I don't want a relationship to develop. Relationships don't develop. Constant need for affection

Hello! I am 26 years old. My young man is also 26. He works, I'm finishing university. We are what is called two pair of boots, both infantile and live with our parents.
We've been dating for 3.5 years. This is his first serious relationship. I had a boyfriend before him, but in fact there was nothing serious either.
Our meetings with the young man were at first infrequent, we met mostly once a week, sometimes on weekdays. We were both students, hanging out with friends and enjoying student life! In fact, the relationship was more like friendship than love, we talked a lot, got to know each other, made love, but at the same time both had freedom of action and at that time I didn’t need anything more.
But the years went by and after two years of relationship, when he graduated from the university, I raised the topic of marriage for the first time, to which the young man, to my surprise, replied that he was already planning to propose to me. Then there was the summer, which he spent with relatives abroad, and in the fall he went to work and nothing in the relationship has changed, but it only got worse. He did not make any proposal to me and I did not raise this topic anymore. We began to see each other less and less, began to quarrel more often, and for the first time thoughts of parting sounded. Then I still tried to find out, but what about the offer, why doesn’t he make it to me? Then he told me that I need another person who can give what I want, who can provide for me, but he cannot yet earn enough to support his family, and when he can, he himself does not know. Although I will not say that he earned little. All he could offer me was to continue all the same our relationship that they were before, if I still need it. He is a good person, besides, I know that he does not change me, that he strives in principle to earn money and is generally positive. Besides, I love him. And I decided that it was worth waiting for him, and I no longer wanted to leave my loved one.
But the desire to have a family became stronger and stronger, many girlfriends started families and had children. And I still continued my incomprehensible and even childish relationship. Until now, I do not know the guy's parents, we have never lived together.
And now, after three years of relationship, I realized that they stand still and do not develop. All my attempts to somehow correct the situation do not lead to positive results. The guy refused the offer to live together, because. does not want to live in a “civil marriage”. He also does not respond to my desire to meet his parents. All he offers me at the moment is to wait. Says it might follow. he will save up money and propose to me. Strictly speaking, it is not yet a fact that it will follow. year, and not in 3 or even 5 years. Since I noticed behind him that he talks a lot and does little.
Well, I behave just awful, I constantly terrorize him with the topic of marriage, one way or another, all my conversations and discussions come down to this favorite topic. How well married friends live, what a wonderful child a friend has, how much I want all this, etc. I just can’t stop talking about this topic, the boiling point has been reached and I’m only spoiling our relationship with my whining.
And my question is, how can I calm down and live in peace, while not talking about marriage with him at all and not killing him with this topic? And I would also like to know if my boyfriend powders my head, judging by his behavior, maybe you shouldn’t believe his words like that and talking about the proposal is just an attempt to keep me, but in fact he doesn’t need anything?

Sex instead of love

The first option is that relationships are not built on love, but on sex. In this case, the relationship may not develop, because the guy sees in you not a person with whom he wants to build something, but only an object of desire. If you understand that only a bed connects you with a man, then most likely you should not hope for the development of such a relationship. No matter how modern and liberated this world may be, if a man initially felt sexual attraction and immediately got what he wanted, but at the same time he did not have sympathy and love, then in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, a woman will become only a sexual object for a guy, with whom he has a good time and which he will forget about as soon as he meets someone he really likes.

Love destroys life

The second option is that relations with a man do not develop, because his feelings simply burned out. In this case, the woman needs to make sure that the young man again shows interest in you. Perhaps the reason that the guy began to cool down to you is routine and life. It is not uncommon for love to burn out due to the fact that a girl relaxes, stops taking care of herself, is not interested in the life of a young man, and does not try to somehow diversify everyday life. In this case, if the guy still has feelings, you need to quickly change your behavior. Remember what the young man liked most about you, take the initiative, let him receive pleasant surprises from you. If you do everything right, then there is a big chance that the relationship will get off the ground.

Fear of feelings

The third option is fear. It happens that relationships between people do not develop due to the fact that the guy simply begins to be afraid of his emotions. This is what happens when a young man seeks a lady's heart for a long time and finally gets it. Or when when he begins to realize that he is losing his temper because of the love of a woman. In this case, you should talk to your young man, because it is known that all problems can be solved only if you talk about them. Therefore, let your young man honestly admit what worries him, and you try to explain to him that his feelings will not bring him grief and you will try to do everything so that he does not doubt your love.

big demands

The fourth option - the relationship does not develop due to the fact that the young man is disappointed. This happens in cases where a guy does a lot for a girl, changes, eradicates bad habits in himself, abandons some principles, but over time, it seems to him that a woman does not appreciate these actions, and moreover, demands more and more. Therefore, if you really love a person and know that he is trying for you, stop demanding everything from him at once. Even if you are sure that you are doing it solely for his good. Do not forget that in the case when someone changes himself for the sake of another, not fully aware of the desire to change, in the end, this either breaks him or he breaks down. If you understand that the guy simply could not stand the pressure and therefore leaves the relationship, try to show him how much you appreciate all his actions. But most importantly, emphasize that you love him despite the minuses that you notice and his pluses are much more important to you. If a loving person sees that he is accepted and understood, he will definitely develop the relationship further and try to become even better.

A complete collection of materials on the topic: what to do if the relationship does not develop? from experts in their field.

You can, of course, do it easier - be offended, wipe your tears with a handkerchief and run away, far away from him. But, you see, all people are different. And if your man pulls the "cat by the tail", it does not always mean that he does not love. Maybe he lacks courage? Let's figure it out.

What to do if the relationship does not develop: “each hut has its own rattles”

From childhood, girls are taught that the initiative should come from a man. But in modern society, this rule does not always work one hundred percent. What can you do, among them there are indecisive "bunny cats" who need to be pulled on a leash for a serious conversation. In this case, you need to be a little more assertive yourself, and take over the palm. There are situations when a man does not need a girl. And then you can't do anything. In addition, "uselessness" is read in his behavior. (See also Liberation Was Colossal).

He calls when "nature requires." And after sex, he puts on his pants and leaves with the words: “I'll call!”. It is difficult to bring such a macho to a conversation about the family. But still, it’s not a sin to ask, what the hell is not joking, suddenly he will sharply change his mind and understand that without you - nowhere.

If you are the heroine of another story, such as giving flowers, making friends with your mother, but not leading to the registry office, then you need to work a little. Catch fate by the tail, as they say.

It is possible that this gentleman is timid. Therefore, in this case, your direct participation will be required. It also happens that a man clearly sympathizes with you, but does not call for marriage. It also looks strange, but still - take a closer look. Suddenly he has small problems in the form of the lack of his own housing, good earnings, so he cannot start a family yet.

There are many reasons why men do not develop relationships. And here it is necessary to consider each specific case. Sitting idly by is also not worth it. Eventually, the standby mode drains the battery.

What to do if the relationship does not develop: “everything in my power”

There are several options for behavior. You can wait, when, finally, the chosen one will "have mercy" and make an offer. Here you will certainly show the patriarchal nature of your upbringing, only you will be more exhausted than the result is worth. After all, it is far from a fact that family life will develop according to the “happily ever after” scenario.

You and him. You have been dating for a long time, but he is a very busy person, he has a lot of worries and work, and therefore less often than we would like. Once or twice a month, as a maximum, you go out to a restaurant or cafe, then, seized by outbursts of mutual passion, you go to you, spend a stormy night, and in the morning he kisses you gently and again goes deep into work for two weeks. No, he has not forgotten you, on the contrary, he is very attentive and gentle, he constantly calls, is interested in how the day went, talks about his day. And everything seems to be great. What a score! You have a great friend and lover!

But something is still not right. Somehow you don't think it's right. On his part, there is not the slightest attempt to bring closer and continue your relationship at a deeper level. And you dispersed, so to speak, already all the men in anticipation of a stormy successful romance. But with romance just stagnation. You never even quarrel, in principle, because you hardly see each other and there is nothing to complain about. And to say directly, as a friend advised: “I love you. You got me too. Let's live together!" you can not. Because by nature you are such a person that to say this is like death. However, you know perfectly well what you want: to fall asleep and wake up next to him. To have a man with you every evening. Let it be even a civil marriage, without stamps in the passport, but the main thing is that he be with you.

Get out of the vicious circle

You have a great character. You are tolerant, tactful, smart, beautiful, purposeful. It's always interesting with you, you're not ashamed in society, and it's great in bed. Communicating with you is a real pleasure, easy and relaxed. You are perfect! Why disturb such harmony? You are satisfied with everything and do not ask for anything for this. Is it all right? No not like this. And this means that you need to be able to stand up for yourself and turn the romance in the right direction yourself, since there are no actions from your partner.

Become unpredictable, completely break the usual rhythm of your relationship. A little inconsistency. So that he wakes up and finally begins to realize that not everything is so smooth.

For example, he calls you every evening after ten. And you turn off your phone. One, two, three nights in a row. What's happened? Yes, nothing special, things were all sorts.

Just take a little break. And everything is fine. Panic will start. He will begin to catch that you are slipping out of his hands, networks. He's an intelligent man! And what will an intellectual do in this situation? Increase attention! After all, he likes you, and he does not want to lose you! Things will calm down a little, start again. Come up with something immediate that he doesn't expect. For example, after dinner in a restaurant, you say that you are very sorry, but you cannot continue the banquet today, for example, an important meeting. Leave him in deep thought.

Of course, after all this, he will ask what is happening to you. Didn't she find another, didn't her feelings cool. In other words, he himself will enter into a serious conversation. And that's exactly what you need! And now you can calmly explain who you love and what are your plans for the future. If the end of the conversation does not suit you, you have the right to be offended. Give some sort of ultimatum. Either he accepts it or he doesn't. And if he really loves you and does not want to lose you, then he will have to accept it.

Risky, yes. But, as they say, who does not take risks does not drink champagne!

Our relationship is not developing. Why did the relationship stop developing? Relationships do not move forward, everything stands still.

Worried women and girls often write to the specialists of our Love-911 service. They cannot understand why the man with whom she began to meet and with whom, as it seemed to her, they have mutual feelings, does not take any steps to develop their relationship? The woman expects him to want to meet more often, introduce him to friends and parents, but this does not happen, the relationship seems to be hanging, and it is not known what to expect next, whether he plans to break up, or whether this is a normal development of events.

And then the woman does not understand: why is this happening, because of what the relationship stopped developing, and what to do? Many make attempts to change the situation, someone begins to actively attack and put pressure on a partner, someone, on the contrary, tries to provoke and shows coldness towards him. In some cases, this helps, but in others they are futile and even worsen the situation.

Of course, if you are faced with the same problem, and your attempts to get close to a man and develop a relationship have not been successful, then it is difficult to say offhand why this happened. There can be many reasons for this, so it is better to contact the specialists of our Love-911 service directly, they will help you figure it out and give you the necessary recommendations.

However, based on experience, we can name some reasons why relationships do not develop and a man does not make attempts to get closer to you. This will help you sort out the problem and fix the relationship.

Why are relationships not developing?

1. You talk a lot and don't listen.

You probably understand that for the beginning of a relationship, the little things that make us either touched by a person, or, conversely, annoy, are very important.
Here one of such trifles for men often becomes excessive female talkativeness.
For women, this is in many ways a way to relieve tension: when they are nervous, they chat incessantly, but for men, this is a machine-gun shot that you can’t even turn off when you want.
You may think this is a frivolous reason to refuse relationships, but when dealing with men, this factor is far from last.

And all because:
Firstly When you talk a lot, a man experiences fear at the mere thought of building a relationship, because if you talk so much now, then the “brain removal” in marriage will be provided.
Secondly, men believe that a woman who talks a lot is inattentive to what worries him, to what he talks about and talks about.
For men, it is very important to be significant and this significance must be maintained in him already at the beginning of your communication with him.

Therefore, if you notice that you talk a lot, then try to listen carefully to your man and show interest in what he says. If you are really not interested in what he says, then maybe you should not communicate?

2. A man does not trust you.

It is important that a man can trust you, only then he will consider the possibility of developing a relationship with you. If a man does not trust you, then he can only perceive you as a partner for sex.
The trust factor, of course, depends on your behavior and how you present yourself.
It is important here: how and where did you meet, how did you look, what were you wearing, how do you communicate with men, do you have many male friends, are you honest with your man?
If you have many such friends, then the man will not trust you, since the men themselves consider all such friends as potential lovers. It is only from the position of a woman that a man can be a friend, from the position of a man, friendship is good, but friendly sex is better.
Also, do not forget about social networks: what kind of friends do you have there, what photos do you post there, what is written in the questionnaire, are there any factors compromising you?
If you want a man to want to develop a relationship with you, then gain his trust.
But here you need to find a middle ground: you can’t just stop talking to everyone, remove all photos from the Internet and generally forget about acquaintances of the opposite sex. It is necessary to behave correctly if you want the relationship to not stop again at some point, reaching, for example, civil marriage. To do this, it is necessary that a man trust you, but at the same time understand that you can be taken away from him, then the man will not only want the development of relations, he will not pull with a marriage proposal.

3. You criticize a man and question his words.

It is important for a man to be accepted for who he is. Women, on the other hand, often constantly criticize their men: “You don’t give flowers, you don’t drive to restaurants, you don’t dress properly, you don’t talk like that.” You can continue indefinitely. Who among us is without flaws?
Remember that a man will run headlong from a woman who criticizes him and expresses her displeasure.
This does not mean at all that you have to babysit the men and endure everything that does not suit you, but it's one thing to say what you want to get, and quite another to say that they don't give you something.
So, for example, instead of saying: “You don’t give me flowers,” you can say: “I really want you to give me flowers.”

Instead of: "You don't take me to restaurants" - "Invite me to a restaurant."
Thus, you do not make claims, do not criticize the man, but simply say what you want. And a man who has feelings for you will gladly give you flowers and invite you to a restaurant, and also say thanks that you told him what you want from him.
Yes, of course, I want sensitivity and greater understanding on the part of men, but this is not their forte. Sensitivity is in the female part, so be indulgent and accept men for who they are.

4. A man has a different goal.

We must also say that, perhaps, your relationship is not developing because the man met you not in order to develop a relationship, but simply for the sake of regular sex.
It is clear that for every man in dealing with a woman at the initial stage, it is sex that is important and interesting. However, for a full-fledged man, sex is not the only reason for communication. A normal guy, and especially a man, will pursue the goal of developing.
Another thing is that a man, meeting a woman, began to lose interest in her, then you need to figure it out: what exactly was interesting to him in her, and what specifically attracted him?

Thus, we have listed the most common reasons why relationships do not develop. And, if you, after analyzing, saw that one of them concerns you, then try to change the situation and, perhaps, then your relationship will begin to develop.