Does the presence or absence of friends tell us about ourselves? I have no friends: what to do, how to meet and find a true friend

Hello! If you can say “I have no friends”, then you have opened the right article. I would like to talk with you about why it happened, who is a true friend and where you can find him and what to do so that people want to become your friends. Most importantly, do not worry and do not despair.

Who is a true friend

Let's start by defining the concepts. Who is your friend?

• A desk mate who's fun to sit in class with and hang out with after school?
• Is this a person who understands you and gives you the right advice?
• Or maybe this is someone who always understands you and never criticizes?

The psychology of friendships is not easy and tricky. Each person defines the concept of friendship for himself and is looking for people who are right for him. Why can some people easily communicate at a distance and this does not spoil their friendship, while others constantly quarrel over trifles?

It's true that it's easier to make friends at school. When you grow up, problems appear, you get along with people worse, trust less, look for a catch more. At an early age, a person is more open, not yet so saturated with the poisons of adult life.

If you have a person in mind whom you want to check, then - here's the article "". But remember that such checks most often lead to nothing good.

Why did it happen

Why don't you have someone close to you?

The reasons may be different, but they can be divided into two categories.

The first is a change of location. When you change schools or move to another city, all your former friends stay. They don't move with you. For this reason, many guys do not want to change schools, because they are afraid of losing friends.

Remember, if a person really wants to communicate with you, changing schools or another city will not be an obstacle for him. Today, technology allows people from different parts of the world to communicate. So, who is stopping you from continuing to be friends, even being thousands of kilometers apart.

Yes, in a new school it will not be easy to immediately establish contact with classmates. But everything is in your hands. If you are closed, harsh and impregnable, then people are unlikely to want to communicate with you. But we will talk about this a little later.

The second reason is that it's all about you. Few people think about it. When I hear the phrase “I don’t have a single real friend,” I always ask the only question - are you a good friend yourself, can you rely on you?

Ask yourself this question. Do you meet all the requirements that you yourself set for other people? If not, how do you expect something from others? Don't you think it's unfair? Demanding from people what you yourself cannot give them?

You can't withdraw into yourself and shut yourself off from the world. This can lead to serious psychological problems.

You will succeed!

10 votes

Somehow by itself, starting the post, the fingers “wanted” to address you - “Friends”!
It happened somehow unconsciously, emotionally, habitually ...
But it was about friendship that I wanted to “talk” with you ...

Quite often I recall the recommendation of psychologists regarding communication with already “grown-up” children: you need to communicate with them as with friends. That is why, if tension arises in relations with my own dear and beloved children, I always think: how is it - “like with friends”?

In the discussion of the topic of friendship, for me there are 2 questions:
1. How are these people, friends, different for me from everyone else?
2. Why do some people have friends, while others don't... Where does this opportunity lie in us - to be friends? Where is the "organ" that is responsible for friendship in our lives?

So, how do these people differ from everyone else for me personally?

First, my friends and I have an eventful history. Even if we rarely communicate, we feel a constant need to be in touch, we like to spend time together, we want to see each other, we want to tell each other about what worries us! Interestingly, without the risk of being frank, without our complete openness, our meetings would lose their value.
Personally, I can't live without friends! Communication with friends gives me a powerful influx of energy. And without them, I lose strength ...

Secondly, there are definitely moments in our history when we sacrificed our interests, time, and opportunities in order to help each other. That is, this is a connection in which people “give” something valuable to each other and are ready to “receive” from each other. I remember back in school, when I cried because of unrequited love, my girlfriend called to chat (then there was no mobile connection yet, we called up only if both people were on the phones). She simply said, "I'll be right there." And arrived! It was evening, a weekday, at least an hour one way, we are teenagers dependent on our parents ...

Thirdly, these are people whom we do not want to remake! There is no such task: to educate and reshape for oneself (as it often happens, alas, in paired and parent-child relationships). We love our friends as we know them, even if we do not agree with their actions, we do not approve of their chosen ones and chosen ones too much ... The principle of unconditional acceptance and unconditional love works with friends. It turns out that in friendship we have the opportunity to be ourselves. Here it is - a huge value for everyone!
If the process of “reshaping” and “education” begins, then, as a rule, friendship leaves, is lost, or abruptly stops.
It is strange that in family life people rarely allow themselves to be friends. Why? After all, it is thanks to the friendship between partners that their relationship is preserved, having gone through crises, changed living conditions, and a change in social roles. I remember the dialogue of the heroes of one film precisely because it is not only about choosing a partner, but also about friendship. I can quote only in meaning, and not verbatim, but it sounded something like this: “How do you manage to live happily in marriage for so many years? You are happy when you come home: the wife smiles, the children are happy to meet you at the doorstep. You yourself glow with joy and strive for them. How did it happen? - "Very simply, I married my best friend."
Do you know one of my favorite thoughts of great people ☺?
“Lovers are connected by sex, spouses are property rights to each other, friends are connected by nothing but love” (Vadim Petrovsky)
And you know, I love my friends!

Look, my picture of that person who knows how to be friends has developed:
Not afraid of closeness with people (can open his soul);
Knows how to give himself;
Accepts the diversity of life, respects the other as a person.

And now it is logical to move on to the assumptions about why some of us do not have friends:
- a person is afraid to open his soul to others. Why?
Perhaps he thinks that he is ugly (I mean the inside, not the outside), and terribly does not want anyone to see it. This happens if a person in childhood from close people constantly received signals that he was “not OK”. After all, they wanted the best - to improve! But it turned out that they instilled absolute self-doubt and the feeling that “I am not worthy”. Now this person believes that it is better to keep his heart closed, put on a “mask” on his face and ... communicate precisely from the role that gives a sense of security and refutes his own, internal, picture of an ugly and even flawed one: “I’m cool!”, “Oh! I know everything for sure”, “I am strong (th)”, “I am terribly witty (th)”, etc. Do you know such people?
But there may be other reasons for the closeness. For example, once having entered the world with an open soul and a pure heart, a person received a painful blow in response and could not cope with it. Now, just in case, the heart of the victim remains in a dense shell. And it doesn’t have to be related to someone’s rude word! It happens that the cause of pain is the loss of a dear person, a beloved animal ... The loss led to an attempt to anesthetize and closeness: “it’s better not to open up and not get attached, so that when you lose it, it won’t hurt!” But this means that the heart has become inaccessible for love and joy too! There is only one way to deal with this: be brave and let yourself feel! But in the course of a long life one will have to feel both love and pain!

A person does not know how to give himself to others.
In order to illustrate what “giving” means, I would suggest the following metaphor: we are all vessels into which love is poured, and from which this same love pours out. Only those who are full and even overflowing are able to “pour out”. Close and dear people fill us with love: first, parents, accepting us without any conditions, approving, “stroking”, rejoicing that we are .; and a little later we fill ourselves with this love, thanks to the sources of strength that the same parents showed us in childhood: music, beautiful paintings, nature, communication with friends ... who has what. If we are filled with the love of our parents, therefore we love ourselves, and also know how to replenish our strength in positive ways, we can give this energy to others.
But what if we don't have enough? It is clear that in this case we are ready only
“bite off”, “bite off”, “take away” ... Then we feel good only when others feel bad. And I'm sure you've met people like that. It's not up to friends, but to ... those who depend on us and will endure, no matter what. Subordinates? Children? Parents? ;-(((((

Does not respect the personality of others.
Yes, of course, this is also the reason why a person has no friends. Why does it happen? Why can’t a person “flow like the Nile” in a relaxed way, why does he strive to adjust this world for himself, and at the same time subordinate everyone around him to his goals and interests, why do regulations appear, the words “should (should), pressure, manipulation, etc.?
There are many reasons, of course. But I suppose that one of the main ones is fears. Such a person is afraid to live, experiment, enjoy! He knows how to "should"! And it's easier than letting yourself understand, but "how it happens"? This person is not yet an adult. He is not free. He is afraid to go the wrong way, to do the wrong thing, to make a mistake. He's scared! Its internal construction remains the same as that of a small child: the picture of the world has not yet formed, he still does not have enough knowledge, understanding and experience to explore and make mistakes himself, to learn from experience, it is still safer for him to act according to the rules established by authoritative adults. people, they already know what is right and safe!
Such adult (but non-adult) people inside have rigid scenarios of actions and a division into black and white, and hence the program and attitude: do / do not; should/shouldn't; I have the right / don't you dare; good bad…
It’s easier for them, it’s not scary for them, and in this case, they understand the rules. It is enough to act according to these rules and not violate the instructions. They demand this from the rest, so that they should not be afraid for them!
But… it severely restricts the opportunity to communicate with people and move through life!

I would like to conclude my discussion psychologically and optimistically.
1. The absence of friends is perhaps an indicator of a person's internal dysfunction. I allow some of you to object: maybe it's just not a value for some! Well, what if it happened so historically?! Accepted!
Ok, let's leave my assumption about the internal dysfunction of a person who does not have friends and does not know how to make friends, a topic for discussion and ongoing life research.
2. The ability to be friends can be “grown” by solving issues with oneself.

With this, I want to end my long three-page thought on friendship and hear from you ...

What to do if there are no friends? Friendship is an eternally relevant and interesting issue for many. It is unlikely that there will be at least one person who does not need good faithful and acquaintances or just comrades. Everyone needs a friend. There are moments when you want to speak out, cry, and who, no matter how a friend, can help. Friends will always help if grief happens, they will always sincerely rejoice if you are happy. A friend can not be afraid to say nonsense and will not be ashamed. After hard working days, it is so nice to meet, chat, laugh and relax, not being afraid to say or do something wrong.

Almost everyone has a friend, or at least a good friend, but there are those who have neither one nor the other. The question arises: what to do if there are no friends. Such people are desperate and their heads are filled with only one thought: how to find real friends. Loneliness leads to depression and illness, there is no taste for life, every day passes like the previous one.

So you can't make a mistake? The main rule is not to dwell on this thought and look at the future with a positive. You will definitely have friends, the best friends in the world, and you will forget about the problem of what to do if there are no friends.

It's easiest among people who share your hobby. If you are fond of the theater, go to it more often, if sports, then attend sports classes and events, if cinema - buy tickets for all the premieres. Have you ever thought about learning a foreign language? Great, sign up for the course. In the classroom, you will be able to meet completely different people, perhaps your friend will be among them.

Your courage plays an important role in finding friends. Be sociable, meet new people, get to know the world. Dating is easier to start on the Internet. Offer friendship on social networks, communicate, share thoughts. Internet communication will help you to be liberated, to become bolder. The advantage of such communication is that you can end the correspondence at any time, nothing obliges you. It's funny, but people are more on the Internet than in real life. You may not know the name of the neighbor on the landing, but remember the names of your virtual acquaintances.

Take a closer look at the people you interact with at work. Perhaps you drink coffee with the same person every day, isn't that a reason to know better. If young employees come to work for you, communicate with them, they really need support, and besides, you can make friends.

Now let's talk about what to do to keep a friend. The main thing is respect and sincerity. Don't treat your friend like a consumer, give in return. Invite each other to visit, give gifts, make mutual friends.

Another important point - do not take up all the time of your friend. You must remember that everyone has the right to privacy and you should not be jealous of a friend for a loved one, time will pass, and you will also prefer your girlfriend or boyfriend to a friend.

Friendship is mutual help. Help your friends even in small things, your support will be indispensable to them. Over time, you will become dependent on each other and your relationship will strengthen.

Be careful, do not forget about important dates, anniversaries. Your congratulations will be pleasant, warm in difficult times. Make friends with your friend's family, give them sweet or Easter gifts.

If you suddenly separate, be sure to keep in touch. Call up and write e-mails as often as possible, send photos, share news. If possible, go to visit, it will add new experiences, the distance only strengthens the spiritual connection.

You still do not know what to do if there are no friends, then re-read our advice again and start making friends, you will like it.

Friendship is a real miracle for our contemporaries. It may seem strange, but people communicate with the whole world from the comfort of their own homes, thanks to the Internet, and at the same time remain lonely. Increasingly, they are thinking about the question: “Why don’t I have friends?”. And all because communication in the network will not replace true living rapprochement with other people. After all, in human nature there is a desire to communicate with their own kind, although loneliness, at times, is beneficial. Especially sensitive to the lack of friends are teenagers who are just learning to be adults. However, the reason for the absence of friends and comrades should be sought in oneself, and not in others. Consider the main reasons for the lack of friends.

Why is it easier to make friends when you're young?

It's no secret that in adolescence and adolescence, friendships are established much easier. Young people are open to communication, they have no negative experience. Moreover, when a person’s personality is formed, communication with peers is simply necessary for him, because he needs to find his place in life, learn to establish social communications, in addition, there are topics and issues that cannot be discussed with parents. Friendship for teenagers is an indispensable component of personal development. Whereas for an adult, whose personality has long been formed, the priorities are family and daily income. There is not enough free time to keep in touch with old friends and acquaintances, let alone make new ones. According to statistics, the average married working woman has about 40 minutes of free time a day. Forgive me, because this is not enough to get a manicure or watch your favorite TV series. For men, things are no better. Life itself dictates the rules: you need to focus all your efforts on the main thing, discard everything secondary.

Change of social circle

To begin with, it is worth asking yourself the question: “Has things always been this way?”. And here, for the majority, half-forgotten images of courtyard friends and buddies, school mates and girlfriends begin to emerge in their memory. Of course, years have passed, everyone's life has developed differently, only general memories of childhood remain. This is the natural course of events. Rarely do people who were friends in childhood communicate for the rest of their lives. Maybe you once quarreled with a close friend and for this reason have not been communicating for many years? Then, you should think about whether the cause of your contention is so relevant and go for reconciliation, because time dulls many emotions.

Acquaintances, friends, but not friends

If you never had friends

It also happens. In this situation, it is worth analyzing your own behavior. Perhaps you are too straightforward and without a twinge of conscience criticize everyone in a row? Do you have a reputation as a brawler? Do you consider yourself offended by the whole world? It is very difficult to communicate with such people. I understand why many people shy away from such personalities and certainly do not want to make friends with them. You should change your behavior or come to terms with the lack of friends.

I feel good myself

A modern person lives in total time pressure: family, children, work, career, home. There is absolutely no time and energy left for friendly gatherings, new friends are not added, and old ties are not maintained. However, in such a situation, a person rarely thinks about why he does not have friends, because there is no time for this either. And social networks often replace live communication. Nevertheless, an evening spent in a warm friendly company is an excellent stress reliever, much more effective than another movie or computer game.

Therefore, do not be lazy to communicate - it will return to you a hundredfold!

The reason lies in education.

Surely almost everyone knows the children of authoritarian, strict parents who suppress their child from childhood, imposing their opinion on him. As a result, weak-willed people grow up from such children, unadapted to life, because their mother decided everything for them: with whom to be friends, how to dress, where to study and work. As a result, already in adulthood it is difficult for them to adapt and find their place in the team, find their other half, they are very closed in themselves. As a rule, in order to correct the situation, it will take more than one visit to a psychologist and careful work on oneself.

Resentment does not lead to good

There is a category of people who have a bad habit of collecting grievances against everyone and everything. They are always offended by all relatives, not to mention friends and acquaintances. But life is such that there is a lot of both positive and negative in it, and people do not always intentionally offend you. Close communication is generally impossible without quarrels, disputes, conflicts. Forget the negative, and do not accumulate it in your soul. In the end, it's just unhealthy.

Closed lifestyle

Life goes on as usual, and at different stages we are surrounded by different people, respectively, we make new friendships. However, some people "freeze" at the same age, and without the help of plastic surgery. In this they are helped by their laziness and passivity, fear of failure. They, as a rule, have long crossed the age mark of 25 or 30 years, but still can not fly out of the parental nest and go to build their own. Often such individuals become dependents, not working at all or finding temporary part-time jobs. While their peers are actively building families, careers, they plunge headlong into the world of new communication. Of course, our outcasts are of little interest to anyone, except for childhood memories with old friends, they have little in common.

Another variant of excessive isolation is life obsessed with work and home. And in order to make new acquaintances, you need to break away from the TV and computer and go on a tourist trip, for example, or sign up for a fitness club. Perhaps in your familiar environment there are no people who are close to you, which is why you cannot make friends with them, so you should change your social circle or expand it. It is likely that among like-minded people who are passionate about a common cause, you will find a friend.

high flying bird

There are also absolutely narcissistic individuals who consider almost everyone around them unworthy of themselves. These persons see only flaws in others, therefore they ignore all attempts to make friends. Moreover, there are people who believe that they are friends with them only out of selfish motives. This happens if a person has reached a high status, but in his life he often met with betrayal.
So, there are many reasons, but the result is one - there are no friends.

There is an opinion that all people are actually very lonely. And rarely anyone manages to comprehend a truly true friendship. It is also said that friendship can appear only at a young age, while a person does not yet have a family and other obligations. And it ends with the advent of a family and especially children.

What do psychologists think about this? How and where to find a true friend?

It may sound simple and trite, but honestly, we spend most of the time allotted to us in the company of people we do not choose. First, these are our parents and our brothers and sisters, then classmates and classmates, and only after our colleagues in the service. It is in this state of “no choice” that our friends appear. It turns out that pure chance, by which we meet other people, determines our choice of friends in the future. After a year of student life, if asked to name our friends, as a rule, we name those who sat next to us or in the same row in class. Chance, and only then we choose according to the criteria that unite us - joint efforts to overcome difficulties, joint events where everyone makes their share of participation, as well as joint recreation and interests. It is clear that real friends are not the same as hated virtual acquaintances. The main property of the Internet is not in the expansion of social contacts, but in the fact that from now on and forever closeness implies spiritual closeness. Distance does not play a role in this.

Why does it get harder to make friends for the rest of your life as you get older? Because, the value is in relationships in their history, in the time spent together, in joint experiences, in memories of ups and downs. Our best friends know us better than we know ourselves and believe in us when we have lost hope. Our own life consists of the union of destinies, those who are close to us. We try to gather around us people who wish us well and do good. Whatever is in our hands - a child's owl from the sandbox, or Parker's pen - relationships are important, not communications. Hence the conclusion - you need to keep in touch with those with whom you would meet and communicate with pleasure even without the Internet. And you need to take care of your old friends. You can't fool them, even if you fool yourself. You can tell them something that you are not at all proud of, while you yourself can be proud that you have such friends. Surrounded by friends, you feel happier, friends are those people who love us, although they know everything about us.

Why are so many lonely now and have no friends? If a person has difficulty in communicating and having friends, then the main advice is to make friends with yourself. To start. All our achievements and all our difficulties begin with ourselves and here lies the absence of friends in life, both in early childhood and in adulthood. Among my close friends, I can tell you about my girlfriend, whom we also met by pure chance, in a kindergarten, where we both took our children. My daughter was doing ballroom dancing at the time, she was then 5 years old and we needed a boy partner. While talking about it in the locker room, my friend agreed to bring her son to the dance. Our children danced together for no more than 3 months, and our friendship, which began with the usual conversation between two mothers, continues to this day. Our children are already 29 years old and for the last 10 years we have been living in different countries, since the family of a friend moved to Moscow. Despite the distance between us, we have not lost interest in our communication, respect for each other and sincere attention to our joys and sorrows. We have already been able to "eat our salt" together and the quality of our relationship is getting better and better. We manage to visit each other, our children see in front of them an example of such a strong friendship of their mothers and I really consider myself happy that I have a close friend named Tatiana, who was next to me and was happy when my daughter I was going to get married and in sorrow when I lost my mother. The most valuable thing in friendship is when you can be yourself and not worry that someone might not like it.

An interesting topic to think about. I will voice my understanding of this issue and my attitude.

Recently, I am more and more inclined to believe that friendship is a certain form of relationship between people. Built on the basis of mutually beneficial interests.

Accordingly, the more points of contact between people, the "stronger" friendship. Shared interests, common past, events experienced together, emotions, spending time together, etc.

"They also say that friendship can appear only at a young age" - I think it depends more not on age, but on a person's ability to get close to other people, to make closer contact. And for everyone this happens in different ways, for some this ability is lost with age, and for some it develops. Here, of course, the lifestyle and family circumstances, and the temperament and awareness of existence exert their influence.

"How and where to find a true friend?" - you can find it wherever you meet people, get closer. But whether he will become a friend or buddy in the future, or will not become anyone, will depend on the need to communicate with this person for you at the moment, in this situation.

Good friends to you!

The need for communication is always there. We all need communication. and it is better if it is emotionally warm, saturated.

The ability to build friendships is a kind of art, and practice in this begins from childhood. Often the inability to communicate, complexes and fears in communication are transferred into adulthood, which gives rise to certain difficulties.

Therefore, parents should be especially attentive to how their child communicates with peers and other people.

Currently, there are many trainings aimed at developing communication skills, sometimes they are very useful.

If you do not have developed communication skills, this does not mean that "everything is lost." Communication skills can be developed and improved. Communication fears can be dealt with.

How? First, your life experience. You can always rely on it. Analyze: how do people around you react to your behavior, your words? What causes a positive reaction, what causes a negative one. Use it.

Secondly, psychological literature. You can find many useful articles on the Internet and many useful books on store shelves.

In general, the ability to make friends is a special gift. And those to whom it is given are happy people. Friendship can be learned throughout life. The main thing is not to forget that friends are given to us in order to learn how to live not only for ourselves, but also for others. Friends help to see the main thing and not to waste on trifles. Friends help us accept ourselves for who we are, without embellishment. He who knows how to make friends will never be left without a friend. Develop this gift in yourself and there will always be friends in your life.

We are all truly alone from an existential point of view. We come into this world alone and we leave alone. Everyone alone has to go their own way of life and make fateful decisions.

It is good if there are close people nearby with whom it is warm and cozy, you can relax and rest for a while, complain, get understanding and support. Or, on the contrary, have fun and recharge your batteries, rejoice together with someone's good luck or success. That is, to share both joy and sorrow.

I call true friendship a relationship where there is intimacy, sincerity, openness, acceptance, freedom to say yes and no; when you can choose a comfortable psychological distance for today and change it tomorrow. In close relationships, there is an opportunity to openly discuss emerging misunderstandings and difficulties, to apologize and be asked for clumsiness and mistakes.

It is easier for parents when a teenager is "hanging out" somewhere on the street or sitting at home at a computer than bringing home a whole bunch of friends. And this is completely in vain, because in this way we continue to educate a teenager whose direct methods of education are no longer effective, and we see with whom he communicates, that is, we control the situation.

The ability to make friends shapes many other human abilities. First of all, it is a willingness to help another person in difficult times.

And, one of the most important aspects of friendship is the "prevention" of loneliness.

The need for friendship is in each of us!

The ability for friendship is in each of us, but in order for it to manifest itself and develop, another person is needed!

And here are several options - either be afraid of close relationships, including friendship, and then find different explanations - there is no time, I do not believe in the truth of friendship, etc. And you can openly go towards friendship, that is, be a friendly person and ready to be friends, understanding that this is a certain risk - being vulnerable, but also many pluses - accepting support, sharing your own feelings, etc. And then people close in spirit will definitely meet on the path of life!

And for what is dear and important to us, we can always find both time and opportunity!

To do this, first of all, you need to work out the negative experience regarding friendships, realize the advantages of friendship and have a desire to be friends!

"I do not have friends!" - you say? Turn your eyes to ... yourself. Not in them, those who could become your friend, buddy, business. Maybe you don’t need friends, or your views on what a friend should be do not coincide with the views of those with whom you would like to make friends, or you don’t know how to build relationships, observing the balance of “give and take”, or choose those with whom it is impossible to build friendly relations ... There are many options for your loneliness, if a person begins to "strain" the situation that has arisen - it is important for him to understand the reasons for your condition - you have a reason, it is unique, it may seem that it is invisible, it is not felt, you are not looking where it lies!

From my own experience, from the experience of my parents, I can say with confidence that most people are lucky :) - they have friends, moreover, loyal and bosom ones! And you can make friends at any age: there are those from kindergarten, and those whom you met at the 50th anniversary of your colleagues, and at 75 you can meet a youthful man of 72 years old and chat ... yes, how many years, how much fate allotted! Be open to communication, but do not violate the boundaries of the person with whom you want to communicate closely - find that "golden mean" that is comfortable for everyone! A friend is not always the one who will be with you in a difficult moment (a classic for the definition of friendship!), but the one who can survive your happiness, be with you at a time when you are good-ro-sho !! How many friends disappeared from women who got married or became rich, “fell off” from those who achieved excellent results (“she was a C student, and I’m an excellent student!”!)!

They are friends with families, they are friends with their personal friends! No need to dare girlfriends and friends of partners - this is only to the detriment of you! Not always a husband, for example, will exchange his friends with whom he traveled for years, fished, wrote books and so on - for you :)! Respect the privacy of your partners!

Friends are an integral part of everyone's life. The sub-personality “Friend / Girlfriend” is important, like “woman”, “man”, colleague”, “hostess” and others!

Make friends with ... yourself and feel what to do to make friends appear! Those who want to be friends with you will come running, if you like yourself, then others will too!

With the advent of a family, and especially children, friendship does not disappear, but moves to a different level of relations. And she disappeared ... Well, that means it wasn’t friendship!

A lonely person is born and dies. And in the interim period - he lives and makes friends (including)!

Tell me who you are and I'll tell you why you don't have friends.

"I do not have friends. Tell me what to do to find them? - This question, which is usually asked by young people, can often be seen on forums and websites where psychological assistance is provided. And the most common advice given in response is to communicate more. The advice seems to be correct, but it is not suitable for everyone. For some, it turns out to be difficult or even “not about that”. The fact is that it is very general, and the reasons why people have a feeling of experiencing a lack of friends are different, it hides different needs, different motives and life situations. So, before you try to fix the situation with a lack of friendship that has developed in your life or advise others on how to cope with it, you should pay attention to the situation of a person yearning for the absence of friends.

Among the variety of situations that lead a person to painful experiences of the absence of friends, it is useful to distinguish at least three different types. After all, an accurate understanding of the situation allows you to choose the right strategy for getting out of it.

1) Bgoing beyond the boundaries of a stable social circle that has developed over a long period of life.

Many people who have been in the same group for a long time, where relationships that are quite favorable for their personality, develop a strong attachment to this group. Often, circumstances develop in such a way that a person is forced, for some external reason, to leave it. For example, parents have moved to another city, or even to another country, and a person has to go to a new school, to a new class, or an older person has transferred to another institution, moved to a new job. There he has to adapt to the new formal and informal rules of group interaction, a different way of life. And not always the members of the new team meet him with open arms.

The stronger in this situation a person continues to hold on to his past, the more difficult it is for him to adapt to a new place. He does not notice that he is looking at new comrades through "skeptical glasses", constantly comparing the old team and the new one not in favor of the new one. People naturally feel this mood, and in turn are in no hurry to break the ice of alienation…..

To improve the situation, a person needs to work on letting go of the past and accepting the present, accepting new people, trying to understand them and start living here and now. Then friends will appear ....

2) Loss of a best friend.

The situation when someone had a very deep personal relationship with one person, considered him as his best friend, and suddenly lost this relationship, may arise when a friend died or broke off the relationship on his own initiative. This situation is somewhat similar to the first situation. There is also a fixation on a good past and a rejection of the changes that have taken place in life. However, deeper layers of a person’s personality are affected here, therefore, the inner work on accepting changes requires more delicacy and depth, and it should be built according to the same type as work with the loss of loved ones or with a break in love relationships.

3) Lack of a suitable parental friendship model.

An equally common reason for the painful absence of friends, despite the fact that a person makes truly heroic efforts to find friends, is most often an inappropriate model of friendship that a person learns in relations with his own parents. After all, it is here that he first learns what it means to be a SIGNIFICANT OTHER for someone - that is, a FRIEND, and also, no less important, what it means to be in a relationship with SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. It is not necessary, however, that the relationship with the parents was “bad”. However, in them a person did not get the opportunity to discover and develop his ability to be a friend to other people.

Having realized the existence of the problem, it can be solved, new samples can be found, the bitter experience of unsuccessful attempts can be extracted and processed. If independent attempts do not lead to success for too long, you can seek help from a psychologist, the main thing is not to give up.