Family quarrel rules. Reasons are topics for quarrels. The real causes of quarrels

Contrary to popular belief, marital quarrels should not be a sign of a successful marriage. And contrary to popular belief, the absence of quarrels does not mean the absence of disagreements. This means that a married couple knows how and finds a more reasonable and effective way to resolve conflicts.

So what is the essence and causes of the main family quarrels occurring according to statistics in every 4th out of 5 families. Let's try to figure it out and try on this "shirt" for ourselves.

The most common causes of family quarrels

There are four main causes of family quarrels. Of course, these are the most common reasons and this list does not pretend to be complete and exclusive. Here they are.

Various life values

A fairly common cause of quarrel. If one of your personal values in life is family, and it is in the first place, and your husband's personal value is in work, this may be a causal quarrel with your spouse.

Unmet expectations

If the husband expects that when he returns from work, there will be hot food waiting for him on the table, but in fact his assumption is not justified. Here is another reason for a family quarrel.

And this is the simplest example. Sora with her husband usually arises for a woman for a different reason - he forgot some important date (birthday, anniversary of the first kiss or, in the worst case, wedding). Remember in this case that your expectation does not mean that your significant other has the same. Unfortunately, people have not yet learned to read other people's thoughts and anticipate all desires.

Men ... cannot know what women need - they need to be told about it.

John Gray "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

Difference in upbringing

Your upbringing, religion, gender, ethnicity can also lead to a quarrel with a loved one in something different from you.

This difference is most noticeable between a man and a woman. A woman working in a leadership position and occupying the position of a "bitch" often applies this style of behavior at home. And men usually do the same. And here the family quarrel is once again inevitable.

Ignorance and lack of ability to deal with conflict

If you do not know how to resolve the conflict, or do not want to end it, it will not stop by itself. But think not about yourself, but about your loved ones, children. How will it affect them? Don't follow your desires. The ability to prevent conflict or stop it in time is the most valuable skill in life.

But there are many more reasons for the occurrence of quarrels in the family, and you, of course, know them:

redundant;
constant interference in the conversation, which men do not like so much;
strained relationship with the parents of his soulmate;
money (the eternal problem!) and many others.

After we have established the main causes of family quarrels, I would like to talk about individual scenarios for the development of the conflict, their winning and losing sides.

Scenarios for the development of a family quarrel

We ignore the conflict. A controversial scenario and a dead-end branch of development. If you have a tendency to ignore any quarrel in the hope that its cause will resolve itself, then know that this may not work with a serious conflict. If you want to lose a relationship because of a fight, this is your choice. But by burying your head in the sand and not trying to find a solution to the problem, you will not learn and gain your own experience, and this is important at any age. And in the event of a new relationship, you may also easily lose them.
We smooth out the quarrel. Are you trying to fit in with the other person and suppress your desires? Smoothing over any quarrel just to avoid a confrontation can also lead to a temporary reprieve. The conflict will not go anywhere, but the feeling of humiliation and resentment will remain for a long time.
I'm going to compromise. This is your typical win-win scenario. Both sides win when they are willing to compromise. But, such cooperation works only when people trust each other, and only in this way can a mutually beneficial agreement be reached. If you have lost confidence after a fight, then you will not believe that a loved one goes to the negotiating table to end the conflict between you. However, if there is trust, this scenario of resolving a family quarrel may be the best way to avoid conflicts once and for all. When, after a quarrel, both sides got together, began to communicate and trust each other, then only then is a final settlement of the conflict possible.

Now that we know the main causes of family quarrels, the scenarios for their development, it is necessary to find out

Causes of quarrels and their solution

To begin with, we hasten to assure you that there is not a single family in which quarrels would not have happened: there are families in which they know how to correctly resolve conflicts and know how not to endure “quarrels in public”.
As practice and research show, the causes, or rather the topics of quarrels, are essentially the same, the nuances can be different. In the rest, the full regularity is observed.

Quarrels in the family are inevitable, as this is one of the necessary engines for the development of family relations, without which the family will not develop. Considering this fact, it is worth considering: why not learn how to properly resolve conflicts and put up without bringing your family relationships to a break?
Couples who do not know how to quarrel sooner and later disperse, showing their failure, not realizing that the same will happen in another family. Only if your wife turns out to be smarter than you and will correctly get out of conflicts, you may be able to save the family, as you will learn from her. If not, everything will end in divorce again.
So why create a new relationship if you can show that you are a sane person and are capable of being a role model yourself, and indeed the head of the family.

So, our site love-911 tells you about the causes of quarrels and how to resolve them.

Reasons - topics for quarrels

1. Money.- Most often, this topic for quarrels appears in the first year of marriage.
It arises from the fact that a woman, as a rule, has 75% of the total family budget, which she manages. And, accordingly, he spends, while a man, having 25% and practically not spending it, is perplexed: what was so much money spent on?
Dear men, the question arises: if everything has already been bought by your wife, what should you spend the remaining money on? For the same reason, new conflicts are brewing: who then will control the family budget. And, in general, this problem can go around in circles until the husband and wife learn to trust each other and resolve this conflict correctly.

2. Sex. - This problem occurs, most often, when the emotional connection of the spouses is lost: for a man, sex is a pleasant and necessary pastime. No, of course, all the other feelings that accompany him with his beloved woman: tenderness, love, unity, and so on, are a great addition. For a woman, it is important that there is emotional attachment and meaning from sex. Only then will she continue to want to do it. But, after some time of living together, often couples do not feel an emotional connection: everyone has their own work, their own interests, their own worries. And, the more this word "theirs", the less a woman's desire to have sex.

3. Relatives. - Of course, there are a huge number of jokes about husbands and mothers-in-law among the people, but in fact, it is the wife and mother-in-law who have the greatest number of conflicts. It is the mother-in-law who boasts of her beloved son, who, God forbid, did not iron his shirt, or cooked dinner incorrectly, or even served it at the wrong time. It is from the mother-in-law that the main share of aggravating the situation comes, since her daughter-in-law does not cope with her duties or raises her husband incorrectly. And, unfortunately, this is the case in almost every family. We are not talking about the fact that you have no problems with your mother-in-law, but you do not have so many points of contact with her: it mainly arises when you already have a conflict in your family. And she scolds that you didn’t say so or didn’t do it. Roughly speaking, the mother-in-law exacerbates the problems, but the mother-in-law, as a rule, creates them and does it with great success.

4. Homework. - This is a topic for quarrels in so many families. And they come to this topic sooner or later. Most often, it occurs in those families in which the wife works. At least there it arises fairly. Wives make complaints about the fact that you do not help, do not participate, and do not even appreciate what the wife does. But, unfortunately, this is the way it is. This is taken for granted. And who said that it should be so, that someone owes you something? Of course not. There are rules according to which responsibilities are distributed: less work for a woman, more work for a man; A woman's job is easier, a man's is harder. But for a man, the work is clearer and more understandable, and for a woman it is more painstaking.
Thus, it turns out that with a normal distribution of responsibilities, a man works at work, a woman works at home.
But this does not always work out: a woman also has to work at work. Then part of the household chores automatically passes to the man, which often does not happen. Here are the causes of conflicts.

5. Birth of a child.- This is a new way of life, these are new family relationships and new priorities. Only now women understand this much brighter and deeper than men. Therefore, there are most conflicts in this link. Here, one problem overlaps another and grows like a snowball: new responsibilities, uncertainty, fatigue, misunderstanding, irritability - you can list endlessly and rightly consider that this is a real test for the family.

Here are the main reasons for quarrels, because of which relationships collapse. Everything else - betrayal, leaving the family and more - these are the consequences of the fact that problems are not solved. And, therefore, it will not lead to anything good anyway.

The real causes of quarrels

Almost none of the above reasons is initially a reason for a quarrel. These are already ripened fruits that fall to get rid of them. Before that, flowers first appear, which no one takes seriously.

Namely, the feelings of a wife, which are perceived by a man as "female whims." Well, so be it, but imagine that your whim is the purchase of a certain car that you can afford and for which you have earned, and your wife does not let you buy it (no matter how), but does not give it all. But you can do without a car: there are ground and underground transport, finally, buy a bicycle ... So it is with your perception: you can’t ignore its whims. They must be listened to and accepted as something important, because everyone has their own requirements and everyone wants to be significant. Take her feelings seriously and, if you look at the situation differently, express your point of view, but taking her desires and claims as something important. Then you will discuss the topic in a different way, and she will listen, and not think that you take her seriously. Just discuss and talk to her about it, you don’t need to feel calmer, more confident, and then the conflict resolution is easier.

For example: “A man wrote to us who lamented that his wife was always unhappy with the fact that he came home late from work, did not devote time to her and their daughter at all, and how she did not understand simple truths ...”

He perceived this as a whim, disrespect for him and his work, and in general, apparently, she simply had nothing to do. Accordingly, they not only did not get a conversation. They immediately had a quarrel, because "how is it: he is so busy and so tired, and she with her stupid claims ..." and so on.

The correct way out is to perceive it in such a way that you, of course, work a lot and get tired, but you really devote little time to your wife. And because you are working, no more time is given to her. And, therefore, the output is this: “I really don’t give you much time. It makes me feel bad too, because I have to work so much. What to do, how to be? Maybe change jobs: even less money, but we will be more together .... " for example, yes. You will either come to the conclusion that you need to use every minute and be together, or to some other decision. One thing is clear: now it is a matter of lack of time. Then - this is the loss of understanding, betrayal and the collapse of the family.

How to have a conversation

"Soft Talk"

If you speak softly and confidently, then your wife will listen more to what you say. If you speak nervously and in a raised tone, then the wife focuses on how you speak, without thinking about the meaning of the words, since her nature is to defend herself and she begins to do so.

"Points of contact"

When a wife expresses dissatisfaction, no matter how you agree, you must understand that this is not from scratch. And there is truth in what she says. Find it, do not look for reasons that justify you, listen to the essence of the conflict, taking it seriously. Only then will you be able to resolve the conflict in the bud, preventing it from turning into something more.

"Keep Your Emotions"

If you are not ready to carry on a conversation under the influx of negative emotions, you need to make it clear to your wife. Yes, we understand that many of you will say that you often tried to do this, but it ended in an even bigger scandal. When you walk away from the conversation, you show contempt for your wife, but you need to show concern.
Wrong: “I don’t want to talk now. Talk later".
Right: “I can’t talk because I’m too upset. Give me some time, I'll calm down and talk"
There is a difference, but the meaning is the same.
Thus, if you follow certain rules, and as you see, their principle is elementary - respect, then many problems can be avoided or, at least, resolved easily and calmly, while remaining a loving husband and wife.

Usually, after a conflict or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on relationships, and it is in our power to make sure that, remembering communication with us, loved ones experience mostly positive emotions. It is very important to feel when a person is on the verge or when you yourself can hardly restrain yourself, so that do not throw out the accumulated negativity on the interlocutor. If you nip the scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you later to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, for sure, your opponent will be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.

What is a quarrel

If you turn to Dahl's dictionary, he will give you the quite expected wording that a noisy squabble and mutual hostility should be called a quarrel. We all know what lies behind these words, and the most vivid negative emotions that we experienced when we had a chance to engage in a skirmish with someone immediately pop up in our memories. It is especially unpleasant if such memories are not associated with a saleswoman in a store or a grumpy neighbor but with people close and dear to us. It is important to understand that often the reason for a quarrel is not specifically the topic that turned out to be a stumbling block for the quarreling, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. Usually, people who have experienced some unpleasant emotions the day before or simply feel dissatisfied with something for a long time enter into conflict situations. That is, even if in the end it is possible to resolve the conflict, this is not a guarantee that dissatisfaction with each other will remain in the past. If you often start to have misunderstandings with someone, then look for a deeper reason for this phenomenon.

Common reasons for a fight

1. We don't hear each other Each interlocutor tries to convey his own position, not even allowing the thought that it may be erroneous. Most often, we are so convinced that we are right that we do not try to listen to the arguments of the opponent - we are simply not interested and it does not matter what he will say, and the person, of course, immediately feels it. He puts even more effort into getting his point across, and things start to heat up. In this case, the one who is less flexible in conversation, considering himself right in almost everything, is to blame. 2. We do not want to give in to the dispute and accept someone else's truth. If you want your relationships with loved ones to develop harmoniously, it is important to learn how to compromise. Some people are simply not capable of such a step, considering it a kind of humiliation or personal defeat. In fact, a person who knows how to make concessions, realizing that the issue is not so fundamental and not worth inciting hostility, is very wise. Of course, this does not mean at all that you need to completely forget about your opinion, and agree with opponents in everything, but if the issue is really at the level of everyday life and not beyond the important, then it would be quite reasonable not to spoil your nerves once again. Just calmly say: "You know my opinion, but let it be your way." 3. Resentment, betrayal, jealousy, betrayal

Treason.

Betrayal.

Jealousy.

Grievances.

Why sometimes both friends and girlfriends swear

Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than they are of their other halves. Nevertheless, even old comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often they are caused by the opposite sex. And yet, such a reason often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends and girlfriends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and intrigues, of course, if we are not talking about the love of a lifetime. Often the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some kind of feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and annoy him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being used, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.

Frequent fights with parents

Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overprotective and try to somehow influence their decisions. There may be a downside - an adult son or daughter decides that their parents give them too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is not difficult to understand the parents. Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of the life of a son or daughter simply cannot or do not want to move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they don’t imagine that somehow this can be changed, and they don’t see the point in it at all, because they have “much more life experience”! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not arrange a riot - such behavior is characteristic of unintelligent children, which means that you, unwittingly, have adopted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not dedicate them to details that they do not need to know at all. Sometimes take their advice as grown-ups take the advice of other grown-ups. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you yourself will solve this problem. In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could take more part in your life, rather everything, you are wrong. Do not be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire - to live in their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having matured, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, "give away the best pieces." Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult independent children.

Why Husband and Wife Quarrel

Spouses can have a lot of reasons to sort things out. It does not have to be some serious reason, like treason. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal, and seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which, of course, does not paint them. When conflicts occur at the suggestion of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are subsequently called despots and tyrants. Often spouses quarrel because of dissatisfaction in their sexual life. Husband and wife have different temperaments or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so the marital duty is performed less and less. If this problem appeared in your family, despite the fact that it was not there before, then you need to identify its true causes. A woman may simply not get an orgasm with a man, because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for such behavior. The wife needs to have a serious talk with the chosen one, and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then, most likely, such a marriage is doomed. The man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with the lack of initiative of his wife, considering his intimate life with her insipid and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses, when one of them is no longer satisfied with the appearance of a partner. Many couples would live in perfect harmony, if not for the hated domestic issues. Unwillingness to make concessions to each other and a clear distribution of responsibilities between women and men often lead to big problems in the family. Especially disadvantaged are women who work on a par with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because. If you work, then the distribution of household chores should be equal - whoever managed, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.

Why do kids fight

Most of the quarrels of children are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of the children. Many parents make a big mistake by dividing their children into "older" and "younger", while the demand from the first, as a rule, is always higher. Worst of all, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adulthood, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes rather cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in their upbringing, and only then see their main mistakes. Try not to get into harmless children's fights, taking sides - let the guys learn to decide for themselves their conflicts and reconcile. Try not to make your child jealous of a brother, sister or other children. He must understand that nothing is worse than others. If he wants a toy, “like Petit’s”, for which you don’t have money, offer him an interesting alternative.

How to avoid constant quarrels and stop being offended

If you often take offense at other people, then you must understand that you have a certain problem. Most likely, you have inflated expectations from people, and when they are not met, you feel resentment. Do you feel like someone is being unfair to you? Do not focus on this episode, but after this conversation, consult with a loved one whom you consider a model of wisdom and optimism. Tell him about your situation, and ask for an assessment from the outside. Adequate reaction to the story will help you to consider the situation from a different angle. Of course, you should not seek advice from a person who has a quarrelsome character or is often touchy himself. Also, do not forget that people often offend us in response to our attacks, tactless remarks or offensive hints. Sometimes, we ourselves do not notice how we provoke negative emotions in others, but we react sharply to other people's unpleasant words.

The whole truth is that everyone has their own

Learn to smooth out the thorny moments in a dispute

If you see that the situation is heating up, it is better not to continue to focus on it. In this case, the interlocutors should take a break and calm down a little. To do this, say: "Let's discuss this in a couple of minutes, but for now I wanted to talk to you about this...". Of course, choose a topic that will please both you and your opponent. Returning again to an unpleasant conversation, let your interlocutor express his point of view to the end. Listen carefully and ask clarifying questions. After that, calmly offer to listen to your opinion. Say: “I really want us to understand each other, and resolve this issue without quarrels, because we always understood each other!” Most likely, in the end, you will come to a common decision, and do not exclude in advance that, perhaps, it was you who were initially wrong in the dispute.

It is important to be able to accept the choice and opinion of another person.

Surely, you are convinced that you have the right to your own opinion and are free to make many decisions. Other people think the same way. If you are one hundred percent convinced that a person is wrong, you will not be able to convince him with a scandal or shouting. Speak with the interlocutor in a calm and friendly tone, asking him leading questions that will themselves lead the opponent to the failure of his point of view. If the person still has his own opinion, and you understand that this issue does not have a big impact on your current life (themes about celebrities, important historical events, methods of raising children, etc.), then tell him that you understand his point of view , but you suggest that everyone stay with their own opinion, returning to this conversation a little later.

Learn to express your thoughts and feelings without offending the interlocutor

Even if it seems to you that the person with whom you are talking is carrying some kind of nonsense, this is not at all a reason to get personal and try to offend the interlocutor. By this you prove that you are unable to convey your own opinion to him, having picked up unshakable arguments, and the only thing left for you is to move on to insults. In such a situation, you will show yourself as a nervous and quick-tempered person who finds it difficult to intelligibly express his thoughts without sinking to “market showdowns”. Respect your interlocutor, and most likely you will achieve respect in return. Even if it doesn't, you'll know that you're doing the right thing.

Conflicts that cannot be resolved quickly are so terrifying for many couples that they prefer to avoid them by any means. People consider such quarrels fatal for relationships. And absolutely in vain.

If you manage to talk without getting personal, but without suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them available to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will understand this when the storm is over.

Having survived one fight, you will be less afraid of the next. You will begin to trust your partner and yourself more, knowing that you are quite capable of coping with possible disagreements. As a result, you will not put off difficult conversations with your soul mate until the last. You will understand that it is better not to accumulate negative emotions, but to find out as soon as possible what is wrong.

2. You will feel much better after a fight.

If you manage to express your emotions and let off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and. This will positively affect both your mental health and physical health.

Of course, this does not mean that you need to pour all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it is better to express everything that has boiled up than to keep it inside and wait for everything to form by itself.

Greg Godek, author Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School, believes that the golden rule of ethics rarely works in real quarrels. Too careful talking will get you nowhere. Therefore, sometimes it is better to release all emotions in order to finally figure out what is wrong.

The only rule to follow in quarrels is not to hit your partner and not to throw heavy objects at him. For the rest - go ahead: make noise, slam doors, swear with the last words. Do whatever you feel like it will help.
Greg Godek

3. Partner learns about your thoughts and feelings

No matter how close you are, your partner cannot read your mind. He probably just doesn’t realize how much a topic hurts you.

At the same time, the question arises: how to convey your thoughts to your partner so that he perceives them correctly and is not offended? Especially if it's some kind of claim against him. How not to make him discouraged by your discontent?

Try not to blame, but to talk about your feelings, about how your partner's behavior affects you. Psychologists call these I-statements. For example, you can say, "I'm already fed up with your job." An I-statement that conveys the same idea would be: “I am very upset that you often come home late. I would like to spend more time together."

It is said that quarrels show all our worst features. But they can also bring out our best qualities if we manage the hardest part of them.

4. You will get closer

During fights, you figure out what is important to your partner, what he loves, what he wants, how he builds boundaries, how flexible he is, what hurts him, and what he needs to feel better.

If you quarreled because your soul mate was throwing socks around the apartment, the matter may be completely different. Perhaps the reason lies in respect and personal space, and not accuracy.
Greg Godek

There is another fact that cannot be ignored. After a quarrel, almost any quarrel is worth it. And it will also make you closer to each other. In all senses.

5. You will understand that your soul mate is a separate person.

Quarrels very quickly dispel the illusion that you have already merged into one and achieved complete understanding. Even better if it never happens. So you can get to know each other from new sides all your life.

6. You will get better

You learn to focus on what matters most. On the fact that your soul mate is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. So you become more patient, understanding and caring, learn to truly love.

When you are in the midst of a quarrel, you are clearly not up to fun. You feel disgusting. In a sense, quarrels are like sports training. Is sweating at the gym always fun? No. But this is how you pump your weaknesses.
Greg Godek

To quarrel is to forge a sword out of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.

7. You will realize that you don't have to be perfect.

Fighting shows that you are only human. Sometimes you're in a bad mood, sometimes you're stressed out, and sometimes you're just tired. Accordingly, your relationship cannot be perfect.

All your internal cockroaches, which you are aware or not aware of, will make themselves felt in close relationships. It's unavoidable.

When we fight, our inner children come into play. They are vulnerable and irrational. You seem to be two or three years old again. Therefore, when you are hurt, remember that it is the child who is doing it. To do this, you can keep a childhood photo of your loved one close at hand.
Hedy Schlaifer, licensed counseling psychologist, director of the Center for Relationship Therapy

Use conflict as an opportunity to grow. See fights not as a hindrance, but as an aid to building a healthy relationship.

Conflicts and their constructive resolution are the only way to achieve harmony in a couple. Find out what you can gain if you stop avoiding fights.
1. you will start to trust each other more.
Conflicts that cannot be resolved quickly are so terrifying for many couples that they prefer to avoid them by any means. People consider such quarrels fatal for relationships. And absolutely in vain.

Attention! Only if you manage to talk without getting personal, but at the same time without suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them available to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will understand this when the storm is over.
Having survived one fight, you will be less afraid of the next. You will begin to trust your partner and yourself more, knowing that you are quite capable of coping with possible disagreements. As a result, you will not put off difficult conversations with your soul mate until the last. You will understand that it is better not to accumulate negative emotions, but to find out as soon as possible what is wrong.
2. You will feel much better after a fight.
Thus, if you manage to express your emotions and blow off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and fear. This will positively affect both your mental health and physical health.
Of course, this does not mean that you need to pour all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it is better to express everything that has boiled up than to keep it inside and wait for everything to form by itself.
Greg Godek, author of Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School, says the golden rule of ethics rarely works in real fights. Too careful talking will get you nowhere. Therefore, sometimes it is better to release all emotions in order to finally figure out what is wrong.
The only rule to follow in quarrels is not to hit your partner and not to throw heavy objects at him. For the rest - go ahead: make noise, slam doors, swear with the last words. Do whatever you feel like it will help.
Greg godek.
3. partner learns about your thoughts and feelings.
No matter how close you are, your partner cannot read your mind. He probably just doesn’t realize how much a topic hurts you.
At the same time, the question arises: how to convey your thoughts to your partner so that he perceives them correctly and is not offended? Especially if it's some kind of claim against him. How not to make him discouraged by your discontent?
Try not to blame, but to talk about your feelings, about how your partner's behavior affects you. Psychologists call these I-statements. For example, you might say, "I'm already fed up with your work." I - a statement conveying the same idea would sound like this: "I am very upset that you often come home late. I would like to spend more time together."
It is said that quarrels show all our worst features. But they can also bring out our best qualities if we manage the hardest part of them.
4. you will become closer.
During fights, you figure out what is important to your partner, what he loves, what he wants, how he builds boundaries, how flexible he is, what hurts him, and what he needs to feel better.
In the event that you quarreled because your half scatters socks around the apartment, the matter may be completely different. Perhaps the reason lies in respect and personal space, and not accuracy.
Greg godek.
There is another fact that cannot be ignored. Sex after a quarrel is worth almost any quarrel. And it will also make you closer to each other. In all senses.
5. you will understand that your soul mate is a separate person.
Quarrels very quickly dispel the illusion that you have already merged into one and achieved complete understanding. Even better if it never happens. So you can get to know each other from new sides all your life.
6. you will become a better person.
You learn to focus on what matters most. On the fact that your soul mate is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. So you become more patient, understanding and caring, learn to truly love.
When you are in the midst of a quarrel, you are clearly not up to fun. You feel disgusting. In a sense, quarrels are reminiscent of sports training. Is sweating at the gym always fun? No. But this is how you pump your weaknesses.
Greg godek.
To quarrel is to forge a sword out of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.
7. You will realize that you don't have to be perfect.
Fighting shows that you are only human. Sometimes you're in a bad mood, sometimes you're stressed out, and sometimes you're just tired. Accordingly, your relationship cannot be perfect.
All your internal cockroaches, which you are aware or not aware of, will make themselves felt in close relationships. It's unavoidable.
When we fight, our inner children come into play. They are vulnerable and irrational. You seem to be two or three years old again. Therefore, when you are hurt, remember that it is the child who is doing it. To do this, you can keep a childhood photo of your loved one close at hand. Hedy Schleifer, licensed counseling psychologist, director of the Relationship Therapy Center.

Constant fights in relationships. Why do quarrels arise?

The fact that you are quarreling shows that you care about what happens between you. You still care about each other. Otherwise, you would not react so violently to what is happening, there would be no heat of passion. However, the quarrel also indicates that not everything between you is as perfect and smooth as we would like. There is some problem that is causing the conflict.

A quarrel indicates a change in the situation and that your relationship as a couple is developing. It is the controversial issues and conflict situations that arise between loving people that force them to work together to find a solution to the problem, to try to change and become better in order to keep their love.

Through quarrels that ended in reconciliation and conflicts from which they managed to find a way out together, couples take their relationship to a new level. Such shakes are a kind of test of the strength of feelings for a couple who wants to be together.

Why Relationship Disputes Occur

Sometimes conflict situations can arise if people are already in a bad mood before a quarrel or in a negative state after a working day, exhaustion. Also, the reason for its occurrence may be a lack of understanding on the other hand.

For example, a wife expects her husband to wash the dishes and clear the table after eating, but he does not, a conflict may arise. If the wife is busy and in a good mood, everything will work out, and she herself will be able to remove it, but otherwise it seems to be a trifle, or there may already be a reason or reason for a quarrel.

Conflict situations are almost always caused emotionally. Sometimes in a strong quarrel that started small, hurtful or unpleasant phrases like “I’m sorry I met you!”, “How could I ever let you become a part of my life ?!” Without even noticing, you can express everything that has boiled up and sore for several years. The result is discomfort, the mood of both deteriorates, the nerves are frayed, but there are no conclusions, and this is the worst outcome of the quarrel.

Similar situations can occur in those couples who love each other very much. This kind of quarrel only harms the relationship, and there are practically no results. You can move away from this in different ways: within an hour or after a few weeks. But, unfortunately, the fact of a quarrel can manifest itself after a while. There are certain rules for reducing the quarrel to the minimum damage for both.

1. A quarrel, if it has already arisen, must have a good reason. In the example, one could simply answer: “I don’t like that you don’t wash up after yourself and clear the table.”

2. If there is a mutual deviation from the topic of the quarrel, it is better to stop doing it.

3. It’s definitely not worth pointing out the shortcomings, for example, with the words “Sloppy, inattentive, frivolous”, because the problem is being discussed, and not the character of the person.

4. It is worth considering that if cleanliness is important to one person, it may not be so important to another.

5. Under no circumstances should you be frightened by a short departure from the apartment because a trifle can cause a divorce.

It is impossible to live life without quarrels. We fight with friends, parents and partner. There is nothing wrong with conflict, for it often leads to a solution to problems and clears the atmosphere: "After a thunderstorm, the sun always comes." It is important, however, to be able to argue constructively, that is, to conduct an open, honest discussion, without shouting and violence.

But how to argue calmly when negative emotions are “torn from within us”?

A quarrel at the beginning gives rise to anger, disagreement with the current situation. You should not suppress bad emotions in yourself, because in the end they will find a way out and break out with a vengeance at the least opportune moment.

Suppressed anger is a destructive force that carries a large energy charge. This energy can, however, be channeled into creative and beneficial activities, such as when you feel anger getting the better of you, go for a run in the park, clean your house, shake your carpets, go to the pool. Do something to keep anger from ruining your relationship.

At the beginning of the development of a relationship, it is impossible to predict everything, so men and women face various difficulties. It seems that everything is fine, but after a few days, misunderstandings, disputes, and then scandals begin. This is due to the fact that all people are different, and in relations with another person, one has to reckon with his desires and principles.

But not everyone is used to putting up, giving in and understanding, so already at the beginning of a relationship there are quarrels. Sometimes this ends with reconciliation and the realization of mistakes by each of the partners, but it also happens that couples break up. In this case, much depends on the woman herself, who can approach the situation as competently and wisely as possible. Terminating a relationship is much easier than coming up with a strategy for communicating with your loved one and finding mutual understanding with him. If you want to solve the problem, not run away from it, then check out the recommendations below.

Why do fights happen at the beginning of a relationship?

Many people wonder why there are quarrels at the very beginning of a relationship, and how long they will last. In fact, this is quite normal, because two completely different people want to start a life together. Do not forget that men and women are very different both in appearance and in thinking, so you should not hope that your loved one will perfectly understand you in everything.

First, pay attention to the fact that at the beginning of the relationship there is a grinding of characters, so in this case quarrels are inevitable. Someone conflicts very little, and someone cannot understand the partner, as a result of which quarrels occur. For example, you like to take a hot bath, and your boyfriend likes a refreshing cool shower.

In this case, the question arises regarding the purchase of plumbing, so sometimes you need to look for the most acceptable options for two. For many, quarrels occur exclusively at the initial stage of the relationship, because then people get used to each other and soberly evaluate all the pros and cons. If this person is perfect for you, then after a short amount of time you will find a common language and stop quarreling over trifles. If nothing changes between you, think about whether the person next to you is the same.

Perhaps end the relationship because of a quarrel?

It often happens that there is simply no strength left to endure a loved one, and parting seems to be the only logical option. This is a completely logical solution to the problem, but have you ever thought about what is the probability that everything will not be exactly the same with another man? Psychologists say that in order for the relationship between a man and a woman to be of high quality and normal, it is necessary to wait out the initial stage. But many do not have enough patience, which leads to parting.

Try not to pay attention to quarrels and scandals for a certain time, wait until the relationship between you normalizes. Do not forget that you can end the relationship at any time convenient for you. If you want to meet or live with your former lover again, then it is unlikely that everything will be the same for you. Try to go through this difficult stage for both of you, because if you want to be together, you will have to learn how to deal with difficulties. In this case, you should not listen to your mother or friends, because they do not know all the features of the relationship between you, and their advice will only confuse you.

How to deal with quarrels in a new relationship?

If you do not know how to stop endless quarrels and scandals, try to find the most alternative methods. For example, stop trying to prove anything to your partner. It may be an argument about who is cooking dinner today, or maybe you want your loved one to stop showing his softness in certain life situations. Therefore, first of all, you will need to work on yourself.

As soon as you develop in yourself a reluctance to argue, you will notice that the man has also ceased to prove his case. Do not allow yourself to raise your voice, because this raises a huge wall between you. Discuss any misunderstanding in a quiet, calm voice, trying to find a compromise.

Learn to respect other people's space. Even before starting a relationship, each of you had freedom, personal interests and hobbies that made you happy. After people create couples, there is a desire to control a partner and independently choose joint leisure. You should not do this, because in this way you will violate the feeling of inner comfort in your loved one and provoke a new quarrel.

Try to understand that a happy relationship is the ability to love, understand and appreciate a partner and his interests, regardless of your mood or principles. When you want to do something, focus on how you would like your loved one to treat you.

In every family, problems arise and conflict situations often occur. This is due to the fact that all people are different and sometimes thoughts about this or that do not coincide. This is how conflict arises. If this is familiar to a married couple, one should not be discouraged that the family is breaking up. Conflicts are normal and it is worth worrying if they are not, because this means that people accumulate all the negative energy and keep it in themselves. In this case, sooner or later, emotions will come out and everything will end pretty badly.

There are many positive aspects to family conflicts. Firstly, quarrels teach spouses to be patient with each other, to listen to the opinion of their soul mate, so after a surge of emotions, spouses become calmer.

Secondly, family quarrels further strengthen the relationship between spouses. If a husband and wife often quarrel, then this is a sign that their feelings have not cooled down yet, they still love each other and are not indifferent to the problems of their soul mate. A quarrel teaches you to analyze your behavior, your character and improve as a person.

Also, a family conflict helps to solve the problem, because of which the quarrel began. If the problem is not discussed, it will not go anywhere. Therefore, the dialogue, albeit in a raised voice, is better.

But there are also a number of negative aspects to the quarrel. Very often family quarrels are advertised. This is a huge mistake, because the family is a separate planet where there is no place for strangers. Family conflicts must take place within the family, and no one has the right to poke their nose into it.

Sometimes it happens that witnesses of marital scandals are children. This should never be allowed. Firstly, the child forms a bad opinion about his parents, and secondly, this is a very negative psychological factor.

Often in a quarrel, a wife or husband can offend their soul mate. This is another negative side of family conflicts. It can be very difficult to control oneself at such moments, but it is simply necessary to do it, because insults spoken in the hearts can hurt a lot and be remembered.

In a quarrel, you should not compare your soul mate with someone you know. This is a big mistake that forms certain complexes in a person, and can also cause more than one conflict.

Be that as it may, you should always think about your soul mate, respect and love her, then the family will be strong and no quarrels will destroy it.

and. quarrel, disagreement, contention, quarrel, (quarrel), quarrel, enmity, goats, disagreements, discord, hostility, discord, nonsense; opposite sex peace, harmony, friendship, harmony. Quarrels and strife, quarrels and intrigues. Wherever he comes, he will start a quarrel. He is at odds with everyone. We are in a quarrel with him, we do not bow. Every quarrel of the world is washed down. Quarreling does not lead to good. Quarrel in his family before the first sight. Children for toys, queens (for them) in a quarrel. | See also litter and litter. Quarrelsome, relating to a quarrel. Quarrelsome, quarrelsome, quarrelsome, quarrelsome. -vost, property is. To quarrel with whom, to settle discord, to be the cause of someone's quarrel, disagreement, disagreement. - with whom, to reckon with, to scold, to quarrel, to cook, to discord, to be at enmity. God forbid to quarrel, but God forbid and put up! They quarreled over trifles. The whole family quarreled. We quarreled all evening. They quarreled and separated. Quarrel cf. action verbally, quarrel. A quarrel, a quarrel who quarrels others or generally excites, incites quarrels. And he sends to the prison, Vasily, led thieves and ears and quarrels, Acts.

There are many ways to avoid constant quarrels in a relationship, but do we always use such advice? Constant fights in a relationship are not normal. If you see that the quarrels do not stop, then you should take a look at the suggested ways to stop this eternal struggle and start enjoying each other's company again. Remember that most quarrels arise when there is a misunderstanding.

1. Don't bring up the past

This is a huge step, and you just need to learn it. I would say that this is a key point if you want to stop constant quarrels. Stop bringing up the past! The past is the past, and the more you remember, the more quarrels will arise. Memories often evoke a lot of old emotions, and this will never work well for our current relationship.

2. Don't leave questions unresolved

I know that this is difficult, and you have probably heard about it more than once, but until the problem is solved and you feel resentment or anger, you should not go to bed with these emotions. This can make both of you even more offended, and the quarrel will drag on for a long time. Why not solve the problem before going to bed, or at least talk about it so that both feel better?

3. Learn to accept each other

Everyone in this world has its own shortcomings that you will have to face and put up with some of them. You have to accept each other for who you are. Your boyfriend never comes home with a bouquet of flowers and your girlfriend is constantly whining, but this is something you need to learn to accept.

4. Find the root of the problem

Every quarrel has its beginning and its root. If you find out what is the reason for this quarrel, then you can solve this problem and get rid of unnecessary quarrels. It won't be easy, but it's worth it!

5. Own yourself

One of my biggest problems is that when I start arguing, I lose control of myself and can't stop. It's hard to admit you're wrong, or take the blame. However, do it at least once. After all, this is the right decision that will make your partner appreciate you even more.

6. Ban on "But"

“But if you did this”, “but if you did that”, enough of this “but”, remove it from your vocabulary and forget that it exists. I used to use this “but” very often, and as soon as I got rid of it, all the quarrels stopped lasting so long. So curb your tongue!

7. Is it a recurring "performance"?

This and the same question constantly pops up, and every time a quarrel is started? The same thing over and over again? You didn't think it was a sign? If your quarrel revolves around one specific issue, why not sit down and calmly discuss everything and stop constantly quarreling over the same issue forever?

8. Remember it's important

Finally, never forget that your relationship is very important and should be cherished. After all, you are together for a reason. It's hard to remember this when you're fighting, but it's so important!

Constant quarrels with a guy. Instruction

1. Stop fighting with your loved one is much easier than it might seem. For starters, take preventive measures. To stop arguing with a guy, learn how to have a constructive dialogue. Learn to listen and hear your loved one, as well as explain your position without getting personal, without giving vent to your emotions. Teach your boyfriend the same.

2. To stop fighting with a guy, be willing to compromise. It is impossible to have the same point of view on all issues, and the interests of lovers will not always coincide. Therefore, the search for a third option that will suit both lovers can be a good way out of any conflict situation.

3. Stop quarreling with your loved one, learning to discuss problems and compromise will be easier. But sometimes emotions literally overwhelm, not allowing you to think carefully about the strategy of behavior. If you're ready to lash out at your boyfriend, try to get your emotions under control. Try the deep slow breathing technique, count to ten. During this time, emotions will subside a bit, and you will be able to understand that a calm discussion will give you much more than shouting and mutual reproaches.

4. You can stop quarreling with a guy if you sometimes let him cool down. If you have learned to control your emotions, then your boyfriend may not have such a skill. If this is the case, and your loved one starts up "with a half turn", let him cool his ardor. Sometimes it is helpful to move the conversation to another topic. By letting go of emotions, you will be able to resolve your problems much more effectively.

5. To stop fighting with your loved one, learn to switch and joke around. Psychologists have proven that humor and aggression are incompatible. Once you start laughing, you will no longer be able to quarrel with each other. And when you calm down, you can move on to discussing the situation. Sometimes instead of humor, you can use tenderness and affection. No guy can resist such a weapon in female hands.

note

After some time of "correct" behavior, lovers get used to this order of things. If at first such communication is difficult, then, over time, you will be better able to use these skills in resolving your conflicts.

Helpful advice

If a fight does occur, apologize to each other. And after a while, try to solve the problem in a calm environment.