Reluctance to have children. Psychological infertility: what it is and what to do about it Unwillingness to have a child psychological problems in men

According to statistics, about 5% of couples who want to have children suffer from infertility. Of these, about half of the cases are due to some kind of deviation in physiology. The reasons for the rest lie in psychosomatics, or, to put it more simply, in the psychological mood. This applies to both partners - both women and men.

“Psychological infertility is seen as the result of a woman's conscious or unconscious reluctance to have a child. Sometimes it is a fear of pregnancy and childbirth, sometimes it is an unwillingness to have a child from this man, sometimes it is resistance to changes in appearance that pregnancy can lead to, etc.

How does this happen

The human brain is an amazing thing. If for some reason he considers something wrong, he can “prohibit” other bodies from performing certain operations. For example, if in your soul you have a lot of doubts about the upcoming pregnancy, then the brain is able to take advantage of this and give a signal to the organs to prevent conception or even get rid of the unwanted fetus.

Psychological problems, stress, hushed up doubts of even one of the spouses can lead to the fact that a healthy couple does not have children. That is why in modern reproductive medicine, psychological counseling plays a very important role.

Causes

What causes psychological infertility? There are many reasons: a side effect of taking medication, worries about money, an unresolved dilemma between family and career, a phobia that a child will be born sick or that a spouse may leave the family. In the end, even the shameless psychological pressure already established in our society “Well, when are you planning a baby?” from close and even unfamiliar people can do its job.

In the zone of special risk are too impressionable natures and people who, on the contrary, keep everything to themselves. The former suffer from the fact that they exaggerate their difficulties, while the latter simply do not give vent to their own emotions.

One of the most common causes of psychological infertility is that a couple begins to worry about problems conceiving, when in fact there are no problems. Statistics show that with an active sexual life, 85% of women become pregnant within a year, and 95% within two years. So don't label yourself as "infertile" if you and your partner have only been trying to conceive for the past few months. Such experiences cause unnecessary stress, and where stress is, there is a risk of psychosomatic diseases. In my practice, there were cases when, due to unnecessary emotional experiences, the patient had unpleasant changes in the body. Therefore, when they say that many diseases are caused by nerves, these are not empty words.

According to a survey of 200 couples seen in reproductive clinics, 50% of women and 15% of men remember waiting for pregnancy as the most depressing of their lives. Another study found that women suffering from infertility are at about the same level of depression as those suffering from cancer or suffering from the consequences of a heart attack.

The reproductive and endocrine systems under such serious pressure of psychological factors may not restore their functions at all without special help.

How to understand that you have psychological infertility

Here are the main reasons that can provoke psychological infertility:

Do you regularly experience severe stress at work?
you blame yourself for infertility or perceive the absence of children as a punishment for your previous lifestyle (a large number of sexual partners or the termination of a previous pregnancy);
you do not trust your partner or think that he is not quite ready for the birth of a child;
You have not fully answered the question of whether children are needed right now. Or, for example, you were recently promised a promotion and you do not want to refuse it because of the decree;
you have at least some signs of depression;
you have not fully resolved financial and other domestic issues related to the birth of a child;
recently you have experienced a serious psychological shock (loss of a loved one, accident, flood or fire, major financial setbacks);
you are subjected to serious psychological pressure from others due to the lack of pregnancy and children.

Analyzing your life for the presence of unspoken problems and thoughts is only the first step. The second is to ask about the possible anxieties of your partner. Men are usually less inclined to heart-to-heart talks, but it may well turn out that the reason is not so much in you as in the partner's secret anxieties. If there is at least a suspicion of depression, you should definitely consult a specialist - not only for the sake of the unborn child, but also for your own well-being.

How to treat

The best way to protect yourself from worries about conception is to make sure that everything is in order with the health of your couple, and ... relax. The less you think about the fact that the child is your goal, the faster you will be able to conceive. If you have been suffering from a lot of stress at work lately, then the ideal option is to take an extended vacation and move away from worries with your spouse. Engage yourself in a new project - for example, start learning foreign languages or sign up for some club of interest. The main thing is not to let thoughts of a possible pregnancy take all your attention.

Diagnosing the real cause of psychological infertility without the help of specialists can be quite difficult. Sometimes it's enough just to relax, and sometimes you need to connect the "heavy artillery" - psychotherapy, relaxation techniques (yoga, meditation, acupuncture, massage) and even medicines.

I can give two illustrative examples from practice when the problem of patients was in my head.

In the first case, the couple tried to get pregnant for three years, despite the fact that we did not find physiological reasons for infertility in partners. It turned out that during this time they experienced a serious illness of a loved one, took out a large loan and experienced severe stress at work. We advised the couple to take a long vacation and generally not contact the outside world for some time - without the Internet, calls from work and communication on social networks. Helped! Literally immediately after returning from vacation, the patient found out about the pregnancy and subsequently gave birth to a healthy baby.

In the second case, a lot of work had to be done. At a psychotherapy session, it turned out that the wife suffered a severe psycho-emotional trauma at a young age, which none of her relatives even knew about. The woman herself, after this psychological trauma, began to consider herself unworthy of having children. After a long personal and family psychotherapy, the long-awaited pregnancy came.

Therefore, in each case, the decision will be individual, but it is better to start with a consultation with your reproductologist. If he understands that the reason lies in the head, then he will appoint an appointment with a psychotherapist.

Eleonora Kozlova, psychotherapist at the Center for Reproductive Health "SM-Clinic".

Why so many childfree?

Often we condemn the callousness, rudeness of the people around us. And not just like that, all psychologists say - in order to know a person, it is enough to understand how his childhood passed.
I began to wonder why so many women voluntarily give up motherhood? Where does the reluctance to have children come from? Why so many cynical, and sometimes, frankly cruel statements? Ordinary selfishness, narcissism, unwillingness to bear responsibility? Or, finally, women began to grow wiser and realize that it is better not to become a mother at all than to become a bad mother?
Immature boys and girls who create fragile families, selfish, hysterical fools - what education can be obtained in such conditions? And is it any wonder, seeing a huge number of moral freaks? Is it so scary not to give birth at all, or is it worse to give birth and not cope?!

Traumas that go along with us from childhood for the rest of our conscious life are masks:
Rejected is a fugitive.
Abandoned - dependent.
The humiliated is a masochist.
The survivor of betrayal is the controller.
The survivor of injustice is rigid (setting rigid limits for himself).
The runaway complex occurs when a child is rejected by a parent of the same sex. Subsequently, such a person tends to alternately behave like a rejected person - himself creating similar situations, or like a leaving one. The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave at the same time, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. The fugitive does not believe in his worth, he does not put himself in anything. And for this reason, he uses all means to become perfect and acquire value, both in his own eyes and in the eyes of others.

An abandoned complex develops when a child is not accepted by a parent of the opposite sex. Those who experience an abandoned complex are constantly experiencing emotional hunger.

The addict may appear lazy due to the fact that he does not like to be active or work alone; he needs someone's presence, if only for moral support. If he does something for others, he expects affection in return. The addict is most likely to become a victim in order to get attention. This responds to the needs of the addict, who constantly feels like he is being given too little attention. When he seems to be trying in every way to get attention, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important enough to get support. It seems to him that if he fails to attract the attention of such and such a person, then he will not be able to count on him.

The formation of a humiliated complex, otherwise a masochist, occurs at the moment when the child feels that one of the parents is ashamed of him or is afraid of shame if the child gets dirty, spoils something (especially with guests or relatives), is poorly dressed, etc. The humiliation only intensifies when the parents explain to the guests the reasons for the little scandal. Such scenes can convince the child that he is disgusting to dad and mom. Since the humiliated seeks to prove his solidity, reliability and does not want to be controlled, he becomes very executive and takes on a lot of work. As long as he helps others, he is sure that he has nothing to be ashamed of, but very often afterwards he experiences the humiliation of being used. He almost always believes that his services are not appreciated. A child feels betrayed by a parent of the opposite sex whenever that parent fails to keep a promise or abuses the child's trust.

The controller controls in order to ensure the fulfillment of the tasks assumed, to maintain loyalty, to justify responsibility, or to demand all this from others. Since it is especially difficult for controllers to accept any form of betrayal, either someone else's or their own, they do everything in their power to be responsible, strong, special and significant people.

The child feels that it is injustice that he cannot be whole and inviolable, cannot express himself and be himself. He experiences this trauma mainly with a parent of the same sex. He suffers from the coldness of this parent, that is, from his inability to express himself and feel the other. At least that's how the child perceives it. The child also suffers from the dominance of the parent, from his constant remarks, strictness, intolerance and from his conformism.

Rigid seeks correctness and justice at any cost. Striving for perfection in everything, he tries in this way to always be fair. He believes that if what he says or does is perfect, then by the same token it is just. It is extremely difficult for him to understand that, while acting irreproachably (by his own criteria), he can at the same time be unjust.

All around me are kind and good (I'm talking about real).

If a child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.
- If a child is praised, he learns to be grateful.
- If a child grows up in honesty, he learns to be fair.
- If a child is supported, he learns to value himself.
- If a child is criticized, he learns to hate.
- If a child lives in enmity, he learns aggressiveness.
- If a child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn.
- If a child grows up in reproach, he learns to live with guilt.
- If a child grows up in tolerance, he learns to accept others.
- If a child lives in safety, he learns to trust in people.
- If a child lives in understanding, he learns to find love in this world.

Women who can give birth, but do not want to, are bio-garbage offended by nature.

I treat the world the way I want the world to treat me.

Childfree has a new humane justification for their irresponsibility and infantilism: "I don't want to be a bad mother, so I'd rather not be one at all."

What's wrong with being immature?

Under 18, nothing.

And then?

And what is good about immaturity in development, the preservation in behavior or physical appearance of the traits inherent in previous age stages?

Not everyone wants to lead an absolutely adult lifestyle. For what? Why is it necessary to take responsibility? Why can't you do what you love?

There is no concept of "absolutely adult", there is the concept of "developed over the years."

At the age of 10, I told my parents that I would not get married and, accordingly, I was not going to have children. So they are prepared. And I don't care what others think.

You can be developed, be aware of many things, which is why you can consciously make a decision to give birth or not to give birth. Or is development now determined by the presence of a child?

The unwillingness to have children is a consequence of psychological immaturity or egocentrism, in my opinion.

Everyone has their own reasons for this. It’s better to make a balanced decision not to have children (at all or for some time) for one reason or another, rather than - I want a baby, everything is as people need!

Then drunks and rednecks are very developed, because they breed like rabbits.

A lot of text, if in a nutshell, these are purely my objective observations. The whole root of the problems of some men and women is in the family. The absence of a father and maternal love turn a man into a "woman", I would even say "it". And, the woman - in "whore". Everyone yells, they say, "family" is the most important thing. But no one really knows the meaning of this word.

I grew up in a complete family. Loving and friendly. I have had my own family for a long time, and I am not a little old, but the question of children does not even arise. I don't call myself childfree or whatever, I don't prove anything to anyone, I just live and enjoy life. Which is what I wish for everyone. Enough to procrastinate this topic. The author, it was necessary to remove the first part of the text, it is very provocative. Attention will be paid more to it than to the main content of the article. And the article is good, by the way!

Let it provoke, it's just my opinion.

The desire not to have children is not connected with anything.

Drunkards and homeless people usually don’t think at all about whether they want children or not, they just breed, out of inertia, because they heard about contraception only through the appeal “hey you, scumbag, che, is there che?”

Marginal yes. But simply uneducated or succumbing to the influence of public opinion, people want a "child" simply because everyone lives like that. And they do not look at whether they can feed and raise with dignity or not. In short, "bunny, lawn" and all that.
In my opinion, if a person understands that he does not have enough money or he is not ready for children and does not start them, then such a person is well done. Because he understands that this is a huge responsibility, not a toy.

So. I began to wonder why such a huge number of people climb into other people's underpants, into someone else's family and into someone else's head, trying to dig out psychological problems there that preceded the emergence of any beliefs? Why so many impudent, self-confident and anti-scientific statements? Ordinary stupidity, narrow-mindedness, lack of one's own personal life?

Nobody cares why a child appeared in this or that family.
Everyone is responsible only for themselves and their actions.

Well, I know why I don't have children and why I don't want to have children. I am disgusted by women who dream of children when they themselves have nothing. But if everything is fine with her, then another matter.
And what I care about all of them - I have no idea.

I think it's easier to admit that there are people who are simply not interested. There are other interests, science, career, loved one, travel. When everything is great, you don't want to change it. Hence the reluctance to have children.

Everyone loves to make things difficult for themselves and others. Honestly, more than half of this "scribble" is not mastered.

Let me guess, again the Americans are to blame? Not at all the economic difficulties of the majority of Russians.

And everything is solved easily with the help of contraceptives. But not so long ago, by global standards, everyone gave birth. Whether they want it or not. What is more terrible to give birth to a person whom you do not want, or to stop this misunderstanding on yourself - the arbitrariness of nature?
Nature is stupid or people?

If they paid salaries for raising children (this is a huge job that needs to be controlled and financed, like any other). And so, men do not want to provide.

What a bullshit. Previously, there were the same problems in families as now. Previously, parents also beat and humiliated children, folders also thumped and beat their wives, nothing new. It’s just that now you can not love children, you can not get married or not get married, because before it was condemned, now everyone doesn’t care. Don't worry, women will multiply, and men will marry, it's just that there are more people who can now live as they want, and that's good.

And I also have a friend. He's a little younger than me. For 2 years. He is 25 now. He already has two children. When he was first born, he had problems with his wife. With their misunderstanding. He was always cheerful, the soul of the company, did something, had fun. I could always dial him at 12 o'clock at night, and we could walk, walk around the area or toil about other nonsense. Of course, we have grown a little since we were 18 years old. But the essence of a person often remains the same. He wants to sit and play computer games, hang out with the guys, with me. Just relax. But it can't! And it's scary. He complains about all this, then he starts rubbing me about children, that this is good. It's time too. I am not married and have no children yet. And they envy me that I am so calm at the same time, it’s cool for me, I do what I want.

My parents raised me well, instilled respect for elders, love and care for animals, taught me responsibility very early. But I am 36 years old and that genetic hour did not come for me to want to have a child. I have a wonderful husband, madly loved by me, we have all the conditions for a great life, but I can’t force myself to turn everything upside down and want to pass with a huge belly, fainting, I don’t know what it is to want to have a baby . Apparently, everything is cool in my life, and in general I don’t want to have additional love in the form of a baby. The only thing that now clicks somewhere is that, in fact, you probably need to give birth before 40, then that someone will have to leave a legacy. But when I give birth, let the nanny sit with him, I will live no matter how I live, I will never exchange my freedom. Oh, how I piss off ovules and just those who have children with my straightforward statements.

For me, my children are the most important thing in my life. They gave me a lot. It is with them that I feel truly whole and happy. And I am very grateful to my parents for the fact that by their example they were able to form in me the right attitude towards family and motherhood.

Doesn't your husband make you absolutely happy?

I do not offend you, I just often notice that women find rapture in children, this is a kind of vacuum that they fill instead of what was previously between two loving hearts. I think that children are, well, just cool until a certain time, and then what? They will grow up and leave, and we will die old with our thoughts and thoughts to return to the one with whom it all began. I do not understand the concept of happiness in children, hence the reluctance to have children! Happiness can also come from a dog, a cat, also a return.

Well, what a vacuum, don't tell me. A husband is a husband, and children are children. There seems to be no competitive principle here, these are different disciplines.

Children, in principle, may well be replaced by an infantile spouse. The same responsibility and awe. Although a spouse can be much more important than children, closer, this also happens. Happiness is different. And it is not limited to children. Peace for everyone.

Well, hello, how is your little son different from an adult child?

Why immediately infantile? Mine, for example, is a thunderstorm for others, but I take care of him as about ..., as about myself or as a child, maybe I don’t understand why I need another one, in the form of a child.

I don’t understand, where does the little son and the adult child have to do with it? I don't have little sons either.

Well, sorry, so happiness is only in children? And how do you care about your husband?
There are men like children.

Where does the reluctance to have children come from? And I'm just scared to give birth to children in this reality. You look around, what is happening - medical errors that take away children's lives, nannies that beat babies, pedophiles that rape children. In general, the standard of living in the country, the ecological situation. No, I'm not ready to produce new people in such conditions.

MOSCOW, August 2 - RIA Novosti. Conscious refusal to have children, called "childfree", causes healthy irritation and rejection in society. Psychologists told RIA Novosti about why this phenomenon is still not so scary and how close people can influence the decision not to have a child.

Old problem with a new name

"The danger of the childfree phenomenon for society is too exaggerated. It has always existed, it just got that name now. By the way, it's good when something is named, because it makes you see the problem more clearly," said the consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to the Family and children "Khamovniki" Olga Danilenko.

In her opinion, the commitment to "childfree" can be considered as a passing phenomenon, since many people who preferred to be childless at a certain stage of life due to their profession or beliefs, in the end still acquire offspring.

“It’s not for nothing that many doctors, when it comes to sterilization, refuse to do it, because they are afraid of lawsuits. A person’s position may simply change over time, and he will go to court. After all, everyone speaks out only because of their current situation,” added she.

The cult of children

“The trouble of modern society is a huge number of children who have not grown up. This is a property of the present time, a feature of our era,” says family psychologist Anna Khnykina, naming the reason why people can refuse to have a child.

Experts have found out why infantilism will destroy societyInfantile people are liked by bosses because of their complaisance and are considered grateful children that their domineering parents are proud of, but psychologists and psychotherapists evaluate such behavior as a serious threat to society. On the eve of World Children's Day, experts told how dangerous infantilism is and how to overcome it.

"Big kids" do not want to let other children into their lives who will take time, destroy comfort, bring chaos and demand decisions. There are many reasons for the infantilization of society, but, according to Danilenko, it is partly justified by the existing cult of the child: increased, paramount attention is paid to childhood and youth, while maturity fades into the background.

“It seems that it is much better to be a child, but this is not so, because a child cannot be completely free. He does not take responsibility and at the same time cannot influence events,” she explained.

The cult of the child appeared as a result of the fact that medicine began to improve in the world, and in particular in Russia, the mortality rate of newborns decreased, and the social upheavals of the 20th century led to a reduction in the number of children in one family. A series of studies on the role of childhood trauma in the formation of personality, begun by Sigmund Freud, led to the fact that adults felt super-responsible for their attitude towards children.

“This has given rise to a very special behavior when parents give all their best that they burn out. They give all their strength to the child, push their needs to the background and eventually fall into emotional dependence on him, and he begins to take responsibility for their emotional state. This close connection can be so difficult that in adulthood, close relationships can simply scare a person, ”Danilenko explained.

Children are not the only meaning of life

"There can be many sources of meaning in life. Relationships are a very important source, but these are not always relationships with children, it can also be relationships with a partner, with friends, with some close people. In this sense, a person can live a meaningful life without children. But another thing is that some people feel that children are what they lack for meaning, "says psychologist Yevgeny Osin.

In his opinion, if a person decides to have a child, he will need an equal share of selfishness and altruism. "On the one hand, a parent must understand that he will spend a lot of effort and years on raising a child, and this may not pay off in any way. On the other hand, if he completely renounces selfishness, then this will then lead to all sorts of conflicts," he explained.

Lack of experience and laziness most often destroy families, psychologists sayAlmost half of Russian families break up before three years of marriage due to lack of experience and necessary knowledge from partners, disappointment after the end of the candy-bouquet period and disruption of interaction between a man and a woman, psychologists say.

Experts agree that children are happy only when their parents are happy, and for this they need to learn how to combine raising a child and fulfilling their own desires.

“If we consider children as a way of self-realization, then in this case, it is probably better not to have them. When parents begin to embody their own goals and plans through the child, he no longer feels truly desired and necessary, and this leads to neurosis ", Osin added.

Tactics for relatives

Psychologists note that often the greatest pressure on people who for some reason do not want to have children is exerted by relatives. They should remember that the decision to remain childless can be caused immediately by a complex of problems: internal conflicts, uncertainty about the future, distrust of a partner, inability to cooperate with him, and many others.

In the end, a person can simply see his destiny in passing on to the next generation his own ideas, and not the gene pool. But it may well be that he just needs time, experts say.

In the event that relatives want to wait for grandchildren, the most losing option is to appeal to a sense of duty or remind them of the biological clock. According to Anna Khnykina, close people, especially parents, should realize that edification in this case is useless.

“When a person is ready to consciously put an end to his family, this can partly be called suicidal behavior. Relatives need to understand that it’s time to give up advice and to a person who does not want to continue his family, you need to show such an amount of love that was not previously shown in throughout his life. This is the only way to influence, "the psychologist is convinced.

Hello! I have a question for Alexandra Budnitskaya with the following content: I myself do not want to have children (I am 32 years old). And this did not bother me until I met and fell in love with a man who loves children, really wants to have his own children and takes the issue of their upbringing very seriously, etc. And now I don't know what to do. Should I exterminate my reluctance to have children, fight it, persuade myself for this man, or break up with him and not ruin his life? Let him find a woman who will become a good wife and mother of his children? Thank you."

TheSolution psychologist's answer:

In your question, I distinguish two aspects: your attitude towards motherhood and your own children - and your attitude towards marriage and your husband.

My colleague, being interested in your question, agreed to help me and shed light on the first aspect in great detail and intelligibly. I will concentrate on the second.
Speaking about your husband's love for children, you are not describing his true feelings, but rather your superficial impressions and fears. (I judge the superficiality of your impressions by the fact that throughout the entire marriage you and your spouse, apparently, did not discuss the children's topic in detail; therefore, your impression of his feelings was formed on the basis of infrequent observations of how your husband reacts to strangers children).

I find it important to admit the following: the true feelings of your husband in relation to children in general, and especially to your own children, may differ significantly from the feelings he transmits to the outside.

Love of children is probably the most socially desirable quality. “Good people love children” is a very common stereotype. Not far from him are the conclusions: "All women love children" and "All women love men who love children." Guided by these stereotypes, many young men, wanting to look like a “good person” in the eyes of others, and especially wanting to please a certain woman, show a love for children that they don't really feel.

Evidence of the correctness of this assumption can be found in the numerous complaints of young mothers about the "sudden change" in their husbands.

Men who were touched by the sight of advertising babies, willingly played once a year with their little nephews and competently talked about pedagogical trends, “suddenly” categorically refuse to bother with their own newborns.
It is likely that until your husband has children of his own, you will not be able to find out what his true feelings are towards children. Perhaps he himself does not know it yet.

It would also be interesting to understand what exactly repels you in motherhood.

If these are practical, organizational problems (lack of sleep, visits to the pediatrician, walking with a stroller in the absence of a ramp and elevator in the house, a career break), then they could be solved with the help of financial preparation, several nannies and a grandmother. This is the more common solution to this problem.

There is also another solution to the problem, it is less common, but according to the law it has the right to be. This is a way - in which all responsibility is shifted to the husband. For example, a husband could take maternity leave instead of you, spending the first year with a child, and then picking up a nanny, kindergarten, etc. for him.

I believe that you should in any case talk to your husband about children, without informing him of the “final decision” yet and focusing not on romantic feelings, but on the purely practical side of the matter.

Perhaps your husband, having learned about his upcoming participation in courses for future parents, in childbirth, that he will have to take a break in his career, visit a pediatrician, be responsible for feeding the child himself, abandon his office in favor of a nursery, etc. . will hasten to inform you that he is not in a hurry to have children at all. Perhaps, on the contrary, he will willingly agree - and you will have to decide whether you are ready to make an exclusively bodily contribution to your parenthood, bearing and giving birth to a baby and actually transferring him to her husband for upbringing, retaining your usual way of life with a few exceptions.

In any case, it is important to remember: You are not responsible for your husband's feelings.

You can't "ruin his life". He is solely responsible for the quality of his life. If you are determined to never have children, it would be fair to inform your husband about this. He, as an adult, will deal with his feelings himself, asking you for help if he feels the need for it.
But, I believe, before making a final decision, you should carefully consider and discuss some points regarding both your deepest motives and emotions, your ideas about an ideal marriage and ideal motherhood, and the purely practical side of parenthood.

In your case, it is also important to deal with your deepest motives for not wanting to have children.

Sometimes it happens as a consequence of what kind of story to make out of your life. For example, a person who was hated and bullied by his own parents may take in childhood a negative decision not to procreate.

In some families, parents and children change psychological roles.

This can be understood by the strange pattern of interaction between them. A forty- or fifty-year-old mother (or father) begins to behave like a child in communication. He asks his children for advice, tells about infidelities, asks his son or daughter to solve their marital conflicts, demands care and money. If children play the psychological role of parents for their parents, then they may not have the desire to have children of their own.. Because the appearance of a small child would radically change the existing family psychological situation. Parents would have to stop using family members to solve their psychological problems and turn to a psychologist.

Sometimes personal immaturity is hidden behind the unwillingness to have children, which manifests itself in the unwillingness to take responsibility and live only for oneself.

This is the case with incongruent personal development. Incongruent personal development is uneven development, with internal conflict and mismatch between parts of the personality. In such cases, some parts of the personality are developed according to age, and some are far behind in development. This means that a person can be many years old, everything is fine with his intellect, but psychological development corresponds more to adolescence (a common example is touchiness or the habit of not talking for a week in a quarrel or saying “he / she made me angry”).

The main parameters of adulthood, personal maturity are the ability to take responsibility, overcome difficulties and the ability to achieve long-term goals.

When a person quickly lights up and also quickly goes out, avoids responsibility and difficulties, reacts with helplessness when stressed(shrugs his hands and does not know how to solve problems), then we are talking about disharmony of personal development. In this case, a person may not want to have children precisely because unwillingness to work, bear responsibility and care for many years in a row every day about babies.

In your situation, it would be helpful to analyze your true motives and the causes of the problem.

This may be negative early childhood decisions, inverted psychological roles in family subsystems, personal immaturity, financial and organizational unpreparedness. Once you figure out your real motives, you can make a psychologically intelligent decision about the best way to solve the problem.