Fear of sexual intercourse. Fear of sexual intimacy: On the causes and methods of getting rid

Fear of sex is a common phobia that is easy to overcome if you know the origins of the problem and solutions. How to overcome fear and become happy in intimate life?

The fear of intimate relationships is familiar not only to young young people and girls, even adults with extensive experience face psychological problems in sex.

Why does it happen that such a pleasant activity - sex, gives rise to fear and other negative emotions?

Causes of a phobia

The origins of the problem can lie both in a person’s childhood and be far-fetched. Knowing the reason for this behavior, you can easily find a solution to the problem.

Psychological trauma of childhood

Perhaps the most difficult cause of a phobia. Children, especially girls, may at one time have experienced some form of violence against their integrity.

Even if specialists worked with the child and the first consequences of the trauma were overcome, the fear of sex and any relationship can manifest itself at a more conscious age.

Boys can also suffer from psychological trauma. But here the reason may be the attitude of parents to the issues of sexual education. For example If a mother once “caught” a teenage son for masturbation and inspired him that this occupation is very dirty and shameful, then the boy may develop a fear of intimacy.

What to do?

If a girl or a young man is still burdened by childhood traumas, it is worth going to a competent psychologist. We have a happy future in our hands, filled with the joy of intimacy, so you can’t run away from your sexual side of your personality.

Bad past experience

Fear of sexual relationships can be caused by negative experiences. A person, by his psychology, is more inclined to “get stuck” in negative memories. Therefore, every time before a possible intimate rapprochement, past memories pop up in memory, preventing you from enjoying the moment.

Young people who once failed to have sexual intercourse can worry about their "inferiority" for a long time. Fear of a new failure is stronger than the desire for sex with a partner.

What to do?

If you are haunted by a negative experience, and you can not overcome the fear of sex, try to "work through" these emotions:

1. Concentrate on the possible positive moments in intimacy, remember more often the positive experience of getting closer to your partners.
2. Share your feelings with a partner. Close trusting relationships will help to cope with phobias.
3. For men, erectile-enhancing drugs can help overcome fear and become more confident. But do not get carried away with potency stimulants, if there are no physical reasons for a weak erection, try to remove the psychological sources of the problem.

Complexes and self-doubt

The fear of entering into close relationships can be caused by complexes about appearance:

• More often this phobia affects women. They have complexes about being overweight, cellulite, wrinkles, stretch marks and other supposedly flaws in appearance.
• Men may avoid sex for fear of being ridiculed by their partner because of their modest dignity.

What to do?

All complexes about appearance are most often far-fetched. Even if there really are flaws, this is not a reason to deny yourself the joys of sex.

The first thing to do is raise your self-esteem. Just communication with an attentive and sensitive partner, who does not care about the features of the appearance of a loved one, can help overcome all complexes. If a partner chose you, then you are sexually attractive to him.

Fear of getting pregnant and getting STDs

Fear of sex is often caused by objective reasons, for example, a girl is afraid of becoming pregnant or contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Most often, this phobia manifests itself in a new partner with whom a trusting relationship has not yet been established.

A man may also be afraid of suddenly becoming a father or contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

What to do?

Possible pregnancy and illness is not a reason to completely abstain from sex. Today there are remedies that prevent unwanted pregnancy and protect against viruses and diseases of the genital area.

Of course, all of them do not provide 100% protection. But you can overcome the fear of sex if you do not enter into a close relationship with a person with whom a trusting relationship has not yet been established.

Do not drown out the fear of getting pregnant and contracting diseases with the help of alcohol, as you will only exacerbate the problem. If in doubt about a partner, do not have sexual relations with him. Wait for the moment when you can fully trust him, and the fear will pass.

Fear of sex

Phobias in sexual life manifest themselves differently in men and women, have their own characteristics.

In men

Men suffer from phobias in sex less often than the fair sex. Their fears are most often associated with a fear of failure, complexes about their ability to please a woman.

The image of an alpha male, brutal and self-confident, which all women like, has developed in society. Actually, it is not. Women like different men, moreover, for smart and mature women, the appearance of a man is in third place after intelligence and masculine character traits.

Men's fears about the size of manhood are also unfounded. Most men have an average penis size that is completely satisfying for women.

Men who actively act in films "for adults" most often have physical data that exceeds the average man.

A man who is familiar with the fear of sex should first of all establish a trusting relationship with his partner, then there will be no problems with erection, and the atmosphere of intimacy will contribute to mutual enjoyment.

Among women

Women who are worried about upcoming intimacy with a man should think about the origins of the problem. Adequate self-esteem, self-confidence and trust in a partner contribute to the removal of far-fetched complexes and fears.

There are women who have a phobia manifested in the fear of disappointing a partner. The fear of looking like a “log” in bed stops some women from enjoying sex. Here it is worth noting that phobias and stiffness only exacerbate the problem.

Trust a man with your emotions, and he will be happy to help you open up and give free rein to your feelings. Not all men love overly sexy women, there are those who are "turned on" by modest women who blush at every occasion.

First experience

Fear of losing your virginity is a fairly common phobia. Not only girls suffer from it, but also young guys.

What are girls afraid of?

• In the beautiful half of humanity, the fear of the first sex is caused by objective reasons - physical pain, fear of getting pregnant, fear of being abandoned by a man.
• Girls can be brought up too strictly, and torment about judging parents is added to the fear of physical pain. Sex is viewed as a dirty and base process that carries more negative than positive emotions.

What are guys afraid of?

• A young man is most often afraid before the first sexual intercourse with a woman "to lose face."
• The fear that the erection will suddenly weaken, or ejaculation will occur too quickly, makes many men avoid women.
• They are afraid not to satisfy their partner, to disappoint her.

A trusting and deep relationship with a loved one will help get rid of the fear of sex. Especially do not rush to lose virginity to girls. Better to do it late than too early.

Guys who avoid intimacy with real partners need to increase their self-esteem and get rid of psychological problems.

How to overcome panic and anxiety

And yet, how to cope with the fear that binds the mind and body? If sexual phobias are obsessive and interfere with a peaceful life, you can first try to cope with them on your own.

The following methods will help overcome fear:

• deep introspection and reflection of the causes of fear;
• focus on the positive aspects of sexual life;
• establishing a trusting relationship with a partner, talking about problems, contraceptive issues;
• creating a relaxing environment before intimacy;
• increasing self-esteem on their own or with the help of trainings;
• studying books on sexology.

If, nevertheless, the fear of sex remains, it is reasonable to turn to specialists, you should not put off a happy intimate life for later. A sex therapist or psychologist will be able to diagnose the problem and select the best therapy option.

Sex is an important area of ​​human life, the basis of a harmonious family union, so there is no need to hush up problems. A fulfilling sex life is possible if partners trust each other and do not hesitate to talk about their phobias.

Video: Psychotraining

For each of us, everything happens for the first time: the first steps and the fear of falling, the first lessons at school and the fear of answering incorrectly at the blackboard ...

Any significant event in a person's life is often accompanied by a feeling of fear, including the first sex. The fear of first intimacy is inherent not only in girls. Many guys also experience a lot at this special moment in their lives. Each person has their own reasons for the fear of the first sex.

But whatever they may be, any phobias deprive you of the joy of first intimacy, prevent you from building relationships with the opposite sex, and therefore you need to get rid of them.

Women's fears

Natalia (17 years old):
“We have been dating a guy for over a year. There was no sex between us. I'm very afraid, I'm a virgin. My boyfriend does not put pressure on me and patiently waits. No, this does not mean that I do not want intimacy. On the contrary, I really want sex. Once we almost made up our minds… But I got scared, at the most crucial moment the fear of pain appeared. The thought immediately arose in my head that I would now feel unbearable pain.

Psychologist Shendera Tatyana:
“For many women, the process of defloration is really painful. Therefore, there is a fear of sexual contact. Girls think that it will hurt for sure! But the process can be completely painless. Especially if you trust your man. Your fear at this stage is defensive, as if it is trying to protect you.

Ask yourself: what are you afraid of, do you need protection? Having understood the nature of fear, it is much easier to get rid of it. And if you have no doubt about the correctness of the decision, just try to relax and perceive everything positively. If this does not help, then it may be worth seeking help from a specialist so that fear does not appear again and again.

Irina (24 years old): “I am terribly afraid of sex, although I understand that this is wrong. A lot of men are spinning around me, I agree to a relationship, but as soon as it comes to “this” ... I run away! I know that I need to overcome my fear, but as I imagine the “process”, everything shrinks inside.

Psychologist Shapirko Victoria:
“In most cases, anxiety before the first sexual relationship further influences the formation of a woman's sexual behavior. Sometimes because of this, there is an emotional detachment, an inability to experience an orgasm. Many are afraid of the pain that can occur during intercourse. But pain most often occurs as a "fruit" of hypersensitivity, the result of anxiety. The inner part of the vagina is almost a third without nerve endings, but only replete with receptors that respond to pressure.

Accordingly, there is no reason for concern. There will be pain if you are afraid! Another fairly significant problem is vaginismus. Sometimes a woman is so afraid of the penetration of the penis that even when she sees it, she begins to spasm the muscles of the vagina at a reflex level. It is possible to overcome such a state, but only by properly setting yourself up psychologically.

Will everything work out: men's fears

Andrey (19 years old):
“I am a student at a technical university, and therefore I am more in a male company. I often meet girls, go on dates, hug, kiss and even petting. But as soon as I understand that it comes to sex, a terrible fear appears. I’m afraid of everything: that there won’t be an erection, or I’ll do something wrong, I’ll hurt her, that everything will pass very quickly ... "

Psychologist Shapirko Victoria:
“What is sex for a man? First of all, this is the assertion of one's male "I". And if a man programs himself for failure in advance, then it can happen! No need to “load” your brain with various fears: “what if premature ejaculation”, “can I bring my partner to orgasm”, etc.

The fear of premature ejaculation in its frequency takes second place after the fear of impotence. Sometimes, indeed, a man is incapable of prolonged sexual intercourse: rapid arousal, instant orgasm and the inability to delay it. But after all, no one really knows what “prolonged sexual intercourse” is. Most sexually experienced men (up to 75%) are dissatisfied with themselves and believe that they have not been doing this for long enough. Anxiety can also manifest itself as a result of an excessive desire to please a partner, to impress her.

Tension is formed in the body, which is the main provocateur of premature ejaculation. The fact is that there is a direct connection between our autonomic nervous system and sexual arousal. If a man begins to experience anxiety, then an excess of adrenaline is noted in his blood. To control your orgasm, lower your anxiety level!”

Oleg (21 years old):
“I can’t decide to take the first step. I know that I will react normally to intimacy, as I judge by the reaction of my body to films of erotic content. But when I think that the girl will not like my thinness (I have a very thin physique), I immediately refuse sex.

Psychologist Shendera Tatyana:
“The reason for such fears is complexes, low self-esteem. Try to understand that such fears just need to be overcome, and after the first experience, all experiences will evaporate. Do not concentrate all thoughts on yourself and your appearance. Think about the fact that a girl with her fears and complexes is next to you. Think about your positive qualities, such as soft skin on your hands, thick hair, a pleasant voice. It is known that many women do not pay attention to the figure, but react more to words during foreplay and the sexual intercourse itself. Therefore, if you want to divert her attention from your appearance, say affectionate words to her at the moment of intimacy.

Question to the psychologist:

The thing is, I'm afraid of sexual intimacy. I'm not afraid of the fact that someone "will enter me." I have a fear of seeing a person's eyes after that. I'm afraid I don't like something. I am also afraid of my and his naked body. It seems to me that all this is somehow wrong. And what happens after intercourse? How should I behave? Go to bed or talk to him. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do after the actual act. In fact, I already had a rapprochement with a guy (something like a simple caress) in which I did not lose my virginity and recalled this nightmare as a nightmare. All because it was my best friend's boyfriend and I betrayed her. I didn't understand what I was doing. I think the reason for the fear of sexual intimacy is also because of this case. Sometimes it seems to me that it is better to lose your virginity with a little-known person, considering that after that it will not be scary. But at the same time, I understand that the first time is special and should only be with a loved one. Also, from a little-known person, I can earn a number of HIV diseases. Sexual intimacy.

The psychologist Nechausova Maria Igorevna answers the question.

Hello Daria! The first time is always exciting, so you need to increase your comfort level. Yes, and the first time is not always smooth due to inexperience, embarrassment, ignorance, but that's okay. The most important thing in the matter of the first sexual experience is to find a person for whom we have tender feelings, who has mutual feelings for you, and you trust each other. And everything else is trifles that are easily solved. Do what suits you, what your heart says, what you want. Some points can be discussed with a partner (take care of a suitable place and time in advance so that you are not disturbed, maybe even with dim lights so as not to be embarrassed by the look; contraception, etc.), as a rule, everything else comes at the moment itself. Over time, you will get to know yourself better, get to know your body and the body of your partner, understand what you like and what suits you. Everything will come. Whether you want to talk or not, hug or just lie next to you ... listen to your feelings and do not be afraid of anything.

5 Rating 5.00 (6 votes)

Name: Anastacia

Hello everyone) I am 19 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. We have a very good relationship - we get along, interests, one might say, completely coincide, he is very sensitive and attentive. He has already proposed to me, and I feel that this is really my person, the one to whom I want to give children and live to old age together)
I am raised by my mom, she has very high religious beliefs, so I think it's normal that I'm a virgin at 19. I never thought it was necessary to jump into bed with a guy for a slight whiff of attraction.
My problem is the following. My boyfriend has a very high sexual appetite. Although, while we are not having sex, he shows his passion only in kisses or caresses, but I myself am not distinguished by some kind of frigidity. As he says, he always wants me, let it sound like a joke. He doesn't force me to have sex at all. Over these two years, I finally realized that I can trust him, but here's the problem:
1. I am afraid of pain. I know that it’s possible to endure all this, but the situation is such that it’s already painful for me to even put my finger in there. There is some incomprehensible painful and unpleasant sensation. That is why my boyfriend once again stops, afraid of damaging anything at all. It is worth saying that he has an impressive size of the penis, so I'm doubly scared.
2. I started my first cycle at the age of 11, I have always been different from other girls. I was taller, leaner, curvier. Guys older than me always ran after me, however, as now. When I was 12, a neighbor boy, who was already 17, was chasing me very stubbornly. It was no secret to anyone that he had already slept with girls. Yes, and in me he saw only one thing, always confused and thought that I was 15-16. Everything would be fine, but his impulses - even simple hugs, touching my legs or trying to kiss me - always cut me off, but since then I have begun to be afraid of men. Generally any. After I left this city and this boy for good at 13, I dated guys. I went on dates with them, but as soon as the guy went beyond simple friendship - he tried to hug or kiss - I immediately left him.
And here are my 2 problems. I got out of the habit of dumping guys. I trusted my current boyfriend right away. I just started dating my best friend, who is more interested in my spiritual qualities than physical ones.
But as soon as it comes to bed, I get all pinched, I start to be afraid. For no apparent reason, although I completely trust my man in this matter ..
Help, please, what should I do? I don’t remember about that guy who once climbed into me, he somehow showed up in my life when I was 16, he was 21, he tried to chat me up for a meeting, for sex, but I immediately sent him away, not thinking.
Everything seems to be fine, but am I really not able to overcome these childhood fears?
Thanks in advance to everyone who answers :)

Having sex can bring both joy and be a source of negative emotions. Inexperience, lack of awareness, or the presence of sexual problems in the past can cause fear of sexual intercourse. Women and men have both common problems and gender-specific concerns. Awareness, work on yourself and the help of a specialist will help you free yourself from the captivity of fear.

Steps

Part 1

Face fear. Understand what it is you are afraid of, and then challenge your fear. If you are afraid of sex, then you need to determine what exactly is causing your fears. By identifying the true causes, you can focus on finding the right solution.

• Sit back and make a list of things that scare you about sex. For example, you don't know how to approach a question, you're afraid of doing something wrong, or you're embarrassed about how you look naked.
• Once you've identified the problems, make a list of possible solutions. For example, if you don't know how to talk about it with your partner, then ask a trusted friend for advice or find someone whose behavior you can adopt. Even watching a melodramatic movie can help you.
• If you are afraid of doing something wrong, then you should understand the issue and determine what suits you and what does not. Being prepared and aware will certainly reduce your fears.

1. Familiarize yourself with anatomy and physiology. The issues of the structure and functioning of the human body have been studied for more than one century. If you are not familiar with the anatomy of a man or woman, or want to clarify some points, then an incredible amount of information is available to you.

   Make a plan of action. To overcome fear, you need a clear plan. Dealing with the fear of sex is no exception. Define the main tasks, and then draw up the steps to implement your plan.

   • Make a list of what scares you. Are you afraid of the possibility of sexual intimacy during a date? Maybe the thought of asking someone out on a date scares you? Are you worried about your appearance, bad breath or excessive sweating?
   • Solve questions step by step. For example, if you are afraid to invite a girl on a date, then first try to find out the time from a stranger. This will not be an offer to go on a date or have sex, but you yourself will approach the person and ask him a question, which will also become an experience of communication. This is the first step towards your goal.
   • Working to solve the problem will dispel your fear. Creating an action plan will help you feel that you are working on a solution to the situation.

2. Practice. To overcome the fear of sex, you need to gradually move forward. Studies show that fear disappears when a person decides to overcome it in an imaginary situation or in practice. Having a positive experience is the best means to an end.

   • It is important to know what brings you pleasure. Understand what brings you pleasure, touching yourself, imagining interaction with another person, or using sexual "toys" designed to arouse.
   • If you have a loved one, then gradually gain experience in expressing your feelings, hold each other's hands, kiss, massage, touch each other in intimate places and eventually move on to the sexual act itself. No need to try to speed up the process or put pressure on yourself. So you can only increase your fear.

3. Open your emotions. When communicating with someone you love, remember to be kind and caring to show your emotional openness. Sex is an emotional experience, so keep that in mind during your conversations.

   • If you feel emotional or physical awkwardness, then tell your partner about it, because you need time to gain confidence. For example, if you feel like you're in a hurry or feel physically unwell, you might say, "We need to stop. I feel uncomfortable".
   • There is no need to rush and abruptly switch to sex. The consequences can be dire. This way, you can still be emotionally open with your partner and set boundaries for yourself at the moment.

4. Don't forget to have a good time. Having sex should bring joy, so relax and surrender to the will of excitement. If you focus on pleasant sensations, then you can forget about fear.

Part 2

Pay attention to your physical condition. The human body is an amazing system. You are unique, and in order to be confident in your sexual abilities, you need to follow your body. Proper nutrition, healthy sleep and exercise will help maintain health and a positive attitude.

Moderate expectations to increase efficiency. Putting too much pressure on yourself is never good. If you are afraid that you will not be able to please your partner, then you need to change your mental attitudes.

Expand your emotional vocabulary. The inability to understand and express one's own feelings to another person is a common problem. Misunderstanding of one's feelings often causes disappointment - a man is afraid of an incorrectly spoken word or the inability to express what is in his soul.

Part 3

Make sure you are safe. The main reason for women's anxiety before intimacy is safety. By taking the necessary measures, you can alleviate the fears caused by the fear of emotional or physical injury. If you are afraid of getting pregnant, losing your virginity, or the fact that your parents find out about what happened, then having confidence in your safety will help you cope with all the problems.

• Control your body. Avoid alcohol and drugs - they dull control.
• Move on to intimacy only if you are calm and ready for it.
• Always inform someone close (relative or friend) of your whereabouts in advance in case of intimacy with another person.
• Use birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Fear of getting pregnant can encourage you to make smart decisions.

1. Don't compare yourself to others. Competition and comparison with others can have undesirable consequences. The beginning of sexual activity is a turning point for every person. It is important not to put pressure on yourself for the sake of conforming to someone else's ideas or trying to please a person by being ready to go to bed with him.

   Stand up for your right to refuse. Sexual assault, domestic violence and harassment are very serious things. Any girl or woman should clearly understand her intentions in case of possible intimacy. You can stop everything at any time by saying "No!" or "Stop."

   • Treat yourself like your best friend. Sensing danger, follow your intuition in any situation. Don't be afraid to change your plans, decisions and intentions. Trust your instincts.
   • It is very important to trust your partner, this will always help you make the right and informed decision.

Part 4

1. Sign up with a psychologist. If you avoid sexual intercourse and the thought of having sex makes you feel excessive and unreasonable anxiety or panic, then you should seek help from a specialist. This may be a sign of a phobia, rather than a normal response to fear.

   • The physical signs of a phobia include the following: sweating, shaking, dizziness, and difficulty breathing. A psychologist can help you deal with these symptoms and your phobia.
   • Be sure to contact a psychologist if you have been sexually harassed in the past, as this may interfere with your sexual activity. Discussing with a psychologist and healing from this trauma will help build constructive relationships with others.

2. Learn relaxation techniques. Relaxation is good for everyone. If intimacy begins with a feeling of calm, then you can easily overcome fear and enjoy.

   Fight negative thoughts. Thoughts influence your emotions. There is a tendency to overestimate negative consequences before you experience them and underestimate your ability to cope. These thoughts are unbalanced, you need to find the right approach to them.

• Don't be afraid to share your feelings with your partner. Always say what you like and don't like.
• Be prudent when choosing a sexual partner. You must trust this person and feel confident in your readiness to initiate him into the intimate part of your life.
• Uncertainty breeds fear. The higher your sexual activity, the less room for fear.
• Don't forget to use birth control.
• It takes courage to fight fear. For bravery you will be rewarded handsomely.
• Decide on a code word that you and your partner will use when you feel fear. It should signal the need for a stop and a break.
• Breathing always helps in various intimate situations. Even if you feel uncomfortable for a moment, take a deep breath and try to relax.
• Take time to explore your own feelings about sexual relationships.
• Remember to be playful and humorous, but don't make fun of your partner.
• If you are afraid of sex because of past harassment or rape, be sure to discuss this with your partner prior to the moment of intimacy. When both are aware of the situation, the likelihood of causing pain is reduced to a minimum.
• The partner must be aware of the extent of your fear. If at the thought of sex you may burst into tears or you may feel dizzy, then it is better for your partner to know about it in advance.
• You don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to have sex. If you are really dear to your partner, then he will respect your desires.
• There is nothing wrong with tears, you should not hide them from your partner.

Warnings

• If your partner does not even try to calm you down at the moment of an attack of fear, then this person has no place in your life.
• Never be coaxed, blamed, pressured, pressured, or coerced into having sex if you don't want to.
• Unprotected sex can cause pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and even death. If you are not ready to take responsibility for the possible consequences, then do not forget about precautions and use condoms.
• A fear of sex is different from a phobia, which is a much more serious problem. Each situation should be worked out with a psychologist.
• Erection problems can be signs of a serious medical condition. It is better to seek help from a doctor.
• Only sexual abstinence can provide 100% protection against pregnancy.