Recent requests for help. Guilt in a child and its consequences Life without guilt is possible

Six years ago I went to a psychologist. She was recommended to me by friends, she was a candidate of sciences, she held a prominent position in the university, - in general, I trusted her.

At one of the meetings, I told her about my first birth, when I had an emergency caesarean. For me, that story was very painful, I worried for a long time that I could not give birth on my own, I was worried about the child, looked closely to see if everything was in order with him, attributed all his difficulties to caesarean and blamed myself ...

In general, the story was not easy for me.

And so this psychologist leaned back in her chair and authoritatively said to me:

Well, it's understandable why you had a caesarean. You just wanted your child to die.

I swear that's what she said, word for word. Now, of course, I know what I should have done then. Get up immediately and say goodbye to this woman forever (and do not pay for the meeting, in any case. This behavior of a psychologist is direct emotional abuse, in this case you are not required to pay for the session).

But I know this now, but then I had two small children, a lot of guilt in front of them, an authoritative psychologist, and many, many self-doubts.

And then I almost believed her. Not that I believed it, but sometimes I still thought: maybe it’s really my fault? Maybe it's about me, and the reason for the caesarean, and in general for all the troubles of my son, is me? Perhaps now it seems absurd to you: how could you believe it? When it comes to other people's children, we see everything soberly, but when it comes to our little one ... We are ready to believe anything.

If you have a child and the Internet, then you have almost certainly read and heard these “expert opinions”. Who write, for example, “up to seven years, parents are 100% responsible for the health and psyche of the child; all illnesses of the child are a reflection of the emotional background of the mother. This is a verbatim quote. Or “mother and child have one emotional field, and the mother transfers all her problems to the child, therefore all children’s illnesses are psychosomatic”, this is also a quote.

Then the child grows up, his problems grow with him: instead of broken knees, now there is dismissal, unhappy love and the search for the meaning of life. And somehow it turns out that we, mothers, feel guilty in all the problems of our children. They didn’t feed like that, didn’t bring them up like that, there was always not enough time, and in general, our children are “unloved” without exception.

The foundations of this delusion come from a superficial knowledge of psychology. When psychology as a science began to develop, it actively studied the family and the influence of the family on the child. And this is quite understandable: when nothing is really known in the new science, it seems logical to investigate what lies on the surface - the influence of the family. So they studied the family, and wrote books about the family, and looked for reasons in it.

And since dads rarely approached children in a family of the 19th-20th centuries, all the bumps fell on the mother. And in the middle of the last century, poor mothers were accused, it seems, of all the troubles of their children, and even of incurable diseases: listen only to the terms of that time:

- "Cold" or "frozen" mother (accused of childhood autism)

- "Schizophrenogenic" mother (accused of schizophrenia in a child)

- “Absorbing” or “merged” mother (accused of eating disorder in a child and of what she was not accused), etc. and so on.

It was very convenient to attribute all the troubles of children, even when these children had already grown up and had their own children, to the mother.

After all, no matter what happens to you in life, no matter what trouble you get into, you definitely once had a mother, and she definitely did something wrong! Found the root of all evil, hooray.

Of course, this point of view does not help anything, but only instills in poor mothers with an endless sense of guilt, shame and fear of moving again. It seems that no matter what I do, I will certainly inflict an unhealed mental trauma on my child. Here is such a scar (s).

Fortunately, psychology develops very quickly, and everything turned out to be not so simple. There are millions of mothers in the world who treat their child with restraint, or even detachment and coldness. But few children are born with autism.

There are millions of changeable, fickle, unstable mothers - but not all children suffer from schizophrenia.

Human health and psychological well-being are made up of many components. They can be roughly divided into three parts:

1. Biological context- what is in the genes (for example, both the autism mentioned above and schizophrenia are now considered genetically determined, and the mother has nothing to do with it), how the pregnancy proceeded, how the birth went, what diseases the person had, physique, hormonal levels, etc. P. No matter how overprotective a mother is, her daughter will not have anorexia if there is no corresponding genetic profile.

2. Social context- the environment in which a person lives and develops. This includes my mother, but besides her, all other relatives, friends, and, in a broad sense, society are included in the social context. As in "Three from Prostokvashino":

“It is necessary that there are dogs and cats in the house,and a whole bag of buddies. And all sorts of hide-and-seek hide-and-seek "...

Yes, mom is important, but she is not the only important person, and certainly not everything depends on her. In addition to mom, each of us has experienced thousands of events that in one way or another influenced our lives, and it is naive to think that mom can handle them all.

3. Psychological context- These are the characteristics of the psyche of a particular person. How he used to think, solve difficult situations, what is his emotional background, what are his interests, dreams, aspirations, abilities ... And most importantly, what no researchers and no mother can predict. This is a person's free will, his ability to choose and change his behavior.

A person is very difficult, and life is also difficult. And we cannot write off all the features of our children only on the fact that "when she was seven years old, I worked so hard, and I was not at all up to her."

Yes, you worked hard, and even then there were a million events that made your daughter or son what they are. Even then, her favorite parrot died, you got a dog, she had a fight with Katya, and became friends with Marina and Vika, and she loved her teacher very much, and then she spent two weeks in the hospital, and there the boy from the next ward shared sweets with her ... And all these details have formed into a kaleidoscope of your child's life, and are still forming into it.

I am writing this article with one single goal: to at least take a little off the endless feeling of guilt from mothers and say: listen, you are not to blame. Well, at least you are definitely not to blame for all the troubles of your child.

You are not omnipotent, but you are not powerless either. And even if many mistakes were made, and you could not be the mother you wanted, then you can do it now. Any minute.

You cannot shield your child from all troubles, but you can warm his life right now. Ask yourself: what kind of mother would I like to be for my child? Caring, loving, giving freedom, attentive, respecting his choice, helping?

Take a few minutes to find the right quality for you. And then ask yourself: what can I do for this in the coming days? Maybe it will not be easy to do - for example, I want to be the mother who gives the child freedom and the opportunity to grow up. And for this I want not to do everything for him and give the opportunity to make mistakes.

It's very difficult for me to watch him go wrong. But this is how I can be the mom I want to be.

Even if it already happened that he was born by caesarean.

Evgenia Dashkova, psychologist

photo depositphotos.com

To a kid from 3 to 5-6 years old, adults seem to be omnipotent, omniscient beings - well, just wizards. And the child is ready to jump out of his own skin, only to reach out to them (that is, to his parents) and become just as omnipotent and independent. (They paid attention: you play checkers, a ball, etc., the child lost - he doesn’t want to be a loser! - this is an echo of that very desire: to reach out to an adult, to become like an adult, to be on an equal footing with him).

An enterprising child makes plans, sets goals and strives hard to achieve them. And then he discovers that a "social taboo" has been imposed on many of his desires. You can’t, for example, marry your own mother, you can’t squeal and frolic when you ride in a trolley bus. The child knows that much of what he wants, parents will not approve. He is ready to go against the grain, but self-observation and self-control, which are only beginning to form at this age, are now forcing him to restrain himself.

But (that's the trouble!) Desires remain in the depths of the soul! And this discord "I know it's bad, but I still want it" makes the child feel guilty.

“What nonsense,” you say, “to have a desire and to fulfill a desire are not at all the same thing.” Yes, this is true, but only from our adult point of view. But children have their own logic, in many respects different from ours. For them, "feel" and "do" are very closely merged, they are almost the same thing.

In addition, while children are often unable to resist what they want. And - violate our prohibitions. If the parents shame the child for leprosy, he again feels guilty. And if they reprimand and shame very often, then the feeling of guilt firmly settles in his soul.

Many of our adult complexes and oddities come from there.

Guilt and its consequences

More than anything, Nina loved dumplings. But not everyone, but those that her mother sculpted. Mom was a native Siberian, and her dumplings were just amazing. Nina also loved the manufacturing process itself - moreover, for two things at once: for cutting dough out of a huge cake with a glass and putting minced meat on a round cake with a dessert spoon, and for the fact that it was a fun, long and tasty business. And mom was cheerful and ruddy and a little dirty with flour, and dad and Nina helped and got dirty, and slowly bit off the dough, and everyone laughed and told her: "Be patient!" Dumplings were made for a long time - all day, and only on special occasions. Today was just like that: a miner's day. And daddy's miner friends and their miner's wives were supposed to come for dumplings.

In the evening, everything was ready for the meeting of the guests: the table was set, the plates-cups were put out, and the famous dumplings, portion after portion, were flopped into a large saucepan. Then my mother caught them with a huge spoon, put them in a huge dish and, closing the lid, wrapped them up so that they would not cool down. Then mom and dad went to meet the guests, and Nina stayed in the kitchen - closer to the dumplings. She moved her nose, smelling her favorite aroma, looked through the crack (where are the guests, what if the dumplings get cold?) And waited. She sat and patiently waited, but the guests still did not come, and it was good to hear how on the street, under the window, mum and dad were whispering cheerfully about something.

Nina unwrapped the twist - just like that - and began to sniff further. Then she moved the lid - a little, then lifted it, sat, thought and ate one dumpling. She, of course, knew that it was uncultured to eat one ... but ... in general, then she ate another, a third ... then (after all, the tastiest dumplings are in the middle!) She began to undress them. Carefully, like a pearl diver, she opened a sea shell and, having fished out the filling, blew for a long time, then swallowed it, and carefully sent the flour flaps back into the bowl. Then a cat approached Ninochka - a public, yard cat. Nina thought that this was a guest, and guests should be treated. So they sat and ate until all the whole dumplings ran out. Nina very carefully covered the bowl, and just then her parents returned with a noisy gang of guests.

"I'll never leave the kitchen," Nina thought and pressed herself into a stool.

One could hear the guests seated around the table, chirping merrily. Mom came, picked up a dumpling dish: "Ninochka, why aren't you coming to us?" she asked and left the room. There they began to chatter even louder, clapped their hands: "Oh, dumplings! dumplings!" The smiling mother took off the lid and... picked up someone's plate and put the first "peel" into it. "What is this?" she asked quietly.

Then it suddenly became quiet... Then Nina was called to the table...

She vaguely remembered what happened next. They say that the guests were dying of laughter, and dad shook his finger at her, and mom blushed and was silent, and Nina, looking at her, was about to roar, but for some reason did not roar.

In general, she nodded her head and promised never, never again ...

And you know what's interesting: she kept her word.

Almost half a century has passed since then. But I still don't touch dumplings: I can't stand them.

Who is guilty? Parents? Perhaps no one is to blame. There was just a mistake that (unknowingly) was not corrected in time, and that left a trace, like a scar. They didn’t think, didn’t think of it - and provoked the child into petty hooliganism. Young children have little control over themselves, and "I want" often outweighs moral standards. There was no need to leave a full plate in plain sight, under the baby's nose. How not to leave money, matches, sharp and breakable objects, valuable trinkets and other temptations in sight, especially when friends come to visit your child. And not because they are bad, but because they are still small.

What to do with a child who did not keep within the limits of decency (which you set for him) and now feels guilty? Of course, try to get rid of guilt. - destructive emotion, and the children, instinctively feeling this, try to get rid of it. And they have very unsympathetic ways.

1 way. Repentance. Tears and repentance do not always help.

2 way. Self-punishment. "Guilty" is so uncomfortable that the child is looking for how to punish himself and thereby atone for guilt. He literally gets into trouble. Can fall, hit hard, fight. He behaves defiantly, does everything in defiance. He provokes his parents to punish him. As if he said to himself: "Oh, am I bad? If you think so, then I will be bad. If you punish me, then we'll see."

Children who feel guilty behave worse than usual.

3 way. Forwarding. In his mistakes, the child begins to blame not himself, but the other. And he does it quite sincerely, because he himself believes in it!

"I could not sleep in the garden. The boys interfered with me. They chatted among themselves and between me!" - said Lenya when the teacher complained about his hooligan behavior during a quiet hour.

That is why children so often make excuses and prove "I'm not to blame, she herself ...". And this is not a reason to blame them, this is an occasion to think about their parents.

If now the child often finds himself "guilty", then over time the "guilt" takes root. He gets used to blaming - himself, other people or circumstances. He loses self-confidence and turns into a non-initiative person. At the same time (outwardly) he may seem violent, active and noisy, but, when faced with difficulties, he will not take risks, he will not take a step, but will hide or retreat: "no matter how something happens ....". A person without initiative achieves little in life, but he gets used to directing all his strength in search of someone to blame.

What to do if "dumplings are still stolen":

Don't shame by making you feel guilty.

Clearly and distinctly tell the child what he did wrong and why you are unhappy.

Always give the opportunity to correct a bad deed!

Show and suggest how this can be done.

From now on, do not provoke the child, remembering his age characteristics (no need to invite a bunch of kids into a room with an expensive service or leave access to mom's cosmetics).

Check (analyze) your actions. Are you forbidding too much? Are you depriving your child of initiative?

Remember that children cannot sit still and be bored.

Give a lesson, suggest an idea, organize ... in general, keep busy. (By the way, the main thing for preschool children is to play, so they master the world and get used to it themselves. Create conditions and play with them.)

We often confuse responsibility with obedience, accuracy, and the success of our child in the public arena. But responsibility is something else. Cm.

Vita, as far as I know her, has always been a positive person. The girl looked at life with optimism, never entered into a confrontation with anyone and did not complain about anything. It was doubly surprising that her little son was ill so often. If fate punishes such people... After all, from an esoteric point of view, Vita's ability not to get hung up on difficulties should have given rise to only positive events in her life. What then is wrong?

Vita herself was anxiously wondering why the baby was so sick, dropping another potion into his spoon. Her son is up to 1 year old, which was supposed to provide the baby with strong immunity. All summer the child was tempered, resting with his parents near open water. Vita also did not lean on drug treatment, being afraid to stuff the child with drugs. At the first manifestations of a runny nose or cough, the girl tried to solder the child with herbal teas, carefully cleaned the nasal cavity with saline. But endless tracheitis, bronchitis, otitis, tonsillitis pursued the child, leaving him practically no healthy days in the year, and exhausted his mother, who was trying not to lose heart. If the situation with the child of the main character reminds you of your own, then let's try to look at it from a somewhat unconventional esoteric angle and figure out what parental mistakes can be and why our children really get sick.

“I wish that your children do not get sick”, “Lord, at least my baby does not get sick” - how often do we mentally or aloud express such wishes! Of course, we do this with the best of intentions, considering the health of children to the most important life aspirations. But the whole trouble is that the Universe does not understand the meaning of the “not” particle. You say “so that the kids don’t get sick,” and she, like an echo, hears “sick, hurt.” You say “if only my baby didn’t get sick”, and she hears “sick, sick” ... That's why, when formulating your desires, it is extremely important to avoid denials. It is correct to say “I wish the children were healthy” or “Lord, if only my baby was always healthy.” Such direct wishes will be interpreted literally by the Universe.

The second reason why a child can often get sick is the constant fears of his mother. Having suffered a serious illness of her child once, the mother begins to fear a relapse, to look closely, listen to the child in search of symptoms of a past disease. The Universe perceives this fear as a kind of excess potential, an accumulation of energy. The trouble is that the Universe does not like excess potentials, whether it be strong delight, fear, doubt or desire for something or someone. Any large cluster with any sign (positive or negative) the Universe seeks to smooth out and balance as soon as possible. And she does it in the simplest, shortest way. What is the easiest way to remove the fear of the mother? Realize it! If the mother's worst fears are confirmed, i.e. the child gets sick, then the power of fear goes away. The child has already fallen ill, there is no more fear about this, the fear has simply been realized, and now all the efforts of the mother are switched to healing the child. Yes, there are other anxieties associated with the course of the disease, but this is another excess potential, from which the Universe will also strive to get rid of.

How to do right? After all, fears are so difficult to control! And yet it is possible. To begin with, try to at least visually "pretend" to yourself that you are not afraid of a possible child's illness. You are already an experienced mother, you know how to act with a variety of symptoms of the disease, you know how to help. So why this premature panic? As you become accustomed to playing outward calmness, you will gradually learn to keep fear out of yourself as well. Thanks to this, excess potential will not be created around you, and this will stop attracting diseases to your child.

The third reason why our children often get sick is the “savoring” of this topic among relatives and friends. We call a friend: “Oh, Len, can you imagine, Masha got sick again, they just got cured, and the runny nose started again. Well, can you imagine? I don't have any strength anymore." Then we call our mother: “Mom, the news is bad, Masha got sick again. Yes. Woke up today with snot. And he's already coughing. Some kind of lethargic. Say the temperature is rising. Again, everything is in a circle. I'm just desperate." And then we call five more girlfriends, and so on and so forth. We seem to swing the pendulum of illness, revel in our trouble. It seems to us that in this way, after talking with loved ones, it will become easier for us. In fact, at the energy level, we “feed”, give ground for its progression and relapse. Therefore, it is better not to ring about the child's illness right and left. If you really need to relieve stress, then share your grief with the closest person, but do not multiply the news about the disease. Instead, spend your time and energy visualizing your child's recovery. Imagine how he wakes up cheerful and healthy, how he goes to school, plays in the yard with friends. In no case do not let inside yourself the thought that everything will get worse, that you will need the help of a doctor and the use of antibiotics.

And finally, another common cause of our children's illness can be the mother's constant guilt. There is an opinion in our society that the Lord can punish a person through the illness of his child. Because of this, mothers often take the illness of their child as a punishment for this or that misdeed in life. Sometimes a woman may feel remorse for cheating on her husband, for a tense relationship with her parents, and subconsciously wait for punishment. When a child falls ill, a woman seems to calm down, feeling that in this way she redeems herself. Dealing with guilt is very similar to dealing with your fear. Try not to let these harmful feelings into yourself, and if they still sharpen you, then at first visually remain calm, do not discuss your experiences with anyone, and they will gradually leave you. Publicly avoid statements like “It’s all my fault…”, “It’s only my fault here”, etc. They invariably give rise to feelings of guilt followed by punishment.

Try to work with yours, do a general cleaning in it, realize that you yourself can be the cause of your precious baby’s illnesses, and you will see how the situation will gradually level off and your child will shine with health.

There is a harmful feeling that sometimes gnaws at many parents - guilt. It makes you remember what happened again and again, reproach yourself, apologize to the child. And when you manage to cope, a new situation may arise, where the feeling of guilt will again make itself felt.

The wisdom of a mother is to be able to control her emotions. But if there are signs of burnout, aggravated by chronic fatigue, sometimes you can’t control yourself. Therefore, if you often feel guilty about your child, perhaps you need to change your routine and rest more often. Then there will be less negative emotions. And the advice of a child and family psychologist will help to cope with feelings of guilt. Catherine Kes.

Remind yourself often of the following: suggests specialist:

1. Then, precisely in the circumstances in which I was, I could not do otherwise. It is now clear to me how it would be better to act, but then I did not understand this.

2. I did not do this because I wanted to cause harm on purpose. At that moment, I did not realize what I was doing and what the consequences might be.

3. Then I just couldn't handle my feelings. I didn't have bad intentions. There was a lot I didn't know and didn't understand. Today I know more.

4. Thanks to the mistakes I made in the past, today I am exactly the way I am. I understood myself and others more, I began to understand my child better.

5. I have learned a lot and continue to learn. I do my best not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

6. I'm not perfect and I can sometimes make mistakes.

7. Today is a new day. There has never been such a day in my life and never will be again. It's up to me how I live it.

8. I don't set big goals like "Never scream again." I have a small goal for today - not to yell at the child just TODAY and spend more time with him, playing and doing what he wants.

9. If I start to get angry and annoyed, then I remember my little goal “Today do not yell at the child”, I breathe deeply and try to calm down.

10. I will bond with the child during the day, speak kindly and remain calm.

11. I forgive myself for everything I did before and let go of my past. The past has no power over me.

12. Every day I live a new day, which is not like all the others. I accept and love myself.

Moms responded to these tips. And it turned out that point number 8 turned out to be the closest, in which the parent promises herself to keep her emotions under control today. But this is wise! Making a promise to yourself not to do something never, never, many can break it. And this is new remorse and a new sense of guilt.

It is much easier psychologically to set a small goal for TODAY. I will use it not only in communication with a child, - one of the users of the Network shares.

Do you feel guilty about your child? How do you deal with it?