What to do if your mother-in-law does not allow you to live. Attack, counterattack, peace: if the mother-in-law interferes with the family

“My mother-in-law doesn’t let us live in peace, she constantly finds fault, sticks her nose into things that aren’t her own. She thinks that I clean, cook, and raise her grandchildren poorly. But the most offensive thing is that she turns my husband against me. I regularly hear that I’m not a match for him.”

The problem of relations between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law has existed for centuries. As soon as the girl reaches adulthood, they begin to frighten her with a “terrible bloodthirsty mother-in-law.” And, it’s true, sometimes you come across such inadequate characters that it would be a sin not to make an action-packed film about them. But more often than not, both sides turn out to be good. In fact, any conflicts are easily explainable, and moreover, solvable.

What is the dispute about?

Quarrels usually begin immediately after the wedding. There is always a reason. What’s remarkable is that they are the same in all families. Among psychologists there is even a top 5 list of such reasons:

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Over time, verbal arguments lead to serious tension in the relationship. Ultimately, both women begin to harbor burning hatred and deepest resentment for each other. The husband also suffers, he is forced to constantly listen to complaints, demands to punish the offender, etc. His heart is torn, he cannot choose between his mother and his lover and often leaves the family.

Let's look at the problem deeper

Wars between wives and their husbands' mothers have been going on for a very long time. They even came up with their own interpretation of the words “daughter-in-law and “mother-in-law” (“who knows who” and “clotte the blood”). Why is this happening? Where does the mother-in-law's desire to destroy the family come from? Everything is very simple:

What can be done?

It is good if this question arises at the initial stage of conflicts. In this case, it is still very easy to change the situation. But when grievances accumulate for years, I can say from my own experience that only moving can help. The further the better. If this is not possible, then you need to use other methods:

“It took me 8 years to understand my mother-in-law. It was simply very important for my mother to be in the know, give advice and share her knowledge. And I consciously removed her from our family, which caused her anger and resentment. We eventually stopped arguing when I started asking my mother-in-law for her point of view. I will say that criticism and quarrels in our house have stopped completely.”

Yes, building good relationships between families can be difficult. Different upbringings, values, foundations, you never know the reasons! But the woman who can make friends with her mother-in-law will feel relief and make both families happy.

Vlada, Moscow

Many stories have been told about relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The plot is almost always the same: mother-in-law doesn't like daughter-in-law, the daughter-in-law reciprocates her feelings. Why can't two beloved women of the same man find a common language? Why does the mother-in-law interfere in her son's relationship?? As a young wife behave with your husband's mother? Will they be able to become friends?

Girls dream of good relationships with the mothers of their life partners. Mother-in-law they hope that they will come across nice, kind, flexible daughters-in-law. It seems that everything is simple: everyone wants peace and order to reign in their families. Why are these desires not fulfilled in practice?

Separate housing is not always available to young spouses. After marriage, many begin their family life within the walls of their husband’s parental home. At first, the household members live amicably, but a month or two passes, and misunderstandings begin to brew between the fair sex: daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

Two housewives in one kitchen

First clashes mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law Most often they arise in the kitchen and at home. Mothers of sons are indignant at their daughters-in-law’s inability to run a household: the food is tasteless and unfulfilling, the dishes are not washed clean enough, the cleaning is done poorly. It becomes unbearable for girls to listen to constant comments and criticism from the older generation. To avoid “kitchen showdowns” between two women, it is better for a young family to live separately from their parents. If this option cannot be implemented for various reasons, then the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will have to learn to negotiate. An adult woman should show her wisdom towards her son’s wife, and she, in turn, should treat her with respect.

Mother-in-law interferes in relationship between daughter-in-law and son

The newlyweds live separately, but mother-in-law constantly interferes with their family. It happens that mothers of husbands come to visit “not to drink tea,” but to inspect the “family nest.” She can come without warning, whenever she wants. Keen Eye mother-in-law He will see all the shortcomings in everyday life and every speck in the corner. Often mother-in-law unhappy with how the daughter-in-law raises grandchildren, how the family budget is spent. She always has enough complaints against her son's wife.

Why does the mother-in-law interfere in the family?

Excessive love and care. .Mother-in-law wants so that her son would be tasty and satisfyingly fed, cleanly and neatly dressed, and live in comfort and coziness. Adult women doubt that inexperienced girls will be able to provide normal living conditions for their adult child.

Jealousy. Often mother-in-law is jealous of her son's daughter-in-law. After all, before his marriage, she was the only and main woman for him. After he has his own family, she gets less attention.

Loneliness. It happens that a woman’s son is the only joy in her life. Perhaps she is single, has no job and no hobbies. Her son and his family are the main reason for her existence.

How should a daughter-in-law behave with her mother-in-law?

It is unlikely that there will be at least one girl who will like it when people constantly interfere in her life and meddle with advice. In order to avoid unnecessary conflicts with their husband’s mother, girls should learn how to behave correctly with her:

1. Consult with mother-in-law. Any person is pleased when his opinion is considered significant. A young girl can ask her husband’s mother for a recipe for borscht or her signature pie.
2. Praise and give compliments. give thanks mother-in-law for giving birth and raising a wonderful son. Admire her culinary talents.
3. Don't criticize her son. A daughter-in-law should never criticize and complain about your mother-in-law's husband. Almost all mothers do not tolerate any unflattering comments about their children.
4. Listen to mother in law. It is also important to learn to listen and hear mother-in-law. Sometimes wives simply ignore or are hostile to any information from the second mother. Perhaps she really gives the right advice and comments that will help her daughter-in-law improve.

Whichever mother-in-law didn’t get caught, it is important for the young wife to understand that it was she who gave birth to and raised her husband. Make yourself fall in love mother-in-law impossible, but you need to try to treat her with respect and understanding. Women better accept their sons' choice and not put a spoke in their wheels.

If mother in law and daughter in law learn to understand and respect each other, then they will make life easier for their common beloved man.

One can argue about whether it is worth calling her reluctantly “mom” or whether this is still a relic of the past. There remains one indisputable fact - you choose a husband, and you receive his relatives as a bonus, and whether it’s pleasant or not, depends on how you look at it.

For your mother-in-law, her son is the best / favorite / talented or just a man in whom she has invested a lot. Therefore, it is very difficult for her to admit that her very, very boy has grown up. It is incredibly difficult to accept in one day, and often for many years, the fact that a son can only have his personal, adult life, in which she should not interfere with her mother-in-law.

She has to get used to the new status of her son, to the difficult changes that a woman appeared in his life who “moved” her. That's why she can't just love you. It may well be that in the first years of your life together you will be expected to receive such “gifts” from your mother-in-law as attacks of jealousy, attempts to defend your authority, tricks and manipulations in order to influence your son.

But this does not mean that building a good relationship with your mother-in-law is something from the category of “mission impossible”. Your husband's family can become both a support for you and a reason for the drain of energy and love from the family. How your relationship will turn out depends at least 50% on your behavior and actions. If your husband’s parents, and in particular his mother, have become a reason for you to quarrel with your loved one, most likely you made a mistake when building a relationship with your new “mother”.

In this article, I suggest you analyze your behavior with your mother-in-law and look for ways out of the impasse. In the following list you will find the main tactical mistakes that lead to the fact that the “mother-in-law” problem grows to incredible proportions.

By the way, persistent irritation, anger and resentment towards your mother-in-law, complaints to everyone who is willing to listen about how unlucky you are - the first sign that there is a leak of energy from your family. Instead of directing your attention to your relationship with your husband and children, you waste your energy on the negative, focusing on something other than what actually requires your attention.

Why is this happening? Perhaps it's time to work on the mistakes? What should you not do in your relationship with your mother-in-law? Let's figure it out together with psychologist Lesya Matveeva.

Lesya Matveeva

Psychoanalyst, public figure,

personal development consultant,

presenter of channel 1+1.

1. Compete.

You should not share your husband with your mother-in-law. He is not the orange in the nursery rhyme that “only has one.” He is a grown man who chose you as his life partner. His mother has known him since the first days of his life and his mother will always have a special place in his heart. And period. Don’t waste time and energy proving that you are more important/better/more important to him. You are both important, but you are on different levels. You are his beloved woman, wife, mother of his children; mother-in-law is a mother who will remain her no matter what, even if he stops communicating with her. You do not need to compete, because just as you cannot, and most importantly should not, take the place of his mother, she will never replace you.

2. Let them into your territory.

This is not about a room or apartment to which your mother-in-law does not have access without your permission, although this is also an important point. We are talking about your and your husband’s personal space, which should be inaccessible to anyone.

For a mother who “wouldn’t let go” of her son, the idea that she might not be welcome if she suddenly came to visit without warning is simply incredible. Therefore, at first you may be faced with the fact that your mother-in-law has no understanding of why her opinion was not asked and taken into account.

What should you do? Build boundaries for your family. This is difficult, but otherwise you will not have any intimate space and be prepared for your mother-in-law to demand the keys to your apartment (just in case), call in the middle of the night and make scandals about why you didn’t visit her over the weekend.

3. Develop rules under pressure from your mother-in-law.

After marriage, you and your husband begin to develop your own rules, create your own microclimate, and your task is to ensure that your mother-in-law does not interfere in this process.

Budget planning, making serious decisions, you should decide all this only with your husband. At first, your mother-in-law will test the strength of your family boundaries, giving advice, trying to influence your husband. But we cannot give in on this issue.

The best tactic is to listen if the mother-in-law wants to speak out and do things her way. Involve her less in personal matters, do not rush to discuss her husband’s shortcomings with her, hoping that she will influence her son.

4. Expect your mother-in-law to be on your side.

Superexpectations, especially those fueled by your husband’s stories “I have such a world-class mother!”, “You will definitely get along with her,” should not mislead you that his mother will love you like her own daughter.

Remember, the less you expect from your future mother-in-law, the less she will disappoint you. You must also understand that she has her own plans and fantasies for you. Perhaps she wanted you to bake pies, become her best friend, give birth to three grandchildren at once. But instead, you are all so busy, you don’t spend time on cooking, and you plan to have children no earlier than 35 years old, until you make a career. This is the first point of non-joining.

You shouldn’t blame your mother-in-law for not liking you. She is an ordinary person with inherent flaws. In her opinion, an ideal wife looks different from an always busy businesswoman.

At the same time, you may have wanted your mother-in-law to be different. More intelligent, wiser, so that you can count on her advice, can trust your children without fear, know that she will not give bad advice to your husband and will not set him up with his exes, and will let him into your family. So it’s worth accepting the real mother-in-law, saying goodbye to the fantasy image.

5. Take conflicts onto your shoulders.

Don’t forget that your husband’s mother, who loves scandals and squabbles, is primarily his problem. He shouldn't put it on your shoulders. Don’t let your husband withdraw and remain silent in important situations for the family. For example, with the same decision not to allow your mother to come visit you without warning, “out of the blue.” You should not be the “bad cop” in a relationship while your husband remains your favorite son. He is an adult man and since he has decided to create a union, to unite your lives, then there is no need to drag your mother there. Therefore, you must work together to protect family rules and boundaries.

6. Making a monster out of your mother-in-law.

So, despite all expectations, you need to learn how to communicate. Therefore, do not rush to declare that you will not get along with your mother-in-law. Start by finding a place in your heart for gratitude. This woman raised your husband, she is the future grandmother of your children, find positive qualities in her. Don't focus on its negative aspects, it won't make you feel any better.

The struggle between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law for the attention and love of husband and son in one person is an eternal theme of legends, anecdotes and, unfortunately, reality. Most often, a mother-in-law interferes in the life of her son and daughter-in-law if the whole family lives in the same house or apartment. As they say, the best mother-in-law and mother-in-law are those who live at a distance and whom we rarely meet. There is a deal of truth in it.

No matter how ideal the mother-in-law is, loving both her son and her daughter-in-law almost equally, if you share the same territory with her, she simply cannot help but intervene. In most cases, the mother-in-law gets involved in raising a child, because in her opinion, she has incomparably more experience in raising children than you and your husband. Some mothers-in-law do this only with the best intentions, and you can really count on their help and support. But what to do if your mother-in-law gets you?

What is the rivalry and struggle between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law? That's right, first of all, in jealousy. It is quite understandable that a mother is jealous of her son, especially if he is the only child in the family. And it is jealousy that is the reason that the mother-in-law gets involved in the relationship and everything she can, gives numerous “good” advice, and the daughter-in-law, in turn, is also jealous and tries to do everything in her own way.

Sometimes it comes to the point that the mother-in-law does not allow the young couple to live. At the same time, her shortcomings are often visible only to her daughter-in-law, but not so much to her son. He is used to his mother and does not realize that she is interfering in his relationship with the girl he loves. Moreover, he is accustomed to the constant presence of his mother, especially if before the wedding he lived with his parents and not an independent life. His parents do not interfere with him in any way and it is difficult for him to understand the fact that his mother-in-law prevents his girlfriend or wife from living a full and free life.

How to fight back mother-in-law?

Let's imagine that you are a poor daughter-in-law, and your mother-in-law is preventing you from living. Naturally, you want to know how to fight back your mother-in-law, stop her influence on her own son and interference in your relationship. There is one simple way out of this situation. Neutralize mother-in-law! Of course, not in the literal sense of the word. Neutralize the fight against her. Eliminate the reason for her interference, do not give her a reason to dictate to you what and how to do. Simply agree with your mother-in-law on everything. Show that you are not interfering with her attempts to improve your life and the life of her son, show that you are not going to fight and prove that you are right.

Naturally, the best option would be to live in separate apartments or houses, but if you cannot afford this, here are some simple tips for you.

Following these rules, and also understanding that the mother-in-law is the same woman, with her strengths and weaknesses, advantages and disadvantages, you will soon learn to understand and respect her. And your life together with your husband will not be attacked by your mother-in-law, in her person you will find a reliable friend and adviser.

You changed the status of "free bird" to "husband's wife", the husband moved from the category of "in free search" to the category of "strongly occupied", happiness seemed so close and real .... But then my mother-in-law intervened. Unfortunately, this situation is not uncommon, but rather the rule. And happiness becomes completely illusory if she does not just “interfere” in the relationship between husband and wife, but literally interferes with the family with her own rules and instructions. It's sad, but it happens.

Analyzing the moves

Before launching hostilities, it is necessary to determine whether the situation is really on the verge of aggravation, is the mother-in-law deliberately interfering with life, tormenting her with her inappropriate advice? Or was she not out of malice, she just didn’t have time to change her mind and understand that her son had grown up and now had other worries?

Option one, unconscious:

A timid remark regarding the fact that you rarely come to visit is simply longing for your son, and not an attempt by your mother-in-law to teach you to live by her own rules. Rare comments about makeup or clothing style are a manifestation of jealousy that will pass over time.

Option two, massive attack:

You cook - she doesn’t like it? You are cleaning - does she find dust and debris? She laments that her son has lost weight, is not neat and is exhausted from household chores? Do you dress your children in the wrong clothes, put them to bed early, put them to bed late, are you too spoiled, too strict? And so - forty times a day? Every visit is accompanied by the fact that the mother-in-law keeps coming up with advice? Then yes, this is a declaration of war.

Strategy: patience as the main weapon

Yes, dear ladies, patience, patience and again – patience. Not to be confused with submission. If your mother-in-law interferes with your life, you need to let her understand this. Tactfully, calmly, intelligibly. Patience in this matter will not allow you to scream, resort to insults and turn into a twitchy hysterical woman.

Step One: Husband as an Ally

Never, under any circumstances, complain to your husband about his mother. You can stop your mother-in-law from meddling in the family only if your husband is on your side. Smile, be surprised, be amazed in response to all your mother-in-law’s nagging and share your surprise with your husband.

“Darling, can you imagine, it turns out that you need to iron your socks! Your mom said she always does this! And I’ll try tomorrow.” And here’s the thing: no need to try! All the same, no one will see the difference, but next time, if the mother-in-law decides to teach life to his young wife in front of her son, she is guaranteed to get a rebuff - from her son! And this demoralizes her for a long time. The more often you use this technique, the longer the mother-in-law will recuperate for further attacks.

Step two: heart-to-heart talk

Another effective way to stop your mother-in-law from giving advice is to be friends with her! Yes exactly. Be friends and give her compliments. Praise her borscht, ask for the recipe, ask for advice on how to cook jellied meat, admire the roses in the country house and compliment her new blouse.

Believe me, this works just as effectively as allowing children to eat chocolate without restriction - they will overeat and will not ask for a long time after. So is the mother-in-law: why bother with your advice, if they ask all the time anyway?

The main thing here is to choose harmless topics that are not important for you, and in the future they can really come in handy. Why not cook borscht? And surprise your husband with your culinary skills? And should I also mention that I asked my mother for the recipe? It will be a double blow.

Step three: silence for good

Does your mother-in-law teach you how to live? Don't argue. Be silent, nod your head. And do it your way. If she is interested in facts, events and the consequences of her advice, say that you did everything according to her instructions, and it turned out great! She will be flattered and will save your nerves. Don’t let her in on the details of your family life: where they bought it, how much they bought it for, did they have enough money, did they go to a restaurant, what restaurant, and so on, so on. In general, the financial side of your family life should be like an iceberg for her - at least on the surface, maximum under water. Otherwise, the notation will begin: “But we had no diapers and nothing, we survived!”