reality if we are not in a relationship with anyone and meet each other only for the sake of sex. The behavior of men in such cases is explained simply: with their promises, they hope to keep their mistress near them for as long as possible.

“The fact is that for a single man, a woman who declares that she does not need anything from him except sex is a great find. Not every lady will decide on such a statement, so a man cherishes such a convenient partner. However, at the same time, he does not fully believe her, because the installation is firmly driven into his head that everyone is unmarried. And this setting just becomes a stumbling block. Not trusting the words of the woman, the man tries to play it safe and begins to tell the lady what all the representatives of the weaker sex want to hear from their partner: beautiful words about their uniqueness, promises of joint trips, living together, and so on, ”explains Elena Kuznetsova.

At the same time, the man does not think about the consequences of his words. It seems to him that he is doing everything right and tying a woman to himself, but the opposite effect occurs. The lady stops looking at the man only as at, and begins to really imagine him as a possible life partner. She “assimilates” all the information that her partner voiced to her, and begins to expect actions from a man. When a lady realizes that she was simply deceived, her sympathy for her partner develops into disgust.

“A man acts as an egoist, he himself confuses the situation, but does not even think about it. He pours honey into the woman's ears, wanting to keep her. He is sure that it is really possible to do this with the help of classic tricks that act on all the fairer sex. A man does this solely for his own benefit, he does not think where all his nonsense will lead, that the situation will change, and he will lose his partner, because she will turn into a classic woman with demands, ”summarizes the psychologist.

It is interesting that the majority of normal men “work” according to this scheme, not males and not cynics. Only the classical type, who understands that “sex for the sake of sex” is initially not quite a normal relationship with a woman, has an attitude about marriage in the head.

Cynical representatives of the stronger sex or ladies' man, who maintain a sexual relationship with a partner, will not promise anything to the lady. They and all. And in this sense, such men are the most honest, the psychologist notes.

Catch on word

An interpersonal relationship consultant says that men need to be taken at their word and present to them what they have promised you. Especially in the early stages. Just do it gently and gently, like a woman: “Darling, do you remember, you promised me a trip to France? Are we going this month? And then look at the reaction. If your date muttered something inaudible and started to come up with excuses, stop betting on this man. But if he understands that with your question you have pinned him to the wall, and he can lose you, then he is quite capable of rehabilitating himself. He can, for example, say: “Sorry, dear, it won’t work out in the near future, let’s then, for sure.” But if he fails to fulfill his promise a second time, .

The concept has changed

According to Elena Kuznetsova, a man who initially did not consider a woman as his future companion, but only as a sexual partner, in the process of communication, may reconsider his views and begin to desire a more serious relationship.

Helpful information

“Switching is possible. Initially, we do not plan what will happen to this person in the future, but then we flirt. Exactly . That is, at first they meet just for the sake of sex, but at some point they realize that they are attracted to each other in principle, ”says the interpersonal relationship consultant.

It is easy to understand that a man has “switched” to you emotionally too. More romance appears in your relationship, you spend more time together, and outside of bed, your partner becomes more gentle, more caring, more sympathetic. If, for example, you are ill, you may be asked to bring aspirin. He tries to support you and help you solve your problems.

If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected]

“I could make a whole book out of the promises that men made to me in bed,” said Barbara Streisand. It must be admitted that there really is a category of men who generously give out promises, and are not limited to the bedroom: “I will call you / Of course, we will get married! / Yes, I will buy you a fur coat / Of course, I will come to dinner / Today I will hang this picture " . Hit of all times and peoples: "I promise, this will not happen again." Why men do not keep their word and is it worth waiting for the promised three years.

We begin to believe in the promises made to us since childhood - when dad promises a beautiful doll for the New Year, and Santa Claus guarantees that he will definitely appear again next year. When Santa Claus does not come, and instead of a doll a tiny baby doll sits under the tree, disappointment sets in. It is noteworthy that there is no analogue of the phrase “a man said, a man did” regarding a woman. Specialists explain the specific attitude to the word given by a man by sociocultural norms. “A man is a structuring principle, he builds the structure of the world. And the structure is something that you can rely on,” psychologist Alena Sagadeeva philosophizes. “These are traditionally social and gender roles, in accordance with which boys and girls are brought up,” adds Igor Pozhidaev, a psychotherapist at the Sibneiromed center. “People are expected to live up to the ideas they’ve been taught.”

But some, apparently, still inspired something else. Conventionally, men who make empty promises can be divided into three categories.

Liar, liar. This is a real liar, manipulator and cunning. He knows what he wants and achieves it in every possible way, including making promises that are expected of him and that he will never fulfill.
. Aspiring. The second category is men who do it unconsciously. “Such men want to look better than they are. They are aspiring, but not moving,” says Alena Sagadeeva. They make promises not because they want to deceive - they just want it to be so in reality, so they themselves begin to sincerely believe in it, infecting their interlocutors with their faith. If such a man is convicted of a discrepancy between words and deeds, he will very sadly shrug, ask for forgiveness and promise that this time he will try to do everything right.
. Offended. The most amazing character. It differs from the previous one in excessive touchiness and defiant removal of responsibility. "Why aren't you looking for a job? You promised, ”they are interested in him for the fifth time. And he explodes with righteous anger, managing to give a dozen arguments in favor of the fact that he has nothing to do with it and is generally deeply offended by the very posing of the question.

Between word and deed
If you delve into the male head, most often the reasons for such irresponsibility are associated with an attempt to escape - the fear of punishment, the desire to avoid a scandal or to reassure someone who is happy to be deceived.

“The most important thing is that inside this person there is a certain conflict between what he really wants and what others expect from him, to whom he makes these promises,”

says Alena Sagadeeva. He may know that he wants something else, or he may sincerely believe that he wants the same thing that they do, although in reality this is not so. Ultimately, in order not to create excessive tension in the relationship, he promises what he does not really want. What does he really want then? According to Ms. Sagadeeva, unlike a woman who wants stability, a man, first of all, seeks freedom. How he will react to the restriction in the most basic need depends on education and fortitude, but the reaction in one form or another will follow immediately. Empty promises are one of them.

The second need that must be satisfied (here regardless of gender) is the need for love, acceptance and respect.

In response to his promise, the man receives certain bonuses - the fur coat has not yet been bought, the nail has not yet been hammered - and the woman is already smiling, already grateful in advance and inspiring for further verbal exploits.

Also, show me a woman who does not want to hear that everything will be fine and all wishes will come true? Even if it's hard to believe, even if all previous experience suggests otherwise, you still really want to.

What to do?
It is difficult to resist the question “Why didn’t you warn again?”, It is difficult to resist the irony in response to another promise of a person who does not keep his word. The only thing you can do in this situation is to try again to voice how you feel - in some cases, the quantity factor works. And most importantly - for yourself to understand what you personally do in order to get the attitude that you get. This will surely anger many women, but it happens that they themselves regularly insist, push through their desires, preventing a man from expressing himself the way he wants.

Analyzing in which column of merits you made a mistake, you can find the treasured key that will open the veil of secrecy and put everything in its place.

“As a rule, the problem is in the mismatch of values ​​- for a man one thing is valuable, and for a woman another, these are different things and they do not intersect.

On the other hand, if a man regularly makes promises, but does not fulfill them, then this is not the right man - this is especially difficult to believe, ”says Alena Sagadeeva. It is possible, according to experts, to change the current model of behavior, but it is difficult. “It requires quite a lot of effort,” Igor Pozhidaev believes. “And here you need to correctly assess the situation, understand whether to fight for your happiness or just find it in the form in which it already exists.”

If you don’t want to break off the relationship, you should again ask yourself the question - what will happen if he never fulfills what he promises? Would you like to be with him in this case? If not, then you should stop entertaining yourself with illusions. And if so, to hell with her, with a fur coat and an unhammered nail.

Valeria Belenkaya

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“False promises are more annoying than outright refusals,” said the French lexicographer Pierre Boiste. Each of us has friends and acquaintances who systematically let others down and do not fulfill the promise. Or maybe you have noticed this behavior in yourself. Optionality often becomes a character trait, but there are different reasons for it. Therefore, first of all, it is worth finding the source of the problem, and only then look for a solution.

We are in website analyzed some cases of optionality in order to understand where it came from and what to do if someone's promises are not worth a penny.

1. Out of friendship

The first thing to do if you have someone around you who feeds you promises instead of dessert is to talk. Banal but effective advice. Perhaps the fact that for you unfulfilled promises and disrespect for yourself, for another person is a manifestation of understanding and the depth of friendship. Someone else needs to invent and explain this, but you can be refused at the last moment - you are “your people, you will understand everything”. In this case, it is worth discussing your ideas about trust and obligations and taking steps towards them. You - do not take everything to heart, and a friend - to reckon with your feelings.

In addition, the conversation will help to understand the reasons for optional behavior. After all, if someone just needs help and support, then it’s time to put the other person in his place.

2. Inability to say "no"

One of the most common reasons for broken promises is the simple inability to say no. Many were brought up with the idea that people need help, so a person strives to promise everyone his time, care and help. And then it turns out that there are more promises than hours in the day and strength inside. If you encounter such a person, let him know that any of your requests can be rejected immediately and honestly, this is much better than politely promising something that you cannot fulfill.

3. Laziness

Also, laziness often tells us to forget about the promised. It seemed that there was so much enthusiasm when he agreed, and when the time came, a small task turned into such a huge problem in the eyes of the one who promised that the mere thought of fulfilling his word was annoying. In this case, you should not ask a person for something anymore - it is unlikely that next time he will not want to suddenly sleep an extra hour or watch a movie instead of, for example, meeting you from the plane. Laziness in such people is not a periodic weakness, but a lifestyle.

4. Desire to please

Another type of people who constantly make promises but never keep them are those who just want to look better in your eyes. Such people are usually not going to keep their word - they just splurge in order to get your favor. They have already prepared an ingenious excuse, to which not only you can’t dig, but after it you even want to help the sudden “sufferer”. In extreme cases, such people go on an aggressive offensive - they talk about the fact that no one owes anything to anyone and twist the situation so that you are still to blame. The advice here is the same - don't wait for anything else, but the main thing is not to feel bad about moving away from "such a good person." Remember, he did not "did so much for you", but "promised you so much in vain."

And remember: if someone's behavior from time to time causes you discomfort, offends or pisses you off, you always have the right to remove such a person from your life. Even if it is difficult or painful, first of all, you should take care of yourself and your feelings.

And we, for some reason, are waiting for the promised, as the proverb says, three years. It is not at all a fact that a man did not fulfill his promise by nature or by malicious intent.

He promised to call yesterday morning, but now it's evening of this day and the phone is silent. He promised to help your mother with repairs, take you shopping for the weekend or take your child to a cartoon. Oh, yes, he just didn’t promise, and a trip abroad in the summer, and nail a shelf, and no matter what he promised you, he didn’t fulfill his promise to you. Why did he do that? Wanted to upset you or lies in men's blood? He did it for the same reason you promised your mom as a child not to eat snow and tidy up your room, just to be left behind.

Or maybe he just forgot? Not because his head is full of holes, but simply his memory pushes back events and deeds that are subconsciously not significant to him. For the same reason, you have repeatedly forgotten to bring a film to a colleague that you have long promised to give to watch or call a friend to chat. Things that are not of particular importance and value, the memory "likes to push into the background."

Failure to fulfill promises does not yet characterize a man from a bad side. It doesn't mean that he can't be trusted at all. If he did not fulfill his promise to take you to a restaurant, this does not mean that he will not fulfill his promise to marry you.

If a man occasionally makes promises, which he then does not fulfill, due to other more important matters or other circumstances, there is nothing to worry about. It's another matter if throwing words to the wind became his habit, became his second nature. Is it possible to fight this and how to make a man keep his promises?

You can try several ways to influence idle talk. The simplest is to explain your attitude towards his broken promises. Tell how it offends you, how important it is for you to know that when he makes a promise, he will keep it. A loving and caring person should listen and take this into account. Although, the other may simply promise not to do this again.

Remind them that it is better to refrain from making promises at all than to be known as a liar and a deceiver.

You can use a method called "mirror". That is, in some situations, do the same as him, do not keep promises. For example: promise him a romantic dinner followed by a stormy continuation and do not fulfill it. Or, as if by accident, forget to comply with his request. Make him feel how frustrating it is to deal with something that doesn't keep its promises.

You can, of course, stand above your soul and demand to fulfill everything that you promised. But this method almost never works. Men are only annoyed and repelled by the persistent imposition of something on them.

And how often do we think about whether what a man said is a promise. When, after a delicious dinner, he suggests going out to a restaurant sometime to save you the hassle of cooking. Or when to your question: “Darling, will you buy me a fur coat?” he replies, "Honey, I'll think about it." In such cases, women perceive this as a promise, but the man does not at all.

Of course, much depends on the promise that the man gave you. If he, in a fit of tenderness, said that he would carry you all his life in his arms and fill you with flowers. It is unlikely that you will be presented with a picture in which a decrepit old man is trying to raise you up or spending his entire pension on a bouquet for you. And if he promised to quit smoking and go in for sports, is it right to demand that he fulfill the promise? In this case, everyone has the right to their habits, everyone is responsible for their own health. Another thing is if bad habits have developed into a disease, for example, alcoholism, and he wants to get rid of it, but is unable to do it on his own. Then without your help and the help of a specialist, he can not do.

You should not call him a liar and a deceiver, trying to make him feel guilty. Think about it, maybe you are asking too much from him, forcing him to make endless promises?

If a man has never been seen making empty promises, this should not make you particularly happy. Perhaps your man will break into a cake to keep his word. Such hyperresponsibility is characteristic of extremely insecure people. By fulfilling the promise, they are filled with self-respect, which they so lack. Such people often react painfully to optionality. And the phrase “we’ll call you somehow” thrown by you can become the reason that a person will not part with his mobile even for a minute, waiting for your call.

When deciding how to make a man keep his promises, in no case do not resort to magic, do not look for conspiracies and rituals. Do not turn to fortune-tellers and sorcerers. It remains to be seen how this can turn against you. Do not make it your task to catch a man on the fact that he did not fulfill the promise. This can become a factor of irritation and lead to a quarrel.

Think it might be wiser not to take on faith all the words he said? And if he somehow promised to buy you a ring or something else pleasant, do not expect this from him. You should not peer into the windows with a dreary look, spoiling your mood. If he doesn't want to, he won't buy anyway. But when you do not expect, but receive, the joy of the gift increases significantly.

It is important to remember that when you get a man to fulfill his promises, you yourself must keep your promises. To avoid the game in one goal. Whatever methods you use to fight the unfulfilled promises of men, the main thing is not to overdo it so that the struggle does not become an end in itself. After all, the main thing is the harmonious relationship of two loving people.