How to improve relationships with a teenager (A. Ponomarenko). Valuable tips for improving relationships with your teenage daughter How to improve relationships with a 12-year-old teenager

Is it possible to improve relationships with a child when he has entered adolescence? How to go from the computer to real hobbies? What activities can we do to unite parents and children?

Raising a child is not an easy task: his birth does not mean that everything will work out automatically in his upbringing. For example, in our country, the generation of people born in the early 90s basically grew up like grass. I mean those who are now twenty to twenty-five years old and for whom it’s time to start families and have children. Unfortunately, many of them do not understand why this is necessary. Using the example of their parents’ families, they did not understand the value of family.

Why did this happen? Because their parents raised them very little - that was a time when parents sometimes did not have the physical opportunity to take care of their children: everyone worked, and even in several jobs, there were many single mothers; it was at this time, according to statistics, that the peak of divorces occurred and suicides.

In that great tragedy of the loss of the state, which at least somehow protected people, gave some kind of purpose in life and stability, many abandoned their children in front of televisions with entertainment programs, TV channels “2x2” - and ran to earn money and survive. Of course, they can be understood and justified, but without communication, these children lost contact with their parents, and as a result, the best, the most important thing was not invested in them.

In a modern family, at first glance, the situation is more prosperous, but take a closer look: relatives live some kind of separate life. What do we see in families, sometimes even large families? People in them live by their own interests: the wife - with girlfriends, acquaintances, mother, the husband - most often with a computer and TV, the children - with the same computer, the Internet, buddies, friends. Even the precious time of vacation and weekends, which could be allocated for communication, in a modern family they try to spend separately.

As a result, the already weak contact with the child is lost - after all, community is born only in communication. In order not to lose family ties, we must always remember: as soon as we have entered into family life, we can no longer perceive ourselves separately from our family, from people close to us. Their joys and problems, interests are common with us.

Most modern parents, unfortunately, believe that their main concern is making money; they forget that the primary concern for children is not about material wealth, but about community with the child!

People often come to priests with problems of adolescence: the child is rude, does not obey, sits at the computer, goes to see friends. It is clear that this is only the tip of the iceberg, that the failure occurred much earlier: even in childhood, important moments in establishing relationships with him were lost. Teenage problems, as a rule, are associated with the fact that some important moments of upbringing were missed in early childhood.

Parents face a double task: on the one hand, they are teachers, and must create the correct patterns of behavior for the child, cultivate his taste, musical and artistic, give the necessary books, teach the necessary skills, try to put into him the most necessary things so that he can enter normally into adulthood.

Their second function is to be the best friends in the world for the child, those whom he trusts, on whom he can rely, who know him, do not reject or brush aside his interests! At the same time, of course, it is important to maintain subordination - to be senior and authoritative comrades and not to indulge the child in everything.

By the way, about prohibitions. It is very important not only to clarify and prohibit something, but to offer something in return. For example, the scourge of our time is infatuation teenagers computers. One mother, noticing that her son was sitting at the computer all day, sounded the alarm. But she didn’t just put communication with the computer within strict limits. She bought the child a guitar, gave him to learn how to play it, and also asked a designer friend to work with her son once a week on the computer in three-dimensional graphics, that is, teach him to work, and not play on the machine. As a result, the son took 2nd place in the city at a music competition, and now earns money as a designer.

Often, a child goes into the virtual world due to the lack of normal, real hobbies. And we need to guide our children in the right direction. Clubs, sports clubs, fishing, tourism, just trips out of town - all this can distract children from unnecessary addictions.

Of course, the best thing is when they do all this with us. For example, my children and I often build something at the dacha, ride bicycles, go to the forest, they also really like to cook. As a child, my mother taught me to sew, my father taught me how to do something with my hands, my uncle taught me how to drive a car. Even now it’s interesting for me to communicate with my parents precisely because they set the tone for me since childhood. Our parents always unobtrusively walked ahead of us and showed us what to read, listen to, watch, and what to enjoy. Now I try to pass all this on to my children. And in general, raising children is a huge incentive for our own spiritual, moral and intellectual growth. By raising children, we ourselves are constantly learning something in order to go two steps ahead of them. After all, you can teach and educate only by personal example.

Very often, children run away from their parents because of overprotection. If we are friends with someone, we assume that we have inner freedom and that the other is a person who must be respected. A child will carry this attitude throughout his entire life, no matter what troubles, difficulties and even falls he may encounter in life.

Adolescence is difficult not so much for parents as for the child himself: he is actively growing, so sometimes he feels bad; Hormonal changes occur in his body. Sometimes he does not understand what is happening to him, he becomes vulnerable, vulnerable, he often has mood swings, etc. All our harsh words: “I hate”, “I don’t love”, “you can leave” - can hurt a child and even lead to suicide. At this age, a person does not yet value life and has no fear. The teenager does not yet understand how to grow up correctly, and does this through inappropriate actions and resistance to adults. He wants independence, but he does not yet know how to realize it.

By scolding a teenager and making comments to him, we only turn him against ourselves even more. What he needs now is not moralizing, but sympathy and understanding. Parental authority and power should be used at this age only when the soul or health of the child is in real danger.

We must understand that children are given to us for a while, and not skimp on communication. We must not miss the moment: before entering school, we see them all day long, then less and less, and then they enter into independent life. And other people already have a very strong and not always favorable influence on them. If you are not interested in the life of a child when he is ten years old, you do not know who he is friends with, then when he turns fifteen, you will have nothing to talk to him about. And when he’s twenty, he won’t communicate with you at all, except on holidays! Hurry up to communicate.

anonymously

My son is 15 years old, I am divorced, we live together with my son. We have had a very tense relationship for the last year. He talks to me very rudely, calls me names, thinks that I am “too correct”, considers all my good human qualities (kindness, honesty) to be shortcomings , because “everyone is angry now and this is the norm”, “you need to live taking care of yourself, and not waste time helping other people.” He thinks that I have achieved nothing in life, that I earn little, and in general evaluates me critically. He studies well at school, his behavior at school is normal, there are no complaints from the school about him. He really doesn’t like it when during the school year I ask questions about how things are at school, what grades I got - he says that I’m his " got it."I don't like it when I call from work and ask if everything is okay when he comes home from school. The most common phrase in relation to me is: “you got me,” although what I ask him is, in my opinion, ordinary parental concern. He spends a lot of time at home, does not strive to communicate with peers, and most of all likes to watch TV. Tell me how to improve the relationship.

Hello! The transitional age of children is a very difficult period for most parents: teenagers are aggressive, often rude, lazy to study and do not want to help around the house. And many teenagers during this period generally consider their parents to be enemy number one! “Transitional age” is an inevitable consequence of modern civilization. In the old days, life was much harder, and children took on a significant portion of the difficulties early on, which accelerated their growth. But with the development of civilization, everything became more complicated. It took a period of transition from childhood to adulthood. From the point of view of a teenager, an “adult” is someone who can do what children are not allowed to do. For example: drinking, smoking, swearing and coming home late. And if you do all this, then everyone will probably understand that you have grown up and become an adult. This problematic option is familiar to many. But those parents who, from childhood, instill in their child maturity and a sense of responsibility have much fewer problems. In some families, for example, when there is no father in the family, the children grow up early and the eldest son plays the role of the father. He has no need to prove anything to anyone. If you involve him in household duties only at fifteen, it is impossible to explain to a teenager why now he needs to help around the house. By explaining to him that he is already an adult, you will hear in response a reproach that just a month ago he was considered small and allowed to do nothing, but now for some reason he has “grown up” sharply. Why does a teenager react with hostility to any of our requests? A teenager has an age crisis, he is building a new, more adult vision of himself, and the most effective way is to abandon everything previous, “childish” (they call this the term “rebuilding”). This is why the spirit of contradiction is so natural for teenagers. Sometimes it will be much stronger, according to the principle: the stronger your action, the more powerful its reaction. That is, the teenager is more likely to refuse to fulfill our request, which is expressed in a directive tone, from a position of power. Here you need to act in the same way as with dishes. Ask, explain your excitement and concern. Your chances of being heard will only increase. Good luck and patience. It seems to me that what is much more important for him now is the authoritative opinion of an older comrade or friend..! Obviously, you are raising him yourself, or the guy simply does not have proper support from his father, and then the situation is much clearer..! Try to turn the situation around for the better, involve some of the older and more authoritative men in raising your son. He needs to be helped to go through the growing up stage with the least possible losses. But of course, don’t follow his lead, because by poking him with his desires and cajoling him, you will only make things worse, and at the same time, you will completely lose your authority in his face! Here parents will have to resort to cunning. For example, refer to fatigue, poor health and ask for help with the dishes. It’s better not to blame your teenager for laziness, but just ask, because you really get tired after work. And most likely the reaction will be positive.

A difficult age. This is how the teenage period of life is characterized, and most “fathers and sons” will agree with this. It seems that just recently he turned to mom and dad for every little thing, but now he is withdrawn, impudent, neglecting his responsibilities at home and at school. Endless rules and prohibitions do not fulfill their function, and permissiveness puts the teenager in danger. How can you improve your relationship with your teenage son? How to set effective rules? How can I help you become a responsible person?

How can you improve your relationship with your teenage son?

“For you, friends are the most important thing!” - many have heard a similar thought from their parents. And in fact, it seems that as the child grows up, he withdraws: he does not talk about business, does not consult, and defends the right to privacy.

Educational measures will not be useful if there are no friendly relationships. On the contrary, severity without understanding will only aggravate the situation.

The first thing necessary for education is full communication. It may seem that this is impossible during adolescence, and indeed it rarely happens right away. It is important to create a relaxed atmosphere: any person is unlikely to start telling something openly while sitting on a chair under cross-examination. It’s good if you can get together at the table at least once a day. It is important to set aside time for joint activities. Over time, the conversation will begin.

You can't stop trying to start communication. Even if it seems that there is no response, the young man feels important to his parents, which will certainly be reflected in the decisions he makes.

How to get a teenager to do homework

“Bill Gates hardly studied at all!” - students can tell this and a dozen other stories just to avoid having to sit down for homework. They can be understood: the workload at school is heavy, and many of their peers are not interested in studying at all, and this attitude sticks like chicken pox. And try to study well and not be known in class as an arrogant and nerdy person. Parents will need a lot of diplomatic efforts to help their teenagers have the right attitude towards school.

It’s good when a teenager understands that dad and mom don’t demand the impossible and won’t love him less because of a bad grade. This will protect you from cheating, cheating, and rejection of your studies due to excessive imposition.

It is better to start a conversation not when the conflict has already flared up. During the conversation, it is worth asking the young man what time, in his opinion, is best to do his homework. Then ask what is bothering you: noise from cleaning, screams of younger children, notifications on your phone. If a student asks for something, for example, silence, you should listen.

There are subjects about which a student can confidently say that he does not like it and will not need it in the future. Instead of shouting about the importance of studying and the difficulties of working as a janitor, it is worth explaining that, unfortunately, everyone has to do something that they don’t really like.

Even the job you love can sometimes be very hard, and school is an opportunity to learn how to do something you don’t like. School is a world in miniature. In adult life there will be similar difficulties: incomprehensible tasks, aggressive and picky people. And it’s useful to learn how to solve similar problems in advance.

You will also need to gently explain that the brain is trained through complex tasks, like muscles through physical activity. And smart people will always manage stupid people.

Responsibilities of a teenager in the family

Since childhood, everyone thinks that mother is able to do everything and not get tired at all. Often mothers themselves instill such a myth in their children and then have to explain that this is not so.

Schoolchildren are offended when adults do not believe that they are tired. But children do get tired. Therefore, instead of shouting: “You’ve been lying all day again!!!” you can say: “I see you are tired. I'm tired too and hungry. Let you wash the dishes and I'll cook dinner? I think both of them only have enough strength for one thing.”, and then be sure to praise and thank them for their help.

How to prevent smoking

Cigarette addiction is a serious danger, and often even adults are not aware of the harm. Schoolchildren start smoking to feel like adults or to belong among their friends. Moreover, many people think that smoking relieves stress.

Help will be to ask him to look for information about the dangers of smoking. The son will believe more in what he finds himself than in what others say. Then you can ask how he will behave if he is offered a cigarette. You can choose words that will put him in an advantageous position compared to his classmates, for example: “Smart people, but you do stupid things.”

The young man will not listen to a word about the dangers of smoking if his father or mother smokes.

How to communicate correctly

It’s good if you can establish trusting communication. But there may be another danger: the child will say something that will make the hair on his head stand out. I just want to interrupt, scold and put him in a corner.

If someone answers without listening, it is humiliating. If you do this with any person, you won’t have to expect that anyone will want to tell you again.

Listening to the end is respect, which is worth a lot. This is how you can teach a child to respect others, including parents. After listening, you can ask: “Why does this seem reasonable to you? What will happen if you do this? What happens if you do it differently? Would you allow this if you were me? How will this affect others? Reasoning in this way can teach you to think about consequences and take into account the feelings of others.

Adults will need to learn to distinguish between really bad things and matters of taste. This may apply to music, choice of clothing, hairstyle and number of earrings. If your child does something that seems bad, you need to ask yourself, “Could this really hurt him?”

There is no need to defend any decision solely with your authority. There is a good method: suggest looking for information in authoritative sources and then compare the arguments. This may apply to other potentially dangerous things. In this way, you can teach your child to make decisions based on facts, and not just someone’s words, even very authoritative ones.

What to do with a difficult teenager

Some young people find it especially difficult to connect with adults. Those, in turn, will need to make a lot of effort to assure children of their love - after all, having lost their temper and been rude, they begin to feel like monsters. The words of others about terrible behavior will only add confidence in this and the son will begin to live up to these words.

An important proof of love is consistency. If punishment has been promised for something, you need to act accordingly; Of course, before this it is worth understanding what happened and explaining why the parent is forced to take action. This should happen all the time: if a teenager is punished for the same mistake on one day, and gets away with it on another, the son will think that the matter is in the mood of the elders, and not in the problem itself.

You may need a course of vitamins and sedatives or even the help of a psychologist. When resorting to such means, it is important to reassure the son that the goal is to improve relationships and understand each other.

There is no need to tell him “grow up and do what you want.” This thought can be expressed differently: “I worry about you and will worry about you at any age. Moreover, as long as you are a minor, I am responsible for you. Let's cooperate."

How to improve relationships

Of course, not everything will work out smoothly. It has been noticed that the ability of parents to apologize if they have lost their temper has a good effect: they shouted at the wrong thing, for example. Sometimes it is worth assuring the son that no one is born a good parent, and they have never had such a son, so this transitional age is the first for both parties.

Having the right attitude towards ups and downs, calmness and consistency along with open communication will help you get through adolescence easier.

Tatiana, Vladivostok

Do you have a child, or even more than one? Are you afraid of adolescence because you have heard many “horror stories” about how a child’s behavior changes at this age? Are you afraid that you won't cope? Then this book is for you.

Its pages describe the main problems that almost all parents of teenagers face. And also ways to effectively solve them are proposed. These are effective, practical tips that have proven their effectiveness and are not difficult to put into practice.

By starting to apply the tips comprehensively, you have a great chance to raise a successful, healthy child.

​​​​​​​It should be remembered that adolescence is one of the most important periods in a person’s life, when the ability to consciously manage one’s own behavior is formed. It is during this period that the structure of one’s own hierarchy and one’s own values ​​are formed. The age criterion is those neoplasms that characterize the essence of each age. A new formation is a new type of personality structure, its activity, those mental and social changes that first arise at a given age stage and which in the most important and fundamental way determine the child’s consciousness, his attitude to the environment, his internal and external life, the entire course of his development in this period. The leading activity of adolescence is intimate and personal communication with peers. Formation of moral values, ideas about oneself, the meaning of life, self-awareness. New models are being reproduced in relationships between peers. Those relationships that exist between adults.

Thanks to this, new tasks and motives arise for further own activities.

During adolescence, changes in a child's personality can occur abruptly, critically, and may occur gradually. And how the child goes through this difficult period, with what baggage of values ​​and skills he comes out of it, depends entirely on the parents, that is, on you. Many authors in their works noted that the formation and development of self-confidence is important for a person at all age stages, and especially in adolescence.

This is due to the fact that this period represents one of the most difficult and critical stages of human development. Teenagers, as a rule, have difficulty solving their psychological problems, they are conflict-ridden in social interaction, they do not tend to get out of stressful situations productively, they are characterized by painful experiences, increased sensitivity and irritability, transfer of dissatisfaction with themselves to the world around them, a feeling of loneliness, fear of ridicule , increased anxiety, uncertainty, etc.

It depends on you, dear parents, how your child will grow up: a successful, accomplished person or a neurotic average person. It depends on you whether your offspring will be an assistant and support when you retire, or whether you will carry him on your shoulders all your life.

Read, put into practice what you have learned and live in peace with your children!

Many parents are afraid of adolescence like hell. It seems that no age has received so many horror stories and myths as this one. Meanwhile, by following simple rules of communication with your own child, this period can become the key to a strong future relationship, when your son or daughter will become a reliable support for you. Only in order to comply with these rules, the parents themselves will have to try - somewhere to restrain their emotions, somewhere to refuse to watch a football match and instead talk and discuss the problems that have arisen with their offspring. This will require effort, and many parents are lazy, prefer not to interfere and step away.

They came to the reception together - Olya and her mother. More precisely, it was my mother who brought Olya, declaring from the doorway that I “must do something so that my daughter will obey her.” The reason for the appeal is the inability to establish contact with each other. “She’s being rude to me,” my mother was indignant.

However, Olya, a 15-year-old teenager, did not give the impression of an aggressive person hostile to the world. On the contrary, one got the impression that she was an indecisive and anxious teenager. Maybe that’s why I tried to treat what was happening somewhat detached.

Of course, first we talked to my mother. It was necessary to convince an adult that I was not a magician and that I couldn’t wave a wand and say: “Cracks, pex, fex - Olya, listen to your mother.” And you need to start with yourself - change your attitude towards your daughter.

We spent a long time figuring out what the so-called rudeness consists of. Finally, we found out.

“You understand, she doesn’t do anything I ask,” my mother’s indignation knew no bounds.

- How do you ask? - I ask. - Show.

- Well, how... - Mom tries to concentrate in order to show as authentically as possible... Her lips begin to involuntarily compress into a “chicken tail”, a deep crease lies between her eyebrows. The look becomes heavy. “Olechka,” she says with a breath, and her tone gives even me goosebumps, “Go do your homework,” then she waits a couple of seconds and adds: “Quickly”!

- Well, why... I don’t know. To do it quickly. If I don’t tell you, then it won’t work,” Mom is already starting to get annoyed with such a stupid psychologist.

- And what, does he do it quickly? - I naively wonder.

- Of course not. She doesn’t do anything,” Mom sighs heavily, as if inviting me to sympathize with her.

– Does she somehow explain to you the reason? - I ask.

- No, she just stops responding to me. I can’t get anything out of her, she immediately goes into the room and starts crying.

– How do you react to her crying?

“I first appeal to reason,” the mother, it seemed to me, for the first time tried to think about what she was doing in response to her daughter’s tears, “But the grandmother... she begins to feel sorry for her, to calm her down.” She says to me: “Well, what do you want from her, it’s so difficult to study now. Not everyone can be smart.” And I give up, I also begin to calm her down, and so on all the time. Vicious circle.

- So why do you call her behavior rudeness? It seems to me that boorish behavior is somewhat different,” I note.

“Well, I’m nervous,” Mom’s eyes simply glow with indignation. – Making your mother nervous! I do everything for her: cook, clean, wash. I go to meetings. I do everything for her! – it seemed to me that the walls trembled from her pathos.

I really wanted to ask her: “Do you even love your daughter?”

It was enough just to look at the child's facial expression to understand what the essence of the problem was: a monstrous distortion of the child-parent relationship. Mom perceives herself as a machine that provides certain functions: feeding, washing, checking homework. What about talking? Find out how the child feels and how he lives. Maybe someone unfairly offended him at school? Help resolve the situation?

If this is not done, the child will live with a feeling of insecurity. And, growing up, he will begin to defend himself - as best he can. And here it will not seem enough to anyone, because his methods of defense are the most primitive: aggression or avoidance. That is, he either attacked and beat him, or left altogether.

- Physically. From home - to the street, to distant relatives, wherever your eyes look.

- Psychologically. When a person seems to break the internal connection with the outside world, he stops reacting.

As a result of prolonged stress exposure, the integrity of the individual is in danger of destruction. When certain external events begin to destroy the picture of the world, very often a model of behavior is chosen, which in the scientific literature is called “learned helplessness.”

The term “learned helplessness” was introduced by the American psychologist Martin Seligman and his colleagues back in the 70s of the 20th century. They conducted a series of experiments on dogs. The dogs were divided into three groups: first, second and control. All of them were exposed to electric current. The first group of animals was put in a cage with a special switch, by pressing it with its nose, the dog could stop the current. The dogs quickly learned to do this. The dogs from the second group did not have a switch or the ability to turn off the stun gun. They soon gave up, lay down on the floor and whined in pain. There was no effect on the control group.

In the second part of the experiment, the animals were placed in cages where they could avoid the pain of the shocker by jumping over a fence. The dogs from the first and control groups did just that. The dogs from the second group lay down again and whined. They didn't even try to jump over the barrier. Psychologists call this “learned helplessness syndrome.”

That is, a state when a person is sure in advance that nothing will work out for him, that he is a loser and that he should not even try.

The decisive factor in the development of the state of helplessness was that the animal's very first experience in this experiment was associated with the inevitability of electric shocks. Seligman saw in this helplessness syndrome an analogy with the condition for the emergence of chronic failure and reactive depression in people.

However, if we consider learned helplessness from the point of view of neurophysiology, then such a reaction to external stimuli is justified. More I.P. Pavlov drew attention to the so-called “dynamic stereotype”. If we take into account the fact that a stable dynamic stereotype - the habit of responding - originates in childhood, then the roots of learned helplessness are also there. Olya has formed a corresponding model of behavior: when I start crying, they feel sorry for me, I get my portion of parental warmth. That is, the more unhappy (read, more helpless) I am, the more warmth.

Then we talked with Olya about her childhood, about how adults reacted to her successes and failures. Her picture of childhood was typical: adults mercilessly criticized her for her mistakes, but considered her successes natural.

“Once they even put me in a corner for breaking a plate while washing the dishes,” Olya sighed. “Although it happened by accident, and the plate was old, wow, so many years have passed, and she is still making excuses for that unfortunate plate.” Although I am, in principle, an outsider.

- Olya, how old were you when you broke it?

– About four years, probably.

Dear parents, your child is washing dishes at the age of four. Tries to help his mother around the house. Why do you demand from him those skills and abilities that are inherent in an adult? What does a four-year-old child get when they try to help him and say he is stupid?

Scientists have conducted a number of studies examining the sources of children's style of explaining their own successes and failures. A study conducted by the aforementioned Seligman and colleagues found that the child's explanatory style showed a significant positive relationship with the mother's explanatory style. Explanatory style is shaped by the nature of feedback from parents. The criticism that adults address to a child when he fails leaves an imprint on what he thinks about himself. The pessimistic style of explanation is formed on the basis of non-constructive ideas about oneself: “I am a complete insignificance”, “I am a loser”, etc. The optimistic style is formed on the basis of unconditional positive reinforcement and is associated with a constructive idea of ​​\u200b\u200boneself: “I can do better”, “I’m not a piece of gold for everyone to like,” etc.

Take the case of this unfortunate plate. How could your mother react to the unfortunate broken plate? Calmly tell your daughter: “It’s okay, you’re still great – look how hard you’re trying! And the fact that it crashed is no big deal, you didn’t know it would happen like this. Next time you will be more careful." And the connection will not be formed that taking initiative in activities (in the child’s mind - exploring the world) is bad.

A small child cannot yet think in adult categories - “this is an expensive thing; this is part of the service; to buy this, do you know how much work you have to do?” For a small child, any thing in the space around him is just an object of knowledge of the world. That’s why children take their cars apart and press all the buttons on the tablet without fear of damaging it. They start washing the dishes - it’s interesting how they get clean plates. Plus mom will praise - that’s also nice.

If a child is not allowed to actively explore the world (of course, making sure that learning is safe is a sacred parental responsibility), then in adolescence he will no longer be interested in this at all. And it’s scary - because in the subconscious there is this fact that too much cognitive activity caused a negative reaction from others. Accordingly, dear parents, what kind of interest in studying do you dream of? Studying is also a kind of knowledge of the surrounding reality. And you already explained to your child once that he doesn’t need to explore the world.

My three-year-old goddaughter decided to check whether it was possible to cover the entire room with a drawing roll from the Ikea store. For several hours she puffed and carefully rolled out the roll on the floor, trying to make it even. Then she decided that the rolled out roll did not look very nice, and from part of the roll she made “snow” - a mountain of torn pieces of paper that decorated the corner of the room.

Her mother took a picture of it and posted it on social networks. The Internet space reacted with stormy pity for the parents. Many people calculated how long the cleaning would take. Stupid, they felt sorry for their parents, considering time and energy in this situation. Who will remember them many years from now, when parental approval of paper paths across the room and piles of “snow” will turn the baby into a confident and successful person!

After all, not a single person thought that the time spent on cleaning is nothing compared to the lesson that the little girl received. And the lesson is simple - think, explore the world, it’s right, it’s interesting.

M. Seligman's research was continued by Julius Kuhl, a German scientist. He conducted very interesting experiments on his students. Students were asked to solve various logic problems. All the proposed problems had no solution, but the students who took part in the experiment did not know about it. At the beginning of the experiment, the teacher announced that the problems were simple, easy to solve, and everyone should solve them effortlessly.

After several unsuccessful attempts to solve these “simple” problems and listening to negative comments from the experimenter about the abilities of the subjects, most people fell into a state of anxiety and despair, since, of course, a blow was dealt to their self-esteem.

After that, the subjects were offered a simple task, the solution of which was indeed easy, but which they also could not cope with, since “learned helplessness” had formed. Yes, yes, that’s how quickly it forms! Yu. Kul suggested that the decrease in efficiency in solving a simple problem in the latter case is associated with a person’s inability to quickly abstract from the thought of failure.

The thought: “I am a complete insignificance, I am incompetent,” remaining in an active state, absorbs the resources necessary to realize the intention.

The scientist proved that learned helplessness is a violation of the ability to overcome difficulties that have arisen and a refusal to take any action to overcome a crisis situation. Refusal to take active action is motivated by negative previous experience of overcoming failures in similar situations.

Like this. Julius Kuhl found out that if there are three components such as:

1) the presence of a clear inner confidence in a person in the absence of his own strength to cope with the task himself;

2) a feeling of being unable to control the situation;

3) the belief that failure depends on personal qualities is present at the same time, then a state of “learned helplessness” arises. If a person is sure that a situation that does not suit him does not depend either on his behavior or on the efforts he makes to change this situation; that he alone is to blame for all his failures (his stupidity, mediocrity, unprofessionalism, etc.), and success, if it suddenly happens, is due to a successful coincidence of circumstances or outside help, and certainly not to his abilities, then he will not do anything to correct the situation.

And this ugly thought is most often instilled in a child in childhood by loving parents.

The presence of learned helplessness in a person can be easily determined on the basis of words - markers used in speech. These words include:

• “I can’t” (ask for help, build normal relationships, change my behavior, etc.);
• “I don’t want” (to learn a difficult subject, change my lifestyle, resolve an existing conflict, etc.);
• “Always” (“I explode” over trifles, I’m late for meetings or work, I always lose everything, etc., that is, “I have always been like this, am and will be”);
• “Never” (I can’t prepare for a meeting on time, I don’t ask for help, I’ll never be able to cope with this problem, etc.);
• “Everything is useless” (there is no point in trying, no one has ever succeeded in this situation, and people like you have tried, but...);
• “Everyone in our family is like that” (family messages about abilities in certain sciences, about an unsuccessful fate or marriage).

Helplessness is often masked behind various conditions that are identified as something else, for example, neurasthenia, fatigue, apathy. Oddly enough, the behavior of people in a state of learned helplessness can be diametrically opposite.

The main behavior options are:

1. Pseudoactivity (meaningless, not purposeful, fussy activity that does not lead to results and is followed by inhibition);

2. Complete cessation of activity;

3. Stupor (state of inhibition, misunderstanding);

4. Using stereotypical actions to find one that is adequate to the situation, with constant monitoring of the results;

5. Destructive behavior (aggression directed at oneself and/or others);

6. Shift to a pseudo-goal (engaging in another activity that gives a feeling of achieving a result - a replacement action).

Factors that prevent the formation of learned helplessness include:

– Experience of actively overcoming difficulties and own search behavior. This increases a person's resistance to failure.

– Psychological attitudes regarding explaining one’s success and failures. A person who believes that his successes are random and due to a combination of circumstances (lucky chance, outside help, etc.), and failures are natural and due to his personal shortcomings, capitulates to difficulties and learns helplessness faster than a person with the opposite attitudes.

– High self-esteem. If a person maintains self-respect under all circumstances, he is more resistant to the formation of the state “I can’t do anything, everyone save me.”

– Optimism reflects a person’s belief in a positive outlook, which is associated with positive thinking and therefore is one of the factors counteracting the formation of learned helplessness.

Thus, learned helplessness is a kind of psychological defense of one’s Ego. We subconsciously cannot allow our deepest self, our very essence, to be ostracized by those around us. No one (including ourselves) should doubt that our essence, core, core is omnipotent and beautiful. Therefore, to preserve the power of his Ego, a person goes to the end. Uses the most sophisticated, most destructive types of psychological defenses, including extreme inhibition - depression.

I dwell in such detail on helplessness itself, because recently it has become the main reason for the failure of modern teenagers both in school and in relationships.

Since childhood, Olya was sure that she was mediocre, she would not succeed. And that her destiny is to cook borscht in the kitchen, working in the clinic at the reception desk. A somewhat strange choice for a modern teenager, but my mother worked at the clinic. It's at the reception desk. And she really wanted her daughter to be “under supervision.”

– Don’t you think, in this case, that it’s illogical to force a girl with such a future profession to study? Why does she need good grades, because in her work she will most likely need other qualities - reaction speed, attentiveness.

- And that’s how it should be. We need to study well. And she has half of the “C” grades.

– And who does Olya herself want to be?

- By whom? – It seemed to me that my mother thought about this question for the first time. “But he will grow up, go to work and decide who to be.” In the meantime, I decide this, since I feed her.

As they say, “no comment”. “If only someone would marry you,” the “kind” mother seemed to use every opportunity to show her daughter her worthlessness.

The most amazing thing is that for a long time the mother could not understand what was so terrible she was saying to her daughter.

– Do you understand that you are doing everything to ensure that your daughter grows up as an unhappy person? – I didn’t even know what arguments were needed to explain such an obvious thing.

“Yes, if I praise her, she will grow up to be selfish,” my mother did not give up.

I must say that in order to unravel this tangle of relationships, it took quite a long time to work. Thank God, Olya’s mother realized that fear of failure is not rudeness, and that the role of victim imposed on a teenager will not lead to anything good.

To overcome such helplessness, this “sword of Doccles” of modern teenagers, it is necessary to train the ability to search behavior, search activity - activity aimed at changing the situation. It is important to emphasize that it is search activity as a process, even regardless of the pragmatic result, that increases the body’s resistance to both disease and learned helplessness, which is a refusal to search. Search activity is more successfully stimulated by problems that do not have a clear solution.

The point of view of psychophysiologist V. Rotenberg on overcoming learned helplessness is very interesting. Rothenberg looks at overcoming learned helplessness from a cross-cultural and religious perspective.

Indeed, within the framework of the Orthodox religion, sacrifice, helplessness, and failure were always perceived with sympathy, all failures were explained simply: “That’s how God wants it.”

In Russia, suffering has always been elevated to a virtue, the great martyrs were deified, and the weak were supported. Therefore, strange as it may sound, in our country it is advantageous to be weak and helpless, but strong and successful is shameful. But as soon as external conditions changed globally, people, accustomed to being weak and unhappy, were unable to oppose anything to the circumstances.

Education within the framework of Judaism, as Rotenberg notes, is characterized by the encouragement of mental activity from early childhood. The Talmud, which is studied in a religious school, is not some kind of body of undeniable truths. This is a conflict of different, often contradictory interpretations of the same events.

In contrast to other religions, Jewish children over the centuries developed an anti-dogmatic approach to the most complex issues of existence.

The child was asked to find his own position in the process of comparison and discussion. It turned out that any student could become a co-author of the commentary. He did not receive a ready-made truth (as today, unfortunately, often happens not only at school, but also at universities) - he himself looked for solutions.

The requirement for active participation in the construction of one's own personality raises the child in his own eyes and encourages him to search activity. And when he is convinced that contradictory interpretations do not deny, but complement each other, it is then that the child realizes that the same problem can have many solutions.

Nowadays the so-called “Jewish mother phenomenon” is even actively discussed on the Internet. This phenomenon is precisely about supporting a small child in all his attempts to understand the world, giving a feeling of security and instilling the thought: “You can do anything. If it didn’t work out this way, it will work out differently. Try, take action. Look for solutions."

In principle, simple truths, but for some reason everything simple seems ineffective to us. Simple physical exercise is ineffective - to be in shape, you definitely need Pilates. For a child to grow up successful, “Early Development Schools”, super-elite gymnasiums, and a tutor are required.

However, in adolescence, communication comes to the fore, and the future success of your child depends on how he will be in his group - confident, active, able to extinguish conflicts or an outcast.

Therefore, if you are the parents of a teenager, then you need to adjust your methods of communication with your own offspring. After all, adolescence is practically your last chance to correct the mistakes you made in parenting when your child was a chubby baby with dimples.

1. The main feature of adolescence is sudden hormonal and functional changes in the body, which cannot but affect its psyche. Accordingly, the style of communication with a teenager should be different from the style of communication with a primary school student. Rebuild.

2. At this age, teenagers are usually emotionally unstable and vulnerable. So watch HOW you talk as much as WHAT you say.

3. Monologues should be left in the past. What they managed to inspire, they managed to do. Now it’s just a conversation as equals. Get used to dialogue.

4. Be more interested in the teenager’s opinion about your life. Ask more often about future major purchases, about planning expenses, about upcoming repairs. Be sure to listen to his recommendations. And, if your son or daughter thinks that the wallpaper in the living room should be green, buy green. If you do it your way, you will lose his trust. Think about what is more important: the trust of your son (daughter) or the color of the wallpaper. And after 5 years, glue new ones, to your taste.

5. During adolescence, communication becomes the leading activity. What comes to the fore is the impression the teenager makes on his peers. Never criticize him in front of friends, don't tell stories about how he was little and did stupid things. This may be painful and will rob you of his trust.

– parents do not lecture (see point 3);

– parents understand their culture (fashion, clothing, etc.).

The fact is that in adolescence, the opinion of peers is much more important for a child than the opinion of adults. It is the opinion of peers that influences adolescent self-esteem. And for this reason, teenagers cannot ignore youth trends both in hobbies and in clothing. Spend a couple of hours and find out who is popular with young people now. When you offer to listen to something less radical, offer him an alternative in his frame of reference, and not in yours. And there is a high probability that he will listen to you (subject to point 3).

8. Argue! Your son called Parfenov “boring”, but you don’t agree? Defend your point of view, but delicately. The policy of accommodation resembles indifference. The child should feel that his opinion is interesting to you not only on an everyday level, but also on a global level.

9. At the age of 14–20 you want to change the world. If this happens to you, rejoice! Your child has a good heart. Just avoid ridicule! One wrong intonation - and the entrance to his inner world will be closed to you. Support his desire to join youth organizations. The main thing is to check (in the age of the Internet this is not difficult) that the organization is not extremist or otherwise negative in nature.

10. Praise often. Surely there is a reason. “What would I do without you”, “Thank you for helping”, “Well done” - such simple phrases, but how important they are for a teenager!

Key mistakes

Mistake #1

They continue to communicate with the teenager as if they were a junior schoolchild. The difference in the perception of the world between them is enormous. For a primary school student, the most important thing is studying. That is, one’s own worth is assessed by school success. Therefore, excellent students in junior classes enjoy unquestioned authority.

For teenagers, communication with peers comes first. And his status, self-esteem, self-awareness now depends on whether he is successful with his friends, what role he plays among them, a leader or an eternal loser. Appearance comes to the fore. Try telling a five-year-old girl: “You’re fat.” And say the same to a fifteen-year-old. And you will feel the difference.

Bulimia, anorexia, dysmorphophobia (rejection of one's own appearance) are rooted in adolescence - in a careless word, in neglect of needs.

Mistake #2

Parents do not understand the importance of the first romantic interest. As if forgetting their first love, they begin to interfere with relationships, say nasty things about the object of their adoration, or even completely invade their personal life: checking their email, mobile phone, meeting them after classes. As a rule, the argument is the same: this is a frivolous hobby and can harm your studies. Although in this situation the opposite may be true. If a lover or beloved is a serious, positive person who strives to succeed in the future, then together it will be easier for them to prepare for exams and pass tests. And, by the way, under the influence of the object of love, your offspring, who dreams of a modest non-state university, may believe in himself and pass the Unified State Exam even better than expected. And all in order to enter Moscow State University together.

Well, if, after all, in his youth, the child really “blew his head,” then try to help him organize his living space so that there is enough time for both romance and preparing for exams. Seeing on your part a desire to help, and not resistance to his feelings, your offspring may well listen to your advice and combine relationships and studies.

Mistake #3

Parents focus on studying, forgetting about the need for communication. Fear for the future of their own child forces parents to work their teenager to the fullest. Not only do you study until the evening, you also have homework, courses, tutors.

But in adolescence, the natural need to communicate with peers comes to the fore. Dear parents, those who don’t know: nowadays success is 20% professionalism and 80% communication. What is communication? This is precisely the ability to communicate. So when should you learn this, if not in adolescence? While it’s not scary to get into trouble, learn from your own example that fists are not always an effective argument. Let the child learn new ways of reacting and apply new ways to get out of conflict situations. And if at home his grandmother immediately reacted to his insult with hot cheesecakes, then his peers may send him away. And be offended alone on a bench in the park.

When else to learn to communicate if not at this age? And you, on the contrary, tell me, correct, advise how to behave.

After all, if a person does not know how to communicate, then he will not see a good career - and his rationalization proposal must be competently justified. And you need to be able to competently justify your boss’s refusal. And it is advisable to have good relations with colleagues - so that they do not set you up, but, on the contrary, help and suggest.

And what can we say about family life! The ability to communicate constructively is the basis of a happy family life. Then the conflicts will be constructive, and therefore solvable.

Therefore, humble yourself and, when creating a schedule of classes, be sure to set aside time to communicate with peers - going to the cinema, visiting guests, going to discos.

Psychologists have long noticed that environment is the most important factor in the formation of personality. Many authors of books on personal effectiveness and motivation even offer this exercise: take the total average income of friends and those with whom a person communicates most often, and compare it with your own average income. Most often these two numbers coincide. So, if you compare not income among teenagers, but average school scores, the result will be approximately the same.

Communication is our primary need. As a result of communication, the individual must develop special individual qualities - acceptance of the goals of the team, coordination of actions with the group. If this does not happen, then in adulthood great difficulties in communication may arise - such a person simply will not be able to find a common language with colleagues.

Indeed, no matter how gifted a person is as a pianist, if he lives in a marginal environment, he will never know about his talent. Accordingly, the most ordinary child who is brought up among musicians has every chance to take a worthy place in the artistic world. Therefore, it is so important for parents to monitor their children’s social circle, which can be either a step up the steps of personality development or down.

A case from psychological practice:

Igor, 13 years old, was brought to a consultation by his father. Athletic, fit, confident man. Igor was very similar to him - also athletic, tall, only he had a kind of haunted look. This contrast immediately caught the eye: an interesting teenager, and a look like that of a beaten dog.

It turned out that dad saw Igor exclusively as an athlete. Powerful and authoritative, he demanded exceptional results from his son. Daily push-ups, pull-ups, squats. Swimming classes. Participation in competitions where Igor has not yet shown high results. Dad was terribly annoyed and nervous. “Stupid”, “weakling” - the simplest of those epithets that the “kind” dad awarded his son every day.

Igor tried his best, but apparently even in amateur sports you need talent - he did not rise beyond fourth or fifth place.

The son really wanted to please his dad, tried his best, and was the last to leave training. But he didn’t live up to my dad’s hopes.

In the class, it was the other way around - Igor was considered handsome, strong, and the girls liked him. He was an average student, but for teenagers this is no longer of fundamental importance. He was not like everyone else, and clearly stood out in a positive way compared to his frail classmates.

One day, the unspoken leader of the class asked him to help “deal” with the students of a neighboring school. What they didn’t share is not so important. The fact remains that as soon as the guys from the other company saw Igor, so tall and broad-shouldered, they immediately backpedaled and settled the matter peacefully.

This made an impression on the class leader, and he began to invite Igor “to meetings” more and more often. And then Igor was completely accepted into their team.

Now he was surrounded by guys who studied very poorly, were not interested in anything except computer games, and his immediate plans extended only to the next weekend. No long-term projects, no dreams, no life goals.

But they really valued Igor and treated him with respect. And other classmates, who had previously treated the guy with indifference, suddenly saw something in him: they began inviting him to birthday parties and outings.

Igor started skipping training and being rude to his dad. At first, dad blamed everything on adolescence and hormonal changes. But one day he “caught” Igor smoking behind the garages and was so shocked that he didn’t even scold him - he just didn’t know how to react. After the smoking episode, they both came to me for a consultation.

“You see,” dad tried to speak confidently, “I do everything for him.” And sports, and summer camp abroad, and special nutrition - just swim. And not only does he not show results, but he also got involved with these... - Dad couldn’t find the words. “They incite him not to go to training, they convinced him that he’s doing great. How good is he if he has never risen above fourth place?

“You know, I think that his classmates put a slightly different meaning into the word “well done,” I note. – And they don’t approach Igor with a scale: he won a medal - well done; didn't win - loser.

- But of course, the same amount was invested. There are as many exercise machines at home as in the gym, no housekeeping duties, just exercise,” Dad lists.

“Listen, he’s thirteen, and he’s never seen anything but sports.” If Igor has not achieved great results before this time, then it is unlikely that he will become an Olympic champion. Do you know how many kids play sports after school? Millions. How many of those who go to sports school are part of the Olympic reserve? And look how many champions we have. Sports also require talent. If your child does not have it, this is neither bad nor good. This is how nature ordered it. Maybe he has a talent for something else.

- So, just give it all up like this? – Dad is already jumping up and down in his chair.

“No, of course,” I say. – Why is everything either black or white? Either an Olympic champion, or no training at all. Try to find a middle ground. With your endless nagging, you only lower your son’s self-esteem - and nothing more. The child must be successful. If he loses all the time, then the idea that he is a loser becomes very firmly rooted in his subconscious, which poisons his life.

– That is, to praise him for fourth places? – Dad clearly doesn’t understand how this is possible.

– Listen, sometimes even participants in the Olympic Games are praised for places that are far from the prize money. What can we say about simple regional competitions? And then, I think that fourth place is not the last.

“No, but you have to try,” Dad still resists, but not too actively.

– And Igor is trying. Or did he take fourth place in his very first competition?

“No, it took him a long time to get there...” Dad paused, “he spent several years climbing.” The fourth one is also... not the fifteenth for you.

- You see, it means he tried. Understand that a child (and even an adult) must be compared not with other people and not with some abstract result. And with him the past. Today I did 10 push-ups – well done. Tomorrow I did fifteen push-ups - you’re smart! Your Igor really needs your praise and approval. And since you criticize him all the time, he began to look for this approval elsewhere. And, as you can see, I found it very quickly. Naturally, he does not want to lose the trust of the guys, so he listens to their advice. And since the company is... to put it mildly, not Oxford students, their advice is appropriate.

Thank God, Igor’s dad drew the right conclusions from our conversation. He talked to his son and said that he was still doing great, and that taking fourth place in competitions is not given to everyone. That he loves and understands. And if Igor wants, he can swim less strenuously.

Igor, having received praise and recognition of his success from his father, not only did not leave the sport, but also began to practice with greater pleasure. At our last meeting, he told me that he now communicates with the guys “from that company” much less often, since there is no time. But they sometimes began to go to his competitions and cheer terribly loudly.

Yes, he has not yet risen above fourth place, but he is no longer so sensitive about this. However, just like his dad.

And I also noticed that Igor’s look had changed. He became open and confident.

The fact that in adolescence children divide everything into “black” and “white” prevents them from discerning some of the nuances in the behavior and preferences of their friends. By the way, have you noticed that some adults are just as categorical? “He who is not with us is against us” is a slogan that probably every person on the planet knows.

We adults are also influenced by other people. And happiness if it is a positive influence. How many adults could not resist sectarians, extremists and God knows who else. What can we say about teenagers with their flexible psyche?

Therefore, you, dear parents, must know exactly who surrounds your child and with whom he communicates. In the USSR, “bad company” meant, in the worst case, criminals. Nowadays, everything has become much worse - terrorists, extremists, etc.

And to prevent such a misfortune from happening to your child, try to follow some simple rules.

1. To begin with, it makes sense to make sure that the company really has a negative impact on your child, that you are not, as the heroine of the film “Pokrovsky Gates” said: “... in the blinders of your prejudice.” To do this, often ask the teenager about his pastime: what they did, what they talked about, what are their plans for the future. The conversation should not resemble an interrogation by the Gestapo, it should be a dialogue. Often the picture becomes clearer after the very first words - it becomes clear to you whether you were worried in vain or not.

2. If a person trusts you, he listens to your opinion. To build the trust of your own child, you must regularly perform at least most of the previous ten points.

3. You should remember that you will not achieve anything with direct prohibitions. It is much more effective to show an alternative to bad communication. True, this will require psychological investment. Go with your child to different events, hikes, and travel together more often. Sign up together (and attend!) in some “Winter Fishing Club” - provided that your offspring is interested in it. Introduce him to new, extraordinary people. Communication with more interesting interlocutors will gradually crowd out people with limited, primitive interests.

4. Your child should not have too much free time. Sports, music, daily household chores - load it up to the fullest! When choosing extracurricular activities, be sure to take into account his interests, only in this case there will be a return. And praise him often for helping around the house. You say that you can’t cope without him. It motivates.

5. Give him more books from the “Lives of Remarkable People” series. In adolescence, there is a very strong desire for high achievements in life, for exploits. Place these books even in the toilet (what to do? In this case, the end justifies the means). And then, as if by chance, ask: “Do you think Alexander the Great could have conquered the world if he had been afraid of difficulties”? Or: “Darling, can you imagine a drunken Napoleon”? Such questions, asked after reading an interesting, motivating book, make you think.

6. Sometimes even loving parents do not immediately find out about a child falling into bad company. Watch for changes in behavior: depression, sudden changes in mood, reactions that were not observed before are a reason to take immediate action. First, just talk kindly - without irritation or reproaches. Tell him that you love him very much, but you are worried. If you listen carefully (!) and hear what your child is telling you, you will clarify a lot for yourself. And then make a decision: it’s just your fears or the child needs to be urgently shown to a psychologist for an individual consultation.

7. Train your child to refuse. This must be at the level of his reflexes. Often the first step into bad company begins with the inability to fight back the phrase: “is it weak”? Teach him routine, but comprehensive phrases, against which there is nothing to object. For example, when asked to try vodka, you can answer: “I already tried it, it doesn’t taste good. I did not like". My relative, when asked to pierce her eyebrow, replied: “I won’t feel happy with a hole in my eyebrow.” They did not approach her with similar proposals again. What's your objection? Happiness is a subjective concept.

8. As corny as it sounds, you should know his friends. Then you will be able to better control the situation and prevent negative influences in time. Invite your offspring's friends to your home for joint hikes. Communicate with them, but without intrusiveness. Praise, but don’t compare (God forbid you say: “Look, how well Sveta can cook, not like you.” Just say: “Sveta, how great you can bake pies”). And when your child’s friends tell him: “Your parents are great,” you will receive additional arguments why your opinion should be listened to.

9. A teenager needs recognition of his talents, skills, and abilities. If he doesn't find them in the family, he will find them on the side. And there is a high probability that he will find them in that same “bad company.” From here there is a very simple conclusion - recognize the merits of your children more often. The arguments that he “will become arrogant” and “will grow up to be an egoist” do not stand up to criticism. He will only become arrogant if you praise him excessively and without reason. Or there will be a reason to condemn the action rather than to approve it. But if your child finished the semester with one B, having worked hard, why not praise him for it?

10. Unfortunately, it happens that all your efforts to counteract bad influence are useless. In this case, it makes sense to change your place of residence - away from the previous one. Often distance is quite a significant obstacle to communication, and it gradually fades away. Remember: there may be several apartments, they can change, but you have one child for life.

Key mistakes

Mistake #1

The pressure of stereotypes. Stereotypes play a very important role in our lives. It just seems like we are free and creative. If you have surgery, which doctor will you go to? To a handsome guy in a starched robe with a gray beard, or to a young doctor with earrings and tattoos? Of course, the series “Interns” somewhat changed the idea of ​​doctors, but still, most of us will choose a gray-haired bearded doctor. And why? Because His Majesty the stereotype is stronger than any TV series. This, if you like, is a kind of sign: one’s own - someone else’s.

In ancient times, it was precisely this clear division that helped ancient man survive. If you run into a stranger, it’s not a fact that you will remain alive. As they say, times have changed, but the stereotype remains.

In his work “Public Opinion” (1922), the American scientist W. Lippman argued that these are ordered, schematic “pictures of the world” in a person’s head, which save his efforts in perceiving complex social objects and protect his values, positions and rights. Social psychologist G. Tezfel summarized the main findings of research in the field of social stereotypes:

• people readily display a willingness to characterize large groups of people in undifferentiated, crude, and biased terms;
• such categorization is characterized by strong stability over a very long time;
• social stereotypes may change to some extent depending on social, political or economic changes, but this process occurs extremely slowly;
• social stereotypes become more pronounced and hostile when social tensions arise between groups;
• they are acquired very early and are used by children long before clear ideas emerge about the groups to which they belong;
• Social stereotypes are not much of a problem when there is no overt hostility in group relations, but they are extremely difficult to modify and manage under conditions of significant tension and conflict.

And now, if suddenly your child’s environment does not correspond to your idea of ​​what “decent young people” should look like, you take a stand. Who are these people, how do they influence your child, why are they dressed like that, why do they listen to such strange music?

Hitler's comrade A. Speer, in his last word at the Nuremberg trials, said: “With the help of such technical means as radio and loudspeakers, independent thinking was taken away from eighty million people.” This once again proves that many stereotypes were simply imposed on us.

The best way out of this situation is to get to know your offspring’s friends and the culture they promote. Perhaps it's something harmless. Yes, they are not like that, but do you really think that everyone was delighted with hippies in the 60s?

Mistake #2

Aggression towards friends. When you are attacked, you defend yourself. Moreover, you defend yourself automatically, even if you feel that you are wrong. The same thing happens here. If you aggressively attack friends, your child will automatically defend them. And even if he feels that you are right, the principle will not allow him to recognize his friend as “bad”.

Therefore, if you find your own child in a suspicious company, calmly ask about new friends. I wrote above that the need for communication in adolescence is the leading one, which means that something attracted your child to new friends. It is possible that communicating with them is his form of protest. And in fact, it is YOU that he wants to say something with his strange communication. As they say: “I’m not crying for you, but for Aunt Sima!”

So the first step is to talk. If you remember that there is a huge difference between a conversation and an interrogation by the Gestapo, then it is quite possible that your doubts will be dispelled.

Mistake #3

By rejecting his “bad” friends, you are not helping him find “good” ones. A teenager’s sense of self is significantly influenced by his status among his peers. And, sadly, in our time, even such a question as who to be friends with for a child cannot be done without parental participation.

Everything was simple before. Children and teenagers spent most of their time, free from lessons, on the street. Here their socialization took place, here they learned the first rules of communication. For the most part, everyone was equal, and even if there were outright marginals in terms of behavior, the guys “from good families” practically did not communicate with them. Why, when you have a lot of friends and there will always be someone who shares your interests.

Are there many children playing in yards on their own now? If only in cottage villages in protected areas. And the simple courtyards of high-rise buildings are empty. Children play under adult supervision. Teenagers go to cafes or shopping centers. Or communicate on social networks.

It turns out that communication with peers is possible either at school or in courses. Where else can you meet people? In the yard there are only mothers with strollers and pensioners. And we still don’t know who lives next door.

Dear parents, you will again have to take everything into your own hands and organize a decent social circle for your own offspring. Firstly, these are summer camps. How long can I travel with you to the dacha? Let him go to the camp and communicate with his peers. There are a lot of horror stories about the camps about the presence of drugs, alcohol, marginalized individuals and ugly security there. This is somewhat exaggerated. Google the Internet, chat on forums, read reviews. On the contrary, there are summer camps with very strict discipline.

Secondly, despite the fact that the Komsomol has already sunk into oblivion, there are a huge number of youth public organizations in our country. Both local and federal. They conduct various seminars, rallies, flash mobs and much more that is interesting to a modern teenager. Look at the areas of their activities and invite your child to visit the page on the Internet. He's still on social media.

He may reject your proposal the first time, but if you are more cunning and persistent, you will achieve results. Just when offering, take his interests into account. It is unlikely that your modest daughter, who loves dogs and cats, will want to attend seminars of young active political scientists.

And how many youth volunteer organizations we have! The Internet will help you, you will be terribly surprised! Again, find something useful for the child himself and try to interest him. What to do, the time is such that you have to take even such a thing as friendship under your unobtrusive (this is the key word) control.

Mistake #4

Without instilling willpower in a child, you are not teaching him to fight back against provocations. Will is the highest level of regulation of human behavior. And this is the main difference between man and other living beings - the presence of will. It is thanks to the presence of will that a person is able to set goals and achieve them, overcoming internal and external obstacles. It is thanks to the will that a person’s choice is conscious when he has to choose from several models of behavior.

Interestingly, volitional behavior can be simple and complex. If volitional behavior is simple, then the goal does not go beyond the immediate situation. And this behavior is carried out using simple, habitual actions that are performed almost “automatically”.

But a complex volitional process... It includes both taking into account the consequences and awareness of the true motives for making a decision.

A complex act of will includes 4 stages:

1. goal setting;

2. struggle of motives;

3. decision;

4. execution.

Volitional action is a conscious, purposeful action that subordinates all impulses to strict subconscious control, changing the surrounding space in accordance with a given goal. The presence of willpower and volitional behavior are always associated with making efforts, making decisions, and implementing plans.

By the way, one of the signs of strong-willed behavior is the absence of immediate pleasure received in the process of achieving a result.

Psychologist S.L. Rubinstein, considering issues of the psychology of will in his works, identified several mechanisms for training willpower:

– anticipating the results of one’s activities;

– setting independent tasks;

– creating artificial connections (for example, I’ll wash the floor and immediately go for a walk);

– subordination of the result to a broader goal;

- fantasizing.

All these mechanisms must be trained from childhood, and training is a must. If a teenager has a big goal and adequate self-esteem, he is unlikely to succumb to provocations.

Imagine purely hypothetically that at the Olympics in Sochi, on the eve of the performance of the free program, a friend will come to figure skater Tatyana Volosozhar and say: “Tanya, let’s go for a walk. Let’s go to the club and drink champagne.” I think the answer is obvious - the girlfriend will fly out of the room like a butterfly. Because when you have a big, significant goal - to become an Olympic champion - various provocations are perceived as stupidity in the highest degree.

And if the mythical girlfriend starts to take it “weakly”, calling her “henpecked”, then guess three times whether the skater will feel guilty, sending her away? Not at all, I think.

Your children should be able to refuse, be able to respond to provocations. And without training in willpower, it will be extremely difficult for them to do this. Help them set a goal, teach them to refuse. Then your child will be safer than his peers who, for the praise of strangers: “Well done, he didn’t chicken out, he drank!” - will be ready to sacrifice their own principles.

A case from psychological practice:

In trainings for teenagers, I often use one exercise that trains the ability to refuse.

It's called "My Territory". To perform this exercise you will need a regular rope. Or a gymnastic hoop. Each person from the group takes turns going to the center of the hall and using a rope or hoop on the floor to make a circle. Then he stands in the center of this circle. This is his private territory. You cannot enter it without permission. You can only persuade him to let you into your circle.

The task of a teenager standing in a circle is not to let anyone in for as long as possible; the task of the group is to get into the circle. To get inside the circle, group members can use any tricks: psychological manipulation, flattery, persuasion. The main thing is to find a weak point, to find the key to the person standing inside the circle.

The task of the presenter is to draw the attention of the teenager inside the circle to which manipulations he reacts most painfully. Which was especially unpleasant for him to hear. And discuss with the group what words were used to hide what manipulations, what strings of the soul they tried to play on. This could be fear, desire for pleasure, pity, shame, etc.

For example, manipulations based on feelings of guilt may well be hidden behind the harmless: “Yeah, I gave you my gadget, and this is how you treated me...” And outright flattery can also be quite well packaged: “How is it possible for such a good, smart person like you, Can you keep me out of the circle?”

When completing the exercise, be sure to tell the teenager: “You give the hoop (or rope) to me, but your territory, your private space, will remain with you. Repeat". The teenager repeats so that his subconscious remembers that private territory is a sacred place, and a person has the right to refuse anyone to enter it.