My girlfriend doesn't dress well. Psychologist consultations - family relationships, solving family problems My man doesn't like the way I dress

The family occupies the most important place in the life of each of us. Probably, every person, most of all, wants everything to be fine in his family. But, in the process of developing family relations, various problems often appear that cannot always be solved without outside help.

If you have certain difficulties in family relationships - for example, in a husband / wife relationship, relations with relatives, etc., you can ask a psychologist a question, or read the archive of questions and answers. Perhaps someone has already had similar family problems and in the answers of psychologists you will find something useful for yourself.

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Maria 29 years old: (03.07.2010)

I have been married for 6 years and have a 4 year old son. not working at the moment. housewife. My husband doesn't like the way I dress. If I have a blouse on, then in his opinion I should be without underwear and always such that everything and everyone can see. The skirt or dress is certainly short, so that it barely covers. The shoes are naturally on the heel and the more colorful and higher the heel, the better. Even with a tracksuit, he asks to wear heels, but when I refuse, saying that it is still ugly, he does not understand this. ignores almost my entire wardrobe. My explanations that I am not comfortable in the clothes that he chooses, refuses to listen, says that I am shy, insecure. Explain why I should expose my body to everyone. Or maybe it excites him. Now I want to buy a one-piece swimsuit, because after giving birth the body is not so perfect, and he only needs a bikini, He said that if there is another swimsuit, he will not go to the river with me. Help me please!!! This is already becoming a huge problem in our family.

Expert answer:

Hello Maria!

You write: "My husband doesn't like the way I dress." What to do in this situation? Try to understand what your husband lacks (what, for example, used to be, but now is not). Perhaps earlier (before marriage, before the birth of a child) you dressed more frankly and he just wants to refresh his memories, to see in front of him the woman he fell in love with then. Try to look at yourself through his eyes, look through your wardrobe - what you usually wear, think about what emotions and desires one or another of your everyday clothes can cause. There is a lot of truth in the banal proverb “men love with their eyes, and women with their ears”. In fact, most men are always pleased when a beautiful, sexy woman walks next to him, attracting his eye (and maybe the eyes of other men - but she is with him!). Of course, one cannot argue here one-sidedly - it is clear that when you are required to wear shoes with a tracksuit, these are already excesses, again, is it also important for you to feel comfortable?

Still, as practice shows, often, behind the external nit-picking on the part of the second half (spouse, spouse) there are completely different reasons. Analyze your current relationship, try to understand what happened before and what has changed (after marriage, after the birth of a child, now)? It's funny, but we, men, sometimes begin to cling to clothes, food, etc. for one single reason - a lack of attention to us from a woman (just like children, but this is a fact). Talk to your husband frankly, maybe you don’t notice something? Most likely the problem "my husband does not like the way I dress" has specific reasons ...

In short, analyze, I'm sure that you yourself will find the answers to all questions and everything will work out for you!

Sincerely, Mikhail Petrov

My girlfriend doesn't dress well

Difficulties in relationships

My girlfriend doesn't dress well

At different times and in different countries, the concept of a beautiful woman has undergone significant changes. And what was previously considered the real ideal of beauty and femininity, now cannot be perceived without a smile on your face. But, nevertheless, every man wants to see a beautiful and attractive girl next to him, who would please the eye and inspire you.

And now there are a huge number of men who do not like that their girls dress badly and tastelessly. And by and large, there is no difference in whether the girl is dressed too insipidly or, on the contrary, is too open and vulgar. The fact remains that a man is not happy that there is a girl next to him, whom he is ashamed of, or does not excite him.

And this is one of the steps to parting. And the most annoying thing is that there are magazines, programs and shows where girls are given advice on how to dress. But no, all the same, some girls do not listen to common sense, but are stupidly lazy to look beautiful for their man. And you can’t explain to them that beauty is needed not for them, but for their man.

If a girl dresses badly

We are faced with a situation where girls declare to their young men that they value comfort in clothes more than beauty and sexuality of the image. In their opinion, the girl remains beautiful due to her naturalness and femininity. And the choice of clothes does not really matter.

A man wants to see his girlfriend in sexy and feminine dresses, high heels, and of course, in erotic underwear. Not vulgar, but sexy and feminine. And they are extremely annoyed by the fact that from morning to evening they see their girls in completely insipid clothes that do not cause any fantasies and desires.

Accept it like this. No matter how a man complains about his girlfriend, it is difficult to convince her of the correct choice of clothes. Even if she dresses "like a man", she will look great for herself.

If your girlfriend wears this or that clothes, she has a specific goal: whether it's comfort, sexuality or your attention. Remember: a girl develops her style of clothing, starting at the age of 10-12, and reluctantly changes it throughout her life. Therefore, if you fell in love with your girlfriend like that, then you don’t have to object to her style.

Talk to her. You need to talk to her about her appearance. You must be persuasive, and the girl will respect the desire of her man. She will agree to change her style of dress at certain times, whether it is a dinner at a restaurant or a walk with your friends.

It is almost impossible to change a girl, but she can behave in such a way that you are attracted to her, and she does not embarrass you in front of colleagues and friends. Honest conversation and give and take is the best way to find an acceptable solution.

Encourage her. We all know perfectly well that there are a number of holidays when a girl puts on a dress and heels. On such days, one should praise her wholeheartedly for her beautiful appearance. Your soul mate must understand that if she dresses beautifully, then you will definitely notice this and praise her. This will serve as a good incentive for her.

It is difficult to change the appearance of a girl, but it is possible to change her attitude towards herself. She must understand that her appearance is a gift for you.

Buy her the right clothes. If a girl is lazy and irresponsible to her own appearance, then you, as her loving man, can give her a few gifts. Go shopping with her and tell her what you like. This will hit your pocket, but it will have a positive effect on your intimate life.

Invite her friends or her mom. She may not listen to you, but she must hear the opinion of her friends and parents. Your task is to give them a polite hint and ask to talk to your girlfriend. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a try.

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How to understand that your man does not like how you are dressed, even if he says that you look good? This is really difficult, because he is unlikely to tell you about it directly. And who wants to dress in such a way that a young man would be ashamed to go out on a date? The simple signs described below will tell you if your man does not like your taste in clothes.

He compares you to other girls/women

If your young man compares you to other girls, it is quite possible that he is talking about the taste in clothes. For example, he may note that a particular girl looks good in her dress, referring to the choice of clothes. Yes, this is an indirect hint of good taste. And if he compliments other ladies, but you don’t, most likely he just doesn’t like the way you are dressed.

He feels awkward

You will see by his facial expressions and body language if he is ashamed to walk or dine with you in public. If a man constantly makes weird excuses for you, this is a direct sign that he does not like your outfit.

He complains about your style of dress

Does your man make comments about your taste and wardrobe? Most likely, he will say it like this: “this dress does not suit you” or “this sweater is already too old.” It is unlikely that he will tell you this directly, but remarks about your clothes are directly related to your taste.

He chooses things for you

If you go shopping together and he chooses things for you, he tells you what clothes he would like you to wear. Perhaps he does not really like the filling of your wardrobe, and he wants to supplement it with something that he likes. Again, this means that he does not like your style of clothing.

He makes fun of your style of dress

Does your boyfriend play pranks on you when it comes to your wardrobe? He may say that you dress like a tomboy or something like that. If he asks you to dress more feminine or elegant, this is a direct sign that your style does not suit him.

He asks you to change

If your man asks you to wear something better, this is an indirect sign that he would like to change your wardrobe. As if by subtext, he hints that you should also change your taste in clothes. This is a classic sign that he doesn't like the way you dress and would like to see you in something else.

But if this topic is unpleasant for you, then it’s better to stand your ground and dress as you like. After all, you should not only like a man, but also feel comfortable and love your reflection in the mirror.

28.10.2014 01:26

QUESTION: My husband is always unhappy with the way I dress and look. He wants me to be slimmer and dress more youthfully. He always compares me to his friends' wives, how sexy they are, how pretty they are, and how I should try to be like them. I agree that I am fuller than I should be, five kilos no more. I know he loves me, but his constant criticism pushes me away from him. I love him and want to spend my whole life with him, but sometimes I really want to leave. I will never be the way he wants, what can I do to improve our marriage?

ANSWER: Your answer has three main aspects. All three must be corrected if you want to live with your husband all your life, as you write. If this is not done, then what you are talking about will eventually completely divide you. When that happens, you will either hide in your shell and be miserable for the rest of your life, or you will walk away from him.

First aspect this is his attempt to make you the person he wants, not the person you really are. It is normal when one tells another what he would like. However, when it becomes conditional love ("I'll be happy with you if you _____"), the other partner feels unloved.

Women already suffer from the fact that they constantly compare themselves with others, and feel that they are not beautiful enough, slim, well-dressed, etc. Society creates millions of reasons from which women's self-esteem begins to crack.

His comments are devastating. He thinks he motivates you to get better. He needs to love you for who you are. You didn't state your age, but the fact that he wants you to dress more youthfully is a clue. It's normal that he wants you to be desirable throughout your life together, but it's not normal to want you to be younger, or to want you to be sexy like other women in his field of vision. This tactic is doomed. You can't be a 20 year old girl forever. His emphasis on your sexuality says that he loves himself and wants you to be, look or act in a way that meets his expectations.

When you don't feel loved for who you are, trying to become someone or something else in order to be loved will lead to disaster.

People who change themselves to be loved don't want to change. People who already feel loved change with pleasure to please their partner. The difference is that they change themselves because they feel loved, not because they have to change to be loved. Until you really feel that he loves you for who you are, nothing in your relationship will change for the better.

Second aspect this is his disapproval and criticism of you. Your husband most likely thinks that he is trying to make you better.

He builds a wall between you. American psychologist John Gottman conducted a study on marriage and relationships. He explains that a complaint focuses on a particular behavior ("I don't like your dress"), while criticism is an attack on the individual. She carries a message: "What's wrong with you?" (“You don’t care what you look like! Why can’t you be like….?”). When one or both spouses use it against the other, the relationship suffers tremendously.

Intimacy is allowing the other to see you from the inside, to know the most hidden sides of you. It cannot exist in an atmosphere of criticism. The one who criticizes does not get what he wants, and the criticized closes and emotionally moves away.

Gottman's research shows that when criticism does not subside, the likelihood of divorce greatly increases.

In my work with couples, I help couples understand how they use criticism and how it affects their relationship. Every time people tell me that they had no idea how much damage it does, and how much will change in their family life now that they understand it. Please explain to your husband what his criticism is doing to your emotions and ask him to stop. If he does not rethink this aspect, see a qualified family psychologist, or contact me.

Third aspect this is your weight. Before you react, let me explain...

Yes, when one partner is overweight and the cause is not in good health, it often has a negative effect on the relationship. The second often feels ignored. One man told me, “She knows I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore. If it was something she couldn't control, I could understand. But she has it simply because she does not play sports, and does not eat right. I see she doesn't care if I want her or not. I love her, but I just don't want to be sexual with her because I'm not sexually attracted to her anymore. Why doesn't she understand what she's doing with our relationship?"

If you feel that you need to lose weight in order for him to love you, you will not lose weight. And if you lose weight, then most likely through your internal resistance. But if you choose to lose weight for your own health and for your marriage, both of you will benefit, and so will you and your husband.

I strongly recommend that he love you for who you are and stop criticizing you. I also strongly recommend that you take care of your weight now, not for him to love you, but for yourself and your future relationship.

If you, or someone you know, wants to save your marriage, or make another important decision regarding your family or relationship, . I am here to help you. I spend . And if you want to get started right now, check out . You no longer have to wait. You can start this process today.

Benefit from the opportunity to get your problem solved and the support you deserve. As always, I am here to support you in creating a different life, and a lasting loving relationship.

All the warmest to you,
Natalia

I am 25 years old. I've been married for about five years now. My husband and I are the same age. He is against me walking around in long skirts and a headscarf, not to mention the full compliance with the rules in clothing. With long skirts and a scarf, the husband hardly reconciled himself, but he was not going to buy them. I went with what I have. Because of this, conflicts arose constantly. And when my husband found out that I wanted to wear a hijab in the future, he refused to have anything to do with me at all. He wants me to walk the way I walked before the wedding: knee-length skirts, no headscarf. But I can't take a step back when I only want to go forward. I explain that this is not my whim, this is the norm of Sharia, that it is supposed to be so, but these explanations are meaningless words for him.

"Don't you have to listen to your husband? he says. Are you committing a sin by arguing with me? I tell him that, of course, you must obey your husband, but only if this does not run counter to the concepts of religion. He believes that one can dress like that, that there is nothing wrong with that, and pray enough, that the rest also dress like everyone else and pray. These are our disagreements, which our mothers, his older sister and my brother and sister know about. My mother is very worried that this is how things are going. She believes that I should obey my husband, that I got married for this, that it's okay if I walk like before. I love her very much and worry about her. She's been through so much. After marriage, I began to appreciate her even more. But I cannot listen to my relatives in this. I explain to them, but they do not want or cannot understand. I said that I am not changing my mind.

My husband said that he would not put up with this and that he did not want to have anything to do with me. And if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, then what's the point of living on? They called my mom to talk about it. My husband and I have expressed our views. The mother-in-law believes that if I do what my husband says, then my husband will do what I want. The mother said that she did not see anything wrong with the fact that a person walks like that, but she protested against the hijab. I remained unchanged in my own, but they decided that I should go to my mother, talk to her alone again, that maybe I would change my mind. That is, everything now depends on me. I am not going to change my decision, but I am very worried about my mother, for how this may affect her health. But dad doesn't know yet.

It is not yet known how he will react to all this. In general, he can get angry, especially since he is an atheist and is unlikely to understand me. My brother and sister, of course, do not want me to get divorced, but they support me in my intentions. The situation at the moment is such that my husband accepts me the way I was before. He is not against prayer, although he does not do it himself, but about long skirts and a scarf, he does not agree, and I should forget about the hijab while I live in his house.

In terms of religion:

In a famous hadith, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said (meaning): If people begin to come to you to woo, whose religiosity and disposition you will be satisfied with, then marry them; if you do not do this, then temptation will appear on the earth and immorality will become widespread "(" al-Mustadrakala-s-sahihain ", No. 2695).

إذا أتاكم من ترضون خلقه و دينه فانكحوه ألا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض و فساد عريض

Those. The opposite meaning of this hadith tells that if the matchmaker turns out to be a person with a bad character or non-observant, then you should not marry him. If you initially followed the position in Islam, its rules and norms regarding the choice of a life partner, you would not have such disagreements with your spouse. After all, wearing a hijab is the duty of every adult Muslim woman. And this is not a whim of Muslim men, but the command of the Creator Himself. The Almighty directs in the Qur'an that Muslim women close themselves and do not flaunt their beauty in front of an outsider. Allah says (meaning): Let them not flaunt their adornments, with the exception of those that are visible (the oval of the face and hands), and let them cover the opening on the chest with their veils and show their beauty to no one except their husbands or fathers ... (Sura An-Nur, verse 31).

وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَى جُيُوبِهِنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ

You are right that the wife should obey her husband only when his demand is not contrary to Islam. The hadith says that one cannot obey the creation, disobeying the Creator (Jamiul-ahadith, No. 17172).

لا طاعة لمخلوق فى معصية الخالق

Therefore, you should not give up the Muslim form of clothing, even under the threat of a family breakup. Try to choose a wardrobe in such a way that the clothes comply with Sharia norms and at the same time do not stand out from the clothes of others. For example, you can cover your hair with a fashionable cap, hat, neck with some kind of scarf, wear trousers or jeans, but with a long tunic (knee-length), etc.

Ask the Almighty to guide your husband and all other relatives on the path of truth. Ask for it using everything.

Buy Islamic literature, audio-video products, put it in a conspicuous place in the house, perhaps it will interest your family members and they will view it. When choosing literature, give preference to one that draws a parallel between what is in religion and the latest scientific discoveries.

From the point of view of psychology:

In this case, and in all similar ones (this happens often), you need to look at the very root of the problem, at its source. Obviously, the main problem comes from the requirements of your husband, because if he does not forbid you to dress according to the norms of Islam, then both his parents and yours will have nothing to do with it. It is for this reason that it is necessary to avoid involving as few people as possible in the discussion of such disputes, it is impossible to expand the boundaries of the conflict situation. Remember that involving relatives in the discussion can lead to the fact that even if your husband would prefer to accept your position in the depths of his heart, it will be more difficult for him to admit it, because everyone has been notified that he is against it.

All the requirements of your husband can be reduced to one denominator - the weakness of faith and religious beliefs. As soon as a person understands and accepts the importance of certain religious obligations, then for him these questions disappear on their own. It is for this reason that it is necessary to invest all the force of influence in the right direction, i.e. to strengthen his (husband's) piety. But you need to do this carefully so that your calls do not have a backlash. Most people do not like to be proved something to them, to impose an outside point of view. A person truly appreciates what he came to on his own. However, the talk of some people that they do not need to lecture and instruct them, that they themselves must reach everything, is in fact just an excuse so as not to enter into disputes. A person cannot come to anything if he does not take steps in the right direction, and in this particular case, the study of the foundations of religion.

You have lived enough with your husband to understand his character, his train of thought. Assume that any religious works will have an effect much stronger if they correspond to the level of education and thinking of a particular person. On this site, under the heading "Teachings", you will find enough materials on various topics and written in different styles, scientific or colloquial. It would also be nice if there was literature of a religious nature in the house, accessible for understanding. It is necessary to start with the most basic, with faith in one God. It is inappropriate to immediately move on to particular issues, such as five times prayer, clothing, food, and more. If a person accepts the basis, then everything else will be accepted by itself. Again, I draw your attention to the fact that a strong and persistent influence on your husband can cause a defensive reaction and turn against you and, as a result, against everything that you say.

Now about something else, no less significant. A certain category of men experiences self-doubt when walking around the city and next to him is a closed wife. It is important for such men to have a “fashionable” doll next to him, this increases his self-esteem and self-confidence. Naturally, this is a false ideal, but some people live by it. Talk to your husband, find out what exactly he does not like. You can choose clothes in such a way that your husband will like them and will comply with the norms of Islam. As for clothes in the walls of the house, dress as your husband wants, wear the most attractive clothes, let him understand that you are ready for anything for him. If you manage to find this balance, then its pressure on you can seriously decrease and the problem will disappear.

Try different ways, but act gently, unobtrusively, but steadily.

Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children