Marrying a Turk: what national subtleties should you remember? Married to a Turk. Turkish men in relationships
August 28th, 2015 , 05:35 pm
“I want to marry a Russian” is the mantra of any Turk. But why? All these stories about “a Russian girl is well-groomed, thrifty, handsome” no longer impress me; Turkish women also have all the above qualities. Moreover, it is even more rare for Turks to marry a youthful beauty; they often get girls from the “secondary market,” so to speak. Those that are “stagnant” and are about to reach their expiration date. Although some people are lucky.
Therefore, when I once again heard sweet sighs from my Turkish colleague Mehmet at the sight of a Russian secretary (by the way, a so-so secretary), I could not resist and asked why Russian women seduce them? To my surprise, he began to answer willingly. It turned out that I was right. It’s not a matter of “beautiful - economical”.
Turkish men just want love. Tender, devoted and... free. Free - this is the main advantage of Russian mademoiselles.
After all, you can’t marry a Turkish woman “for beautiful eyes.” Behind her is her entire family, traditions, local customs and rules. A decent, educated, smart girl is expensive. Before marriage, her family will ask the groom for three keys - to the house, to the office and to the car. A woman who is a little less educated and less beautiful may be given away at a discount. But, in any case, you should already stand firmly on your feet, because in Turkey love is not in the first place. Much more important is the husband’s ability to adequately provide for his family and the father’s desire to place his daughter in good hands. Only the ugliest villages are given away for free.
Therefore, all financially unstable potential suitors who have not passed the casting turn their ardent glances towards Russian women, mentally wondering what brand they would give her for in their homeland. I don’t want to sell things on the cheap, but they don’t get too impudent, they stop in the Toyota area.
Why Russians? Because they are the least whimsical of all foreign women. Single Russian women, according to Mehmet, are not so concerned about the contents of their pockets; the main thing for them is to feel loved. Plus, with Russian girls there is no shame in going out into society; they are well versed in etiquette, fashion, and know how to behave in public. “True, they don’t cook as well and aren’t as clean as Turkish women,” Mehmet sighs sadly.
The Turks are also not overjoyed at the emancipation of Russian women. They are sociable, easily start romances, and you can go a long time without registering a relationship with them. The same can’t be said about a Turkish woman, if you flirted once, then get married.
Actually, all these qualities make Russian women the most desirable on the bride market. And now I completely understand this excitement.
Many of our beauties simply dream of meeting their only and beloved Turk, who would fall in love with one of these girls and take him with him to his sunny and friendly country. However, such dreams must be strived for. In this case, you need to know what a Turkish man is and how a girl should behave with him in order to start a family with this wonderful male representative.
Where to start your search?
A hot and handsome Turkish man can be found in our cities or social networks. Many of them have already heard about the indescribable beauty of local girls, who also sympathize quite strongly with the male population of Turkey.
However, as they say, the best juice is still to bask on the luxurious and snow-white beaches of your homeland. So if you have the opportunity to fly for several weeks to one of the resort cities of the above-mentioned state, then you should immediately run for plane tickets. Many readers of the wedding portal www.site say that loving and passionate Turkish men, whose hearts are not yet filled with true love, are constantly in search of the one with whom they would like to live the rest of their days. But the Turks are a very ancient nation with their own national subtleties and old-fashioned peculiarities in terms of the marital issue.
How to behave in the company of a Turkish man?
Any smart and devoted Turk must correspond not only externally, but also spiritually. Turkish boyfriends are famous all over the world for their ardent and hot temperament, but so far all this can only be described as a holiday romance.
If a respectable young man from the above-mentioned state falls in love with you, then he will carry this love throughout his life. This is why you too should be devoted to your significant other from abroad. Also, all Turks value family ties and centuries-old traditions, so do not be surprised if, after several easy and romantic dates, your man takes you to meet his family. Just remember that this is their custom and it means his most serious intentions. In this case, you must demonstrate love for your family and answer all the numerous questions about where you are from and who your parents are, and you must talk about it with interest.
Among other things, Turks love neatness and cleanliness in the house. But this does not mean at all that you will become some kind of slave who will do nothing but clean the house and wash the dishes. Turkish men always want to do things in family tandem with their significant other, so you shouldn’t show yourself careless and afraid to share all the hardships of everyday life. Some visitors to the wedding website Svadbaholik.ru can confirm to you that after a wedding, Turks generally try to do everything themselves and not bother their newly-wed wives over trifles. This is their marriage psychology.
Subtleties related to relocation and citizenship
It should be recalled that in order to directly move to the historical homeland of your future groom, you will need to collect a large number of documents, which include permission to leave the country, then obtaining a visa, and only then permission to extend this same visa for further residence abroad . After two years of legal marriage to a Turk, Turkish authorities will offer you permanent citizenship, which you can either accept or refuse.
In the end, I would like to add that the prevailing idea of Turkish men as womanizers of resort places is largely incorrect. The Turks are a very well-mannered and noble people who see in their wives only worthy girls who are capable of loving and being loved.
Unique and charming, a country located at the crossroads of continents and cultures, religions and ethnic groups. A country where the Middle Ages and modern times, ancient traditions and modern rhythm coexist. This is Türkiye, a state located in Europe and Asia. Ancient Istanbul (Constantinople), modern Ankara, wonderful beaches of the Turkish Mediterranean and resorts - Marmaris, Antalya, Alanya and the legendary Troy. And also more than a hundred beautiful cities, each of which is charming in its own way and attractive in its own way.
Türkiye is a fairly developed country. The Western way of life here is in many ways superior to the Eastern mentality of the locals. The latter call themselves Turks relatively recently, but before they were proudly called Ottomans. Warlike and prudent, the Ottomans were able to annex to their empire many lands conquered from their neighbors, primarily from Byzantium, the decline of which occurred during the heyday of the Ottoman Empire.
Is it possible to live in Turkey, you ask. And we will confidently answer: you can live in Turkey, and you can live well. There is everything for a quality life here: inexpensive, high-quality food and clothing, a mild warm climate, very, very intelligent people and an advantageous geographical location between Asia and Europe.
However, not all residents of this colorful country live very well. The Turks have enough problems. In particular, a huge percentage of the population lives below the officially established subsistence level. The brilliance and poverty here are pronounced enough to go unnoticed. The rich in Turkey are very rich and the poor are very poor. Look at any shopping area and you will see poor people pushing huge carts with bales in traffic for mere pennies. These are porters who deliver goods to customers. They cost resourceful merchants much less than the cheapest delivery.
According to various sources, from 30 to 40% of the Turkish population cannot read and write. Paradox? No, rather, it is a national feature.
However, there is also a Turkish middle class. These are small business owners, engineers, doctors and lawyers. These are officials of above-average rank and bank employees, managers of large hotels and administrative staff of industrial enterprises. The overwhelming majority are educated, cultured people, well versed in art and politics, who often travel abroad for a long time.
Marrying a Turkish citizen is not a problem or nonsense for a Russian woman. In principle, such marriages are not an exception, but a long-established rule. Every year, the Turkish Ministry of Internal Affairs issues hundreds of residence permits for foreign wives of Turkish citizens, most of whom are our compatriots. Many of these families are truly happy and live very, very well in Turkey. And some break up within the first year, or even after a couple of months. Why? There are actually several reasons; we will try to describe the most typical of them.
Attitude towards Russians
“Natasha” is a universal address to a Russian, Ukrainian, Moldavian, Belarusian woman, accepted in Turkish trading circles. Men are most often called “colleague.” Why? No one knows. However, Turkish men really don’t like it when their Russian wives continue to be called Natashas. Although Russians who live permanently in Turkey are sharply different from tourists and shuttle traders, and, accordingly, they are treated differently and have other, more civilized forms of treatment. In principle, there is nothing too offensive about Natasha and colleagues. But not for the Turks themselves. They attach a special meaning to these words, emphasizing their own importance and making friendliness superficial, obviously feigned.
However, despite the traditional Turkish snobbery, Russians are treated normally here. Our people know and understand our mentality, habits, and traditions very well. If a certain society does not accept one of our people, it is not due to misunderstanding. But rejection happens, and often.
The Turks are a fairly ancient people, with their own foundations and traditions, which have changed little over many years. The national cuisine, the way of spending weekends and holidays, the rhythm of life and the family structure remain the same as they were at the beginning of the twentieth century.
The common myth that Turkey is a place where professional residential professionals are concentrated turns out to be just a myth. In fact, young Turks who are actively looking for girlfriends are most often mistaken for professionals. Like all eastern peoples, Turks are characterized by increased sexual activity, especially in their youth. Hence the whirlwind beach romances and all sorts of legends about the extraordinary masculine power of Turkish womanizers.
However, residents of big cities have been living in a Western manner for quite some time, adhering little to the old canons. If your husband is a native of Ankara or Istanbul, then most likely he is a completely modern person, and his parents will not look at you as a representative of another civilization.
This does not always apply to residents of small towns and villages. Traditions and prejudice against foreigners in general and Russians in particular are still strong there. The Russian wife of a local resident will be considered by those around her to be almost a prostitute who has seduced an unfortunate, narrow-minded fellow villager. It will take a lot of effort and many years to break the stereotype. Moreover, the stereotype can only be broken in relation to oneself; other Russian wives will be perceived in exactly the same way.
And since many small towns are located in resort areas, their residents have seen enough of our compatriots and their habits of vigorous and not always moderate rest. Hence the suspicious attitude towards “Natashas” who marry their relatives.
Often Turkish parents do not accept their sons' Russian wives, and such families are forced to live separately, away from their father's house. If the relationship in such a family is truly kind and sincere, the husband will relatively easily overcome the difficulties associated with the deterioration of relationships with loved ones. If not, the matter will most likely end in divorce.
Recreation and traditions
Turks go to visit with or without reason. More often than not, they don’t warn you about the visit in advance, but just pop in for a quick sneak peek. This trait of the Turkish character causes persistent rejection among most foreigners, even among Russians, who, in principle, until recently did the same.
In principle, a Turkish family can not only “drop in” for a visit just like that. They themselves are ready to receive guests at any time. It is not customary to set tables here; fruits, mandatory tea, soft drinks, and sweets are placed on the table.
Residents of Turkey do not really like to spend their holidays abroad, perhaps because the country has more than enough picturesque places offering holidays for every taste and budget. When Turks travel abroad, they most often go to work. Often from long voyages they bring not only money, but also foreign wives.
The average urban family willingly visits restaurants. As a rule, they try to choose a well-known establishment not far from home, where they have been going for many years, know the owners well and generally feel at home.
Beach holidays are the lot of single Turkish men. Family going to the beach is, in principle, a rare occurrence. Why? Very simple. Turks go to the beach to meet people. However, having a Russian wife and enough tolerance, the Turkish husband will still go to sea, although not very willingly.
Money issue
Salary in Turkey is such a flexible concept that it is almost impossible to derive its average range. Most employees employed in trade have a percentage of sales. The salary of production workers depends on qualifications, on the state of affairs in the company, and even on the geographical location of the enterprise. Typically, workers are paid between $200 and $500 (the upper limit is very rare).
The highest salaries for unskilled personnel are in trade and tourism. A salesperson in an average Turkish store receives 300-700 dollars a month, an animator in a good hotel - 300-500. Almost all stores practice a system of bonuses and incentives, where the seller receives a small percentage of each sale. Considering the volume, the salary with bonuses can reach a thousand or more. But getting such a job is not so easy; those who speak Russian are especially in demand.
A lot of Turkish citizens work abroad. This is Germany, the States, and of course, the former USSR. Turkish companies build residential buildings and various facilities - stadiums, hospitals, hotels, production workshops. Salaries of those working abroad can reach 1000-1500 dollars per month. Of course, this perfectly characterizes the state of finances of the average Turkish citizen. It is logical to assume that a person who travels far away to work in construction for the average Moscow salary is not wealthy.
If your chosen one is not a very wealthy person, then you will most likely have to look for a job. As mentioned above, knowledge of the Russian language is considered a great advantage. It is worth paying attention to hotels or shops in areas where people from the CIS countries traditionally shop.
Expenses
The Turks, for the most part, are not very tight-fisted. It is customary to save money here when there is really not enough money. The average Turkish family tries to live as best as possible - to have a normal car, to make good repairs in an apartment or house.
Since Türkiye is famous for its light industry, there are no problems with buying clothes here. If your spouse has many friends and good business acquaintances, most likely you will be given discounts in their stores, and the discounts are significant. In Turkey, it is generally customary to give discounts in exchange for discounts - this form does not imply significant savings, but it does provide an opportunity for both parties to receive moral satisfaction from the process itself.
In addition, money is spent on food and going to restaurants, on gifts for numerous relatives, and on jewelry. Turks prefer gold. It is customary to give products made of precious metal to loved ones for birthdays and anniversaries. Gold is especially often given as a gift for a wedding. Even not very rich people try to buy a massive product as a gift in order to show off the eyes of the other guests.
As elsewhere in the East, gold of 750 purity and higher (18+ carats) is respected in Turkey. It is considered prestigious to present the bride with a ring made of 900-carat gold (21 carats) with a large stone, or a massive chain with a large pendant.
585 standard gold is in use only among visitors. Turks rarely purchase such products.
Utilities, rent, expenses for food and clothing, payment for medicine, which in Turkey, although paid, is not very expensive - these are all the expenses of the average Turkish family.
Housing problem
In Turkey, it is customary to live in your own apartment. Richer people are trying to buy or build their own home. Living in a rented apartment is considered a temporary condition, and Turkish families literally bend over backwards to save money for a house or apartment.
Utilities in big cities are not very expensive, about the same as in an average Russian city.
There is no hot central water supply here; each apartment has a water heating tank, and solar collectors are installed on the roof to heat the water from the sun. On the one hand, such a system is very economical - with more than 250 sunny days a year, electricity is saved, and hot water heated during daylight hours is more than enough for a day. The disadvantage of such an autonomous system is precisely its autonomy - the maintenance and repair of the solar boiler falls on its owner. In addition, at negative temperatures, and the night frost in Turkey in winter is a no-no, and it happens, the water in the collector can freeze and tear the thin walls of the copper tubes. In this case, replacement of rather expensive parts will be required.
Living in the same house with your husband’s parents is a dubious pleasure. Even if the spouse’s family is very intelligent, one should not have any illusions - the difference in mentalities and habits will do its job, conflicts are inevitable. The cause of the conflict can be anything, from a dirty plate being left behind to spices not being added to the dish. A spoiled, in the mother-in-law’s opinion, dinner that the “inept” daughter-in-law treated her husband and father to. Also, an item of underwear left in a visible place can cause a storm of indignation, and sometimes a serious scandal.
Often, trying to please her mother-in-law and please her family, the daughter-in-law incurs even greater anger. As soon as the father-in-law praises his daughter-in-law’s cooking, or, God forbid, her appearance, she becomes, in addition to everything else, a source of jealousy. In general, you are unlikely to like life in an Eastern family.
Therefore, try to find out whether your chosen one has the opportunity to live separately from his parents, and if not, do not rush to make a decision to move.
Children
Turks love children. The offspring are pampered in every possible way, without being denied almost anything. However, upbringing in Turkish families is quite strict.
Religion in Turkey is separated from the state. Therefore, the school curriculum does not include Islamic lessons. And yet the influence of religion is felt, and cannot but be felt in an Islamic country. Be prepared to have a male child circumcised at the age of twelve. The procedure is not pleasant, but it is performed by experienced specialists who have performed tens of thousands of similar operations. However, modern families in big cities increasingly prefer to have circumcisions done in clinics.
If you have children from a previous marriage and you want to take them with you to Turkey, keep in mind that the children's team receives newcomers, and especially foreigners, very, very suspiciously, often with hostility. We need to pay attention to this problem, communicate more often with teachers and parents of other children. It is better to establish friendly relations with several families whose children study in the same class as your child, go to visit them with your son or daughter and let them communicate with peers in an informal, so to speak, atmosphere.
The language barrier is a minor problem. Children usually learn language very quickly, much faster than their parents. The usual childish curiosity and spontaneity are evident. But at first, language can become a serious obstacle and a source of all sorts of misunderstandings. To avoid most of them, give your child maximum attention and ask your spouse to practice language with him.
Problems of misunderstanding and rejection by Turkish society can accumulate like a snowball. As a result, if you overlook the problems of a child’s communication with peers, you can get into very big trouble.
In case of divorce, children traditionally remain with their mother. Unless the family of the ex-spouse has very great weight and influence, and the mother, accordingly, does not have a controversial reputation. However, removing a child after a divorce is a frankly difficult procedure, requiring the consent of the ex-husband, which is very difficult to obtain. The fact is that Turks really love their children. And besides, losing an heir by sending him to a distant snowy country is considered a great shame. Of course, they won’t talk about this to your face, but they will whisper behind your back.
Citizenship
Türkiye recognizes dual citizenship. The question is whether your country recognizes it. Russians have no problem with this, but Ukraine recently passed a new law according to which Ukrainians who have become subjects of foreign powers must renounce Ukrainian citizenship.
Marriage with a Turkish citizen is, from the state’s point of view, an argument for obtaining Turkish citizenship. It is enough to live in an official marriage for three years, and you can apply for citizenship.
Children from previous marriages also have the right to obtain Turkish citizenship on the same basis as a mother who married a Turkish citizen.
Conclusions.
The main sign of a prosperous mixed family is great love. Only if you truly love your chosen one, and if he shows reciprocal feelings, can you count on the success of a Turkish marriage. Marriages of convenience usually fail, and there is little point in simply going abroad “with your husband” using a Turkish citizen.
Turkish men are storytellers. Stories about a magnificent villa on the coast, a luxury car, a prestigious job can in fact turn into a miserable rented apartment in the shopping district of Istanbul, a broken-down “dacha” and a sales position in a fashion store.
Try to find out which region of the country your chosen one is from. If it is a large industrial city, everything is fine. If this is a village or a remote area, this is a reason to be wary and take a close look at the manners and style of your future spouse.
Discuss immediately the possibility of living separately. Remember that the best relationships with your husband's parents are formed at a distance. It’s better to visit each other than to live under the same roof and adapt to your mother-in-law.
If your children come with you to Turkey, pay maximum attention to their problems and immediate needs. The most important thing for your children is relationships with peers. If this happens, the rest will follow.
Before you decide to move, think about whether you are ready to change your lifestyle, many habits, and traditions. You will have to adapt to local customs, give up much that you consider natural, and accept much that is unusual and strange.
Türkiye is a warring country. Firstly, Turkish units are involved in almost all conflicts in which NATO is involved. But the most important thing is not this. Most importantly, Turkey has compulsory military conscription. Conscripts, especially those of non-Turkish origin, cannot advance in the army even to the level of sergeant. And there is nothing to talk about the officer rank, since military schools that train officers are accepted from the age of 14-15. All this suggests that your son from a previous marriage will not only have to go through a rather harsh path of integration into Turkish society, but also serve military service.
Also recommended reading:
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Today I have guests from Turkey on my blog!
Alexandra was born in Ukraine, but has been living on the shores of the Aegean Sea for 5 years. IN HER BLOG she writes a lot about life, travel, as well as everything related to a healthy lifestyle and proper nutrition.
Especially for my project, Alexandra told her very unusual story of meeting her Turkish husband, and also gave practical advice: what documents are needed and which authority should be contacted in order to register a marriage with a Turkish citizen.
Where it all began..
Alexandra: I have been living in Turkey for five years now, and I constantly hear the same question from our compatriots: “How to marry a Turk?” Now, girls, your time has come. Today I drank several glasses of “coffee” and am ready to share all the secrets.
Before you marry a Turk, you need to get to know him:) The first misconception of our girls is that you should look for a Turkish groom not in the library, but in sunny resorts. In fact, this is fate, and a fatal acquaintance can take place either at a university, in a bar, or even on the Internet. It was through the Internet that I met my future husband.
I’m not very eloquent in terms of describing the details of our acquaintance, but my husband loves to tell how long he spent trying to find me, and how many circles of hell he had to go through: from flying to another country to meeting my mother.
In fact, that's how it happened. Seven years ago, seeing my photo on one of the social networks, my Turk could not resist. He wrote to me about what a “beautiful girl” I was, but, of course, he received no answer. And how could I answer? At that time I was still a student at the National Shipbuilding University, a shipbuilding engineer, the daughter of a high school teacher in physics and mathematics. Internet dating?? Definitely not for me!
But the husband turned out to be not one of those who give up easily. He wrote me huge letters every day, to which one day he received only a couple of lines from me: “I am not interested in any relationship, especially with a Turk.” In a strange way, it was these two lines that became the beginning of our love story :)
We began to communicate almost every day, talking about everything in the world: history, geography, culture, politics... About everything except love. We became so close that we couldn’t spend a day without each other. After six months of such communication, he firmly decided to come to me.
Second phase
At that time, I just began to think that I would not mind marrying a Turk. But he didn't come. I didn’t have time to apply for a visa. Needless to say, I was very upset. I thought there was no limit to my stupidity! How could I decide that something could come of online dating? Nevertheless, I continued to communicate with him, although without the same enthusiasm. Apparently he sensed this because he made a second attempt to get to me.
This time he applied for a visa, bought a ticket, and we agreed that I would come to meet him. And already at the entrance to the airport, I first received a message that the flight was delayed, and then that the flight was canceled altogether! No, well, can you imagine how I felt at that time? And after the call from relatives, who only added fuel to the fire? He still remembers what I told him then.
Apparently, my Turk realized that if he didn’t come right now, then he had absolutely nothing more to hope for, because, I don’t even know how, he managed to buy the last ticket on a flight of another airline at three high prices and fly to me on the same day!
All this time, while he was resolving the issue with tickets, I was sitting at the airport, completely broken and devastated, cursing myself for what it was worth. Suddenly the doors opened, and my future husband appeared, stripped by our customs almost down to his underpants! Yes, he had a hard time at all :) But it was not in vain!
Happy ending
We had a wonderful time in Ukraine, then continued our long-distance relationship for several more years. Everything was so wonderful that in the end I made the final and strange decision for me: “I’m ready to marry a Turk!” And she moved to live in sunny Turkey.
But that's a completely different story.
I know a lot of Russian-Turkish love stories with a happy ending, I also know a lot of stories where the marriage ended in separation and divorce. The fate of each person is unique. And if you are thinking about whether it is worth marrying a citizen of another country, then I can advise you only one thing: follow the call of your heart, but do not forget about your mind!
So, if you have finally decided to join your destiny with a Turkish citizen, then you need to prepare the following documents:
For the bride:
- A notarized document stating that you are single in your country (that you have no obstacles to getting married). This document can be done both at home and at the consulate in Turkey.
- International passport
- Birth certificate
All documents must be translated into Turkish by an officially registered translation agency. Make sure that the translation agency puts a special inscription on the translations stating that they guarantee the accuracy of the translation. Carefully check the translated text, especially the spelling and transliteration of all names, surnames, and places of residence. Translations must be certified apostille.
For the groom:
- A document confirming that he is not married, or, if married, then divorced.
- Passport
For both:
- Take a blood test for HIV and hepatitis and do fluorography in one of the hospitals that have the right to issue health certificates for marriage registration (a list of hospitals can be found on the state website.
- 4 photos for each
Originals and copies of all documents with photographs and a medical report must be submitted for verification to the registry office at the place of residence. When the check is completed, you will receive a call with the date of your wonderful day.
Good luck!
Alexandra Podlipnaya
Interview: Anastasia Chukovskaya, Elena Gantimurova
Alena, 48 years old, Antalya, Türkiye
Alena with her husband, 2004Photo: from personal archive
About love
I was 36 years old, I held a large position in a commercial company in Moscow. I was married for 17 years, two children were finishing school. Once at work they gave me a bonus: “Get a ticket to Turkey, finally relax.” I had a great time on the beach and took part in local activities, such as the Turkish Night, which takes place in the caravanserais. This is a great event to experience local cuisine, Turkish songs and dances. There were about 600 of us in the hall. It’s still a mystery to me how he, accidentally looking into the hall, spotted me in the crowd. And I didn’t even notice him. The next day, a representative of a travel agency found me and invited me to come to their office. I arrived and a serious, intelligent man was waiting for me. We talked as best we could with my clumsy English. I didn’t attach any importance to this meeting, but we exchanged phone numbers.
I returned home and he started sending me text messages. To be honest, it was very nice. By that time, my marriage was cracking at the seams; I had had a bad relationship with my husband for many years. But I threw myself into work: I ran to the office early in the morning, returned late in the evening and tried to drive away the thoughts that this needed to be solved somehow. At some point, I began to understand that children were growing at an incredible speed, soon they would have families themselves, and who would I be left with? With a man who drinks beer in front of the TV and also chases me back and forth? I went to get a divorce.
This happens in novels. A Turkish acquaintance of mine flew to Moscow and almost at the plane’s exit presented me with a diamond ring with the words: “Marry me.” I must say that I answered “yes” out of politeness - the man tried, he chose the ring, it had to be something... something to say. I decided that we’ll sort it out there. I could not imagine that my fate was being decided at that moment. Moreover, he was still married then, and I did not believe that he would get divorced. But that's exactly what happened. When my relatives found out that I was going to give up everything and go to Turkey with him, they decided that I had gone crazy.
About the move
I flew to Antalya before the New Year. I fell out of the plane with a huge number of suitcases, the largest of which contained kilograms of Russian books. 10 years ago we didn’t yet use all these e-readers into which you could upload as much literature as you wanted. I also had a huge box with a Chinese Christmas tree with me, because New Year is coming soon. He said, "You're crazy." We were driving home, and along the road there were trees with blood oranges and small Christmas trees in tubs: “Shall we buy a live one and plant it in the garden? Why do we need your plastic one?”
About politics
For the last few days we have only been discussing what happened. There is a pluralism of opinions in our family: my husband is saddened that many years of friendship are ending in this way - on Turkish television, without cutting anything out, they showed Putin’s synchronization about a “stab in the back.” But at the same time he jokes: on the other hand, he says, if you don’t go to Russia now, they won’t take you. And my father-in-law from the center of the country is adamant in his loyalty to the AK party. We live in a region that thrives on tourism, they know Russians here, there are a lot of joint businesses, so it’s quite difficult to turn our Turks against the Russians. But in Turkish villages, where not a single Russian has ever been, they watch TV, and they are shown a rally of some politician who says: “This is not the first time this has happened, we sent notes of protest for several weeks, we warned, and now this happened , we were just defending our borders,” and the crowd applauds in response. What will the audience think?
About the consequences
The reaction was not long in coming; hotel reservations were being cancelled, planes from Russia were arriving almost empty. Local travel agencies are planning to get rid of their excess employees by the end of November; these are mostly Meskhetian Turks and Russian girl guides. An acquaintance told the story of her friends: a Turkish husband, a Russian wife and a common child flew to Moscow. At customs they said: mother and child can get through, but you are not welcome. The family did not split up and returned back to Turkey. In neighboring Belek, the golf courses are empty, but every year at this time football teams from Russia came there for training and competitions.
With Turkish relatives, 2005Photo: from personal archive
My husband is a doctor, a respected person in our coastal region. In the summer there are many patients from Russia in our clinic, but if they don’t come, we, of course, will survive: people from all over Turkey come to us for treatment.
About fear
It seems to me that fear of IS (a terrorist organization banned in Russia - TD) is widespread in society, it can be felt. Nobody here is ready to wear a burqa, although we have many different Muslim groups. But my Muslim friends always emphasize: we are for peace, human life is valuable, and it doesn’t matter whose it is. Where in the Koran does it say that we must kill? Everyone is nervous, the other day a Turkish TV channel showed the arrest of two journalists for publishing an article about the government having ties with the Islamic State. On the other hand, the gendarmerie conducts raids, and those suspected of links to ISIS are checked by the police.
About national differences
There was no question of religion among us. My husband and I are both secular people, I am a Christian, he is a Muslim. This is not a conflict situation for us. I wear long skirts, but I dressed like that in Moscow too. Yes, it was difficult for me to get used to some things, for example, greeting elders. I couldn’t come up and kiss the person’s hand and touch my forehead with it, I had some kind of barrier. But now this is how I show love and respect to my elderly fathers-in-law: it took me ten years. I got used to and appreciated the traditions that my husband adheres to. We always have dinner together, and nothing from the outside world should distract us from our meal together. I have yoga in the morning, so I don’t have breakfast, but I always sit with my husband while he eats: this is our time. In Moscow, I myself changed the wheels of my car, but here this is unacceptable: there are women’s affairs, and there are men’s. Dealing with a car that has been towed to an impound lot or whose spark plugs need to be replaced is not my business, but my husband’s. And nothing else.
Elena, 33 years old, Moscow, Russia
left: Murat and Elena
right: Murat fishingPhoto: from personal archive
About the first meeting
I was born in Naberezhnye Chelny and lived in Kazan for many years. Living among those who profess a different faith and speak a different language has become familiar to me since childhood, just as the sounds of prayer in the mosque and the Tatar language that we learned at school are familiar to me. Later, I easily learned Turkish precisely because I had already learned a similar language as a child. My husband and I met more than 10 years ago, I was 24 years old then. He lived in Moscow since 1992, learned Russian, graduated from MISS and then created his own company. Murat started visiting me in Kazan. Once I paid him a visit in Moscow. “Marry me, I need you, move in with me,” he says. We had to decide on something, otherwise we would have remained 800 kilometers from each other. And I answered him: “You will have to ask my parents for your hand in marriage.” I didn’t tell them that I was dating a foreigner, I didn’t want them to worry that someone was stealing their daughter.
About mentality
We have already gotten used to each other, but the difference in mentality sometimes manifests itself. I used to have male friends, but among the Turks this is unacceptable: what is it like to be friends with a person of the opposite sex? What kind of friendship can there be? Our traditions do not clash, my husband has lived in Russia for a long time, he loves our country very much, he is close to nature, loves winter, swam in an ice hole, goes hunting and fishing, loves dumplings.
It was quite difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that there is a clear distribution of roles in the family. Murat immediately told me: you won’t work, rest, take care of the house, and getting food is my concern. Now we have two children. Turks love children very much, they do not hesitate to show care and participation, both when they are sick and when they can just play.
About jealousy
Not all of my friends understand our marriage. How can you constantly ask your husband for time off if you have some plans? In our family, everything is with the consent of the husband. They say that Turkish women are capricious, and a Russian woman is an outlet for a Turkish man. A real woman needs just such a man, behind whom she is like behind a stone wall. And the jealousy of the Turks is due to the fact that they value their woman, they do not want to lose and share with someone. A woman should carry herself with dignity. To be a true keeper of the hearth, a caring mother, a loving wife. It seems to me that in our marriage, first of all, I learned feminine wisdom. I gained incredibly loving relatives. Although we are of different religions, we respect each other’s traditions, we try to visit our family in Turkey twice a year and look forward to visiting them in Moscow. Our relatives call us every day now, everyone is worried.
From the family archivePhoto: from personal archive
About politics and hatred
Problems with business began when Russia quarreled with Ukraine and agreements began to be cancelled. After more than twenty years in Russia, Murat no longer thinks simply as a Turk, so it seemed fair to him that Crimea returned. It's amazing how much hatred is pouring out from all sides now. My husband calls journalists on television not journalists, but scriptwriters who manipulate viewers. There are already calls on television to support Kurdish terrorists. The husband believes that this whole situation has escalated with the help of Europe and America, that it is beneficial for them to destroy many years of friendship, they have their own interests. In politics, it is important to control your emotions. Everyone needs to cool down. But apparently, until Russia shoots down even more warplanes in response, no one will calm down. Because of everything that is happening, I don’t understand how to continue living. We were going to leave for Turkey, two months ago I was for it, now I’m against it. I don't feel like my children are protected. In Russia I am protected, not my husband, but in Turkey it’s the other way around. There are nationalistic attacks on the Turks, on the Turks, on the Internet, it even seems to me that these are special paid trolls writing. Other Turkish wives sent me a petition to Putin and Astakhov to sign, so that Turkish men and our children could calmly continue their lives in our country. We have children with Turkish names. I worry that their peers may start to disparage them because their families may speak unflatteringly about Turks.
Lilya, 45 years old, Oba, Türkiye
About love
Lily with her familyPhoto: from personal archive
My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years, our daughter is nine. I am from Voronezh, my husband is from Kirsehir, which is 100 kilometers from Ankara. I worked in a travel agency, I had business trips to Turkey. He worked as a driver for this company. At first we corresponded, often did not understand each other due to imprecise English. They walked towards each other carefully, as if through a minefield. My future husband took a ticket and flew to Russia to show his serious intentions - with a ring and a bouquet for my mother. I was perplexed - we have such a language barrier, I speak English, he speaks German, we practically can’t talk, but here it is.
A year later, I flew to Turkey for work and to visit him. Summer is a very difficult season for work, so we met rarely, went to a restaurant, tried to communicate. The contract ended, I had to fly home, but he persuaded me to try living together. I was worried, I had a distrustful attitude towards the East. When I agreed, his mother arrived first. We explained things on our own, but she was very friendly and we liked each other.
Now both my mother and sister have moved here. My son from his first marriage is 25 years old and works in tourism. We have a life here.
About politics
The whole family is worried, both mine and my husband’s. We are very sorry that this happened between our countries, but no one is in a hurry to pack their things. I generally welcome patriotism, but now I notice that on Russian television there is incomprehensible aggression towards the Turks, with incomprehensible slogans they are awakening some kind of crowd syndrome. Massive patriotic madness causes me to protest. Why do people change so dramatically? I used to wonder why the Ukrainians, with whom the Russians lived together for many years, began to scold us and avoid us, and now the same will happen to the Turks. Russians do not see or know Turkish life from the inside. And the Turks also work and raise children. Why did they suddenly become this and that for Russians? People allow themselves offensive words, it looks as if some kind of command was given.
From the family archivePhoto: from personal archive
My friends from Russia want to come to us for the New Year, but there are no tickets. They will fly through Minsk. Where we live, there is no resentment towards the Russians; on the contrary, everyone I know regrets what happened. They wonder why the attitude towards everything Turkish has changed so dramatically. But the Turks always say: “Yes, it will work out somehow, we’ll solve everything.” Nobody runs shouting: “You’re Russian, you need to be cut.” There is nothing like that here, this is some kind of persecution in Russia.
About language and traditions
The language was difficult at first. I wondered why my husband, getting out of bed in the morning, began frantically looking for... a bed. He just got up from her. But it turns out he can’t find the tie. "Kravat" in Turkish is a tie. We didn’t have any questions with religion, my husband has a completely secular European family, many relatives live in Holland and Germany. It wasn’t that it was difficult for me to get used to Turkish traditions, I just didn’t understand some things. For example, Kurban Bayram. Why slaughter animals?
And then years passed, and I looked at it from the other side, this is the time when relatives from different places get together and perform a ritual: cook meat, treat neighbors. How to go to barbecue. We rarely have arguments about clothes; I can wear a short skirt. My husband sometimes tells me that my neckline is too deep or that my skirt looks like a young woman’s. And I answer: “Yes, 45 - a berry again.” My mother-in-law gave me Turkish shalwars, so I wear them at home with pleasure, they are comfortable for me.
Natalia, 37 years old, Alanya, Türkiye
Natalya with her husband
About politics
Everyone in our family is worried. And my friend, who a month ago went to Russia with her child to stay with her mother, is now afraid to return to her husband. The family was divided. Her husband, a Turk, is very upset and says he will go to the consulate to complain. But what can he do? There are already rumors that they may not be allowed to leave Russia to join their family here.
About family
I worked for a travel agency, spent eight months in Turkey, and returned to Russia for the winter. My husband and I met five years ago. When I left him for the winter for the first time, he gave me a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day. He is very attentive, patient, caring. And he doesn't drink. I sometimes say: “Let’s have a drink, we need it urgently.” But no. My son from his first marriage lives with us, he is 16 years old. He already has Turkish friends, he goes to the wrestling section, but he misses Russia. Difficult age. And he doesn't drink. I sometimes say: let’s have a drink, it’s urgent. But no Sometimes, if something goes wrong, the husband talks to him, they find a common language. My husband has many nephews, he loves children, but he can’t breathe on our child. He is now six months old.
Natalya with her child
My husband's parents live in Mahmutlar, separately from us. My mother lives with us, she is happy with her son-in-law. She says that he is polite and kind and always watches her facial expression - she is pleased. My mother-in-law is a closed woman, she prays, but my husband’s sisters are modern. I was received very well. Sometimes we don’t have enough vocabulary, then we each take up our own dictionary, and then there’s no time to sort things out.
About mentality
Sometimes little things that I wouldn’t pay attention to drive him crazy. For example, my housemates greet me but not him. And maybe they see me more often, I’m walking with my child. The husband is offended. It’s like this with clothes: they don’t seem to be very revealing, but it’s hot in the summer. In the morning I get dressed and ask: can I go like this? Yes, you can. And in the evening you come home: “Did you wear that?!” I don’t wear floor-length skirts, I don’t like them. Previously, his jealousy was sharper, but now it has calmed down. There are no reasons, but it takes time for a man to trust. We walk down the street, he always seems to want to hide me from everyone, to close me off. If he sees that I’m seriously angry, he immediately grabs my heart. He says I need validol urgently. I cook for my husband, he eats everything except borscht: he doesn’t like borscht.
Anna, 31 years old, Konakli - Pyatigorsk
Anna with her husband
About how it all began
Two years ago, a friend told me about a photographer she knew: he was Turkish and was looking for a Russian-speaking employee for the season. I volunteered to go to Turkey to work in his company. The newly appointed boss, without any special courtship, very reasonably and seriously explained to me that he liked me and he wanted us to start a family. The season ended, and we came to me in Pyatigorsk. My husband speaks Russian and four other languages. He liked the city and the people. We have a lot of Caucasians, so he didn’t feel like a stranger. And there are Turks in Pyatigorsk: they have enterprises in the wholesale market, and in our pharmacology there are students from Turkey.
About family
All my distant and close relatives are international, there are Ukrainians, Circassians, Armenians, Germans, and everyone lives well and treats each other with respect. Among our friends in Pyatigorsk there is an Armenian family, and it is not true that Turks and Armenians cannot be friends. My relatives, when they got to know my fiancé better, said: “This is our guy.” Mom realized that I truly fell in love.
It is not true that Turks and Armenians cannot be friends
