Surviving a divorce: being a person is difficult, but possible. How to survive a divorce with your wife without too much stress

After a divorce, a man’s plans collapse, faith in the possibility of other relationships is lost, and a desire arises to punish the woman who caused him suffering. But you need to think about how to survive a divorce from your wife, look for constructive ways to get out of depression.

What does a man experience after a divorce?

Many men find it difficult to come to terms with the loss of a family, especially in cases where the wife has left for another. This fact is especially painfully perceived by earners with decent earnings, in which the wife was a housewife. Their emotional discomfort is stronger, the sense of possessiveness has rebelled in them, and there is no way to go to their mother to provide for life.

After parting, he loses his settled, familiar life, and he has a long way to go to understand how to survive a divorce from his wife. With the departure of his wife, no one will cook lunch, dinner, wash and iron things, or clean up the apartment. There is no one to consult with, even those who believed that a woman was talking nonsense. As a result, it turns out that a man owes most of his ups to her.

What Not to Do in a Divorce

When the wife left, there is no need to try to bring her back, especially if the reason for the divorce is another man. Trying to create obstacles will only aggravate the negative state of mind. A man is by nature an owner, and apart from humiliation, he will not feel anything. It is necessary to soberly assess the situation, let it go and continue to live.

Only left alone, he understands how much his wife meant to ensure a comfortable life, comfort in the house. From now on, he has to do everything himself. And because of this, many become depressed, trying to find a way out of the situation at the bottom of the glass. But such behavior only exacerbates the situation, does not bring relief.

To survive the departure of a woman, to solve the problem of bad mood and well-being, you need to analyze the reasons why she left her husband. It is best to forgive her, wish her happiness and start a new life, taking into account the negative aspects of the past life, her mistakes. Resentment and bitterness will not become a guiding star to your own happiness.

If the wife constantly gathered and went to her mother, she signaled that not all was well at home. We need to think about the reasons for her moves and draw conclusions. If a man is a tyrant and an egoist, he will not bother to think about the reasons, because he considers himself always and unconditionally right.

What to do in case of divorce

The man was left alone, but you need to live, life goes on even after a divorce. Nothing can be fixed, she is gone completely, you have to put up with it.

There are several steps you can take to alleviate the condition:

• If the apartment is your own, you need to clean up and remove common photos from prominent places.
• The wife's personal belongings must be returned, they should not be destroyed or spoiled, this will not restore relations, but it will help to survive the separation.
• When you have to live in one living space, you should rearrange the furniture, this also facilitates the state of mind.
• According to psychologists, the beginning of repairs in the apartment helps to find peace.
• An attempt to keep the wife by force with the help of physical threats will not bring results, it can only become the beginning of a criminal case.

It is fundamentally wrong that only women are hurt by a breakup, and men are indifferent to separation and family breakdown. This is far from the case, just a man, as a strong being, does not show his emotions.

It would be better if there is a person to whom you can pour out your soul, who will support, advise, help find a way out. According to statistics, in more than 2/3 of cases, it is women who are the first to break the marriage bond. Men, despite their brave appearance, experience very deeply.

How to survive a divorce if the family has a child

Divorce is much more dramatic if the spouses have children. Separation from the wife automatically means separation from the children, they almost always remain in the care of the mother. For the representatives of the stronger sex, a double loss is obtained. When a couple's child is already almost an adult, it is easier for him to cope with the situation, but small children experience the divorce of their parents as a tragedy.

Two people who have common children will never be strangers to each other.

The psychologist gives advice that it is necessary to part culturally in this situation, so as not to injure the baby's psyche even more. With decent behavior during a divorce, a husband and ex can remain friends, it will be easier for a man to visit his children. In case of misbehavior, an attempt to take revenge, he will be forbidden to appear nearby, and he will have to make great efforts to meet with the children.

With the help of a qualified specialist, a husband whose wife has left can solve many personal problems:

• The situation should be accepted, since the fact of divorce has already happened.
• You should not lock yourself up, you need to be in the company of close people or friends, to whom you can tell everything that bothers you.
• You should not abuse alcohol, they do not solve the problem, they only temporarily dull the senses.
• There is no need to take revenge on the ex-wife, two people build relationships, two are also to blame for their breakup.
• Blaming the ex-wife that she destroyed the family hearth is stupid. If she left, then she was uncomfortable in this union.
• You should not blame yourself for the breakup of the family, the general mental state will suffer.
• There is no need to rush, as if into a whirlpool, into promiscuity. This is not revenge on the ex-wife, such behavior does not heal, it only hinders the ability to build new, strong relationships.
• It is better to survive the breakup calmly, cool down, and only then get to know women, if you hurry, the situation may repeat itself.
• Find an opportunity to do what you love, hobby, hobby, career. This sublimates the negative energy, directs it into a positive, creative channel. New thoughts will appear, the emotional state will stabilize.

After the appearance of a new heartfelt attachment, one should not deify the ex-wife, there is no need to compare the new woman with her, it is possible to destroy the nascent love. You need to be able to love, for this you will have to work on yourself.

You can go on a trip, during it it is easier to survive the stress of divorce. Buying an expensive tour is not necessary, you can go somewhere in the outback, to the river, with a tent, turn off your phone and be alone with nature. If there are no funds, sell something.

It is better to go fishing with friends or with a girlfriend on a camping trip. Just do not need to promise her mountains of gold, and then, quite possibly, she will remain there for a long time. A change of scenery will have a beneficial effect on the emotional state; after returning, life will sparkle with new colors.

On the divorce video

Turning to a professional psychologist will help a man survive parting with his once beloved woman with dignity. During psychotherapy sessions, a person will be able to analyze his family life, identify the reasons that led to the breakdown of relationships, made family life bitter and difficult. A man will understand that a family is not just a cohabitation of two people, it is an important institution where he will always find support and solve problem situations.

When a marriage breaks up, many begin to have psychological problems that are difficult to deal with on their own. Psychologists give valuable advice on how to survive a divorce with a spouse and start a new life. These tips are included in this post. Different situations and some stories of men and women about divorce will be considered.

How to behave after a divorce?

First of all, you need to perceive divorce not as the end of life, but as a new stage. You have many opportunities that were not available before. Therefore, you need to try not to wind up bad thoughts, and especially not to seek solace in alcohol or cigarettes.

Many people are afraid to start a new relationship after a divorce. Fear is understandable, but it must be dealt with. It is only important to take a break in order to recover and undergo rehabilitation. If you do not know how to survive a divorce from a husband or wife, then you should contact a specialist. He will tell you how to live on, and what exactly to do in your case.

1. Accepting a divorce. If you cannot change the situation, then you need to change your attitude towards it. That's what all the experts say, and they're right. What is better after the inevitable separation: to dry out from suffering, to live alone, or to move on and create a new family? The answer is perhaps obvious. For some people, the problem that has arisen becomes a springboard for internal growth, while for others it becomes a pit with a swamp in which they gradually drown. Tell yourself honestly where you want to be in which of these situations.

2. Marriage is not the whole life. It is very important to understand this thought in order to easily survive a divorce. Even if all your attention was concentrated around a broken family, you probably had a specific goal. A person is a unique and inimitable person who has his own desires. So you need to tell yourself that life goes on with or without marriage. This is one of the most effective tips on how to survive a divorce from a wife or husband.

3. Don't be alone. Many people make the mistake of completely immersing themselves in their experiences and closing themselves off from their loved ones and friends. They, on the contrary, will help to cope with depression and survive parting. You need to communicate as much as possible with good people who love and appreciate you. Better yet, find a circle of optimists and spend a lot of time with them. They will charge you with energy, cheerfulness and their activity. But with pessimists and whiners who show pity, it is better to limit communication.

4. Take care of yourself. This may be hackneyed advice, but it really works. You can take care of your appearance, exercise, go on a diet or find a new hobby. Perhaps you have long dreamed of learning to knit, play the guitar, ride a bike more often or go fishing. The post-divorce period provides time for all of this.

The best advice is to take your mind off the breakup and occupy your thoughts with something else. A hobby will just be a great solution and will greatly help in how to survive divorce and betrayal. If you have severe financial problems, you can volunteer. In addition, helping others often helps to forget about their own pain and switch to other people's problems. Remember that a new activity, if it requires meeting people, is always unexpected acquaintances. Who knows, maybe your destiny is waiting for you there?

What not to do after a divorce

Also, the advice of a psychologist on how to survive a divorce from a wife or husband contains rules that you should never break. Otherwise, the rehabilitation period will be complicated and even delayed for an indefinite time.

1. Do not blame yourself or your ex for the current situation. Everything that happens in life is a good experience for the future. Therefore, from a divorce, you need to draw conclusions for yourself, understanding the reason for the failure. But the search for the guilty and shifting responsibility for what happened will not be useful, but will only excite unpleasant memories.

2. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Phrases such as “how poor and unhappy I am” must be excluded from your thoughts, especially in such a difficult period. Pity sucks all the strength, makes weak and helpless. Therefore, it is important to stop it even from other people. To go through a parting with dignity, you need remarkable strength. You need to support yourself with phrases: “It doesn’t happen in life, I can handle it,” “It will only benefit me,” and so on. You can read stories about how a man survives a divorce from his wife or a woman from her husband. They will help to inspire and understand that not everything is so bad.

3. Don't try to bring back the past. No need to look for ways to return to a past life and impose on the former half. Did you make the decision to leave on purpose? You should accept the fact of divorce and come to terms with it. Everything is done for the best.

4. Do not start a relationship out of anger. Many men and women after breaking up try to find a new partner. By this they want to show their value to the opposite sex and inject their ex-spouse more painfully. Maybe during the marriage you were considered the best, most interesting and attractive person, but during the period of the relationship, the former half suffered from the dissatisfaction of their needs. Therefore, inattention will repel even more or will not make any impression at all. But such actions will have a devastating effect on new relationships.

How to start a new life?

Psychologists identify several steps on how to easily survive a divorce and start over from scratch.

• Find the good in the current situation. In some cases, divorce can be interpreted as a positive outcome of the relationship. For example, the husband was an incorrigible alcoholic or despot, he even beat his own children. Agree that it is better to part with such a person and not spoil your life? Divorce will open up new opportunities, this is a chance to do what you previously limited yourself to. In addition, you can change yourself, your disposition, appearance, or even start your own business. In everything there are only pluses.

• Get rid of the memories. After the dissolution of a marriage, life should begin with a clean slate, not returning in thoughts to happy moments with an ex-husband or wife. Therefore, if you are thinking about how to survive a divorce, start getting rid of everything that reminds you of past relationships. You can burn photos, throw away gifts from your spouse, re-paste the wallpaper in the house, and so on.

• Make plans for the future. The scariest thing is to go into an uncertain future, so it’s better to think in advance what might await you there. For example, you will make repairs, climb the career ladder, go in for fitness or make new acquaintances. Think carefully about what you want, what you dream of doing in the future. It is best if thoughts are not just in the air, but are reflected on paper. Therefore, make a schedule or even a calendar plan that will show what goals you need to achieve. Keep them small, but doable for you.

Stages of divorce

To better understand how to survive a divorce, testimonials from men and women say that it is necessary to know what are the stages of going through a breakup.

1. Stage of denial. Many do not want to believe in what is happening and in every possible way convince themselves that nothing has happened. Psychologists insist that it is necessary to recognize the divorce that has occurred. This is very important, otherwise the depression will only drag on.

2. Stage of anger or aggression. When a person understands what happened, he begins to get angry at himself or the traitor. These are completely normal feelings after a breakup, so don't blame yourself for them.

3. Period of negotiation or manipulation. At this time, there is a desire to return the former half. Moreover, everything can be used: money, living space, children, a fictitious illness or pregnancy. Psychologists advise not to take such actions, but only to drive away bad thoughts from yourself.

4. The occurrence of depression. Feelings of unhappiness, longing and resentment come. I don’t want anything, the mood and trust in the opposite sex disappear. Just at this stage, many begin to look for advice on how to survive a divorce from a wife or husband. It is important to survive the depression, not make it worse.

5. Stage of adaptation. Only during this period, people who survived the dissolution of marriage begin to adapt and get used to a new life. Wounds are healed, grievances are forgotten and there is a desire to start a new family.

Only after going through all of the above stages can you survive parting. Moreover, it is important to help yourself on each of them. But how much divorce is experienced depends on the person and the specific situation. For example, the period of acute pain can last up to two months. The adaptation phase usually lasts from two to six months. The recovery phase can last from six months to a year. But you can finally come back to normal in a year or even two. As you can see, you need to be patient in order to survive this difficult period.

Features of rupture during pregnancy

As a rule, parting with the participation of a pregnant woman occurs in a very young couple. Moreover, the initiator, most often, is a man who is not ready for responsibility. If life did not work out from the very beginning, then divorce is most likely only for the better. It is important for girls not to flatter themselves with hopes that their husband will come to his senses and return. In most cases this does not happen. The sooner a woman realizes this and begins to deal with how to survive the betrayal of her husband and divorce, the sooner she will be able to start an affair and find a father to the child.

During pregnancy itself, psychologists recommend brushing aside negativity and bad thoughts. It is important to focus on the upcoming birth and the health of the baby. This will not be possible if the expectant mother is constantly in tears. You need to take care of yourself, your child, try to survive and become the best parent. It must be remembered that experiences greatly harm the fetus! The help of girlfriends alone may not be enough, so you should not be shy about seeking professional advice from a doctor and a psychologist.

Experiencing divorce with children

Family conflicts are always more difficult to resolve if the spouses have a common child. In difficult situations, these are permanent courts, an aggravated division of real estate, property, and even offspring. Some even face the task of how to survive a divorce with two children.

Under such circumstances, it is important for parents to try to remain friends, because meetings with the child are inevitable. Children feel the emotional state of mom and dad and unconsciously copy it, especially if they are small. Also, you can’t set your children against one of the spouses or limit their communication (unless, of course, this is prohibited by the court), this will only aggravate the situation. Discussing the reasons for divorce with children is also not worth it, but convincing them that they are still loved is a must.

Psychologists recommend educating and planning a child's life. If a move is inevitable, then you need to think about a new school, circles and leisure time for the holidays. Let the former spouse also take an active part in the upbringing. High school students and students are easier to relate to the divorce of their parents, so it will be easier with them.

How to deal with infidelity and divorce

It is always more difficult to forgive a spouse if another woman or man became the reason for the breakup. Suffering only intensifies, because betrayal is a serious betrayal. If a divorce has already occurred, then psychologists recommend only one thing - to understand and come to terms with the fact that this was not your person.

You can’t compare yourself with a rival, try to find cons in yourself and beg your ex to return. Also, many make a mistake when they start blackmailing children or property. Then how to survive betrayal and divorce? Just let the person go, forgive him, wish him happiness and move on with your life. Let him create a new family, and you will definitely be happy with another person.

Divorce after 30

In fact, 30-35 years is still quite a very young age. Therefore, you should not live in memories and grieve for a long time about a failed marriage. The situation must be viewed in a positive light. You have already gained experience in building family relationships, housekeeping and work. If there are no children yet, you can focus on a career. This age is the most attractive for employers. You can also change your profession, get additional education or start traveling. With the advent of children, there will no longer be such opportunities.

Divorce after 40 years

At this age, family ties break up very often. Moreover, this may be due to a new period of "growing up", with a crisis stage. In general, general recommendations will help in how to survive a divorce with a husband after 40 years or with a wife. In Russia, this age is no longer young, so many people are worried about the absence of children. The solution may be adoption or in vitro fertilization.

Loneliness after 50

At this age, it is most difficult to accept the situation of divorce, because youth is already far behind. In fact, life after fifty is just beginning! Surely the family has adult children and grandchildren with their own interests. You need to try to get close to them and put all your strength into them. They will help you get through this difficult time.

You can also forget about suffering if you open an exciting business in which you need to invest your whole soul. Sadness will pass, and there will be a feeling of transition to a new, better life stage.

All of the above recommendations of psychologists really work and help, so do not neglect them. For inspiration, consider some of the testimonials and stories of people who have experienced divorce. How did they deal with the situation?

An example of a husband cheating

Sometimes it happens like this: a woman realizes that a man is cheating on her. Although there was love, a common child, field trips, going to the cinema and so on. Usually a woman asks her husband to return for a long time, even begs him, but divorce is inevitable. After a while, she decides that she has had enough of humiliation, changes her image, hairstyle, wardrobe, loses weight and stops calling her ex-spouse. After that, he himself will begin to seek meetings with his child. Many friends after a divorce are advised to sign up for fitness and foreign language courses. This is a great chance to clean up and take the first step to visit another country. Perhaps a nice man will meet on the courses, and a relationship will begin. This happens to many women, they even remarry and live very happily.

An example when the wife is to blame

In some cases, only after marriage can a man realize that his wife is too demanding. She literally “nags” him, constantly tells him that he does everything wrong, although he tries, and his wife does not even notice it. And it is not surprising that a man can get himself a mistress, not knowing how to survive a divorce. Relations with a new passion are not always successful and it is impossible to forget the old love. A man gets depressed, but only work saves him. And it’s good if you get an understanding boss who will load you with orders for a while. So there will be no time for sadness and thoughts about personal life. Several years will pass, the man will fly up the career ladder, and will not even remember his ex-wife.

Despotic husband

It happens that a husband eventually becomes a tyrant, although he was a wonderful person. At first, he forbids the use of cosmetics, having beautiful things, chatting with girlfriends, and generally having personal space. The husband will dominate everything. Later, he will begin to show aggression, insult and humiliate. When the first assault occurs, sometimes a woman realizes that this can no longer continue. She filed for divorce without regret and went to live with her parents.

After the breakup, some girls sign up for psychological training. There they hear many similar stories of women who have gone through a divorce. A professional coach who conducts classes helps to increase self-esteem and love yourself. Women transform before our eyes. After the training, they find a good job, return their girlfriends and meet a worthy man.

Alcohol is the reason for divorce

In some situations, women leave men who abuse alcohol. They make bad family men, they do not strive for a good salary, they do not help with the housework, they do not devote time to their wife and child. They prefer to spend all their free time with their drinking companions. Women can not stand it and file for divorce. For some men, this turn of life becomes a good “shake-up”. They persuade their spouse to return for a long time and begin to act. The first thing, of course, is alcohol. A man can become so desperate that he will never drink again in his life. After some find a decent job, while others even open their own business. Seeing such changes, many wives return to their former spouses.

Now you know how easy it is to get over a divorce and start a new life. You should not withdraw into yourself and constantly grieve about a failed family. You need to accept what happened, tune in to the positive and move forward. In a few years, you will not even remember the divorce, because you will find new happiness.

When a young couple leaves the registry office hand in hand, they believe that everything has been decided, and nothing will overshadow their life. Unfortunately, more than 50% of couples return to this institution, but for a different reason. It does not matter on whose initiative people decide to take such a difficult step, it is important that they experience during this period.

Scientists have repeatedly proven that men and women do not find a common language just because they have a different perception of what is happening, different thinking, logic and globalization. In short, they are completely different. But life would be uninteresting if everyone thought the same way. Predictability makes relationships lean.

Unlike women, the average man tries to hide his emotions, most often he does not like to discuss personal problems even in a male company, therefore, few people know what happens to him during the divorce process and after it.

How do men survive divorce and do they do it at all

But the stronger sex, in essence, vulnerable people and even the slightest trouble for them can seem like a tragedy. Although sometimes girls wonder if men are going through a divorce at all. Resentment, sadness and even pain are hidden behind a calm appearance. But, before talking about their experiences, it is worth dwelling on the psychological portrait of each. The psyche of men can be divided into four main types (system):

• animal structure relies on instincts and reflexes;
• the system of biorobots adheres to its habits and automatism;
• the demonic order of men listens to their minds;
• the psyche of the human system trusts intuition.

All men's experiences depend on what kind of psyche dominates in them. The most difficult thing is for men with an animal type of psyche, since it is difficult for them to resist bed aggression. The fear of losing the habitual life overshadows the mind, and if a divorce is inevitable, then he cannot do without the help of a psychologist. Otherwise, a sloping line awaits him or worse.

The system of biorobots mindlessly follows the stereotypes, habits and traditions accepted in society. The collapse of marriage for them is practically the end of the world, but they can be controlled bypassing consciousness with the help of support from comrades or weighty arguments from their beloved mother. There are none - TV to help him.

For a man with a dominant demonic system, personal or planned calculations are in the foreground, so they will definitely find their interest in the divorce process, such an event for demons costs little blood. And if there is still no replacement for his wife, then in the near future he will fill this gap.

The human form of the structure of the psyche is quite rare. Men of this type will be ready for it long before the divorce. Not only that, they will manage to prepare a wife as well. Intuitive insights and soul clues allow a man to make decisions and draw conclusions without anyone's help.

How to survive a divorce from your wife?

Despite the attempts of new-fangled psychology to assert that it is time to break stereotypes, a man can do fine without a wife, and vice versa, human nature does not tolerate loneliness. And no matter how a man claims that he feels great after a divorce, he is tormented by thoughts of family ties. Each man experiences a divorce in his own way, but he did not bring benefits to anyone. Indelible spiritual scars remain, even if a temporary replacement has been found.

It's a paradox, but in most cases, the initiator of a divorce is a man, and a woman is behind the scenes. And they are accused of breaking up more often than women: “I couldn’t save the hearth, I didn’t care properly, I wasn’t smart enough ...”. Emotionally, women lead men through life, but how skillfully, divorce statistics say.

Surviving a divorce, as it turned out, is not easy for a man, but if there is no way back, then you need to learn how to live with it!

Communication

Try not to isolate yourself, chat with friends, attend events. Loneliness is not the best way to experience. Thoughts constantly fill the brain, self-flagellation begins, the search for reasons, and as a result, a showdown or a nervous breakdown. Don't bother, yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. Make yourself a gift to yourself and your friends - go on a trip.

Job

Men know how to fill their free time with work, a business trip can become a distraction. Productivity increases when you put all your emotional frustration into work moments. Stay at work overtime, try to give all your best so that at home you don’t have the strength to think about anything. In addition to the fact that a promotion is possible, such a pace of life is completely distracting.

Support

True friends won't let their friend go through a divorce alone. With them you can watch football and go fishing. And on those days when friends cannot pay attention, parents or close relatives will always come to the rescue.

Remember! Divorce is not the end, but a new round of life, and what it will be depends only on you.

How to help a man get over a divorce

Whatever the stronger sex, but among his brother there are personalities who are extremely hard going through a divorce, fill grief with a green snake, indulge in all serious, and even try to say goodbye to life. Such people need the help of a psychologist, or strong support from relatives and friends. But, keeping company in the absorption of alcohol is not a way out. You need to help a person learn to live a different life. For this, some nuances should be taken into account:

1. As a rule, after a divorce, family friends are divided into two camps. Some support the husband, others support the wife. So that the conflict does not escalate, it is advisable to deal correctly with friends of the opposite camp. Try not to heat up the situation by pouring mud on your ex-wife. The best option would be to establish friendly relations between the former spouses and her friends for further civilized communication.
2. It is undesirable to look for a new partner immediately after a divorce, since in the heat of the moment you can once again become a victim, or ruin the life of an innocent woman. It is unlikely that all steps are considered on emotions. Time heals, life makes its own adjustments, it is important not to rush and take what is happening as a lesson for future relationships. Friends are needed in order to patiently listen to all the complaints of the offended spouse, but not to allow manipulations on his part, not to regret, but to try to find a compromise through joint efforts.
3. Alcohol helps to forget for a while, but sobering up aggravates and exacerbates the pain, which again has to be washed down with alcohol. Accordingly, in addition to serious health problems and aggravation of the situation, alcohol will not bring. Close people should fill the void with a change of scenery or emotional conversations.
4. Anger, resentment and hatred can become bad helpers. If the divorce took place, then clarifying the relationship in a raised tone will not be able to improve relations, reduce pain, or improve mood. Bouts of negativity can be extinguished by physical labor.

How to survive a divorce for a man if he has a child

The verdict has already been passed, everything has been decided, the couple broke up. Nerves, tears, resentment - everything is insignificant in comparison with the experiences of children. They find it hard to understand why their family collapsed. But this is a separate conversation, but what should a husband who loves his child do? The cunning of women is incomprehensible, and manipulation and blackmail by children are their main weapons. The man has no choice but to go on about, so as not to lose contact with the child.

So here are some practical tips:

If the wife does not allow her husband to see the child, then scandals will not help. This is where a smart tactic is needed. First of all, she needs to give time to cool. Friends or relatives can come to the rescue, who will convince the wife of the need for communication between the father and the child. A sane woman will not deprive a child of a loving father. Well, if everything is more difficult, then it is better to rely on time. Children grow up, and good, warm memories of their father are deposited in their memory. And sooner or later the child himself will find a way to communicate with his father.

How long do men go through a divorce, and is this process difficult for a man?

As mentioned above, men are divided into several types of psychological structure. Each system experiences tragedy differently. Some men can endlessly marry and divorce without suffering much discomfort during divorces. Other men suffer until a comforter is found. And some are much less fortunate, and they can carry their experiences through the rest of their lives.

There are frequent cases of suicide or slow self-flagellation to the point of losing one's mind, and there are also many cases of sudden movement into the abyss of alcohol or drugs. For men of this type, one cannot do without the help of a psychologist.

Pain, both physical and mental, takes time, and no one can determine how much it will take. Much depends on the nature of the man, and on his employment, and on the circumstances associated with the divorce. Therefore, an individual approach is very important.

Self-esteem, a sense of ownership, male pride are hurt, self-esteem is reduced - these are important aspects for a man. Even the most imperturbable and cold-blooded man will not be able to remain indifferent in such a situation. But everyone should understand that it is possible to survive a divorce, this is not a disaster.

Practical advice from our psychologist Natalia Goryunova.

1. Undoubtedly, it will be easier for a man to survive a divorce if all his free time is filled. Work, hobbies, friends, relatives will help to cope with the current situation. Especially a favorite job.
2. Forcing the situation is not the best way out of depression. Self-flagellation or the search for the guilty lead men to a dead end or to alcohol. Therefore, a change of scenery, outdoor recreation, loading with work will bring more benefits.
3. A man needs to come to terms with what happened, take it for granted and irreversible, not only externally, but also internally. This is a fact that makes it possible to try yourself in a different role.

If you have your own tips, please write them in the comments!

The divorce process is an unpleasant procedure in itself. It entails both financial losses and nervous shocks. As for the first nuance, then the waste falls on the shoulders of both spouses, especially if they have common minor children. And for the second aspect, for some reason, they always support the girl. It is generally accepted that in a divorce, the injured party is always a woman. And it does not matter whether the spouses diverge on her initiative or on his. Indeed, often the way men experience a divorce is seen only by their close circle.

Also, often the strong half keeps everything in itself, which subsequently negatively affects their health. So it’s not clear who is even easier to survive a divorce: a woman who immediately splashes out all negative emotions and goes through the stages of denial, rejection, acceptance and calm in the coming months after a divorce, or a man who wears everything in himself, trying to seem calm and strong.

An Alternative to Divorce

How do men deal with divorce? First, let's try to dispel the myths on this issue.

One of the common ones is that a man gets divorced in order to get a long-awaited freedom. Yes, many representatives of the stronger sex cannot withstand the pressure of their wives, who constantly nag them about either friends or work. But in order to get rid of this, it is not necessary to get divorced. A man can just leave for a while and be alone. But then he will still return to his beloved, forbidding wife.

Indeed, after a divorce, the ex-husband, although he feels freedom, but she quickly bothers him. Then he again wants to be close to the woman who loves him. Therefore, in such cases, when he leaves you, most likely, someone appeared at the husband, and, choosing between you and his mistress, he made a choice not in your favor. And as practice shows, such decisions often end in nothing. Either the woman to whom he leaves is not ready for such a sacrifice, or the relationship is no longer interesting to both. Such an alliance ends quickly.

An enviable groom. Is this how a man becomes?

The second myth is that the ex-husband becomes an enviable groom. To some extent it is, but not immediately. How do men deal with divorce? At first, the representative of the stronger sex becomes very vulnerable. Therefore, he needs a woman rather as a vest in which to cry. And here, not many can agree to such an unenviable role, since they themselves understand everything and do not want to be an escort for a couple of meetings.

And the man, in turn, is not ready for a serious relationship. After some time has passed, when the storms of emotions subside and freedom begins to bring pleasure, he is ready to meet girls. But the downside is that he is ready to communicate with more than one woman. And not everyone will agree to such a role.

Well, when the first stages are completed, then the man is ready again for a serious relationship. But next to him there may not be the only one with whom he is ready to plunge into family relationships again. Either the women did not wait for him, or the ladies nearby were not the same. After all, a man will now more scrupulously look at his chosen one, so as not to step on the same rake.

Defensive reaction

Well, the third myth, which today's article is devoted to, is that men are easier to survive a divorce. The decent father of the family begins to lead a wild life. But this is rather his defensive reaction, since he does not quite understand how he should behave. And especially if the divorce was on his initiative, and everyone around begins to look at him with condemnation, supporting his ex-wife. Another not very pleasant aspect is housekeeping. He, perhaps, more than once imagined how everything would happen, but in reality it turns out not to be the way he wanted.

The dishes, it turns out, do not wash themselves, the food is not cooked, and the food in the refrigerator does not appear on its own. And here it is worth noting that it is much easier for women. They are already accustomed to doing household chores, and it even becomes easier for them to some extent. You don’t have to clean up your socks for anyone, wash the dishes, cook food, etc.

The opinion of others also plays a big role in how each person experiences a divorce. They can support or condemn. It is also much easier for a single man to adapt in society than a woman.

So how do men survive divorce? For the representatives of the stronger sex, this is a somewhat more global problem than for women, since it is limited in communicating with children. He no longer has the power to influence their upbringing as before. A man has to learn to live again in other, unusual conditions for him.

Child and divorce

What about a man whose child stayed with his mother? Now let's figure it out. As already noted, the most difficult thing for a man, especially if he was a loving father, is separation from children. Many women generally begin to manipulate the meetings of the father with the child. This causes the male psyche the most severe trauma. And here he is alone with this problem, especially if the spouse initiated the divorce. He has no supporters. After all, everyone believes that he deserved it and let him suffer now, since he himself is to blame for everything.

Do men go through divorce? Yes. As mentioned above, the first problems also arise with housekeeping. A man has to take care of himself, but he doesn’t know how to do it, because before his wife did everything. In addition, he is left alone with his problems.

And soon the bachelor life begins to become boring and becomes completely unnecessary for the man who dreamed about it. He begins to experience a stage of self-destruction. He drinks alcohol, promiscuity and many other bad habits appear. That is, he tries to get enough at once with everything that he lacked in marriage. And he does not realize that he is more and more drawn into the routine of obscurantism.

Male initiator

How does a man go through a divorce on his own initiative? The first thing an ex-husband does after leaving his wife is to collect promiscuity. Even if he left her for his mistress, the man quickly begins to realize that he is not ready for a new serious relationship. Now he wants to try a lot more sexually than another companion can give him. He begins to think that somewhere out there, sultry beauties are waiting for him, who will provide him with a range of unforgettable and colorful relationships.

But in reality, his dreams do not come true. Every new woman needs to be looked after. Promiscuous relationships can lead to a number of diseases. And as it turns out, none of the temporary mistresses is ready to adapt to him and treat him with understanding.

How to help a man get over a divorce? It is very important that in such a difficult period for him there are friends who can support him. You should not rush to extremes, but it is better to stay at home once again and spend time reading a book or other favorite pastime. You should not take revenge on your ex-wife if she was the initiator of the divorce. Try to be calm and balanced. It is better to direct all your energy into work or hobbies.

Remember that when you go through a divorce and blame it on everyone but yourself, your ex is also suffering. Better try to study your mistakes so that you don’t repeat them again.

How do men and women experience divorce? Both spouses are having a hard time parting, especially after many years of life. But each of them does it in their own way. Women in such situations are the most collected. Since now they have to answer not only for themselves, but the burden of responsibility also falls on their shoulders for the children who will now grow up without a father. Whatever it is, remember that you must always remain human. Therefore, you should try to maintain friendly and respectful relations.

Conclusion

Now it’s clear how a man can survive a divorce from his wife. In any case, each partner needs support. Therefore, friends and relatives should help former spouses.

Divorce is a terrible blow to the very foundation of human existence, after which one may never recover. The consequences will remain in any case, but whether these consequences will be tragic for our future fate or whether we will come to something new and good depends on our actions in the process of experiencing and overcoming a divorce.

First of all, it is necessary to understand the causes of what happened. After all, thoughts about our fault, about the fault of the second person, about the fact that there could not have been a divorce, “if not for ...” are one of the most painful during this period.

Why does divorce happen? In the psychological literature and in the explanations of those who divorce, more than a dozen reasons are mentioned: the husband cheats or drinks or earns little, the wife is stupid, does not correspond to ideals or constantly “nags”, “didn’t get along” and so on. But we must understand that these explanations do not speak about the reason for the divorce, but about the reason for the conflict. There are many ways out of the conflict, and divorce is only one of them, and, probably, the most unconstructive.

There are two fundamental attitudes of spouses towards each other in a conflict situation. The first - cognitive - is the desire to understand the spouse and find out your role in his actions, despite the pain it causes. The second - protective - consists in attempts get away from pain, defend yourself, protect yourself from attacks, and even attack yourself. The second strategy is most successfully implemented in divorce - a legal way to eliminate a loved one as a source of pain. In rare, especially pathological cases, this strategy is justified. But it is justified much less often than it is resorted to.

Protecting themselves from pain, the spouse blames the other for everything and refuses to understand their contribution to the conflict situation, as a result they carry their part of unconstructive behavior into the future life. And then in a new family, if it is formed, they create similar conflict situations. As a result, a person is forced either to “run away” from pain all his life, and in fact - from himself, or at some point to gain courage and face the truth. But then the pain for the lost years will be added ...

A paradox arises: divorce is psychologically safe only when conflicts are resolved. Allowed in the situation in which they arose, with the same spouse. But if conflicts are resolved, then why divorce?

Grief works for us

Very often, the pain of divorce is more difficult for those who did not want a divorce, who tried to rectify the family situation. In worldly terms, the one who was "abandoned". The first reaction is shock. The world seems to be dissolving in a fog, a person does not want to contact the reality in which his family no longer exists. He denies, does not recognize the fact that they left him. A person thinks that his beloved or beloved will now change his mind and say that it was a rash act, that we must still try to straighten out relations and stay together. An abandoned person lives in the past and does not recognize the fact of loss.

Often people in this state become very intrusive, constantly calling their spouse who has left them or following him, perceiving him still as something of his own, thereby further alienating him from himself. In such situations, the paradox of passion begins to work, the essence of which was precisely expressed by A. S. Pushkin: “the less we love a woman, the more she likes us.” Therefore, even if a person hopes for a miracle and wants to return everything as it was, then, paradoxically, for this it is necessary to recognize the fact of loss, to agree that you have been abandoned, that you continue to live alone, that there is no return to the past. And even if someday this person returns to you, then this will be a new relationship. To agree with this means to agree that life goes on, and at the same time means to agree to the abyss of pain, anger, despair, hopelessness, longing, guilt - almost all negative feelings that immediately arise. It hurts alone, it hurts with people, and it hurts especially when you have to see your departed spouse. This is one of the reasons why fathers temporarily or permanently stop communicating with children who are left with their mothers.

Anger arises as a reaction to an obstacle to achieving the desired. When a person admits that the family has died, there is a strong anger at the culprit of this - the departed spouse. The abandoned spouse partly feels raped - in the sense that they did something to him against his will that he did not want, and forced him to go through such terrible pain. Therefore, the degree of aggression can reach the desire to kill or maim an already ex-husband or wife for refusing to live together.

When the understanding comes that anger is a bad adviser, that manifestations of anger can lead to irreparable mistakes, there is actually a reaction of acute grief, melancholy, despair, hopelessness. It is at this phase that the main constructive work of grief takes place, - in the words of the psychologist F.E. Vasilyuk, the translation of what happened into the past, "the creation of memory." Here a person coexists in two worlds - in the past, with his spouse, and in the present, alone. Here, in the abyss of despair, the man himself lets go of his spouse, leaves him only as a memory in which they are still together, in order to continue to live a separate life, to go their own way. F. E. Vasilyuk: “at this moment, not only does the separation, rupture and destruction of the old connection take place, as all modern theories believe, but a new connection is born. The pain of acute grief is not only the pain of decay, destruction and death, but also the pain of the birth of a new one. What exactly? Two new selves and a new connection between them, two new times, even worlds, and an agreement between them” (1).

Thus, having passed through the crucible of suffering, and only in this way, we will be able to regain our integrity, learn to live in the present again and enjoy life, forever leaving in our memory those times when “we”, or rather, “they”, were together. A new acquisition of oneself, the fullness of life, the ability to live in the present and enjoy life is impossible without the “creation of memory” about the departed spouse and the destroyed family, without experiencing grief. It is to survive, and not to jump over or to make it so that you close your eyes, but open them - it no longer hurts. Dealing with grief is the main challenge.

Divorce - divorce

Divorce includes a legal, physical, economic and emotional component. Divorce is the termination of interactions at all these levels. Legally, this means officially divorce. Physically - not living under the same roof (and not spending time visiting each other). Economically - resolve all economic and material disputes with each other. Emotionally - completely free from the experiences associated with the former spouse. Ideally, of all feelings, only sadness should remain, sadness in Pushkin's sense: "my sadness is bright." This is the memory of the good that was, and the knowledge acquired by bitter experience about what my actions can destroy a family.

If you need to continue to communicate with your ex-spouse (for example, about raising children together), then the relationship should be smooth, calm, friendly and respectful. This can be called equal cooperation. Many offer each other to "remain friends", but this is a crafty position. After all, friendship is a very important and significant component of marital relations. “To remain friends” in this case means “to remain spouses in some way”. And this means at least a dishonest position in relation to the future spouse (if any) and the basis for disagreement with him. This is an "under-divorced" scam. In this case, probably, the spouses should generally think about the need for a divorce.

Another version of the "under-divorce" is endless litigation and the division of property (and in the worst case, children). Former spouses hate each other, but hatred means emotional closeness, albeit with a negative sign.

Any unresolved (consciously or involuntarily) issue in the economic, legal or physical field leads us to emotional intimacy, i.e. to the lack of freedom for changes in life and for the creation of a new family. We "stop" our lives at the point of divorce. As one song says: "Together it is impossible and apart - no way." Therefore, if we get divorced, then - completely, to the end.

The Art of Divorce

What should be done so that the experience of grief does not drag on longer than necessary, and does not develop into depression? Here are some of the "pitfalls" that await you along the way.

Friends. Divorce divides the mutual friends of the spouses into two camps. Some are more sympathetic to the husband, others to the wife. This is fine. But we must not forget that later we will also have to communicate with friends from the "opposite camp", at least - to say hello when we meet. This does not mean that you do not need to share your experiences with friends - you need to, that's what they are friends for. But it is very important not to involve them in the accusations of the spouse. In addition, one must be very careful in relation to friends of the opposite sex. A situation where a husband's friend consoles his wife before midnight will not lead to anything other than aggravating the conflict. Even if all this time he only tells his wife what a wonderful husband she has. But there's nothing to be done: friends are known in trouble.

From this point of view, for the necessary consolation, it is better to resort to parents or brothers or sisters (but in no case to children, no matter how old they may be), or to childhood friends. Moreover, it must be remembered that no friend, no specialist, and no person at all basically incapable walk with you the path of suffering from beginning to end. This path is yours alone. The only person who is able to be there every minute and relieve suffering is Jesus Christ. To do this, you need to turn to Him in unceasing and humble prayer.

New partner. Here, in my opinion, it is obvious that starting a new relationship while you are still emotionally connected with the previous spouse is, firstly, dishonest towards a new partner, and secondly, dangerous: there is a great chance to create an eternally depressed family environment. A new partner will certainly ease the experience, but in fact this is not a relief, but postponing the work of grief for the future. This is a kind of rejection of negative experiences. And when a person refuses to experience grief, then, paradoxically, positive emotions also go away. If trouble came, but “the gate did not open,” then trouble will still stand at the gate. So all feelings, both negative and positive, go away. "Feeling of loss of feelings" is one of the symptoms of depression.

The same can be said about alcohol. Alcohol, of course, temporarily alleviates the condition, reduces anxiety. But we must not forget that this is only the first, momentary effect of alcohol. It allows you to not worry for a while. But then alcohol acts as a depressant (which it is). The same problems pile up, plus the symptoms of poisoning, plus a sense of guilt for their weakness.

Sleep and appetite disorders. Sound sleep and a good appetite are the key to our physical well-being. Even if we have mental anguish, the body must be in working order. Therefore, sleep and appetite disturbances are a sufficient reason for contacting a doctor - a psychotherapist, who now accepts in almost any clinic. It is important not to self-medicate, as most anti-anxiety medications are addictive.

Hatred. Anger is a normal reaction to a divorce situation. But what about him? His discharge directly in relation to the departed spouse will lead, in addition to the problems associated with breaking the law, to an unbearable feeling of inner emptiness, to a feeling of something irreversibly broken in the soul. To bitterness and the desire to destroy everything further. But it’s also impossible to pretend that there is no hatred, because then it “eats” from the inside of its “owner”: a person becomes bilious, angry, again - devastated, and over time - seriously physically ill.

There are many ways to process negative feelings. Most of them come down to expressing these feelings in a safe way - in the imagination (imagine that your spouse is sitting in an empty chair in front of you and tell him whatever you want), or on paper (write a “letter” to the offender in which to tell about all your experiences, then burn the letter, or better, bury it), or with the help of creativity (draw or mold your “anger” from plasticine, and then with the help of small additional strokes turn it into something positive or calm - you can even into “love” ). Another way that you need to be aware of precisely as a way to deal with your own anger is to imagine that you give your loved ones some small joys: first to your parents, then to your children, then to your spouse. And there really is something to “give” to him or her in this situation, and not in the imagination, but really: somewhere to make a concession, somewhere to give up claims, somewhere to stop constantly calling, in general - to somehow alleviate for him or her the situation of divorce.

Anger is a feeling that requires motor discharge, so it is useful to overcome anger by doing some kind of physical work or exercise (best of all, with a slight but prolonged load: jogging, skiing, cycling, etc.). But the best way to deal with anger is prayer. A simple prayer in your own words is enough, for example: “Lord, free me from hatred and anger” or something like that. Or: "God bless him!" If a person is not a believer, then you can turn to the "higher power", as you understand it (a term from the practice of "Alcoholics Anonymous"). By and large, methods of safe expression of anger can only discharge angry affect, but win hatred can only be the opposite of anger actions - actions dictated by love.

Resentment. Resentment is a complex feeling, in which manipulation takes an important part. We are offended in order to force the offender to change behavior, to do what we need. Therefore, in a situation of divorce, resentment becomes meaningless. Whatever we want from a spouse, we either no longer have the right to want it, or we shouldn’t, as this delays the separation. No matter how we have been offended, we must forgive it. That is, we have to admit that the former spouse does not owe us anything.

Grievances, of course, do not immediately go away, especially if this is the usual way of interaction. But after all, you have to grow up sometime (and resentment is mostly a childish way to achieve what you want), and divorce is the most favorable situation for this. The main thing is to understand that an unforgiven resentment will not allow you to get rid of the emotional connection with your ex-spouse. You can use the methods outlined above - they are suitable for almost all negative feelings.

On the other hand, we can also be offenders. Therefore, just like forgiving, it is important to ask for forgiveness, both in general for everything and for each individual offense that you remember. It is also necessary to repay debts, to fulfill their promises. He promised to buy a fur coat - buy it, or at least express readiness for this (maybe the fur coat is no longer needed). At the very least, the rule is important here: only the one to whom you gave it can release a promise. If the fulfillment of the promise has become impossible, then it is necessary (and for a complete divorce it is necessary) to ask for release from it. For an unfulfilled promise, there is a chance to pay for a lifetime.

Guilt, shame and self-esteem. The situation when you are thrown is a powerful blow to self-esteem. A lot of disturbing questions pop up: “Why am I bad?”, “What is wrong with me?”, “What did I do wrong?” with a terrifying confirmation of reality: “Yes, you are subhuman, you are rubbish. Such rubbish that even your husband (or wife) left you (or left you). There is a wild conglomeration of feelings - self-abasement, self-sufficiency, guilt and shame, which are very difficult to deal with. Here it is important to understand what you are really guilty of, and what you are not.

First, let's look at the difference between guilt and shame (or false guilt). When they say: “You are to blame for this,” it means that you did something wrong. In the process of development, a sense of guilt is formed in a person at the age of about 3 years, when the little man finds the joy of the existence of his own “I”: “ I did it!", " I Want!", " I Don't want!" and so on. If a child, for example, broke a vase, then he is punished. But it is very important - why are they punished? For what took her without asking. For what useful where he can't. Guilt is always associated with human activity. A man can only be guilty of being real committed. And if a child who breaks a vase is punished for having crooked hands? Here we are no longer talking about guilt or guilt, but about shame.

Shame can be formed, according to some sources, even in the fetus. For example, if this child is unwanted. Shame is inactive. Shame is imposed by parents who blame the child not for what he did, but for the fact that he is, that he is a burden, that he "turned out wrong." Shame is always pathological, except when ashamed of someone else. That is: I may be ashamed of my son if, for example, he beat a girl. I am not directly to blame for this, I would not beat her. But this is my son, and he has already done it. I'm ashamed. Unfortunately, a lot of people are, "thanks" to parental impotence, fear and educational illiteracy, carriers of a pronounced sense of shame.

So the feeling of shame is not a consequence of a divorce situation. Thoughts like “I’m somehow wrong” or “it’s all because of me” are always from childhood. Shame (false guilt) is a separate topic for working with a psychologist, and this is the topic of childhood and relationships with parents.

In a divorce situation, it is important that the feeling of shame does not complicate the picture of experiences. To do this, it is useful to remember that for exactly the same me as I am now, this person once married (married), and then there were no questions why I am like this and what is wrong with me. Then it was it's like that. In addition, for a believer (and it is also useful for a non-believer to know this), the question of his own “unfinished business” is impossible, since we are all created in the image and likeness of God. And no matter how born I am, no matter how I interfere with anyone with my existence, no matter how my parents treat me, no matter how anyone tells me that it would be better if I didn’t exist, - I am the image of God and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Another thing - is it my fault? Yes, of course, what happened is also my fault. But this is the task: to be honest with yourself and determine your guilt their lies, their mistakes. In order to remember them and not repeat them in the future. To become wiser.

But what about self-esteem? Why is she recovering? Some make up for this damage by going to work and increasing income, some by “extorting” a good opinion of themselves from others. But all this is too shaky and depends on many factors beyond our control. This is self-assessment based on the assessment of others. What is the basis for true self-esteem? Paradoxical as it may seem, but the very situation of divorce provides fertile ground for the formation of a correct, adequate and high self-esteem. If I did not respond with insult for insult. If I was able to forgive and let go. If I found the strength not to take revenge. If I found the strength in myself to suffer without blaming anyone. If I managed to maintain a respectful relationship. If, despite my pain, I continued to communicate with the child, and did not use it as a “container” for my anger or resentment. If I found the strength to admit my mistakes and apologize for them . If I did everything right.