Marital problems, conflicts, divorces. The main types of violations of family relationships

A rare divorce does not result from marital conflict arising for various reasons. A conflict is a conscious clash, a confrontation between at least two people, groups, their mutually opposite, incompatible, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, types of behavior, relationships, attitudes that are essential for the individual and the group (s).

Marital conflict is a rather complex phenomenon, covering different levels of interaction between spouses. The conflict itself cannot be assessed unequivocally only as a negative phenomenon in family life. The role of the conflict is largely determined by the family microclimate, the general background of communication, mutual satisfaction, and the degree of emotional attachment of the spouses.

Family conflicts are divided into constructive and destructive. In a constructive conflict, as a result of a collision of different opinions, assessments, a mutually acceptable solution to the issue arises, a feeling of satisfaction is born, tension and irritation are reduced. In the case of a destructive conflict, dissatisfaction arises with the outcome of the interaction, which is usually not associated with finding a mutually acceptable solution to the problem, there remains a feeling of the inevitability of new similar collisions, emotional stress, irritation, annoyance.

Significant in the emergence of the conflict are the expectations that people have formed at the time of marriage in relation to their future family, inclinations, personal characteristics, the specifics of the socio-cultural environment of their upbringing.

Specialists in the problems of family psychology point to the following areas of family life, most often acting as sources of marital conflicts: 1) problems in relationships with relatives and friends; 2) issues related to the upbringing of children; 3) manifestation by the spouses of the desire for autonomy; 4) situations of violation of role expectations; 5) situations of mismatch of norms of behavior; 6) manifestation of the desire for dominance, power; 7) manifestation of jealousy; 8) differences in relation to money.

In a study by O. E. Zuskova and V. P. Levkovich (1987), the following sources of conflicts in marital interaction were identified:

1) Systematic violation of family communication ethics by spouses, low communication culture (carelessness, rudeness, sarcasm, etc.)

2) Insufficient satisfaction of the need to protect the "I-concept" in the process of marital interaction. The stability of the "I-concept" is supported, in particular, by the constancy of the forms of communication expected from the social environment. Support, mutual understanding, emotional comfort contributes to the awareness of the significance and value of one's "I", the preservation of one's own dignity;

3) Differences in the views of the spouses on the distribution of family roles, on their implementation. Particularly acute conflict may occur due to a divergence in the idea of family leadership;

4) Features of interaction associated with mutual awareness of various aspects of life and personal characteristics of the spouses. The unwillingness of the spouses to inform each other about their affairs, intentions, the desire to withhold some information gives rise to suspicion, mutual distrust, emotional tension;

5) Conflict in the family is associated with the peculiarities of the moral motivation of the spouses: the higher the level of moral motivation of the spouses, the lower the level of conflict in the family. The motivational structure of the highest type is characterized by the predominance of a person's focus on self-esteem as the leading motive of behavior (instead of focusing on the assessment of others). Spouses with a high level of moral motivation are largely aware of themselves as subjects of their own activities, guided in their actions by conscience as the main regulator of behavior.

The stability of a marriage depends not only on the satisfaction of the material needs of the spouses, but also on the satisfaction of the emotional and psychological needs. Each spouse must satisfy their need for positive emotional feelings. Marriage is stable only when none of the spouses does not experience feelings of alienation and mental loneliness.

As factors preventing the emergence and development of destructive conflicts in marriage and family relations, first of all, we can name the increase in the level of communicative competence of spouses, which is associated, first of all, with a change in attitude to the outside world, to people, to oneself. No less important is the mastery of the spouses with a special system of practical methods of conflict-free communication. The success of family relations is also largely determined by the formation of an individual style of marital interaction, including the nature of communication, methods of contact with others, ways to overcome disagreements, and the psychological microclimate of the family.

Researchers of family relations have come to the conclusion that a crisis-free development of the family is impossible, but not all reasons lead to destruction. Factors that can destroy a marriage include:

1. Overload and physical exhaustion. Therein lies a serious danger. This is especially true for those young people who have just started their professional or academic career. It is dangerous to try to pay attention to everything at once: study at the institute, work full time, raise children, equip life and do business. Often young couples do just that. As a result of moral and physical strength begins to lack. The situation is most fraught with conflicts if the spouse is busy at work, and the spouse devotes herself to raising children and maintaining a home. Initially, resentment and bitterness accumulate, which subsequently leads to conflicts.

2. Abuse of credit and quarrels about spending money.

3. Selfishness.

4. Intervention of parents. Some parents find it difficult to imagine that their children are adults, independent people, and if they live nearby, they often interfere in the lives of young people, undermining their relationships.

5. Unrealistic expectations. Some people on the verge of marriage expect something truly extraordinary: an undisturbed idyll. Inevitable disappointment is an emotional trap.

6. Drunkenness and drugs. They kill not only marriages, but also people.

7. Everything that, as it were, "illegally" is introduced into the relationship of the spouses, is able to stand between the spouses (for example, jealousy, low self-esteem, etc.).

8. Pornography, gambling, all bad habits in general.

In addition, there are the following factors:

· Strengthening the economic independence and social equality of women;

liberalization of views on divorce;

liberation from class, racial and national prejudices;

increase in life expectancy;

Decreased influence of parents on the choice of spouses;

Inadequate motivation for marriage of one or both partners.

The process of family disintegration begins long before the official dissolution of marriage. This period is called the pre-divorce situation. Relationships in the family during this period are characterized by high psychological tension and dysfunction, which can accompany former spouses and their children for a very long time.

Schneider identifies the following main causes of divorce (as a percentage of the number of people of different ages surveyed):

· material, domestic problems - 55;

drunkenness of one of the spouses - 39;

· weakening the value of the family for the current generation - 27;

· adultery - 19;

psychological incompatibility - 17;

monotony and boredom of family life - 12;

new love - 11;

absence of children - 7;

other - 2;

Difficult to answer - 6.

An important condition of the study is the principle of non-identity of the motives of divorce to its causes. Most often, the following motives for divorce are distinguished: lack of common views and interests (including religious differences), inconsistency (incompatibility) of characters, violation of marital fidelity, absence or loss of a sense of love, love for another, frivolous attitude to marital duties, bad relations with parents (intervention of parents and other relatives), drunkenness (alcoholism) of the spouse, lack of normal living conditions, sexual dissatisfaction.

The motive for divorce is understood as the rationale for the decision that the needs of marriage cannot be satisfied in this marriage union.

At the level of everyday consciousness, it is difficult to assess the totality of all the reasons that led to a divorce; attention is often fixed on the most obvious, such as drunkenness or adultery. Frequently used motives make it possible to get away from explaining the reasons (mismatch of characters, poor living conditions). Former spouses justify the decision to dissolve the marriage in different ways. The motive "violation of adultery" is put forward by 51% of men and only 28% of women, this confirms the well-known observation that men have a sharply negative attitude towards the fact of female infidelity; 44.3% of women and only 10.6% of men explain the divorce as “drunken spouse”.

The choice of areas of work to prevent divorce directly depends on the causes leading to this phenomenon. After all, it is by eradicating the causes and motives that destroy the family that we can talk about strengthening marriage.

American researchers V. Mathews and K. Mikhanovich identify the 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions.

It turned out that in unhappy families, spouses:
- do not think alike on many issues and problems;
- Poor understanding of the feelings of others
- say words that irritate another;
- often feel unloved;
- do not pay attention to the other;
- have an unsatisfied need for trust;
- feel the need for a person who can be trusted;
- Rarely compliment each other
- often forced to give in to the opinion of another;
- want more love.

S. V. Kovalev (1989) argues that, according to many psychologists, a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions is necessary for the happiness of a family:
- normal conflict-free communication;
- trust and empathy;
- understanding each other;
- normal intimate life;
- the presence of the House.

V. A. Sysenko (1989) divides all relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem families.

Conflict marital unions include those in which there are areas between spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly clash, giving rise to particularly strong and prolonged negative emotions.

To crisis ones - those where the opposition of the interests and needs of the spouses is especially sharp and captures important areas of the family's life.

Problematic marital unions - those that are faced with particularly difficult life situations that can cause a significant blow to the stability of marriage: lack of housing and a prolonged illness of one of the spouses, a long-term conviction, etc. However, the objective circumstances of a family's life affect its well-being only through their subjective assessment by spouses. In special medical literature, there is the concept of "neurotic family", used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from certain neuroses, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on marital relationships.

From other sources.

Marital conflicts.

The conflict is:
- a bipolar phenomenon (confrontation of two principles), manifesting itself in the activity of the parties, aimed at overcoming contradictions,
- one of the forms of normal human interaction, does not always lead to destruction,
- an incentive to change, this is a challenge that requires a creative response,
- a conscious clash, a confrontation between at least two people, their mutually opposite, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, attitudes that are essential for the individual.

M. Deutsch singled out the types of conflicts:

1. Genuine conflict - existing objectively and perceived adequately (the wife wants to use the spare room as a closet, and the husband as a darkroom).

2. Random, or conditional conflict - can be easily resolved, although this is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still an area).

3. Displaced conflict - when something completely different is hidden behind the “obvious” conflict (arguing over a free room, the spouses are actually in conflict over ideas about the role of a wife in the family).

4. Incorrectly attributed conflict - when, for example, a wife scolds her husband for what he did, following her own order, which she had already completely forgotten about.

5. Latent (hidden) conflict - is based on a contradiction unconscious by the spouses, which nevertheless objectively exists.

6. False conflict - exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.

In the course of the conflict, as a process, there are four main stages (K.Vitek, G.A. Navaitis):
- the emergence of an objective conflict situation
- awareness of the objective conflict situation
- transition to conflict behavior
- conflict resolution

The conflict becomes a reality only after the recognition of the contradictions, since only the perception of the situation as a conflict generates the appropriate behavior (it follows that the contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving one's goals, and blocking the achievement by the opposite side of its aspirations and intentions. It is essential that the actions of the opponent should also be perceived by him as a conflict. There are two possible ways to resolve the conflict: changing the objective conflict situation and transforming its "images", ideas about the essence and nature of the conflict that the opponent has.

Typical patterns of behavior of spouses in interpersonal, intra-family conflicts (V.A. Kan-Kalik, 1995):

1. the desire of the husband and wife to assert themselves in the family, for example, in the role of the head. Often, “good” advice from parents plays a negative role here.

2. The focus of the spouses on their affairs. A typical "trail" of the former way of life, habits, friends, unwillingness to give up something from one's past life.

3. didactic. One spouse constantly teaches the other: how to behave, how to live, etc.

4. "Ready for battle." Spouses are constantly in a state of tension associated with the need to constantly repel attacks: in whose mind the inevitability of quarrels has strengthened, intra-family behavior is built as a struggle for victory in the conflict.

5. "daddy's daughter", "sissy". In the process of establishing relationships, parents constantly intervene in their clarification.

6. concern. Lack of positive experiences in family relationships.

Typical causes of conflicts in marital relationships.

According to research conducted in the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation by specialists from the Main Directorate of Educational Work, 11% of professional military personnel are not satisfied with their family relationships, and 89% of the surveyed military personnel cannot say with certainty that there are no conflicts in their families. Family troubles accounted for 45% of military suicides in 2002.

The image of a family without conflict is ideal, but, perhaps, in modern conditions it is almost impossible. According to K. Vitek, only 15-18% of marriages can be called ideal, when the spouses experience a feeling of complete satisfaction and well-being.

In the structure of family conflicts, the subjects of interaction can be distinguished in the nuclear family: marital conflicts, parent-child conflicts, sibling conflicts; in the extended family: conflicts of the spouse (s) with their parents, conflicts of the spouse (s) with the spouse's parents, conflicts of children with grandparents, conflicts of family members with other relatives.

By marital conflict, we understand the contradiction of interpersonal relations between spouses, that is, mismatch, opposition, exacerbation of attitudes, expectations, ideas, orientations relative to each other, or the perception of such by each of the spouses.

By levels, the causes of marital conflicts can be divided into two large groups:

Objective (due to the natural dynamics of the family and socio-cultural)
The objective causes of marital conflicts can be: the circumstances of social interaction of people that led to a clash of their interests, opinions, attitudes; factors affecting the family from the outside and regardless of its characteristics (the level of well-being of society, the state of education and culture, traditions and customs); problems arising from the natural dynamics of the family. Objective reasons create a pre-conflict situation and are an objective component of a pre-conflict situation for spouses.

Subjective (psychological and socio-psychological).
The subjective causes of marital conflict can be: personal (individual-psychological) characteristics of the spouses; interpersonal (socio-psychological), due to the direct interaction of the spouses.

Foreign experts identify the following main causes of marital conflicts:

1. The degree of satisfaction with the basic needs of each spouse (the need for sex and security) (K. Levin, 2001).

2. The presence of pathological personality traits in spouses: the intensity of their manifestation, the impact on the personality of the spouse and, in interpersonal interaction, on the personality of the partner (S. Kratochvil, 1991).

3. The size of the space of free movement of the spouses. Its limitation increases the tension of relations (K. Levin, 2001).

4. Violation of emotional relationships: sensual discord of spouses, sensual alienation (Fanta, 1972), loss of mutual love, differences in manifestations of tenderness and feelings (S. Kratochvil, 1991), disappearance of romantic moods (Plzak, 1973).

5. Inconsistency of goals, expectations of the spouses: the goals of the spouses contradict each other and they are not ready to accept the position of the other (K. Vitek, 1988; K. Levin, 2001; S. Kratochvil, 1991); unfulfilled expectations in marriage (S. Kratochvil, 1991).

6. Contacts of one of the spouses with children from a previous marriage, their material support (S.Kratohvil, 1991).

7. Permeability of boundaries between different subsystems of the family organism (marital subsystem, parental subsystem, sibling subsystem). Boundaries represent the rules of interaction that regulate the conditions and behavior of each of the family members involved in this interaction (S. Minukhin, 1998).

8. Problems of the division of power and roles in the family: changes in the structure and balance of power in the family (Jay Haley, 1991); marital roles are not clearly defined, communication between spouses is sluggish, interaction is difficult (K. Whitaker, 1997; V. Satir, 1992, 1999); violation of the compatibility of roles (S. Kratochvil, 1991).

9. Problems associated with the peculiarities of the stages of development of marital relations (early marriages, menopause, leaving children from the family) (S. Kratokhvil, 1991).

10. Internal problems of a married couple (lack of sexual harmony, disagreements about raising children, disagreement between spouses' points of view on the distribution of household duties, encroachment on a spouse's free time) (Barczewski, 1977; K. Vitek, 1988; S. Kratochvil, 1991).

11. Negative family relationships in previous generations that affect the perception of current interaction (representatives of transgenerational family psychotherapy) and negative models of parental marriage (S. Kratochvil, 1991).

12. Infrequent positive reinforcement by family members of each other (that is, insufficient punishment for unwanted behavior) (behavioral therapy).

13. External barriers: objective circumstances that prevent spouses from getting out of the situation (obligations, functional duties) (K. Levin, 2001), external stressors (loss of work) (S. Minukhin, 1998).

14. Cohabitation of spouses with parents: negative interference of the spouse's parents in the nature of their relationship, preference for communication with parents over relations with the spouse (Knox, 1971), unwillingness to visit the spouse's parents (S. Kratochvil, 1991).

15. Negative attitude towards spouse's friends (Knox, 1971).

16. Extramarital contacts and connections (Plzak, 1973), "sexual adventures" (Muldworf, 1973).

Domestic psychologists believe that, along with the peculiarities, when analyzing the causes of marital conflicts, it is necessary to take into account the different levels of interaction between spouses (V.P. Levkovich, 1985) or areas of disagreement between spouses (V.A. Sysenko). According to V.P. Levkovich, the conflict can manifest itself at the level of relations between spouses (hidden conflict), then the conflict affects the sphere of communication (verbal and non-verbal), the highest manifestation is the behavioral sphere (open stage of the conflict). VA Sysenko defines the following areas of disagreement between the spouses: the sexual and erotic sphere; satisfaction of personal needs; communication of spouses; family and household sphere; raising and caring for children; recreation and leisure of spouses.

The causes of marital conflicts are closely related to developmental crises (VK Myager, 1978). These periods are due to a change in the structure of the family, the balance of power in it, the redistribution of the functions of the spouses, and adaptation to new family roles. As a rule, these periods are associated with: the first year of marriage; pregnancy and the birth of the first child; family breakdown due to divorce; the departure of children from the family; the appearance in the family of non-native children or sick parents; loss of a spouse or family member; long absence of a spouse (military service, long business trip).

The main causes of marital conflicts in domestic approaches:

1. Dissatisfaction with the need for the value and significance of their "I" of the spouses (V.P. Levkovich, O.E. Zuskova, 1985; V.A. Sysenko, 1989).

2. Mental tension based on unsatisfied sexual needs of spouses (V.A. Sysenko, 1989).

3. Mismatch of role expectations and role behavior of spouses (V.P. Levkovich, O.E. Zuskova, 1985; A.G. Kharchev, M.S. Matskovskaya, 1978; S.S. Liebikh, 1979).

4. Insufficient understanding of each other by spouses, lack of positive emotions, care, understanding, affection (V.M. Volovik, 1980; V.A. Sysenko, 1989; V.L. Shenderova, 1972).

5. Addiction of one of the spouses to alcohol, gambling (V.A. Sysenko, 1989).

6. Financial disagreements based on the exaggerated needs of the spouses (VA Sysenko, 1989).

7. Dissatisfaction with the need for food, clothing, home improvement, personal expenses (V.A. Sysenko, 1989).

8. Lack of mutual assistance, mutual support, irrational division of domestic labor, inconsistency of views on the upbringing of children (V.A. Sysenko, 1989; S.G. Shuman, 1989).

9. Inconsistency of views of the spouses on the organization of recreation, leisure (V.P. Levkovich, O.E. Zuskova, 1985; V.A. Sysenko, 1989).

Based on the analysis of these reasons, we have identified seven functional areas of manifestation of marital conflicts (A.N. Kharitonov, 2000): sexual and erotic, value-oriented, emotional and psychological, reproductive and educational, material and household, cultural and leisure and family health. The marital conflict that arose on the basis of the dissatisfaction of needs in one of these areas, spreads to the rest and ultimately violates the nature of the development of relations between spouses. Conceptually, we consider the identification of the dominant unmet need of one of the spouses, his awareness of the cause of the conflict in order to harmonize family relations.

Conflict resolution tactics.

V.A. Sysenko:

1. maintain a sense of personal dignity of the husband and wife.

2. constantly demonstrate mutual respect and reverence.

3. try to arouse enthusiasm in the other spouse, restrain and pacify the manifestation of anger and anger in oneself.

4. do not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner.

5. do not blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular.

6. With a joke or any distraction, remove or suspend the growing mental stress.

7. do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and treason, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy.

Dean Delis:

1. Blame the situation, not each other.

2. you should empathize with your spouse.

3. Negotiate to restore balance, avoiding vague insincerity.

Divorce

Divorce is a break in relations in legal, economic, psychological terms, which entails the reorganization of the life of both spouses.

Divorce is a change in the balance of power that sustains and destroys a marriage.
- Supporting - moral and psychological interest in each other, satisfaction with marriage and family relations, social norms, values and sanctions.
- Destructive - a manifestation of mutual discontent and strife, antipathy, irritation, hatred.

A. Maslow's dialectical model of the divorce process:

1. Emotional divorce - the destruction of illusions in married life, feelings of dissatisfaction, alienation of spouses, fear and despair, disputes, the desire to avoid problems.

2. The time of reflection and despair before a divorce - the period is accompanied by pain and despair, anger and fear, contradictory words and actions, a feeling of emptiness and chaos. At the cognitive-behavioral level, denial of the existing situation, physical and emotional retreat are characteristic. Efforts are being made to make things right again.

3. legal divorce - registration of a break in relations occurs at a formal level. The abandoned spouse feels self-pity, helplessness.

4. Economic divorce - can cause either spouse confusion, violent anger or sadness "Life is ruined, what does money matter."

5. Establishing a balance between parental responsibilities and the right to custody. The abandoned spouse experiences loneliness, seeks advice from relatives and friends.

6. Time of self-examination and return to balance after divorce. Behavior takes on a new direction. Activity appears, a new lifestyle stabilizes, new responsibilities are formed.

7. Psychological divorce. - on an emotional level - it is readiness for action, self-confidence, self-worth, the search for new objects of love and readiness for new long-term relationships.

Reasons for divorce.

Infidelity

In many countries, adultery is a sufficient reason and one of the most common motives for divorce. In our country, about a quarter of all causes of divorce are related to adultery.

Love = family, if treason, then the opposite of love, therefore against marriage.

The motive of "treason"
- conflict,
- troubled families
- with critical, practically destroyed relations of spouses.
- immaturity, frivolity of spouses,
- misunderstanding of family values and such a concept as “the sacredness of family ties”.
- ethical education and general culture of people.

In addition, marital fidelity largely depends on premarital behavior: men and women who have had premarital sex are more likely to break the vow of marital fidelity. This is due to the fact that early sexual experience, most likely not based on true love, reduces the assessment of sexual relations and a sense of duty, obligations towards another partner. A sense of marital duty is a person's awareness of his obligations to a marriage partner, the identification of his personal interests with the interests of the family.

There is an opinion that betrayal, a casual relationship makes a person realize that there was love in the family.

According to some studies, 75% of men do not find what they expected in a casual partner and begin to appreciate their wife more. Among unfaithful wives, the number of those who experienced nothing but disappointment and remorse turned out to be even more than 90%. The spouse realizes that he made a terrible mistake, that he betrayed a loved one and will continue to value his hearth.

Cheating destroys a family, no matter who cheated, husband or wife. In modern research, attempts are being made to analyze the causes of adultery. Here is one of the classifications:

1. New love. This reason for adultery is typical for marriages where love was insignificant or completely absent (rational or forced marriages based on profit, fear of loneliness).
2. Retribution. With the help of treason, the desire to avenge the infidelity of the spouse is realized in order to restore self-esteem.
3. Scolded love. There is no reciprocity in marriage. One of the spouses suffers from rejection of his love, unrequited feelings. This prompts to quench the feeling in another partnership where reciprocity is possible.
4. The search for new love experiences, as a rule, is typical for spouses with significant experience, when feelings have faded. Or in families with such norms, when everything possible is taken from life. An option may be to imitate the “beautiful life” of foreign models, sexual freedom.
5. The total collapse of the family. Cheating here is actually the result of creating a new family, when the first family is perceived as unviable.
6. Casual relationship, when betrayal is not characterized by regularity and deep love experiences. Usually it is provoked by certain circumstances (persistence of the “partner”, “opportunity”, etc.). Connivance, hopelessness or intransigence are extremes in the perception of adultery. Before drawing conclusions, it is necessary to carefully, and if possible, objectively look at the situation of treason. If this is a mistake of a person, even a cruel one, one must be able to forgive it (by the way, wives forgive more often, and husbands more often initiate divorce cases because of the infidelity of their wife). If the betrayal is caused by distorted relationships in the family, they need to be sorted out. Those. in any case, you need to look for reasons, and not blame others.

Other reasons for divorce

1. There is an increase in the percentage of divorces due to the rudeness of the spouse, alcoholism, psychological incompatibility. Apparently, this happens because with the growth of the cultural level of a modern person, an increase in the culture of interpersonal communication, respect for the individual, etc. cases of rudeness, psychological incompatibility, and even more drunkenness began to be felt more strongly and become a fairly good reason for divorce.

2. The vague and vague wording “They didn’t get along” is used by young spouses who decide to dissolve their marriage due to problems in their intimate life.

According to sociologists, it is often because of dissatisfaction in intimate life that divorces occur. Sometimes disharmony in intimate relationships is not clearly expressed, but it is also undesirable, because vague dissatisfaction gives rise to irritation, depression, and destroys joy.

The opinion that physical attractiveness is not necessary, that it is always possible to realize a physiological need only on the basis of sexual desire, is erroneous. Spouses must be sure that they like each other, that they both strive for intimacy that will bring them complete satisfaction.

3. Expecting a child is a real test for love, and his birth is a test of the strength of family ties. Quite a few marriages break up in the very first year after the birth of a child, breaks up at the initiative of men who cannot stand the test of fatherhood. More precisely, men, whose selfishness turned out to be stronger than all other feelings.

A young husband after the birth of a baby has no right to withdraw from caring for him, but must help his wife in her endless worries about the child. By entrusting all the care of the little one to his wife alone, the husband himself does not give her the opportunity to do anything else, including the house and himself. In such a situation in the family, discomfort inevitably arises. The husband begins to feel superfluous, unnecessary, unloved, not suspecting that he himself is completely guilty of this.

Consequences of divorce.

In one of the studies by foreign sociologists on the issue of the consequences of divorce for children, three groups of children were compared: from happy, unhappy, and from divorced families. By all criteria, children from happy families were in a better position. However, when comparing children from the other two groups, it turned out that adolescents from divorced families had fewer mental illnesses, they were less likely to commit offenses, they had better relationships with at least one of their parents.

According to a number of other indicators (relationships at school, disposition to bad company), the children of these two groups did not differ significantly, but differed greatly from children living in happy families. A comparison was also made of a number of socio-psychological characteristics of children living in families where the mother remarried after a divorce, and in families where the child lived only with his mother. At the same time, it was found that the “mother-child” relationship is better in families where the child was brought up only by the mother.

Children of divorced spouses are more prone to mental illness.

According to Landis (1960), the impact of divorce on a child's psyche depends on a number of factors:
- the subjective idea of the child about the happiness of the family immediately before the divorce;
- age of the child and mother;
- the degree of manifestation of negative norms in relation to divorce in the social group to which the family belongs;
- the ability of the remaining spouse to cope with their anxiety and provide a safe environment for the child.

Before the age of 3, divorce has less effect on the child than at older ages. The probability of remarriage of a divorced spouse is inversely proportional to the number of children remaining with him.

Significantly negative impact of divorce on the birth rate. In a number of cases, a woman remains single after a divorce, and on the eve of a divorce, she refrains from having children. With the increase in the number of divorces, the number of people who do not want to remarry after a divorce has increased.

The rise in divorce rates is causing many couples and their children to experience deeply the family dysfunction that usually accompanies divorce.

Divorce also has a severe effect on the morale of children.
- Preschoolers usually feel fear, self-doubt and feel guilty for their parents' divorce.
- Older children express their irritation more directly. Most children settle down within a year or two of a divorce, although some of them feel unhappy and lonely for up to 5 years after a divorce or even longer, even if the parent they live with remarries.

The next direction of the influence of divorces on the effectiveness of the functioning of the institution of marriage is that the prospect of divorce, or rather the fear that the husband (wife) will use the right to divorce at the first more or less serious conflict, one way or another affects the behavior of each of the spouses and their relationship to their family roles, on mutual assessments and self-assessments, on family planning, at least until both the husband and wife have a sense of the stability of their family, and, consequently, orientation not only to today and tomorrow but also for the relatively distant future.

Divorces increase the number of incomplete families. They create a specific system of relations between mother and child, patterns of behavior are formed, which in some respects represent an alternative to the norms and values on which the institution of marriage is based.

Divorce also affects the divorcing spouses themselves.
Quite often there is a kind of shock with shame and self-pity. Divorced people try to rationalize the situation and prove that they are indifferent to the problems that have arisen.
- A very common feeling of restlessness, impatience, coming from broken habits and the loss of familiar roles. A divorced spouse often tries to increase their social activity. Friends and relatives usually help him in establishing new contacts.
- Quite often, after a divorce, a person begins to behave contrary to generally accepted norms, trying to satisfy his grief in drunkenness or compensate for the loss of a family by increasing the frequency of sexual contacts.
- The facts of mutually exclusive attitudes towards their ex-spouse, alternation of manifestations of hatred and love are noted. Therefore, sometimes sexual intimacy between ex-husband and wife persists for some time after divorce.

Long-term effects of divorce.

Of course, the experiences of children that they experience when their parents divorce are diverse and depend on many factors that increase or alleviate their difficulties. The list of all possible factors is very long, but the most important of them can be listed.

These include
- relationships with parents, remarriages of parents, stepfathers with stepmothers, - conflicts of parents before and after divorce,
- health and psychological difficulties, financial and domestic problems,
- changing of the living place,
- Age of children at divorce
- the quality of the marital relationship that existed before him and the individual characteristics of the children.

Psychologists studying the influence of these factors have come to the general conclusion that the adverse effects of parental divorce on children are more pronounced and lasting in cases where conflicts between parents continue after a divorce, when the child’s relationship with one of the parents is bad or even interrupted when the divorce occurred before the child was five years old, as well as in cases of remarriage of former spouses, especially when it was concluded immediately after the divorce.

All the factors that exacerbate the difficulties of parents - very poor housing conditions, economic problems, frequent changes of residence, poor physical and mental health - have a very adverse effect on children.

And the consequences of this can be very different.

1. Children may develop some psychiatric problems. It is known that children, at least at first, are very upset by divorce. After a divorce, children may experience deviations in behavior, constantly depressed mood, and breakdowns.

2. Childhood separation of parents predisposes to depression in adulthood. But, in general, studies show that the relationship between parental divorce and psychiatric problems in adulthood is very small.

3. Another thing is the impact of parents' divorce on the married life of children (when they become adults).

Large-scale population studies in several countries support the conclusion that, as adults, the children of divorced parents will divorce themselves. This pattern is more pronounced in women than in men. A clear explanation for this phenomenon has not yet been found, but some scientists believe that people whose parents have separated believe that there are not so many mutual obligations in marriage. But even here a lot depends on the individual characteristics of people. Although, the factor of introducing the relationship style that exists in the parental family into subsequent relationships in one's own family is undoubtedly present.

DIVORCE

“All happy families are equally happy.
Every unfortunate family
unhappy in its own way"
Lev Tolstoy

Family life is not always a source of joy. It cannot always proceed evenly and smoothly; there are many family difficulties. Unfortunately, not every family can cope with them. Sometimes the "family ship" cracks and goes to the bottom, not yet having gone on a honeymoon trip.
The psychological reasons for divorce, as a rule, are somehow connected with the feeling of one or both spouses that personal happiness and love in this marriage are impossible for a number of reasons, and nothing can be changed, even if you try very hard.

However, the decision to divorce a husband or wife makes it difficult for several reasons:

fear of condemnation of relatives, friends, others;

belief that children need both parents;

fear of impending loneliness, especially in old age;

collapse of financial well-being;

age barriers, etc.

The spouses see the only way out of the impasse in the upcoming divorce.

Divorce is the termination of a marriage during the life of the spouses.

Various opinion polls have shown that any divorce, even a desired one, causes serious psychological trauma to both spouses to one degree or another. The problems facing divorcees relate to such aspects of life as the division of property, the creation of new relationships with friends and relatives, with children, the formation of a new attitude to life, if necessary, finding a job.

The main reasons for divorce are:

Protracted marital conflicts.

Dissatisfaction with the distribution of marital roles and responsibilities.

Material and domestic problems.

Drunkenness of one of the spouses. Quite often, husbands are very negative about their wife's drinking, although the woman herself believes that she does not drink. It all depends on the criterion of the amount drunk by both the woman and the husband. They may differ significantly. This also applies to a husband who believes that he drinks very little, and a woman believes that her husband is close to alcoholism.

Marital infidelity (treason). It is interesting that a woman sometimes herself voices that she allows her husband to cheat and tells him about it, but this is possible only in isolated cases. In fact, it gives the go-ahead for one-time betrayals. Tellingly, when cheating, neither a man nor a woman often takes off their wedding rings, which are a symbol of fidelity and love of a husband and wife and were dressed in a solemn atmosphere on the wedding day.

Jealousy, if it is pathological.

Physical and psychological abuse by the husband.

Problems in the sexual sphere. This is one of the main reasons for divorce.

New love.

Psychological incompatibility. Spouses have different temperaments.

A large age difference between spouses of 10 years or more.

Cooling down in emotional relationships.

Monotony and boredom of family life.

Incompatibility of the level of spirituality and culture.

Childless marriage (infertility of one of the spouses, inability to have children)

depressive disorder. With a depressive disorder, at least one of the spouses divorces occur 10 times more often. than in ordinary families.

The impact of difficult life situations on the family affects different areas of its life and leads to a violation of its functions: educational, household, sexual and erotic, etc. These violations inevitably affect the well-being of family members, do not allow them to satisfy their needs, cause a state of internal tension and discomfort, serve as a source of somatic, neuropsychic and behavioral disorders, hinder the development of personality.

The likelihood of the breakdown of family relationships can be increased by the following factors:

conflict relations (divorce) of the parents of one of the spouses;

cohabitation with the parents of one of the spouses in their living space;

parents turn spouses against each other;

high personal conflict of one of the spouses;

unequal level of education and social status of spouses;

infidelity, sexual dissatisfaction in marriage;

obsessive jealousy on the part of one of the spouses;

problems associated with spending money;

premarital pregnancy;

somatic or mental illness of one of the spouses;

chronic disease in a child (disability, mental retardation).

There are several phases of the breakdown of emotional relationships:

awareness of dissatisfaction;

expression of dissatisfaction;

negotiation;

making decisions;

relationship transformation.

The divorce process itself is divided into three periods:

1. Pre-divorce period.

2. Divorce period.

3. Post-divorce period.

In the pre-divorce period, the leaving partner goes through 4 stages of reaction to the situation:

protest - ineffective attempts to avoid divorce;

despair - with depression and self-accusations;

denial - with the devaluation of their marriage and partner;

reconciliation with the situation - with getting rid of the feeling of injustice and a realistic vision of the situation.

1. There are the following strategies for the behavior of one of the spouses in a pre-divorce situation:

Various attempts are being made to return the spouse at any cost.

There is a search for any options for establishing relations.

Acceptance of reality as it is.

2. During the divorce period, spouses may experience various emotions and severe stress, which include anger and sadness, fear, feelings of guilt and a desire to take revenge on the former spouse. If the decision to divorce was made unilaterally, then the partner blames the initiator of the divorce, feels a sense of impotent rage or helplessness, rejection and loss. The content of disputes can be material and parental problems that spouses cannot solve rationally because of their psychological state and the emotional component of interpersonal conflict.

The abandoned partner has a problem: “How to live on and whether to live at all?” This situation is fraught with suicidal behavior.

3. In the post-divorce period, it is possible to fix neurotic and depressive reactions, especially in an elderly woman with children. In the case of forced cohabitation after a divorce in the same apartment or the ex-wife's obstacles to meeting the father with the children, the conflict situation continues.

Consequences of divorce

As a rule, divorce gives rise to new difficulties - sleepless nights, a feeling of loneliness, anxiety for the future of children left without one of their parents.

It used to be that a woman is going through a divorce harder than a man, because. this is due to financial difficulties, raising children, limited opportunities to create a new family, etc. When working with divorced couples, psychologists came to the conclusion that a man needs a marriage union no less than a woman, because. his dissatisfaction with loneliness is even more acute and prolonged.

Women perceive the emotional difficulties of divorce more intensely, but they are more likely to come to a psychological balance.

At the same time, tears of despair and outbursts of impotent rage may occur.

A man experiences long-term dissatisfaction. Added to this is the limited ability to see children.

The degree of experience of divorced spouses depends on the unexpectedness of the divorce. The one who was asked to get a divorce gets the most trauma.

Older people with a long history of family life are more traumatized than younger ones.

Divorced men have higher levels of alcoholism, physical illness, and depression, which are sometimes the result of life changes after divorce. Many women start drinking after an emotional loss. There is even such expression "widow's alcoholism".

In a divorce, children who remain with one of the parents suffer, or parents divide the children among themselves. One child lives with his mother, the other with his father. There may be situations when, after the divorce of parents, children have to live in new families, where either a new father (stepfather) or a new mother (stepmother) appears. Children adapt to new rules in the family, to a new person.

Loneliness

The consequence of divorce can be a feeling of loneliness and the conflicting feelings that accompany it: indecision, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement.

Lonely people are often depressed, insecure, passive, dissatisfied with themselves. They are convinced of their unattractiveness and other qualities that exclude the possibility for them to establish friendships or love relationships.

For some, however, divorce is a welcome relief that brings freedom from restrictions, obligations, and mental turmoil.

Emotions and divorce

Emotions and feelings that men and women most often experience during the divorce process:

Despair;

Loneliness;

Regret;

Depression;

depression;

The cause of sadness is disappointment caused by the collapse of hopes. Frustration sometimes leads to feelings of psychological isolation, loneliness, loss. It can be a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-esteem.

The emotion of sadness is experienced as sadness, despondency, blues. In sadness, a person feels darkness and emptiness around him. An intense experience of sadness causes pain to a person.

Sadness is characterized by the lowest level of tension. In moments of sadness, the muscles are sluggish and lifeless. There is an inexplicable heaviness in the whole body. There may be a dull, aching pain in the chest. The person wants to cry.

Anger often comes from disappointment. In anger, a person feels that his blood is “boiling”, his face is burning, his muscles are tense. In a situation of anger, a person experiences great stress. In anger, people clench their teeth and purse their lips.

An angry person's pulse can be 40 to 60 beats per minute higher than normal. The experience of anger is accompanied by a strong sense of impulsivity. Moderate anger gives a person strength, self-confidence. It is believed that if a person freely expresses his anger, talks about the reasons that caused it and allows the interlocutor to respond in kind, then he gets the opportunity to get to know his partner better and thereby only strengthens relations with him.

A person who constantly suppresses his anger, does not have the opportunity to adequately express it in behavior, is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. Diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, epilepsy, migraine and hypertension may occur.

Whatever the emotion experienced by a person - powerful or barely expressed - it always causes physiological changes in his body. If you experience anger, anxiety or depression for a long time, even if these emotions are mild, then a person is more likely to get sick.

The experience of emotion changes the level of electrical activity of the brain, controls the endocrine, circulatory and respiratory systems of the body.

Most divorcees deal with their problems a few years after the final breakup.

Bibliography

2. Kovpak D.V., Tretyak L.L. Depression, Diagnosis and Treatment. - St. Petersburg: Science and Technology, 2009. - 320s.

3. Malkina-Pykh I. G. Family therapy. – M.: Eksmo Publishing House, 2006. – 992 p.

How to survive adultery
And what are the reasons for the betrayal?

A woman must choose:
With a man that other women love
She will never be calm;
With a man that other women don't like
She will never be happy.
Anatole France

Treason can be compared to betrayal. And the one who was betrayed is very acutely experiencing this. No matter how harsh it sounds, sometimes the behavior of the person who was abandoned leads to treason. What leads to change? Why does this happen so often between a woman and a man? First of all, it is dissatisfaction with life and a marriage partner. In marriage, a person does not get what he would like to receive: warmth, care, love, peace, sexual satisfaction. This is the inability to listen and hear the other person. It is the unwillingness to compromise.

Constant mutual reproaches and conflicts, humiliation of the dignity of one of the partners can lead to treason. Most often this applies to sexual relations, because. between spouses, the fire of love gradually fades away and the very spark that is the catalyst for passion between partners does not slip. And the lack of passion, novelty in a relationship can lead to the betrayal of one of the partners in order to assert themselves outside the family. The fire of love is extinguished due to boredom and monotony in the family circle. The fact that a man and a woman are constantly together at work (common business) and at home can also lead to betrayal, all topics are discussed more than once, when each of the partners knows in advance which phrase will follow in a given situation. When a betrayal occurs, several questions arise "how to return a loved one?", And if there is no longer a chance to return a loved one, then the following question arises: "how to forget an ex-husband or ex-wife?" It would seem simple questions, but the answers to them for a long time cannot be found by those who have lost peace and tranquility, love and gratitude, support and reliability in their lives. But what is the reason for the change? Many women turn a blind eye to one-time betrayals of men, but these same one-time betrayals can give rise to strong feelings and the development of new relationships that can lead to a break in family relationships.

One-time betrayals are possible during long business trips of one of the spouses, when business trips last from several months to a year. Spending a vacation without a spouse in another city, night shifts, an office romance. Casual relationship while intoxicated, corporate parties. A meeting with former classmates, classmates, when during the meeting and memories, even after many years, long-forgotten feelings for “first love” can flare up with renewed vigor, especially if at present one of the spouses is not satisfied with marriage.

One of the reasons for infidelity is the alienation of a spouse. A woman who spends all her energy on work and household chores, raising children, especially in large families, feels like a driven horse by the end of the day and, as a rule, does not want anything.

A woman ceases to monitor her appearance. Can walk in untidy clothes, with dirty hair, dirty nails, dress in clothes that repel a man. Clothing that does not emphasize the femininity and attractiveness of a woman.

Women also suffer when a husband, having come home, wants nothing but watching programs on TV. This is most often associated with heavy workload. Especially when the husband works three jobs to provide for the family. And it turns out a vicious circle "home - work - home - work - home." Monotony, boredom, dullness.

And somewhere outside the family there is another more lively and charming image. A woman who tells a man "you are the best in the world" or a more attractive and gallant man who can say nice words: "you are a unique woman, the one and only", fulfill the desire of a woman and make some variety.

Another reason for infidelity may be a significant change in the appearance of a spouse or wife: a change in weight and figure in women, baldness in men, loose skin, poor hygiene on the part of a partner, any injury received during various catastrophes and accidents.

In the case of infidelity, both marital and parent-child relationships can be violated.

The worst thing is when children witness such scenes when, with the help of a child, one of the parents tries to influence the other. This situation is unbearable for a child. Especially when a child learns about the betrayal of his father or mother quite unexpectedly. In this case, the behavior of the child may be unpredictable. The child considers the betrayal of one of the parents as a betrayal in the first place, in relation to himself. When treason is exposed, everyone suffers. Treason is like a dagger plunged into the heart.

The first thing a person asks himself is why?

When a woman finds out about her husband's infidelity, for her it's like a bolt from the blue. Lightning that strikes her down. From that moment on, life turns into one continuous nightmare. The woman does not find a place for herself. Sleepless nights begin with tears that flow like a river. The woman roars like a beluga. A woman is often overwhelmed by jealousy. She is ready to tear apart her rival, wipe her off the face of the earth. During this period, the woman is in despair, not knowing what to do. How to save a family? How to keep a husband? How to forgive him and forget this fact? I want to forget everything like a terrible dream that will never happen again.

How does a woman or a man know about infidelity? This happens on an intuitive level, the husband and wife feel it too well during intimacy. SMS messages that spouses stumble upon, social networks in which a husband or wife sits, all kinds of women's forums, password cracking, correspondence that was not closed on time, and much more. After all this is revealed, a man or woman has an obsessive desire to be aware of this correspondence, to know everything about an opponent or rival, to fill his mind with distrust. Family life after infidelity changes dramatically for the worse.

A woman is completely at a loss when she has a long-awaited child, and her husband at this moment is cheating on her with another woman. For a woman, life is split into two parts: before infidelity and after infidelity. It is the loss of oneself as a woman, a wife. For a woman, this is real grief. After stormy scenes, emotional devastation sets in, which often leads to depression.

If the wife cheats, the husband also experiences strong negative feelings.

He looks like a wounded, angry beast that has destructive power. This is a humiliation of his manhood. And even if he does not say anything to his wife, this does not mean that he does not feel anything. He experiences this humiliation within himself.

You can forgive betrayal, but it is never forgotten. It's like a cup that has broken and been glued together, but the marks of the breaks, like scars on the body, remain for life.

So what leads to change?

A number of psychologists and psychotherapists have tried to answer this question in their research.

1. Individual characteristics of marriage partners:

Violation of the sex-role identity of a marriage partner, forcing you to prove your masculinity (femininity) by entering into as many sexual relationships as possible.

2. Macrosystem factors:

Marital incompatibility (primarily sexual). Here the inexperience of the wife as the sexual partner can affect;

Lack of emotional closeness between spouses;

Cooling feelings for each other;

Revenge of one partner to another for suffering;

Disappointment of spouses in each other;

Prolonged illness of one of the spouses;

wife's pregnancy. A man begins to perceive his wife as a mother.

3. The factors accompanying adultery include:

Ordinary marriage;

Alcoholism of one of the spouses;

A large age difference between spouses of 10 years or more;

Lack of joint leisure of spouses;

One of the partners has a lot of free time.

Unsatisfactory housing conditions, including living with other relatives of one of the spouses. So, for example, three families with children and elderly parents can live in a two-room apartment.

According to Zaslavskaya T.M. and Grishina V.A. There are seven fundamental reasons for cheating:

1. New love.

2. Retribution.

3. Scolded love.

4. Search for a new experience.

5. Replenishment.

6. The total collapse of the family.

7. Random connection.

Starshenbaum G.V. describes several types of personalities prone to treason. For men, this is the image of Don Juan, for women, the image of the Seductress. Both are always unsatisfied.

6 types of situations related to adultery are described.

1. Gambler (with a cycle: betrayal - discovery - repentance - forgiveness - betrayal).

2. Seeker of happiness.

3. Gone and unreleased. The mistress tries to take her husband away, informs his wife in the hope of a divorce, but the spouses unite against her.

4. Initiator of a new life. When a mature man is ready to leave his aging wife and children for a young mistress. If a man has a child on the side, he begins to rush between these two women and cannot decide for himself which of them to stay with. It happens that both women begin to put pressure on him or tear him out of their lives. And the man is left with nothing.

5. Housewife.

6. Solid player. A husband who carefully hides his love affairs.

There are several types of adultery:

1. Casual extramarital contact, which is of a short duration.

2. Extramarital affairs with greater duration and the occurrence of emotional attachment.

K. Botutin, referring to D. Moulton, writes that most of the betrayals in American families fall on the 14th year of family life, when the age of the spouses approaches forty.

Reaction to treason is of several types:

Aggression. Aggression can be directed at an opponent (rival), or at the spouse himself (auto-aggression).

Protection. The defensive reaction involves, in fact, a conditional divorce. When a spouse is given an ultimatum by a certain date to stop extramarital affairs.

Ignoring. They pretend that nothing happened, for the sake of saving the family. When a spouse is afraid to be alone, they create the image of a happy family among relatives and work colleagues. For the children.

If one of the spouses could not forgive the betrayal, then this most often leads to a divorce. All this leads to a sharp deterioration in mood, insomnia appears, eating behavior changes - appetite increases or decreases, various diseases appear against the background of psychological discomfort, a person either goes all to work or does nothing. Both spouses suffer and in the most acute period of life they seek help from someone who will help them cope with the devastating consequences of infidelity and divorce.

Most often, people who turn to a psychologist want to get an answer to painful questions: "How to keep a loved one, how to save a marriage, how to forget an ex-husband or ex-wife, girlfriend, first love?"

They ask for psychological help in case of a break with a loved one. And the main question, to which they cannot find an answer: "Why and for what?"

Bibliography

1. Andreeva T.V. Family psychology: Textbook. - St. Petersburg: Speech, 2005. - 244 p.

2. Olifirovich N.I., Zinkevich-Kuzemkina T.A., Velenta T.F. Psychology of family crises. - St. Petersburg: Speech, 2007. - 360 p.

3. Starshenbaum G.V. Sexual and family psychotherapy. – M.: Publishing House of the Higher School of Psychology, 2003. – 300 p.

Fragments from T.Andreeva's book "Family Psychology".

A survey of 266 American family counselors found that 9 out of 10 couples seeking help had communication difficulties.
The problems are as follows:
- communication difficulties - 86.6%; .:,
- problems related to children and their upbringing - 45.7%; .
- sexual problems - 43.7%;
- financial problems - 37.2%;
- leisure - 37.6%;
- relations with parents - 28.4%;
- adultery -26.6%;
- household - 16.7%;
- physical insults - 15.7%;
other problems - 8.0%.

From a letter to the Club: “We have two lonelinesses at home. When my son was growing up, my husband and I were united by concern for his studies and health. As soon as my son joined the army, we got a dog. Now she creates a family with us. And so we are both very lonely. We have nothing to talk about…"

Consequently, the role of marital communications, skills and communication culture is very important in marital relationships (cited in: Kovalev. V., 1988). V. Satir (1992) drew attention to illusions and traps in communication, often leading to conflicts.