Funny and funny aphorisms about men and women. Short jokes about men and women Men's jokes about women

Two people are in bed.
She: - I want you again!
He (through a dream): - You are lucky ...

Funny to tears jokes about women and men

1. - Made an announcement: “I am looking for a girlfriend of life!”,
about twenty men responded ...
- What do they write?
- All as one wrote: "Take mine."

2. On the bus, a girl shows her fly to a man:
Man, close the store.
- Can you see the director?
- Well, I don’t know about the director, but the drunk loader is lying on the bags.

3. - Man, you look like you want to invite me to a restaurant.
— Yes, yes, we need a dishwasher!

4. He:
- I communicate with you and come to the only mental conclusion: “A woman is like flowers! You do everything to bloom, and she BLOWS!”
She:
- And the men are like the first snow: “You never know when it will come, how many centimeters it will be and how long it will last!”

5. - It seems that my wife is cheating on me with a neighbor!
- Why do you think so?
I came home from work yesterday, but my wife is not there. And the neighbor on the balcony smokes in his shorts!
- So what?
- So he smoked in her shorts!

6. Husband arrives from a business trip. He immediately runs to the closet and opens it. Nobody! Insolent male voice from the bed:
- I am here.

7. If your husband passionately repeats someone else's name at night, respond - you will not regret it.

8. — What's new with you?
— The wife burned to death in a fire.
— What grief! And there was no way to save it?
- Yes, she slept so sweetly ...

Funny jokes about women and men

9. - Dear! .. I want to make you an offer ...
- What, honey?
- Get off, huh!

10. At five o'clock in the morning the wife got out of bed and made her way into the closet. She bent her fishing rods on her knees, cut her rubber boots with a knife and threw her backpack off the balcony. Then she silently lay down in bed and gently pressed her cheek against her husband’s shoulder ... She had no more than an hour to live ...

11. The husband is lying on the sofa, reading a newspaper. The wife comes from the kitchen and says:
- Take the net, go to the grocery store.
- It's not a man's job!
“Well, then undress and go to the bedroom!”
- Well, you can’t joke about where the grid is.

12. A MAN NAILS A NAILS. It misses with a hammer on the finger! - Mmmmm ... (restrained) Nearby is a 6-year-old son with a serious look: - Damn! Yes, papa?

13. - Describe yourself. - Brunette. - OK. And the eyes? - Eat.

14. A girl is standing at the entrance, a guy comes up to her:
- No cigarettes? Gives him a cigarette.
- What about lighters? Gives him a lighter.
“Look again and give me some chewing gum?” . .
He takes out a record of "Dirol" from his purse with the words:
“I’m a sorceress, and you spent all three wishes so stupidly. . .

15. - Yesterday I wrote on my neighbor's dirty car: “Wash me! " - And what? - And this morning I go and see that the car is just as dirty, and below my inscription, it’s added: “Come Irisha, I’ll wash it! »

Funny funny anecdotes...

- I have a feeling that if I die, then my wife will come up to the coffin and say: "I died on purpose, if only not to do shit!" She:
- A woman's hands should tremble from gifts, her legs from sex, and her heart from love!
He:
- And you, my love, will not be torn apart by resonance? Children are frightened by uncles, uncles by children. I read on the Internet that on December 21, 2012 there will be neither the end of the world, nor a terrible and painful death. Simply, all people will connect to a single information field and learn the whole truth about the past and present. So my wife will know too. So it's still a terrible and painful death. It is very easy for women to relieve stress in the kitchen. For example, she took out a turkey, called Sanya, Vanya, or something else, cut off everything she wanted, and slowly lowered it into boiling water ... I bought a book: "Poisons. Yesterday, today, tomorrow" (I just decided to read it)
The husband washes the dishes for the second day, and takes out the garbage, and agrees in everything ... An ideal family. Wife:
- Darling, go drink vodka!
Husband:
- Darling, I haven't washed the floors yet! You listen to women - they all have brilliant children!
And all from idiot husbands... - Have you cleaned my jacket?
- Yes, dear.
- What about trousers?
- Of course, dear.
- What about boots?
- Do you have any pockets? Listening carefully to a woman, you help her understand what she wanted to say. If you want to keep the relationship, don't ask the woman about the past and the man about the future. He weaned his wife from buying books like "beauty and health", "ideal figure in 2 weeks" - simply by showing a photo of their authors. - All men are goats!
- Yes darling. Everything.
- And you too?
- I'm the biggest goat in the world!
- Then why did I marry you and live with you for so many years?
- And now we have smoothly moved on to the topic that all women are fools. Note to the owner. Ironing the hostess is much easier than a shirt and trousers. To get rid of once and for all from a terrible, but intrusive wife’s friend with her problems, it’s enough to ask his wife casually: “Where is our Svetka, with a gorgeous appetizing ass?” Guy - girl:
- On the one hand, you are very beautiful.
- And on the other?
On the other hand, you have a face. Two men meet
I heard you got married...
- Yes, and my wife is cool - both in the kitchen and in bed ...
- But how does she manage to do everything?
- Yes, I made a bed for her in the kitchen ... In the pharmacy:
- My husband constantly complains of chest pain, choking, cramps and dizziness. Do you sell earplugs? Women spend money wisely!
As a result - no mind, no money ... A conversation between two Muscovites.
- I met such a cool girl yesterday - smart, intelligent, with an excellent figure!
- Is she beautiful?
- I don't know, she hasn't taken off the gauze bandage yet.
If a blonde's eyes are burning, then the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something. In connection with the protracted heat in Russia, scumbag boys began to use increased demand among girls. Every time, swimming naked at night, he naively believed that there were mermaids ... Do not brag that your wife is the best: women may be offended, and men will want to make sure. Two men meet, one says:
- Can you imagine, I recently became impotent, so it turns out that the world is so interesting: there are theaters, cinemas, circuses, parks ... - I heard that Nikolai got married. Do you know if it's for love or profit?
- Well, he took his wife for profit, and money - for love. A man's heart consists of two ventricles. One for vodka, the other for snacks. - Why are you so fat?
- Because I eat breakfast myself, friends share lunch with me, and enemies give me their dinner. Courage, honor and courage - these are the three signs of my alcohol intoxication. - And I found myself a girlfriend here in Sochi. Smart, kind, loyal, beautiful ...
- Are you happy?
- Was happy. Until the smart one found out about the good one, and the faithful one about the beautiful one! Making a woman happy is difficult, but possible. The hardest thing in this situation is to stay happy yourself ... Women do not think, they plot! - Tell me, how did your wife go crazy?
- We traveled in the mountains, where there is a beautiful echo. But the wife is used to having the last word always with her... A man's belly is a mound of glory over the hero's grave. The man chases the woman until she catches him. All women live according to one motto: "Love cannot be used", but where to put a comma, each chooses for herself ... If a man washes his socks, then they are his last. Male pride goes off scale when you pee and flush the tea leaves in the toilet with well-aimed hits. A man in a supermarket, addressing one of the customers:
- You know, my wife got lost somewhere in this store. Could you give me a minute of your attention?
- Why is this?
- You see, when I talk with a beautiful woman, my wife always suddenly appears out of nowhere. Men only pretend they don't understand women! It costs them less. An apparently non-Russian woman was looking at the burning hut when she was knocked down by a horse. Finding out anything from a woman is impossible at any age: a girl's memory smoothly turns into women's secrets, and they, in turn, into senile sclerosis. Sex is such a thing, after taking which you understand within an hour that sex is not the most important thing in life ... Only the earth can accept a woman as she is. Men are divided into goats and rams.
Rams are men who are poorly versed in female psychology.
And the goats - who understand too well. As it turned out, the most popular questions after vaccination:
Male: - Can I drink?
Female: - Is it possible to wash?
Hence the conclusion: the main problem of a woman is that she is dirty, the main problem of a man is that he is sober. The wider the waist of the wife, the longer the husband's working day. - Why do women get married?
- Lack of life experience.
- Why are they getting divorced?
- Lack of patience.
Why are they getting married again?
- Lack of memory. Sensation! Finally, it was possible to present women's thoughts in a simple and understandable scheme.
- And I affectionately call mine: my bunny, my fish, my bird.
- And what is she?
- And she spreads her ears, bulges her eyes, and clicks her beak. Only women are afraid of old age. Men, as a rule, do not have time to get scared ... - Dad, who did you want more - a boy or a girl?
- Actually, son, I just wanted to have a good time ... Sign: if annual rings have already formed on your cup of coffee and tea, it's time for you to get married. Who does not take risks does not drink champagne and does not listen to Mendelssohn. Happiness is not in those women with whom you want to sleep, but in those with whom you want to wake up. Never marry a woman with whom you can live. Marry the one you can't live without. If a woman is angry, then she is not only wrong, but she understands it. A man is interesting to a woman as long as he is interesting to her friends. The motto of all women: we were born to turn money into dust! "Dear girls!
If you came through a job posting, please complete the following test before entering:
1. Take two steps away from the door.
2. Put your hands behind your head, put your elbows forward.
3. Slowly move forward until you touch the door.
If your elbows touched the door before your chest, we are very sorry, but we are forced to refuse your candidacy." American neurophysiologists have discovered that words uttered by a melodious female voice are processed in the male brain not by the speech perception center, but by the music perception center, and only then the information is transmitted to the speech center.That is why men often do not immediately understand the meaning of what the woman said.("Science and Life", No. 3-2006) If you want to feel light and comfortable with a woman, you need her When you have money - you have women!Women appear - money disappears!Money disappears - women disappear!Women disappear - money appears... If you can remove women from this vicious circle - you will be fabulously rich!!! - Dear, did you buy milk?
- Molokaku??! Didn't drink!
Women's wardrobe is when there is nothing to wear and nowhere to hang! - Can your wife stop a galloping horse?
- When she is without makeup, they stand on end. For seventeen years in a row, a man got up early every morning to walk his dog. And then the dog died. The man woke up, as always, at 6 o'clock, lay there and sighed for a long time, and finally woke up his wife:
- Listen, would you like to go for a walk with me? The skill of the gentleman lies in taking the lady to the theater in such a way that she retains a feeling of gratitude, but no desire to go again. - Yes, there used to be women in Russian villages, they would stop a galloping horse, they would enter a burning hut.
- Where are they now?
- Burned down!

She would like to live differently
Wear precious clothes
But the horses keep jumping and jumping,
And the huts are burning and burning ...

Oh, how much does our woman need! If only the huts were burning and the horses were galloping!

He will stop a galloping horse, enter a burning hut ...
In general, what he won’t do, just so as not to wash, iron, cook ... What you need to impress a woman:
- compliment her
- respect her
- caress her
- hug her
- protect her
- spend money on it
- give her wine to drink and feed her in restaurants
buy her what she wants
- listen to her
- stay with her
- support her
- go to the end of the world for her
...
How to impress a man:
Get undressed and get ready to eat. The man who decided to marry thought for a long time which of the three girls in love with him to marry. He decided to give each of them $5,000 and find out how they would use it.
The first one bought expensive clothes, the best cosmetics, went to an elite beauty salon - in general, she did everything to look perfect, and said: "I love you very much and I want everyone to know that you have the most beautiful wife in the city."
The second spent all the money on her potential husband, buying him new suits, shirts, tools for the car, and said: "You are the most important thing for me, so I spent all the money on you."
The third put $5,000 into circulation, earned another $5,000, and returned everything to the man: "I love you very much. I did this so that you would understand that I am smart and wasteful."
The man thought - and married the one whose breasts were larger.

Judging by the growing number of women for kerm, the men will soon be standing for a long time...
***
In a restaurant, a man walks to a table where a lonely woman sits:
- May I meet you?
“Well, I really don't know. Do you have serious intentions?
- It can't be more serious! I intend to pay for your dinner, and in the morning to give money for a taxi.
***
I wonder why the author of the phrase “Kissing a smoking girl is like kissing an ashtray” kissed an ashtray?
***
Two lively housewives stand in line at the store and chat:
My husband has been released from the hospital. He had his appendix removed.
- And what is it?
- It's such a small process in the lower abdomen, no one needs it, but things go better when it's gone.
You need to tell your husband about this.
***
Do you think women enjoy sex?
“Of course, this happens during the prelude and discussion of the consequences.
***
— What a faux pas! I tell you that my wife is expecting a baby, and you ask from whom?
— Well, excuse me, please, I thought you knew.
***
- Ooo! You smell so good! What's the perfume?
— New Oriflame catalogue, side 45 flavored.
***
Near the maternity hospital, every second dad is looking for a third.
***
Now tell me why you got offended.
- You wanted to hit me.
"I've never laid a hand on a girl in my life!" What did you get from?!
“I would strike if I were you.
***
God, how times change! My mother still remembers the first time my father kissed her, and my sister has already forgotten the name of her first husband!
***
What is your intelligence index?
“I don’t know the exact figure, but I have enough to live on.
***
A conversation between two Frenchmen:
A good wife is one who has a husband and a lover.
- I thought it was bad.
- No, the bad one is the one with only a lover.
“I thought it was the fallen one.
- No, the fallen one who has no one.
- I thought it was lonely.
- No, she is single, with one husband.
***
- Syoma, am I fat?
- No.
But it wouldn't hurt to lose weight, right?
- I like you like this.
But I don't get excited, do I?
- You're calling.
But not crazy, right?

Funny and funny jokes about men and women

Here before in Rus' what were the men! Hump ​​nose, x ... with a baton, he will throw ten sticks and still wears on his hands! And now? Nose with potatoes, x ... accordion, he will throw half a stick and ask for more on the road!
***
Real gentlemen, parting with a girl, give her a pack of cigarettes, a coffee machine and a new plastic window with a wide window sill...
***
Two friends are chatting over a cup of coffee.
“I love nature,” says one.
The other looked attentively at her friend and sarcastically remarked:
"And after what she did to you?"
***
“It was a great summer this year!
- Yeah, and most importantly, that it was for the weekend !!!
***
Two friends were friends. Peter and Vasily. They had one friend, Nina. A year has passed. Peter runs and shouts:
- Vasya, Vasya!
- Well, what do you want?
Nina gave birth to twins. - So what?
- Like what! I took mine. And you take yours.
***
Two elderly residents of Odessa on a bench: And I like women over 50. Well, Syoma, over 50 is still inexpensive ...
***
All the troubles of men from one:
Well, you can see the fool, so why get to know better?
***
An experienced woman can make 27 to 36 withdrawals per second.
***
One woman had 10 children, and they were all boys. And everyone was called Volodya.
“Tell me,” they asked her, “how do you distinguish between them?”
“My patronymic,” the woman answered proudly.
***
When does a woman lose 90% of her intelligence?
When her husband dies.
- And when does she lose the remaining 10%?
When her pet dies after her husband.
***
Two bachelors are talking:
- Washable wallpaper is definitely a great thing! But they are so hard to tear off the wall and stuff into the washing machine!
***
- Zhora, but there is female friendship ...?
- No ... This is nonsense ...
It doesn't happen between a woman and a man...
- Here, Sema ...! What is the conclusion...?
- Which...?
- Shaw women are an unfriendly people ...!
***
All men know that if you pick up a fishing rod or just a stick near a pond, you immediately want to drink, and after drinking - women.
***
"Are you out of your mind at all?"
- In your.
“Oh, who is this here?

Long ago, only women lived on earth. And one day one of them turned to the Lord with a request:
- I beg you, God, make me the most beautiful, the most desirable of all women.
- What about the rest of the women?
- Yes, x @ p, with them!
This is how men appeared on earth.

Guys, problem!
Wife returned from vacation a day early and caught washing dishes. He doesn't want to listen to any explanation. She says I lied to her all the time that I can't. I tell her, they say, you yourself understand, it’s difficult for so long without a woman, I couldn’t resist, but no more, I swear, and she goes to the refrigerator. And I didn’t have time to eat anything that I cooked, I thought I’d have time tomorrow. And here you are - and borscht, and pilaf and twice half a pie. Slept, in short, to the fullest. I tried to tell her that the woman drove, but where was there after the dishes. In short, what to do? Divorce?

The son in the kitchen smokes through the window. He hears the door slam in the hallway: the mother came home from work. He threw away his cigarette and sprinkled air freshener.
Mother comes in, he makes excuses:
- Mom, I honestly did not smoke! It stinks from the neighbors.
- Yes, you smoke, drink, take women home - maybe at least you will finally get married at 44!

Why haven't you married yet?
- Yes, I bring girls home, mothers do not like it!
- Bring someone who looks like a mother.
- Brought, dad began to swear!

A real man should be able to properly set fire to the hut and disperse the horse so that the woman has something to do at her leisure.

The men are sitting in the bath.
The mobile is ringing. One picked up the phone and answers:
- Yes, dear, what did you want? Fur coat? Of course you can! Do you know where the money is? Fine! More boots? Yes please! Handbag? Yes buy!
Turns off the phone and says:
Guys, whose phone is it?

If a man claims that he has ceased to understand anything in women, then he has finally understood them.

At a table in a cafe, a man says to a woman:
- Sorry, but on the dating site, I didn’t imagine you at all ...
- Man, yes you drink, drink!

Preparing for the wedding, my girlfriend chooses the decoration of the hall, music. I deal with the domestic side of the issue. I transfer the property to my parents.

Every girl dreams of a bad boy who will be good only for her.
Every boy dreams of a good girl who will be bad only for him.

A man tells a friend:
- I recently got married, I carry her in my arms around the apartment, and then she says:
- Vasya, have we already signed? Let me jump on the neck ...

For women, childhood ends when they call not to eat, but to cook ...

A woman has three age stages:
1. We annoy the father
2. We get the husband
3. Annoy the son-in-law

Juicy jokes about a man and a woman

A man comes to a sex shop to buy a rubber woman.
The seller asks:
- You normal or with intelligence?
- With intelligence.
The next day, the man returns to the store:
- Change to normal.
- What do you not like?
- I didn't.

A tired hitman walks into a bar in Arizona, places his rifle on the table, and orders himself a drink. The farmer sitting opposite asks politely:
- Excuse me, but can I look at your house through your optical sight?
“Look, it’s not a pity,” the killer answers.
- How much do you charge for work? the farmer asks after a minute. -There my wife is having fun with our neighbor!
- A thousand dollars for one shot.
I'm crying twice! But you must shoot off his penis, and her head.
“Okay,” the killer says, and starts aiming.
- Nu that same you procrastinate?! the farmer shouts after a couple of minutes.
- Wait, you! I'm trying to save you half.

The newlyweds agreed to make love only on those days of the week that have the letter "r". Somehow a tired husband comes home from work, and his wife starts harassing him. He asks her:
- Honey, what day is it today?
- Monday! she answers.

Monya, where are you running to?
- Oh, don’t ask, I’m in a hurry to urgently fulfill my marital duty ...
- Monya, so you live in the other direction!
- I feel that I won’t bring it there!

One couple did not have children. In which only clinics they did not apply - all to no avail. Desperate, they decided to consult a sex therapist, although they knew that everything was fine with them here. After listening to both of them, the doctor advised the man to somehow “master” his wife at the most unexpected moment, then, according to him, conception might occur.
After 4 months, the happy couple comes back to the doctor to thank him for the advice, which really helped. Then the doctor asked the man to linger and asked him how he managed to “possess” his wife so unexpectedly that she became pregnant. He answers:
- She was looking for something in the refrigerator, and I crept up behind her, lifted her skirt and ... this ...
- Well, she must have been very surprised.
- Yes, it's okay, you should have seen the faces of buyers in the supermarket!

Father, is a woman allowed during fasting?
- You can, but not fat.

Jokes about men and women are very funny

A man on the subway is staring at a woman. She turned out to be not from the timid and says:
- Man, why are you staring at me like that? Enough already, you're undressing me with your eyes!
- What are you, what are you?! You are already dressing, and I am smoking ...

A man met a woman at a resort.
On the first day, the man stroked the woman's hand. On the second day - the elbow.
On the third, when the man dared to touch the woman on the shoulder, she said irritably:
- What do you think - I came here for six months?

A man bought two geese at the fair, a bucket, an anvil, and then two more hens on the cheap. She goes home, and a woman meets:
- Can you tell me how to get to the village?
- Come with me, I'll show you. Just let's go through the forest, so closer.
- Well, of course, otherwise I don’t know you guys! As soon as we go into the forest, so somewhere you will press me to a tree ...
- What are you, a woman? See how much living creatures I have in my hands? How can I?
- Yes, it's very simple! Cover the geese with a bucket, and an anvil on top.
- And where will I put the chickens?
- Well, I can hold chickens.

My wife is concerned about my erectile dysfunction. She and I have different views on its cause.
She bought me Viagra, I bought her a treadmill.

Svetka, get up, 15 minutes left before work!
- What are you? Fucked up??! You couldn't wake me up before? I only have 20 minutes to paint!
- Do not yell you, while you were sleeping, I already made up you.

A man and a woman lie on the bed and look at the ceiling. Thoughts of a woman: “Silence. Doesn't want to talk. Surely, he has already fallen out of love with me, he has another. The relationship is over…” The man’s thoughts: “A fly, a fly on the ceiling. How is she holding up?