What is the difference between physical and moral betrayal, and is there one? Moral treason

Hello everyone who will read my story. I sincerely wish that there are no more such stories, because they destroy all the canons of love and trust (((

It all started 5.5 years ago when I met my future husband. We met for 3.5 years (there were, of course, quarrels over trifles, etc.), but after 3.5 years I saw his correspondence in mail.ru, and my hair stood on end (He loved me all these years, I I believe, but at the same time he corresponded with a bunch of girls, although by nature he is a very restrained and serious, athletic person. So one person working with him managed to attract his attention especially. They corresponded every day in "Agent" (and the archive remains in the mail, who does not leave), she worked as a waitress, and he was a security guard, often talked. And from the correspondence it became clear that they were kissing and could not forget this kiss. Affectionate compliments began in her direction, etc. At that moment, I saw the correspondence in time , and they didn't get any further.

I wanted to leave, I left for a week. He knelt down, said that he did not understand why he corresponded, did not know what had come over him. I forgave, because I loved, began to communicate. Cut off all contact with that girl. He soon proposed to me. After six months of marriage, I became pregnant. Everything was going well until strange things began in May of this year ... I am a very family person by nature. For me, family is EVERYTHING. If I decide to get married, then I think that it should be forever, and any problems in life can be discussed peacefully, resolved without scandal.

But, unfortunately, my husband did not have such an opinion. He is quick-tempered, jealous, selfish at times. I cook deliciously, I do everything around the house, everything is fine in sex too. Even during pregnancy every other day, or even every day, we make love. In the morning I get up first, wake up with kisses, etc. I am constantly wondering what he would like to eat, and everything like that, in 5 years I have 2 higher educations, not stupid. And sometimes I stumble on such ice that I want to cry. Can ignore, come and not answer questions, flare up, yell. If we eat and he doesn’t like something, he can go into the room and not answer what I call him.

And then suddenly I decided to check his mail again. Having picked up a couple of passwords, I hacked into his "Mir" and ... again found a correspondence with a new waitress. And just started recently. She is 18, I am 23, he is 24. She is my complete opposite - she goes to clubs, smokes, drinks, does not play sports at all - she probably thinks that she does not need it, because she is thin. She knows perfectly well that he is married, that I am in a position, she saw me. From the correspondence I realized that they were sitting together in a cafe, she drank wine (he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke), danced, kissed, exchanged compliments, she didn’t mind his proposals to retire. There just wasn't the right time or place. All communication lasted a month.

After I saw it, I didn’t immediately start to make a fuss, I thought that I would come to my senses. To do this, I made every effort (I talked with him about our relationship, recalled the old betrayal, said that in marriage I would not forgive betrayal if I found out, reminded me of the baby and that I should not be nervous, and that in any case, by any means I KNOW ). He listened attentively, reasoned, supported and said that he would never change, and so on.

Under the influence of his promises, she tried not to think about what she had read, thought that family relationships were more expensive, and wanted to act wisely. As a result, when I went to the post office a week later, I saw that nothing had changed, and continued to communicate even more. That's when I could not stand it and said that I know everything. The vows began again ... He said that she was a youngster, it didn’t mean anything, that she was of easy virtue, but she loved me, that she didn’t cheat on me, didn’t sleep with her, etc. He said he would decide everything and put an end to it on the same day. And so he did, set it up, explained everything to her, stopped communicating. I had to forgive (I'm a fool, along the way ...).

No wonder they say: "Love is evil, you will love a goat." A month later, I decided to check his phone, all the SMS and calls were permanently deleted there. Suspicions began again, I thought, against the background of pregnancy. But it turned out that it wasn't. This time I hacked into his phone number, looked at the details and saw active communication. Either SMS, then conversations for half an hour for 3 weeks ... I could not stand it, I said: “Pack up your things and go to your mother, then live or to her, since life does not suit you with me, and you always don’t understand why it carries you to the left.”

The first day he didn’t leave, on the second day he left - only without things, but with a sports bag, as if for training, he didn’t come home, he went to his mother. He began to write SMS to me and accuse me that I am such and such, I don’t understand him, that he didn’t do it on purpose and that he was going to stop everything the other day. He said that he would come to pick up things and would not return, he was ashamed and offended, you see, because he kicked me out for nothing (we live with my mother).

And I'm tired of forgiving, just tired of being humiliated. Betrayed ONCE... Betrayed TWO... I forgave, but there is a limit to everything, every time I warned him that I would not forgive him, that if something like this happened, let him leave right away. But, apparently, it didn't scare him and didn't stop him.

He called a couple of times, found out how the child and I, but there is no remorse in his voice, he only says that he will not return, that it does not matter where he is, and is not going to return.

I am very hurt and ashamed that I did this. I have to walk a couple of months before giving birth, you can’t get upset. I'm trying to hold on. But how to be??? How to proceed??? Divorce is not an option, the child was not even born, and again to forgive him means to untie his hands for further exploits ((((

She's completely dumb. She is 18, and she is trying to take a married man away from the family, she says that “there are no irreplaceable ones”, these are her arguments already at this age ... And what will happen next? I feel sorry for her, because she has little brains, that at her age she is not able to find a free guy for herself, fall in love with him and build a happy life without seducing other people's husbands. She presses him on pity that he stopped communicating with her, that she feels bad, and she is poor, as a result turned out to be unhappy ...

What thoughts did not visit me, maybe she bewitched him? Maybe I don't need this dog? What will happen next? How to get rid of his flirting? He swears that he did not change physically, I believe. But moral betrayal is even more terrible, because it is committed not on instincts, but on a conscious level, choosing what to say and how to act. Please help me get over this pain. What should I do? Call him? Forgive... There is emptiness in the soul, there are not even thoughts. And the insult sits that he does not call, although he himself is to blame.

I will answer all and I will be grateful for any advice.

There lived a married couple. She lived quite calmly and happily. Not a cloud on the horizon. Not a hint of thunder. Silence, smoothness and grace. Well, it's a little boring. It happens to everyone? Little nothings of life.

But one fine autumn day, while choosing zucchini at the market, the wife unexpectedly encountered her first love. A chance meeting stirred up long-extinct feelings. The clouds thickened. It smelled like thunder.

She called me one evening.

I told my husband that I was going to have coffee with you. Just wanted to warn you. More details later,” she said in a strange voice.

Later, so later. You never know.

There was nothing criminal in the details voiced later. Former lovers met a couple of times for a cup of coffee. He held her hand. She told him about unfulfilled dreams and lost illusions.

They didn't have sex. But there was something more. Some kind of invisible connection that arose many, many years ago, and, as it turned out, survived, despite the years and a happy family life. Just talk. Views and memories. Anxiety and aspirations.

Physically, she did not cheat on her husband. Pure as glass. From the point of view of an outside observer. However, would her husband have decided so, having learned about the friendly meetings of his missus? Would he forgive? Big question.

Many years have passed since then, and that story has long been covered with a thick layer of dust. But why does her soul feel a heavy burden of betrayal and betrayal?

Is it because treason did take place? But not physical, but emotional.

The emotional connection is very deep. This is not some banal seven-minute sexual intercourse, committed by chance in an alcoholic frenzy. Emotional betrayal is a more serious thing.

How can it be?

For example, let's say you're talking to a co-worker you like. You drink coffee together in the morning, go for smoke breaks and lunches, and in the evenings he sometimes throws you home. Nothing. No flirting or hint of intimacy. However, your relationship is getting closer. And now he calls you on Saturday to consult on the choice of a tie for an upcoming corporate party, and on Sunday he sends an SMS with an offer to pick you up in the morning. On the way to work, you share with him the details of the last quarrel with your spouse and unconsciously seek moral support.

Is this treason in the direct sense of the word? Ask your husband about it.

Or maybe your spouse has registered on a dating site. In fact, he, of course, is not going to date anyone. And even more so to enter into intimate relationships. And he just wants to bring a little novelty into the stagnant swamp of life, corresponding with beautiful strangers. On his part, this is just harmless chatter.

Lord, what's wrong with that?! Think about it.

Is this treason in the direct sense of the word?

But do you enjoy the fact that every evening, while you check the children's lessons, wash the dishes after dinner and iron shirts, your loved one surfs the Internet and has romantic conversations with a pretty twenty-year-old girl, becoming more and more attached to her? And do you know how far it can go? Alas.

So is cheating just sex? Physical contact? Does emotional connection mean anything? And what is scarier and more dangerous?

Let's take two situations.

In the first one, your spouse (or spouse), being on a business trip, succumbing to a certain impulse, in a state of drunkenness, unexpectedly for himself, slept with a neighbor (neighbor) by number. Meaningless sex, which he forgot about in the morning. He will not even remember what a beautiful stranger looks like, and he is unlikely to recognize her by accidentally meeting her in a store. But was there a betrayal? Was.

In the second situation, the beloved (or beloved) is texting on a social network with a former classmate. Rewritten long and tight. He checks his mail every morning. Worries if she does not answer for a long time. Bored. Get used to it. Thinks about her while having sex with you. No change? No.

But isn't the second situation more painful than the first? Wouldn't you prefer meaningless sex over close emotional bonding? It turns out that cheating is not always sex, and sex is not always cheating? Big question.

"Masha, he cheated on me!" - the heartbroken girl sobs on the shoulder of her friend. Men, having learned about the infidelity of their wife, prefer to worry in silence. Or get drunk and somewhere on the last glass, bowing his head, mournfully confess to his best friend about the knife in the back.

It's unpleasant for everyone. But is it worth it to kill? Can everything be fixed? And it is necessary?

Causes. Female and male psychology

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I opened my husband's mail and found many years of correspondence with different women. I started looking and found a photo of betrayal. At what it was a gangbang. Then I found other photos. Just with a girl. I showed him everything. He said it was only two times. Once a gangbang and once with this girl. I didn’t believe it and went further and found his page on the dating site and found all the correspondence with other women there.

He said it was a long time ago. But it was recently, more precisely, on Christmas the last time ...

Married for 22 years, has an adult daughter. I thought I had the best husband in the world. The change lasted 15 years. The woman lives in the city where my husband and I left 2.5 years ago. Prior to this year, the husband himself lived (worked) in another city, that is, their relationship for the last 3.5 years has been irregular, but the correspondence continued. After I discovered her, my husband promised that their relationship was over. I found it on one popular site (calculated) and wrote.

She answered and today I have 50 pages of correspondence between two ...

Yes, perhaps at first glance the question is quite banal, but in fact it is very important. In the modern world, the clear framework of adultery has been erased, and as a result, having heard the word: betrayal, an image of a bed scene pops up in my head.

If you look at the meaning of the word treason in the dictionary, you can see a rather interesting interpretation, treason is adultery. And adultery is not only physical treason, but moral as well. In our time, the moral side of treason is given quite little attention, and all because moral treason is very difficult to identify. If physical betrayal can be seen with your own eyes, then moral betrayal can only be guessed at.

Another rather interesting synonym for the word treason is the word infidelity. This word also has an ambiguous meaning. Although infidelity is considered to be physical treason, but this word is also directly related to moral treason. After all, the root of the word infidelity is -ver-, and the word that forms from it is faith. In other words, the infidelity of the spouse is manifested not only in his actions, but also in his thoughts as well.

So it turns out that treason is divided into two types: physical treason and moral. Physical infidelity is direct intimacy with a person who is not your legal spouse. Moral treason is a broader concept. First of all, these are feelings for another person, but it is not uncommon for this phrase to mean an ordinary desire to change physically. These two species can exist both together and separately.

A wife can imagine for a long time how she is cheating on her husband, she can flirt with other men, even love another person, but not bring the matter to physical intimacy. Such betrayal is undoubtedly considered moral. Physical infidelity can manifest itself as casual sex with different partners or as constant sex with one partner. The most important thing about such a betrayal is that it happens without any feelings and emotions. However, quite often there is both physical and moral betrayal at the same time. For example, a married woman falls madly in love with another man, communicates and flirts with him for a long time, and then physical intimacy appears in their relationship.

The attitude towards change in different people is also quite different. If some people are ready to forgive their spouse for cheating, then others begin to take revenge and also change. Quite often you can find cases when a wife, having learned about her husband's infidelity, immediately files for divorce. It is very important to first just find out all the nuances in the current situation, and only then draw conclusions. After all, if you figure it out, then an accidental physical betrayal can and can be forgiven and take a promise from your spouse that this will not happen again. Moral betrayal is another matter, because real emotions are difficult to stop, and even if you promise that you will not fall in love again, it will be quite difficult to keep this promise.
So what is worse moral or physical betrayal? I want to hear your opinion.

In family relationships, you need to try with all your might to maintain warmth and tenderness. But under the onslaught of everyday and other problems that the family faces, tender feelings are dulled. Sometimes it seems that with someone else everything would be different, better, brighter. Thoughts about it do not give rest. How to save a family?

What is moral betrayal

With physical change, everything seems to be clear. It requires sexual intimacy of one of the spouses with a lover or mistress. But how to interpret the feeling of falling in love if there was no sex between people? Let's discuss this with specific examples.

Andrei and Olya were married for 13 years and raised a daughter. At that moment, when the new Tanya got a job in the company, Olya was expecting a second baby. Olya noticed that Andrei somehow changed. At home, everything weighed on him, irritated him, he ran away to work early, and was in no hurry to go home in the evening. Olya's pregnancy was not easy, her mood was constantly changing, the eldest daughter was naughty and sick a lot, because she had recently started going to kindergarten. So Olya thought that she herself was to blame for the fact that her husband was not in a hurry to go home.

But then Andrei confessed to her that he had fallen in love with Tanechka. It seems she is not beautiful, but very sociable. It is easy and pleasant with her, there is always something to talk about. Andrei sighed for her for a whole year, gave flowers on holidays on his own behalf, and not from the team. And on her birthday he gave her a very nice and expensive gift.

Andrei swore and swore that there was no intimacy between him and Tanya. He couldn't have betrayed his wife like that. But this news greatly upset Olya. What should she do?

It seems that nothing criminal happened, the family did not break up, the children grow up and delight their parents. But all the same, Olya feels that the closest person betrayed her. For her, this is a real moral betrayal.

Thus, it turns out that moral betrayal is falling in love, actions of a romantic nature in relation to a lover, in which there is no sexual connection. She will turn it into physical treason.

Is it possible to come to terms with the moral betrayal of a spouse

Even the above definition of moral betrayal is very conditional. And what to do, for example, with falling in love with an actor or singer? In general, in a public person? This is usually treated more simply, because such feelings are caused by the created image, and not by the person himself. But in some cases, such emotions can greatly complicate the relationship of the spouses.

In many ways, the ability to accept and forgive a spouse in case of moral treason depends on the worldview of the second spouse. For some, this does not mean anything serious, but for others it is more significant than physical betrayal.

Is it worth it to tell your spouse about your moral betrayal

Before you tell your soul mate about your feelings for another person, ask yourself: “What do I want to achieve?” If you feel that you no longer want to live with your spouse, but do not want to change, then tell. But first, remember that there is no turning back.

If this does not mean anything to you, then you should not make your spouse worry. Let's look at an example again, it will help to better understand the situation.

Katya and Sasha have been together, one might say, since childhood. They met when they were 15 years old. Immediately fell in love with each other. It's been 10 years, they are married, have a son, love each other.

But the fact is that Katya is an addicted person. She is not going to cheat on her husband, but she falls in love regularly. Often she falls in love with random fellow passengers on the bus. She doesn't even know their names, doesn't start talking to them, but she doesn't need to. She sees a person, creates in her imagination his manners, character, preferences. For 15 minutes, she scrolls her life with him, mentally gives birth to three children for him, grows old with him. And when the fantasy ends, the infatuation evaporates. Sometimes she dreams of meeting Sasha, being in a relationship with random fellow travelers. Here she is seized by passion, she gives up everything and begins to live happily with her most beloved spouse. So why bother Sasha?

And can such soaps be called moral treason? This is a really difficult question for which there is no single answer.

The main sign of betrayal, both moral and physical, is the desire to spend one's strength and energy on a lover. Therefore, not every hobby can be considered treason. In the example above, Katya fantasized when she had a free minute. Such thoughts did not occupy her for long. Here are some typical signs of cheating:

• a stranger seems closer to a spouse, you want to discuss the most intimate things with him;
• each meeting with him is special, it requires careful preparation, accompanied by excitement;
• he takes up all his free time, meetings are not random;
• you would feel embarrassed if your spouse witnessed your meetings with a “third party”;
• you discuss your personal life with a "third party", while criticizing your official partner and touching on the possibility of cheating on him;
• it seems to you that if this “third party” disappears from your life, then it will lose its meaning.

These signs apply to any type of infidelity. Even if it didn’t come to sexual relations, it’s still cheating. And everyone evaluates the severity of the consequences from it for himself.

Is all this true?

Sometimes you can doubt the veracity of the words of the spouse that there was no sexual desire. Suppose the husband admitted that he fell in love, but there was no betrayal in the classical sense. But what if the girl simply refused him, because she was not going to start an affair with a married man?

These thoughts will not give rest. How to understand that the husband is not lying? It is much more painful to feel that he cannot even change - no one needs him, and his wife, it turns out, picks him up.

A psychologist will help to overcome all doubts. He will show you how to separate emotions from thoughts and understand what you really want.

What the law says

Cheating is one of the grounds for divorce. However, the law does not recognize such a thing as moral treason. Only intimate relationships not with a spouse will be considered cheating. Moreover, there must be evidence of the fact of treason obtained legally. These include photographs and video recordings, telephone conversations and correspondence. We would like to once again draw your attention to the fact that only evidence that was obtained legally will be recognized as evidence by the court.

Even if there is no way to prove treason, the marriage can still be terminated at the request of one of the spouses or mutual unwillingness to live together. It is necessary to prove the betrayal of a spouse only in the case when there is no agreement on the division of property, custody of children and, accordingly, maintenance obligations

What hurts more

It is impossible to say for sure which betrayal is more painful. Moral betrayal always involves the presence of feelings. Thoughts are devoted to the "third party", it interferes in the relationship of the spouses.

At the same time, physical betrayal is sometimes not accompanied by any feelings. In this case, it occurs under the influence of external factors, alcohol, a significant quarrel in the family, or accidentally in the company of friends when they tease.

Therefore, in some way it may turn out that moral betrayal is more difficult to forgive and survive.

Of course it can. It's just a matter of time. Human nature is such that he needs intimate relationships. At the same time, platonic love cannot continue indefinitely.

In the future, such a betrayal can destroy the marriage, because nothing will connect the spouses, they will live as neighbors. Does it make sense to keep a relationship that doesn't exist?

The first signs of moral betrayal

Sometimes it can be difficult to understand that you are in a "state of moral betrayal." It's hard to even admit it to yourself. First, we ourselves do not always notice this. Secondly, you are not always able to determine for yourself what is treason. But here are the first signs that you or your spouse is cheating:

• you do not want to discuss the “third person” with your spouse, avoid talking about him in every possible way;
• you do not want to tell your spouse about something important, but to the “third person” - with joy;
• you are constantly waiting for him to write, call, pass by you;
• you often compare your spouse and the “third person”, while not in favor of the spouse;
• you think before going to bed about how your relationship would have developed.

Once you catch yourself having "unauthorized" thoughts, you can stop them. Don't let the situation get to the point where you have to apologize. That's why:

• limit communication with the “third person” to a minimum;
• spend more time with your spouse;
• discuss your relationship with him, develop a plan together to improve it.

How to Benefit Relationships from Cheating

No matter how wild it may sound, cheating can be an incentive for positive changes in family relationships. It will definitely make you stop for a moment and think, “What was wrong with the marriage?” A detailed answer to this question will become a kind of plan for the renewal of trust.

First you need to decide whether to save the marriage. If the salvation of the family is important to you, then the most important thing is never, under any circumstances, to remember or reproach the betrayal. This must be left in the past once and for all. Otherwise, cultivating a sense of guilt in the soul of a spouse will end in frequent quarrels, scandals, and eventually divorce.