What is passion between a man and a woman: signs of feelings, difference from love. Passion as a destructive force

The word "passion" is quite common today. It is not newly invented, like, for example, "laser" or "computer", or abstruse, rare. which can raise a lot of questions. But still, this word, like any one that characterizes the realm of feelings, has many shades, and it is worth figuring out which ones.

What is this feeling

What is passion? The explanatory dictionary of the Russian language Efremova gives the following interpretation of this concept: “passion” is a strong feeling that occurs on an instinctive level. This is a strong passion, craving or inclination towards something.

According to Dmitriev's explanatory dictionary, the meaning of the word "passion" is defined as follows: a strong feeling, physical or sexual attraction of one person to another. It is also a healthy interest in some occupation, profession.

Ushakov's explanatory dictionary defines the term "passion" in a similar way. What is passion? This is a very strong sensual attraction that arises in a person subconsciously, instinctively.

Thus, after conducting a literary analysis, we can confidently say that this is still a feeling.

The seven most terrible human passions

Also, quite often, this term is used not to describe attraction to a person, but to describe his secret desires that cannot be curbed.

These passions include the seven of humanity. Many people know this legend. The list of sins includes: pride, gluttony, greed, laziness, envy, anger and lust.

These seven feelings and deeds are classified as passions because they are rather difficult to contain. Each of us has been angry many times in our lives, sometimes unconsciously jealous, or too proud of ourselves, gluttonous or lazy, this is a self-evident fact. And this is another criterion for understanding what kind of feeling - passion.

Passion and love in adolescence

All people in life sooner or later learn the feeling of passion. And very often it happens that they confuse it with love. Why is this happening?

This happens especially often at a young age, when young people and girls for the first time begin to experience feelings for the opposite sex. Then teenagers confuse passion with love and often confuse themselves with this. After all, teenagers are more likely to experience passion. What are feelings at this age? In this case, they can be compared with love. It's like It's not about sexual attraction at all. Girls fall in love with boys and boys fall in love with girls. But they begin to experience love at an already more conscious age.

"Adult" passions

If we talk about adults, it is worth noting that passion in men and women manifests itself a little differently.

Men in this matter are more quick-tempered and reactive. If a man experiences passion for a woman, the object of his desire, then he is very quickly excited, blood rushes to the brain, figuratively speaking. A man tries to use all the methods and methods available to him to satisfy his desire as quickly as possible.

But when a woman experiences passion, her actions are more measured. Women tend to think a lot about different things and do analysis. Therefore, as a rule, a lady achieves the object of her desire less impulsively, gets excited emotionally more slowly, tries to keep the situation under control, restraining her passion. That such a phenomenon can lead to negative results - she guesses.

Of course, sometimes the opposite happens. People are different, and everyone can behave in their own way, uncharacteristically, regardless of whether or not a woman. This is influenced by factors such as emotional and physical health, temperament, a person's lifestyle, or events that have happened or are happening in life.

How to recognize passion

As in adolescence, adults also tend to confuse the concepts of "love" and "passion". What is love in adulthood is already becoming more clear. That this is not only fun, an eternal candy-bouquet period, but also constant work on oneself, compromises, concessions and mutual understanding. But passion is a more frivolous and irresponsible feeling.

And often you might think that, experiencing an irresistible craving for a person, we love him. But you need to clearly understand that love is the spiritual closeness of two people, and passion is a feeling based on desire.

There are two basic differences between these feelings:

1) Manifestations of feelings. Of course, there is no relationship between people, a man and a woman, without passion. But there is a difference. If relationships are built on passion, then in such a tandem, as a rule, people do not take into account the desires of other people, but only their own, since passion is a selfish feeling.

2) Transience. Passion arises quickly, and is able to quickly "disappear" depending on various factors influencing a person. In most cases, when a person achieves what he wants, passion fades. This is its difference from love. But sometimes it happens that passion develops into a stronger and deeper feeling.

Thus, everyone can understand and set limits for the concept of “passion” a little in their own way: what is passion, craving, falling in love, and what is true love.

Only an adult soul can have a calm and harmonious love relationship. Adult love is bright and practically does not carry worries. But there are other, wrong, unhealthy relationships.

is a disease that in America is treated in special groups. If you do not live in the US, then you will have to deal with the problem yourself. It is not even customary for us to address such questions to a psychologist, since the population is not accustomed to trusting their difficulties to a complete stranger, and even paying a lot of money for it. Only a few use the advice of a qualified specialist, while the rest try to figure it out on their own.

Love addiction in modern conditions of life occurs quite often. According to some, attachment of extreme strength is, on the contrary, good. But such an attitude as a result just leads to a break in relations.

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Signs of love addiction

There are some common symptoms that indicate the presence of a love addiction:

1. The occurrence of anxiety due to the long absence of a loved one;

2. Love addiction gives rise to an unreasonable feeling of jealousy. There are negative feelings, even when the partner is just talking to a member of the opposite sex;

3. Constant need for confirmation of love for your person;

4. Expectations from the companion of complete submission to your will;

5. Fear of loneliness and fear of being abandoned. The desire to completely possess a person.

6. Habitual behavior, thoughts and feelings are distorted beyond recognition.

Often, love addiction manifests itself when a person no longer perceives his soul mate as an independent and free person, considering him just a continuation and addition of himself. At the same time, phrases like: “We are one whole”, “You are the meaning of my life”, “I cannot live without you” sound. It is with these words that people dependent on love clearly demonstrate their fear of being abandoned.

What can be done to overcome love addiction? First of all, learn to trust yourself and be more confident. To do this, psychologists recommend conducting auto-training. If these exercises are regular, they can work wonders. And you will definitely be convinced of this! You can come up with phrases for self-hypnosis on your own. These can be statements about a happy life, a good job, beloved friends, good health, evidence that you are happy and loved, etc. Repeat the selected phrases 20 times before going to bed, and also after waking up. Receptions from the same series will be effective:

- every time you turn on the water, mentally imagine how your love for a person goes away with the water;

- imagine him doing everyday, not the most personal physiological affairs - this perfectly eradicates the unhealthy adoration of the second half.

All of the above is more related to working on your own psychological state and is very useful in raising self-esteem. But after all, many are interested in how to get rid of love addiction by radical methods. This is a logical desire. Don't sit idly by, take action!

See also: - the answer is in the sign of the zodiac

1. Forbid yourself any thoughts about the object of your addiction. After all, if passion has become destructive, decisive measures must be taken. Get ready for the breakup to be painful. Your main task is to try to make mental trauma minimal. To do this, translate emotions into a rational sphere and learn to control them. Mentally fence yourself off from the object of your unhappy love with an imaginary wall. Remember: you are an independent and strong person and you can overcome your weaknesses.

2. If you understand that you cannot change your attitude towards your partner, it is better to disperse. Find strength in yourself and destroy everything related to your loved one: photos, gifts, Internet entries about your soulmate, a diary dedicated to your relationship. Don't look for casual encounters with your ex and get rid of all the contacts you can reach. Avoid any communication. Remember: a feeling that is not supported by personal meetings and communication passes much faster and more painlessly.

3. Make a list of all the worst and most offensive things that your loved one at the time managed to say or do to you. Put it in front of the phone and if your hand reaches for the receiver to call your former love, reread what you have written and your desire will immediately disappear.

4. In order for the relationship to end successfully, express everything you think about the culprit of the occurrence of a love illness on paper or verbally, and there will be no omissions between you. If you do not have such an opportunity, proceed as follows: put a chair in front of you and imagine that your object of unhealthy adoration is sitting in front of you. Tell him how he tortured you, how shameless and callous he is. And then forgive everything and forget the grievances once and for all.

Passion is the strongest feeling that arises at the level of instincts. This is a powerful passion and desire to completely possess another person. Physical attraction occurs at a subconscious level and cannot be controlled. Sooner or later at some point in life, everyone is faced with a similar feeling, but many people confuse the concepts of "passion" and "love" with each other, especially when they are in their teens. This happens because a person in both cases is irresistibly attracted to the other.

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How is love different from passion

In adulthood, a person usually already knows how to distinguish between love and passion between themselves. People understand that love is not only a candy-bouquet period and endless happiness, it is also a huge work on oneself and on relationships. Passion is more irresponsible and frivolous.

There is a huge difference between these feelings. Love is the spiritual closeness of two people, while passion is the desire to possess a person completely. Selfish feeling. However, without it, normal and harmonious relations in a couple, most likely, will not work. Physical attraction is the foundation on which relationships begin to build and subsequently true love is born. If the relationship is based only on passion, in such a situation people do not listen to each other's desires, and everyone wants to satisfy only their own needs. Passion, unlike love, is fleeting. It can disappear as quickly as it appeared. When a person achieves the object of passion, his desire fades away. But it is not uncommon for physical attraction to be reborn into true love.

Psychologists compare passion with the effects of drugs.

Love is more characterized by the desire to make the other half happy, even to the detriment of oneself. Experiencing sexual interest at the level of instinct, a person is focused only on satisfying his own needs. During passion, the strongest emotions prevail, and all thoughts rush to the object of adoration. Love, on the contrary, is a meaningful and calm feeling, when the happiness of another becomes much more important than your own. Interest is shown to the person, and appearance does not really matter.

What is the difference between love and infatuation

Signs of feelings

On the basis of love and physical attraction, long-term relationships are born that end with the creation of a family. In order not to make a serious mistake in his life, a person must be able to distinguish between these feelings. If you marry on, then the union will not bring happiness to any of the partners. When sexual interest fades, the relationship between the spouses will break.

Signs of Passion:

• insane interest in the body of another person;
• relationships are based on flirting, not heart-to-heart talk;
• there is a pathological feeling of jealousy and fear of loss;
• the object of passion is endowed with non-existent qualities, there is a reluctance to look at him with a sober look;
• requires increased attention to your person;
• spending time together is reduced to sexual contact and fun;
• the union is more like a relationship of lovers than friends.

To recognize love and passion, you need to listen to your own feelings and analyze feelings.

Love is expressed in the following signs:

• desire to get to know the person better;
• striving to be near “both in sorrow and in joy”;
• the desire to surround a partner with affection, care and warmth, without requiring the same attitude in return;
• need for communication on any topic;
• striving for understanding and respect for a partner;
• willingness to compromise;
• the desire to fulfill any request of a loved one;
• in bed in the first place is the satisfaction of the interests of the partner.

Love is a deep and creative feeling. Passion destroys and destroys; when a relationship breaks, it always hurts one of the partners. The one who experienced more serious feelings. It's unavoidable.

Stages of relationships between partners

Relationship stages based on love and sexual interest:

1. 1. Passionate relationship. The period of falling in love is exactly the moment when a person sees the object of his adoration through “rose-colored glasses” and endows him with non-existent qualities. Communication at this level does not take place with a real person, but with a fictional phantom that is groomed, cherished and protected. After one or two years, the rose-colored glasses fall off, and the former lover experiences a feeling of great disappointment.
2. 2. True love with elements of passion. In this case, the priorities are set properly. Love is at the head and controls sensuality. This is the perfect union of a man and a woman.
3. 3. Love. Such relationships are not suitable for all couples. They are designed for people with a certain type of character and personality type. A sort of quiet harbor with eternal calm. The union may bore one of the partners, and the person will go to look for the missing emotions on the side. But if a couple is satisfied with this relationship, and they feel happy, their relationship will last for an extended period of time.

By nature, women are more emotional. However, passion is most important to men. During passionate love, they produce hormones that increase their effectiveness in any area of ​​​​life several times.

1. The patristic understanding of the fornication

Speaking of fornication and its psychological aspects, we cannot but touch upon the Christian understanding of the meaning of the relationship between a man and a woman - the most important task that God has set before us. To answer this question, we turn to patristic anthropology (the science of man).

The Fathers of the Church consider the emergence of passions as a distortion of human nature after the act of the fall committed by man.
According to their teaching, there is one main source of sin - our selfishness, that is wrong a person's love for himself. This is the cause and the beginning of all passions.
Prodigal passion is no exception.
The words fornication, get lost, wander - all of the same root. Thus, falling into fornication, a person begins to wander away from the Truth. Submission to fornication inevitably leads him to spiritual fornication, to alienation from God.
The Lord in His parables reveals to us the hidden secrets of spiritual life and the Kingdom of Heaven. We all remember the parable of the prodigal son.
This parable is about bodily fornication, spiritual fornication and repentance. In the literal and figurative sense, it reveals to us the essence of fornication (wandering away from oneself, from God, from true love).
Man was created by God endowed with many gifts. He has a word, he has a mind, he has high feelings. It has tremendous potential and power.
But the question is, what does he spend all this on, what does he spend it on?
According to patristic anthropology, we have two paths. One way is the way of adoption by God. The other is indulgence of oneself, one's passions, whims. And this is the way to death.
This well-known parable tells of the youngest son who left God. It is said that he went to a far country and spent his estate living fornication.
The first commandment given to us by God - love your God - has been violated. Passion developed in its place. Love for God has been replaced by attraction to carnal pleasure .
This choice has not gone unnoticed for us.
A lot has been lost. For us, the opportunity to see the spiritual world is closed. Thus, a person, moving away from God, ceases to be “sighted”. We become deaf to the voice of our conscience, to the voice of God, we hardly distinguish between good and evil.
Why did the Lord in His parable choose fornication out of many passions? Why did He stop at this particular passion?

2. Relations between a man and a woman.

Let us return to the question of the appointment of men and women.
Here is what L.F. Shekhovtsova in the article "The Sexual Revolution Through Women's Eyes".
“Let's not forget that both culture and civilization are mainly the product of male activity. The contribution of a woman to the history of mankind is traditionally a family, a home.”
Then she writes: “I.S. Kohn very accurately expressed the male mentality of sexual behavior: to master a woman as an object, to establish himself through her possession, conquest, without connection with emotional intimacy. A woman for a man is an object that does not have its own experiences, thoughts, inner world, i.e. in "subjectivity" to a woman, as a rule, is denied. A man does not take into account the feelings of a woman, they are, as it were, put out of the bracket for him, as something insignificant, completely optional. For women, on the other hand, it is feelings that are most important in relationships with a man and in sexual contact.(It is clear that here we are not talking about those women who have made it their profession to earn money by satisfying male lust).
Further, Shekhovtsova compares the relationship between culture and civilization, as the relationship between a woman and a man.
“Culture is the sphere of the human spirit, human relations, where the values ​​of mutual understanding and respect are expressed. This is the sphere of knowledge and understanding of science and art. Civilization is the technical sphere of ensuring the interaction of man with the world, the sphere of technical devices that make life easier for a person, but also require an expensive price for this (ecological deterioration, stress, and so on). Culture is the sphere of subjects, civilization is the object sphere.
Thus, a woman in relations with a man is a subject and enters into a subjective relationship with a man. A man treats a woman as an object. Thus, we can say that the relationship between a woman and a man symbolizes the relationship of culture and civilization: sincerity, subtlety, love, sacrifice, on the one hand. And possession, technique (dexterity, cunning - translation techno with Greek), pressure - on the other hand.

Now I propose to return to the question that we have identified: who is Eve to Adam after all?

To understand what is really at stake, let us turn to the text of the Bible. The Hebrew original of the book of Genesis is far from talking about a helper. The word "etzer" used here is much deeper in content than it appears at first glance.
Thus, an Orthodox theologian and historian professor (1878-1972) proposes to translate the Semitic ETZER as "FILLING BEING". “Eve is not just a helper, but one that will stand face to face with him, with Adam.”

Such a translation fills the meaning of the union of a man and a woman with a completely different meaning. Husband and wife can stand face to face, as if contemplating each other, penetrating into the depths of each other, being filled with new content. They can see each other all the beauty of the image of God.
Eternity itself opens before us, which through love unites two into a single whole. That is why, as the French existentialist philosopher Gabriel Marcel wrote, to say to a person: I love you is the same as to say to him: “You will live forever, you will never die.” We also find the same expression in .
In other words, we are talking not so much about help in labor, in the function of having children, but about the fulfillment of life itself.
And then it turns out that assistance in labor, the birth and upbringing of offspring is conceived rather as a consequence of this replenishment.
Above, we considered the metaphorical purpose of women and men as the social purpose of culture and civilization.
The husband has what the wife lacks. And the wife has what the nature of a man lacks. She is the one through whom he can become something more. He is the one through whom it will grow to its fullest extent. This difference is not mutually repulsive, but complementary and mutually enriching.
They are together only because they are different. So, according to the Bible, in the joint life of Adam and Eve there is a complete change in a person's life, an expansion of his personality, God thus leads a person to the fullness of being.

That's how it was intended.
But the Fall changed everything. The relationship between the sexes has changed. In modern society, there is no dialogue and cooperation between culture and civilization.

3. What are the sources of the emergence and development of fornication?

4. How does fornication develop?

5. Fornication as a consequence of pride.

It has already been said that the emergence of passions is the result of the fall. In other words, at the moment when a person decides to do without God, puts himself in His place, overflowing with pride, vanity and self-deception, our nature is distorted.
Thus, any human passion is a consequence of pride - the arrogant intention of a person to settle in this life on his own, without God.
We also know that all passions are interconnected and influence one another.
Fornication is also a consequence of pride. How is it related? The holy fathers believe that if the Lord gave the devil the opportunity to completely rule over us, then the demons would tear us apart. But, by the grace of God, the Lord allows the action of the devil's power in us as much as we can withstand, resisting it. And when a person is in pride (and it blinds), he cannot see pride in himself - then the Lord, in order to humble him, allows the prodigal demon to attack him. And, seeing and enduring this pernicious passion, always noticeable to him and always tormenting him, a person can determine that he is proud.
The Holy Fathers believe that the demon of fornication is allowed to act in us precisely in order to to subdue pride because this passion is so disgusting that everyone tries to hide it, hide it, is ashamed of it, does not stick it out. But here, too, our time is distinguished by the fact that fornication in its most diverse manifestations is proud and extolled.
Thus, we see that the demon of fornication is connected with the demon of pride. The proud are provided providentially allowed especially strong fornication in order to heal a greater sin with a lesser sin, and a stronger one with a weaker disease. But if a person humbles himself in time, then he will not need this cruel healing.
The Lord, on the other hand, is sometimes in no hurry to let a person be freed from the prodigal passion, so that pride, the most dangerous passion, does not develop.
This helps us understand that the appearance of fornication is often the result of our pride or condemnation of another person.
A good example is given. He tells that at some point he was attacked by a strong temptation of fornication. He resolved to resist this temptation at all costs. He began to climb the mountain, reading prayers. But the abuse did not stop, but only intensified. At some point, he suddenly remembered that he had recently condemned a woman for prodigal passion. And condemned severely. At that moment, he did not suspect the possible strength of this passion, apparently, in the depths of himself he exalted himself over it. As soon as he remembered this episode, repented of his condemnation, passion left him.
This is just an example of the fact that passion is sent to us to keep us from pride. She calls for humility and repentance. Calls for not judging your neighbor.

6. Fornication and love.

The predictions of the Holy Fathers are beginning to come true before our very eyes. It seems that in the history of mankind there has not been such an all-encompassing pressure of sexuality as in our days. There is not a single sphere of social life left that would not be involved in this process. Everything is used: literature, art, television, movies, music, advertising, fashion, the Internet, computer games. Sexual education in school, as it is carried out, also serves to develop this passion. The idea is being introduced into the minds of people that abstinence is harmful for a person, and the satisfaction of lust is beneficial. The need to restrain carnal lusts is presented as a "dangerous business that traumatizes the psyche." Chastity, modesty and modesty are declared an "inferiority complex". Around sexuality, a huge pornography industry has grown and is growing rich, corrupting the hearts of young people and adolescents.
We are constantly subjected to a flood of sexual stimuli against our will.

At the same time, we need to remember that the Bible does not turn us away from carnal love. Sacred tradition has always been based on the Holy Scriptures.
We know that nothing in the Bible is random. Let's go back to the Song of Songs. This book was included in the Holy Scripture later than all the others. Among Jewish theologians there were disputes about the canonical merit of the Song of Songs. Some of them said that a book that does not even mention the name of God cannot be sacred. However, the book entered the canon and was accepted by the Christian Church.
With a literal interpretation, we see in this book an image of earthly love. The main content of the book is the feelings of lovers. Priest G. Pavsky writes that two loving faces - a young man and a girl - express their tender and strong love to each other and exalt each other to heaven, comparing with everything that could be imagined to them the most beautiful and magnificent.
Meanwhile, there is also mystical-allegorical interpretation. This does not mean that the second interpretation excludes the first. Theologians believe that there is no reason to completely reject the literal interpretation, since the Bible, as a book addressed to all people, cannot bypass such an important aspect of human life as earthly love. It reveals the will of God for man. After all, love and marriage are commanded to us from above: “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and cling to his wife; and they will be (two) one flesh ”(). Love in the Song of Songs is depicted as a powerful force that overcomes all obstacles.
And love here is monogamous in nature. Because for the Groom the Bride "the only one". Both of them find in another person their second self, without which they cannot live. In the joy of the union of the two, the plan of God is realized, the ultimate goal of which is the unity and harmony of all. We can treat earthly love as a school that prepares us for the highest form of love - love for God.
Now about the mystical meaning.
The deep mystical meaning of the Song of Songs lies in the fact that earthly love here becomes a symbol of the relationship between God and man. The Word of God teaches us about the high dignity of pure human love. And marriage in the Church is one of its sacraments. The Orthodox theologian S. noted that this is the only one of the seven sacraments, the foundation of which was laid by God from the beginning, back in the Old Testament.
He who does not know how to love people will not be able to love God. That's why love, real love, is so dangerous for the enemy. Loving people are always attacked by the enemy, always tempted. Love is strengthened by trials. And if it collapses, then something was no longer right in the heart of a person. Apparently, there were also crafty thoughts, and a thirst to command, and to be puffed up over another. Perhaps something else was taken for love.
To distinguish love from another feeling, to keep it, to carry it through your life - this is the path to God. This is a feat of the spirit.

7. The essence of prodigal passion in the context of the meaning and purpose of love, based on the New Testament.

In the sinful state in which we exist on earth, we cannot fully know God. It is only partly revealed to us. But we can move in this direction, continue this search throughout our lives.
In this regard, it turns out that leaving your love, betraying it, going into fornication is leaving Christ. It is probably no coincidence that it was Christianity - this is the full Revelation of God the Trinity - that brought people the revelation of monogamous marriage, in which one can grow and develop spiritually. And marital crowns were equated with the crowns of martyrdom, because to preserve love, to carry it through life is a feat of the spirit.
It is through love that a person can again return to his broken integrity, to find the fullness of his being in the world. This is possible through fellowship in love with other people, the world and God. God has not been revealed to people in such fullness in any other religion. It was in Christianity that the great mystery and revelation of the God of the Trinity, the God of Love, appeared to us.

And where can we learn love, if not in our own family, if not in a Christian marriage? After all, it is no coincidence that for a Christian the family is small.
It is love that brings us closer to the knowledge of God, teaches us something that was not available to us before. Although somewhere in the depths of our souls we always knew what it was. After all, every human soul, according to the word (who lived at the turn of the 2nd and 3rd centuries) is a Christian. We carry this memory, this knowledge of Christ from birth. But in our intellectual fornication we lose this knowledge.
“In the New Testament (the sin of fornication) received a new weight, because human bodies received a new dignity. They have become members of the Body of Christ, and the violator of purity already inflicts dishonor on Christ, breaks union with Him... The lunatic is executed by the death of his soul, the Holy Spirit departs from him, the sinner is recognized as having fallen into mortal sin... a pledge of inevitable death... if this sin is not healed in time by repentance ". Bishop.
Any relationship of a person, any activity in which there is no presence of the Holy Spirit, leads to the fact that demons settle in the soul. And God is moving away.
The Apostle Paul says: nothing should possess me... the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body... Do you not know that your bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit who lives in you?().
“If anyone destroys the temple of God, God will punish him” (), says the Holy Scriptures ... Strongly resist the demon of fornication; do not agree to be carried away by a thought, because coals flare up from a spark and bad wishes multiply from an evil thought. Try to exterminate the memories of them." Rev.
The Bible has a lot to say about love. Here is what we find about her in the epistles of the Apostle Paul:
“Let everything be with you with love” ()
“I give you a new commandment, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, let you also love one another.”
“... always love each other from the bottom of your heart” ()
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved and gave Himself for her” (; )
And he writes about love like this: “Love is an amazing feeling, but it is not only a feeling, it is - state of the whole being. Love begins at the moment when I see a person in front of me and see through his depths, when I suddenly see his essence. Of course, when I say "I see", I do not mean "I perceive with my mind" or "I see with my eyes", but - "I perceive with my whole being". If I can give a comparison, then I also comprehend beauty, for example, the beauty of music, the beauty of nature, the beauty of a work of art, when I stand in front of him in amazement, in silence, only perceiving what is in front of me, not being able to express it in any way. word, except as an exclamation: “My God! How wonderful!” The secret of love for a person begins at the moment when we look at him without the desire to possess him, without the desire to dominate him, without the desire in any way to use his gifts or his personality - we just look and are amazed at the beauty that has been revealed to us ".

8. About chastity.

Every passion has its opposite. Fornication is opposed to chastity.
However, it is a mistake to think that chastity is a concept that concerns only bodily relationships.
Chastity consists in keeping with wisdom the integrity of one's soul, and upon marriage, the soul of another person. Chastity transforms the bodily relationship in marriage into a reverent union of two. Such a union of two people by bodily relations is, as it were, the completion of the unity that lives in their souls.
Unfortunately, neither the school nor the society is engaged in the upbringing of chastity of the modern child. This leads to sad results.
The desacralization of the intimate sphere, the removal of the veil of romantic mystery (not without reason - the sacrament of marriage!) From love relationships entails violations in the experiences of love feeling as something personal and concerning only two. As a result, these disorders lead to the suppression of libido, to the impoverishment of the repertoire of love experiences. Psychotherapists have recently noted youthful impotence among young healthy boys who know so well the sexual technique from erotic films. That. the ongoing processes in the spiritual dispensation of a young person deprive him of full-fledged love experiences in the future, including sexual ones. There are obstacles to creating a full-fledged family.
Those involved in raising children: parents, educators, teachers should remember that chastity is a feeling that is given to a person from birth, and in the future should be preserved, cherished, and carefully nurtured. The difficulties of this process lie in the fact that chastity is directly influenced by the entire environment in which today's man develops and forms.
Like everything most valuable and pure, chastity is first of all formed and developed in the family. At least the family can lay the foundation of purity and strength, which will always help the child to resist sin in difficult times. And even if a person falls, it is precisely the foundations of love, fidelity, honor, instilled in childhood, that give him the strength to rise, to turn to repentance.
A family starts with the right choice. How you want to make the right choice and not make a mistake. Make a choice for life!

9. The problem of adultery.

Extramarital relations (adultery) is a practically little-studied area of ​​marital relations. Their scientific study with the help of polls, even if anonymous, is a difficult task, since the information received is associated with a phenomenon traditionally not approved in society, and, therefore, may be incomplete or distorted. With all the changes in sexual morality of recent decades towards greater tolerance, for example, to premarital affairs, the attitude towards extramarital affairs is much less tolerant.
What pushes a person to extramarital relationships?
I would like to note that often the motive leading to infidelity is emotional dissatisfaction in the marriage of one or both spouses. What is it?
Emotional dissatisfaction, longing, despondency ....
“I learned that the demon of despondency precedes the demon of fornication and prepares the way for it,” writes (Lestv. Sl.27, 49).
This statement is consistent with the fact that addiction, the feeling of losing novelty from relationships - all this generates, in particular, despondency. And people try to get rid of this state not by a deep analysis of this state, not by searching for the cause within themselves, but by solving this problem in an external way, through external objects or new relationships.
However, as you know, nothing but God can fill the inner emptiness. And so many married couples initially doomed go through crises. A man and a woman can be in a marriage union, but also experience longing, loneliness and the meaninglessness of being.
Modern man is increasingly accustomed to fleeing from inner pain. The situation in the family can often lead to conditions where we are in pain. After all, it hurts from the closest people. Internal psychological pain is interpreted by many secular psychologists as something foreign that needs to be removed quickly, to make it comfortable and easy. This is contrary to the Orthodox approach.
In a new relationship, a person tries to cope with the inner emptiness that exists in him, through passionate experiences of the novelty of feelings and relationships. And often he does not understand that the deep reason for this emptiness is his isolation from God. Searching for God in oneself is not an easy task. It requires spiritual courage and patience. Especially if such a temptation as passion is given.
Passion attracts, excites, beckons. There is an intoxicating joy and expectation that now I will be happy.

However, if we want to grow spiritually, then to our internal and external crises, to our pain, we must turn around with respect. And look at what is happening to us with unconditional trust in God. And it is from Him that we draw strength in order to cope with the situation. Withstanding the situation and all the difficult feelings associated with it, we develop spiritually. At the same time, our relations have a chance to develop. If we simply avoid pain, drown it out with fornication (or any other form of addiction), then we thereby we lose the possibility of deep personal transformation in God.

10. Common delusions characteristic of adultery.

Returning to the vice of adultery, we can say that, in addition to the most passionate attraction, and sometimes just lustful desire , is also based on several quite naive recurring misconceptions.
The husband who allows himself infidelity in marriage convinces himself that "no one will know" his adventures. But after all, the heart feels that not only is this mystically not hidden from anyone, but everyone in general knows about it: heaven, and earth, and children, and a wife or husband. And this is at first on an unconscious level, and then it will open with your own eyes. We know from patristic literature that the accompanying passions that support fornication and mutually reinforce each other are despondency, vanity, overeating and drunkenness.
Another illusion is that there is no spiritual depravity in bodily relationships. This is really an illusion. Man, as an integral being, cannot but participate in every process as a whole. Monogamous marriage implies from a person (male or female) complete, holistic participation in marital relations. Participation of spirit, soul and body. And it is precisely the unwillingness to participate wholly (and this happens with adultery) that leads to an increase in internal splitting, and thereby to a distance from God.

11. Spiritual aspect of adultery.

We remember from the Gospel story that the integral structure of man (spirit-soul-body) was broken by the fall. A person suffers painfully because of the violation of his integral structure. To come to integrity is possible only by being freed from passions. Fornication (as well as any other passion) reinforces this splitting.
It destroys the personality structure. After all, a person has to hide, deceive, take care that the husband or wife does not know about it. And even if this passion is performed quite openly, it nevertheless devastates a person internally, weakens him spiritually. And this leads to the fact that there is an alienation of the soul from the body. As a result of the frequent change of partners, it is increasingly difficult for a person to feel love or even sympathy. At some point, he notes with surprise that he simply ceases to experience any feelings. What for? After all, they only interfere, lead to attachment. It's uncomfortable, painful, uncomfortable .
Feelings begin to separate from the mind, from the body. If suddenly a feeling arises, then it must be suppressed. This is superfluous, it interferes, it will create unnecessary problems. Thus, a person learns to simply sexually use another person. Treat your body like a machine. It just begins the pursuit of sexual pleasure, which is surprisingly blunted. After all, everything comes. And the fornicator needs more and more new relationships, new connections. But, unfortunately, all of them cease to satisfy.
Indeed, it is always a kind of spiritual deadness, a frightening emptiness of loneliness. Fornication is an image of spiritual wandering. No wonder the wicked deeds are called adventures. Fornication, wandering, lost, lost, God-forsaken - all this is one semantic synonymous series.

12. Psychological approach to the problem of adultery.

We are now dealing with important issues. They are so complex that by giving some kind of schemes and strict rules, we risk making an irreparable mistake. One thing is clear that sexual relations only in marriage are fully worthy, pure and beautiful. However, even there, if the desire for sexual pleasure is placed higher than good relations and devotion of spouses to each other, then intimate relationships can turn into evil. In this case, the true spiritual essence of marriage is lost as an opportunity for joint growth to its full extent in Christ.

In psychological counseling of the family, one can immediately notice that the concepts treason And loyalty are subjective. Each partner of a married couple, and the couple as a whole, have their own idea of ​​fidelity and infidelity. It is clear that in Orthodox families such an idea exists more definitely. And this moment is a positive factor when you have to consult an Orthodox family.

Secular and Orthodox psychologists view family crises differently. Accordingly, the ways out of them are also offered differently.
The theme of the relationship between a man and a woman is inexhaustible. Here it is easy to slide into one pole (prudence and moralizing), and into the other - to follow the motto that love rules the world, and, therefore, everything that we call love is allowed and justified.
And yet I would like to note that we do not call for the fact that it is necessary to maintain any relationship, no matter what. We all make mistakes. There are marriages that are inherently destructive. Perhaps the decision to marry was made without the proper degree of responsibility and without prayerful standing before God. Then the development of relationships in marriage may not go in the direction of mutual growth in God, but poses a threat to the physical or psychological state of one of the spouses or children. With this option, a possible positive way out to resolve this situation would be a divorce.
Quite often in the practice of counseling, when people are treated with the fact that they have lost the ability to love and are not capable of long-term relationships. They always have partners, but in the soul there is loneliness and pain. This applies to both men and women.
Unfortunately, the ongoing processes in society to "legalize sex" cannot but affect all areas, including the principles of psychological counseling. In this context, as a result of spiritual and professional degradation, the advice of now many secular psychologists looks like, calling for the fact that if, they say, you have sexual incompatibility with your husband (wife), or depression, or some other difficulties, then start yourself a mistress (lover). This is not a way out. And just a way to drive the problem deeper.

We are mistaken if we think that the Church prohibits adultery simply from the principles of Christian morality. Not in this case. In marriage, husband and wife form a special unity, and fornication creates a crack, a split, a black hole. If the presence of the Holy Spirit was felt in the unity of the marriage union in the family, and it was some kind of warm atmosphere of love and trust, joint activity and joy, inexpressible in words, then after committing adultery, this inner atmosphere of the family is gradually destroyed.
Often children begin to immediately react to what happens between parents. As the weakest link, they are the first to "take on" responsibility for the sins of their parents. The virus of sin is transmitted to them. Not always, but quite often, children begin to study poorly, behavioral problems appear, and various kinds of addictions arise. In the experience of counseling, you constantly come across the fact that children's problems are the consequences of the stupidity and pride of parents.
There are families in which parents separate quite civilly, doing everything possible so that the divorce affects the children as little as possible. Fortunately, this also happens.

As mentioned above, only psychologically we are not able to cope with any passion. Man cannot do anything on his own. And only by turning to the Holy Spirit for help, we are able to change and move forward on the path of our healing.
But what do you do if people really have incompatibility? In this case, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. but firmly know that a moral fall does not give either mental or physical comfort. On the contrary, such advice gives rise to a number of other problems and worries.

13. Homosexuality.

There is no single answer to the nature of homosexuality either in medicine or in psychotherapy. Apparently, as in all deviations (perversions), they occur due to the fact that the integrity of a person is violated; and in the hierarchy of spirit-soul-body bodily pleasure occupies the first place.
You can also look at the problem of homosexuality in this way: these are two personalities, two human beings, who initially “agreed” to settle on soul-carnal relationships. God created a man and a woman so that it is in their union, in their contact at all levels of being, that they do spiritual work in marriage that bears fruit.
Living together in a normal marriage their difference, overcoming their limitations together, at the levels of the body, soul and spirit, two people - a man and a woman, accomplish a feat in their spiritual development. Same-sex homosexual relationships cannot have a positive spiritual meaning, they are based on negative, demonic spirituality and are severely condemned by the holy fathers.
Just as marriage has its own secret, the secret of piety, Truth and Truth, so there is also a secret in fornication and homosexual relationships, but the secret of lawlessness and sin. The mystery of piety does not impose itself, but humbly and meekly rises above us. The secret of fornication - beckons, flirts, seduces, deceives, sticks.
In order to resist fornication psychologically, it is necessary to resist the development of "fornication consciousness" in oneself.
In the treatment of addictions, quite a lot of attention is paid to the psychological aspect of the soul. To find the right landmarks, you need to see what traps false psychological attitudes we get caught if we are inattentive to what is presented to us in the form of certain axioms.
Religious and moral regulation of sexual relations assumed the ability of a person to control himself, his inclinations, desires (possession of neuropsychic processes, motor and motor apparatus). It was possession spirit over flesh. Mastery of oneself begins with mastering the word, one's consciousness. When a person "slides" from the spiritual level to the spiritual or carnal, then the process of losing power over himself begins. A person who is not in control of his own emotional-volitional processes loses himself.

14. Neurotic sexual dependence as fear of death.

The obsession with sex helps modern man hide his fear of death. We, the people of the 21st century, are practically not protected from this fear, since we have lost faith in the immortality of our soul, which generations based on Christian dogma were armed with. And in connection with the loss of faith, a generally significant goal in life has been lost. Death in a non-believer causes fear, and, accordingly, thoughts about it are almost always suppressed.
It turns out that in order to prove his existence, his potency, a person strives to constantly prove to himself that he is alive. Existential psychotherapists believe that sexual activity is the most convenient way to drown out the inner horror of death, since death is a symbol of absolute impotence, complete impotence and finiteness.
A person who has not yet married tries to fill his inner emptiness, the state of loneliness associated with the lack of spiritual life with carnal spiritual experiences. He does not even understand that the problem of his condition lies in a different plane. And in this case, fornication becomes something akin to a drug. Indeed, sexual relationships without love can give peace for a while, and then everything returns with even greater strength.
Thus, there is a dependence on the sensations associated with fornication. It is formed and developed, like other forms of addiction.
And, like any form of addiction, in its deep version, this is our unconscious, intolerable experience of a feeling of being abandoned by God.
In the practice of family counseling, there is a form of work when couples turn to a counselor before marriage. And together with him, the future spouses clarify the motives for their decision, the existence of common values ​​and meanings, that is, the foundation on which the family will be built.
These consultations are held to help young people make the right choice when creating a family, to clarify the discrepancy in values, in matters of raising future children - thereby identifying a zone of potential conflict.
It often happens that the basis, the main motive for creating a family is sexual attraction. If this is the main reason, then it is certain that when this attraction subsides, people begin to experience dissatisfaction in marriage.

15. Psychological aspects of getting rid of prodigal passion on the basis of the ascetic teaching of the fight against thoughts.

A person captured by passion gradually destroys his personality.
The first step to liberation from passion-addiction is the realization that the addiction has formed, and that it already owns you. As long as a person thinks that he can cope on his own at any moment, he is in "charm", i.e. is not able to realistically assess reality and plunges into dependence more and more. At the same time, consciousness always finds an excuse for any act..
If there is an awareness of the situation, awareness of one's powerlessness and a desire to get rid of passion, then, then, strength and opportunities will be given to cope with it. “My strength is perfected in weakness” ().
The Lord begins to help a person when, realizing his impotence, the futility of all his efforts, he cries out to Him for help.
A modern person, focused on external life and activity, needs to learn to pay attention to “his inner person”, that is, learn to carefully observe his thoughts and feelings. And also without cunning to realize how our passionate desires are formed, how we indulge them, intellectually justify. In a word, using patristic terminology, we should be trained in sobriety and "spiritual warfare."
It must be remembered that man himself, without God's help, cannot cope with temptations. But if you ask, grace-filled strength is given to resist them.
Working with thoughts is an art. We start by observing ourselves.

16. How to conduct work on self-observation.

When working with clients, I often recommend postponing "captivity" for a while. To tell myself - it's not going anywhere from me. And dedicate five to ten minutes to describe the process of "thought capture." In consciousness, these stages are sometimes very difficult to trace. When we record, we gradually begin to catch what follows what. Our attention to the inner life, the "inner man" is being trained. And now, after such training, a person is better and better able to capture the beginning - an adjunct. All this begins to succeed only when it is possible to observe the process of internal strife a little from the side.
It is also important to remember such a moment that our psyche is very conservative, inert. It takes a long time to retrain yourself to think and feel differently. There will definitely be falls. However, do not give up. We have to fight again and again. Any experience of "falling" should be maximally conscious.
Falls should be lived with contrition and repentance, but not lead to despair. To develop the process of observing thoughts, it is useful to keep a diary. Record in your diary all the moments of falls and victories. It should be described as if from the outside, trying to be impassive. And then the skill of working with thoughts will develop, which will allow you to escape from the captivity of sin.
Based on the patristic teaching of the fight against passions, we recommend the "algorithm" for liberation from passion, offered by the saint.
However, keep in mind that this is just a diagram. A specific living example of work is always more complex and multifaceted.
In this case, an example of working with prodigal passion is given - addiction to viewing porn sites.

17. To achieve success, it is necessary to form a strong intention.

The first thing to do is to clarify and strengthen motivation. And for this you need to answer (preferably in writing) a number of questions:

1. think about how good it will be when I overcome the passion of fornication(at I will improve relations with girls, in the future I will be able to create a good family; anxiety, tension will go away; I will become happier, freer inside ...)
2. why I don't want to fight passion (I don’t believe that I will succeed; I will have to devote time to this, I have little of it, I need to pay attention to my inner life, but I don’t know how ....)
3. describe the consequences of passion (fear that this will lead to loneliness, there will be no stable relationships, there will be no family, I am more and more isolated from people, I get used to relieving tension and anxiety in this way and I don’t know how it can be done differently ...)
4. am I determined to fight(see item 1 Yes, I have to decide, but can I handle it?)
5. mobilize your will and ask God for help (I can't do it myself, but with God's help I can do it ...)

To establish oneself in one's intention (motivation) is important, because it is here that we will draw strength from failures and mistakes. We need strength in order not to give up in any case, but to continue to work on ourselves further. Success will surely come if you have patience and always remember that without God's help you cannot stand in this struggle.
Let us remember that passion is not born in the human soul all at once. The Holy Fathers say that it begins with an adjunction (attack). In Slavonic, to be struck means to face something.

18. Stages of formation of passion.

The process of formation of passion is conditionally divided into four stages.
First stage- to see the emergence in yourself application.
The adjective arises in the mind of a person from the impressions of what he saw, for some other reason, or as an image imposed by the enemy - the devil. But the application comes against the will of a person, without his consent and participation. A person himself is free to accept an attachment to his heart or reject it.
Second stage- the pretext is accepted, it is already being considered, becoming one's own. Fathers also call it combination or thoughtful interview.
Third stage is an inclination to thought, or construction, when the will of a person has already submitted to the influence of sinful thoughts and the person is ready to move on to action. We remember the words of the Lord in the Gospel: Evil thoughts come from the heart...). Sin begins "with an evil thought" about him. And the apostle James writes: “Lust, having conceived, gives birth to sin, and the sin committed gives birth to death” ().
Fourth stage–captivity by thought. A sinful thought turns into action (deed, words).

For a person inexperienced in spiritual warfare, the infection with passionate thoughts occurs much faster. The initial stages of the development of thoughts (attachment-combination-composition) often go unnoticed at all, and only at the level of captivity, if the struggle with developing passions begins, do they come out.
We have already said that our thoughts are by no means always our own, but come from the "enemy". Knowing this, the Holy Fathers offer not to be afraid of them, and not to fall into despondency from their own sinfulness. This is one of the moments of spiritual warfare. thoughts no need to be afraid, but also no need to talk to them. And you should also protect yourself from temptations. After all, each person himself knows well what is a situation of temptation for him.
Here is a very important point that ordinary psychologists do not pay attention to and do not even consider. We should take a closer look at it. What is said below is revealed to us only by patristic experience.
It is necessary to perceive thoughts as something external, not related to us. It must be remembered that one cannot cope with temptation without God's help. And inwardly, calmly, soberly, a person who already has some spiritual experience and a consciousness purified by repentance can observe the development of a thought. In this case, he is given grace-filled strength to resist them.
So, one who wants to be freed from passions must learn how to kill bad thoughts in the bud, “break their babies on a stone” (see:). And the germ of thought is (as already mentioned above) - an adjective.
It is necessary to start the fight with thoughts with prayers to the Lord, saints and the guardian angel. This is important so that we refrain from attributing the successes of spiritual warfare to our own efforts, but only to God's help.

19. An example of work on self-observation with the thought of fornication.

Same example. A person is strongly tempted to enter a porn site….

prilog
I'm very tired today, I'll go turn on the computer and relax ...
What needs to be done so that passion does not develop further: I know that I will definitely go to a porn site. Lord, help me hold on!

Combination
Yes, nothing special, I'll just turn it on and look at the mail, it doesn't mean anything ...
So that the thought does not develop further, it is necessary to shift thoughts to the good.
Yes, but I know myself, it's better if I try to relax in a different way. I'll go and ride my bike... I know it's better for me to avoid temptations for now.

Construction
Yes, it's okay, everyone sits in these sites. Nobody died from this. And in general, why today. After all, I'm tired now and what ... do I need a bicycle?
Here it is necessary to be able to look at yourself from the outside before the onset of captivity. See your spiritual weakness and how, in fact, in the internal dialogue, communication and conversation with the demon takes place. And then really ask yourself the question: do I choose Christ or the devil? (Lord, help me not to betray You!)

captivity
And anyway, where does Christ? I don't want to think about it...

The given example cannot serve as an ideal scheme in all cases. Of course, the inner life of a person cannot be limited to schemes and algorithms. But for a better understanding of the essence of the process, we have to resort to this. Truly working with thoughts - this is the essence of Orthodox asceticism - science from sciences.
In the monasteries, the monastics confessed their thoughts to the elder. We, the laity, many who are deprived of spiritual guidance, need not only to get rid of sinful thoughts and not allow them into our soul, but also to fill it with other thoughts - and master all this. personal experience of spiritual warfare.
Ideally, this work is part of ascetic practice developed by Eastern Christianity. It leads to pure consciousness, inner silence, to constant prayerful standing before God - what is called in Orthodox asceticism. But this is a completely different topic for conversation. And we should stop here….

20. Conclusion.
In conclusion, I would like to say a few more words about the fact that passion (any passion, not only fornication) leads us to unfreedom, to internal slavery. In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul says: “You are called to freedom, brothers!” ().
We do not know how to dispose of it with dignity, poorly understanding what kind of feeling it is (it can cause anxiety) and we substitute freedom for self-will, thereby falling into the slavery of sin. Christianity is the opportunity given to us to find freedom in Christ.
"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" ()
If we want to get a sustainable result in the fight against passion, then we need to work towards the development of our Christian worldview.
Without personal rooted in the Christian mind, a person cannot cope with this problem due to the fact that society as a whole, as it now relates to sin, is a powerful factor that generates temptations.
The process of building a Christian worldview is not quick, but at times difficult and painful, as is the process of any birth. And here is the birth of a new person in Christ. The Orthodox Church gives us the opportunity to repent. And this is the only opportunity to reconsider one's actions, thoughts and feelings in order to avoid the temptations of repetition, and at the same time not to fall into a state of longing and despondency from the awareness of one's sinfulness and spiritual poverty.
We always have a choice - to starve to death in a foreign country, herding pigs, as the prodigal son did, or to return to the Father's house.

For the stronger sex, feelings for a woman always begin with sexual attraction. Passion blinds instantly. That's why, especially at the beginning of a relationship, it's hard to tell if you're in love or just infatuated. Is this girl really the one and only, or is it just another hobby, from which there will be no trace as soon as the dawn comes.

It is because of this that men prefer to first know a woman sexually and only then think about deeper feelings. When a man is obsessed with sexual desire, he does not care if there is anything in common between him and his partner. He is not interested in the girl's past and her plans for the future. He only thinks about how to gain access to her body.

If the partner is guided only by passion, she can use it against her lover, manipulating him and receiving any material benefits from him, but if both fall in love, then the relationship turns from selfish to sincere, and sexuality becomes a bright link.

Who do we fall in love with?
Psychologists are concerned about the question: “Who do we fall in love with?” Some believe that we fall in love with those who are similar to us, and thus gain self-confidence. Others believe that if you are drawn to a person who is completely different, then most likely it is the complexes that “voice”, and if a person was able to cope with his internal problems, then he will look for a companion equal to himself. In addition, there is a point of view according to which love is a manifestation of the highest form of egoism, as a psychological need. A person loves someone or something for the purpose of satisfying his own ego.

Lyricists call love unearthly bliss, skeptics - temporary madness. Helen Fisher, professor of anthropology at the American Rutgers University, has a different opinion on this matter. The chemical reaction and the release of a substance called dopamine into the body is what, from her point of view, underlies the feeling to which earthlings dedicate songs, poems, paintings and sculptures. In whose name they live and even kill each other.

The results of 30 years (!) of research on the chemical changes that occur in the brain of a person in love, the doctor published in the book Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Helen Fisher includes three components in the concept of love that interact with different brain systems:

Passion (desire for sexual satisfaction), arising from androgens and estrogens.

Attraction (romantic love, accompanied by euphoria, when life is beautiful, the mood jumps and the person is shrouded in constant obsessive thoughts and passion for the other), caused by an increase in the level of dopamine and norepinephrine, as well as a decrease in serotonin.

Attachment (a sense of calmness, peace and stability with a stable partner), regulated by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

What do you feel for the girl: love or passion?
It is passion if:
She is only interested in you as a sex object. Before you know her name, you're already fantasizing about ripping off her clothes and what you'll do with her. You have absolutely no interest in talking to her. Her annoying conversations are just a tedious prelude to the main goal of the appointment - sex.

You only want to be with her because of sex. When she asks you to help her with something, you find an excuse. And if you are near her, but there is no opportunity to have sex, she annoys you, and you start thinking about other women.

You do not return her missed calls and you can easily not communicate with her for several days until you begin to experience sexual hunger, because for you she is just a call girl. On Friday night you have a good time with friends, then call her at one in the morning and express a desire to come to her place "for an hour or two."

You leave immediately after sex. Joint falling asleep in each other's arms, morning awakening and tender kisses do not interest you at all. You got what you wanted, and at the moment, nothing else binds you with it. Until the next bed games.

This is love if:
There is an amazing emotional closeness between you. You are extremely pleased just to be with her, to walk hand in hand in the park, to hear her voice, to see her smile, to listen to the funny stories she tells, and to comfort her if she is upset. You enjoy being with her rather than waiting to get her into bed.

She seems beautiful to you not only in frankly sexy outfits and shoes with heels. Even if she is not wearing makeup and her hair is wrapped in a bun, your feelings are unchanged. But most importantly, you just want to be with her, even if you have to postpone sex. And don't be angry about it.

You see that you can have a future together. You have a strange feeling that without her life will be gray and empty. You tell friends and family that she might be the one you've been waiting for, and even consider proposing to her. And you introduce her to the family.

Include it in your plans. You try to walk with her everywhere - visiting, walking the dog, meeting friends. Even in a cheerful male company, catch yourself thinking that you miss her, call her secretly from friends to say some tender words.

True love always leads to self-development. You truly love a girl if you suddenly begin to feel the desire to become better for her sake, because she is your strongest inspiration. It is with her that you feel happy and try to give her happiness in return. And most importantly, you trust her so much that you can afford to drop any masks and just be yourself.

If you've been rejected, romantic love can be one of the worst feelings a person can experience, says Dr. Fisher, but emphasizes that it's not about sexual attraction, but about love. People don't kill each other if their sexual partner refuses to go to the bedroom with them, but it's no secret that love suicide is all over the world.

Love is not freedom. In terms of chemistry, the strongest human feeling can be compared to drug addiction. If everything is good, we are in a state of euphoria; if everything is bad, we fall into a prolonged depression.

When a couple has a baby, romantic love weakens, giving way to affection. It is this feeling that helps parents raise a child together. If passion lasted forever, Fisher believes, many of us would not be able to work, would die from exhaustion, or end up in a psychiatric clinic.

Unlike passion, a deep sense of affection can last a lifetime. Loving man and woman eventually become a team that is not afraid of any domestic difficulties or emotional upheavals. The element of novelty is very important for family relationships, the author of the book claims: it stimulates the production of dopamine in the brain, and therefore makes everyday life more romantic.

The chemistry of love is ageless. The "process" can begin at any time in life. This is confirmed by the results of studies in which 255 volunteers from 16 to 60 years old took part. As it turned out, men and women of respectable age experience no less love than young ones. Moreover, Helen Fisher talked to 70- and 80-year-old people who are passionately in love.

It is important to know that the brain systems responsible for love interact with each other. “Don't have sex with people you don't want to fall in love with,” Dr. Fisher quips ironically. “Because that’s what can happen, after all.” Testosterone, released at the moment of sexual desire, can trigger the hormones responsible for romantic attraction, and orgasm increases attachment hormones.

It is important to remember that passion is a short adventure, but love is a lifelong journey. Even if it is sometimes difficult to distinguish one from the other, you should still know the difference. Most importantly, decide what you want. Everything depends on you.