Life with a guy. How to start a life together with a man
For a couple, sooner or later, the issue of cohabitation becomes relevant. This is a transition to a new level of relationships. And in order for it to pass safely, without disappointments and conflicts, you need to prepare for it. How to start living with a guy? Let's figure it out.
How to start living with a guy: what is the first thing?
You have been dating a guy for a long time. Relationships seem cloudless, full of love and romance. You begin to make joint plans, which means that your romance has reached a more serious level. How to start living with a guy, there is no clear instruction. But there are some recommended tips to help avoid mistakes:
- Don't make decisions based on emotion. The issue of cohabitation must be carefully considered. Look into the eyes of reality. Now you meet only in the evenings, there is romance around you. But everyday life isn't all about dating. Living together is the life of two adults with different habits. You have to get to know your partner from a completely different perspective. And you need to be ready for this.
- If you have doubts, don't hide them. Possible problems should be discussed in advance. This may reinforce your desire to live together or let you know that the decision is premature.
What mistakes should be avoided? You discussed the pros and cons and decided to live together. We must be prepared for the fact that there are many difficulties ahead:
- Now you need to learn how to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your loved one. You may need to change your habits and lifestyle. You and your young man will need to adjust and adapt to each other.
- Try not to limit the freedom of your partner. Do not forbid your man to communicate with friends, respect his environment.
- Do not forget about your interests, live life to the fullest, do what you love. Do not immediately turn into a housewife.
- Do not idealize your young man, do not make too high demands on him. Remember that he is a simple man with his own shortcomings.
- Do not allow advisers into your family. Try to solve all problems together without involving third parties. No one but the two of you can sort out your conflicts. Outside intervention can only exacerbate the situation.
Respect each other's opinion, don't argue. Heated arguments can leave an indelible mark on a relationship.
The romantic candy-bouquet period in a relationship logically leads to the fact that the lovers begin to live together. And when you ended up in the same territory, pushed snowboards, mixers into the corners and determined the place for the “plasma”, ordinary life began.
It is at this stage that “they lived happily ever after” ends all beautiful love stories, but the most interesting begins: having occupied a common living space, you will slowly begin to find out who is responsible for leaking taps, clean floors, delicious dinners. And we still have to agree on where you celebrate the main holidays, how you spend your vacation, how you treat guests. And, if you already have children (people with children after a divorce also meet love and get married, yes) - who and when picks them up from kindergarten schools.
“To get used to means to create a family frame, which is built from rituals, common habits, agreements and an understanding of what is acceptable in your relationship and what is not.”
This period in a relationship is inevitable, logical and natural, so the main thing is to understand what is actually the cause of the sudden quarrels.
Resolve conflicts on your own
If in a romantic relationship people try very hard to show their best side, then, having settled in the same apartment, it becomes difficult for them to hide their shortcomings. It turns out that it is doubly pleasant to note that the partner is also imperfect: anyone can throw socks around the apartment, regardless of gender.
Quarrels and accusations begin. And not only for everyday occasions: it may suddenly turn out that he likes to spend a quiet weekend at home, and she wants to meet friends, go to nature or go to the cinema.
“Calmly resolving conflicts and dotting all the i’s is hindered by a rather simple feature of the Russian mentality: people are too accustomed to seeking advice from relatives and friends, instead of discussing the problem with each other.”
Not only can a stranger, in principle, not be able to give advice on how to solve your particular problem, constant complaints about a partner to friends or relatives form the opinion that he is a terrible person, and your relationship consists only of scandals.
Therefore, the solution is simple: agree that your task as a couple is to learn and, if possible, adopt each other's habits without involving third parties.
Don't compete with each other
Living together is always a compromise. Mature partnerships, in fact, are built on the fact that two adults can agree. “In many couples there is competition, most often hidden, for the right to be considered “the head of the house”. But, being in a constant struggle for power, it is difficult to create a comfortable, secure relationship.
What is this rivalry? In small details, words, deeds, the purpose of which is to belittle the partner, standing out against his background. Women can skillfully use reproaches for their partner’s inattention: “Well, how did you go for groceries, you forgot to buy milk! And the cleaner I asked for was powder, not liquid!” Men are no less insidious, they find sophisticated ways to hint at the mismanagement or insufficient femininity of their partner: “Mom made soup not just with meat, but with meatballs!”
It seems to many that they have already become so close, so they can safely tell each other "the whole truth." But closeness is about respect, support, understanding. And not about “hooray, finally you can no longer stand on ceremony”!
If you say to each other: “Next time, please buy some milk” or “Make some soup with meatballs for me” - there will be much less reasons for quarrels.
Learn to ask
By the way, there is such a tradition - to remain silent about your desires, like a partisan under interrogation, and wait for the partner to guess and fulfill them. Yes, for some reason, many are so used to it. Maybe the reason for this is the Soviet past, when asking for something, especially for oneself, was considered selfishness and shamelessness. But what kind of shamelessness is it to say: “It is very important for me to get enough sleep on the weekend, could you not make noise until 10 in the morning”?
Those days are long gone. “It is important to be able to talk about what you expect from a partner. And more importantly, to be able to cope with the fact that he can refuse this request. Although it is unlikely that a loved one will laugh at a request: fulfilling it is the easiest way to express your concern.
Save your habits
The creation of common family traditions and habits is, in fact, the main goal of this complex process of getting used to each other. However, to get used does not mean to merge into one single whole.
If a beloved man is fond of football, this is not a reason to buy a cheerleader's jersey and watch matches together, if you are really sincerely perplexed at the sight of players running around the field. If the woman you love loves to dance, and you feel like a tree next to her, you better wish her to find a more talented partner.
Keeping your life separate from your partner, with your own interests and circle of friends, has a very good effect on relationships. And this also indicates that everyone in a couple has clearly defined boundaries that allow them to maintain their uniqueness, integrity. After all, we are loved for who we are.
And, most importantly, remember that life together consists of very, very simple things: cook food, wash dishes, go to the store together, put the children to bed. So the secret of long-term happiness, one might say, is to make these little things as comfortable as possible for each other.
Our consultant, Analyst of MAAP, Specialist of the Center for Education and Family Development "Insight"
Congratulations, you are starting to live with a new girl!
Of course, this time it will be different: you will always be together and die on the same day. The only thing that can interfere with this good undertaking is the romantic illusions that accompany the beginning of a joint life. We have compiled a list of the most common and dangerous illusions for your couple so that they will never separate you. Let the stripper separate you better!
How, how can you quarrel with this wonderful creature with silky hair and a voice ringing like a stream? Even if she thinks so of you, believe me, it won't last long. It only takes one wash of her sneakers with her New Zealand-ordered shampoo to make her eyes bleed. And you, I bet, will not tolerate her habit of making fun of the size of your plasma in the presence of friends. In general, the bad news: quarrels are inevitable. The good news is that fighting is good for relationships. In general, the total absence of quarrels is the first sign of an impending break. After all, if you have nothing to find out, you are indifferent to each other. So quarrel. But wisely. “Think of quarrels as a kind of cleaning up communications,” our consultant recommends. - Quarrels have the potential to bring people together, not alienate them. After all, during a quarrel, you learn new information about each other. At the same time, you also need to be able to quarrel. Olga Mikulina recommends using the so-called "I-messages" in speech: using the pronoun "I" and not the pronoun "you", in this way you inform your partner about your emotions.
For example, instead of shouting to a girl with feeling, “You cheated on me again with my favorite plumber, you absurd woman with an incomplete higher education!” Say: “I feel deceived and alone when I am cheated on with a plumber.” "I-messages" will help you convey to the girl the essence of your experiences. But the suppression and silence of grievances in the name of the mythical commandment about the absence of quarrels in relationships can lead to deepening misunderstandings and a subsequent break.
One of the major challenges that await you and your girlfriend on the bumpy road of living together is the collective interior design. Bunpar's 15 Things to Talk About Before Moving in says: "As much as you want your home to reflect your tastes, you need to make sure your partner doesn't become allergic to certain pieces of furniture." Agree like this:
- one of her things against one of yours. For example, your display of old cell phones against her collection of pink netsuke;
- develop a neutral interior that does not irritate either side;
- for the most extreme cases (a reproduction of "Girls with Peaches" in a gold frame), introduce the right of veto. If you make compromises, then everyone.
In principle, according to Olga Mikulina, the idea is not bad: “Relationships are more stable if the partners have something in common. Such a common cause may well be a dog or a cat. But before you run to the Pomeranian farm, think carefully. If you have not loved dogs since childhood and have an inexplicable fear of cat whiskers, most likely nothing will change now. Perhaps, under the influence of feelings for a girl, you will even engage in self-deception, trying to convince yourself that cat whiskers are not scary and dogs are pleasant. But a little time will pass - and now the joint care of the animal will turn into a nightmare of nightly walks and the Golgotha of changing the tray. And there, to the point of mutual hatred with a paw.
Of course, you can give her the password for your mail, Facebook, Contact, Instagram and the house of cards forum. But know: the next time you receive the message “I missed you and washed your socks”, you will have to prove for a long, very long time that your mother is hiding under the nickname Svetka Sexy Baby.
Access to sacred information can corrupt even the most sane person, and mutual trust very quickly turns into mutual surveillance. And now, under the cover of night, you are greedily leafing through the friend feed with a trembling hand, tormented by the question of why this half-naked jock with a powerful jaw gave your girlfriend as many as 14 likes this week. And on the last - 17! So keep your details to yourself. And to the question "Why don't you want to give me a password?" heartfelt answer: "I trust you and hope for reciprocal trust."
At the beginning of a relationship, the level of trust of partners for each other goes off scale. You want to tell her everything: from the case when you ate a jar of jam in the army, to how you accidentally killed your neighbor with an ax. Do not rush. Some data is better left to yourself, especially those related to past relationships. We pass the keyboard to our specialist: “Some talk about their previous relationships in order to revive relationships, to provoke a partner. The reaction to such frankness can be different, but, as a rule, it is either an immediate quarrel or a hidden resentment. The main danger lurking in this kind of information is the blurring of the idyllic image of a partner. So take care of your partners from your past. Remember, only the here and now matters. If the girl insists on the number, looking away, boldly answer: “Ten!” The researchers surveyed a thousand users of the dating site www.SeekingArrangement.com before deriving this universal figure. With her, you do not run the risk of seeming a loser or too lucky.
There is such a thing as "boundaries" in relationships. Our specialist told us about it. “In each pair, boundaries are set individually, but they always exist,” reports Olga Mikulina. - And it is better to discuss them at once. For example, someone calmly pisses with a partner, while the other is embarrassed to even brush his teeth. I knew a couple in which the husband forbade his wife to hold knitting needles in his presence, as he considered needlework to be asexual.” Therefore, before farting Vivaldi’s Spring as a sign of eternal love and devotion, by leading questions (“I wonder if anyone tried to fart Vivaldi’s Spring?”), try to find out her reaction to such a degree of intimacy.
One more thing. Unbelievable, but true: some women are jarred by the sight of completely naked men, unless, of course, something like that is planned in the next few minutes. At least, this is the opinion expressed by the girls we interviewed. You have no idea how upset the fitness editor is! For many years he went naked and thought that everyone liked it.
The conflict of larks and owls is eternal, like the sun and the moon. And, alas, it is not subject to settlement. “None of the partners should under any circumstances sacrifice their regime,” Olga Mikulina authoritatively tells us. - Remember that the other side of the victim is the aggressor. Night vigil can give rise to morning irritation and anger in the lark, unusual for this bird. The same result will lead to the regular early rise of owls. So don't try to change your or your partner's regimen. Yes, perhaps due to different schedules, you will see each other less often. But the chances of getting bored with each other are greatly reduced.
At first, this seems to be true. You pay the bill at the restaurant, she gives you a tie; you buy popcorn at the cinema, she reads the credits to you for free for the whole session because you forgot your glasses at the restaurant, etc. But suddenly you decide to move in together. And then it turns out that your views on the financial sphere of life differ.
Let's say she is convinced that a man should lie on the couch around the clock and watch cricket broadcasts, while a woman should bring money into the house. You, in turn, believe that a woman is obliged to stay in spas for hours, enjoying exotic gingerbread wraps with the money earned by her man. Conflict is inevitable. Therefore, the authors of the book "15 Things to Discuss Before Moving in" argue that "financial issues must be discussed in advance so that you do not end up in an unacceptable situation for you later."
There are many options for joint financial management, for example:
- you can allocate a certain amount to the common boiler every month;
- Agree on the division of expenses: she pays the bills, and you buy whips with feathers.
If you still think that the topic of money is too slippery to discuss, then you either earn a lot (in this case, we envy you), or deliberately live dependent on women (we envy you all the more).
Before calling movers, calculate in advance the volume of property acquired by overwork and square meters of shared housing. The drum kit won't fit, and you're not Tommy Lee? It's worth putting it in storage. In recent years, a brilliant American invention has come to Russia - warehouses for individual storage. For example, mobius-sklad.ru offers for a couple of thousand rubles a month to take care of things that can poison the life of even the most wonderful couple by their mere presence.
And one more thing: ideally, in a shared apartment, everyone should have a personal corner. “For a man, such a place can be a table for knitting fishing flies, for a woman - a dressing table with cosmetics,” Olga Mikulina instructs us. - External personal space is necessary, it is a continuation of the internal. Classic male space - garage. If there is no such place, partners will seek it elsewhere, in particular in the apartments of other men and women.”
As a rule, this idea comes to the mind of the female half of the couple. As a result, for an hour that you spent in the sauna of a corporate sports club, you can receive the following text messages:
■ Mur-mur-mur :)
■ I sent you a photo of a kitten by mail :)
■ Why don't you answer?
■ Ok, thank you for your attention.
■ Do not write to me anymore!
Agree in advance with the girl that it is not always available for communication. Say that, unfortunately, from nine to one in the afternoon you have meetings, and from three to six you smoke dolphins as part of team building. And, alas and ah, the authorities strictly ensure that no one is distracted at this time by phones. But you'll be glad to talk to her from half past three until fifteen minutes to three. In theory, this should discipline her. Good luck.
And this is the best thing to do all the time.
Tighten up in sex
It's just us, men, who think that flying in like a hurricane and grabbing an iPad in five minutes is nowhere better. And women, believe it or not, still love foreplay. And often remind her of what you like. There are two of you.
Celebrate anniversaries
Try to celebrate at least such significant dates as the anniversary of the first sex in penguin costumes. Girls are very respectful of surprise anniversaries. And in general, it’s not difficult for you to drink champagne and order pizza once again.
Look good
Make sure she doesn't see your shirt burst under the force of the physical law of the mighty belly. And she, in turn, may not loom before you in tight underwear.
In the early stages of a relationship, loving the same thing is easy. You watch the same movies, dress in the same plaid shirts, order the same cocktails, and say "Wow!" with the same intonation. But inevitably there comes a fatal moment when, after the nightly sentence "Well, let's see the series?" she's downloading an episode of Cougar Town while you were counting on American Horror Story. The illusion of unity is crumbling.
According to Wolinsky, this happens because when we start a relationship, we expect the partner to "merge with us into one whole, thereby saving us from loneliness." So remember: it's okay to love different things. But in no case should you try to change each other, to fit yourself. Here is what Wolinsky writes about this: “Any attempt to change the other to match your idea of \u200b\u200bwhat he should be in order to heal you from the pain of loneliness is pretentious, narcissistic and, worst of all, separates you from your humanity and does not allow you to be open and intimate.” Intourist speaks well!
Even the most beloved creatures get bored sooner or later (if you have a child, you will understand what we are talking about). Therefore, there is nothing shameful (which, by the way, is a funny word) to periodically take a break from contemplating each other. Here is what our specialist told us about this: “Some couples, especially those who not only live, but also work together, it is better to go on vacation separately. Some fear the betrayal of a partner away from home. If a person is set up for treason, he will commit it on the street next to the house. Distances don't matter."
Before trying to live with a guy under the same roof, I dated him for about five years. Our conversations increasingly began with words of love and ended with thoughts about the wedding. But to marry a man to whom you dedicate your life, share ambitions, joys and sorrows with him, give birth to children, is a serious step, and I decided first to try to live a little next to him and understand if I am ready to be his wife.
As decided - so they did. We moved to the capital in search of our happiness, sharing not only a roof over our heads, but also all ordinary things: homework, budget, everyone's free time, hobbies and even television channels.
At first everything was just fine, but over time, some friction of interests began. To smooth out the moments of living together, I had to try. Now, having analyzed that moment in my life, I can draw some conclusions:
1. Homework
When my boyfriend and I started living together, we each had a job. There was very little time for household chores, so we had to do it together. My man didn’t always want to wash the dishes, he didn’t always vacuum the rooms, but it was still very pleasant to come home and dine with dishes prepared by his hands.
Now everything is different: he works and earns money, I sit at home and do housework, but the main thing is that I like it and everyone performs the role (work) that brings the maximum benefit to the family. Maybe things will change again after I get a permanent job.
2. Personal and mutual friends and girlfriends
After the two begin to live together, their friends are divided into personal and general. Mutual friends are people who are always welcome on shared square meters, they say hello to such friends and meet with them on weekends. Personal friends are those who have completely different interests than your chosen one (chosen one), so you can introduce them, but you can’t make friends.
There is nothing wrong with such a division of people into personal and mutual friends. Personal friends are not a reason to quarrel, but an opportunity to become more confident in the eyes of your soulmate.
3. Budget
Although this is not yet a family budget, but the “common pot” requires certain rules. Our joint budget consisted of all the money we earned. Nobody put off their N/C. We tried to manage our money wisely so that we had enough for the necessary and left for entertainment.
This approach works even now, after years of living together with my now husband. The budget turned out to be the easiest task to complete, which we immediately coped with.
4. Personal space
Every person needs this kind of space. Sometimes you simply want to be alone. Sometimes you just want to be alone and think about plans, about life, about the right choice and priorities. It is unrealistic to do this at work, it is also difficult to stay alone at home, which means that you need to give freedom to a person so as not to get bored - to give the opportunity to be alone for several hours. 
It could be going to the grocery store (for girls) or visiting the garage to tighten the screws on the car (for a guy). For this purpose, bars, discos, parties, etc. are unacceptable, because they do not dispose a person to loneliness, if you understand me ...
No wonder they tried
After six months of living together, we have matured a mutual desire to unite our relationship by marriage. We made this decision after we were able to understand each other in practice and accept each other as we are. The “thorns” that we had, we tried, if not to break off, then to blunt, so as not to injure each other.
Now our family life allows us to grow and educate further, and six months of trial and error are left behind, leaving only a slight smile of memories of the first days we lived together and the first rules that are now the law.
To receive the best articles, subscribe to Alimero's pages at .
Living together can easily turn your relationship into hell! Or vice versa - take them to a new level. After living with you for a couple of months, MCH can seriously talk about the wedding. Or vice versa - to understand that in everyday life you are incompatible.
To successfully pass the test of life together, the main thing is not to force events. You need to move in when you are really ready for it. That's when you both get the pleasure of living under the same roof. However, how do you know if your relationship is ripe for such an important step?
WomanJournal.ru invites you to check our list. If you match at least 5 signs, then most likely you and MCH will get along great together. And your couple can safely look for an apartment for living together. So check your readiness!
- Your dream man saw you without makeup / with a hangover / with a cold, etc., but his feelings did not cool down from this. If, waking up with you in the morning, he happily hugs, kisses you, calls you “his most beautiful girl”, etc. - it means that he really loves you for who you are, even without styling and makeup! This is a good sign!
- He says that he would like to see you more often and tries to spend every free minute with you. And you would like to spend as much time with your loved one as possible.
- You have often jokingly discussed the prospect of living together and have already decided who will cook and who will take out the trash. If there hasn't been such a conversation yet, arrange it. Even if you jokingly try to discuss the conditions of living together, you will immediately understand whether your views on household duties, earnings, life, etc. coincide. If not, then it is better to resolve differences and find compromises now, while you have not yet begun to live together.
- You like to spend time together and alone with each other you do not get bored. Many couples hold on only through constant joint entertainment: restaurants, cinemas, clubs, companies. And left alone with each other in the apartment, they realize that they have nothing to talk about. Make sure it's not about you!
- You know the shortcomings of your MCH, but are quite ready to ignore them. It is worth moving in only when you accept your loved one for who he is. If, moving in together, you hope to remake it, then your life together will turn into an eternal war.
- The prospect of living together inspires you! You dream with might and main how you will cook a romantic dinner by candlelight or take a bubble bath together. If you associate life together with a mountain of unwashed dishes, boring routine sex and a faded bathrobe, it’s obvious that you haven’t matured yet.
- You have already discussed and decided for yourself the financial issue. Who will earn money? Who pays for the apartment? On whose income will you go on vacation? How much will each of you contribute to the overall budget? If you have already discussed the topic of money and come to an agreement, then the rocks of everyday life are not terrible for your love boat.
- MCH has already made you an offer, but you decided to test the relationship by living together. Quite reasonable!
- You have a suitable living space. It is desirable, of course, to live together. But if this is not possible, and you live with relatives, then at least live in the apartment where there are fewer problems! Think about whether you want to live not only with MCH, but also with his mother, grandmother, dog and bitch-sister? If not, don't rush to move in!
- MCH offered to live together, and you, in joy, without hesitation, said "yes"! This is the surest sign of your readiness. It looks like you want it with all your heart and your mind is not able to control your feelings. Great! Move in! And let your feelings only grow stronger, and your romance moves towards a happy wedding ending!
Here are some reasons why you shouldn't go:
- All your girlfriends have gathered with boyfriends, and you decided that it was time for you too.
- Your relationship leaves much to be desired, and you hope to improve their life together.
- You are tired of living with your parents and you want to move away from them at any cost.
- You just like the apartment of your MCH. And much stronger than the MCH!
