Love addiction or “I can’t live without him.” It’s bad with him, but it’s impossible to live without him, why?

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asks: Maria

Hello! It’s very difficult for me to understand my relationship with an ex-man... We were together for 1.5 years, all this time I tried to please him (I dressed modestly, didn’t contradict, completely changed my lifestyle, stopped communicating with my friends), in a word lived with him. This whole state led me to the point that I simply could not withstand such pressure and “compression” of myself (restrictions), that I “exploded” and left him. A few months later we got back together... but that’s the time I walked with friends and did everything that he limited me in. After the reunion, he was “broken” and at every meeting he said that I had betrayed him (I didn’t have relationships with men, he was the first). Now we are not together. ..My parents found out that we got back together again and forbade me to communicate with him... To which he said that he wanted to go out with me, like those friends, and that there was no talk of a wedding... because I don’t sit at home , and I was walking with a friend in the parks, I broke his heart. My father called him through me to talk, but instead of coming and defending me (my beloved) in front of my parents, he cursed us for this and turned off. Several weeks passed and he again showed up... he says that he doesn’t need me like this, but at the same time he’s watching me. Now he’s writing that I’m stupid and that I won’t meet someone like him and that I’ll suffer all my life and love only him... Help with advice. ..It’s hard for me both with him and bad without him (

Answers and advice from psychologists

Psychologist-psychanalyst

I am a psychologist of a psychoanalytic school. In 2005 I graduated from the Eastern European Institute of Psychoanalysis in St. Petersburg. Specialization is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst. I am engaged in private practice. Practical experience in the specialty - 14 years.

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Hello. Maria. If this person managed to squeeze you to the point of explosion during the candy (indicative) period, then think for yourself what will happen in the second phase of the relationship, when all the masks are removed from him. I think that you will be guaranteed tyranny for life. He knows how to suppress and coerce. But he doesn’t know how to love and appreciate. Nevertheless, how you evaluate your life is how you will live in it. Since you have the same right to choose as he does. And it doesn’t matter how many times a month he appears and stalks. It is important for you to think about yourself and your peace of mind. But, since this young man has magnetism for you, you yourself can weigh and decide how much your Value is worth.

Maria, what you describe is a clear example of a dependent relationship. This is not about love, this is about addiction.

From your story, it’s not clear why you feel bad without him?

But if any advice can be given here, it is to take charge of your life, your interests, as much as possible, make a firm decision (with your head!) about this person and abide by it (no matter how you are manipulated and tempted to the contrary).

My problem is not mutual love. I'm a 3rd year college student. When I first entered here as a 1st year student, a boy fell in love with me. He loved me very much, carried me in his arms, was with me when no one was around, but I didn’t love him. and in the 2nd year it turned out that now it’s me who loves him and he doesn’t love me. It's very difficult for me. I can't live without him, every day I come home and cry. I'm jealous of everyone. How can I stop loving him? This is no longer just love, but a disease. In every couple, I ask my classmate to watch him whether he will look at me or not. It is unbearable. I cut myself many times. I drank alcohol in an attempt to forget him, but it didn't work. Please help me
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kitten in a well, age: 18 / 10/13/2018

Responses:

I had almost the same practice... only I loved from the very beginning, but I didn’t. Believe me. All this is not worth your suffering, start reading books, watching TV shows, but don’t think about him. As they say, time heals everything and it's true. You just have to wait..

BulatKim, age: 18 / 10/13/2018

Hello,

Of course, now all the assurances that this will pass are unlikely to have an effect, but it will pass. Once upon a time, I heard a small remark about love for another person (including unrequited love), the Lord loves his children just as much as we love those who do not love us, and not all people reciprocate God, remaining deaf to He'll have it all his life. My advice: keep a diary, write your thoughts, pain, everything that comes to your soul, mind, and heart for a week, and then burn it. Then place a toy opposite you that will symbolize your boyfriend, talk to it as you would talk to him. Ask for forgiveness for not being able to reciprocate at the time, apologize for falling in love now, wish him happiness, express everything, and take a break, say for the weekend. Just sleep as much as you can. After all these shenanigans it will become much easier for you, you will see...

Hold on! We only have one life!

Rosochka, age: 31 / 10/14/2018

Hello. Kitten, your love will definitely pass, the main thing is to want to distract yourself, maybe with study, you are already an adult girl, of age, you can find a job or a part-time job. Get ready to enter university. Understand that for now it is more important to get on your feet, to achieve something in life, and not novels, boys, etc. Don't torture yourself with non-reciprocal feelings! This guy never existed, delete him from your life. And, of course, do not poison your body with bad habits, it is better to play sports. Good luck!

Irina, age: 30 / 10/14/2018

Hello, Kitten in the Well! Immediately stop distracting your friend during class with your strange requests! Perhaps she herself is happy to be distracted, but she needs to study, and not count glances! My version may seem monstrous to you, but perhaps you are suffering not so much from love as from wounded pride and self-esteem? Such cases are not uncommon, especially in youth. How is it possible, the guy carried him in his arms for a long time, but now he doesn’t even pay attention!! But I could be wrong. In any case, I assume that you will not return it. I suggest you not to get drunk anymore, because intoxication gives the effect of oblivion for only a few hours, and then “bonuses” await you - a hangover, a bad mood, shame for your behavior and a “super prize” - alcoholism. You write that you are a third year student. You will probably receive your diploma in the summer of 2019? Then you won’t have long to suffer in close proximity to the object of your suffering. There will probably also be pre-graduation internships at different enterprises. Do you have to study a year or two longer? This means that you will still have to survive this time. I join those who advised you to exercise more. This could be long walks, or working out in the gym, or working in the garden, or something else, depending on your health and financial capabilities. If the period of the most acute pain passes, really immerse yourself in your studies, as you were also advised. This will help you graduate successfully from college. After a few years, you will notice that new life experiences have overshadowed your love, and it seems to have dissolved.

Elena, age: 45 / 10/14/2018

Dear Kitten, there is a very good book “Women Who Love Too Much” - in it you will find answers to all your questions.
On my own behalf, I will say that you yourself see that this love is sick, bringing neither peace nor joy, and it’s probably not love, but passion - it burns and stings.

First of all, the partner must be a sincere, cordial, friend to us, then the relationship will be warm and healthy.

To understand your psychological attitudes towards love, it would be good to consult a psychologist.

esta, age: 44 / 10/14/2018

Hello, Kitten in the Well!

Your situation is very unpleasant, you correctly described it as a disease. It even has a name - codependency. When you experience love, you become better, but when you don’t, you become worse.

From your message it is clear that you are experiencing a strong longing for the past, for the inability to repeat it. Try to be here and now, in this second. At this moment, the earth is spinning, and you are simply on it. What is the temperature in the room? What do you hear and see? How do you feel? You are alive! You are here and now and can create life in the most beautiful way. I think this exercise will help overcome anxiety.

Kitten in the well, happy relationships and lots of love to you!

Victoria lends a helping hand into the well, age: 27 / 10/16/2018

Hello! I really sympathize with you. Just don't despair. This pain will definitely pass, but now it’s better for you to distract yourself from thinking about him. It will be best if you focus on your studies or find something interesting to do. Just don’t cut yourself and don’t drink, please, it won’t make you feel any better. You correctly understand that this is not true love for you, but a painful attachment. If anything happens, you can always consult a psychologist about this. First, you can talk to a psychologist online.
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And you can also ask the Lord for help) God created you as a wonderful person, He loves you very much and will never leave you) Ask Him for help more often and it will become easier for you) God is always with you) I wish you the meaning of life, more patience and strength, good relationships in the family, success in studies, good health, always a good mood, happiness, more, joy and peace in life and all the best! Hold on, God will help you! Guardian Angel to you! Warm hugs, you are not alone!

Anastasia, age: 20 / 10/17/2018

There is probably not a single woman who, at least once in her life, has not heard from her friends: “I can’t live without him.” Indeed, despite the sick relationship, such friends continue to endure and hope that something will change. Or, having parted, they really don’t live, still digging up the fragments of the past and sprinkling ashes on their heads. The most interesting thing is that a new relationship, like a good photocopy, is very similar to the previous one.

And then, such a friend begins to visit “sorceresses” who will definitely find her with a wreath of celibacy or tell her about the sins of past lives. For a while, after these manipulations, it will seem to her that it has become easier, but then everything will return to normal.

Despite her sincere desire for happiness and her willingness to do something for it, all the men in her life, one way or another, turn out to be “the wrong ones.” Someone drinks, someone hits, someone walks or is impossibly greedy, grumpy and picky like an old man, and someone is actually married. All of them, for some time, made her happy, or maybe it seemed so to her, but then, at some point, suddenly everything changed not for the better, no matter how hard she tried to please and please again. She always sincerely hopes that a person can be changed in a good way, you just need to behave even better, because it is so important for her to be appreciated and loved. But, for some reason, all her love is just suffering.

And, if you look more closely, in all these painful and unhappy relationships, a certain sequence of actions is very clearly visible. For example, such a friend does not look for easy ways; she herself “provokes” the appearance of complex, emotionally unavailable men next to her with her eternal readiness to please and try to please. And then, with “simple and understandable” things, she is very bored and insipid. At the beginning of a relationship, she is “head over heels in love”; they give her the much-needed feelings of security, love and attention. But, as soon as the relationship approaches a certain stage of equilibrium, she, no longer finding the same emotional response from her partner, begins to feel unsafe “what if he has someone” or “what if he doesn’t need me.” And then she begins to behave even “better” in the literal sense of the word, investing even more in the relationship. Eventually, satisfaction with the relationship and its contribution to it begin to be inversely proportional. She no longer receives that feeling of happiness, but she always remembers it, remembering those wonderful moments at the beginning of the relationship and trying with all her might to hold on to them. Therefore, trying to restore the previous sense of security, she begins to “cling” to her partner in fear. The partner, seeing her readiness to do anything for the sake of love, treats her as he sees fit. He sees how necessary she is, how strong her need is for love and for him as its source. A girl in love, not noticing anything, continues to suffer in this relationship (even if it was life-threatening), because she is afraid of being lonely and abandoned. She is ready to do anything, make any sacrifice, just to be with this person, finding many reasons why they need to be together.

And the real reason for her suffering was “love addiction.” She was truly emotionally dependent on her partner because she did not feel internally whole. She saw herself only in the mirror of male attention and her partner’s attitude towards her, which is why she tried so hopelessly to fix everything. It was so important for her to be needed by someone. After all, she felt inferior to herself. She just needs a person who would convince her that she is worthy of something. She cannot give this to herself.

Only awareness of the underlying reasons for her behavior will help her get out of the vicious circle, because all other recipes simply will not work. By engaging in such masochism in relationships and provoking it in relation to themselves, such women, as a rule, protect themselves from other, more painful topics: from the danger of the world around them and themselves. And if you try to “quickly” take away this protection from her, she will not be able to stand it and will find an even more destructive way, just so as not to feel herself, not to be left alone with her own “badness” and pain. Therefore, for such friends who are prone to suffering in love, the best support will not be pity or condemnation, but the help of a specialist.

Yulia Gennadievna Gorozhankina
Practicing psychologist. Existential-humanistic therapist.

Breakups are often painful

Love comes in different forms. Sometimes she gives us wings, and we joyfully soar above the earth, and sometimes she is able to break our rose-colored glasses and lower us from heaven. When attachment to a person prevents you from enjoying life, this is not love, but an addiction that needs to be gotten rid of as soon as possible. “” - you say and are faced with a wall of misunderstanding. How to get rid of thoughts about a person who doesn't need you? Let's try to figure out this difficult problem.

Basic human needs

As you know, a person has basic needs that he must constantly satisfy for a normal existence. First of all, it is the air we breathe. Our breathing is so important that just a few minutes without oxygen kills us. Secondly, there is the need for water and food. Thirst and hunger make us forget about everything in the world until we find water and food and are properly satisfied. The need for sleep can also be put on a par with quenching thirst and hunger. A person cannot live long without sleep, as the body needs time to recuperate. Then, when basic needs are satisfied, a person can already think about his position in society. We need other people to notice us and communicate with us. A person also cannot be without communication and in a state of loneliness; even introverts need to satisfy their need to communicate with other people from time to time. As you can see, none of these needs include relationships with the opposite sex. While we are hungry, have nowhere to live or cannot find ourselves in society, relationships fade into the background. You should remember that you cannot live without food, water and sleep, before declaring that you cannot live without any person, even if he is more important to you now than the air you breathe.

What a woman needs

Each of us sooner or later comes to the realization that she needs a family. Some girls have a desire to become a mother since childhood. Although many girls take a long time to realize that they need a child. But a woman is ready for a relationship with a man from her youth.

She definitely needs to satisfy her need to love and be loved. And if the first is successfully satisfied by falling in love with Hollywood stars or popular singers, then the second need for love may remain unsatisfied for a long time. Lack of love in childhood and adolescence provokes a painful perception of parting with a man.

The girl simply does not want to imagine her life without the man who left her. Instead of looking for a person who wants to be with her, she will focus on her suffering over the past and it will take a long time before her feelings cool down. After all, you can warm up love without even seeing a man, but by constantly remembering him. No person can be more valuable than the air you breathe or more important than your life. And even if your love seems incurable to you, urgently get rid of this thought. If you wish, you can stop loving the man you care about and start your life without his presence in it. Start getting rid of your crush!

Women suffer more from falling in love and become attached to someone more often than men. She can become attached to a kitten on the street, a new dress and a friend from work. Attachment to a man is quite understandable. We want a family, we miss warmth, love and nights spent not alone. The habit of being with a certain person is so strong that when he leaves, you have no idea how to live further. However, each of us has had difficult breakups, after which life at first lost its bright colors, but then acquired meaning again and love returned in a different guise. Moreover, if you treat parting as an experience, many things become clear as day. For example, the person who left us taught us to value real feelings and helped us avoid many mistakes in our next relationship.

How to deal with addiction

No one but you can make your heart stop loving a man who doesn't love you. The path to learning to let go of attachment will not be easy. You may need the help of a specialist to explain to you where it comes from.

Only new impressions and experiences will help displace the old ones

addiction and will help you remember an incident from childhood that made you afraid to live without a man. Then you need to fill your life with another meaning besides a man. By filling your life as much as possible with new hobbies and meeting other people, you will not give yourself time to get bored. Many girls try to fill the void left after a man leaves with other gentlemen, but trying too quickly to move on from the breakup ends in failure. You can go on dates and have a good time, but don’t rush to fall in love again, because you are not yet ready for a new person to be in your heart. Give yourself time to sort yourself out and don't start new relationships while memories of your past relationship still hurt you. And finally, love yourself for both of you and do everything to make you feel comfortable.
As you can see, “” is not a sentence, but simply a problem that requires a solution. Our feelings are controllable; all we need is willpower and the desire to change our lives. Believe that you will be able to forget the man who did not want to stay with you!

I'm walking in a vicious circle. The man with whom I have been together for 4 months now does not notice me at all. Now it’s not so important for him to call me, write to me, walk with me... Everyone has long known that he doesn’t love me, he hides our relationship from his friends. I asked many times: “why are you doing this?” And he answered me: “I say that I have a girlfriend, but they don’t need to know that it’s you, I don’t want gossip.” I believe, I calm down for a while, and then... Then I find out that he’s gossiping to everyone, that he is a free man... I didn’t believe it at first, and then I asked my friend to pester him. I got to the bottom of the truth, he fell for it right away! I threw a tantrum, he told me that he was just joking, that he loved me. I knew it was a lie... He was lying again, but I loved him too much, forgave him... My meaning in life was focused on him. He knows how much I love him and it seems to me that he just feels sorry for me. Because he treats me completely indifferently.
They tell me to let go, not to torture myself, but I can’t imagine life without him. I already swallowed pills once, when we just quarreled, then I almost died... Don’t think that I did this to scare him and get him back. I just didn't want to live without him.
It is addiction. What to do?

Ksana, St. Petersburg, 16 years old

Art psychologist's answer:

Hello, Ksana.

Yes, your condition is similar to love addiction - you cannot live without him, you are not interested in life without him, you don’t want anything without him. And your condition is understandable. Of course, you need to work with such conditions in person in consultation with a psychologist, especially since you already had such a serious case with pills. If possible, if your loved ones support you, contact a psychologist in person. In the meantime, think about your life more broadly. At 16, you swallowed pills and didn’t want to live, you can’t live without this person who wipes his feet on you, lies to you, takes advantage of you and your feelings. What will happen at 18? And at 21? And at 24? How would you consider yourself worthy of living these years? Do you want to be with him all this time and hope that your relationship will someday improve and be fulfilling? Objectively, the chances of this happening are almost zero. Things can only get worse - in the end, he will betray you and leave you. But don’t you expect this from this person, hand on heart? Then you will say that it is better to die? Perhaps this is also a way out. But have you ever wanted to love and be truly loved, and not serve as a doormat? Didn't want to study and do something interesting in life? Didn't want to have a family and children in the future? Didn’t you want to develop into a beautiful and interesting woman, see a lot in life, try a lot, go somewhere, do something? And do you think that chasing after some stupid young bastard and putting it all on the line - is this the right decision? How much is ahead of you! There are so many worthy men who will give you love, joy, look after you and run after you! You have parents, relatives, friends - they consider it worthy to exchange your life for this individual, is he worth it? Come on, Ksana, we’ll bury you better than you’ll be left without such a wonderful guy like this, where else can you find someone like him, it won’t be better in your entire life, so it’s either with him or nothing. Does all this seem adequate, normal, worthy to you? I understand you as well as possible, you love, you want to be with him at all costs, you feel bad without him. But in a relationship there are always two people, and if the other doesn’t want, doesn’t try, does everything the opposite, then the other cannot be forced to love him, the love of a scoundrel cannot be won, no actions can change him. So you need to change yourself, change your attitude and change your life, if you respect yourself, if you love yourself even a little, if you think that you deserve a normal future and a happy youth.

Sincerely, Maria Pugacheva.