How to distinguish love from affection: advice from a psychologist. How to distinguish love from falling in love, addiction, affection. What is true love

True love is selfless. Selflessness is the easiest criterion by which it can be distinguished from attachment and lust.

If you want to be with someone because that person makes you happy and you want him/her to keep making you happy, then this is self-interest (relationship for the benefit you get from the relationship). Relationships built on selfishness and selfishness lead to attachment. Such relationships make you dependent on them as a source of pleasure, gain, happiness, and so on.

In a relationship, there should be an exchange - giving and receiving from both sides.
If you get happiness from making your lover happy, and you yourself are happy in this relationship, then this is love.

When partners mutually want to make each other happy, then the relationship is built on mutual bestowal and selflessness. Love manifests itself in the selfless desire to give. Giving opens our heart. In such a relationship, it is important not only to give, but also to be able to take and receive in order to maintain a constant flow of love.

A longed-for relationship is when you really want to be with this person, and it is very difficult for you to be without him, especially in sexual terms.

If you love, then it doesn’t matter to you whether you want to or not, you still love the same way (even if you want, but it’s not available). If you love, then, of course, you can lust for your beloved (this is already so clear). The main thing that underlies the relationship: love or lust.

Lust leads to attachment, not to love.

If the relationship is built on lust or attachment, then when your partner hurts you or leaves, your heart begins to “stiffen” towards him. Instead of “love”, you can feel anger, contempt, resentment, claims, or even hatred and a desire for revenge. If a loved one leaves you, then you will experience pain.

But if you truly love him / her, then the feeling of love in your heart will not replace anger, anger, pretension or hatred, even when it hurts a lot.

Despite the pain, you can not be offended and forgive, wishing happiness to this person, and not dreaming of revenge. Pain and love can be present in your heart at the same time when you love.

Good day and wonderful mood! Spring is the time of love, the poets say. Countless songs, poems, and novels have been written about her. Everyone thinks and talks about her. Everyone wants to love and be loved. But are we not substituting concepts, are we not confusing the symptoms of true love with falling in love, affection, gratitude, or other feelings? Let's discuss the difference between love and attachment to a person.

I feel - so I live!

Before moving on to the signs of love and affection, I want to talk to you separately about feelings in general.

Many people, unfortunately, have big problems with emotional education. Not in the sense that they do not know how to behave, but in the sense that they do not understand or misunderstand what feelings they are experiencing at the moment.

An even sadder option is when a person consciously "crushes" some kind of feeling in himself, does not allow himself to experience it. “I will never be angry with my child”, “I will never be offended by my mother”, “I will not envy anyone.” Familiar?

So, in order to live a full life and remain, we all need to experience the full range of feelings and emotions - and be able to handle them correctly, of course. In order not to let anger develop into an affect, falling in love with deification and persecution of the object of one's feelings, and so on, one must not suppress feelings in oneself, but give them an adequate outlet. We will talk about this more than once, but for now we will return to love and affection.

What is love?

Love is a beautiful and very complex feeling. True love gives you a new, incredibly deep level of connection, understanding and empathy with another person.

To love means to rejoice in the very fact of the existence of another person. Undoubtedly, this is much easier to do when the object of feelings is nearby and loves you too.

True love starts with yourself. If you think that this is an overly selfish and self-centered statement, then I assure you that it is not. In order to build a loving relationship with another person, you must first love yourself.

Independence and autonomy are crucial. You should have your own goals and aspirations, no matter who you are currently in a relationship with. If you are looking for love to drown out, fill in the uncertainty, pain, fear, loneliness and emptiness in your life, then believe me - you will not find love, but only attachment, which can even develop into a painful attachment.

What is attachment?

People get attached easily. We become attached to things, to places, to events, and to everything that surrounds us. People are no exception.

What covers our needs and gives us a sense of comfort will certainly become the object of our affection. We maintain relationships with people with whom we feel special, who appreciate us, pay attention to us, give us compliments, support us.

Attachment is an excellent basis for business, friendship, partnerships. In principle, attachment can be a good basis for family relationships.

How to distinguish?

Love and affection are often intertwined and inseparable. We can love and We can love without attachment. We may not love, but be attached. What are the differences?

I already wrote about what is ideal. Probably, it is worth clarifying that only that family will be strong, where, in addition to love, there will appear (not necessarily immediately) affection, and care, and tenderness, and other emotions.

Love, be loved, live happily and don't forget to share interesting articles with your friends!

I used to drink coffee for breakfast and drink it without noticing - it's a habit. I'm used to it, and I want coffee for breakfast - attachment. I can't have coffee, I scold myself, but I drink coffee - it's an addiction. Attachment is like glue. If the glue sticks, it's a mild form of attachment. But if the glue is grabbed in such a way that it can only be torn off with blood and pain, this is a strong attachment.

Strong attachment and love are very similar. In life, these concepts are easily confused. How to understand - love or affection? Simple: we become dependent on who we are attached to. We are afraid of losing him, and therefore we must take care of him. It really is very similar to love, but in a voluntary-compulsory form.

What is the difference between love and affection

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One can talk about love for a very long time, but in short, love is a joyful, and most importantly, disinterested care. This is an interested relationship with a loved one. Love attachment is a special kind of psychological dependence on the object of love. The main feature of love attachment is not the joy and care directed at the object of love, but the suffering that the dependent person suffers. However, sometimes they revel in such suffering with voluptuousness.

When the absence of a loved one causes pain, it is customary to talk about a sick attachment. There are times when attachment develops into something that deprives a person of freedom. In this case, we are talking about addiction.

How to distinguish between affection and love

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In ordinary life, true love is not found very often. Most often, love is considered bodily attraction to another person. We are surrounded love, hate, friendship, affection. Someone is looking for love, but finds affection. Someone cherishes friendship, which develops into love. Many of these concepts are closely intertwined. People are entertained by love, people are subject to affection, people grow with friendship, and perish from hatred. We tend to confuse many different feelings and mistake one for the other.

How to know love or affection do we feel if we often feel both for the same person? Close relationships, over time, lead to attachment. Attachment can be both the basis of love and a painful feeling. Only life examples can clearly demonstrate the differences.

How to distinguish love from affection: examples from life

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Imagine two families. One lives in constant quarrels, claims, insults and very sincere scenes of jealousy. The husband sometimes drinks, and sometimes beats his wife. But they do not want to live without each other and cannot. When the husband is late, the wife is madly worried. If something happens to his wife, the husband simply will not survive this ... They literally grew into each other. They will not tolerate parting: a divorce for them is the same as a cut through the living.

“It’s difficult with him, but I can’t live without him!” the wife sobs. “She's a bitch, but I'm so attached to her!” echoes the husband. That's right, in such a situation it is difficult to talk about love, but affection exists.

Here is another family. They are always sunny and cozy: joy, smiles, warmth. Spouses are surprisingly attentive both to children and to each other. The voice is never raised here. Idyll. But the husband will always be just as calm and bright, even if some circumstances divorce him from his wife. He certainly loves his wife and children, but there is no affection in their relationship. He also loves the whole world.

Love can bring great happiness to people, give harmony and absolute unity with each other, or it can turn into suffering and pain. It's wonderful when this feeling is mutual, then it literally inspires people. True, sometimes they confuse true love with a short and fleeting love or with a stormy, but quickly passing passion. True love is a deep, mature feeling that makes you take a fresh look at yourself and the world around you.

It is love that generates affection, because a loving person cannot but experience it in relation to the object of his love. He misses being apart and cannot imagine life without his soulmate. If love and affection exist in harmonious unity, they contribute to the creation of a long and beautiful union of two loving hearts.

Habit or attachment as a substitute for love

It happens that, a few years after meeting or getting married, love leaves, leaving room only for habit or affection. Attachment is even capable of giving the illusion of love for a while. People who experience it still need each other, they are pleased to be around, the presence of a loved one in their life brings a sense of harmony and security. At the same time, in a relationship there is no longer the former reckless passion, boundless admiration for a loved one. It does not give those vivid emotions that only love can bring to life.

If a person begins to notice shortcomings in his partner that irritate him, then he experiences only affection or habit, but not love. Attachment and habit are often identified with each other, but these are perhaps different feelings. If attachment still implies some kind of warmth, tenderness and desire to take care of a loved one, then a habit can only come down to coexistence, accompanied by mutual boredom and unwillingness to change anything for fear of losing a certain comfort.

The easiest way to distinguish love from habit or attachment is to be apart for a while. Loving people will suffer in separation, strive for each other, and the longer it lasts, the stronger the desire to see their loved one as soon as possible will increase. If the relationship was based on habit or affection, they will gradually begin to experience mutual cooling, and the desire to see each other will quickly disappear.

How to understand that this is true love, and not ordinary affection? How to understand the difference between love and affection? Similar in appearance, they are completely different in essence. Attachment is the antithesis of love: behind the outward manifestations of love, it hides true hatred, it kills love. There is nothing more poisonous than attachment and possession. Possession, attachment, is false love. Better - hatred, it is at least more honest and more true. Hate may one day grow into love, but the desire for possession will never become love.

Each of us is afraid of loneliness. And this fear pushes a person to make hasty decisions. Deep despair can make you see things that aren't really there! Such an incorrect interpretation of feelings has an extremely negative effect on later life. After all, you can harm not only yourself, but also those around you. Some cling so zealously to the belief in love that they do not give a quiet life to their partner. This is a banal unwillingness to face the truth.

Real love

When there is true love in a relationship, that relationship is reciprocated and trusting. Self-esteem gives a person the confidence that he is loved, so he understands that a loved one has the right to grow and develop. Lovers give each other room to grow. This means that when you and your loved one do a lot together, you can have interests and friends separate from each other. In doing so, neither of you threatens to contribute to the other person's meaningful friendships, understanding that a loved one's relationship apart from you enriches your love and your relationship. Each of you is a whole person with unique needs and ideas about life, not two halves of a whole.

If you are confident in the love of another person, then you can respect that person's boundaries. In this case, each of you is trustworthy and trustworthy. Both of you are working to keep each other feeling whole. Most importantly, the willingness to constantly be who you are. In short, the hallmark of love in a relationship is the ability to be honest with yourself, while at the same time respecting the other person's uniqueness. If these lines describe your relationship, then congratulations! I wish your relationship and your love joy! But if these words do not seem sincere to you, then admit that in your relationship there may well be affection, not love.

Attachment in a relationship

Attachment in a relationship is characterized by instability and dependency. One or both partners are characterized by full, comprehensive participation in the common interest. There is a feeling that no one else matters to them. A person evaluates the strength of the need for a partner as proof of love. In fact, attachment in a relationship can be the result of a fear of being alone. Old friends and interests of the person with affection are put aside to serve the needs and desires of the "loved" person, so the feeling of self-sacrifice is perceived as a sign of love.

Preoccupation with the thoughts, behavior, feelings of a "loved" person leads to dependence on his or her approval. Self-perception and self-esteem of a dependent partner reflects the reaction of a “beloved” person. Expressing real emotions and thoughts becomes too risky. Therefore, reinsurance is important and may take the form of repetition or even ritual. For example, a statement such as "if you don't call me from work from nine to three every day, then you don't really love me" is not uncommon. Along with addiction comes intolerance towards the time the couple spends apart from each other. A sense of ownership, jealousy and patronage prevail over trust. The addict cannot tolerate being apart, even if there is conflict in the relationship or when the relationship is unhealthy. Experiencing an unhealthy attachment in a relationship, an addict, at the slightest possibility of separation, clings tightly to his "soul mate", feeling hopeless. Being apart can provoke physical symptoms such as impatience, lethargy, or loss of appetite.

• True love is hard to part with; letting go is easy.

The surest way to know if you're experiencing true love is to lose it. When it disappears from your life, you lose all reason for being for a while. It's like you've been deprived of your very soul. Sorrow and grief presses from all sides. But if you do not experience something similar after parting, then it was an ordinary attachment that did not carry anything serious in itself.

• Love is a manifestation of care, and affection is exceptional selfishness.

True love does not tolerate selfishness. Once you are in a serious relationship, your priorities will change dramatically. The whole philosophy of life is turned upside down. You will constantly think about your beloved, take care and worry about him. But when you are no more than just attached to a partner, then selfishness will prevail. Everyone wants to do things that are best for themselves. It's easy to notice and draw conclusions before things go too far.

• Love is not an easy burden; affection comes easily only when you are together.

Love is a very complex kind of emotion that is found in every person. Often, it is very dynamic and it is extremely difficult for two people to maintain such a pace. There will be ups and downs in the relationship, but supporting each other will overcome all difficulties. During a casual relationship, when it's all about affection, you won't be able to get along for long at a distance.

• Love gives freedom, but attachment paralyzes.

It is impossible to experience real feelings when you forbid each other to do certain things. Sincere love has no taboos. Mutual trust and bright feelings will overwhelm the lovers, and therefore they have no problems with personal space. Ordinary attachment, on the contrary, paralyzes. The participants in the relationship cannot be far from each other for a long time, and life without rules is not seen as possible. This dislike is a prison.

• Love is support; attachment creates stagnation.

True love inspires people to be better. And attachment does nothing: partners simply exist. Loving hearts can share their dreams, help each other achieve some goals, etc. They form a kind of driving mechanism that only strengthens their feelings. Attached people are locked in a little box and they don't want to be better.

• Love is durable; attachment is limited by time.

Love is one of those feelings that lasts forever. We are talking about a real and sincere manifestation of this bright feeling. There is no place for the naked desire to satisfy your needs. Attachment has it. Therefore, it lasts as long as the partners are satisfied. But sooner or later the thirst will reappear, and they will start looking for new experiences. And new partners.

What to do if you feel affection in a relationship with a loved one?

If this describes your situation, what can you do?

1. Admit to yourself that in your relationship you feel affection, if this, of course, is true.
2. Realize that love uplifts each partner, not the other way around. You deserve to give and receive nothing less than mutual respect and trust.
3. Start working on yourself, but for yourself, and not for anyone else. They say that you must first love yourself before you can love another person. There is much wisdom in this truth. For example, you may have some self-esteem issues that your loved one cannot solve for you. Start getting to know your real self, appreciate your positive qualities and agree with those traits of your character that are not your best.
4. Take action. You can rekindle friendships with someone who supports and cares for you, or find new friends with whom you share common interests. Develop your abilities and talents.
5. If attachment seems like a common pattern in your relationship, talk to someone. Group or individual sessions can help you get in touch with who you really are and help you trust your own self-worth.

Indulge yourself by doing what you enjoy. Buy yourself that coveted gift that you have always wanted to receive, try to find an activity that makes your heart beat faster! You have the right and duty to love yourself first!