How to let go of someone who was. Three reasons to forgive and let go of a person. How to forgive and let go of a person? And why it must be done

The return on investment method can be an effective way to solve a classic psychoanalytic problem that previously seemed almost insoluble.

The article is devoted a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence.

The idea is that emotional dependence is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality "invested" in the object of dependence.These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back withusing the method of emotional-figurative therapy(EOT), that leads to immediate and complete freedom from addiction.

Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using this method are given. The possibilities of extending the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.

Emotional dependency is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.

Subject of dependence:

1. Experiencing suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to inadequate power of the object over him;

2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;

3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.

There are a lot of options for emotional addictions. This may be a love addiction to a specific person with whom the relationship has ceased or, on the contrary, cannot be terminated.

Maybe this dependence on the very feeling of love(erotomania), so that the object of feeling is not unique.

It could be addiction based on a sense of duty when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will "disappear" without her, and she will feel guilty.

It could be addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment when the connection does not stop, because these feelings do not find their resolution.

It could be dependence on mother (or other person) with which there was an emotional merger (confluence). In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.

It could be dependency based on feelings of helplessness when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that she is psychologically still in the womb and afraid to face the real world.

It could be emotional dependence on a deceased person, with which the subject failed to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on a terrible or, conversely, a beautiful past in which this subject still lives.

It could be dependence on the future, in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc. The subject may suffer for years from a feeling that makes him addicted, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigned to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it.

Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from the state of dependence to state of independence and later on, if he wants, to a state of interdependence. The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature.

One would think that both individuals would now become each other's slaves. But, it means that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining sense of coercion and limitation of opportunities.

Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person.

Well, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup, a young man can say with the words of a cheerful song: "If the bride goes to another, then it is not known who was lucky."

Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: "So don't get you to anyone!" or "Did you pray before bed, Desdemona?" or with a depressive meaning: "My life is over."

Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a wound of the heart, and this is a lot of hard work.

But... Using the EOT method, we managed to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the problems listed above, to achieve a state of independence by an individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence.

Example 1. "Blue ball".

At a seminar that I gave at an institute for third-year students, a student offered to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now. Every day she only thought about "him", she lived purely mechanically, she was not really interested in anything, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.

To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was in the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing.

She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest. Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I suggested to her imagine that feeling on the same chair where the young man “sat” before.

She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which, of course, belongs to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw this ball away, but she could not do it, because, according to her, then she just kind of died.

Already at this stage apparent cul-de-sac structure in which she was. She clearly wanted to repress the feelings that she suffered from, but at the same time she did not want to lose them. Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto a young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, therefore she felt apathy, she lived mechanically and could not love someone else.

This same projection created a powerful attraction to regain that blue orb.

Then I suggested to her that to get out of the impasse, try the options in turn:

1. Throw the ball out completely;

2. Accept it into yourself as part of your personality.

After that, it was possible to make sure which action would suit her best.

However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options. In order to shake this rigid system, I invited the members of the group to participate in this process.

Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.

Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied the Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room, spreading her arms to the sides, and to everyone else to pull her in the direction of their decision and persuade her to do just that.

A serious fight flared up, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it.

But the main action happened very quickly - the girl literally screamed: "I won't give it up for anything!" and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly. Since the decision was made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she felt.

Surprised, she admitted that she felt very well, and the ball is now in her heart.“But,” she added, it's not likely to last long. I suffered so much, and went to a psychoanalyst. And here in an hour ... Most likely it will all come back ...

I invited her to sit down and imagine that young man again.

– What do you feel now?

- Strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I do not suffer.

Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?

Yes, now I can!

and saidreferring to the image of a young man:

- I release you and wish you happiness regardless of me.

She saw how the image of a young man was moving away and melting, and this made her feel even better.

Now I offered her my interpretation: "The blue ball is your heart. It was given to a young man." I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, so she was in apathy. Now that her heart is in place, she can not suffer and let go of this person, while maintaining warm feelings for him.

So Pushkin, in his famous poem, said goodbye to his beloved: "I loved you, love still, perhaps."

T how almost all situations are arrangedwith emotional dependency. We are always talking about the fact that, along with the loss of a beloved object, "break away" from a person andthose investments, which he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional "dividends".

He feels a loss, a part of his soul is lost.

He cannot create new relationships because there is nothing more to invest.

But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued.

If the other person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional bond is established between them, providing a good basis for creating a family. When both sides of the process make mutual investments, then this ensures their happiness, they have not only a favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.

Moreover, with them are those investments that the "opposite side" made in them. It is pleasant for everyone to realize that he is dear to a loved one, that he is trying for you.

Of course, one cannot say that the heart of one individual really moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it.

But it is not in vain that lovers so often say that they have given their heart to the one they love. As the poets write: "My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below..."

In subjective reality, something is possible that does not occur objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of the individual. If the subject has committed in his subjective world the introduction (the term "projection" is also suitable) of some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence.

He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of the personality are firmly attached to another.

Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to the object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for this individual, this was called cathexis.

In his famous work "Melancholia" Freud says that the work of grief is that the libido is gradually taken away from the beloved but lost object. But he did not indicate that this libido fixation makes sense as an investment in the future.

And this is very important!In essence, this is a new theory of love.

Fixation does not occur because the object simply liked, the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But there is no decisive choice, the subject does not "bet" on this particular person.

If he makes a bet , then this means that he firmly binds his fate, your happiness, your future with this person.

He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams in the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, the birth and upbringing of children, an interesting life together, the approval of society, etc.

No wonder lovers ask each other: "Do you love me?", "Won't you stop loving me?" and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are "profitable" and reliable, and that they will also be invested in them.

Moreover, I have found in therapeutic practice that investment controls sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear - attraction disappears.

Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers".

A young man approached me.

“I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. For two years I was depressed, I abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything. I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife like my first, everything seems to me first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help myself.

- This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't released her yet.

– No, I have already suffered mine. I've been through it all in two years.

And we can easily check this.

How is that?

- But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?

- Never mind. I don't care.

- Then you can easily tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life!

- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.

- Well, this means that you are addicted.

I explained the theory of investment to him and asked him to find an image of those feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

– Are these your flowers?

– Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave her.

“Take them away and let them enter your body where they want to go.

- This bouquet entered my chest, I felt so good. The energy is back. Somehow it is easier to breathe, and the hands themselves rise. I couldn't raise my hands after she left.

- Now look at this woman again (pointing to a chair).

- Strange, now it's just a woman, of whom there are millions.

- Can you now tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life."

Yes, it's easy now.

“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.

– I speak and see how her image is removed and reduced. Completely disappeared, and even better. Now look at your second wife.

Yes, now it's different.

- Then you can give her a bouquet. However, as you wish.

- No, why...

He was obviously in a hurry, and after a short farewell he went home.

The return of the invested "capitals" back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of relations has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other well-known psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the feelings or parts of the personality lost by the subject, otherwise everyone would have known about this for a long time. It is quite understandable why such methods were not created.

Only the technology of emotional-image therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present the invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return the lost resources.

It is practically impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.

Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is still inaccessible due to the fact that a method in which feelings can be moved as an object, you can identify with them, take them into your body or let go, contrary to their traditional notions.

Example 3. Golden lump.

A young man came to me to find out his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into a sexual relationship and were happy with each other. But the years went by, and it would be time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family. Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspiration was money and a career. The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but he could not free himself from his former feelings, could not resist her perseverance, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could already support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend.

At first I thought that it just speaks resentment, pride. Maybe you should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reconnect with her?

But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence.

He was convinced of the girl's low morality and believed that she was manipulating him.

He doesn't could not understand how she could have neglected his wonderful feelings before to hurt him so much. He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations.

The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what to do.

At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had not the slightest intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.

Following the theoretical notions that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological "capitals" that this subject "invested" in a loved one, I suggested to the client create an image of these feelings in front of you.

After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with a balloon above.

We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with these feelings.

After that, I suggested that the client absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, into himself again, as his energy.

At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he did not succeed.

Suddenly he found the solution himself:

– I have to enter this com myself! Because he is bigger than me.

- Well, do it.

In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that the previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden radiant aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hung somewhere to the side.

– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can send them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?

How do you feel about this girl now?

“You know, I really don’t care now. I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to take revenge. I'm really free.

- We should meet again to make sure that the result is really sustainable. Maybe some tweaking is needed.

No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again. He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he did not call again.

A comment:

This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that the subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of their feelings really return them to themselves, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.

Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom a relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and / or actually) said goodbye and released.

However, it’s not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were presented, with whom they are connected.

Before you let go, you must return your "investment", otherwise nothing will work.

Sometimes this happens in some spontaneous way, but for the most part, the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.

Often psychotherapists suggest mentally tearing or cutting the connecting thread, mentally driving away the former spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since people are connected not by threads, but by feelings, then for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.

The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visual image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything.

There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive him away, does not refuse him. However, after that it is quite possible to let go of an object that is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.

However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist will encourage him to do, and this creates new difficulties and features of the work.

The therapist needs to learn how to overcome or circumvent the client's resistance on the path to his release.

Example 4. "Fearful dove".

The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything indicated that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.

I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she "invested" in her beloved, and which she lost with his departure.

She immediately replied that it was a dove.I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? ABOUTshe confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.

Why not?

Because I'm clipping his wings.

– Why are you doing this?

- Well, of course, so that he does not fly away.

This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it would still belong to her. And also the fact that the more you hold someone captive, the more he breaks out.

All this has been explained, but since the criterion of truth is experience, I suggested to her for the sake of experiment explain to the pigeon that the girl will no longer clip his wings.

This statement had an effect, the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid.

No assurances from the girl, to which I pushed her, did not help.

This is the second difficulty. Carefully observing the words and intonations of the client, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the dove.

She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might lead her feelings again.

The same fear made her clip the dove's wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.

Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically declare to the pigeon that she herself would no longer be afraid of him.

The girl was surprised, because she was convinced that it was the dove who was afraid of her.

Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.

She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much more deeply and freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.

Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free of him.

Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she was no longer suffering and not addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and stability of this result.

A comment:

In this example, we have analyzed two possible difficulties which can be encountered when returning invested feelings:

1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which she loses confidence in him (in himself);

2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc.

There is an internal split and fear of unsuccessful control over oneself.

From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of insecurity in himself, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities.

He sometimes resists being freed from the addiction he complains about because he fears that he will make new mistakes when he is free, or that he will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.

The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with slight modifications of the technique, we call it extensions of the area of ​​application of the method, but more simply, the extension of the method.

Method extension:

1. Emotional dependence and psychosomatics

Emotional dependence can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of dependence, but as a somatic ailment, with which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not give any results.

Here are two examples showing how this can happen:

Example 5. "Spider on the back".

At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work.

The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe back pain, this prevented her from sleeping normally, her back hurt in any position. She sought help from doctors, but they could not help her.

I invited her to imagine the image of this pain.

She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back..

Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man. It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she is trying to save him from this addiction, but she cannot do anything.

She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him.

We tried various tricks to get rid of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to get her out of this emotional dependency.

She understood that she still would not be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason "could not" let him go.

Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: "Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere, where, perhaps, he is not going?"

Answering for him, the girl realized that he really didn’t need it at all, and therefore he resisted.

Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the back pain disappeared at the same moment. On the same evening, she broke off all relations with the drug addict.

After some time, she met another man, got married, had a baby, lives happily ever after. Since then, her back has never (at least for the next 4 years) never hurt.

She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.

A comment:

It is clear that breaking off the relationship is a student could not from a falsely understood sense of duty in front of this young man, she hoped for some miracle and was afraid to be responsible for his further fall.

Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were offered to her initially.

After answering the proposed question on behalf of the "spider", she realized that he did not need to be saved, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for this.

She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will. Such immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any of the therapist's arguments, allowed her to let go of this person, to stop being indebted to him and to strain her back to save him.

Therefore, the back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really part with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, really give up a false sense of duty. On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other hand, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty.

But it is important to understand that the realization of the senselessness of her "feat" led to disappointment, respectively, the girl immediately took her investment, one might say, automatically.

Example 6. "25 years of heartache".

A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic pain in her heart, she had to stop from time to time on the way to rest. Periodically, she became so ill from a heart spasm that she feared for her life. These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life.

His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and fully recovered.

I invited her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing.

The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart condition was related to that old psychological trauma.

- It can't be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I have long calmed down.

“Well then, it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.

- Yes, I let him go, but he does not leave.

- Well, try again.

Still, he doesn't disappear.

- So you once gave him something very valuable to you and have not returned it until now. Can you imagine what it looks like?

– This is my wounded bloodied heart.

Is that really your heart?

- Yes, of course, mine!

“Are you willing to return it to your body so that it falls into place?”

- Yes, but he has such a wound, I'm afraid that it will make me feel bad.

– No, when you accept it, then only then can you cure it. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you will no longer hurt him.

- Yes, it has entered its place and gradually heals.

“Tell me when it heals completely.

- Yes, it's already healed. I somehow felt better.

“Now look back at the blade.

- And he is no more! He himself disappeared.

A comment:

From this case, it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

Expansion 2. Emotional addiction and confluence

Many cases of dependence are determined by early fusion with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case.

Most often this happens with girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the feelings of another person, not knowing how to feel himself a separate being and how to stand on his own two feet.

The trouble is that he does not even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it somehow immoral, a betrayal of his mother.

At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feeling guilty about her etc.

It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly met with these difficult cases.

Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the technique of emotional-image therapy already described shows great promise.

P example 7. "Merge with Mom".

A woman, about 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at the workshop:

Her whole life was permeated with a sense of her insignificance and dependence in her feelings and decisions on her mother. Mother's needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that mother would die caused the idea that one could not live after that.

Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. . She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong. The main line of work was aimed at helping a woman to realize what part of her personality did she hand over to her mother when she was a child and why?

It turned out that it was her little baby heart and despite the certainty that this is the heart her, she experienced great difficulties in order to return him to herself. Finally, she returned this heart to her body, immediately her train of thought changed.

She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, is a separate person from her, her mother has her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother has her own character and her own delusions.

But most of all, she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.

As she mastered this new subjective reality that opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of.

Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, which was new and wonderful.

A comment:

Thus, the return on investment method can be effective in the case of confluence as well.

In the case of a merger, other techniques can be used and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the form of an egg, a bag, a vat or a cave inside which he is located) - he refuses to be born.

Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, traditional methods of symbol drama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.

We inform the client that then it is he who holds the mother's womb with which he naturally agrees.

After that, we invite him to let go of the womb, referring to its image with the appropriate words.

If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.

Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."

At the seminar, I suggested that the group members do a mental exercise, enter the "Health" circle, the reactions were different, but mostly positive.

However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some vat, in immobile anemic state, tried to get out, eventually saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.

I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother.

To which she replied that both were true.

"You should let go of your mother and her womb," I advised, "because only you are holding them, not they you. But this will require a lot of work. We will deal with this later if you want."

After that, I moved on to discussing the impressions of other members of the group.

After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to walk back and forth in excitement within the circle of the group.

Naturally, I asked what was happening to her and whether she wanted to discuss her problem?

She replied that she had already taken my advice and, that she will do everything herself.

I continued to work with the group, and the girl either walked in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her seat.

At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.

A comment:

This case illustrates another addiction release technique, where the client releases the object they think is holding it.

For example, an individual sometimes claims to be "in prison" and cannot get out of it no matter how hard he tries. Then he is invited to release his prison!

The prison collapses and the client is set free. Then he realizes that he created his own prison.

But when he releases the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in this object and automatically returns them to himself.

This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one.

First, return the lost parts of the personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away violence), then this will be the criterion for the success of work on the return of investments.

If, however, it is only possible to forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not really broken.

Extension 3. Dealing with fixation on the past and hopes for the future

Parable: The tiger chased the man. He ran away from him and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out of the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw that another tiger was waiting for him below. Then a small mouse ran out of the mink, next to the root, and began to gnaw on the root. When there was very little left for the root to break off, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He tore it off and ate it.

This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is full of suffering, there are only small joys.

However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past from which a man flees in terror, the second tiger is the future, which man always fears.

The root is the root of life, but small mouse - relentless time.

And here little strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he got into the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.

Because in the present there is neither past nor future, which means that there are no fears and sufferings, there is only beautiful present that can last forever.

Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, it is often necessary to simply return from the past or the future.

Example 9. "Return from the past".

The young man, who was a successful businessman, made a lot of money, but his firm did its job and was disbanded.

He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.

It turned out that he only thought about how good it was when he led a successful company.

He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then. I told him that he was apparently stuck in the past and asked what he had left there.

-"Yes, I'm all there." he exclaimed.

I suggested that he see himself in the past and bring this himself back here to the present. "

- "But he doesn't want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn't want to come back to me."

- "Explain to him, - I say, - that he is clinging to the illusion that this is already nothing. He lives in an illusory world, deceiving himself, but you can live here for real."

- "Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I felt good somehow. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile like that."

“Some people consider perseverance and holding onto something as signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes a lot more will to know when to let go and then do it.”
— Ann Landers

When we let go of something or someone, it does not mean that we no longer care about them. It just comes to the realization that the only thing we can really control is ourselves, right here, right now. It is a necessary process of adapting to the ever-changing realities of life - leaving the past behind in order to make way for the present.

Here are 50 quotes from various articles that will help you let go and start living happily.

1. As we get older and wiser, we begin to understand what we need and what we need to leave behind. Sometimes leaving is a step forward.

2. You will never achieve what you are capable of if you are too attached to things that you have to let go.

3. Sometimes there is something in our life that should not be delayed. Sometimes unwanted changes are necessary changes for our growth.

4. Growth and change can be painful sometimes, but the most painful thing in life is being out of place.

5. The hardest part of growing up is letting go of what you're used to and moving on with something new.

6. Accept what is, let go of what was, and believe in what can be.

7. Don't be afraid of change. There is a reason for everything. Deal with it. It won't be easy, but it's worth it.

9. Never let fear determine your future.

10. Fear is just a figment of your imagination. It can be difficult at times to decide to follow your heart, but you will make a huge mistake by letting your false fears stop you.

11. You can't wait forever for the perfect moment. Sometimes you need to let go of your doubts and take risks, because life is too short to wonder what could have been.

12. You are not the same person you were a year ago, last month or this week. You are constantly evolving. Nothing stands still. That is life.

13. One of the most enjoyable moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

14. Never force things. Do whatever is required of you and let life take its course. If something has to happen, it will happen. Don't attach yourself to what you can't control.

15. When you stop expecting people and events to be perfect, you can begin to appreciate them for who they are.

16. Live simply. Love with all your heart. Be sincere. Breathe deeply. Try your best. Leave everything else for something above us.

17. Giving up and letting go are two completely different things.

19. Giving up doesn't always mean showing weakness. Sometimes it just means that you are strong and smart enough to let go and move on.

20. Stop obsessing over your stress level and remember how lucky you are. Everything could be much worse.

21. Whatever upsets you, let it go! No need to accumulate negativity. Keep calm and have a positive outlook on life. Something good is bound to happen to you.

22. Some people cannot accept the fact that you are moving forward in life, and therefore they will try to cling to your common past. Don't condone their behavior. Keep moving on.

23. No matter what you do, someone will always be unhappy. So live by your principles and make sure that you yourself do not end up disappointed.

24. Love yourself! Forgive yourself! Accept yourself! You are you, this is the beginning and the end - and no regrets.

25. You are good enough, smart enough, and strong enough. You don't need someone else's approval to know that you are priceless.

26. One of the most liberating things that life teaches us is that we don't have to love everyone, everyone doesn't have to love us, and that's absolutely fine.

27. Try not to take too seriously what other people say about you. What they think and say is a reflection of themselves, not of you.

28. If you worry too much about what other people think of you, in some way, you will always be their prisoner.

29. Sometimes we expect more from others because we ourselves would do the same for them. Keep on loving. In the end, you will find out who deserves it.

30. Not everyone is able to appreciate what you do for them. You have to understand who is really worthy of your attention and who is just trying to take advantage of you.

31. To say yes to happiness, you must learn to say no to people and things that hurt you. Be wise to avoid negativity.

32. If you allow something, it will continue. It is better to be alone than to let negative people and their judgments influence your life.

33. If you feel that your ship is sinking, it may be time to drop everything that weighs you down. Let go of the people who make you sad and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.

34. Just because someone has been a part of your life for many years doesn't guarantee that there won't be a moment when you finally decide to let them go.

35. One of the most difficult tasks in life is to cut someone out of your heart.

36. You must understand that people come and go. That is life. Stop holding on to those who let you go a long time ago.

37. Sometimes we forgive others not because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it, because we ourselves need it, and because without it we can't let go and move on.

38. The one who asks for forgiveness first is the bravest. Whoever forgives first is the strongest. The happiest moves first.

39. Do not be sad about the past, it will not return. Don't worry about the future, it hasn't arrived yet. Try to live in the present and make it beautiful.

40. Be wise enough to let go when needed and strong enough to hold on when needed.

41. Do not let small troubles overshadow your happiness. True wealth is the ability to feel and appreciate every moment for what it brings.

42. Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself. Learn to accept and forgive. By letting go of yesterday's troubles, you are taking the first step towards happiness today.

43. Anxiety casts a big shadow on small things. In the end, you can either focus on what's tearing you apart or on something that helps you pull yourself together.

44. Old fears - down payments for problems you may never have. Release them. Today is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again.

45. Smile even when everything seems to be falling apart. Smiling doesn't always mean you're happy. Sometimes it just means that you are strong.

46. ​​There comes a time when you stop thinking about your mistakes and move on. No regrets - only life lessons that show you the way.

47. Remember good times, be strong in difficult times, love every moment, laugh more often, live honestly and be grateful for each new day.

48. You can't let one bad thing ruin a bunch of good times. Don't let the silly daily dramas confuse you.

49. If you are diligent and patient, everything that you really need in life will come to you at the right time.

50. In the end, everything will fall into place. Until then, learn as much as you can, laugh as often as you can, enjoy every moment and remember that it's worth it.

Copyright website © - Lea A.N.A.

And for girls, to forget, they can come up

Every time you wake up in the morning, you are a new person. What filled you yesterday and made you who you are may no longer fill you today. Although it is hard to believe, letting go of a person may be in the best interest of today's you. It is possible that the person you loved died, you just broke up with your loved one, you need to experience unrequited love, or you have nothing left to do with a friend. Letting go of a person can be the next step to happiness, and that's what really matters. Let's start.

Steps

How to let go of an ex

Give free rein to feelings. First of all, it's good to grieve. Emotions are a good thing. Crying is normal and healthy. It's good to be angry. Whatever you feel, these emotions are normal and need to be released. As soon as the period when you splash out your feelings and emotions passes, the process of recovery will begin. There is a certain clear process of letting go of a person and a process of splashing out feelings, when people can do strange things, like dye their hair in unusual colors, seize grief with tons of ice cream, and so on. Let it be.

• The first thing you are likely to feel is denial, followed by anger. At first, you will not feel what is happening real, and when you realize, the words that you exchanged will cause you anger and pain. So that worries about your breakup are not added to worries about how you deal with this breakup, just know how it happens. The emotions you experience are part of you. You are not crazy and you are not a bad person. You are just human.

1. Don't embellish the past. You may start to replay and relive the good times you had. In bed, they will spin in your brain like a broken record. But if the person came back to you, after 10 minutes you would think, “That's right. That's why we didn't succeed." It's just that when you experience such strong emotions, it's hard to remember all the bad things that you had. Remember that if you start thinking all the time about the good moments that were between you, you do not see the situation for what it really is.

2. Move away from the person as far as possible. Letting go is basically a euphemism for forgetting. When you just don't care about the person. This may sound a bit harsh, so another softer word was coined. In general, distancing yourself from a person is the only way to quickly forget him. Recall how you found a long-lost and forgotten shirt in the closet and said to yourself, “Oh my God! I loved this shirt so much! How could I forget that I even had it? Yeah. Out of sight, out of mind.

   • Of course, for many people this is much, much easier said than done. But you can try to limit the time you spend around this person. Use it as an excuse to pick up a new hobby, discover a new interesting place to have a good time, or hang out with new companies from time to time. Do not adjust your life to the person you are trying to forget, but think about your interests.

3. Don't push yourself into the background. After you get angry and sad and make a deal with the devil that you will never be together with this dumbass again, there will be several days or weeks that will seem like an eternity to you, when you will be perplexed how it happened and you will be seem like you are walking in a fog. You will want to distance yourself from everything, but you cannot afford it. You can not. For your own sake, for your better future, you must move forward.

   • This is the moment when you need to do what you want. You are in the foreground. Do whatever makes you happy (if it doesn't hurt, of course). Rock out. If you want the same ham sandwich as your colleague at work, go ahead. This is the time to live for yourself. Your mantra should now sound like “me, me, me.” Why? Because you are cool.

4. Don't blame the whole wide world. Soon it will become easier for you and the “I, I, I” phase will be replaced by the “I, you, I, you” phase and you do not need to be angry with everyone in the world. Just because you're jaded and cynical doesn't mean you're gaining experience. It's more like giving up positions. Try to see the good in people. It really is, you just need to look more closely.

   • Not all men are bastards and not all women are bitches. Maybe you're attracting bastards, but that's a whole other problem. Take a close look at the people around you and you will see that they are all different.

5. Don't let yourself wallow in negative thoughts. The beauty is that the brain is part of you and you can control your thought process. If you start thinking negative thoughts, you can stop those thoughts. As soon as bad thoughts start, you can remove them. Sometimes it's not so easy to do, but it's real.

   • Imagine that your bad thoughts are voiced by some cartoon character. For example, Donald Duck. Try saying in Donald Duck's voice, "I hate myself for being such an idiot." It's hard to take it seriously, isn't it?
   • Consciously keep your head high. This will give your body a signal that you are proud of yourself. When your head is down, your body begins to signal to your brain that you have something to be ashamed of and you will feel worse. Just raising your head can help change a lot.

6. Reach out to friends for support. Your support group is very important to you in this situation. They will help you get distracted and overcome problems. Do not be afraid to ask them for help, they probably also had similar situations!

   • Ask them to help you not dwell on the current situation. You need to talk about your feelings, but there must be some limit. Ask them to give you 15 minutes, but after that, do not engage in a detailed analysis of the situation and your regrets. They can help you not to wallow in your sorrows.

7. Find yourself and love yourself. The reality is that you are probably cool, and what happened was just a little misunderstanding. It is possible that you have been in a similar situation before and overcame it, why not now? If you managed to overcome it once, you will succeed the second time too. You are strong. You just forgot about it. Keep on living and you will overcome everything.

   • If you stop living a full life, you will not be able to get out of this situation. When you live (search for new opportunities, enjoy life, surround yourself with things and people that you like), the problem will go away on its own and you will not even notice how it happens. Think about who you were before. What did you like? What made you who you are? How good were you?

   How to let go of unrequited love

   1. Re-evaluate the subject of inspiration. This person has never appreciated you and does not deserve you to waste your time on him. It's not about the fact that he probably doesn't deserve you to spend time on him, it's not even discussed. Take for granted, no “ifs”, “buts” and “still”. Doesn't deserve a full stop. You deserve to have a person around who wants to see you, who appreciates you and who wants to take an active part in your life. Who does not want to, can fail.

      • Take the time to understand yourself better. Look at yourself as objectively as possible. Did your relationship seem reliable to you, because it only seemed to you, but in fact it was not so? Are you comforted by the guarantee that you will never get hurt in the absence of commitment in a relationship? If this has anything to do with the truth, these are your troubles that have nothing to do with the other person. This person is just an idol whom you endowed with certain features and deified.

   2. Think about your happiness. It doesn't matter if you fell in love with a married man or it's just a very strong passion, think about whether you and this person were as happy as you could be? Most likely no. Most likely, you just craved the relationship that you drew in your head. How much was real in these relations and how much was invented, fantasized, planned?

      • It is absolutely clear that this relationship did not live up to your expectations and needs, otherwise you would not want it to end. Remember this. Realize it. These relationships are not what you need, but they will be replaced by relationships that will be truly yours. Only in order for these relationships to come, you must break with these. Well, that is exactly what you are reading this article for. What do I need to do? See step 1.

   3. Don't live with expectations. Life is too short not to live in the moment. The person with whom you are unrequitedly in love enjoys life, why can't you cut him out of your life and do the same? It will be fair. This does not mean that you need to quickly start a new relationship. This means that you need to communicate with people and do everything in your power to enjoy life.

      • Don't wait for things to change. You will be waiting for a very, very long time. Strictly speaking, you can understand how events will develop in the future by looking at how they developed in the past. Since your relationship ended in a breakup, why do you think it won't happen again? So it is, everything will happen again.
      • Most likely, deep down in your heart, you understand that this is the way it is. You realize that your relationship wasn't perfect and you realize that it makes more sense for you to break up (after all, that's why you're reading this article). If you have such thoughts, do not suppress them and let them command at least a few hours a day. May they protect you from pain. They will tell you what is best for you: a bachelorette party, daily long runs or a vacation that you have been dreaming of for so long. Whatever it is, write it down in your diary.

   4. Keep him at a distance. Now that you've decided to keep your mental distance, you need to keep your physical distance too. The only way to stop internal torment is to keep him at a distance from you. If it's realistic to do it (for example, if he's not your work colleague), do it. The process of weaning from a person will go much, much faster.

      • It doesn't give you an excuse to stay at home instead of going out with friends, going to the gym or going to class. But it gives you the right to change your usual schedule. Do you always go to the same cafe? Find something new. A specific gym? Come there at another time. Gosh, find yourself a brand new hobby!

   5. Be direct. If you see a person, he will ask you questions. You should not invent reasons why you avoid it, everything will be sewn with white thread anyway. It is best to tell the truth, but very diplomatically.

      • No one knows the situation better than you and no one can explain it better. No one can argue with "I need some time to figure out what's best for me." If he doesn’t like it, all the more you need to leave him (or run away) as soon as possible.

   6. Don't blame yourself. This is not your defeat. That's life. It happens to everyone and you know what? You will learn from this. You survived the previous breakup and will survive this one. You didn't do anything wrong. What you did seemed right to you before. That's all you can do.

      • It is useless to dream about what would have happened if you had done something wrong, said something wrong. You are who you are, and if it doesn't work out for you, then that's how it should have been. Trying to remake yourself is an exhausting process that will only lead to fatigue and resentment. It is foolish to blame yourself for being who you are! What else can you be?

   7. Focus on yourself. The time has come for you. This is important not only for you, but also for your future relationships. No one will succeed without realizing who they really are. This does not mean that they are selfish; it means you are logical.

      • What do you like? Come up with at least 5 things and do them over the next 2 weeks. Eventually there will come a time when you let go of the person and you don't even notice it. You will be too busy with the life you are living to notice. When you realize that many months have passed without you thinking about this person, you will feel very, very good.

   How to let go of a dead person

   1. Learn not to regret anything. When a loved one dies, we are suddenly overwhelmed with remorse about things we should have done and didn't do, should have said but didn't, or said but shouldn't have said. It can no longer be returned or redone, and these remorse only lead to more suffering. Wouldn't the person who left want you to be happy?

      • Regret is often associated with the process of forgiving oneself. Unfortunately, there is no manual that explains how to forgive yourself and the only thing you can do is remember that you are human. You are human and you loved the way you could. Now is the time to focus on the present.

   2. Allow yourself to grieve. The five stages of bereavement grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, you need to understand that everyone experiences grief in different ways. And yet you need to go through this process, maybe by hugging your favorite teddy bear and flooding it with tears, hiding in a corner or running until you pass out. Eventually, it will get better.

      • How others think it is right to experience grief is their own business. How you think it is necessary and right to do it - that's what matters to you and nothing more. Anything that is not dangerous (alcohol, drugs, etc.) is normal.

   3. Don't grieve alone. At the moment, you and your loved ones must unite. Sometimes, when you experience grief not alone, but together with loved ones, grief is felt less acutely. The combined efforts will help a faster recovery process.

      • If you feel like you're the only one experiencing the grief of losing that person, just the company of other people can help. Even if just someone will hold your hand, you will feel that you are not alone. That everything will work out. Seek support from people around you, whoever they are.

   4. Rediscover yourself. At some point in the past, when you existed without this relationship, you were a different person. And this person still exists. You just need to find it again. You can revive it if you put in the effort.

      • Connect with people and things from the past. What filled you before? What made you alive? What is it that you like to do all the time? And the last, most important question: Is there a better time to do this than now?

   5. Look to the future. The only reason why it seems gloomy to you is because you are wearing dark glasses. There is as much hope in the future as there was 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years ago. It all depends on what you do with your future. Instead of dwelling on the past, think about the future. What will it bring?

      • When you hold on to the past, you have no room left inside for the future. You may be missing out on a whole sea of ​​possibilities. Would your loved one like it? To find love, you must give and receive it. You cannot do this if you are completely immersed in what was in the past.

   6. Write a formal breakup letter. Write in it everything that has never been said. Make the letter positive by focusing on all the good things that happened and the joy it brought into your life.

      • You can decide what to do with this letter. You can keep it close to your heart, send it in a bottle to float across the sea or ocean, or burn it and watch the smoke go up into the sky.

   7. Remember that there will come a time when you let the person go. Will come. Not "may come", not "may come". Will come. You must know and be firmly convinced that this will be the case. For some, it will take longer, but it will eventually happen. In the meantime...relax. Let time do its thing. Time will heal all wounds.

      • When this starts to happen, you may not even notice. There will be such changes in you that you will not even remember what you were before. Maybe this is already happening. Maybe you're just standing too close to the painting to see the details. Could it be? Stupid question. Yes. Yes maybe.

   How to let go of destructive friendships

   1. Be as positive as possible about this."There are no bad and good things, our thoughts make them so." The friendships you're about to give up aren't necessarily bad. Your refusal simply speaks of your maturity and seriousness. This suggests that you have found your path in life and this path will not intersect with your friend's path. That's all. This does not mean that you are betraying a friend or that you are not ready to compromise. You do what you have to do.

      • Every experience and every relationship has its value. However, some people should be part of our past, not our destiny. And that's okay! Be grateful for the experience you have, as it helps you grow. He helped you become the wonderful person you are today.
      Move away from him. Sometimes, when something is taken away from people, they begin to want it even more. Your friend may start calling even more often than before. Even if he starts to say that he realized his mistakes, do not believe. You need to step back from the situation, analyze the situation and understand what is really happening.
      • The same goes for your friend. If he wants to talk about it, just tell him. You both need some time not to see each other to understand how you feel without each other. To understand what the picture is, you need to move away from it a little. If a few weeks go by and you feel like you want to see him and your friend feels the same way, take your time. Sometimes people learn from mistakes.

   2. Know what you want to find in future friendships. It's terrible to get rid of one friend in order to find his exact copy. So when you make a new friend or company, how do you want them to be? What do you value in others?

      • You may need to do some introspection to do this. What did you like about your friend that kept you together? What do you need that you did not receive in this friendship? What three qualities should your friend have?

   3. Focus on what needs to be changed. Your friend is a person with his own qualities and habits. No matter how hard you try, you can't change it. And that's okay. He is who he is, and you are who you are. There is no crime in this. But since it cannot be changed, it is not worth wasting your energy on it. Focus on what needs to change to make you a happier person.

      • The people around you can change. Your outlook may change. Your needs may be different. As you grow, focus on these things. Your life will become much clearer if you are in harmony with yourself.
   • Returning thoughts to the past is always painful, but there comes a time when you need to clean your memory, remove everything unnecessary from there and thereby open new doors.
   • Give yourself time to grieve after the loss of a loved one, but then start a new life, discover a path that is only yours. Make new friends and do things that interest you. Starting a new life alone will not be easy at first, but this new path can bring you joy and fulfillment.
   • Remember that there is no set time for dealing with the loss of a loved one. Do not feel guilty if you want to go out with someone to a restaurant 4 or 6 months after the death of a spouse or spouse. Everyone has their own path and their own time to recover and feel that you can start a new life. You are obliged to continue to live for the sake of the departed loved one, and when and how you do this is up to you.
   • Letting go doesn't always mean letting go. Letting go sometimes means continuing to be with the person, caring for them, but not letting them empty you, hurt you, or stop you from living your life.
   • You also need to love yourself and believe in yourself no matter what. Know that everything happens for a reason and people come in and out of our lives all the time, so it's not worth suffering for the rest of your life. You must also know that there is a new person waiting for you around the corner, your person.

The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional dependence is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality "invested" in the object of dependence. These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back through the method of emotional-image therapy, which leads to instant and complete freedom from addiction.

Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using this method are given. The possibilities of extending the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.

Emotional dependency is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.

Moreover, the subject of this dependence:

1. Experiencing suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to inadequate power of the object over him;

2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;

3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic negative impact on the life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.

There are a lot of options for emotional addictions. This may be a love addiction to a specific person with whom the relationship has ceased or, on the contrary, cannot be terminated.

Maybe it is an addiction to the feeling of love itself (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. It can be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will "disappear" without her, and she will feel guilty.

It can be an addiction based on a feeling of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.

This may be dependence on the mother (or other person) with whom an emotional fusion (confluence) has taken place. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.

This may be dependence based on a sense of one's own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that she is psychologically still in the womb and afraid to face the real world.

This may be an emotional dependence on a person who has already died, with whom the subject has not been able to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on a terrible or, conversely, a beautiful past in which this subject still lives. This may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.

The subject may suffer for years from a feeling that makes him addicted, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigned to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it. Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to a state of independence, and later, if he wants, to a state of interdependence.

The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. One would think that both individuals would now become each other's slaves. But, it means that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining sense of coercion and limitation of opportunities.

Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. Well, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup, a young man can say with the words of a cheerful song: "If the bride goes to another, then it is not known who was lucky."

Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: "So don't get you to anyone!" or "Did you pray before bed, Desdemona?" or with a depressive meaning: "My life is over." Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a wound of the heart, and this is a lot of hard work. But…

Using the EOT method, we managed to find some quick and effective ways to solve a number of the problems listed above, to achieve a state of independence by an individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence. I'll start with an example.

Example 1. "Blue ball".

At a seminar that I gave at an institute for third-year students, a student offered to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.

Every day she only thought about "him", she lived purely mechanically, she was not really interested in anything, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.

To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was in the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest.

Further, following the main scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine the image of this feeling on the same chair where the young man had “sat” earlier. She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which definitely belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw this ball away, but she could not do it, because, according to her, then she just kind of died.

Already at this stage, the structure of the impasse in which it was located became obvious. She clearly wanted to repress the feelings that she suffered from, but at the same time she did not want to lose them.

Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto a young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, therefore she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. This same projection created a powerful attraction to regain that blue orb.

Then I suggested that she try both options in turn to get out of the impasse:

1. Throw the ball out completely;

2. Accept it as part of your personality.

After that, it was possible to make sure which action would suit her best. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.

In order to shake this rigid system, I invited the members of the group to participate in this process. Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.

Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied the Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room, spreading her arms to the sides, and to everyone else to pull her in the direction of their decision and persuade her to do just that.

A serious fight flared up, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally screamed: "I won't give it back for anything!" - and rushed to the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.

Since the decision was made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she felt. Surprised, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.

I invited her to sit down and imagine that young man again.

– What do you feel now?

- Strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I do not suffer.

Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?

Yes, now I can. (referring to the image of a young man). I release you and wish you happiness regardless of me.

She saw how the image of a young man was moving away and melting, and this made her feel even better.

Now I offered her my interpretation: "The blue ball is your heart. It was given to a young man." I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, so she was in apathy.

Now that her heart is in place, she can not suffer and let go of this person, while maintaining warm feelings for him. So Pushkin, in his famous poem, said goodbye to his beloved: "I loved you, love still, perhaps."

After this explanation, another girl said:

- I understood. I had the same thing, eight years. I kept him psychologically all the time, tormented myself, tormented others, could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.

In a fit of feelings, she jumped up on a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted and she was free too.

The workshop ended with a general discussion.

A week later I met the first girl again at the seminar, her face was shining, she said:

- Thank you very much. For the first time, I had a happy week.

I watched her until the end of the semester, everything was fine. At the last lesson, she said that she no longer suffered, but she had happy memories of that love.

A comment. Later, I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence are arranged. We are always talking about the fact that along with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in him in the hope of receiving emotional "dividends" are "torn off" from a person. He feels a loss, a part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because there is nothing more to invest.

But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued. If the other person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional bond is established between them, providing a good basis for creating a family. When both sides of the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.

Moreover, with them are those investments that the "opposite side" made in them. It is pleasant for everyone to realize that he is dear to a loved one, that he is trying for you.

This idea became the basis of a whole series of successful works on overcoming emotional dependence. Of course, one cannot say that the heart of one individual really moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it. But it is not in vain that lovers so often say that they have given their heart to the one they love.

As the poets write: "My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below..." In subjective reality, it is possible that something that does not happen objectively, however, has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.

If the subject has made in his subjective world the introduction (the term "projection" is also suitable) of some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of the personality are firmly attached to another.

Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to the object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for this individual, this was called cathexis.

In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that the libido is gradually taken away from the beloved but lost object.

But he did not indicate that this fixation of the libido was worth an investment in the future. And this is very important! In essence, this is a new theory of love. Fixation does not occur because the object simply liked, the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But there is no decisive choice, the subject does not "bet" on this particular person.

If he makes a "bet", then this means that he firmly binds his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams in the future, hoping for a long life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, the birth and upbringing of children, an interesting life together, the approval of society, etc.

No wonder lovers ask each other: "Do you love me?", "Won't you stop loving me?" and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are "profitable" and reliable, and that they will also be invested in them. Moreover, I have found in therapeutic practice that investment controls sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear - attraction disappears.

Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers".

A young man approached me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. For two years I was depressed, abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything.

Then I managed, I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife like the first, everything seems to me first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help myself.”

- This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't released her yet.

– No, I have already suffered mine. I've been through it all in two years.

And we can easily check this.

- How is that?

- But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?

- Never mind. I don't care.

- Then you can easily tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life!

- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.

- Well, this means that you are addicted.

I explained the theory of investment to him and asked him to find an image of those feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

– Are these your flowers?

- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave her.

“Take them away and let them enter your body where they want to go.

- This bouquet entered my chest, I felt so good. The energy is back. Somehow it is easier to breathe, and the hands themselves rise. I couldn't raise my hands after she left.

- Now look at this woman again (pointing to a chair).

- Strange, now it's just a woman, of whom there are millions.

- Can you now tell her: "Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life."

Yes, it's easy now.

“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.

– I speak and see how her image is removed and reduced. Completely disappeared, and even better.

Now look at your second wife.

Yes, now it's different.

- Then you can give her a bouquet. However, as you wish.

- No, why...

He was obviously in a hurry, and after a short farewell he went home.

The return of the invested "capitals" back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of relations has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other well-known psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the feelings or parts of the personality lost by the subject, otherwise everyone would have known about this for a long time.

It is quite understandable why such methods were not created. Only the technology of emotional-image therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present the invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return the lost resources. It is practically impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.

Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is still inaccessible due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, you can identify with them, take them into your body or release them, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us use one more example to explain how this idea works within the framework of EOT.

Example 3. Golden lump.

A young man came to me to find out his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into a sexual relationship and were happy with each other. But the years went by, and it would be time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.

Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with her former lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspiration was money and a career.

The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but he could not free himself from his former feelings, could not resist her perseverance, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could already support his family, but did not want to connect his life with his ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that it just speaks resentment, pride. Maybe you should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reconnect with her?

But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl's low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand how she could have previously neglected his wonderful feelings, caused him such pain.

He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what to do.

At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had not the slightest intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.

Following the theoretical notions that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological "capitals" that this subject "invested" in a loved one, I suggested that the client create an image of these feelings in front of him.

After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with a balloon above. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with these feelings.

After that, I suggested that the client absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, into himself again, as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he did not succeed. Suddenly he found the solution himself:

“I have to enter this coma myself!” Because he is bigger than me.

- Well, do it.

In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that the previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden radiant aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hung somewhere to the side.

– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?

How do you feel about this girl now?

“You know, I really don’t care now. I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to take revenge. I'm really free.

- We should meet again to make sure that the result is really sustainable. Maybe some tweaking is needed.

No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.

He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he did not call again.

A comment.This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that the subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, really return them to himself, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.

Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom a relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and / or actually) said goodbye and released. However, it’s not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were presented, with whom they are connected.

Before you let go, you must return your "investment", otherwise nothing will work. Sometimes this happens in some spontaneous way, but for the most part, the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.

Often psychotherapists suggest mentally tearing or cutting the connecting thread, mentally driving away the former spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since it is not the threads that bind people, but the feelings, then for the most part the solution does not occur, or this solution is partial and unstable.

The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visual image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive him away, does not refuse him. However, after that it is quite possible to let go of an object that is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.

However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist will encourage him to do, and this creates new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist needs to learn how to overcome or circumvent the client's resistance on the path to his release.

Example 4. "Fearful dove".

The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything indicated that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.

I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she "invested" in her beloved, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.

I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the dove, which she clearly imagined, was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.

Why not?

Because I'm clipping his wings.

– Why are you doing this?

- Well, of course, so that he does not fly away.

This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it would still belong to her. And also the fact that the more you hold someone captive, the more he breaks out.

All this was explained, but since the criterion of truth is experience, I suggested that, for the sake of experiment, she explain to the dove that the girl would no longer clip his wings. This statement had an effect, the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. No assurances from the girl, to which I pushed her, did not help. This is the second difficulty.

Carefully observing the words and intonations of the client, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the dove. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might lead her feelings again. The same fear made her clip the dove's wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.

Then I suggested that the girl, paradoxically, declare to the pigeon that she herself would no longer be afraid of him. The girl was surprised, because she was convinced that it was the dove who was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.

She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much more deeply and freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.

Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free of him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she was no longer suffering and not addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and stability of this result.

A comment.In this example, we have analyzed two more possible difficulties that may be encountered when returning invested feelings:

1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which she loses confidence in him (in himself);

2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is an internal split and fear of unsuccessful control over oneself.

From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of insecurity in himself, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists being freed from the addiction he complains about because he fears that he will make new mistakes when he is free, or that he will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.

The method can be applied to a number of other tasks, with minor modifications of the technique, we call it extensions of the area of ​​application of the method, or more simply, extension of the method.

Method extension 1. Emotional dependence and psychosomatics

Emotional dependence can give rise to psychosomatic symptoms, which the individual regards not as a consequence of dependence, but as a somatic ailment, with which he sometimes seeks medical help, but the latter does not give any results. Here are two examples showing how this can happen.

Example 5. "Spider on the back."

At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe back pain, this prevented her from sleeping normally, her back hurt in any position. She sought help from doctors, but they could not help her.

I invited her to imagine the image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man.

It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she is trying to save him from this addiction, but she cannot do anything. She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him. We tried various tricks to get rid of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to get her out of this emotional dependency.

She understood that she still would not be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason "could not" let him go. Then I suggested that she answer on behalf of the spider to the question: "Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere, where, perhaps, he is not going to?"

Answering for him, the girl realized that he really didn’t need it at all, and therefore he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the back pain disappeared at the same moment. On the same evening, she broke off all relations with the drug addict.

After some time, she met another man, got married, had a baby, lives happily ever after. Since then, her back has never (at least for the next 4 years) never hurt. She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.

A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off relations out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man, she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid to be responsible for his further fall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were offered to her initially.

After answering the proposed question on behalf of the "spider", she realized that he did not need to be saved, and his further fall was predetermined by his own desire, she was not responsible for this. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.

Such immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any of the therapist's arguments, allowed her to let go of this person, to stop being indebted to him and to strain her back to save him. Therefore, the back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really part with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, really give up a false sense of duty.

On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other hand, it is a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the senselessness of her "feat" led to disappointment, respectively, the girl immediately took her investment, one might say, automatically.

Example 6. "25 years of heartache".

A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic pain in her heart, she had to stop from time to time on the way to rest. Periodically, she became so ill from a heart spasm that she feared for her life.

These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and fully recovered.

I invited her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart condition was related to that old psychological trauma.

- It can't be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I have long calmed down.

“Well then, it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.

- Yes, I let him go, but he does not leave.

- Well, try again.

Still, he doesn't disappear.

- So you once gave him something very valuable to you and have not returned it until now. Can you imagine what it looks like?

“This is my wounded bloody heart.

Is that really your heart?

- Yes, of course, mine!

“Are you willing to return it to your body so that it falls into place?”

- Yes, but he has such a wound, I'm afraid that it will make me feel bad.

– No, when you accept it, then only then can you cure it. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you will no longer hurt him.

- Yes, it has entered its place and gradually heals.

“Tell me when it heals completely.

- Yes, it's already healed. I somehow felt better.

“Now look back at the blade.

A comment. From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

Expansion 2. Emotional addiction and confluence

Many cases of dependence are determined by early fusion with the mother, but not only with the mother, although in practice this is the most common case. Most often this happens with girls. An adult is still a small child, feeling with the feelings of another person, not knowing how to feel himself a separate being and how to stand on his own two feet.

The trouble is that he does not even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it somehow immoral, a betrayal of his mother.

At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels guilty before her, etc. .d.

It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly met with these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the technique of emotional-image therapy already described shows great promise.

Example 7. "Merge with mother".

A woman in her 35s with a child of her own made the following request at the workshop. Her whole life was permeated with a sense of her insignificance and dependence in her feelings and decisions on her mother.

Mother's needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that mother would die caused the idea that one could not live after that. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong.

The main line of work was aimed at helping a woman to realize what part of her personality she once in her childhood handed over to her mother and why? It turned out that it was her little baby heart and, despite the certainty that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulties in order to return it to herself.

Finally, she returned this heart to her body, immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, is a separate person from her, her mother has her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother has her own character and her own delusions. But most of all, she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.

As she mastered this new subjective reality that opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, which was new and wonderful.

A comment. Thus, the return on investment method can be effective in the case of confluence as well.

In the case of a merger, other techniques can be used and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the form of an egg, a bag, a vat or a cave inside which he is), he seems to refuse to be born.

Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, traditional methods of symbol drama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.

We inform the client that he is holding the mother's womb, with which he, of course, agrees. After that, we invite him to let go of the womb, referring to its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.

Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."

At the seminar, I suggested that the group members do a mental exercise, enter the "Health" circle, the reactions were different, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, tried to get out, eventually saw herself in the sea, but was also in an anemic state.

I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both were true. "You should let go of your mother and her womb," I advised, "because only you are holding them, not they you. But this will require a lot of work. We will deal with this later if you want."

After that, I moved on to discussing the impressions of other members of the group. After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to walk back and forth in excitement within the circle of the group. Naturally, I asked what was happening to her and whether she wanted to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything herself.

I continued to work with the group, and the girl either walked in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her seat. At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.

A comment.This case illustrates another addiction release technique, where the client releases the object they think is holding it. For example, an individual sometimes claims to be "in prison" and cannot get out of it no matter how hard he tries. Then he is invited to release his prison!

The prison collapses and the client is set free. Then he realizes that he created his own prison. But when he releases the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in this object and automatically returns them to himself.

This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of the personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away violence), then this will be the criterion for the success of work on the return of investments. If, however, it is only possible to forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not really broken.

Extension 3. Dealing with fixation on the past and hopes for the future

The tiger chased the man. He ran away from him and fell into the abyss, caught on some root sticking out of the mountainside, and hung on it. Looking down, he saw that another tiger was waiting for him below.

Then a small mouse ran out of the mink, next to the root, and began to gnaw on the root. When there was very little left for the root to break off, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He tore it off and ate it.

This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is full of suffering, there are only small joys.

However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the inexorable time. But a small strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he got to the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.

Because in the present there is neither past nor future, which means that there are no fears and sufferings, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, it is often necessary to simply return from the past or the future.

Example 9. "Return from the past".

The young man, who was a successful businessman, made a lot of money, but his firm did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.

It turned out that he only thought about how good it was when he led a successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.

I told him that he was apparently stuck in the past and asked what he had left there. "Yes, I'm all there." he exclaimed. I suggested that he see himself in the past and bring this himself back here to the present. "But he doesn't want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn't want to come back to me."

“Explain to him,” I say, “that he is clinging to the illusion that this is nothing. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can live here for real.”

"Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I felt good somehow. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile like that." This went on and on, he came again to check and made sure that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.

Our feelings are not always mutual. Or love can bring more suffering than joy. If you are in a cage of your own experiences, the best solution is to understand how to let the person out of your thoughts.

This will bring you long-awaited relief and wonderful opportunities for a new life. The advice of a psychologist, which will be discussed step by step in this article, will be the best help in this.

Many people confuse the concepts of “letting go” and “forgetting” or “falling out of love” completely. The easiest way to understand this is to think about the literal meaning of “letting go.”

For example, a little girl was bought a balloon. She was very happy with him and played with him for a long time. But soon she wanted to play with other toys. So she took and released the thread. The ball flew into the sky and became free.

In the same way, you need to switch to something else and a person fixated on a burdensome relationship. But this does not mean that at this stage he will not remember about his loved one and completely forget about him.

• To let go is to stop interfering in personal life, trying to control and be aware of all affairs
• Start living your own life, without looking back at the person you think about
• enjoy freedom
• Get ready for a new love
• Understand the lessons of the past
• Forgive yourself and your loved one
• Find harmony and joy from each new day
  

  Why is this needed at all?

There is a category of people who do not understand why to refuse a person. They firmly believe that with the necessary perseverance and ingenuity, reciprocity can be achieved. To put it bluntly, make yourself fall in love. But this is a big mistake.

Let's say that a person likes pineapples. And to treat pears with indifference or generally cannot stand them. And no matter how much you pretend that you are a pineapple, you will not stop being a pear. That's how the circumstances were.

But there are many people who, on the contrary, prefer pears to other fruits. So maybe you should consider other options and find a more suitable one?

Disadvantages of trying to grab hold of a “not your own” person:

1. What actions do not take, but you cannot influence a person so that he reciprocates.
2. Instead of the prescribed happiness, only self-pity, resentment, dissatisfaction shines on you.
3. You are only prolonging your suffering. In the end, you won't be together anyway.
4. A person from constant encroachments will begin to show disrespect to you, will become annoyed. You will be forced to humiliate yourself all the time.
5. As a result of such persecution, you will get upset nerves and a predisposition to depression.
6. You will lose interest in your own life, your goals and aspirations. If we continue in the same spirit, then dismissal from work, expulsion from the institute and other troubles are not far off.
   
   Will this make you feel better?

Psychologist's advice: Relationships are what give us positive emotions, not destroy us. You, like every living being, are worthy of love. You do not have to go out of your way to please, change your principles. A bunch of people will appreciate you without it.

Why do not let go of thoughts about a person?

If you can’t forget someone, then this person was very important to you. Your feelings for him are very strong, so thoughts keep coming back to him. Either the object has caused you a lot of resentment and disappointment. And now you have negative feelings for him or even a desire for revenge for everything he has done to you. In any case, unnecessary thoughts should be abandoned as quickly as possible. So that they do not lie dead weight in your soul.

Case from practice:

Irina's story: “For a very long time, thoughts about my beloved ex-husband haunted me. They were together for 6 years, 3 years in a legal marriage. The parting happened very quickly and unforeseen. In just a month, his attitude has changed a lot. All my attempts to please were in vain.

Then he left without saying anything. For 1.5 years I waited for him to return and say that he was mistaken, ask for forgiveness. But instead, I found out that he married another and they are expecting a child. It was a real shock! I realized that I couldn't do it on my own.

Feelings never cooled down, I didn’t even want to look at other men. I decided to turn to a psychologist. The result made me very happy. After a few sessions, I became much calmer about the situation, I was able to accept it.

Gradually, I realized that life goes on and thoughts about the former left me. Only a psychologist helped me start building new relationships.”

How do you erase the person you love from your thoughts?

So, you understood the inevitability and importance of this moment. Congratulations, that means you're halfway there!

It will be very useful to be able to thank a person. Breaking up is not a loss, but a gain. The most important thing in life is experience. And you need to learn from this experience to find your mistakes and not repeat them in the future.

May you receive only suffering and pain, do not despair. This is an opportunity to grow up, not to become too attached to people, to learn how to build harmonious relationships.

To properly say goodbye to a person, it is important to do everything in stages. It is not recommended to skip any of the stages. Otherwise, what you missed will still pop up, and the moment will not be the most appropriate.

1. Give vent to emotions. Don't try to drown out the negativity. You can cry, scream, get angry, sob. If you feel better after eating a large ice cream, use this method too. Some people like to write down their experiences on paper.
2. After you come to your senses a little, proceed to the analysis of the situation. Face the truth. Do not try to embellish the situation and the departed person. Write down in column 1 all the pluses from these relationships, in the 2nd column - all the minuses. And then think again, were they really that good?
3. Say thank you to your ex for all the good things that happened. Sincerely wish him happiness.
4. Now you should not look for the guilty and engage in self-digging. It will be easier to think about everything when you calm down to the end.
5. Do a suspension. Throw away or put away all gifts and photographs that remind you of the past. Do not get carried away with melodramas and music about unhappy love. Change your phone number so you don't have to wait for a call. In a word, delete the past.
6. Change your appearance. It also helps to mentally tune in to a new life. Change your hair, change your wardrobe. Get a workout at the gym. Even if there is no excess weight, it never hurts to tighten the figure. Plus, it boosts your self-confidence.
7. Think about how you could fill the void within yourself. Something nice and interesting. A new occupation, a pet, a book about relationships and personal growth. Don't shut yourself up, communicate more. If you can afford it, it was good to travel.
8. Learn to enjoy life again. Enjoy the little things. Fulfill your desires.
9. Plan your future life. Well stimulated in this card of desires.
10. Now you can analyze the past with a cold mind. Think about mistakes and lessons learned.

After all the stages, you will definitely feel refreshed. And your pain will pass.

In different cases, a different amount of time is required for the entire process. From a month to a year. But the sooner you get up on this path, the sooner you can free yourself from the burden.

Important Tip: Don't wallow in self-pity. Do not chase thoughts about how unhappy your fate is. How lonely you are. It is better to remember in difficult moments about those who are even worse. About orphans, disabled people, lonely old people.

Better yet, think about how you can help them alleviate their suffering. And then you will forget about your own pain.

Beneficial Meditation

When you have to part with a loved one, thoughts naturally appear that you will never be able to love again. I just don't want to experience the same pain again.

But you do not need to cultivate this opinion in yourself. After all, without love, life is boring and insipid. It is better to engage in excellent meditation that helps to restore a healthy attitude towards love.

1. When you are alone and no one bothers you, dim the lights and sit in a comfortable position.
2. Concentrate and close your eyes. Consider where your capacity for love may be.
3. When you find the right place, fix on it.
4. Visualize light coming from this point on your body. Mentally direct it to your beloved pet or loved one.
5. If you did everything right, you will have a desire to do something good for the people around you. To those people on whom the glow was directed.
   
   If you do this exercise every day, unbeknownst to you, you will find resentment inside that will be replaced by genuine love for the environment.

Letting go from the heart and thoughts

Can't forget a person for a long time? This practice will help to destroy even an old connection and free yourself from negativity.

1. Retire in a quiet place, make yourself comfortable.
2. Close your eyes, imagine a performance stage. On the stage is a man who caused a lot of suffering.
3. Now imagine yourself on a platform above this person or floating in the air.
4. Focus on your abuser. Imagine it in great detail, down to the smallest detail.
5. Feel all the sensations that you experience for him as sharply and vividly as possible.
6. Then imagine what the connection between you looks like? Barely discernible threads or a thick rope? Maybe a plastic tube? What do they connect? Chest, throat, abdomen or neck area?
7. Visualize this state for a while.
8. Reflect on what personal character traits you and this person lack so that the connection becomes less painful. Maybe patience, fortitude, self-confidence? Consider all options carefully.
9. Now imagine how God or a guardian angel appears above the stage, which sufficiently possesses all the qualities.
10. Ask him to give you what you need. Start imagining how filling you with everything you need is going on. Feel it very clearly how you change from it.
11. Visualize how you convey the missing qualities to the person connected to you through the channel. Let it fill up to the end.
12. Then look at it again. Has he changed since then? What exactly has become different: emotions, smile on the face, posture?
13. If necessary, talk to him. Surely he taught you a good lesson, taught you something new. Even through painful experiences. In any case, ask for forgiveness, even if he is more to blame for you.
14. Then imagine breaking the connection. How would you like to do it? With scissors or cut with a sword? Remember how you look separately, free from each other.

How to let go of a deceased loved one

The death of a loved one is a real tragedy for those who have to deal with it. After such a blow of fate, it is not easy to get back on your feet and live a normal life. Especially when a young person close to us, or even a child, dies.

Many cannot accept the injustice of what happened. There are people who are not able to come to terms with this situation even a year after death. Often they have an ongoing dialogue with the deceased, as if he were still alive.

Adviсe:

1. Nobody denies your difficult position. But do not forget about common sense. Try to convince yourself of the need to return to life. After all, it has already happened, and nothing can be changed. Especially tears and tantrums. If you stop heartbroken now, it is possible to undermine your health and psyche. And it won't get any better, will it? Think of your loved ones survivors.
2. Often strong feelings haunt when a person feels guilty before the deceased. Perhaps you did not behave very well towards him, were rude or were not attentive enough, did not help when he needed it. But now nothing can be changed. And your suffering will not help the cause either. Therefore, concentrate better on living people. Try to behave in such situations in a better way. Surely many of your close friends also need help and support.
3. Think this way: I was not indifferent to him. Therefore, he would not like to see me in torment and sorrow. Indeed, no one would really want to become the cause of the suffering of a loved one.
   
4. Try to put all your energy into work. A good way to improve things and forget about painful thoughts. Because they just don't have time.
   
5. Think that the deceased has gone to a better world. According to Christianity, the human soul is immortal, only the body dies. Pray for him. If that still doesn't help, talk to a priest. Ask all your questions. Don't shut up anything. Sometimes all you need to do to find peace is to speak up. Case from practice:

Victoria's story: “I never thought that such grief could happen in my life. My beloved son died at the age of 7. For a long time I could not believe what had happened. It seemed that none of this was happening to me.

But the reality was horrendous. Life ceased to interest me completely, although other close people remained - my husband and eldest daughter. My husband signed me up for a psychologist and literally forced me to go. To my surprise, I felt a little better after the first conversation.

So I continued my treatment. The psychologist helped me look at what happened from the other side, remember that other loved ones need me, understand that you can continue to live, even after the death of a child.

To stop chasing thoughts about the past in your head and forget a person, you need strength of mind and a wise attitude to the situation. If you are in a difficult situation, our specialists will definitely help you on online psychologist consultations. Don't shut yourself up in your grief.

The sooner you take the first step, the fewer days you will have to spend in torment. An experienced psychologist is the best medicine for the soul and a harmonious life.