Divorce through the eyes of a child. How to maintain normal relationships in a broken family? How to explain to a child that parents are getting divorced: advice from a psychologist A story about divorce through the eyes of a child of 6 years

In psychotherapy there is a method of treatment with the help of literature - bibliotherapy. Like many concepts from psychology, over time, bibliotherapy has penetrated into everyday life. She changed her name to a simpler one - book therapy - and lost touch with real psychotherapeutic practices. Book therapy is now a way to cheer yourself up. For example, reading "Baby Nicolas" by Rene Gossini in a depressive period. This is a parent's assistant in a difficult conversation with a child. For example, about death - as in Amelie Fried's book "Is grandfather in a suit?". This is, in general, any case when the book supports the reader and helps him.

I don’t want to write a phrase that the divorce of parents or your own divorce is a difficult situation. Because it's clear to everyone. My parents divorced when I was in my first year. Before that, they lived in different cities for four years. And still I had the feeling that someone took out the intestines from me and jumped on them. And when my mother had a new man, although I was already a dofiga adult, I experienced the strongest childish jealousy. At first, I behaved like teenagers from TV shows - defiantly silent, slamming doors. I experienced rage alternately with my father, then with my mother. Horror.

I can not say that the books have accelerated or facilitated the process of adaptation. But they were close. When I saw that book teenagers behave in exactly the same way, I, firstly, understood that this was normal, and secondly, I looked at myself from the side and realized how stupid I looked. I wasn't even 12 anymore.

I wrote a list of six books that deal with divorce. They can be read to children (and adults) whose parents have decided to divorce, as well as to moms and dads who have decided to divorce themselves. And you can also read just like that, not for therapy, but for pleasure.

For the little ones

Ed Frank - Princess Anna

A book with large beautiful illustrations that can be read by very young children and younger students. Princess Anna's parents decided to disperse, they divided the country and the palace in half and are now engaged in the division of Anna. The divorce did not go amicably - the king and queen spy on each other, get angry and swear, trying to drag the child to their side. Anna in this situation has the hardest time of all - because she loves both parents equally.

In the end, parents find an opportunity to coexist peacefully. Anna lives alternately with the king, then with the queen - in each palace Anna has her own room. This situation is more familiar to Western readers; joint custody is not common in Russia. We have a more familiar scheme of Sunday parenthood. Nevertheless, this detail does not make the book less universal.

Ute Krause - Princesses and Robbers

The new CompassGuide is also suitable for preschoolers and older children. She talks about the situation when divorced parents have new families. Of course, for children, such changes can be very difficult. But the illustrations, done with great humor, as well as a happy ending, remove any gloom from the book.

In both books, divorce did not arise from scratch - long before him, parents began to quarrel often and even throw objects.

Both books are suitable for toddlers, but not designed for independent reading - the font is quite small. This is done intentionally, books on this topic must be read with adults. And for adults, they will be no less useful than for children. Obviously, for parents, this event is also not easy. And books, on the one hand, show this, and on the other hand, remind parents that it is in their power to significantly reduce the destructive effects of divorce. And the main thing to do here is to make peace with your ex-partner, not to hold a grudge and not be jealous of your own child.

No matter how hard it is for parents, it is always harder for children, because the whole world of a child lies in his family. Books explain to readers that what is happening in their family is not a new situation for this world, and even quite familiar. The very realization of this fact can be psychotherapeutic.

What else is good - a happy ending, but not a fabulous one - the parents do not converge back. Every child will dream of everything becoming as before, but it will not be like before. But this does not mean that there will be no happiness in the future.

For those who are older

Ulf Stark - Let the polar bears dance

Young children may not understand all the difficult situations that come with divorce. But for older children, the reason for the parents' divorce may be obvious, and this makes the process even more difficult. So, in the book “Let the polar bears dance,” the hero’s mother leaves his father for another man. And Lasse is the first to find out about her mother's secret affair, accidentally bumping into her and her boyfriend in the store. It later turns out that his mom is expecting a baby, and of course the whole thing comes as a big blow to Lasse's father.

Young children cannot choose which parent they want to live with. But Lasse is already an adult, and he has to make this difficult choice entirely on his own. He decides to live with his mother's new family because he doesn't want to be around his heartbroken father.

This book, like many preteen books, is still closer to fairy tale than reality, but it doesn't lie about the emotions that both children and parents experience. Children are jealous of their parents for their new partners. Emotions prevent them from objectively assessing reality and building healthy relationships with a new family. They look for flaws in people, sometimes imaginary, and concentrate their attention on them.

“He always offered tea. I can't stand it."

The situation is complicated by the fact that the mother's new husband has a daughter, Lollo. And she is also unhappy with the changes in her life. Moreover, she begins to be jealous of her father for Lasse, because he spends too much time with the boy - he pulls him up in school subjects. This results in an ugly scene, after which, surprisingly, it gets better.

“Haven't you finished yet? she asked as if we'd been sitting at the textbook all night long.

Hello, - Torstenson muttered, not taking his eyes off the book.

It's nice to feel that you're welcome," Lollo quipped.

What did you say? asked Torstenson.

She sat down at the piano against the opposite wall and began to strum. She did it great! She fiddled with black and white keys<…>and at the same time desperately pressed the pedals. I didn't hear Thorstenson's questions anymore."

At the end of the book, adults realize that what is happening is their fault, and begin to pay more attention to their children. And Lasse makes another courageous choice.

Ulf Stark has a penchant for showing girls through a boyish lens. He does not bother to describe the minor heroines in detail; their family, their interests, and often even their appearance (unlike the boy heroes) remains a mystery to us. The heroines play the role of "companions" - these are small Beautiful Ladies, whose role is to illuminate the world of the knight. There is another view of girls (and it is not yet known which is better) - that they are eccentric and unpredictable creatures. An example here is Lasse's half-sister Lolo. In this case, many episodes, often humorous, are connected in one way or another with the sexuality of the heroine. And girls don't necessarily find this humor funny. I just warned.

Katherine Paterson - Park Journey

This book describes a situation that most children whose parents are divorcing will think “I have nothing yet.” Eleven-year-old Park's father died in Vietnam. And this, perhaps, is all that the boy knows about him, because his mother flatly refuses to talk about his father. She doesn't seem to have recovered from her loss.

“There were days, most days, when she (mother) was nice and fun. But behind all her jokes, that same coldness, darkness, the bottomless heart of darkness was felt.

But Park doesn't want to and can't stop thinking about dad. And although the mother is still not ready to discuss this topic herself, she sends the boy for two weeks to his father's relatives. And there Park finds out that his parents were divorced when his father died:

You didn't know that she and Park got divorced?

The boy's throat caught. He couldn't answer even if his life depended on it. Divorced? Such a thought had never crossed his mind. When? Why? Why didn't she tell him? Doesn't he have a right to know such things?

And at the first moment the boy decides that his father divorced not only his mother, but also him. But his father's brother Frank reassures him, saying: You not divorced. Your parents are divorced." Later, Park finds out the reason for the divorce - his father met a woman in Vietnam and they had a child. And Park's mother was never able to forgive her husband's betrayal. However, it seems to me that a young educated woman who cannot survive treason for 12 years is some kind of exaggerated image.

Be that as it may, in life there are often stories when a single parent does not want to tell the child about the departed father or mother. This can be explained by jealousy or trauma. But the book "Wanderings of the Park" is good because it shows that a child has the right to know his parent, even if he was not a saint. And it is better for him to learn about the bad sides of his father or mother from a parent than from a barely familiar person. So this book, like the previous ones, is addressed to adults too. The best way to look at yourself from the outside is to see the situation through the eyes of a child.

Siobhan Parkinson - Sisters? no way!

The action of the book takes place in Ireland, where until recently not only abortions were banned, but also divorces (divorces have already been allowed, it's up to abortions). But Ashley and Alva's father still managed to somehow legally divorce the girls' mother. Ashley, the main character in the first half of the book, is not very upset by this fact. Moreover, four years have passed since the event. But it was immediately easier for her, because, firstly, she is older. And secondly, she was never her father's favorite daughter.

“Dad took Alva in his arms and lifted him high, high, slightly tossing him near the ceiling.<…>At that time, I was sitting at my desk in the corner, which once served as a school desk, and watched them. After some time, he must have remembered that I was somewhere nearby, and came up to me, holding a cheerfully chirping little Alva in his arms, stroking my head and saying something kind, but meaning nothing.

Ashley is generally too wise and reasonable for her fourteen years. She took on several adult roles to help her mother. Her younger sister Alva, on the contrary, is infantile. And she is very hard going through the distance of her father. After every meeting and every call, she cries for a long time in bed.

“When we were smaller, we went to my father every weekend, then once a month, and now we see each other no more than two or three times a year. He loves to brag about us and take us with him to show his friends.
- You know, these are my daughters from my first marriage!
I don't like being a child from my father's past life. I sometimes feel that he sees us only because it is necessary, since we are his children.

In the center of the book is the new relationship of the girls' mother. The situation itself is not easy, but the laws of Ireland make it even more difficult. Ashley and Alva's father is unhappy that his ex-wife has found herself another. He threatens to take away the girls, and he has every chance to win this trial. Meanwhile, Ashley and Alva deal with life changes in different ways. Ashley tries to side with her mother, although she is jealous and annoyed. Alva, on the other hand, throws tantrums, which boil down to one selfish thought - a mother should not violate the comfort of her daughters:

“But you're not trying to do the best for all of us. You just do what you want."

There is no perfect ending in the book, but all the characters take a step towards accepting the new situation. The idea that moms and dads also have the right to privacy and personal happiness comes first and overshadows resentment and jealousy. And this is a natural process.

There are dubious points in this book too, which I want to warn about in advance. Everyone calls Bob, Ashley's boyfriend, a great guy. However, he breaks up with Ashley due to her sharing her feelings about her mother's affair with him.

“I tried to explain my condition to Bob, but this time he was angry and upset, and I probably deserved such an attitude. He said that I was using it to relieve my emotional problems, and I had nothing to say to that. He said it right, it's true."

Supporting a partner in a difficult situation is an absolutely necessary part of a relationship. And when Bob got bad grades in his exams, Ashley was by his side. But Bob was not ready to turn his shoulder to his girlfriend. And for some reason, none of the heroes took it as a weakness.

Bob later starts a relationship with another heroine in the book. And they start in a very strange way. After a fleeting acquaintance, the girl was going to get on the bus, took out money from her bag:

“Suddenly Robbie, the younger of the two guys, the one I liked more, grabbed my shoulders hard. It flashed through my head that they were ordinary thieves, the kind that rip off bags on the streets.
I instinctively clutched the bag to me and was already opening my mouth to scream, but then Robbie kissed me, not letting me come to my senses.

To suddenly grab a girl and kiss her is not romantic behavior, but harassment. It's a pity that this idea is not reflected in the book, and Bob is shown as a guy who is worth dating.

Anastasia Maleyko - My mother loves the artist

Maleiko's book is not about divorce, but about a mother's quarrel with her new man. The divorce of Lina's parents happened a long time ago, and the girl does not have hard feelings about this, largely because her dad continues to communicate with her. Lina sees that as a result of the divorce, everyone only benefited, including herself:

“Still, it’s good that my parents divorced. Now I have two families, but there was only one.”

Over time, I also came to understand that my mother is much better in a new relationship, so this moment is close to me.

“I came out with a package warm from pancakes. The yard is covered in leaves and beer bottles. I walk and feel with my back how my father froze in the window with his Evgenia. Still, it's good that they found each other. Now, probably, Griboyedov or Joyce will start talking again. They will throw quotes at each other and drink tea with raspberries. Maybe that's what happiness is."

As the name implies, Lina's mother falls in love with an artist, and Lina is faced with the usual feelings in this case - jealousy, distrust, fear of global changes in life. But they pass, somehow even too easily for a teenager. The girl sees her mother's new partner for who he is - and not through the crooked glass of jealousy. He admits that he is handsome, funny and, in general, normal.

Linul, she (grandmother) says plaintively.

Well, you could tell at least like a mother. How are they there, with the artist, huh?

Yes, it seems normal, - I say, and for some reason I sigh too.

Fine. Everything is always fine with you. What kind of person is he, do you know?

Normal. - Grandmother looks at me like a fan at a goalkeeper - with hope and faith.

Well, good man, bab. Do not worry.

At the time of the quarrel between the mother and the artist, Lina takes on the role of a ferryman from Alla Pugacheva's song and unites loving hearts.

The book states rather strange views on the role of women in romantic relationships. So, one of the heroines, the talented pianist Kira, promised a long time ago to quit her career if her lover survived. He survived and married her best friend, while the pianist Kira did not abandon her vow and became a music teacher.

“I once asked my mother: did Kira never regret that she had abandoned her career as a pianist then? Mom said, of course not. And that everyone on earth has a choice, and that this is not a sacrifice, but ordinary love. And that love is more important than music.

"Twilight" rest.

Or here is what Kira thinks about what professions are suitable for women:

“In general, business is not a woman's business,” Kira adds. "It's better to be a math teacher."

In general, the book comes across places that will appeal to the champions of traditional values. Children, on the other hand, should read them with a critical eye, so as not to be fascinated by their unsympathetic and categorical ideas following sympathetic heroes.

These books tell different stories. But they are all about one thing: divorce is not the end of the world. This is a perfectly normal practice that ultimately makes people happier. And although this is a difficult experience, it does not necessarily result in injury. And in cases where one of the parents is an abuser, he will also save you from injury.

Child and parental divorce

Divorce through the eyes of a child

Divorces, unfortunately, happen quite often these days. According to statistics, every seventh child today is brought up in an incomplete family. In the process of parting, partners do not always manage to remain cool and calm. At the moment of stress, a person loses the ability to think adequately and make the right decisions. Spouses overwhelmed with negative emotions very often forget about the third party of a divorce - their child. Whatever the age of the child, the divorce of parents is almost always perceived hard. Divorce for a child is not a legal fact of divorce. Divorce begins with the beginning of parental quarrels and ends with the moment of parting. The shorter this path is, the easier it will be for the child to survive this.

With whom the child will remain after the divorce, as a rule, the parents decide on their own, without resorting to the help of the court. Many believe that until the age of ten, a child cannot decide for himself which parent he should live with. But most psychologists believe that a child, even at a younger age, is able to make the right decision for himself.

There are cases when the psychological trauma received by a child in the process of divorce is so severe that he needs the help of a specialist. But most often they do without medical intervention.

Do not think that the child is still too small , therefore, does not understand what is happening in the family. If quarrels and showdowns between parents took place in his presence, then by the time of the divorce, he is already aware of the events. If the child does not fully understand something, then the parents themselves, and not the doctor, should explain it to him. Do not deceive him, give deliberately false information. Talk to him honestly, explain that from now on, mom and dad will live separately. Both parents must take part in the conversation. Do not place all the blame or responsibility on any one parent. This is bad for a child going through a parental separation. He may develop a complex of his guilt for what is happening, or he will begin to blame one of the parents for the divorce.

It is necessary to tell the child that the parents decided to divorce in such a way that he can independently draw certain conclusions for himself. The most important thing is that he feels. that divorce will not affect the attitude of parents towards him. Divorce shouldn't ruin a child's life. And of course you can not use it as a manipulation of each other.

In the eyes of the child, the divorce of the parents should look like a mutual desire to change their lives for the better, as the only acceptable way out of a critical situation for everyone. Divorce should not be a tragedy for the baby. He should not see the parents' hatred for each other, hostility, suffering. The child should see after the divorce only business partnerships aimed at educating him. Conflicts, quarrels, proceedings, showdowns, division of property should remain out of sight of the child. Divorce for him should be only a break in love relations between spouses, and not depriving him of one of his parents.

Most often, according to statistics, children after a divorce remain to live with their mothers. But no matter how good, caring and loving the mother is, the child still needs a father. In his love, in his care, his participation in the life of a child. Do not neglect his feelings, no matter how hard it may be for you. For a child, it is no less difficult. Do not drag the baby into your war, do not make him a hostage to your family conflicts. There are times when a child has been an instrument of manipulation in parental relationships for years. It is not uncommon for parents to completely stop contacting each other after a divorce. Sometimes mothers forbid the ex-spouse to see the child. Sometimes the fathers themselves, when divorcing their wives, divorce their children at the same time. The kid very often asks questions in such cases: “Where did dad go?”, “When dad will return to us?”, “Why doesn’t dad come to me?” It is hard to live in an incomplete family, one mother has to solve financial issues, equip new housing, later a stepfather may appear in the family. No matter how the child lives before the divorce, it is still stressful for him, breaking the usual stereotypes. If for parents it is a chance to start a new life from scratch, then for a child it is a severe psychological trauma. Children rarely fully accept the divorce of their parents and put up with it, especially if the new conditions do not suit them. The child hopes for a long time that dad will return soon and they will live happily together again.

If the divorce of the parents occurs when the child three to twelve years old , it is perceived especially sharply. A child can hide his feelings and emotions, but it is very difficult for him. If the father leaves the family, then the baby begins to feel abandoned, abandoned, in connection with this, he may develop an inferiority complex and self-doubt, which will entail another difficulty in communicating with peers. The child begins to take offense at the parent who left the family.

If a girl grows up in a family without a father, this resentment may result in man-hatred in the future. The image of a father who deceived and abandoned her mother with a child in her arms will be subconsciously projected onto all men. It is very difficult to change this setting.

In order for a child to grow up as a full-fledged person, to create his own family, he must see before him an example of a normal relationship between a man and a woman. Otherwise, it will be difficult for him to navigate life when he becomes an adult. He will not form gender-role socialization.

Sometimes mothers after a divorce, disappointed in the relationship, decide to devote their entire lives to the child. They surround him with care and love, while starting to overprotect him. As a result, without realizing it, the mother suppresses an independent personality in the child. A spoiled egoist grows out of a child, absolutely not adapted to life, who cannot take a single step without a mother.

Such behavior towards the boy can lead to two consequences: either he resigns himself and accepts maternal custody, growing up as an infantile sissy, or he tries to resist her and surrounds himself with a not quite worthy male company.

The opposite approach to parenting, which is practiced by single mothers, is excessive cruelty towards the child.

Fearing to spoil the baby, they begin to limit him in everything and punish him for the slightest misconduct. At the same time, if the child is in contact with the father, his remarks are perceived precisely as remarks, and all the mother's words are perceived as dislike for the child. The most trifling disagreements lead to personal conflicts. It is necessary to choose the style of upbringing and behavior thoughtfully and carefully.

Features of experiencing divorce depending on the age of the child

Most often, parents face the question of when and in what form to inform the child about the fact that they have decided to get a divorce. It is better if the parents come to a consensus and together talk about the need for a divorce. Innuendo scares children. They begin to suspect that something terrible is happening, come up with incredible stories that only add to the tension.

Of course, parents should think about the feelings of their children, but they must be determined and tell the truth. At a younger age the child is inclined to take the blame for many tragedies that occur in the family. It seems to him that his parents are arguing because he behaves badly, studies poorly, etc. Sincerity and clarity will allow parents to reduce the child's sense of guilt. Explaining to the child the reason why they decided to divorce, you need to take into account his age and level of psychological development. On this depends his ability to realize and accept what is happening. The best solution is to give him an honest and easy to understand explanation of what is happening.

What and how you tell your child in this situation will determine the further relationship between you, your child and your ex-spouse. Lying in this case is highly discouraged. If the baby does not know where his father suddenly disappeared, this can lead to terrible consequences. He may decide that dad is dead, and will grieve about this. However, the child does not need to know the whole truth. . The reason for divorce can be not only disagreements on domestic issues, but also cheating spouses. For young children, this can be a tragedy, traumatizing his psyche. The older the child, the more information about the true reasons for divorce can be given to him. If he is very small, a baby, he still doesn’t know how to talk properly, then you shouldn’t try to explain something to him at all. Wait until he grows up and starts asking questions about his father. Then you will tell.

A child under the age of seven can simply be told that dad will now live separately, but he will be able to see him whenever he wants. Naturally, both parents must confirm this. If the father is not going to communicate with the child, then there is no need to deceive him. A teenager who already understands a lot can say a lot, but, again, you should not give information that would humiliate the dignity of one of the parents. A teenager already knows what love is, he knows something about relationships with the opposite sex, so he will be able to understand that his parents have cooled off feelings for each other, although he will not be very pleased to hear this.

Unfortunately, mutual grievances of spouses against each other quite often pour out on children. You can often hear from younger students: dad is bad, so my mom and I kicked him out of the house. It is clear that the child did not come up with it himself. Here is the position of the offended mother. Separate your relationship with each other from your relationship with your child. You stopped being husband and wife, but you didn't stop being mom and dad. The child should not lose his vision of the future. He must clearly understand how his relationship with his parents will develop in the future. No matter how old the child is, he wants to know that even after the divorce, his parents still continue to love him and he can always count on their help and support.

Do not devote the child to the details . He does not have to know who, to whom, when and how many times he cheated. This kind of information humiliates a devoted spouse, so such facts should be kept silent. Although, most likely, the question "Why?" may not follow. Most children accept circumstances as fact.

It seems to you that a divorce will bring both you and your spouse the opportunity to start a new harmonious life, since living together has become unbearable. You've thought of everything. agreed that it would only be better for everyone. But for young children, the divorce of their parents can be the strongest childhood shock, even if the parents constantly quarreled and cursed during the marriage. Whatever the circumstances of the divorce, they will somehow affect the behavior of the child. Preschoolers begin to show excessive tearfulness, act up, refuse to play with other children. Any dissatisfaction can result in hysteria. In schoolchildren, the psychological stress associated with divorce can manifest itself as academic failure, manifestation of aggressiveness, increased conflict with teachers and peers. In children experiencing a divorce of their parents, the ability to adapt is reduced, therefore, in transitional moments, it is better not to injure the child and wait a bit. Children show their protest against the life changes that divorce entails in different ways. Some openly rebel, for some it proceeds in a hidden form.

The younger the child, the harder he experiences this condition. It seems to many parents that while the children are still small, they do not understand much, so they will not suffer much. They believe that if the child is under 13 years old, then divorce will not cause them severe psychological trauma. However, psychologists have shown that this is not the case. Just teenagers are the easiest to survive parental divorces, despite the difficult transitional age. This is explained by the fact that a teenager seeks to gain independence at this age. He is somewhat moving away from his parents, he has new interests, new acquaintances, perhaps his first love. He is fascinated by a new adult life, entering a university, and he somewhat distances himself from his parents, realizing that they are adults, so they can cope without his participation.

Even easier to relate to the divorce of parents first-year students . They are completely absorbed by student life, new acquaintances, so a divorce for them is quite easy. Many parents, given the peculiarities of adolescence, are afraid to get divorced, as they expect too sharp a reaction from a teenager.

They are afraid that this news will cause severe psychological trauma to the student, that he may drop out of school and generally commit many irreparable acts, so they postpone the divorce.

But here they are wrong. A teenager is already old enough to understand the desires of his parents and accept them. He is quite capable of adequately assessing the circumstances that push parents to take this step. He is much more concerned about the psychological climate in the family, when parents are constantly in conflict with each other.

Don't fool your teenager. If you have decided to divorce, then you must not only inform, but consult with him as an equal. Then he will surely be able to understand you and calmly accept your decision. However, try to protect the teenager from the showdown scene. This only applies to you and your spouse.

Psychologists note that the child's perception of the news of the parents' divorce is influenced not only by age, but also by gender. Girls are much less likely to show demonstrative forms of protest against divorce than boys. They tend to carry in themselves all the experiences about this, but, nevertheless, certain external signs of stress also appear in them. Violations of adaptive abilities can serve as an indicator of acute experiences: working capacity may decrease, the girl begins to tire quickly, does not want to communicate with her peers, becomes irritable and tearful. Complaints about well-being also serve as a signal for a mental disorder. If a girl begins to complain about her health, then most likely she seeks to attract the attention of her parents in order to unite them with common feelings about her, or to make sure that they still love her. With all this, girls can play with other children in the yard, have fun playing, running and jumping as if nothing is happening. In fact, the child at this moment is not pretending. She really feels it all.

Most of the girls who survived the divorce of their parents in childhood, in adulthood, begin to feel unreasonably worried, anxious, suffer from constant depression, and are afraid of betrayal and betrayal in relations with the opposite sex.

Boys, as a rule, show demonstrative behavioral disorders that are obviously provocative. They may begin to commit deviant acts: they begin to steal, run away from home, swear, fight, offend weaker children. They are driven by anger and aggression.

Aggressive behavior can be expressed in different forms, depending on the situation. The object of aggression can be both the father and the mother. Boys can raise their voices at their mother, be rude, be rude, go for a walk without warning, return home late. They may refuse to talk to their father at all.

The experiences of girls disturb only themselves, as they carry them in themselves, and the experiences of boys pour out on everyone around them. But here, too, much depends on the age of the child. The older he is, the more pronounced the sexual characteristics of behavior during the divorce of his parents. Toddlers most often notify their parents about their inner feelings because of what happened in the most common way - they start to get sick. Adolescents show their protest with deviations in behavior. But all these manifestations are attracting attention, calling on adults to think about the family and children.

Stages of bereavement in divorce in children

Divorce in the legal sense is a divorce procedure, but for children and their parents it is a difficult period that goes through several different stages. Each stage is characterized by its own characteristics. Consider the stages of divorce and the perception of the child at each of them.

Emotional Divorce

This is the preliminary stage, during which the parents begin to break down the relationship. The emotional distance between them increases, they move away from each other, a series of misunderstandings, mutual insults, quarrels and conflicts begins. Often this stage begins with one side, while the other does not yet suspect anything. At this time, the qualified help of a specialist can still help save the marriage. So far, the conflict has not been resolved, the verdict has not been passed. But in most cases, people do not want to notice the beginning of a relationship breakdown, they let this phase take its course, and it flows into the next one.

Stage of despair, rejection of the situation

At this stage, there is a realization that divorce is inevitable. Relations have given such a crack that they can no longer be glued together. The spouses understand that they have moved away from each other so much that they have become strangers. They can only come to terms with this, accept the information that this happened in their family.

The stage of the actual rupture of relations

At this stage, the decision to divorce has already been made by both spouses. Information about the separation is brought to close people, relatives, to children. The couple officially announces their breakup. Parents begin to live separately. The stage is actually very difficult. The child learns that the parents are getting divorced. It hurts his feelings. He is emotionally worried, aware of the changes coming in his life. Parents should at this stage take more careful steps towards the child, consider their words addressed to him.

Stage of economic divorce

There are changes in a child's life. Perhaps you have to change your place of residence, and this increases the psychological trauma. There is a restructuring of the system of relations with parents, especially with those who live separately. In most cases, this is the father. This is a difficult phase. The child watches how the mother has to cope alone with everyday problems, he sees her feelings about the divorce and, of course, is very worried himself.

Stage of depression and feeling of abandonment

There is an awareness of the reality of what happened. Both the child and the adult raising him understand that a step has been taken, there is no turning back. That the situation in which they find themselves is not temporary, but permanent. The family was destroyed, and it can no longer be restored. You need to get used to it, put up with it and learn to live in a new way. At this stage, if the depression persists, both parent and child may need psychological help.

stage of reflection

At this stage, there is a comprehension of perspectives, a search for a new way of life, its restructuring. This stage logically continues the previous one, but here the future life is already clearly drawn. A person realized a lot, passed a lot through himself, understood a lot. Life gradually begins to fill with meaning. At this stage, new hobbies, new interests, new acquaintances may appear. The parent living with the child finally comes to his senses, is convinced that life does not end with a divorce, begins to find some pluses in his new position. Conflicts with the former spouse cease. They are now strangers, no one owes anything to anyone. They are connected only by parental relationships. The child also calms down in this phase. He sees that the situation is starting to stabilize, and his parents are still his parents, they just live in different places.

The final stage is a psychological divorce, the real end of a relationship

At this stage, parents are freed from the negativity that prevented them from living happily in marriage. Adult people gradually learn to live outside relationships, get used to a new status, stop feeling sad and missing the past. A new life begins. People are enjoying life again, leaving the past in the past. Caring for a child again begins to bring true joy. All positive emotions and love are poured out on him. An adult is not yet ready to start a new relationship, so he connects all feelings during this period only with his children.

Any of the described stages of divorce can drag on for an indefinite time and prevent both parents and children from living normally. Passing through these stages to the end will allow the child to regain feelings of security and security. ,

Children often experience the divorce of their parents much more acutely than they themselves. It is not uncommon for divorce to result from the mutual consent of the partners. Feelings disappear, intimacy disappears. They both understand that they will be better off separately than together. In such cases, divorce is a step towards a new, happy life. But for a child, things are different. He wants to see mom and dad together, he wants to grow up and be brought up in a full-fledged healthy family. Divorce for him is also a step towards a new life, but in a different sense than that of his parents. He does not feel the need for such changes. They are the cause of severe mental discomfort for him. The child's world, to which he is accustomed, collapses at once. The people he loves more than anyone in the world stopped understanding each other and decided to leave. It’s also good if the parents make the decision to divorce quietly and peacefully at the negotiating table. And if a child witnesses scandals with breaking dishes and mutual insults, this is a shock for him. Behind their skirmishes, adults stop noticing the little man, who is already frightened and upset.

It is impossible at such moments to forget about the child, no matter how hard it may be for you. He needs help to cope with experiences, to correctly explain the situation, so that he learns to reasonably perceive human relationships. The kid has the right to know the truth from the very beginning of the divorce process. But often parents just dismiss him, believing that he is still too small and still cannot understand anything. He is told about the divorce as a fait accompli, when he has already witnessed numerous scandals and, in bewilderment, he himself speculated what was happening. The process of divorce for a child becomes a period of stress, which can turn into stable complexes that can poison his childhood life for a long time, and interfere with his relationship with the opposite sex in adulthood.

Very often, parents use the position - grow up, and he will understand everything. This approach is wrong. He will understand, but there is no guarantee that he will understand correctly. If you want your child to avoid many problems in the future, try to take the time to explain to him what is really going on. It is not necessary to describe the details in colors. Explain as simply as possible so that he understands you. The most important thing is to convey to him the idea that divorce is not the end, but the beginning of a new life. And it will not necessarily be worse than the old one, just a little different.

If you yourself are very worried about a divorce, you understand that you cannot adequately talk with your child without speaking unkindly to your ex-spouse, ask someone close to do this. The child must learn one main idea - spouses get divorced, not parents. You will never stop being his mom and dad, you will never stop loving and caring for him, just now you will not live together. This little man must clearly understand for himself. Let it be not only in words, but also in deeds. Discuss this with your spouse. Let him also find time to talk with the child. It’s hard for him now, so he should feel the love of both parents like never before.

The child understands that divorce will bring about change. He doesn't know where they can lead him. This uncertainty frightens, the child begins to be tormented by disturbing thoughts. He constantly recalls the happy moments of family life, they seem to him the best in life. And then comes the realization that they will never happen again. Try to. the opportunity not to leave the child alone with his thoughts, be there, talk more, answer all his questions, even if you have to repeat the same thing more than once. If he withdraws into himself and is silent, start a conversation yourself. Silence and the absence of questions do not mean spiritual harmony and tranquility.

Discuss the details with the child's father. The kid should not see quarrels and scandals. Conclude a truce with your spouse, agree on partnerships, if possible. For the sake of the child, it is worth making a compromise. In the process of divorce, he comes to the realization that love is not eternal, that even very loving people can stop loving each other over time, and this is quite normal. He must see that it is possible to part in a civilized manner, while maintaining respect for the partner. He must also see that parental love is not limited by the bonds of marriage. Even after parting, the parents continue to love him as before.

When the divorce procedure is over, try to relax with your child, and then discard the past and start a new life. Do not try to rush in search of a new relationship, take some time for your baby. It's hard for him. Intimacy with you will help him survive a difficult period and return to normal life.

And yet, you do not need to dedicate the child to the technical details of divorce, such as alimony, meeting schedules with the father and other relatives of the former spouse. Solve these issues in private, without the participation of the child.

In order for the post-divorce period to go as smoothly as possible for the child, try to follow a few rules with respect to him.

The child must be sure that his parents sincerely love him.

He is very afraid that he may turn out to be unnecessary, that his parents, passionate about building a new life, new relationships, will forget about him. Do not be afraid to tell your child more often how much you love him, how dear he is to you, that you are happy that you have him.

Back up your words with actions. This does not mean that you need to throw toys at the child, he may think that you want to buy him off. Just spend more time together. Show him that you really enjoy being with him.

The child must understand that after the divorce, he still has both parents - dad and mom

It's just that now they live separately, but he can count on their support at any time. Back up your words with actions. Show your child that you are involved. He must know that you care about his problems, that you care about his fate. Divorce undermined the position of parents in his eyes. Even if the relationship was friendly before the divorce, now you may have to win the favor of your child again.

If possible, try not to drastically change the child's lifestyle.

He first needs to get used to the idea that his parents no longer live together, and only then change his place of residence, school. Changes are always emotionally and mentally difficult for a child, even during stable periods, and during times of stress, the adaptive abilities of the body are sharply reduced.

Do not set the child against the parent who left the family

Even if you think that he acted meanly to you, betrayed you, the child has nothing to do with this. He still loves him. It will be unpleasant and painful for him to find out negative information about a loved one. Even worse, if the second parent in retaliation starts to tell him nasty things about you.

The father has the same rights over the child as the mother

You can not forbid him to meet with the child only because of your personal grievances. The baby lives with you, so you have a clear advantage. No need to deprive him of the opportunity to see his father.

Watch what your child says and behaves

Children do not always openly show their experiences. The child may not show you that he has a severe psychological trauma. But by watching him, you can determine that something is bothering him, and help in time.

Don't underestimate your child's abilities

It seems to you that he is still small and unable to understand what is happening with his family. Actually it is not. He is quite aware that something bad is going on between his parents. Talk to your child as an equal, explain to him in an accessible way what is really happening. Don't fool him. Don't pretend everything is fine. The child must feel that he is considered in the family.

Of course, it is hard for a child to survive the divorce of his parents.

Support him, but don't make him a victim.

The cartoon "The Boy and the Beast" (2009), made by German animators Johannes Weilandu and Uwe Heidshotter, received the prestigious European Cartoon d "Or" award in Sopot, Poland and the special jury prize "For the best children's film" at the Krok-2010 festival. The plot of the cartoon is commented by our expert.

Anna Skavitina, child analyst, member of the International Association for Analytical Psychology (IAPP)

"The Boy and the Beast" is a very accurately told story about the experiences of a child during a family divorce. Parents, such acquaintances and relatives, turn into frightening, incomprehensible Monsters: silent, aggressive, overwhelmed with their experiences. It is impossible to deal with them in the usual ways. But you can get used to them. And even get some small bonuses from living with the Monsters. The main thing is to believe that real loving parents are hiding inside the Monsters. And then there is a chance to cope. You have to be a patient child who hides from dangers and waits when this native Beast, with the help of magical procedures: talking on the phone, tearing up photos, gradually turns back into a loved one.

This cartoon is a guide to what happens to a child in a difficult time for the family. And it's not just divorce. We, parents, sometimes unexpectedly for ourselves and for children become “werewolfs”. It is wonderful when we understand this and consciously make an effort to return. To yourself. To the child. To life.

Our expert - child psychologist Ekaterina Sycheva.

How to say

If scandals in your family are not uncommon, the child already guesses that mom and dad are bad together. Some children begin to eavesdrop on parental squabbles behind closed doors. They are looking for their fault in the breakup of their parents ... And sometimes such fantasies can hurt their psyche more than the real situation. Protect your child's feelings. Talk to him about your plans for the future.

The position “when you grow up, then you will understand” is wrong. Try to explain in an accessible way, in accordance with the age of the child, in a language he understands, the reason for your separation from his dad. But be sure to say that the fact that his parents will live separately does not mean that dad and mom will love him less. Children must understand that anyone is to blame for what happened, but not them.

It will not be possible to limit oneself to one conversation, they should occur as questions are received from the child. Be prepared to discuss any fears children have about divorce, from fear of losing the love of mom and dad to the problem: “Daddy promised to give me a bike!”. Such conversations will show the child that after the divorce of his parents, the world, although staggered, has not turned upside down.

Avoid insulting your spouse. It is important to assure the child that he can always meet with him. If you yourself are internally opposed to such meetings, analyze where you are acting in the interests of the child, and where you are guided by revenge on your ex-spouse.

Guilt often dictates such a line of behavior for parents when they begin to compete for the attention of their children and even "buy" their love. Children quickly understand this and begin to manipulate the feelings of their parents. You don't have to go through such manipulations.

Some time after the divorce, when the child has managed to accept the inevitable, talk to him about the changed situation in the family and the redistribution of responsibilities. Often a divorced mother is forced to spend more time at work, she shifts the household duties available to him to the child: go for groceries, clean up ...

The responsibilities of the child must be clearly defined by both parties, so that he does not blame the mother that he willy-nilly has to grow up.

Palette of feelings

Depending on the age, children understand the situation of divorce differently.

In children from one and a half to three years old, divorce can provoke the appearance of fears and even developmental delays.

Children from three to six years old would like to change the situation and suffer from their impotence. They are often anxious and insecure, and may feel guilty about this state of affairs.

Children of primary school age (6-12 years old) often try to find the culprit in a divorce, it can be either themselves or one of the parents. The stress caused by the departure of a father or mother can provoke the development of various physical ailments (psychosomatic disorders).

Five-seven-year-old children, especially boys, react especially painfully to divorce, while girls are especially acutely experiencing separation from their father at the age of two to five years.

And only by adolescence (13-18 years) can a child more or less adequately imagine the causes and consequences of divorce, as well as the nature of his future relationship with both his father and mother.

His reaction

You need to be prepared for various emotional reactions of your child to the separation of parents, as well as for possible violations of his physical condition, up to diseases.

A child may experience a range of unpleasant, and sometimes conflicting feelings:

anger at both parents because the stability that existed when mom and dad lived together disappeared;

anger at one parent, or at the mother, who could not agree with dad, or at the father, who yelled at mom, frightened everyone with his cry and eventually left the family;

sadness that the family nevertheless broke up;

regret and shame that the parents could not create emotionally favorable conditions for him (unlike the families of his peers, with whom the child involuntarily compares his own);

crying and tantrums, indicating the severity of the child's condition, but not necessarily the deep severity of his condition. The more a person is capable of violent expression of his feelings, the more favorable the prognosis;

fear about the future life, due to instability and the unknown.

Support Rules

Try to maintain a warm relationship with your child.

Talk to him about the divorce honestly and frankly (taking into account, of course, age). In this case, of course, you can not set the child against the other parent.

Give him more attention. More often, let's understand that both mom and dad love him, that nothing has changed in their love for the child.

Do not prevent the child from meeting with the other parent.

Never sort things out with an ex-spouse in front of a child. It is because of this that many children develop a feeling of aggression in the future.

Distract the child. As often as possible, go with him to such interesting places as parks, museums, cinemas ... This will help him (and you!) Not to plunge into sad thoughts.

Try for some time not to change the child's usual living conditions, such as school, sections, circles, place of residence, friends.

Help from a professional

The best way to minimize moral and emotional suffering is to seek (even as a preventive measure) a psychotherapist who will help the child and you cope with your feelings.

The psychologist will warn you against destructive actions in relation to the child and the former spouse.

It will help you survive strong negative feelings towards your ex-spouse.

In case of a negative attitude of relatives, friends or teachers, it will help to develop the right tactics of behavior. He will relieve the tension caused by the guilt before the child for the divorce.

The psychotherapist will pay attention to the emotional and physical deviations in your health in time and help to eliminate them.

You will be able to speak out your negative emotions without fear of being misunderstood, discuss how this may affect the future life of your child.

The psychotherapist will help, if it is real and necessary, to establish a constructive dialogue with the former spouse to discuss problems related to the child's life.

The psychotherapist together with you will develop tactics for your future life in a family without a second parent.

How do quarrels and divorce of parents look in the eyes of their child? After all, he cannot but react to the cataclysms taking place in the family, he cannot but give his own assessment of what is happening. Sometimes parents do not even imagine how their baby or already a big teenager perceives the collapse of the family that is happening before his eyes. First of all, I want to say that my personal opinion is that divorce is always bad for a child, and for parents too. Divorce means that people could not or did not want to make efforts to understand each other, find a common language, did not bother to save their love. Although it often happens for parents that divorce leads to an improvement in their life situation, they find a new life partner with whom they try not to repeat previous mistakes, but for a child, parental divorce is a tragedy, even if this is the only way out of this unbearable situation for the family.

Still doesn't understand...

So often parents of babies up to a year or two think. Indeed, he does not understand in the sense in which we understand. But this does not mean that the baby does not notice or does not react. He simply cannot say what he feels, so his experiences are expressed in other things that, according to the parents, are "not relevant". The most common occurrence is the occurrence of allergies, neurodermatitis, diathesis, even false croup. Parents, unfortunately, cannot connect sudden attacks of severe diathesis with their equally sudden attacks of anger, irritation and quarrels among themselves. But it happens that parents don’t quarrel, so maybe the child won’t notice anything then? And although, most likely, he will endure your breakup more easily, there will still be consequences. Maybe not at this age, but later, again, most likely in the form of various somatic diseases.

He says maybe...

Choose! So, unfortunately, many parents of children of three to six years old think so. It must be remembered once and for all: a child cannot and should not choose a parent if he does not want to. Seeing the ugly behavior of parents, their quarrels and screams, the child learns, absorbs this model of behavior like a sponge. “This is how you need to behave if you don’t like something, especially with your wife or husband, you need to yell at them in a bad voice, cry, throw things and call names,” - this is what YOU teach him. Even if it seems to you that it is already night and the child has been sleeping for a long time, not hearing anything from your whispering, then you are again mistaken. Most likely, he does not sleep, but is terribly worried and with all his mental strength, with his whole being, sends you signals "if only you don't quarrel, if only you don't quarrel ...", he will fall asleep only when you make peace. And what is most unpleasant, the child thinks that he is the cause of your quarrel. By the way, this is how it often happens: “you are educating yourself incorrectly” “and you are not earning enough money” “he will stay with me” ...

You know, we decided to get a divorce...

"I know," he answers. Yes, children understand perfectly well what is happening even when you hide it from them with all your might. They feel discord and suffer. And since they do not know everything, they begin to think out, to imagine all sorts of pictures of the future, one worse than the other. For example, a child may think that both parents will now abandon him, send him to an orphanage, or that dad is leaving because he, the baby, is so bad. Moreover, this is typical for small four-five year old children, and for older ones. Sometimes parents try to "explain everything" in a very peculiar way. For example, a mother begins to tell a child: “You know, dad and I can no longer live together, because your father is an egoist, he loves only himself and also his car ...” The child understands everything, nods. And in adolescence, everyone around wonders why he behaves like that ?! And he decides that he is the same as his father, because this is HIS father! Let him be a scoundrel, but that means that he, his son or daughter, are also scoundrels, and accordingly they will behave like that!

Your problems.

When the parents of a teenager get divorced, the situation is no easier. A teenager can pretend that all this does not concern him at all, that these are "your problems." At the same time, the teenager, most likely, will try to go to the company, there he will share his experiences, and he will almost never be at home. For him, the world will fall apart just as it does for an infant whose parents are divorcing, and he may not "speak" either. He has the right to choose which parent he wants to live with, so it will not be possible to “share” him, but sometimes they begin to strongly consult with him, shifting almost the entire conflict situation onto him. For example, mom says that dad is wrong and demands immediate confirmation of his words from the child, but he does not want to confirm anything. Or dad happily asks: "Well, am I wrong?! You see - your mother ..." Or a completely disastrous option when parents ask the child, "Maybe we should get a divorce, what do you think?" Do they have the right to ask the child about it?

Even adults whose parents are going to divorce worry about this, do not want a divorce. Of course, it is easier to endure this in an adult state, because all the reasons are clear to the mind, but feelings still sound the alarm - parents are getting divorced, which means that something important has broken in this world, something is wrong in life. Divorce always puts a child at risk, as it shows his defenselessness, especially if adults begin to use him as a weapon in their enmity, putting him under attack.

How to soften the blow?

There are certain rules of "good behavior" in a divorce so that the child is not so deeply traumatized: