Reasons for family divorce. Why foster families sometimes break up
Family psychologist, involved expert of the Rinat Akhmetov Foundation Marianna Lapina told the readers of the portal “No to orphanhood!” about the causes of problems that may appear on the way to a happy life of spouses in a foster family.
A friend of mine claims all the time that she doesn't like the oft-repeated saying, "Relationships take work." She says that she does not want to work, she is looking for a relationship that will bring her pleasure. He has been looking for a long time, but cannot find it, since any pleasure has its limitations, and if it is endless, then it becomes a routine, loses its meaning, as well as family relationships, if two people do not work on them - he and she.
Indeed, when relationships are created, they will have to be constantly worked on, because each of the two has their own needs, desires, interests, and in some way they need to be taken into account. In addition, each system goes through a series of regular crises that underlie the normal cycle of family development. These crises are like springboards with which the family system can move from one stage of its development to the next. For example, when children first appear and later - when they leave the “nest”, when spouses move from one age to another, or their parents grow old and require more attention.
But at the same time, each family has individual situational crises. These include infidelity, illness, job loss, health problems in children or parents, and so on.
The foster family has even more such crises. The cycle of development of such a family is different, because sometimes not one child comes, but two or more. In addition, children are accepted into the family already big, with their own life experience and many traumas. Therefore, the family hearth of host families is not at all like all the others. And not every family can withstand such stress.
Several reasons why a family union may collapse
First reason
In my practice, I have often met families who could not master the new status. When discussing the situation, we found out that the parents did not have ways to help them cope with the new crisis. If before that the whole life of the spouses was concentrated around the interests of the children, then the moment the child left the “nest” was unbearable for them. According to the spouses, suddenly a feeling of emptiness and their own uselessness came to them. This crisis showed them that over the years they had learned to live together only for the sake of their children, only their lives: their anxieties, worries, successes and failures in training, at school, etc. At the same time, dad and mom lost their personal interests, stopped developing as individuals and, of course, as spouses.
At such a moment, the couple is forced to solve the problem of their existence as a family. And she may decide to resume the experience in which the spouses were successful and create the same system as before. They decide to live again for the sake of the children. But usually by this time the age of the parents exceeds 40 years, they do not want to give birth to their children, but are thinking about taking in an orphan.
The couple, inspired by the idea of not only restoring their lives, but also helping a child who has found himself without adult care, does not think too much about their relationship, which is clearly tense, because a man and a woman have ceased to be spouses, lovers, friends for each other. They left for themselves only the parent role of all roles. And in such a role it is very difficult to solve the accumulated marital problems, which the partners have been silent about for a long time.
The child comes (and sometimes more than one at once), but this is not at all the baby whom they nursed together. He has other needs, a "complex character", a behavior that many do not like. And he also feels that the parents are not very good with each other. Children, especially adopted ones, are noble manipulators, because they survived by the law of the jungle. The child begins to rock the boat of family relationships. He does this unconsciously, not at all intending to ruin the marriage of new parents. It's just that life taught him to adapt as it is more profitable.
At this moment, it is very important for parents to be unanimous in their opinion regarding the rules of behavior, living in the house. It is important for them not only to take care of the child, but also their relationships, themselves, in order to avoid burnout and not go crazy.
If this does not happen, all unresolved problems will begin to surface, and the relationship will resemble bare wires. Any problematic behavior of the child, which, alas, cannot be avoided, will, like a discharge of current, hit the family system. And sooner or later she will fail. Most often, spouses will face the problem of choosing: a husband (wife) or a child. And this will be the beginning of a break in relations, because any choice will not be in favor of the family. If the choice of one of the spouses is in favor of the child, then the second (more often the man) will leave, and if in favor of the partner, then the family will again return to its unresolved problem of marital relations. If the husband and wife manage to rebuild and regain all the lost roles, then everything will be fine, and if not, they will come to a break.
The second reason
Often, if grief happens in a family and parents lose a blood child, the spouses decide to heal their wound by taking in an adopted child. They may consciously or even unconsciously look for a child who looks like their son or daughter.
Dealing with loss is a complex process. It goes very hard. Step by step, a special path must be traversed, which cannot be made easier, shortened, or bypassed. It includes a period of apathy, and anger at oneself or others, and a state of depression and deep sadness. Only after going through all these stages, a person begins a new life without the one he lost.
If the spouses in one of these periods decide to adopt another child into the family, the consequences may be different. It is important to consider that the child will come to them not to alleviate their condition, but to find help and support. And people who experience negative emotions, who have not experienced their loss, are not able to cope with such a task.
According to one mother, she thought that grief would unite her and her husband, and they could put a lot of effort into giving love to a new child. But, to her disappointment, their grief began to move away. They could not equally attach themselves to the girl who came to the family. Each of the spouses was looking for something in her that could reduce the suffering for the lost daughter, but did not find it.
Over time, the husband and wife realized that their relationship was deteriorating, the girl did not live up to their expectations. This story ended unpleasantly for all involved. The child was transferred to another family, and the couple broke up.
Third reason
Sometimes there is a breakdown in marital relations and couples who have lived very well for many years, overcame many crises, successfully raise children. At some point, a woman feels that she has not fully realized her maternal potential. She wants to help orphans, whose profiles she saw, for example, on the portal “No to orphanhood!” Rinat Akhmetov Foundation. Or maybe she has acquaintances or friends who are raising adopted children, and they succeed very well. After a while, the woman shares her idea with her husband and persuades her to create a foster family. The man disagrees. Everything suits him, they have already achieved a lot together, and I don’t want to change anything.
Time passes - the wife insists, inclines the head of the family to take a decisive step. She promises that he will not suffer, that nothing will change, and that she will solve most of the problems regarding adopted children herself. The man agrees, and they agree on various nuances that may arise in connection with the arrival of a new family member. One of them, for example, may sound like this: “If everything goes wrong and you definitely don’t want it, we can return the child.”
When the baby arrives at their house, at first, perhaps everything will go as planned. But over time, a man may feel that he did not have an internal decision to change his life so drastically. A child who grew up in a residential institution or in another disadvantaged environment will require a lot of attention and care from new parents. And with its appearance, many rules will have to be changed. And since the husband did not want this initially, he realizes that this child is undesirable for him, especially since it was promised to return everything to its place if you don’t like it. Then the child becomes such a “probe”, a temporary guest in the family. The adopted child will feel this, because he will not rush to become attached to new parents - and his behavior can only get worse. Sooner or later, the man will decide that he no longer wants to participate in this, so it's time to return the child.
During this time, the wife may begin to get used to the child who appeared in their family. In addition, from the very beginning she had an inner desire and readiness for such a step. Therefore, she will not be ready to part with the ward. And a woman can also be aware of the serious consequences of such a decision for a small person. And where should she go, how to cope with her guilt towards him if she betrays him again, as other adults did before?
As a result, the man leaves the family with the feeling that he was deceived.
Fourth reason
Many families break up due to the fact that life is stuck, and foster families are no exception. Only here, with the advent of new very different children who have behavioral difficulties, especially at first, problems with studies and much more, this most unfortunate life will more and more affect the family. All those daily tasks that adoptive parents will have to solve will grow like a snowball from day to day. At the same time, adults themselves can forget about their own needs and about the needs of each other.
More than once I met women who stopped monitoring their appearance and paying attention to their husbands. Their life became self-sacrifice in the name of children. Over time, in such a family, the relationship of the spouses deteriorated. Sometimes a man found an outlet on the side - another woman who could pay attention to him, his anxieties and problems, satisfy his sexual needs. And it happened that the spouses suddenly realized that they had different ideas about the family. And then their relationship ended if the realization of what was happening did not come in time.
I think that this is not the whole list of reasons due to which there are big problems on the way to a happy life of spouses in a foster family. Perhaps someone will add to this list with their experience.
Fortunately, most families survive crises. They have their own margin of safety, they know how to negotiate and hear each other. This is the secret of a successful relationship, whether you are adopted or not. Many fathers and mothers with whom I was lucky to communicate could write books about raising their bloodless children with love and understanding. They know how to do it so professionally without special knowledge that you can only learn from specialists. And I learned from many of them, including those who managed to save their families, despite the fact that their relationship was once on the verge of breaking.
The first stage of romantic courtship and strongest love is over. The “candy-bouquet” period is over, and the relationship has already strengthened so much that it turned out to be a strong married couple.
But still, a stable strong couple broke up with a bang after a while, despite the mutual love and respect that reigned in it. Why? What killer ruined another family?
Earlier it was mentioned about conflicts in the family and conflict prevention, today we will talk about the specific reasons for the breakup of families. Armed with this knowledge, we can fix existing problems and prevent new ones.
Relatives and friends
Surrounding, especially parents, are lovers of giving advice and interfering in everyday life. This daily influence is the worst enemy of relationships. No wonder there is an opinion among the people that more than two-thirds of families break up due to the fault of relatives.
What to do? There is only one possible solution - to be wise and well-mannered. Try to maintain friendly relations with relatives, nod, thank for advice, but then ... this is your family and you build it. Take the best from the experience of others and apply in your family.
resentment
No matter how inspired we are by the feeling of love and the desire to do everything for the benefit of another, there comes a moment when we begin to notice that we ourselves are missing something. Either they didn’t give us the right answer, or they didn’t pay attention to us in the right way, or maybe they really seriously offended us with their actions.
Our mutual grievances can destroy the strongest union. Don't hold a grudge. Talk about it honestly and openly. It is better not immediately, not in a "piping hot", but calmly discuss the situation, explaining what hurt you.
Usually someone who loves you will be sympathetic to such honesty. Your sincerity will help him correct himself if he really offended you. Share your feelings, even your husband or wife can't read your mind.
Annoying little things
We are different. It is our difference, different abilities and skills that we complement each other. We are brought up in different families, we communicate in a different circle of people and therefore we acquire different habits (somehow shoes are not so worth it, clothes hang differently, a toothbrush is not in a glass, etc.).
You might say to yourself, “No one is perfect. It's the little things, and I love him for who he is." Everything seems to be correct. But over time, all this will annoy more and more and ultimately kill the relationship.
You can’t hesitate and you can’t try to come to terms either. It is necessary to voice the problem and work out its solution together peacefully, with love and respect for the habits of your companion!
Sex and habit
Having lived together for quite a long time, the novelty in the relationship disappears and addiction to each other begins. There is stability and peace. And sex is off the agenda faster than the couple can figure it out.
Do not give place to such addiction! To keep the romantic fire alive in a relationship, give each other surprises, such as a surprise gift.
Walk together more often - cinema, theater, just in the park! Talk to each other more! This will open you each other from new and new sides. Mental intimacy will begin to seek harmony in the physical - do not forget about this balance!
Goal Mismatch
Here it is appropriate to recall the swan, cancer and pike from Krylov's fable. Only the result is different: the cart will not remain "and now there" - it will crash into the abyss of misunderstanding and alienation. Do not be silent!
Talk, share, discuss and compromise. You are one family, which means that you should choose one direction. In fact, the main goals in the life of each other and your family in general, it would be nice to find out even before the wedding. Next, resolve small disagreements by talking. Why could it turn out that you are striving for one, and your husband (wife) for another?
Past
The past is called the past because it is gone. His mistakes, of course, should be taken into account, but God forbid anyone to live with them. And God forbid to compare past partners with the present. We must move forward and think about the future. Life is a movement and only forward.
Forcing
Of course, everyone wants to have everything at once. But that doesn't happen. Normal relationships always develop naturally and calmly. Don't rush things. Remember that marriages are made in heaven, and they say so for a reason.
Don't expect too much from the other, be willing to work on the relationship constantly with an understanding of the other's needs. The same applies to the financial condition of the family. You may not have everything you wanted right away. But you can help each other to confidently move towards this goal, and not destroy any motivation of the other with your frustration.
Treason
It's a family killer. It is difficult to survive this and often after that the family is destroyed, even if the spouses remain together to live. Not every couple is given to survive after infidelity. Change is betrayal. It can be not only physical betrayal. Our thoughts and words must be controlled and weighed.
Unpreparedness for family life
All of the above problems could actually arise from one thing - the young couple did not fully represent the picture of family life. Faced with difficulties, she got scared and gave back.
Yes, family life is not always colorful and airy, your spouse is not always the first to meet you, not all expectations have come true. But this is not a reason to destroy relationships, but only a signal that you need to reconsider them and start learning to build! Yes, love is a daily work for the benefit of another person. Are you ready to be the first to give this love no matter what?
Sometimes it will be difficult, but family happiness is worth it, because you are together! Never miss the value of sincere communication. Lovingly share all your feelings about relationships. Support each other, justify him (her) to yourself and others! Praise, not scold each other - for food, clean linen, for any work in the house, no matter how small it may seem, and for a bunch of different things - thank you! Hug each other! Admire each other!
Advice to all yes love! The happiness of your family is in your hands!
We will be happy to help you if you have any questions. Comments and feedback form is open for you.
According to statistics, 70% of marriages break up. What is the reason for such massive divorces? Tell incompatibility of characters? Loss of feelings? Fear of difficulties, everyday problems, selfishness and unwillingness to change? Perhaps partly yes, but still the main reason why families break up is the inability of a husband and wife to show and give each other their love. It seems to you that this does not sound very true, like, somehow superficial? In order to be convinced of the opposite, I recommend reading this article, which was inspired by Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages.
It is amazing, but it turns out that every person from birth learns not only their native language and perception of the world, but also the way to convey their love. Naturally, such a skill is formed by observing the baby for his parents. How does a father express his love to his mother, as she does to him? What are these words of love, surprises, help, care? This is how this child will express his love in the future. But it’s far from a fact that his soulmate will understand his love language. She may have her own way of expressing her feelings, and her expectations of hearing or seeing evidence that she is loved may not match his. Let's look at what love languages Gary Chapman revealed and see why families still break up.
Five love languages:
- words of approval. This is the support of a beloved in undertakings, and faith in him, and compliments, and praise. These are any encouraging words that will give self-confidence.
- Quality time. This is the time that a loved one devotes to his soulmate. Quality time is not talking without taking your eyes off the TV or the newspaper. This is a face-to-face conversation. This is a joint walk, picnic, hiking or rollerblading. Time spent together. Given to each other with love.
- Acts of service. For some people, doing certain things is the best proof of love. For example, if a man speaks the language of love “acts of service”, then for him a clean tidy house, a deliciously cooked dinner, and washed things will be the best evidence of love from his wife.
- Physical touch. I must say right away that this is not only sex. It is also holding hands during a walk, an unobtrusive kiss at a meeting, hugs during the day, massage, all kinds of stroking and scratching.
- Present. Just. Flowers for no reason. Perhaps souvenirs for him. All sorts of surprises and unexpected gifts. There are people for whom gifts are a way to show their love.
Of course, in life we often use each of these points and would like our beloved to express their love to us using all five love languages. But still, for each of us, one language is a priority.
So we come close to the question of why families break up. Imagine a couple, an average family, of which there are actually millions. For her, the language of love is "quality time". For him, "words of approval." She tries to show him her love with the help of the language that she knows herself. She is ready to spend time with him, listens to him attentively, without interrupting. Seeks to organize their common leisure. And expect the same from him. But does not receive. And he, for his part, expresses his love with words of approval. He constantly tells her what a delicious dinner she cooked, what beautiful curtains she bought, repeats that she has exquisite taste. Cheers her up when she's unsure of herself. And in return, he really wants to feel her support. But he doesn't hear a word. He is offended, because he "works hard" at work to provide the family with everything necessary, and she does not seem to appreciate it at all. Does not notice. Since in this family neither he nor she receives the love they need, an abyss forms between them. They move away from each other, accumulating resentment and mutual claims. And then they feel an emptiness in the soul. “I don't love her anymore. Feelings faded,” he says. And she silently agrees with him: "Fade out."
This is why families break up. Because men and women speak different love languages. It's the same if her native language was Chinese and his was English. And everyone would say the words: "I love you" in their own language. They would never know that their love is mutual. Therefore, it is very important to find the key to understanding the words of love from your chosen one.
Photo by Kevin Carden
By the way, it must be said that very often the language of love for men is physical touch. And as an important component - sex. A woman has gifts, for example. Or words of encouragement. And he constantly climbs under her skirt instead of giving her flowers or giving her a compliment. As a result, over time, it begins to seem to a woman that a man uses her to satisfy his carnal needs. That he doesn't love her at all. She, not receiving his love in a way that is clear to her, increasingly closes herself from him and one fine day refuses to go to bed with him. Then it's time to marvel at him. And if at the same time she expresses to him: “You don’t love me at all,” his brain generally explodes. He does not understand where such a conclusion comes from, if he wants her, he touches her, that is, he speaks of his love in this way.
This is a misunderstanding that you need to speak to your soul mate about love not in your love language, but in hers, and it breaks families.
Putting on a wedding ring, hands trembling with happy excitement, on the finger of an already held spouse, of course, not one of the brides is thinking about a divorce. Moreover, even no one predicts that after a very short period, the person standing opposite can become so unbearable or unpleasant that you want to run so as not to see him, not to hear him.
Nevertheless, the statistics of the breakdown of young social small groups called families is sad: about 57% of young spouses go to extreme measures. It is worth specifying the reasons for the gaps, since such an extreme measure in the form of a divorce has become commonplace in modern society.
The reason for the breakup of a young family: youth
The criticality of the situation that pushes young individuals to divorce lies in early marriage. Some in a relationship can be revealed even in the phase of preparation for the marriage ceremony, to which it is young people who are more inclined.
People who formalize their relationship, who are in more mature years, often refuse magnificent festivities. This often happens not because of the cost, but because of not taking part in unnecessary rituals, not coming in preparation for contradictions and conflict situations. Yes, and the very ceremonial nature of such a cultural event often leads to personal crises, since it subconsciously postpones crossing a certain barrier, when there is no going back.
The wedding, in the form of a public ceremony, is the dividing mark of the previous stage, which helps all participants to make the transition to a new path of relationships. At the same time, not just married individuals are combined, but also them, who have influence on each other, thereby creating a network of a complex subsystem.
Before entering into marriage, the couple had already established a certain one, although they may have little information about each other. After the relationship is fixed, which marks that people need each other, the relationship should already have a different kind of communication, that's when sudden ones happen. Before the ceremony, a charming person could forgive many mistakes to her future spouse, and after the official celebration, she suddenly begins to correct and educate him. Likewise, a guy who was completely tolerant of a companion regarding attachment or inability to cook may begin to insist on a change in behavior.
As a rule, behavioral underpinnings could appear even before marriage. Individuals have a remarkable subconscious ability for themselves to choose the right companions for life who are suitable for their needs. Unfortunately, later, many insist that they encountered unexpected behavior of the spouse. Let us explain in more detail: a girl who is prone to assumption about herself selects for herself someone who is ready to cooperate with her in this; with an unconscious feeling that the individual deserves little, he seeks to find a spouse of the same perspective, as a result, both get what they were looking for.
Young individuals are often not quite ready for marriage when the decision to reunite is made in the euphoria of love. What it is, young people often do not even guess, the incentives for some concessions are excluded, to listen to a partner, as a result, a divorce happens.
The main reasons for the consequences of divorces of young spouses
Addictions. A popular reason for the collapse of unions lies in addiction to addictions: alcohol, gambling addiction, drug addiction, and so on. The union, when one of the partners is attached to this kind of pleasure, becomes unbearable. Such addictions are most often inherent in young people who will taste life, and moreover, there is more imaginary freedom in marriage, at least from parental control. If there is no desire of the satellite to get rid of the negative, then there is only one way out, of course, to diverge.
Infidelity. Marriage can also come at an honorable age, but this is already a midlife crisis, and so on. Often, young married couples tend to infidelity, because over time they comprehend that they did not have time to taste love before marriage. Sometimes infidelity signals sexual incompatibility or partial dissatisfaction. The problem arises when young individuals are gradually absorbed into everyday life, when the novelty of sensations ceases to please, the first pregnancy occurs, and so on. Cheating can be explained, but it is quite difficult to forgive, and incompatibility is a solvable issue.
Instability of earnings. Difficulties in material terms can arise in any family, regardless of the duration of the union, but newlyweds perceive the fact of a constant lack of funds much more sensitively. Huge, for example, household appliances, furniture, dishes, etc., are unable to be instantly satisfied without a stable and good income, especially if the newlyweds are still students. As a result, scandals, nervousness and the collapse of the union arise.
Outlook on life, spiritual poverty. Surprisingly, while falling in love keeps completely different people, the difference in views is not noticeable. For example, a spouse is educated, has a good position at a young age, can afford a vacation by the sea for his family, is fond of “smart” books. At the same time, the young individual, as a native of a completely different segment of the population, does not even try to get at least any education, loves to spend his free time in the garden, and does not even bother to understand what can be entertaining in his books. With the collapse of the social cell of such people, it is often said that they did not agree on mores and outlooks on life.
Partners in the union should be occupied with common interests, not sit in the evenings at the computer or TV. If your partner is spiritually higher than you and more educated, try to at least lightly reach out to his mind and views on the worldly essence.
The first signs of the near collapse of the family
A young family does not collapse spontaneously, the gap is approaching like an avalanche, when annoyance with each other grows gradually, until it results in a decision to divorce.
In the beginning, there may be some chill in the relationship. More chill concerns sex, when young individuals prefer rather than joy. In everyday life, individuals may practically not communicate or be limited to short remarks, their conversations more converge to a common stumbling block: everyday problems. Spouses begin to hide sorrows and joys of a personal nature, not to be interested in the problems of a companion. In the end, a neighbor in bed is perceived as an addition, moreover, an annoying one that excuses, for example, financial wealth, small children, or the fear of losing the status of a family person.
Some Secrets of Happy Marriages
Below we will provide some tips that will open the answer to the question of how to strengthen relationships in marriage:
Arrange crazy dates, for example, make an appointment for a couples tango course, go to the mountains, visit an amusement park, after all. positive origin will saturate the brain with the hormone of pleasure.
Laugh together, even at yourself, at the movie, at the funny moments that you might have had before;
Just one question every day: "How was your day?". This question is banal, but it can provide an increase in affection in a couple.
Compromise with the help of a decisive "we" can be achieved in any dispute. Express your feelings with the pronoun "we" and the path to peaceful tranquility has been found.
Partner, for example, smile at any event that makes your soul mate smile, and then offer to celebrate success with a joint trip to a cafe, bowling, etc. Do it, even if deep down you are not quite ready to share his joy, a little effort will fill the void between you.
Now, knowing the many causes of problems in marriage, especially at a young age, which lead to the breakdown of relationships, you have the opportunity to save your own union.
